#443 - #445: Gible, Gabite & Garchomp

Let's put out a few reviews before Pokémon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon drop, shall we?

Stubby little Gible in TCG.

For the basic form of a pseudo-legendary Pokémon, Gible is available fairly early on in Diamond, Pearl and Platinum, found in the secret section of Wayward Cave after obtaining Strength as well as the Mine Badge. In comparison, Dratini was hard to obtain because it is found in the fucking Safari Zone or in the Rocket Game Corner for a shitload of coins, Larvitar couldn't be encountered until after you had finished the entire Kanto post-game in Gold and Silver, Bagon couldn't be caught in Meteor Falls until after you had gotten Waterfall and the Rain Badge from the eighth and last Gym Leader, and Steven left a Poké Ball with a Beldum for you to snatch at his house only after beating him in the Pokémon League. In addition, Deino (Black and White) and Jangmo-o (Sun and Moon) are found in Victory Road and Vast Poni Canyon, respectively, which is nearly at the end of the main story. Only Goomy is found before the sixth Gym in Pokémon X and Y, but Goodra might well be my least favorite pseudo-legend in existence, so I'm not overly excited about that fact. It's a good Pokémon, but still...

Regular Gabite (left) with its shiny form (right).

Gible is a little shark-like dragon-type Pokémon, with the secondary ground typing and a pair of horns comparable to jet engines to boot. Basically it's just a shark - more specifically a hammerhead shark - adapted to deserts, which is... well, we've seen weirder things from Game Freak, so I'll buy it. Moreover, its design kind of makes sense, as Gible and its evolutions may be a reference to the book After Man: A Zoology of the Future, the first of Dougal Dixon's speculative evolution series, in which one species is mentioned as a type of land shark that lives in desert regions. Additionally, there's also a land shark creature called a bulette (pronounced 'byoo-lay') to be found in the tabletop RPG Dungeons & Dragons. Desert sharks, huh? Pretty clever, to incorporate this idea into the Pokémon franchise. However, when it comes to its flavor text, Gible is nothing special: it likes to dig holes for homes in caverns, play-fight with others of its species, huddle close with others of its species if it gets too cold, bite enemies with its strong jaws or pounce on them forcefully while hurting itself because of its clumsiness, etc. The only interesting thing to say about Gible is that it once lived in the tropics and now lives in caves warmed by geothermal heat to avoid the cold. I really can't see Gible and its evolutions surviving in the tropics, because I imagine the humid environment would have made them very uncomfortable due to their ground typing. Or maybe they were once aquatic sharks - not 'land sharks', as the Pokédex insists - and had to adapt because they were forced to find another habitat? That makes more sense; I guess they're the original Alola Formes, ha ha ha.

I'll let myself out in a minute.

Awesome realistic fan art of Garchomp! When it folds up its body and extends its
fins/wings, it looks exactly like a jet plane and is able to fly at the speed of sound,
creating blades of wings that can fell trees and swallowing whole flocks of birds
while it's at it. In my opinion, the artist perfectly put the emphasis on this aspect of
Garchomp!

For now, allow me to continue and let me move on to Gible's evolution Gabite, whose scales apparently have medicinal properties and can heal most illnesses. What's more, the Gabite Scale is an actual item in the Gen. IV Mystery Dungeon games Explorers of Time, Explorers of Darkness and Explorers of Sky and these scales are stated to be a cure-all for all afflictions in a Mystery Dungeon anime special, however incurable these ilnesses may seem. Also, Gabite loves sparkly things and habitually digs up and hoards gems, resulting in its nest constantly being targeted by thieves. Gabite is so obsessed with its loot, in fact, that it can have its gaze fixed on the jewels it has amassed - or Carbink it has caught - for hours on end. It's an unhealthy obsession and I think Gabite should see a Pokémon psychiatrist. Just sayin'.

Also, want more proof that Gible, Gabite and Garchomp are based on sharks? Gabite's French name Carmache is derived from two possible shark genera, namely carcharias and carcharodon.

Garchomp in the Pokémon Adventures manga series (left) and Pokkén Tournament (right). 

However, Gible and Gabite are nothing compared to the almighty Garchomp. Seriously, anyone who has ever faced Cynthia's Garchomp must have lost at least one team member to it. The first time I played Pokémon Diamond I let my Empoleon stay in, thinking it could either outspeed or live any attack from Garchomp and strike back with an Ice Beam. I have never been more wrong in my life. That Garchomp is one of the reasons why Cynthia is considered one of the hardest Champions to take down, along with the fact that her team is just crazy diverse - in her Pokémon's typings as well as their movesets.

Mega Garchomp whipping up a sandstorm. In its Mega form,
Garchomp is known to become mad with rage, and in its anger
it slices the ground to pieces with its scythe-like blades, created
by the claws and fins melting and morphing together due to the
excessive energy released when it Mega-evolves. 

However, Garchomp isn't just the cherry on top; it's the entire fucking cake. Being a pseudo-legendary, it has good base values in all of its stats, most notably its attack and speed. That's why a Swords Dance set (for some reason, Game Freak did not give it access to Dragon Dance; I guess they were scared that would be too broken) supported by a Jolly nature is the most common set run on Garchomp: raise its attack by two stages and fire away with Dragon Claw, Earthquake and Fire Fang. While Dragon Claw is more accessible than Outrage, you could still go all out with the latter and switch out Garchomp once it gets confused. Also, Fire Fang isn't mandatory, as it also has access to some neat coverage moves such as Iron Head, Stone Edge, Rock Slide, Poison Jab, Brick Break and Aqua Tail. And while Garchomp's special attack is still only 80, Fire Blast is often used instead of Fire Fang because it is more effective against physical walls like Skarmory or Pokémon that like to rely on chip damage such as Ferrothorn, just to name a few - although it has to be said that Garchomp also likes to rely on chip damage with its ability Rough Skin. To finish the set, there is a plethora of items you could give Garchomp: Life Orb gives some extra oomph to its attacking moves, Dragonium Z or Groundium Z let it perform a powerful Z-Move that will probably blow the opposing Pokémon out of the water, the Garchompite lets it Mega-evolve, and the Choice Band and Choice Scarf are excellent items that work well on movesets that only consist of attacking moves. Leftovers is an option, but only if you have a slightly defensive Garchomp rocking Stealth Rock - which, by the way, is not an uncommon option, either.

