#238, #124: Smoochum & Jynx

Is it just me and my dirty mind, or is this genius piece of TCG art
a tad bit provocative? "Ayo gurrrl, show me dat booty!"

First Hitmontop, now Smoochum?

Goddamn, Game Freak must have liked them medieval bowl cuts back then...

Well, you know my opinion about baby Pokémon by now, don't you? So I don't have to tell you what I think about Smoochum, even though I don't particularly hate its design. Too bad its flavor is so incredibly boring though, because there is absolutely nothing about it that is remotely interesting, aside from the fact that Smoochum uses its thick, sensitive lips to identify and examine objects that it sees for the first time. So it's clumsy? Who cares, so am I. So it's vain? Yeah, me too. Jynx is a whole other matter. It likes to wiggle rythmically with its hips while it walks, so it already knew what it had to do with that big fat butt before Jason Derulo even sang about it; and on top of that, it alters the rhythm of its moving hips depending on how it is feeling. Its bouncingly alluring motions can make other people compelled to shake their hips with it without giving any thought to what they are doing. Jynx also talks in a strange, incomprehensible language that sounds human, but it is impossible to tell what it is trying to say and research is still being carried out to decipher its words.

Jynx as seen in the off-season anime episode
"Holiday Hi-Jynx", which was intended to be
the 39th episode but was rescheduled
following the seizures that "Electric Soldier
Porygon" caused to Japanese children.

However, that is not what makes Jynx so interesting. What's interesting is that, even 'til today, Jynx has been notorious for being a very controversial figure, within the fan base as well as outside. You see, Jynx originally had a black skin color combined with thick lips, which caused one Carole Boston Weatherford to complain that Jynx was a negative racial stereotype of African-Americans after she saw the episode "Holiday Hi-Jynx". Weatherford's complaint has caused many repercussions in the Pokémon franchise, starting with the alterations of Jynx's sprites in the Western releases of Gold and Silver. Its design has gradually changed since then, in all possible media: from the games and the anime to the TCG art and the manga (its skin was changed from a deep black to a dark gray, so to suggest that Jynx are purple). From Ruby and Sapphire onwards, Jynx's official sprites have been purple rather than black, even in Japan. The 41st episode of the fifth season of the anime, "The Ice Cave!" (English translation of the Japanese title), was skipped in its entirety in the English dub because Jynx still had its original skin color and, above all, played an important role in the episode. Also, it is said that another reason that the episode was banned was because Brock got really sick in it, suffering from a cold with symptoms that looked like SARS, a disease that caused an epidemic at the time, especially in China. However, this was dismissed as bullshit a short while after that, because the episode aired in China without causing any problems or controversy and because Jynx made a cameo appearance in the 13th episode of the sixth season, "All Things Bright and Beautifly!", that was cut from the English dub because of its black skin color. Only from the 23rd episode of season 8 onwards did Jynx's redesign appear in the anime, and it was the first time that Jynx was shown in the flesh in America since "Holiday Hi-Jynx".

But it doesn't end there.

Left: Jynx's original official art. Right: Jynx's current official art.
Both are created by Ken Sugimori.

Following the controversy surrounding Jynx's racial aspects, it is often discussed within the Pokémon fandom what it is based on. To this day, it is still not clear what Jynx is supposed to represent, although the fact that it is depicted as Santa's helper in "Holiday Hi-Jynx" might be a reference to the Dutch folklore character of Zwarte Piet (pronunciation: zwar-tuh peet), meaning Black Pete or Black Peter. Zwarte Pieten are men in blackface and frilly seventeenth-century clothing that accompany Sinterklaas, a corruption of Sint-Nicolaas (Saint Nicholas) of Myra, Anatolia. This patron saint of children had a reputation of being very generous and handing out gifts, particularly leaving coins in strangers' shoes. This led to several myths and traditions of gift-giving in some European countries, mostly on his feast day somewhere in December. Sinterklaas can be seen as the Dutch equivalent of Santa Claus; in fact, modern-day Santa is directly derived from the Dutch figure of Sinterklaas. There's only one huge difference here: Santa's little helpers are usually elves, while Sinterklaas' companions are Zwarte Pieten. Also, Sinterklaas doesn't have reindeers pulling a sleigh; instead, he travels to the Netherlands by steamboat and rides a white horse called Amerigo (named after the Italian explorer and cartographer Amerigo Vespucci; in Flanders the horse is called Slecht-Weer-Vandaag, meaning 'bad weather today') while in our country.

Zwarte Piet has become very controversial in the Netherlands lately, because of
his black-as-soot face. 

In recent years, Zwarte Piet has become a controversial figure in the Netherlands, mainly because he is thought to be a racist caricature, which has led to the introduction of alternate- and multi-colored Pieten participating in some sinterklaasoptochten ('Sinterklaas parades') held throughout the country. Most Dutch people, myself included, are displeased with this change and are like, "Hands off of our tradition", but the Sinterklaas holidays are undergoing a change and it seems to be inevitable that Zwarte Piet will soon be nothing more than a figure in our history books. Don't get me wrong, I am not racist by any means. In fact, I don't think Zwarte Piet is black by nature. Little children believe Zwarte Pieten enter their house by using the chimney, leaving candy in their shoes every few days (usually chocolate coins) until sinterklaasavond ('Sinterklaas evening') arrives, on which children get a moderate pile of presents. Zwarte Pieten are supposed to represent chimney sweeps covered in soot, although it's actually Santa himself who has adopted the tradition of going through the chimney, only without the dirty face. Admittedly, the idea of Zwarte Pieten being chimney sweeps has been executed quite terribly, especially considering the Netherlands' past with slavery.

The yamanba side of the fashion style called ganguro. This girl
scares me more than Jynx does. 

Anyway, there are a few other figures who may be the inspiration for Jynx. A common interpretation may be that of a Nordic or Viking woman, due to Jynx's primary ice typing and the old-fashioned, breastplated gown it is wearing. Another theory is that Jynx has traits of a female opera singer, as Pokémon Snap and its Gen. III sprites depict it singing, espcially the Emerald sprite that animates it singing a high note. It may have its origins in yuki-onna, meaning 'snow woman' (hence Jynx's ice type), Japanese spirits that are associated with winter and snowstorms. Additionally, Jynx is probably based most on the Japanese spirit Yama-uba (with Smoochum being based on the human child she is raising, Kintarō), who is described as always wearing a tattered red kimono, seducing her victims by dancing, and having golden white hair, a dark-colored skin, large lips and control over winter weather (does all that sound familiar?). Yamanba is also slang for the extreme side of the fashion style ganguro, which involves bleached hair, artificial tanning and applying brightly-colored lipstick, usually pink.

