#410 - #411: Shieldon & Bastiodon

Official art of Shieldon by none other than Ken Sugimori.

As the defensive counterparts of Cranidos and Rampardos, we have the rock/steel dual types Shieldon and Bastiodon. While steel is my favorite type, I am not the biggest fan of this evolution line. Resurrected from the Armor Fossil rather than the Skull Fossil, Shieldon is a ceratopsid dinosaur with a shield for a face and evolves into a ceratopsid dinosaur with an entire wall for a face. It's weirdly appropriate when you consider the fact that they're based on protoceratops andrewsi and the genus of chasmosaurus, respectively. The latter is known for containing species with head growths called frills, which have large openings called fenestrae in them, very much like the yellow marks on Bastiodon's protective growth that resemble windows in castle walls. Unlike Cranidos and Rampardos, who have quite the temperament, Shieldon and its evolution are docile and gentle Pokémon who wouldn't even hurt a fly - not that they could, because their offensive stats are absolutely atrocious, but I'll get back to that later. While Shieldon spends its time polishing its outstandingly armored facial hide against tree trunks instead of banging walls, Bastiodon doesn't even have to worry about that anymore: its wall-like face is so strong it can deflect even the strongest of attacks, which is why they line up and form an impenetrable wall in order to protect their young. Though in stark contrast to its superb frontal defense, it is vulnerable from behind.

A more realistic take on Bastiodon. I think it looks great!

Fortunately, Pokémon are facing each other in a Pokémon battle, so Bastiodon doesn't have to worry about its rear end in the competitive metagame. Also, it's not how the game mechanics work, either: if Bastiodon were to hit by a move like Phantom Force or Hyperspace Fury, two-turn moves that make the user vanish during the first turn and attack the target from behind in the following turn, its massive physical defense stat isn't lowered all of a sudden. And that's just as well, because Bastiodon is an extremely defensive Pokémon on both sides of the spectrum. Remember that I told you Rampardos is sometimes used as a suicide lead used for setting up Stealth Rock? Well, Bastiodon is so much better suited for that due to its defensive traits. Considering its base 138 special defense is lower than its base 168 physical defense, it often has a nature that boosts its special defense, such as a Careful, Calm or Sassy one. Combine that with Sturdy - an ability that leaves it at 1 HP when attacked at full HP, provided the attack would otherwise have knocked it out - and the Leftovers, and you'll have a Pokémon that is tough to take down. It is very vulnerable to fighting- and ground-type moves, but there's a nifty tactic that lets it take revenge in a snap: Metal Burst. If you make sure Bastiodon is at full HP and can take an Earthquake to the face, you can retaliate with Metal Burst, which is a Counter and Mirror Coat in one and does 1.5 times the damage dealt by the foe in HP points, either physically or specially. Unlike Counter and Mirror Coat, however, Metal Burst does not have decreased priority, so Bastiodon is the only Pokémon that can reliably make use of it because of its outrageously low speed stat. There's Aggron, Bisharp and Alolan Sandslash, but they're all powerhouses and benefit more from all-out physical attacks, and Solgaleo and Dialga definitely don't need it because they're relatively fast.

I'd almost forget completing Bastiodon's competitive moveset because I ranted on about Metal Burst. Well, that and Stealth Rock should be its staple moves, although Toxic is always a reliable classic and Roar can be used to remove Pokémon from the battlefield that are trying to set up. Alternatively, Magic Coat (so not Mirror Coat) reflects any moves that cause status conditions or put up entry hazards on your side of the field back to the original user.

Bastiodon looks menacing and intimidating, but it is in fact a very docile and
gentle Pokémon.

Shieldon and Bastiodon are a couple of oddballs. I don't know if the nose bone, reminiscent of those from various indigenous tribes, was intentional on Game Freak's part, but it's kind of putting me off and I don't think it was entirely necessary for design completion. The whole castle wall aspect is a bit confusing, as castles are a medieval occurrence and not a prehistoric one, but castles in the Pokémon world could have been inspired by Bastiodon's design, so I'll let this one slide. All in all, I like Bastiodon well enough, only for its moderately derpy design, but it's far from my favorite Pokémon. Steel type or no, this one is not getting a perfect or near perfect rating from me.

Rating: 4/5

#408 - #409: Cranidos & Rampardos

You'd think everything could only go downhill from here after all that praise for Luxray, but we're not even close to the end. Gen. V has the best roster of Pokémon out of all generations, and we'll have to wade through the majority of Gen. IV Pokémon before we get to the greatest Pokémon generation of all time.

The juvenile forms of all fossil Pokémon, with Cranidos at the far left, apparently
starting a skirmish with Tyrunt.

Fortunately for me, the 'struggle' is made easier by Pokémon like Rampardos, whom I have a soft spot for. I never realized the Gen. IV fossil Pokémon come so early in the Pokédex, especially since the player character can't start digging up fossils in the Sinnoh Underground until they arrive in Eterna City, which is pretty early on but still a couple of cities away from the last Pokémon we reviewed: you'd have to run some errands in Jubilife City, Oreburgh City and Floaroma Town before you get to Eterna City, and on the routes and landmarks between Jubilife and Eterna are a bunch of new Pokémon to be caught, including those found exclusively in Honey trees scattered all over the goddamn region. Why Cranidos and Shieldon appear so early in the National Pokédex is beyond me, but I guess the game developers had a reason for it. I'm not complaining; I just thought I'd point it out.

TCG art of Cranidos getting ready for... something.

In any case, Cranidos is a curious little critter, being based on the extinct species of pachycephalosaurus wyomingensis - or a pachycephalosaur for short. The species is known for their thick, ossified skulls surrounded by nodes and/or spikes, very much like Cranidos. The latter's main attacking prowess involves charging headfirst into its opponents, which is largely in line with the headbutting tendencies of the pachycephalosaur. 100 years in the past, Cranidos even used its skills to combat Aerodactyl, apparently engaging in a feud that ended until it went extinct. Practicing with others of its kind is a common leisure activity among the species, as their craniums are as hard as steel and they like to toughen them up by headbutting one another. When Cranidos evolves into Rampardos at level 30, the earliest of any fossil Pokémon along with Shieldon, the design is just being extended upon. While Bulbapedia suggests Rampardos is based on either stygimoloch spinifer or dracorex hogwartsia (yes, this dinosaur species is indeed named after Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry from the Harry Potter series) due to its height and the larger horns, it is commonly suggested that both species are in fact juvenile specimens of the pachycephalosaur. There is no scientific evidence to back up that claim just yet, but let's go with it.