Gible trying to... eat my precious little Shuckle? GIBLE, SHAME ON YOU!!!
Fortunately, Shuckle is showing the crowd (and Gible) who's da shit.

Garchomp is terrifying and I wouldn't like to meet it in real life. It's a cool Pokémon and aside from the weird-looking square jaw on Mega Garchomp I won't criticize it; it's just not one of my favorite Pokémon. And there are still a lot of 5-star ratings coming up in the next couple of years. I'm not a fan of pseudo-legends in the first place - especially not Dragonite when compared to its pre-evolution Dragonair - and Garchomp is not an exception. However, the only thing that really bugs me about it is its flavor text: Garchomp's Pokédex entries mention that Garchomp can fly at Mach speed (hence its classification as the 'Mach Pokémon'), yet it cannot learn Fly. Great consistency there, Game Freak. Sublime.

Rating: 4.5/5

#442: Spiritomb

Every year more Dutch people celebrate Halloween, which is the influence of American culture on our down-to-earth society. I personally hate Halloween, mainly because it reminds me of a certain Dutch event that is celebrated in the southern part of my country five days in a fucking row. Honestly, I think both carnaval and Halloween are dumb and should be done away with (at least in the Netherlands), but I admit today's Pokémon fits the Halloween theme perfectly. Plus, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's writing, so I guess the least I could give you today is a goddamn review of one of the creepiest-looking Pokémon in existence. It's better than leaving my apartment and socializing, right?

There's a lot of creepy fan art of Spiritomb to be found on Google
Images, but this is by far the creepiest!

Spiritomb is formed by the collection of 108 spirits trapped in an Odd Keystone 500 years ago as a punishment for their misdeeds. This is not the only affiliation of Spiritomb to the number 108; it also weighs exactly 108 kilograms (which is roughly 238 pounds), its number in the Sinnoh Pokédex is 108, both its defense and special defense base values are 108, and in ORAS it is found at Sea Mauville - which lies wrecked on Route 108. This has everything to do with a Buddhist tradition performed on New Year's Eve in Japan, when a bell is rung 108 times to chase away the 108 temptations one must overcome in order to achieve Nirvana. Another inspiration for Spiritomb may be one of the Four Great Classical Novels in Chinese literature, Water Margin, which is also very well-known in Japan and tells the story of a group of 108 outlaws forming a sizable army before they are eventually granted amnesty by the government and sent on campaigns to resist foreign invaders and suppress rebel forces. In the first chapter of the novel, an army lieutenant orders the removal of a stone monument that had been guarded by monks for many generations, and by doing so he releases the spirits of 108 demons sealed therein. Having atoned for their sins, the souls become the 108 Stars of Destiny and are reincarnated centuries later as the outlaws mentioned earlier.

TCG art of Spiritomb.

Finally, Spiritomb isn't just based on myths and stories; the fact that it is bound to a fissure in the Odd Keystone due to a mysterious spell makes it likely it is based on a jibakurei, a spirit bound to a single place. It's an interesting concept, and I am surprised Game Freak actually managed to make this Pokémon so comprehensive. The little details, like everything that has to do with the number 108 and only one eye having a swirl in its official art, really make Spiritomb complete as a Pokémon to some extent. It isn't just there; a lot of thought was put in this thing, even in later generations, and I can only praise Nintendo and Game Freak for that. They even made Spiritomb somewhat difficult to obtain in Diamond and Pearl: you have to place the Odd Keystone you received from an NPC on Route 208 in the Hallowed Tower on Route 209, enter the Underground to talk to other people a total of 32 times (that's the only flaw I can find here, honestly; Game Freak could have made that a total of 36, as a reference to the 36 Heavenly Spirits among the 108 Stars of Destiny - the other 72 being the Earthly Fiends) and then interact with the Hallowed Tower - which is basically just a heap of stones - in order to encounter Spiritomb at level 25. You'd almost think you weren't supposed to get Spiritomb that easily in the first place, and sure enough, its Pokédex classification is the 'Forbidden Pokémon'. Neat.

Pretty quirky fan art of shiny Spiritomb.

But is Spiritomb worth the hassle battle-wise? The answer is yes, as its base 108 defense and special defense stats make it a bulky Pokémon mainly used for... mixed movesets! Yeah, while its base 50 HP doesn't really back up its excellent defenses, said defenses are good enough that Spiritomb can take a few hits before it goes down, so it's best to look at offensive moves alongside support moves. It can be used as a physical attacker, rocking moves like Sucker Punch, Pursuit and Shadow Sneak, but its options are limited in that regard. Foul Play, a move that uses the opposing Pokémon's attack stat rather than Spiritomb's, is an option as well, but it's tricky to use: you could end up attacking the wrong Pokémon if the opponent decides to switch out. A Nasty Plot set with Dark Pulse, Shadow Ball and Psychic is generally better, although I think Calm Mind will be more useful than Nasty Plot because it also raises Spiritomb's special defense instead of only its special attack. Just keep in mind that those moves are its only special-attacking options. Therefore, a combination of offensive, support and set-up moves isn't unheard of: Will-O-Wisp, Pain Split and Taunt are often used next to moves like Shadow Sneak, Pursuit and Foul Play, while Rest and Sleep Talk complement Calm Mind and Dark Pulse very well. Additionally, Infestation is a move that prevents the opponent from switching as long as Spiritomb is in play, if that's your style. Secretly, Spiritomb is very versatile without actually being overly versatile, if you know what I mean. The moves mentioned above definitely indicate that it is supposed to be a sneaky Pokémon capable of pulling off a couple of suprise attacks.