Three Jynx performing some sort of dance in unison.

Yup, there is a lot to say about Jynx, but at the end of the day, the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question is whether Jynx is viable for competitive play. Well, is it? Sure, if you know what you're doing. Jynx possesses some great special attack, very good speed and special defense, average HP and downright terrible attack and defense. That attack is something Jynx doesn't need anyway, but that low defense just plain sucks. There is a certain tactic you can use when battling with Jynx: run one with a Timid nature and its hidden ability Dry Skin (the other two it has aren't really useful), have it hold a Focus Sash or Life Orb, put the foe to sleep with Lovely Kiss (kinda risky with just 75% accuracy, though), set up with Nasty Plot and fire away with Ice Beam, Psyshock or Psychic, and/or Focus Blast. It also learns Shadow Ball, Energy Ball and Signal Beam, just for some type coverage. You can also Scarf or Specs Jynx, but that means you won't be able to set up with Nasty Plot and then destroy the opponent with its moves, as these items lock Jynx into using just one move until it is switched out. Watch out with Dry Skin: it effectively gives Jynx an immunity to water-type moves and heals its HP by a maximum of 25% if it is hit by one, but it strengthens the opponent's fire-type moves by 25% as well. And that's a problem, because Jynx's ice typing already renders it weak to fire.

Jynx has been interestingly controversial, to say the least, and the last word about it has yet to be said. All in all, I consider Jynx to be nothing more than OK: its design is alright, its flavor is alright (it's all about kissing as well: Lovely Kiss, Sweet Kiss, Draining Kiss...), and despite the fact that the controversy it caused is rather interesting, it did hold me back from actually loving this thing. Also, I'm not particularly fond of humanoid Pokémon (Lickilicky and Mr. Mime in particular), but I like Jynx well enough, even though I think it's a little bit creepy.

Rating: 3.5/5

#118 - #119: Goldeen & Seaking

Some elegant fan art of Goldeen.

It's a fucking goldfish.

You know, I had a goldfish when I was still in elementary school. I named it Seaking, after the Pokémon, and it had about the same color scheme, too. The goddamn thing went bonkers, I'm telling you, starting to swim upside down and all... Jesus Christ. And then it died. All I can say is that I wasn't sad in the slightest, because goldfish are boring, period. Goldeen is no ordinary goldfish though, because ordinary goldfish don't have horns they use to smash their way to freedom if they are kept in an aquarium (although it has to be said that Goldeen and its evolution are probably also based on Matsya, an avatar that the Hindu god Vishnu assumed, which is sometimes depicted as a fish with a horn). I'm also quite sure that the caudal fins of ordinary goldfish aren't admired by many for their beauty because they billow very much like a ball gown. They surely don't have the nickname of the Water Queen because of that, which Goldeen does, even though the gender ratio among Goldeen is an equal 50/50. It swims against the currents of rivers at a steady 5 knots (which is a little under 6 miles per hour), but can also be found in ponds and lakes.

Here we have this beautiful modified art again! 

Its evolution Seaking aren't only capable of swimming against a river's currents, they can travel up waterfalls as well. That is probably the reason why Seaking and Goldeen are the only Pokémon capable of learning the move Waterfall by level-up, in the first generation even before it became an HM move later on. In the autumn, they travel upriver, where male Seaking engage in elaborate courtship dances to woo females (yeah, despite its name, Seaking lives in rivers and its gender ratio is still a fair 50/50). They make their nests in riverbed boulders in order to prevent their spawn from washing away, protecting their offspring with their lives by patrolling the area around their nests. During spawning season, the Seaking gather from all over and make the river turn a brilliant red color, becoming an even brighter and more beautiful red themselves, but despite that, I think Seaking is quite the ugly fish. Look at that mouth, man...

A Seaking deflects Ash's Pikachu's Thunderbolt to Ash's Snorunt
with a Horn Drill in Ash's double battle against Gym Leader
Juan in the anime episode "The Great Eight Fate!"; season 8,
episode 18.

Also ugly are its stats, which are underwhelming at best. At base 92, its attack stat is by far the best, and that would have worked if the rest of its stats had been around 90 as well. Unfortunately that is not the case: while its HP and special defense are an OK base 80, the rest end up under 70, including its speed stat. That doesn't make Seaking very fast. Unless you use it in a rain team, that is, in which case its ability Swift Swim will activate, effectively doubling Seaking's speed. Just make sure you make another of your Pokémon set up the rain, though, because Seaking will need the Choice Band. That item raises its attack by 50% but makes it capable of using only one move until it is switched out. However, you'd do better to ditch the rain bullshit and go straight for the Lightning Rod approach, because Seaking isn't a very good Swift Swim user. Lightning Rod, on the other hand, eliminates one of Seaking's weaknesses: electric. It draws in all electric-type attacks and even gives Seaking a boost in its special attack if it is hit by one. Not that Seaking is going to use that boost, because it is a physical attacker, but one weakness fewer is always nice! As for its moves, Seaking relies on Waterfall. Aqua Tail might be an option, as it is stronger, but it doesn't have a chance to flinch should Seaking outspeed anything and it has lower accuracy. Drill Run, Poison Jab and Megahorn provide excellent type coverage, while Knock Off is used to make the opponent lose its held item during the remainder of the battle. Slap an Adamant nature and a Choice Band on Lightning Rod Seaking to max out its attack (it needs that desperately!) and you might just have a decent Pokémon.

Honestly, I don't mind Goldeen and Seaking, neither do I really have affection for them. I had a Goldeen plushie once, but it wasn't my favorite and I don't think I had it for very long, either. But I don't think that Seaking is the worst Pokémon ever, nor are its design and flavor overly boring; they're moderately interesting, let's put it that way.

Rating: 3.5/5

#440, #113, #242: Happiny, Chansey & Blissey

I have to admit this is some fine 3D fan art of Happiny, though.