Tyrantrum vs. Rampardos. Whose Head Smash would hit harder? Rampardos
inarguably has the better attack stat, but Tyrantrum benefits from much better bulk
altogether. 

Essentially, Rampardos is just an upgraded version of Cranidos. This is not entirely a given in the Pokémon franchise, as quite a number of evolved Pokémon have flavor texts that differ from those of their pre-evolutions, but I guess in this case it's fitting. A charging Rampardos can knock down virtually anything with one hit, pulverizing even the most durable of objects upon impact. Its Pokédex entry from Pokémon Moon even states that records exist of a revived fossil that evolved into Rampardos, escaped and proceeded to destroy a skyscraper. On the other hand, if two of them were to smash their heads together, their foot-thick craniums would keep them from fainting. In short, Rampardos is a brute capable of destroying everything around it if it feels like it, demonstrated in-game by its massive base 165 attack stat. That's the highest of any fully evolved Pokémon, barring Megas and legendaries (Ultra Beasts included), and it doesn't even have an ability that hinders it.

Whew, this Rampardos is scary, goddamn.

But unlike Slaking, who has Truant to hinder its battle prowess, Rampardos's stats are either subpar or just downright bad. Its base 97 HP is great, but it doesn't have the defenses to back it up, and most of the time it is too slow to move first. There is a way to get around that, by breeding a Jolly nature onto it and giving it a Choice Scarf in order to effectively maximize its speed. Its base 165 attack lets it hit like a truck anyway, so you might as well max out its speed while you're at it. After that, though, the Choice Scarf lets Rampardos use only one move to attack with until it is switched out, so that in itself limits it as well. In that regard, ditching an attacking move for Rock Polish might be an option if you think you can pull it off. A Life Orb set with the hidden ability Sheer Force (removes added effects of moves in exchange for a 30% boost in power) and an Adamant or Jolly nature might also give you what you're looking for: Rock Slide is a STAB move that hits hard when boosted by Sheer Force - as well as Zen Headbutt, Crunch, Fire Punch, Thunder Punch and Iron Head, by the way - and Hammer Arm, Superpower, Earthquake and Outrage generally hit very hard when used by Rampardos. Another role it could fulfill is that of suicide lead, used for setting up Stealth Rock after living a hit at full HP with a Focus Sash. With its ability Mold Breaker, it can even negate the effects of abilities that could potentially affect the damage or effects of a move that it executes. There are other Pokémon who are much better suited for that role, though, and using Rampardos as a suicide lead is actually a waste of potential.

Also, Smogon mentions mixed sets on Rampardos, but I wouldn't recommend that in the slightest. Even with Sheer Force, its base 65 special attack doesn't allow it to hit hard with moves such as Ice Beam, Thunderbolt and Fire Blast in the first place, so I think you're better off with Fire Punch and Thunder Punch, just to new a few attacks.

Some nifty 3D art of Rampardos.

Cranidos and Rampardos are the only mono-type fossil Pokémon, but they are my favorites by a large margin. I agree with many people that Rampardos's design is a bit awkward and messy, but that is exactly why I like it so much. Also, the black-and-blue color scheme is one of the reasons why I love Luxray so much, and the same applies to Rampardos, albeit to a lesser degree. I used one in my very first Diamond playthough, also just like Luxray, and it demolished everything in its path. And that is exactly what I'm looking for in a Pokémon when casually playing through a game.

Rating: 5/5

#403 - #405: Shinx, Luxio & Luxray

What's not to love about Luxray's shiny form? Its beautiful
black-and-gold color scheme mixed with orange is so... perfect!

When I started this blog a little over two years ago, I did it with the intention to review every single Pokémon in existence. Ever since, I couldn't wait until I would arrive at my favorite Pokémon of all time, and today is finally the day that I can gush about it all I want. Those of you who have been keeping up with this blog long enough will already know that Luxray is my favorite Pokémon, as I said it a couple of times in other entries, not to mention that some of you may have been bold enough to read my previous blog (which, by the way, is muy cringy) despite my warnings. Those of you who have not been around for that long at all should've seen this coming as well: in the introduction text at the top of my blog I clearly present myself as The Shiny Luxray, which is the name of this Blogger account and the most obvious indication of which Pokémon actually is my all-time favorite. I fell in love with Luxray the very moment I first laid eyes on it in my very first Pokémon Diamond playthrough in 2007. Like many first-time players of this game, I was using Shinx, who was available on one of the first routes after receiving your mandatory set of Poké Balls from the Professor. I knew Luxray would forever be my favorite Pokémon from the moment it had evolved from Luxio, even knocking the majestic Lugia from the throne. And while my fairly recent love for steel types caused Steelix to have been elevated to a solid second place, not even a giant metal snake will be able to dethrone this awesome electric-type lynx.

I'm so happy Luxray got a recurring role in the anime as Clemont's most important
team member. At least it didn't make a one-time appearance like most Pokémon
do. Also, look at how big it is; Clemont could hop on its back and make a ride on it.

So now I have to sum up everything I love about Luxray, right? Here goes nothing.

1. The animal it's based on
Cats - or felines in general - are my favorite animals, and I have to say Game Freak have done a decent job creating some interesting Pokémon based on them so far. Luxray is the biggest and baddest of them all, though, with one of the most interesting designs as well. While it looks a bit like a lion, it is actually based on a lynx; in European mythology, the lynx was said to have the power to see through solid objects. It'll make sense in a bit, I promise.