To let it hit as hard as possible, you could give Spiritomb an Adamant or Modest nature, depending on whether you want to go physical or special. However, a defensive nature (Bold or Calm if Spiritomb has special moves, Impish or Careful if it has physical moves, and Relaxed or Sassy if you decide to use a mix) is generally a better idea, as are the Leftovers, just to ensure its longevity on the battlefield. It's entirely up to you, but I do recommend the latter. At least give it its hidden ability Infiltrator, which ignores the effect of Reflect, Light Screen, Mist, Safeguard and Aurora Veil and allows it to bypass Substitute.

Hey Spiritomb, leave my darling Pikachu alone!

I think I said everything I wanted to say about Spiritomb. While I think its design, concept and origins are fascinating, it is not one of my absolute favorite Pokémon... yet. I've honestly never used it, and the only time I caught this thing was on Sea Mauville in Alpha Sapphire - I didn't even take the trouble to go back to that place in Omega Ruby and catch it on that game. I'll give it 4.5 stars for now, but who knows what'll happen when I actually get to know this thing a bit better...

P.S.: Happy Halloween to whoever might be interested in getting Halloween wishes from someone who hates the fucking holiday.

Rating: 4.5/5

#427 - #428: Buneary & Lopunny

Now these are some inappropriate bunnies...

Before I dive into some serious Hugh Hefner type of shit, let me get Buneary out of the way. This adorable little bunny is nothing but an adorable little bunny being an adorable little bunny. The only interesting thing about it is that it is capable of delivering powerful blows that can shatter boulders with its rolled-up ears, which I'm sure Diggersby can do much better than Buneary. There's literally nothing else to say about this thing other than its sleeping, eating and survival habits - again, it perks up its ears when it senses danger. I never knew Buneary's name made so much sense, but it's a true eye-opener (!).

Buneary in the anime, striking a pose I don't particularly perceive as 'cute'...

Seriously though, it is Lopunny where things get interesting, with it seemingly being a caricature of a Playboy Bunny - a waitress at a Playboy Club wearing a costume inspired by and matching the official logo and mascot of the monthly men's lifestyle magazine Playboy, consisting of a strapless corset teddy, satin bunny ears, black pantyhose, cuffs, a bow tie, a collar and a fluffy cottontail. We all know that Hugh Hefner, who passed away last month, intended for them to look sexy, sensual and promiscuous, even though they aren't allowed to touch the patrons of a Playboy Club and vice versa. However, the association of Playboy Bunnies with Playboy, notorious for its vast array of nude photos every month, is undeniable. So here we have Lopunny, a Pokémon based on the logo/mascot of a flagship American lifestyle magazine (special nation-specific versions are published worldwide), which contains adult content on a monthly basis and played an important part in the sexual revolution occurring from the 1960s to the 1980s.

Official art of Lopunny, drawn by none other than Ken Sugimori.
I tried looking for normal fan art of this thing, but that was hard
because it being based on a Playboy Bunny obviously begs for
Rule 34 to be applied. 

The worst part of this is that Buneary evolves into Lopunny when leveled up with high friendship, something that doesn't seem quite as equivocal in, say, Riolu and Lucario's case. The fact that we're talking about what's essentially a children's game makes the ambiguity that much more cringeworthy. Sure, the costume is still popular in Japan, where it has lost much of its association with Playboy and is commonly featured in manga and anime - which could explain Lopunny's coquettish cry and girlish figure - but to Americans and people from many other Western countries, the 'bunny suit' will forever be quintessential of the sexual image Playboy perpetuates. Of course, Lopunny is not based on a mere costume. This Pokémon is based on actual bunnies called lop-eared rabbits, domestic breeds with ears that flop over rather than stand erect. The inspiration for Lopunny's design comes specifically from the ears of the Holland Lop, but other than that the similarities are few and far between. I have a problem with the term 'Holland Lop', however, so allow me to use this transition as an opportunity to tell you that I absolutely hate it when people use the word 'Holland' in such a colloquial manner in so many languages (including my own), with people exclaiming that they've been to Holland when they refer to the country as a whole. Interestingly, my country isn't called Holland; it's called the Netherlands, and Holland consists of only two of twelve Dutch provinces, being North Holland and South Holland.

Well, the more you know...

Stat-wise, Lopunny isn't anything special, having mediocre or only decent stats across the board aside from its speed. Because it has Klutz, an ability that prevents the effects of held items from applying, people teach it Switcheroo so that it can transfer a harmful held item like a Sticky Barb or Flame Orb to the foe in exchange for the foe's own held item. Other than that, it is better to just let Lopunny hold a Lopunnite and Mega-evolve it. Trust me, it's for the best, because its base 76 attack stat becomes a hefty base 136 now, while its already good speed stat also gets a boost and ends up at a base 135. In short, Mega Lopunny is a hit-and-run Pokémon that's supposed to hit hard and fast, and that shouldn't be a problem with a nature such as a Jolly one and moves such as Return and High Jump Kick. Those two moves are the staples of its moveset, with High Jump Kick even providing STAB because Mega Lopunny is a normal/fighting type (regular Lopunny is just a normal type), while Fake Out is an excellent opener and Ice Punch is a great type coverage move. It learns Drain Punch and Power-Up Punch in case you prefer the respective healing and attack-boosting aspects of those moves over the chance of crash damage from High Jump Kick, while other coverage moves such as Iron Tail, Thunder Punch and Fire Punch could come in handy depending on which Pokémon you're facing. Don't bother with special moves, because Lopunny's base special attack is a terrible 54 even as its Mega form.

D'awww, bunny love!