Ugh. More fat, pink Pokémon... Just what we needed, right?

Nope.

At least, not Happiny. You know what Happiny is good for? Absolutely nothing, because practically everything about Happiny is nothing more than downright terrible. Its stats are absolutely booty; it is even tied with Chansey for the lowest base attack and defense of all Pokémon, both at 5. Even its pretty good 100 base HP won't make up for its low defensive stats and an Eviolite isn't gonna save them, either. Meh. Furthermore, its classification as the 'Playhouse Pokémon' really doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever, while its design bothers me to no end. It's so ridiculous. I mean... it looks like an infant wearing a pink diaper, complete with an egg-shaped toy. Well, that's where its annoying characteristics come into play: it is bothered by how curly its hair looks, it has a habit of being in the way of people and causing them to trip as a result of that, and it is always carrying an egg-shaped rock with it because it desperately wants to be a Chansey. That is sad. And not in a good way. Its Pokédex entries never mention anything like a playhouse either, which makes its classification even more confusing.

I'm still bothered by baby Pokémon like Happiny. I mean, they're so incredibly unnecessary...

In the anime, Chansey are often seen as Nurse Joy's assistants in
Pokémon Centers. 

Fortunately, though, it is easy to evolve Happiny into Chansey: just give it an Oval Stone to hold and level it up during the day. And do it fast, because Chansey is much better than its pre-evolution. Wait, wait, wait, I am moving way too fast now; I'll discuss Chansey's battle skills later. Let's take a look at its Pokédex entries first. Chansey is a rare and elusive Pokémon, but it is also gentle and kind-harted and will bring happiness and luck to those who manage to catch it. It will share its succulent and nutritious eggs, which it lays on a daily basis, with an injured human or Pokémon if it sees one. The eggs become even more delicious when Chansey is treated with love and care; so delicious, in fact, that even people who have lost their appetite devour them easily and eagerly. Its healing powers and caring nature make it an excellent nurse, which is why Nurse Joy is always assisted by a Chansey whenever Ash walks into a goddamn Pokémon Center (of course, Gen. V doesn't know what a Chansey is, so Unova Joys are assisted by Audino instead).

Fan art of Chansey happily giving Pachirisu an injection.

This whole healer thing is important, because that is exactly what Chansey is used for in the competitive scene. Yeah, well, its attack and defense are still booty (they're the same as Happiny's), but it has great special defense and a MASSIVE base HP stat of no less than 250. Two hundred and fucking fifty. Only Blissey, Chansey's evolution, has a higher HP stat, but it is higher by only five base points. As Chansey's special defense is high enough already, most players run a Chansey with a Bold nature and EV investment in HP and defense. Give it an Eviolite, a held item that raises a yet-to-evolve Pokémon's defense and special defense by 50%, and you have an ultimate wall. It means that Chansey can take a few physical hits, despite its dreadfully low defense stat. Unfortunately, Chansey has no attacking power, which means it will have to rely on a moveset consisting of Soft-Boiled (heals its HP by half), Seismic Toss (deals damage equal to the user's level), Heal Bell (all Pokémon in the user's party are cured of their non-volatile status conditions, if they have any), and either Toxic or Thunder Wave in order to cripple the opponent with a status effect.

The Chansey family: Happiny (on top of Chansey), Chansey itself (left) and Blissey
(right), with Nurse Joy in the background. 

There are other options, though. Counter is a decreased-priority move that hits for twice the physical damage done to Chansey on that turn, which may be an option, while Thunderbolt, Ice Beam and Flamethrower are viable options if you want to hit ghost-type Pokémon, who are unaffected by Seismic Toss (and Counter, for that matter). Wish can only be obtained by using a special event Chansey that was distributed from December 16, 2004 to January 2, 2005 to any Gen. III game. You probably don't have one, and quite honestly it is not worth the hassle. Do make sure your Chansey has Natural Cure as its ability though, which heals any status condition it has upon switching out. Its hidden ability Healer has a 30% chance of curing an adjacent ally's status condition, so this only comes in handy when you're participating in double battles. And while Chansey also has the Serene Grace ability and its very own held item called the Lucky Punch, both of which raise its critical hit ratio, this combination is actually not a good idea to use considering Chansey's poor offensive presence.

Old official art of Blissey.

So, what about Blissey? Well, its flavor is pretty much the same as Chansey's, with the only difference being the effects of its eggs: eating a Blissey egg will bring happiness to a sad person and makes someone unfailingly caring and pleasant to everyone. Blissey evolves from Chansey when leveled up with high friendship, which means it is a fully-evolved Pokémon. As a result, Blissey cannot use the Eviolite (it depends on Leftovers instead), which sucks because it needs that item. Its base 10 defense might be slightly better than Chansey's, but it is still very, very poor, especially when you consider that Chansey can make use of the Eviolite to make up for its terrible physical defense. Therefore, Blissey resides in a lower tier than Chansey (UU, underused, rather than OU, overused), but that doesn't mean it is bad. On the contrary, Blissey has even higher special defense and special attack stats (along with a slightly better HP stat, but that doesn't really make much difference), which means it is capable of tanking special hits and hitting the opponent with at least some power. However, Blissey is often used in the same way as Chansey is, with the same nature, EV spread and stalling moveset used by its pre-evolution. Besides, its special attack is only mediocre and is really nothing to write home about, so it's probably a good thing using Blissey as a special wall rather than a special attacker.

All in all, it's too bad Game Freak had to introduce Happiny, because that Pokémon is ridiculous and redundant and has hardly any use, in-game as well as competitively. Chansey and Blissey are amazing Pokémon to use if you know what you're doing, however, so you won't see a bad rating on this page by any means. Yes, I know that they're pink, cute and fluffy, but I like them nonetheless.

Rating: 3.5/5

#109 - #110: Koffing & Weezing

Some ancient official art of Koffing.

Jesus CHRIST, am I glad I get to review a Pokémon I actually like after the disaster that is called Lickilicky!