2. Its typing
Persian, Delcatty, Purugly and even Pyroar... All of these cat Pokémon got the generic normal type, and Luxray is one of the few felines deviating from that. Shockingly, it's an electric type, with also just one weakness but far more elemental benefits due to the abundance of water- and flying-type Pokémon in the franchise.

3. Its design and color scheme
These two go hand in hand, and I must say Luxray should be one of Game Freak's proudest achievements. It has a very streamlined design with a brilliant black-and-blue color scheme that is not used often enough on electric types. There are hints of yellow in its design, of course, and because I'm not a big fan of yellow in the first place, I'm glad this color was toned down in Luxray's design.

One big happy family. 

4. Its facial features
Dammit, how can you NOT love those eyes? Elaborating on the design argument, Luxray's gold eyes with red sclera are quite unique even for Pokémon standards and make it look like a lunatic. It's not really that maniacal, of course, but its eyes definitely give it a much more menacing look. Also, it can do a special little something with its eyes that I'll talk about later. And then the cute oval-shaped ears and that red button nose... I CAN'T EVEN!

5. Its mane
There is only one way to describe its mane: majestic. And it looks so good on it, goddamn.

6. Its shiny form
While I'm not a shiny hunter per se, I literally did everything I could to obtain a shiny Luxray via the GTS when Pokémon X and Y came out. I wanted one so badly, and eventually I even managed to obtain a competitive one with its hidden ability Guts. That black-and-gold color palette with some orange touches is just... perfection! And yes, I consider shiny Luxray's skin color gold rather than yellow.

7. Its name
There's no other word for it, its name just sounds so incredibly cool. And while I think most Japanese Pokémon names sound silly, I have to admit that even Rentorar (レントラー) - which is derived from the inventor of x-rays, Wilhelm Röntgen, and the Japanese word for 'tiger', tora - has an intimidating sound to it; it almost sounds like 'roar'.

Luxray letting everybody know it's the only true heir
to the throne. "Hear me roar!"

8. Its posture
Can you say Luxray is beautiful? I definitely think so, and as I'm gushing about it I might as well say it looks incredibly royal and elegant somehow. In fact, I'm starting to think sphinxes might have been the inspiration for Luxray as well, giving it a somewhat Egyptian appearance.

9. Its characteristics
What makes Luxray so incredibly awesome is its extraordinary eyesight. It can see through most object and walls, like x-ray vision, so there's practically nothing that can go unseen by it. Being a predatory Pokémon, it even spots prey hiding in the shadows, but when tamed and trained correctly it can become very domestic and loyal, protecting its Trainer from danger. It does need a lot of compassion and praise to maintain its satisfaction, as Luxray tend to be proud and stubborn creatures, and abusing it can make it very antagonistic and vengeful towards its Trainer. I would love to have a Luxray by my side, but even then I don't understand why you want to abuse one in the first place. Like most sane people I am against animal cruelty, which is obviously a given, but I guess in this case I think you have to be deserving of Luxray's attention and loyalty as well. When you give some love, you get some in return. Also, Luxray can administer extreme amounts of power through their electricity, but as it's an electric type that's kind of a cop-out.

10. It tries to break the mold
Luxray is unique in the fact that it's one of only few physical-based electric types, introduced right when the physical/special split occurred. While a great in-game asset, it wasn't much of a competitive Pokémon until it got better moves and an awesome hidden ability in Guts one generation later.

11. Its role in the anime
While originally getting just a couple of cameos in the Gen. IV adaptation of the anime series, it got a recurring role as Clemont's main Pokémon in the X and Y saga, saving it from obscurity. I'm glad it got a little bit of attention, at least. And let's not forget about Volkner's Luxray, who definitely gave Ash a run for his money.

This Luxray in Pokémon Conquest sure looks menacing and intimidating. In the
Netherlands, we have a proverb that sums it up very well: Het is geen katje om
zonder handschoenen aan te pakken is basically the equivalent of 'to treat
someone or something with kid gloves', but literally translates to, 'It's not a cat
to handle without gloves.'

12. Its appearance in Pokémon Conquest
This one might be stretching it a little bit, but just look at Luxray's stance in its official artwork for Pokémon Conquest. It's just ready to kick some fucking ass, goddammit! Conveniently, you can actually recruit the warrior owning a Shinx after defeating her and taking her kingdom by meeting a few requirements, but once you've done that she's ready to help you invade other kingdoms in Ransei with what will eventually be a kick-ass Luxray!

13. The fan art
Have you taken a look on Google Images already? Only by inserting 'Luxray' you'll find the most awesome and badass fan art of this Pokémon. The design of a quadrupedal electric-type cat lends itself well to fan art like that, too. There's definitely no shortage of Luxray fan art on the Internet and I am having a hard time choosing from amazing drawings for my article as I'm writing this.

LOL. Whoever drew this reference to The Lion King is a genius!

And now we've reached the end of 13 Reasons Why. All jokes aside, though, Luxray is not without its flaws. Competitively, it is not used by an awful lot of people, and the reason for that is because it's tricky to use. Base 80 HP and base 79 defenses aren't extremely useful on a relatively slow Pokémon, but with a little luck your Luxray will survive at least a couple of hits before it goes down. The problem is that you definitely want one with the Guts ability, which increases the user's attack stat by 50% when suffering from a status condition, and the only way to reliably activate it is by giving Luxray a Flame Orb to hold. The Toxic Orb is possible too, but burn has been nerfed in Gen. VII and now takes equal to 1/16 of a Pokémon's health every turn, which is half the amount of damage poison would cause. Another problem is that Luxray should definitely rock out with Wild Charge, a physical-based electric-type move that also causes recoil damage. Along with the Flame Orb and its low speed stat, that's going to wear Luxray down significantly. You'll be lucky to dish out a couple of hits, but at least Luxray's base 120 attack stat allows it to do just that. With an Adamant nature, it can hit even harder, but you could also opt for a Jolly nature to make it as fast as possible. At least it doesn't lack the movepool to complete a Flame Orb set, having access to nifty moves like Ice Fang, Fire Fang, Superpower, Crunch, Iron Tail, Facade, Protect and Night Slash.

Two Luxray beating each other black-and-blue.