While I think a fighting Playboy Bunny is kind of amusing and Mega Lopunny's design - which may have been inspired by 1980s-styled aerobics outfits - is pretty dope, I can't help but to think this Pokémon shouldn't have existed in the first place. If Pokémon had been an American franchise, I wouldn't have been writing about this thing right now; and let's face it, a creature based on mature content in a children's franchise is kind of stretching it a little bit. Of course, most kids are oblivious to all of this bullshit, so in the end it doesn't even matter, but there are a lot of adults who have been playing Pokémon since they were kids and have come to know Lopunny's origins the hard way. It's not as if you can say there aren't any adults who are amused by it, but you have to admit that a lot of people think Hugh Hefner was a misogynist asshole objectifying women by means of his Playboy magazine, Playboy Clubs, Playboy Bunnies, Playboy jet (dubbed "Big Bunny"), Playboy Mansion and lavish Playboy parties and what have you, so a Pokémon based on all of that won't sit well with those people.

And all of the children who easily have access to Bulbapedia now, you ask? Well, what can I say? The Internet is a bitch.

Also, Lopunny's flavor text is absolutely bland: it's a cautious Pokémon and it starts kicking if its delicate ears are touched roughly, which is about all there is to say about it. I wanted to include this bit a little earlier on in this review, but there was a lot to talk about and I couldn't find a proper way to fit it in, so I'm mentioning it now. To conclude, I'm giving this Pokémon 4.5 stars, but only because I think its Mega is lit.

Rating: 4.5/5

#417: Pachirisu

I shall never underestimate Pachirisu in my life ever again, that's for sure.

Adorable little Pachi running around in an open field.

While Plusle and Minun served the purpose of showing the synergy between certain Pokémon in Double Battles, Pachirisu seems to represent Gen. IV's connectivity to the Internet: its color pattern matches that of the official Nintendo Wi-Fi logo, its face marking and the spikes on its tail both bear resemblances to a W, and it appeared on the Wi-Fi connection screen on Diamond, Pearl and Platinum. Characteristically, Pachirisu is nothing more than an electric-type squirrel doing squirrel things... with a creative twist. Pachirisu sheds its fur, which it shapes into statically charged furballs. It hides its favorite foods -mostly berries - in these furballs, after which it proceeds to store them in tree holes. If a human or another Pokémon tries to take the food, they will get shocked from the static, so it does so to protect the food. Pachi is more than just a bunch of fluff making furballs crackling with electricity, though; it also rubs its cheek pouches against those of others of its kind in order to exchange stored electricity, it grooms its fluffy tail with the utmost precision, and it uses its impeccably spotless tail as a pillow by curling it around the front of its body.

D'awww, isn't it cute? 

There's nothing overly exciting about Pachirisu, other than the fact that the audience went wild when Sejun Park (officially Park Se-jun; in South Korea - as well as in quite a few other Asian countries - the family name comes before the given name) won the 2014 Pokémon World Championships with none other than Pachirisu on his team. He even took a small Pachi plushie onto the stage with him as a lucky charm. That is not to say you can freely create a competitive set for Pachirisu and expect it to work as amazingly as it did for Park, as the Pokémon World Championships are played in a Doubles format and that is exactly the format in which Pachi has a chance to excel. I usually talk about Singles when I mention competitive sets in my reviews, but I guess talking about Doubles is unavoidable in this case. Pachi's job is to lead incoming attacks away from its ally and draw them to itself with Follow Me, even healing some HP with a Sitrus Berry in a pinch, only for the more powerful ally to hit the two opposing Pokémon hard and fast without getting hurt. Surprisingly enough, Pachirisu possesses some substantial bulk to pull that off, but only when it has a defense-boosting nature and most EVs are invested in HP and defense. Rounding out its moveset are Protect for stalling, Super Fang to take away half of the opposing Pokémon's remaining HP, and Nuzzle to paralyze the foe. The latter even deals some damage, potentially breaking a Focus Sash or Sturdy, which is why this move is only available to Pikachu clones. In a one-on-one format, however, Pachirisu is considerably less usable. Its bulk works perfectly in Doubles, when attacks that hit multiple opponents are significantly weaker, but in Singles it still can't take a full-power STAB Earthquake from a Garchomp to the face.

Pika and Pachi rubbing their cheeks together. Look at these bundles of sheer
adorableness! 

I'm impressed Sejun Park actually managed to win the Pokémon World Championships due in large part to Pachirisu, catching opponents off guard and this way gaining momentum because they were unprepared, but there's just no way in hell that this Pokémon can be used effectively in-game or even in the Singles metagame - in-game because its base 45 offensive stats render it too weak, and in Singles because its bulk and utility moves fall too short in order for them to be effective. Pachirisu has the lowest base stat total of any Pokémon that was part of a winning team at the Pokémon World Championships, and that shows when using it in any way other than Doubles. It's still cute in its own right, though.

Rating: 4.5/5

#396 - #398: Starly, Staravia & Staraptor

Staraptor carrying Eevee on its back.

Starly is the 'early bird' of Gen. IV and nobody expected this thing to evolve into an actually usuable monstrous entity. Pidgeot, Noctowl and Swellow all proved to be pretty underwhelming in the past, so when people found out Staraptor has an amazing base 120 attack stat, great base 100 speed and access to the strongest fighting-type move introduced that very generation (Close Combat), they were ecstatic. Staraptor's defenses aren't worth shit, but one thing had to be given up for the other, and with Close Combat being one of Staraptor's staple moves it may just as well have been its defenses, anyway. This does make Staraptor more of a hit-the-foe-and-get-outta-here kind of Pokémon, with Brave Bird and Double-Edge also being moves that may leave opponents crying in a corner. I normally wouldn't recommend two moves that cause recoil damage on the same moveset, but Staraptor's hidden ability Reckless increases the base power of exactly that kind of moves by 20% and both Brave Bird and Double-Edge provide Staraptor STAB due to its normal/flying type. As Brave Bird, Double-Edge and Close Combat all have a base power of 120 to begin with, this 'early bird' is a real powerhouse. Staraptor doesn't learn any other worthwhile physical moves with comparable power, so I'd further recommend U-Turn, a move that deals moderate physical damage but allows the user to switch out immediately. If Staraptor is faster than the opposing Pokémon, you can make another Pokémon on your team take the incoming blow. Finish your entire set off with an Adamant nature combined with a Choice Scarf or a Jolly nature in conjunction with a Choice Band (if I were you, I'd steer away from the Life Orb this time; that thing is way too dangerous with Double-Edge and Brave Bird around) and your Staraptor will be a force to be reckoned with.