Koffing and Weezing are the last of 33 poison types in the Kanto Pokédex (they even outnumber water types in this generation), but are they the best? They are some of the most disgusting, that's for sure, as they are the personification of air pollution. As a matter of fact, Koffing and Weezing were originally known as Ny and La in the Red and Blue bèta. These names obviously represented the air-polluted metropolises of New York City and Los Angeles, respectively, although I guess they can't be as bad as Beijing. Instead, the translators went with Koffing and Weezing, which are corruptions of coughing and wheezing, as you usually do when inhaling toxic gases. Additionally, Koffing and Weezing share traits with two other poison-type evolution lines, namely Grimer and Muk (based on water pollution) and Trubbish and Garbodor (based on land pollution).

Koffing (above) and Weezing (below) in the Pokémon
anime series. 

Koffing is all about air pollution, though. This kind of pollution is probably the most well-known and most serious kind, due to the emission of high concentrations of carbon dioxide (CO₂) by numerous factories and cars all over the world, and more. Koffing is the personification of that kind of pollution, as it is able to create gases within its body by mixing toxins with garbage. These gases are lighter than air, allowing Koffing to hover, and they're so malodorous and unhealthy that they cause sniffles, coughs and teary eyes to those around it. If Koffing becomes agitated, it will increase the toxicity of its eternal and expels them from all over its body. It produces more gas when it's hot, but when too many kinds of gas are mixed up at too high a temperature, they will expand and cause its thin, balloon-like body to explode. Apparently, it takes many years for two Koffing to form a Weezing when two gases pool (of course, leveling up Koffing to level 35 will suffice in the games). Each of Weezing's heads contains a different toxin, which Weezing mixes by inflating one head and deflating the other. When these gases mix (and when Weezing feeds on dust, germs and gases emitted by rotted kitchen garbage and toxic waste, for that matter) it becomes more toxic and putrid, but unlike Koffing's gases, Weezing's can actually be used to make top-grade perfumes by diluting them to the highest level.

Some amazing realistic fan art of Koffing expelling its poisonous
gases.

In short, Koffing and Weezing are dangerous Pokémon you should not be around with if you don't want to choke on highly noxious gases. It's a nice touch to match Koffing and Weezing's level-up movepool (e.g. Poison Gas, Smog, Smokescreen, Haze, Clear Smog, Self-Destruct, Explosion) with their flavor. Seriously though, having these Pokémon be based on air pollution, Trubbish and Garbodor completing the pollution 'cycle' in the fifth generation, is a very subtle way to bring pollution to the attention of people, which may make them aware of it. Whether this was really Game Freaks intention or not (personally, I think they just wanted to come up with some really original ideas), it is probably a slightly ineffective way to do so all the same, as children really don't care about it and just want to use these awesome creatures to proceed through the game. While Weezing definitely isn't the most popular out of all existing Pokémon, it is undoubtedly the most popular pollution Pokémon (poor Garbodor is hated on by practically everybody), being one of the original 151 along with Grimer and Muk and the most defensive one.

Weezing in the anime series, emitting its extremely toxic gases.

And that great defense stat, usually exploited by using a Weezing with a Bold nature, makes this Pokémon very useful in competitive play, combined with its ability to badly cripple its foes. It does that by burning them with Will-O-Wisp, poisoning them by setting up Toxic Spikes or damaging them while gaining some HP back with Pain Split. That last move adds the current HP of the user and the target, divides that value by two and sets the HP of both Pokémon to that result. It's tricky to use, but used correctly it's a good way to regain some health back, not to mention it is actually the only way to do that besides giving either Black Sludge or Leftovers to Weezing as a held item. Black Sludge is the better option, as it only heals poison types and hurts Pokémon of other types; and if some Pokémon or other uses Trick or Switcheroo, it will hurt it instead of heal it. As for the other slot in Weezing's moveset, it should use either Sludge Bomb or Flamethrower, despite its attack being slightly higher than its special attack.

Wait, what? I never knew that; I thought its special attack was much higher than its attack stat! Goddamn, reviewing every single Pokémon can be rather surprising sometimes...

More weird Weezing fan art, just for the hell of it.

Anyway, you can even drop Toxic Spikes and add both moves, because Flamethrower hits steel types whereas Sludge Bomb does not, and Will-O-Wisp gives the opposing Pokémon a status condition anyway. Clear Smog and Haze are options to reset all stat levels of the target to 0, which prevents the opponent from setting up. Clear Smog can be used to damage the foe as well, but it doesn't work on steel types, while Haze is actually able to do so but doesn't do any damage. Lastly, Weezing's ability Levitate makes it get rid of a pesky weakness to a very common type, the ground type, which makes its only weakness the psychic type.

All in all, I quite like Weezing, although it doesn't really appeal to me as much as Muk and Garbodor do. And yes, I do actually like Garbodor. Don't hate on me. Long story short, Weezing gets a well-deserved rating of 3.5 stars, just half a star lower than Muk and probably Garbodor, too.

P.S.: Did you know that Smogon, the premier website specializing in the art of competitive battling, is actually named after Koffing's German name?

Rating: 3.5/5

#100 - #101: Voltorb & Electrode

Misty's Togepi actually befriended a Voltorb in the anime
episode "The Underground Round Up"; season 2, episode 34.

Somebody at Game Freak must have thought, "Hey, let's make a Pokémon that disguises itself as a Poké Ball and blows itself up for no goddamn reason at all."

Sounds fun.

And so Voltorb came into existence. And indeed, Voltorb do look like Poké Balls, which they demonstrate in the games as well. Generally, Poké Ball icons in the overworld are handy items you can pick up from the ground, but you might just get tricked and encounter a Voltorb when running about in the power plant (or New Mauville, for that matter). Incidentally, Voltorb's shiny form looks like a Great Ball, an upgraded Poké Ball. Coincidence? I think not. These Pokémon were first seen in a plant where modern Poké Balls were invented and are thought to have been created by being exposed to a strong energy pulse. This theory is only strengthened by the fact that it was discovered that Voltorb's components cannot be found in nature and thus it is a man-made Pokémon.

A Poké Ball among the Poké Balls.

But that's not all: Voltorb can evolve... into a reverse Poké Ball. That's right, Electrode is just an upside-down Voltorb, with just one difference: it has a mouth. Even Electrode sometimes gets mistaken for an item, despite it being almost 4 feet tall. It is known for drifting with the wind when it is full of stored electricity (which they absorb from power plants where fresh electricity is being generated, often causing blackouts), despite it weighing nearly 150 pounds. Other than that, Voltorb and Electrode are very much alike when it comes to their flavor: both Pokémon have the tendency to explode with very little or no stimulus (the slightest shock could trigger an enormous explosion), the only difference being that Electrode sometimes does it to entertain itself when it is bored. That's one suicidal bomb ball if I've ever seen one. Yeah, we all know the struggle of trying to catch an Electrode when suddenly it blows up in your fucking face.