Also, you could make Luxray somewhat physically bulky in exchange for some power by using one with the Intimidate ability, which lowers the opponent's attack when Luxray enters the battlefield. This still leaves it susceptible to special sweepers, but I guess you can't have everything. The other regular ability it has access to is Rivalry, which lets it deal more damage against Pokémon of the same gender but less damage to Pokémon of the oppositie gender, which is naturally not the preferred ability for Luxray and I would even try to avoid it in a regular playthrough.

To summarize, Luxray is - unfortunately - not the best Pokémon in the competitive metagame, which is why I didn't mention its battle prowess as one of the reasons why I love it. That is not to say that stops me from loving Luxray altogether, I just wish Game Freak had made it a little bit better competitively so that it would have been a more popular Pokémon. Then again, my love for Luxray feels so special that I'm wondering whether I really want it to become as popular as Pokémon like Charizard, Mewtwo and Lucario. It's still a great asset to any in-game team, though, so definitely don't hesitate to use it!

This is Clemont's Luxray when it was still an adorable little
Shinxie.

But enough about Luxray for a minute; didn't I say I would be talking about all Pokémon? Luxray has pre-evolutions as well, and I'm not sure if I've mentioned them yet. Of course, it all starts with cute little Shinx. To be honest, I don't think I would've used it if it hadn't been so adorable to me the instant I laid my eyes on it, and my love for Luxray would have come much later (or maybe wouldn't even have been this strong in the first place) if that had been the case. I actually developed a bond with the very first Luxray I had, and that definitely fueled my love for this Pokémon to a great extent. I was actually sad once the adventure was over. Anyway, Shinx bears resemblance to a lynx kitten or a lion cub, but considering Luxray's flavor it is probably the former. If Shinx senses danger, its fur gleams brightly to blind predators so it can flee, and this electricity is produced by the extension and contraction of the muscles in its forelegs. The only one I'm not big on is Luxio, who honestly kinda looks awkward to me, but at least it evolves from Shinx at level 15 and evolves into Luxray at level 30, so I never have to put up with it for long. There isn't much to say about it, either, apart from the fact that it communicates with others of its kind by electroreception via its claws, generating the necessary electricity by gathering their tails together.

Luxray BREAK, one of the TCG cards in my possession. This art is just flat-out
AMAZING! I'm sure you don't want to deal with this little kitty. 

Luxray is - and will always be - my all-time favorite Pokémon. My love for this Pokémon runs so deep, in fact, that I kept on collecting TCG cards of Shinx, Luxio and Luxray and put them in a special binder, even though I quit TCG approximately nine years ago. Yep, that's how much I love Luxray. This Pokémon will forever hold a special place in my heart, and I doubt any new Pokémon will ever take over. At the end of the day I'm just biased, of course, but isn't every Pokémon fan when they're talking about their favorite Pocket Monster?

Anyway, guess what my rating's gonna be...?

Rating: 5/5

#401 - #402: Kricketot & Kricketune

Kricketot soaking up some sun.

This little critter is curious in the fact that it's not your average early-game bug Pokémon; it's neither a larva nor a catterpillar, and it's definitely not a generic-looking spider or ladybug. Instead, we get a cricket or beetle with a conductor motif, complete with collar, tuxedo shirt and shiny shoes. The only thing that's missing is a bowtie, although not every music conductor wears one, admittedly. It's a bit of an unconventional design for a Pokémon, to say the least, but it makes for an interesting one, combining a human aspect with something many people have an aversion to: insects. That gets worse when Kricketot evolves into Kricketune, who is more distinctively an insect than its pre-evolution. The conductor motif is still visible in its design because of its mustache and cape-like wings, but its body now has the shape and aesthetics of a string instrument, most notably a violin. Kricketune's round shape and weird antennae makes it look a bit like a violin beetle, although the general inspiration for its name and design is still the cricket due to its habit to make chirping noises by rubbing their legs on their abdomen. Making sounds is generally all that this evolutionary line is about, anyway. In order to communicate with others, Kricketot shakes its head back to front, causing its antennae to hit each other and make xylophonic sounds that are considered hallmarks of the fall. Kricketune, however, is able to compose more refined melodies ad-lib. The improvised tunes it creates are used to convey its many emotions and sound so captivating because it resonates its cry in the hollow of its belly. Apparently, Kricketune's captivating melodies have inspired lots of people in the Pokémon world, as scientists are studying its melodic patterns and a village somewhere in what I assume is the Sinnoh region hosts an annual contest based on its amazingly variable cries.

I imagine Kricketune composing some its finest tunes here. 

I wish that Kricketune was as interesting competitively as it is flavor-wise, because its best stat is literally its base 85 attack stat. It's not fast, however, nor is it defensive in any way, so you'd probably wonder what it should be used for. Well, it learns Sticky Web by level-up, and if you give it a Focus Sash as a held item as well as a Jolly nature, it might either outspeed the foe and set up its web or live a hit due to its Focus Sash only to set up its web afterwards, provided it's at full HP. Once set up, Sticky Web lowers the speed of every incoming Pokémon - barring any flying types or Pokémon with the Levitate ability - on the opposite side of the battlefield, but it's generally better just to use Galvantula for that. A base stat total of 384 is pretty bad and will leave you dissatisfied for sure. Kricketune might be a decent addition to an in-game team, as it learns quite a few physical moves that may make it somewhat usuable, among which X-Scissor, Leech Life, Brick Break, Knock Off and Night Slash. You might be able to do something with Bug Bite, Fell Stinger and Aerial Ace if you have the Technician ability on it, which raises the power of moves with a power of 60 or less by 50%, but this is its hidden ability and I believe it isn't available regularly. It's also useless on a competitive Kricketune, as it is used for utility rather than dishing out damage, sporting a moveset consisting of Sticky Web, Taunt (prevents opponents from trying to set up themselves), Knock Off (does damage and gets rid of the foe's held item) and Endeavor (causes the target's HP to equal Kricketune's current HP).

Kricketune playing its one arm with its other arm like a violin, creating some
captivating melodies as a result.