Some great 3D fan art of Staraptor.

Also, many Smogon movesets for Staraptor include Final Gambit, a move that makes the user faint but deals damage to the target equal to how much HP the user lost. It's a nice tactic on a bulky Pokémon with a lot of HP to 'share', by lack of a better word, but it's beyond me why someone would include this on a moveset that also contains two moves that cause recoil damage. Brave Bird and Double-Edge wear Staraptor down quickly, leaving it with less and less HP as it goes, and you requiring to use Final Gambit immediately won't occur all that often, either. Unless you ditch U-Turn in favor of Roost, Final Gambit doesn't work as well on Staraptor as it should be, but even then this Pokémon really doesn't have the defenses to heal up and take a hit afterwards. In my opinion, it's better just to go with Close Combat. But hey, I'm just a casual player, so what do I know?

Staravia is really not all that intimidating, and Rare Candy
Treatment completely agrees with me, apparently.

I think I'd better talk about this evolutionary line's flavor texts. Staraptor may be exceptionally strong and definitely borrows some traits from birds of prey - or raptors - such as hawks and falcons, but its pre-evolutions Starly and Staravia are primarily based on the fairly common and uninteresting white-cheeked starling, also called the gray starling. With their dark gray-brown plumage and white patches, the resemblance to the gray starling is too obvious (although Staravia bears some aesthetic resemblances to the northern lapwing as well), so it's a good thing Game Freak have managed to make Staraptor more like an intimidating raptor of some sort. Speaking of which, Staravia and Staraptor both get Intimidate for their regular ability - Starly's is Keen Eye - but I really don't understand what's so intimidating about Staravia. Aside from its not-so-menacing appearance, this Pokémon is well aware of its own weakness and cries noisily when left on its own. The flocks it forms of its own kind are territorial, and squabbles over territory occur when flocks collide, but being territorial doesn't automatically mean you're intimidating. And Starly? Starly is even weaker on its own, relying on strident cries and annoying tunes and forming large flocks in which individuals will begin to bicker if the group becomes too large.

They can't even hold their own in a flock, goddamn.

Starly (left, holding an Enigma Berry), Staravia (middle) and Staraptor (right,
whipping up some kind of storm with its wings).

A good thing it evolves into Staraptor, then... Although, even Starly's final evolution is not without its flaws, as it is extremely fussy about the shape of its comb, which it uses to appear larger and frighten enemies. Then again, Staraptor has a ferocious nature and an aggressive temperament that contribute to it courageously challenging even opponents that are far bigger than itself, no matter how ill, injured or scarred it is.

This bird just keeps going as if its life depends on it, goddamn. 

Honestly, though, it was about time we had a kick-ass bird. Noctowl and Swellow didn't quite hit the mark, and Pidgeot only gets 5 stars from me because of its beautiful Mega, which it got roughly eight months before I reviewed it. Staraptor isn't one of my all-time favorite Pokémon, but it definitely exceeds Noctowl, Swellow and Unfezant in competitive and in-game utility and sheer awesomeness.

Rating: 4.5/5

#385: Jirachi

I don't know what the background is supposed to be exactly, but
Jirachi sure seems happy about it. 

With all the violence coming from Kyogre, Groudon and Rayquaza, it's a relief to be reviewing something that's supposed to be so soothing, so serene. Jirachi doesn't have an ounce of evil in its entire body, and it is even said to grant three wishes to one single person if they write them on the notes attached to its head. That is to say, it does so after it awakens after a long period of hibernation. You see, this Pokémon hibernates enveloped in a tough crystalline shell for extensive periods of time and awakens only seven days every thousand years or if it's sung to by a voice of purity, absorbing the energy it needs to hibernate through the third eye on its chest during the short period it is awake. It can't materialize an object that is desired from a wish out of nowhere, though; rather, it teleports the desired object to the person who made the wish. Quite obviously, Jirachi is based on the concept of "wishing upon a star" - though these so-called stars that are being wished upon are usually not actual stars but a phenomenon called shooting stars, the visible path of meteoroids as they enters Earth's atmosphere, becoming meteors - which is why its body is star-shaped and why its name can basically be translated to 'wish wish', coming from the Russian zhelat' (желать) and the Japanese sachi. In addition to that, the tags on Jirachi's head are a reference to the paper strips called tanzaku that are written on the festival of Tanabata, also known as the Star Festival. It is derived from the Chinese Qixi Festival and celebrates the meeting of the deities and lovers Orihime and Hikoboshi - represented by the stars Altair and Vega - who are separated by the Milky Way and are allowed to meet only once a year on the seventh day of the seventh lunar month of the lunisolar calendar.

I have to say this is an interesting rendition of Van Gogh's De sterrennacht.

In fact, Jirachi is often distributed in Japan in celebration of Tanabata, being given away every year from 2004 to 2009 and again from 2013 to 2016. From 2013 on, Tanabata Jirachi have even been known to know moves that Jirachi could normally not learn: the 2013 one has Draco Meteor - a Tutor move exclusive to dragon-type Pokémon - and Meteor Mash, the 2014 one is shiny and knows Moonblast, the 2015 one knows Heart Stamp and Play Rough, and the 2016 one has Meteor Mash in addition to the moves it can already learn.

Sweet little cutie is sleepy. 