Ken Sugimori's official art of Electrode.

However, Electrode really doesn't need the moves Self-Destruct or Explode, because its powerful (!) base 50 attack stat doesn't let it make good use of them. Electrode is a fast special attacker instead, even though it's not strictly a glass cannon: its base 80 special attack is okay, but it isn't something to write home about. Being the second fastest out of all non-legendary Pokémon, it's its speed what makes Electrode worthwile. It is able to set up the rain quickly with Rain Dance (and a Damp Rock attached to it, to extend the duration of the rain) and abuse a perfectly accurate Thunder, which would otherwise have only 70% accuracy. Taunt is useful to prevent opponents from setting up with stat-increasing moves, entry-hazard moves or moves that induce other weather conditions, and Volt Switch allows Electrode to get the hell out of the battle if it needs to, while still inflicting some damage. A Choice Specs-holding, Modest-natured Electrode might be an option as well, but it doesn't have all that many useful special moves to begin with. A staple move would be Thunderbolt, with Signal Beam and any type of Hidden Power as back-up. And the fourth move? Uhm... Thunder? Maybe Mirror Coat if you feel confident enough that your Electrode can endure a special-based move first? I don't know; these are literally all good special-based moves it has access to. Too bad Electrode doesn't have much offensive presence, but at least it has three interesting abilities. Soundproof is the preferred and most useful one, because it negates the effects of all sound-based moves, including the ones that would normally damage Electrode. Static paralyzes a foe upon making contact and its hidden ability Aftermath causes the foe to take some damage when Electrode is knocked out with a direct attack. Nice abilities, but they're easy to get around.

We're so ballin'.

I don't know whether I should see Electrode as extremely unimaginative or the other way around. All I can say is that Electrode didn't disappoint me when I used it in a playthrough once, and one of the reasons is that it had no weaknesses. Normally, Electrode is weak to ground-type moves, but as these are somewhat easy to predict, I found myself evading many Earthquakes by setting up a Magnet Rise. This move lets Electrode levitate by using electrically generated magnetism for five turns, making it immune to ground-type attacks. Heh, I had so much fun with that. Just the fact that I used one in the first place is an indication that I don't hate Voltorb and Electrode in the slightest; on the contrary, these short-fused Pokémon have very interesting characteristics in my opinion. Besides, you can't say nobody put some thought into their designs. If only they had somehow executed them in a different way, because now they just seem lazy while this is not really the case at all. How about a 3.5-star rating, huh?

Rating: 3.5/5

#96 - #97: Drowzee & Hypno

Two pieces of TCG art of Drowzee.

Sometimes I think Pokémon isn't meant for kids at all, because Game Freak come up with the scariest Pokédex entries for certain Pokémon.

The Pokémon I'm going to talk about right now are good examples of that.

Drowzee is a tapir Pokémon that is based on the Japanese myth of the baku, tapir-like creatures that are known for eating people's bad dreams. Drowzee basically does the same thing: it is able to put people to sleep and sense their dreams with its big nose, and will then eat those dreams through the victim's itching nose. Unlike the baku, Drowzee prefers fun dreams over nightmares, as the latter make it ill, and it will rarely eat the dreams of adults because children's dreams are seemingly tastier. They're TASTIER. Drowzee, you're already a creep for being some sort of dream pedophile, but the fact that you remember every dream you've eaten and can even pass them on to someone who sleeps by you is even creepier. Strangely enough, Drowzee is NOT able to learn Dream Eater in the video games; at least not by level-up. A few other Pokémon are, however, but the only one who can learn this particular move that somewhat matches its flavor is Darkrai. Drowzee, on the other hand, learns it through TM85 instead, which can be taught to numerous Pokémon that way. Game Freak, what up wit dat?

Rare Candy Treatment had the same issue with Drowzee not being able to learn
Dream Eater naturally. The only inconsistency is that Drowzee actually eats dreams
through the victim's nose rather than the ear. 

Anyway, if you thought Drowzee was scary, you ain't seen shit yet. You see, when Drowzee reaches level 26 it evolves into Hypno. That Pokémon is based on the same mythological monster its pre-evolution is based on (although Hypno looks more like a combination between a hypnotist and a proboscis monkey rather than a tapir, in my opinion), except it carries a glittering pendulum that it rocks at a steady rhythm to lull people into a deep hypnosis or put them to sleep in order to feast on their dreams, polishing its pendulum while it awaits its prey. But here's the thing: there once was an incident in which a Hypno took away a child it hypnotized. It's a KIDNAPPER! Game Freak, are you trying to let kids have a good time playing Pokémon or scare the shit out of them? Well, you can't say it's not an original concept to work with, at least I'll grant them that.

Hypno hypnotizing a child, which can be seen in the reflection of
his pendulum.

Too bad they didn't do anything in the video games to match its flavor. Okay, they let the player return a child who was kidnapped by a Hypno and taken to the nearby Berry Forest on Three Island (one of the Sevii Islands) in FireRed and LeafGreen, but I still don't get this Dream Eater thing. Not that Hypno needs that move anyway, because it will have to put the foe to sleep first and the only way it can do that is by using the low-accuracy move Hypnosis. Oh hey, looky looky at that: a flavor-matching move! Alright, enough with the sarcasm; let's see what Hypno is used for in competitive play. Its highest stats are its special defense and HP, so it won't come as a surprise that it is used a specially defensive wall. Combined with hold item Leftovers (to heal some of its HP after every turn) and ability Insomnia (so that Hypno can't be put to sleep) that can be accomplished very easily, especially combined with the Wish/Protect combo and a status-inflicting move like Thunder Wave or Toxic. Of course, Hypno should have an attacking move as well, which comes down to either Seismic Toss, which does damage equal to the user's level and is used against Pokémon that resist its STAB move Psychic, or Psychic itself. As for when using Hypno in a playthrough: it can learn Nasty Plot, which sharply raises its special attack, so a moveset consisting of Nasty Plot, Psychic, Shadow Ball and Dazzling Gleam is perfect. Its base 73 special attack (and physical attack, for that matter) might be a bit too low, but at least it's not entirely useless if you use at least one Nasty Plot.