I honestly think Kricketune has an original design and flavor to it, but it is very limited by its competitive capabilities - or rather, its lack thereof. I've never used it and I probably never will, but its design is original and creative and I have to give Game Freak some credit for it. If only they had given this Pokémon some better stats, it would have gotten at least half a star more, if not one whole star. For now, though, Kricketune will have to do with a rrating of four stars, which isn't bad by any means.

Rating: 4/5

#399 - #400: Bidoof & Bibarel

There is hardly any serious fan art of Bidoof to be found on the
Internet, so here it is in all its TCG-art glory. 

Poor, poor little Bidoof. Just because it is considerably more abundant in Sinnoh than other typical early-game rodents like Rattata, Sentret and Zigzagoon in their respective games, it is one of the most hated Pokémon in existence. It doesn't really help that its name derives from 'doofus' and that its design isn't all that appealing, either; many people think Bidoof and Bibarel look ugly and stupid, and I have to say I don't fully disagree with them. I mean, I think they should really see a dentist to have those buck teeth checked, and I can't say Bibarel's stare makes it look especially quick-witted. Shiny hunters who are chaining for certain shiny Pokémon often consider Bidoof a living nightmare, as this little shit easily breaks their Poké Radar chains in Diamond, Pearl and Platinum. Its cry has also been mentioned as one of the reasons why it is hated so much, being described as irritating, eardrum-perforating, not enjoyable and 'that damn cry'. But even though other people hate it and its evolution tremendously, I've always liked these motherfuckers. Bidoof and Bibarel are based on beavers, and I think Game Freak have done a fine enough job giving Pokémon based on these lame and uninspiring animals a little bit of originality (with the emphasis on 'a little bit'); it never struck me as problematic that they were found all over Sinnoh, as other Pokémon were just as easy to find; I'm not a shiny hunter, so I wouldn't know what it feels like when Bidoof breaks your Poké Radar chain; and lastly, I've never had a problem with any Pokémon's cry aside from fucking Pelipper's.

Bibarel is a bit sluggish on land, but it's a swift swimmer.

None of these things have stopped naysayers from using Bibarel as an HM slave, anyway: being the first normal-type Pokémon paired with a type other than flying - water in this case, because it's a beaver - it can learn the highest amount of useful HM techniques. It has access to Cut, Surf, Strength, Waterfall, Rock Climb and even Rock Smash, which means you'd probably had a hard time deciding which HM moves you actually needed on it. Six out of eight ain't bad; it obviously cannot learn Fly and Defog because it's not a goddamn flying type, but Fly is always a good move to have on your Staraptor anyway, and Defog isn't even necessarily a requirement.

Being one of the most hated Pokémon yet one of the most used ones, albeit as an HM slave... Hmmm, the irony isn't lost on me.

Flavor-wise, there is absolutely nothing interesting about Bidoof and Bibarel. Bidoof's Pokédex entries are all bout its large incisors, which grow constantly and thus it has to whittle them down by gnawing on sturdy things such as rock and wood. While primarily based on the tail-lacking mountain beaver, its evolution Bibarel is based on the beaver as we know it, industriously damming up rivers with bark and mud in order to make a nest but somehow never causing them to overflow.

Bibarel.

That's pretty much all there is to say about these Pokémon, except when you count Bibarel's competitive capabilities. If used at all, Bibarel is used for one tactic and one tactic only: the Simple/Curse combo. Simple is an ability that doubles the effectiveness on stat changes, which means that the move Curse now increases Bibarel's attack and defense by two stages rather than one and lowers its speed by two stages rather than one as well. It's a quick way to get a physically bulky-offensive Pokémon with access to moves like Return, Waterfall, Aqua Jet, Quick Attack, Crunch, Superpower, Aqua Tail and Iron Tail, especially in combination with an Adamant nature and a Life Orb. Water and normal is a very good combination anyway, covering anything but a few dual-type Pokémon (ghost/grass, grass/steel, water/steel and water/ghost), so a moveset consisting of Curse, Return, Waterfall and Aqua Jet is usually more than enough. If necessary, Aqua Jet can be ditched for Crunch or Rest - the latter in conjunction with a Chesto Berry as a held item - and I guess a Swords Dance set isn't bad in combination with Simple either, but all of Bibarel's stats are pretty subpar and therefore I'd avoid putting a Bibarel on any team in the first place. And should you decide to use one anyway, don't you even worry about either of the other abilities it gets. Unaware makes Bibarel ignore the opposing Pokémon's stat changes, but that is purely situational and it unfortunately doesn't affect its own stat changes, so Simple is better in that regard. Moody randomly increases one of Bibarel's stat by two stages and lowers one by one stage every turn, which could end in either a success or a catastrophe for you. In this case, I assume you don't wanna risk it for the biscuit, eh?

In short, Bibarel is a risky Pokémon to use in the competitive metagame in the first place, even with a standard Simple set. Once the Diamond and Pearl remakes come around - which I'm sure won't be until at least 2019 - it'll probably be used abundantly as an HM slave again. And that's really the only thing it is good for. I'll give it 3 stars because I quite like its design and because it's one of the most effective HM slaves, but other than that it's definitely not one of my favorite Pokémon ever.

Rating: 3/5

#396 - #398: Starly, Staravia & Staraptor

Staraptor carrying Eevee on its back.