And those moves are honestly being used, too. Being a so-called 'pixie' Pokémon, Jirachi has base stats of 100 across the board, making it suitable for nearly everything, including an offensive approach on both sides of the spectrum. On top of that, Serene Grace is an ability that will double the chance of a move having an additional effect, which means a move like Heart Stamp will now have a 60% flinch rate instead of 30%, and so forth. That also means people abuse the hell out of certain moves, including Iron Head and the before-mentioned Heart Stamp, just because there's a high chance the opponent won't be able to move that turn. Easy knock-outs for the win. It's not hard to fill up the other two spots of a physical moveset, either: Jirachi has access to Play Rough, Zen Headbutt, U-Turn, Drain Punch and the elemental punches. Meteor Mash is an option, but only if you are willing to let go of Heart Stamp and Play Rough and go with Zen Headbutt and no fairy-type move at all. Alternatively, a specially offensive moveset isn't unthinkable. Charge Beam will now always cause Jirachi's special attack to go up by one stage due to Serene Grace, which makes it a dangerous potential sweeper. Its special movepool is wider and more diverse than its physical movepool as well, having access to nifty moves like Moonblast, Psychic, Flash Cannon, Psyshock, Thunderbolt, Shadow Ball, Energy Ball, Icy Wind, Hidden Power, Signal Beam and Dazzling Gleam. Obviously, the required nature for physical Jirachi is a Jolly or an Adamant nature, while special Jirachi prefer Timid or Modest; and on that note, physical Jirachi prefer a Choice Band and special Jirachi the Choice Specs, while both kinds could hold a Life Orb, a Choice Scarf, an Air Balloon, an Expert Belt or even something else.

Jirachi levitating under a starry sky, witnessing a meteor shower. 

Of course, an offensive approach is not the only option to go for: lots of people actually also use Jirachi defensively, with support move combos such as Substitute/Toxic, Toxic/Protect, Rest/Sleep Talk and Wish/Protect as well as other miscellaneous moves like Thunder Wave, Magic Coat, Stealth Rock and Healing Wish. Jirachi is just so fucking diverse. Physical attacker, special attacker, mixed attacker, defensive pivot, support Pokémon, offensive tank... you name it, and Jirachi can pull it off. Its steel/psychic typing definitely helps a bunch, as steel is one of the most defensive types out there, with resistances to 10 different types and even an immunity to poison. This is what makes Jirachi a better tank than, say, Mew or Celebi, because the latter gets bodied by bug-type moves and the former doesn't resist as much as Jirachi does. It goes without saying that it is far from clever to use an offensive nature on a defensive Jirachi, but I do recommend letting it hold the Leftovers to extend its time on the battlefield.

Jirachi even got its own movie with Pokémon - Jirachi: Wish Maker.

Jirachi is certainly an interesting Pokémon, and I don't think we had anything like it before design- and flavor-wise. It's strong, defensive, diverse and very cute and I honestly think this Pokémon appeals to a broad audience. It's not quite one of my favorite Pokémon yet (although it's a close call), but it is definitely one of the better Hoenn legendaries - I'm not going to call the other legendaries 'mythical', even though that would be the correct term to use in Jirachi's case - and biased me is just giving this thing half a star extra because of its steel typing.

Rating a Pokémon by using stars has never been so appropriate as now.

Rating: 4.5/5

#383: Groudon

Oh yeah, Groudon looks scary, alright. And all they had to do
 here was copy and paste Groudon's segmented red plates on a
picture of a tyrannosaurus rex from Jurassic Park. Genius.

Let's cut to the chase here: Groudon isn't as interesting as Kyogre by a long shot. It looks like it is barely able to move, but its apparent stiffness isn't accompanied by Kyogre's beauty and grace. This former gold-medal heavyweight (unfortunately for Groudon, Gen. VII Pokémon Celesteela and - of all things - Cosmoem are now the heaviest Pokémon in existence) is just a giant dinosaur monster controlling the land and the sun, which is exactly why it is sought after by Team Magma. Their leader Maxie's objective in Ruby is to expand the landmass in the world to create an ideal living place for both Pokémon and humans alike, although this was slightly altered in Omega Ruby, in which Team Magma wishes to put an end to the misguided ideal of coexistence and expand the land to give humanity more space on which to build and develop civilization. This puts them in direct opposition to Team Aqua, whose leader Archie wants to awaken Kyogre to increase the amount of water in the world to create a situation in which human beings and Pokémon live in perfect harmony with each other. Of course, Archie's ideals in Sapphire are largely the same as Maxie's in Ruby; the only thing that differs is their means of execution. In Alpha Sapphire Team Aqua's motivations have been significantly altered, with Archie now wanting to erase human civilization from the planet by expanding the oceans, so that Pokémon can live untainted by humanity's progress. In both occasions, the player character is there to save the day, so the NPCs in the Pokémon world really have absolutely nothing to worry about, ever.

I honestly intended to include this part in Kyogre's entry, but I wanted something to talk about in Groudon's as well, so here you go.

Primal Groudon is coming to get you.

Whereas Kyogre is based on the Hebrew legend of Leviathan, Groudon is based on its counterpart Behemoth. It is said that at the end of times the sea deity Leviathan and the land deity Behemoth would engage in a titanic battle that would kill them both. While Behemoth is often depicted as some kind of warthog- or hippopotamus-like creature, which - and let's be honest here - doesn't sound nearly as intimidating as a giant sea serpent, it is considered the unconquerable primal master of the land. This also manifests itself in-game in Groudon's former signature ability Drought and its Primal form's ability Desolate Land: Groudon has the power to scatter rain clouds and make water evaporate with light and heat, which is why it brought down droughts in ancient times in order to save people who had been suffering from terrible floods. It is said to have created the continents by causing volcanic eruptions, and much like Kyogre resting in a deep oceanic trench, Groudon slumbers in magma in the profound depths of the Earth, even though this seems strange because regular Groudon doesn't have the fire type at first. Additionally, fire-type moves deal normal damage to Groudon in-game, which contradicts everything it stands for.