I have never used Hypno before, and I don't think I want to in the future. It's not that I'm appalled by its characteristics or something (on the contrary, I quite find them some of the most interesting in the games), but Hypno is one of those Pokémon that has never really appealed to me, either. Aside from that, Hypno does have an interesting design and flavor, so I'll grant it a well-deserved 3.5-star rating.

Rating: 3.5/5

#86 - #87: Seel & Dewgong

Pretty nice fan art of Seel.

Talk about uninspiring Pokémon.

Okay, Seel and Dewgong are obviously based on pinnipeds, or seals, as these animals are more commonly called. More specifically, the Pokédex suggests they are based on sea lions. Otariinae (sea lions) are a subfamily of otariidae (eared seals, under which sea lions and fur seals can be categorized), which is one of three groups categorized under pinnipedia, all pinnipeds in general, even walruses. Not only is Seel's name pretty unimaginative, its flavor is pretty much based on what real seals do as well, if you ignore the fact that sea lions don't actually live on icebergs in frigid ocean waters as cold as -40°F and don't thrive in these cold environments at all; that's the thing of other seal species. They don't have the warm fur and thick hide that Seel has, either. Come to think of it, I think we have another case of 'erroneous Pokédex classification', but let's not get further into that. Game Freak are close enough this time, and there are plenty of other things to talk about.

Dewgong in all its glory.

Like how Dewgong is largely based on the aquatic mammals dugongs (from the dugongidae family) and manatees (from the trichechidae family), also known as sea cows (the order sirenia), rather than seals. Or sea lions, for that matter. Dewgong shares much of its flavor with its pre-evolution, like its ability to resist even extreme cold by storing thermal energy in its body (but don't all ice-type Pokémon have a resistance to cold?), its capability to swim fast and agilely through the water (no shit, it's a water type), and its tendency to hunt for food at night rather than during the day. It even gets more active when the weather is cold, like Seel, and specifically searches for cold places to rest, like Seel. The only thing that can't be found on seals and sea cows is its horn, with which it's able to break through thick layers of ice. It's such a shame Dewgong's characteristics aren't a little bit more interesting, because I actually quite like its design.

More fan art of Dewgong, because its official art isn't near as
interesting. 

Dewgong serves little purpose in battles, either. It's a very mediocre in-game Pokémon, with base attack and special attack stats of only 70. It's more defensive than it is offensive, with 90 base HP, 80 base defense and 95 base special defense. This could be useful in the competitive tier (NU; never used) it resides in. It is recommended to use a Dewgong with a Calm nature, the item Leftovers for it to hold, and the Thick Fat ability. This ability reduces damage from fire- and ice-type moves, from which Dewgong takes neutral damage or to which it is resistant anyway. Hydration makes it cure status conditions in the rain, but this only works in a rain team, while Ice Body allows it to restore some health when it's hailing, which is disadvantageous to the other (non-ice-type) Pokémon in your team, as hail damages them. Now, as for the moves Dewgong should learn... It is a specially defensive support Pokémon, no doubt, which it why it should have Toxic, to poison the foe, and Protect, to Toxic stall the foe and gain some recovery from its own Leftovers. Surf or Ice Beam is an offensive move to keep Dewgong from being Taunt bait, while Perish Song (which makes the user as well as the target faint within three turns) can be used on Pokémon on which Toxic has no effect, such as Pokémon with the Magic Guard ability or steel types.

If it weren't for Dewgong's uninteresting flavor and mediocre battling capabilities, I would have given it a better rating, probably even close to five stars. Now, however, I have no choice but to pull back a little and give Dewgong a rating of 3.5 stars. And that's still generous of me.

Rating: 3.5/5

#69 - #71: Bellsprout, Weepinbell & Victreebel

TCG art of Bellsprout.

I was going to make a joke about how Bellsprout's Pokédex number fits it perfectly, but on second thought I think that would have been highly inappropriate.

Shit, I did it, didn't I?

But all joking aside, Bellsprout's only distinctive trait is that it is based off of carnivorous pitcher plants, which is not an uninteresting thing to work with. To find anything interesting, however, we should take a look at its evolutions, Weepinbell and Victreebel, because all Bellsprout can do is prey on bugs and stick its root-like feet in the ground to absorb water and be stuck there. Even Weepinbell behaves much like a real-life pitcher plant does: it camouflages itself to await its prey, sprays pollen to paralyze them, and melts them with its internal acids, which it neutralizes to prevent its own acid fluids from melting its own body. When its victims don't fit in its gigantic mouth, it slices them up with the razor-sharp leaves it has for hands. That is kinda gross, but I'm starting to get a little disappointed there. It looks like Bellsprout and Weepinbell are just alternatives to Oddish and Gloom, and worse ones at that, too.

Dumb-looking Weepinbell

So, is Victreebel any better? A little. It is less clumsy than Weepinbell, who hangs from the stem of a tree while it is asleep, often letting itself fall and finding itself on the ground when it awakens. Good job there, Weepy. Victreebel's long vine (or whip, if you will) is used to mimic animals in order to attract prey, along with a sweet scent it produces, and an acid that has dissolved numerous victims and becomes even sweeter and more effective at attracting prey (mostly small birds and rodents, which Victreebel hoards). This acid even devours the hardest things it swallows. The most interesting thing is that groups of Victreebel often go out to collect Leaf Stones to help Weepinbell to become more Victreebel during nocturnal evolution rituals. The more Victreebel, the better, I assume.

Except for Pidgey and Rattata, that is.

So its classification as the 'Flycatcher Pokémon', which also applies to Weepinbell, is not strictly true. Real-life pitcher plants often lure just insects, though, so I'll let Game Freak have that one. What I'll also let them have is the misspelling of 'bell' in Victreebel, because the game script only allowed them to use a maximum of 10 characters for each name and item when the Pokémon franchise was just getting started. What I won't let them have, however, is Bellsprout's classification as the 'Flower Pokémon'. It's a bud, not a full-grown flower. Come to think of it, I don't even think I can consider Weepinbell and Victreebel flowers; I'd rather see them as plants. To make it simple, it would have been much more appropriate to make Bellsprout a flycatcher Pokémon as well, but why go the easy way when you can make it as difficult as possible? Right, Game Freak?