Starly is the 'early bird' of Gen. IV and nobody expected this thing to evolve into an actually usuable monstrous entity. Pidgeot, Noctowl and Swellow all proved to be pretty underwhelming in the past, so when people found out Staraptor has an amazing base 120 attack stat, great base 100 speed and access to the strongest fighting-type move introduced that very generation (Close Combat), they were ecstatic. Staraptor's defenses aren't worth shit, but one thing had to be given up for the other, and with Close Combat being one of Staraptor's staple moves it may just as well have been its defenses, anyway. This does make Staraptor more of a hit-the-foe-and-get-outta-here kind of Pokémon, with Brave Bird and Double-Edge also being moves that may leave opponents crying in a corner. I normally wouldn't recommend two moves that cause recoil damage on the same moveset, but Staraptor's hidden ability Reckless increases the base power of exactly that kind of moves by 20% and both Brave Bird and Double-Edge provide Staraptor STAB due to its normal/flying type. As Brave Bird, Double-Edge and Close Combat all have a base power of 120 to begin with, this 'early bird' is a real powerhouse. Staraptor doesn't learn any other worthwhile physical moves with comparable power, so I'd further recommend U-Turn, a move that deals moderate physical damage but allows the user to switch out immediately. If Staraptor is faster than the opposing Pokémon, you can make another Pokémon on your team take the incoming blow. Finish your entire set off with an Adamant nature combined with a Choice Scarf or a Jolly nature in conjunction with a Choice Band (if I were you, I'd steer away from the Life Orb this time; that thing is way too dangerous with Double-Edge and Brave Bird around) and your Staraptor will be a force to be reckoned with.

Some great 3D fan art of Staraptor.

Also, many Smogon movesets for Staraptor include Final Gambit, a move that makes the user faint but deals damage to the target equal to how much HP the user lost. It's a nice tactic on a bulky Pokémon with a lot of HP to 'share', by lack of a better word, but it's beyond me why someone would include this on a moveset that also contains two moves that cause recoil damage. Brave Bird and Double-Edge wear Staraptor down quickly, leaving it with less and less HP as it goes, and you requiring to use Final Gambit immediately won't occur all that often, either. Unless you ditch U-Turn in favor of Roost, Final Gambit doesn't work as well on Staraptor as it should be, but even then this Pokémon really doesn't have the defenses to heal up and take a hit afterwards. In my opinion, it's better just to go with Close Combat. But hey, I'm just a casual player, so what do I know?

Staravia is really not all that intimidating, and Rare Candy
Treatment completely agrees with me, apparently.

I think I'd better talk about this evolutionary line's flavor texts. Staraptor may be exceptionally strong and definitely borrows some traits from birds of prey - or raptors - such as hawks and falcons, but its pre-evolutions Starly and Staravia are primarily based on the fairly common and uninteresting white-cheeked starling, also called the gray starling. With their dark gray-brown plumage and white patches, the resemblance to the gray starling is too obvious (although Staravia bears some aesthetic resemblances to the northern lapwing as well), so it's a good thing Game Freak have managed to make Staraptor more like an intimidating raptor of some sort. Speaking of which, Staravia and Staraptor both get Intimidate for their regular ability - Starly's is Keen Eye - but I really don't understand what's so intimidating about Staravia. Aside from its not-so-menacing appearance, this Pokémon is well aware of its own weakness and cries noisily when left on its own. The flocks it forms of its own kind are territorial, and squabbles over territory occur when flocks collide, but being territorial doesn't automatically mean you're intimidating. And Starly? Starly is even weaker on its own, relying on strident cries and annoying tunes and forming large flocks in which individuals will begin to bicker if the group becomes too large.

They can't even hold their own in a flock, goddamn.

Starly (left, holding an Enigma Berry), Staravia (middle) and Staraptor (right,
whipping up some kind of storm with its wings).

A good thing it evolves into Staraptor, then... Although, even Starly's final evolution is not without its flaws, as it is extremely fussy about the shape of its comb, which it uses to appear larger and frighten enemies. Then again, Staraptor has a ferocious nature and an aggressive temperament that contribute to it courageously challenging even opponents that are far bigger than itself, no matter how ill, injured or scarred it is.

This bird just keeps going as if its life depends on it, goddamn. 

Honestly, though, it was about time we had a kick-ass bird. Noctowl and Swellow didn't quite hit the mark, and Pidgeot only gets 5 stars from me because of its beautiful Mega, which it got roughly eight months before I reviewed it. Staraptor isn't one of my all-time favorite Pokémon, but it definitely exceeds Noctowl, Swellow and Unfezant in competitive and in-game utility and sheer awesomeness.

Rating: 4.5/5

#393 - #395: Piplup, Prinplup & Empoleon

With Piplup and Prinplup's better-than-thou attitude, I doubt
real love between the species is actually possible.

Of the Sinnoh starters, Piplup is hands down the cutest-looking. With the dark blue feathers on its head extending down its neck and around its head, our little superhero appears to be wearing some kind of cape. Don't let that fool you, though, because this feisty little thing has a strong sense of self-pride and has a hard time accepting food from humans and bonding with its caretakers. It will even puff up its chest without a care after it falls down, which it often does because of its poor walking abilities. This trait becomes even worse when Piplup evolves into Prinplup, whose sense of self-pride is so high that it can't even form groups of its own kind. It lives a solitary life instead, away from others, as every one of this Pokémon species believes it is the most important. Game Freak even goes as far as to incorporate variations of 'prince' in its domestic and foreign names, with its Japanese name Pottaishi (ポッタイシ) and Korean name Pengtaiza (팽태자) coming from kōtaishi and hwangtaeja, respectively, both meaning 'crown prince'. But eventually they're gonna be king or emporor of... well, what exactly? Prinplup live alone and their snobby attitude is the one solid reason not a one of this Pokémon will give in to others of its kind, so I'm actually curious how's that going to work out once they evolve into Empoleon. Let's find out, shall we?

Empoleon surfing on the water. 

Piplup and Prinplup's high special defense stats, influences of emperor penguins and their ability to survive in cold climates and icy waters due to their thick downs would make you think Empoleon is actually a water/ice type, but nothing could be further from the truth: Game Freak decided to go the unconventional route for once and made Empoleon the first and only water/steel-type Pokémon.

STEEL TYPE REPRESENT!!!

Ahem, I am fine...

Of course, most of the time it's pretty obviously visible whether a Pokémon is a steel type or not, and the fact that this is not the case with Empoleon probably makes me love it even more. Naturally, this Pokémon has the highest sense of self-pride in the entire evolutionary line and anything or anyone who were to damage it will be slashed viciously with its wings - which can easily cleave through an ice floe, in case you were wondering. Apparently, this Pokémon is able to live in groups just fine, but the Empoleon with the biggest horns is the leader. Sure, the one with the biggest something is always the goddamn leader, isn't it? Well, I doubt emperor penguins consciously think they're better than other people or things, so I think it's the 'emperor' part that makes Piplup, Prinplup and Empoleon think so highly of themselves. And there's one certain human being that has been the inspiration for that.