Groudon as seen in Pokémon the Movie: Hoopa and the Clash of Ages, emerging
from glowing magma. 

Groudon does get the fire typing on top of its primary ground typing upon Primal Reversion. Usually, this type combination would make Primal Groudon four times weak to water, but its ability Desolate Land summons a sun so scorching hot that all water-type moves evaporate before they have a chance to get into contact with it. Reversely, Primal Kyogre's ability Primordial Sea douses any fire-type moves before they'll be able to as much as touch it, which... isn't actually all that helpful, because Primal Kyogre is a pure water type and resists fire in the first place. Way to go, Game Freak. At least the effects of these abilities last for as long as Primal Groudon and Primal Kyogre are on the battlefield. Frankly, Primal Groudon looks like it's much more true to its original purpose than Primal Kyogre is, with the magma flowing through its entire body and all. This magma burns with such an extreme temperature that its body is always shimmering with the haze of its heat, which is to be expected from a creature slumbering so close to the Earth's core, which is proved to be the hottest fucking place on Earth. Now, that's more like it, Game Freak.

A robotic Groudon built by a maniac in Pokémon - Jirachi: Wish Maker.

Like I did in Kyogre's entry, I won't delve into Groudon's competitive utility too much; it is in Smogon's Uber tier for a reason, and with Swords Dance and a couple of strong offensive moves it can absolutely fucking destroy anything in its path. Even Primal Kyogre doesn't stand much of a chance, unless it is switched in at a later point of the match than Primal Groudon, in which case its Primordial Sea ability activates and the effects of Desolate Land fade away, although the exact oppositie happens when Primal Groudon is switched in last.

(Disclaimer: I meant to say that the effects of Desolate Land overturn the effects of Primordial Sea when Primal Groudon is switched in later than Primal Kyogre, not that absolutely nothing would happen when it enters the battlefield.)

While regular Groudon doesn't pique my interest all that much, its Primal form is a lot more fascinating. Not only does it differ much more than its regular form than Primal Kyogre does, it actually gains something of an advantage over its counterpart as well, something that wasn't the case for at least twelve years. Kyogre is still my favorite Hoenn legendary alongside Rayquaza, so it's useless to say that I'm not entirely happy with that. Still, I think Groudon is worthy of being granted a 4.5-star rating nowadays, something I wouldn't have done a couple of years ago.

Rating: 4.5/5

#378: Regice

Regice's icy body looks very much crystalline in this stunning
piece of fan art. 

Whereas Regirock's typing makes it more plausible it's actually based on the golems of Jewish folklore, Regice and Registeel are most likely just loosely based on these mythical creatures, being made of ice and steel rather than stone - or ceramic, for that matter. Regirock might be the most aesthetically pleasing of the three legendary titans, but I have to admit Regice is a lot more interesting flavor-wise. Its deep-frozen body, made entirely of Antarctic ice during an ice age, is cloaked in air of -328°F and everything and everyone that comes near it will be frozen solid instantly. Fire won't melt Regice's body, and even if it's immersed in magma it will remain intact. Dude, how fucking awesome is that? This giant ice statue can take a bath in scorching magma if it desires so and will come out unscathed no matter what. That is scientifically impossible, as ice starts to melt at a temperature of 32°F. Which, by the way, is kind of a weird thing for me to say, because I live in the Netherlands and we use the Celsius scale instead of the Fahrenheit scale (as well as the metric system rather than the imperial system), so I've learned that the freezing point of water is exactly 0°C and the boiling point 100°C - and not 212°F, as the Americans so stubbornly hang on to. It's so easy to learn English and tell apart the spelling differences between the British and American variants, but the measurement systems used in English-speaking countries are an absolute mess and I just cannot learn them by heart, no matter how hard I try. Google to the rescue, I guess...

Official Sugimori art of Regice. 

But I ain't here to rant about no goddamn illogical measurement systems. This entry is about Regice, and basically it's just a specially oriented ice-type variant of Regirock. Whereas the latter has great attack and crazy defense, Regice is blessed with a great special attack stat and an insanely high special defense stat. Its special movepool might not be as impressive as Regirock's physical movepool, but there's definitely something we can work with. First off, Regice isn't very fast, so it's an option to set up with Rock Polish first and bombard the opposing Pokémon with moves like Ice Beam, Thunderbolt, Focus Blast, Flash Cannon, Ancient Power and Signal Beam. Of course, such a set is supported by a Modest nature and a Life Orb, although the Choice Specs are viable as well if you drop Rock Polish for an attacking move. It could also be used as an offensive tank, sporting the Leftovers and the move Thunder Wave in order to paralyze - and thus slow down - foes, only to take advantage of that later on by shooting off its offensive moves in rapid succession. Okay, I'm overreacting a little bit, but at least it's an option. However, ice isn't a great defensive typing at all, resisting only itself, and Regice's glaring weaknesses to types like fighting, fire, rock and steel (the latter isn't as prevalent in competitive play as I'd like it to be) will only wear it down quicker, especially since three of the four tend to be physical-based rather than special-based. Finally, Clear Body prevents any stat reductions on Regice and is definitely the preferred ability, as Ice Body only heals its HP in hail, which will almost never occur in a competitive match. Unless one of the Pokémon has Snow Warning, that is...

The Regis all lined up. From left to right: Regice, Registeel and Regirock.

While I think Regice is definitely interesting, its design is a bit too blocky to my taste. Especially the conical feet/legs are off-putting; they seem tremendously impractical and I'm 100% positive that those disc-shaped things attached to the underside of Regice's body prevent it from walking in an ordinary fashion. Then again, a Pokémon of Regice's caliber would probably just float; if it's cool enough to bathe in magma without melting, I'm sure floating wouldn't be that big of a problem. In any case, Regice isn't as competitively useful as Regirock and I am of the opinion that its design could have been a little bit better as well. Therefore, I won't grant it a perfect rating; instead, it'll have to do with 'just' 4.5 stars.