Fan art of a dangerous-looking Victreebel.

Well, off to a more pressing matter: how does Victreebel stand out as a battler? Honestly, it sucks. Or rather: I think it sucks. Okay, I'll admit it has some very good attacking stats, with its base attack being a little higher (105) than its base special attack (100). The thing is that Victreebel can't do anything with them for too long, because it is frail and relatively slow. Its ability Chlorophyll doubles its speed in harsh sunlight, so that is the situation you want it in. In the process of setting up the sun, though, it might well have to take a hit first and that is not what you want. Instead, let another Pokémon set up the sun and switch in to a Modest-natured Life Orb Victreebel when the time is right. Victreebel doesn't have many moves to sweep with while the sun is up, but Solar Beam is a good idea; that move normally requires a turn to charge up first, but not in the sun. Sludge Bomb is another STAB move for it, while Weather Ball (through breeding) has the effect to change types during certain weather conditions, changing into fire in harsh sunlight. Sleep Powder (do I need to explain what it does?) or Growth (raises the attack and special attack stats by two stages each while the sun is up; otherwise, this move just raises these stats by one stage each) might be a good idea, but pass on Synthesis; the moment Victreebel has healed up, it'll get an opponent's move in its face. If you're so adamant about having a healing move in its moveset, then drop Sludge Bomb for Giga Drain, which does a great amount of damage and heals 1/3 the damage dealt to the opponent.

This fan-art Victreebel looks more interesting than
the original, and it also looks more like a real-life
pitcher plant to me. The Venonat on the edge of
Victreebel's mouth is about to meet its maker, tho.

Also, the games fail to maintain Victreebel's flavor. Despite its huge whip, it can only learn Power Whip (which is its only good physical attacking move, mind you) and Acid Spray through breeding, while moves like Acid and Gastro Acid are only available through its pre-evolutions. Well, at least that is something, isn't it? It learns such few useful and available moves for a normal playthrough as well, in which setting up the sun is a bit unnecessary and thus it has to rely on some other status moves or perhaps more STAB moves instead. I feel like Game Freak could have done so much more with this whole pitcher plant thing, but Victreebel turns out to be a worse alternative to Vileplume altogether, who could pull off at least the poison part better than Victreebel. Even though Vileplume's ability Chlorophyll contradicts its flavor a little, as it is usually a nocturnal Pokémon, it is still better. It can fight and set up on its own and it is capable of taking a hit, while Victreebel is too frail to set up first and needs another teammate to summon the sun for it instead. It is such a shame I have to be so negative about Victreebel, because I really don't hate this thing; not by a long shot. Carnivorous plants are an original topic to work with, and its flavor text is actually quite interesting (well, more interesting than Bellsprout and Weepinbell's), but it's a pity the games don't really show that it can be a good Pokémon by changing its movepool around a little. For now, I won't use this Pokémon, but its design, characteristics and role in the anime series (who could forget James's Victreebel, who would try to swallow James out of affection for him every time it is sent out of its Poké Ball?) save it from getting a poor rating.

Rating: 3.5/5

#66 - #68: Machop, Machoke & Machamp

Fan art of a brave little Machop.

The following Pokémon are probably the strongest Pokémon in existence. And with that I don't mean that they have the highest attack stats in the game or something.

No, Machop can carry multiple times its own weight with muscles that never tire or cramp. Machoke's muscles are even as hard as steel and it is capable of lifting extremely heavy objects with just one finger. Just imagine what it could do without the freaking belt it is wearing, because that thing regulates Machoke's strength. However, the strength of Machop and Machoke combined is nothing compared to Machamp's. Brace yourselves, because it's gonna get crazy: Machamp can MOVE AN ENTIRE GODDAMN MOUNTAIN WITH JUST ONE HAND!!! Can you imagine a bodybuilder Pokémon of barely five feet tall moving Mount Everest? Well, apparently Machamp can do that. Never mind the five hundred punches per second it can throw at somebody, or the strength with which it swings its foe far over the horizon; it can move a mountain 5,530 times its own height. Now that is a fighting-type Pokémon with an interesting flavor. Machamp is so different from Primeape, who can only start rampaging for absolutely nothing, and Poliwrath, who doesn't even have any distinctive features aside from being able to swim fast. The only downside to Machamp is that it is all brawn and no brains, as it cannot handle delicate work without its four arms becoming tangled and it rushes into action without thinking.

Fan art of a fierce and fearsome Machamp.

Machamp, who can be female despite its name (which is derived from macho, a Spanish term for 'overly masculine' or 'chauvinist'), is a great Pokémon to use competitively. Its 130 base attack nowhere near meets its flavor text, but it is still nothing to sneeze at. Like, at all. Its decent HP and defenses allow him to take a few hits, especially when it is holding an Assault Vest. That is necessary, because Machamp isn't the fastest Pokémon in the world. It comes with at least two great abilities: No Guard, which lets all of Machamp and its opponent's moves land despite move accuracy, and Guts, which boosts its attack stat when it has a status ailment. The first lets Machamp land a Dynamic Punch, which normally has 50% accuracy but always confuses the target when it hits, with no problem at all. That could be handy, as Machamp receives STAB from it, while the confusion can gain him some extra turns. When you run a Guts Machamp, you'd do wise to replace Dynamic Punch with Close Combat and attach a Flame Orb or Toxic Orb to Machamp instead of a Life Orb, Choice Band or Assault Vest. You could keep either of the latter three, but if you do that it won't get a Guts boost until it has a static ailment, which would be completely situational and might not work out in your favor. By giving Machamp a Toxic or Flame Orb, you can poison or burn it (these status conditions only cause a little damage each turn, while the attack drop from the burn is negated because of Guts) and prevent paralysis and sleep.

Such a macho family, innit? From left to right: Machamp (final evo), Machop (basic
stage), and Machoke (middle stage).