Okay, somebody made this and I think it's fantastic!

We've got to take a look at Empoleon's namesake Napoleon Bonaparte to understand why it and its pre-evolution are so prideful. Obviously, the majority of you don't need to be introduced to Napoleon, as you probably know exactly who he is, but I'm going to give you a brief summary of his personality nonetheless. As you're probably all aware of, Napoleon was a highly competent military strategist who achieved victory after victory at the start of the 19th century and declared himself the Emperor of the French and King of Italy in 1804 and 1805, respectively. He hated losing, however; he cheated at card games, refused to take inspiration from other great conquerors and was accused of winning battles because of sheer luck, the kind of rumors and criticism he quickly attempted to scotch. Winning so often heightened his sense of self-grandiosity, leaving himself even more certain of his destiny and invincibility. Until, of course, he was defeated in the Battle of Waterloo in 1815 - something ABBA wouldn't let France forget about - and exiled to the remote island of Saint Helena by the British shortly thereafter.

In short, he was pretty much someone who would easily have said, "Hurt my pride and pay the consequences, or keep quiet." Empoleon, my guy... I get you. It's not your fault Game Freak and Nintendo characterized you this way. Don't worry, I've got your back.

Empoleon just being plain badass. 

Of all the Sinnoh starters, Empoleon is by far the best Pokémon to use competitively. Its base 84 HP stat and 101 special defense stat provide it some awesome special bulk, making it an excellent special tank utilized for support. I'm basically saying that a moveset consisting of Stealth Rock, Defog, Scald and Roar is enough for Empoleon to work, as long as it is holding the Leftovers (or a kind of berry that weakens a common super-effective ground- or fighting-type move, such as the Shuca or Chople Berry) and has a Calm or Bold nature to increase one of its defenses. You'd think this should always be its special defense, but that stat is high enough as is and you could therefore breed for a Bold Empoleon to try equaling its defenses in battle and let it serve as an all-around tank. However, its best base stat is its special attack, at 111, and it could therefore wreck house as well. A Choice Specs set with a Modest nature and the moves Hydro Pump, Flash Cannon, Ice Beam and either Grass Knot or Signal Beam will more than suffice, although you could also swap the Choice Specs for a more reliable item such as a Life Orb or one of those berries I mentioned earlier. Don't bother giving Empoleon a Choice Scarf or anything, because it's got some lousy speed, anyway; for that matter, you might be better off giving it Agility, which is a set-up move that doubles its speed but doesn't lock Empoleon into a certain move. As for its ability... Well, Torrent is basically your only option, because its hidden ability Defiant raises its attack - which you're not gonna use if you're smart - every time one of its stats is reduced.

GIF of Empoleon from - I think - Pokkén Tournament.

I've always loved Empoleon, and I have to say this Pokémon may well have laid the basis for my current love of steel types. What makes it a steel type exactly is still a mystery to me, but I'm not complaining: I love steel types for their defensive qualities as much as their aethetics, and like many others of its type Empoleon has 10 resistances and an immunity. This Pokémon is powerful and possibly even a little too overpowered for a normal playthrough, but I've found myself choosing Piplup more often than Turtwig (and definitely Chimchar), just because I think its design is so amazing. Its Napoleonic aesthetics based on the emperor penguin are genius in itself, but the crest extending from its beak resembles the trident of Poseidon - the ancient Greek god of the sea - and is a nice little touch on a bird-like water type like Empoleon. I'm giving it no fewer than a perfect 5 stars, but by this time you really shouldn't be surprised anymore.

P.S.: I find it hilarious how the German name Impoleon contains the word 'imp' somehow. It's actually from Imperator - which means 'emperor' in German - but there's this urban myth going around about Napoleon that he was ridiculously small. At 5'02" he was a bit short for an officer at the time, sure, but about average height for French peasants.

Rating: 5/5

#390 - #392: Chimchar, Monferno & Infernape

TCG art of Chimchar.

Let me confess here: I have never even used Chimchar in a playthrough before in my life and I definitely don't intend to do so. It's not that I hate it or anything, because I don't, but the fire/fighting starter hype was already wearing off at the time Diamond and Pearl came out and we were ready to face some brand new starter type combinations. In that regard, Torterra and Empoleon didn't disappoint. So what is it about Chimchar that makes me go "meh"? Why, first and foremost it's based on a monkey, which is something that has been done before in a much more original or humorous manner. Granted, Ambipom was introduced in the same generation as Chimchar and its evolutions, but its design elaborated on its Gen. II pre-evolution Aipom's design, so let's not nitpick about that. Second, we would be really tired of fire/fighting starters by the time Black and White came around, and the fact that Emboar was exactly that probably didn't work in its predecessor's favor, either. And last but not least, I really do love the other two Sinnoh starters to death. They have such creative and original designs, and Infernape just... doesn't.

Monferno... digging a hole, I guess? It's probably using Dig or
something. 

Now, Chimchar is pretty cute in its own right and doesn't deserve hate whatsoever, but the red patch on its rear - a baboon trait, although Chimchar is known as the 'Chimp Pokémon' and is therefore more likely to have been inspired by chimpanzees - is usually obscured by flames produced by burning gas in its stomach, which basically means that its flaming tail is a constant fart that only weakens when it becomes ill or go out when it's asleep. That's disgusting, Game Freak. Other than that, Chimchar doesn't have much going for it; it is good at climbing rocky mountain ledges, which is pretty much a cop-out because almost all real-life monkeys are good at climbing, but aside from that there's literally nothing left to mention about it. Of course, there's Ash's Chimchar from the anime, but that's basically a retelling of Charmander's story: it gets abandoned by its previous Trainer and Ash decides to be a Good Samaritan and adopt the Chimchar in the following episode. Monferno isn't that much better, with much of its flavor revolving around its goddamn tail, of all things. It skillfully controls the intensity of the flame on its tail to keep opponents at an ideal distance, its tail can be stretched in order to make Monferno appear larger, or it tries to impress the others in the pack by relying on the size of its tail flame and the brightness of its facial marking. The bigger the flame and the brighter its marking, the higher Monferno's position in the pack.

Monferno giving Chimchar a... love letter?

Some of Monferno's traits confuse me a little, among which its classification as the 'Playful Pokémon'. Nothing in its flavor indicates it's playful and it sure doesn't look that way, either. I also don't get why its French name Chimpenfeu has a reference to chimpanzees in it and Chimchar's French name Ouisticram doesn't. I get that ouistiti is French for 'marmoset' - an umbrella term for 22 extraordinarily fluffy monkey species, most of which don't get any taller than roughly 8 inches tall - but even though Chimchar is the child stage of this evolutionary line, it isn't actually that small and it doesn't share any traits with any of these species, either. Bulbapedia says Monferno seems to be a direct impression of monkey kung fu, a Chinese martial art that utilizes ape- or monkey-like movements as part of its technique and may explain Monferno's fighting type, but as far as I know there's nothing in Monferno's stance or movements that indicates it is based on monkey kung fu, especially not when it comes to launching aerial attacks from walls and ceilings. That's just plain monkey business, if you ask me; if anything, Mankey's stance is more 'kung fu' than Monferno's. Lastly, Monferno's Bulbapedia page doesn't mention chimpanzees in its 'Origin' paragraph anymore, as opposed to Chimchar's, even though some of its foreign names clearly contain some kind of reference to this species. But that's probably none of my business, right?

Okay, then. Maybe I am just being too finicky about a goddamn middle-stage evolution, but there are too many things that seem to make sense but really don't quite fit in my opinion. Anyway, let's move on to Infernape, because there are quite a few things to say about it.

Infernape fist-bumping a Pansear. Somehow Chimchar and
Monferno seem to be threatened by it, or at least a bit jealous.

The first thing I notice is that this evolutionary line's French names seem to be all over the place; while Ouisticram and Chimpenfeu contain references to marmosets and chimpanzees, respectively, Simiabraz seems to take a more vague direction with 'simian', an adjective used to describe something relating to or resembling monkeys or apes. At least they don't go into detail which monkey they're referring to this time. What's more important, though, is its Japanese name Goukazaru (ゴウカザル), which is most likely linked to the Dragonball Z character of Son Goku - or Goku for short. It is the Japanese interpretation of Sun Wukong, one of the main characters in the Chinese 16th-century epic Journey to the West. This classical novel, one of the four to be considered the greatest in Chinese literature, is an extended account of the legendary pilgrimage of a Tang-dynasty Buddhist monk who traveled to Central Asia and India to obtain Buddhist sacred texts and returned after many trials and much suffering. I'm not going into too much detail about the contents of te whole story; all you need to know is that Sun Wukong is a monkey with powerful abilities (often fire-related) who was sent with the Buddhist monk to serve as his protector as an atonement for its own sins, together with three others. The gold markings on Infernape's body seem to be a direct reference to this Monkey King persona as well, as they resemble some of the markings on the Monkey King's attire in some depictions of it.

Infernape creating a ring of fire with its 

Infernape seems to be using a special kind of martial art involving all of its limbs, and you can be sure that ain't a lie: it has access to various punching and kicking moves, perhaps more than other Pokémon at the same time, and it learns Close Combat by level-up. The latter isn't necessarily exclusive to Infernape, but it fits its flavor quite well. It is also often a staple move in its various competitive movesets, along with other strong moves that provide it either STAB or neat type coverage: Fire Blast, Flare Blitz, Mach Punch, Earthquake, Rock Slide, Stone Edge, Gunk Shot, Thunder Punch, Fire Punch, Iron Tail, Grass Knot, Poison Jab, U-Turn, Shadow Claw, Focus Blast, Overheat, Acrobatics, Flamethrower, Vacuum Wave, Brick Break and even Hidden Power if you're really short on options for a specific type. You may have noticed these moves are both physical- and special-based, and the reason for that is because Infernape is often used as a mixed attacker due to its equal 104 base offensive stats. That's why most Infernape have a Hasty or Naive nature, which both boost its speed but lower one of its defenses depending on which one you have. At a base 108 speed it is indeed quite quick, but its Pokédex entry in Pearl that states that "it is beaten by none in terms of quickness" is actually false; it is outsped by quite a lot of other Pokémon. That's fine as long as it has a speed-boosting nature and its offensive stats aren't negatively affected. Although... it has to be said that a Jolly nature fits well on a Swords Dance set and a Timid nature on a Nasty Plot set, the latter move only being available to it through Chimchar. What remain are the item Infernape should hold (which is mostly a Life Orb or Choice Scarf, or maybe a Choice Band) and the ability you should breed on it (Iron Fist if you taught it punching moves such as Mach Punch or Thunder Punch, and Blaze if you don't).

Smogon also mentions a physically defensive set for Infernape, which sounds more like one of these dumb movesets recommended by a certain PokéTuber who goes by the name of Verlisify. Don't ever use Infernape as a defensive support Pokémon, because it wasn't made for that purpose in the first place and there are many, many other Pokémon that can pull it off much, much better. It may suffer from four-moveslot syndrome, but that doesn't include support moves. No sir, not in the slightest.

I may not think Infernape is the greatest Pokémon of all, but this fan art is definitely
very nice. 

Infernape is more of a hit-and-run Pokémon in the competitive metagame, but it's a very powerful one at that. Unfortunately, that doesn't particularly make me like it. I can't help but feel it is a little bit too overdesigned: the red crest above its eyes should have the same primary orange color and there are a couple of gold markings too many. I don't know whether it's the pads on its knees, wrists or shoulders or the marking around its waist, but something feels out of place and makes the design a little bit too messy altogether. I understand what Game Freak were aiming at when designing this Pokémon, but I haven't quite... warmed up to it yet. Not as much as to Torterra and Empoleon, by any means.

Rating: 3.5/5