Now, as for the moves Machamp learns, there is one weird thing. You see, the Pokédex classifies Machamp and its pre-evolutions as 'Superpower Pokémon', which isn't even a lie; these creatures are crazy strong. The thing is, however, that they cannot learn the move Superpower naturally. They learn a wide arrange of fighting-type moves that perfectly fit them, and ORAS even gave them the dragon-type move Dual Chop to boast about, but to learn Superpower they need the intervention of a Move Tutor. And such a person isn't even present in every core-series game, mind you. Not that Superpower is such a useful move if you have Close Combat on Machamp, but it's such a pity it doesn't learn the one move that really defines it flavor...

Well, whatever. The rest of its movepool consists of much better moves, anyway. First off, you should definitely teach it Knock Off, which deals double its base damage (65) if the opponent is holding an item. That's a clean 130 damage right there. The elemental punches can come in handy as well, but Ice Punch is the handiest due to dragon types. As so many Pokémon, Machamp can learn Earthquake, Poison Jab and Stone Edge, the latter of which is nice in combination with its ability No Guard, as it has fairly low accuracy. As for punching moves, Machamp can learn the fighting-type move Focus Punch, as well as the weaker steel-type move Bullet Punch for priority, but Game Freak are yet to give him Mach Punch (also for priority) and Drain Punch (for some reliable recovery), both of which are fighting-type moves. This is tiring, Game Freak. Do your goddamn job.

Machoke (left) and Machamp (right) trying to build a fragile Pokémon TCG card
house without ruining it with their super strength, while Machop is watching on
Machoke's back. 

The Machop line are an interesting bunch, to say the least. They're probably the most humanoid Pokémon out there, along with Smoochum and Jynx, Hariyama, Hitmonchan, and the Gothita line. Mime players and clowns freak me out, so don't even dare mention Mr. Mime. (Oh shit, now I did that. Just great.) Anyhow, rating this Pokémon wasn't an easy job. I love these Pokémon, but there are so many flaws in their designs (what are the red stripes on Machoke supposed to be, and why doesn't Machamp have them; and why does Machoke have a purplish color, while Machop and Machamp are gray?), and there are so many things in the game that fail to connotate with their flavor texts (like Superpower and those fighting-type punching moves), that I have to deduct at least one star from my original rating. Too bad.

Rating: 3.5/5

#56 - #57: Mankey & Primeape

The wild Mankey who stole Ash's hat in the anime episode
"Primeape Goes Bananas"; season 1, episode 25. Ash would
later catch it (as a Primeape).

Next up on my list are the monkey/pig hybrid things that go by the names of Mankey and Primeape.

Oh wait, the Pokédex says they're 'Pig Monkey Pokémon'.

Details... They're a combination between a monkey and a pig (which is anatomically impossible in real life), so it doesn't really matter whether Mankey and Primeape are called monkey pigs or pig monkeys. You know what I'm talking about either way. And it's still a fact that Mankey are some of the most agressive and short-tempered Pokémon you've ever seen in your life. If one Mankey gets livid, the whole goddamn colony rampages for no reason. Talk about throwing a tantrum. And when a Mankey loses sight of its colony, its loneliness causes it to become infuriated; it begins shaking and its breathing turns rough. That is easily demonstrated by a Mankey that becomes angry with Ash when he tries to catch it, resulting in the Mankey beating up Ash and stealing his hat. Then *blah blah blah* Team Rocket tries to steal Pikachu *blah blah* James kicks Mankey *blah blah* causes it to evolve into Primeape *blah blah blah* beats them up *blah blah* beats up Brock and chases Ash *blah blah blah* Ash's Charmander defeats it and Ash catches it *blah blah* unleashes it on Team Rocket *blah blah*. Y'know, the usual stuff.

Mankey (left) with Ash's first hat balancing on its tail, and Primeape with its
ever-so-recognizable stress mark on the left side of its forehead.

But Mankey are sweet little fluff balls compared to Primeape. The latter's blood circulation becomes more robust when they become furious, which makes their muscles stronger. They go bananas even if someone or something only makes eye contact with them, and they will chase anyone who (or anything that) enrages them. That is also the case with Ash's Primeape, who was mischievous, vicious, extremely violent, out of control all of the time and easily angered. This caused Ash to reconsider using Primeape in battles multiple times, until they came across a man called Anthony and the P1 Grand Prix, a battle tournament in which only fighting-type Pokémon could participate. This competition caused Ash and Primeape to bond a little, but Ash didn't hesitate to leave Primeape with Anthony, who would train Primeape to be a P1 champion.

Fan art of a furious Primeape. 

But these characteristics should result in a capable Pokémon to use in the video games, right? Well, sort of. Its defenses are really mediocre and its HP stat doesn't help either, but its attack and speed are actually quite good. Primeape sits in Smogon's NU tier and its strength and speed can be taken advantage of by giving it a Choice Band or Choice Scarf, which raises its attack or speed by 50%, respectively. In combination with Primeape's ability Anger Point, which maximizes its attack stat when the opponent gets a critical hit on it, it can hit hard and fast. Its hidden ability Defiant, which sharply raises its attack when another stat is lowered, is more reliable though, as the use of Anger Point is somewhat situational. Other items, like a Life Orb, Expert Belt or Black Belt, are viable options as well, especially in combination with Primeape's main STAB move Close Combat (that move does lower its defenses though, so watch out). And with coverage moves such as Earthquake, Stone Edge, Poison Jab, U-Turn (to quickly get out of unfavorable situations), the elemental punches, Gunk Shot, Acrobatics, Seed Bomb and even Iron Tail and Outrage you just can't go wrong; just pick whatever moves you think you might need. An Encore set, which Primeape can use to lock the opponent in the move it last uses, isn't unheard of, either.

I really can't get enough of this beautiful kind of (modified) official art. 

The only thing about Primeape is that, apart from its flavor as a short-tempered and violent monkey, it doesn't really stand out in comparison with other fighting types. Stronger, bulkier fighting-type Pokémon like Machamp, Hariyama and Conkeldurr are often used in favor of Primeape, even though the former three are much slower. Its design, although it will always be a crossbreed between a pig and a monkey, isn't all that interesting compared to other Pokémon (not just fighting types), either. I don't hate it though, and using it in a playthrough would be interesting... I think. Either way, I don't hate Primeape and it doesn't deserve a bad rating. It'll be far from a perfect rating, but I would think 3.5 stars is good enough!

Rating: 3.5/5