Rating: 4.5/5

#369: Relicanth

As Relicanth comes right after Huntail and Gorebyss in the National Pokédex, it's probably not a coincidence it has the same base stat total as the Pokémon who precede it, right? It's even found in the same underwater areas as Clamperl, although it has to be said that it's much rarer to be found.

Official art of Relicanth by Ken Sugimori. I have absolutely no
idea what the red spot on its body is doing there. 

Relicanth, however, focuses less on offense and more on defense, sporting great HP and defense and close-to-horrid special defense. This comes at the cost of its special attack, which is terrible and shouldn't be used, but at least its base 90 attack is something we can work with. Its speed is low - although it is surprisingly faster than Huntail and Gorebyss - but it has access to Rock Polish and thus has a way to work around that. Once it manages to set once up, Relicanth is fast enough to fuck opponents up with Head Smash, a STAB rock-type move with 150 power that normally deals recoil damage, which is now prevented by its ability Rock Head. As for the rest of its moveset, Waterfall is a must as it gains STAB from it, while the other slot could be filled by either Zen Headbutt or Earthquake, depending on what you need. Whereas a physical moveset like this should be supported by a Life Orb or Stone Plate (either is fine, although a Life Orb will wear it down more easily) and a Jolly or Adamant nature, Relicanth can also be used as a defensive pivot. Give it an Impish nature, let it hold the Leftovers and invest in HP and defense, and you'll have a reliable Stealth Rock user with the classic Toxic/Protect combo as well. Waterfall or Scald can be used over Protect, and in case of the latter you'll have to change its nature into a Relaxed one so that its special attack isn't hindered. Relicanth does still need an attacking move despite its defensive use, and that honor usually goes to Head Smash in combination with Rock Head or Rock Slide in conjunction with Sturdy. This is mainly done to prevent recoil damage of any kind.

That's a nifty-ass papercraft Relicanth, i.m.o.

I had always wanted to use one on my team, and I was adamant to use one in my very first Alpha Sapphire playthrough, which I did. It's an interesting Pokémon after all, being heavily based on the coelacanth, which is in fact pronounced 'see-luh-kanth'. The coelacanth is a fish that was thought to have gone extinct at the end of the Cretacious period nearly 66 million years ago, until a single specimen was found off the east coast of South Africa in 1938. Since then, extensive research has been done and another extant coelacanth species was discovered years later in 1999. The entire order of fish have been called living fossils ever since, although the coelacanth's continued survival may be threatened by commercial deep-sea trawling, in which it is caught as bycatch more often than preferable. Relicanth, on the other hand, was fortuitously rediscovered on a submarine expedition rather than during fishing, having remained unchanged in over 100 million years. Like with Huntail and Gorebyss, its Pokédex entries also mention it being able to withstand the enormous water pressure of the ocean depths, but this time it is more obvious by taking a look at Relicanth's design, flavor and typing: its body is filled with thick fat, its scales are like craggy rocks and its rock typing clearly makes it sturdier overall.

TCG art of Relicanth on a holographic card.

I really like Relicanth. It's an interesting idea to base a Pokémon off of a fish that was once thought to have gone exinct millions of years ago, even though its rocky head is reminiscent of a certain species of actually extinct fish called placodermi. The head and thorax of a placoderm were covered by armored plates and the rest of its body was scaled or naked depending on the species, just like Relicanth appears to be. Design-wise, Relicanth really is just a sylized coelacanth, and its flavor sure points that way, too. This Pokémon isn't one of my absolute favorites yet, but it could easily become one if I spend some more time with it. For now, though, I think I'm giving this thing 4.5 out of 5 stars.

Rating: 4.5/5

#353 - #354: Shuppet & Banette

In comparison to Gastly (left) and Duskull (middle), Shuppet is
kinda cute. 

Oh, you thought the Alola Pokédex was scary? Trust me, I'm sure Shuppet and Banette's Pokédex entries from Ruby and Sapphire will send shivers down your spine.

Granted, Shuppet isn't that terrifying. It's basically harmless, aside from the fact that it is attracted by and feeds on feelings of envy, vindictiveness, malice and sadness. According to its Ruby Pokédex entry, Shuppet will appear in a swarm and line up beneath the eaves of a vengeful person's home, which means they're basically the ghost equivalent of a wasp nest hanging under your roof. Shuppet actively roam the city streets in search of negative emotions and catch them with their upright horns. The biggest stumbling block here is Shuppet's origin. While its shape is more reminiscent of a teru teru bōzu than Castform's, it has absolutely nothing to do with the weather whatsoever. It seems to be based on a hand puppet; more specifically, a puppet used in shadow play, an ancient form of puppetry using flat articulated cut-out figures (shadow puppets) that are held between a source of light and a translucent screen of some sort.

Imagine Banette scratching at your window... A child who has
junked their doll in the Pokémon world must be having a hard
time, knowing Banette could come for them any moment.
Damn, this here image could have been a scene straight out of
a horror movie (or game). 

In short, Shuppet is based on some kind of toy, and this aspect blends perfectly with its evolution Banette, who is a whole lot scarier than Shuppet is. Banette is a doll-like Pokémon with a zipper that acts as its mouth and makes sure its life force is safely kept within its body. Whereas Shuppet mainly feeds on feelings of hatred, it becomes maliciously vengeful itself when it evolves into Banette: it lives on landfill sites and in dark alleys, where it seeks for the child that disowned it before it became a Pokémon (although it used to be a Shuppet first; great consistency there, Game Freak!). It even lays curses on people and other Pokémon by using its body as a voodoo doll and sticking pins into itself. My guess is that Banette is universally feared in the Pokémon world. I love this franchise, but even I wouldn't want to live in a world inabited by such capricious creatures, although I'd imagine a Luxray by my side to protect me if ever I were to live in the Pokémon world. Banette is almost realistically eerie - heck, its Gen. III sprites actually make it look like a possessed doll, before its sprites became more animated in later generations - and that makes me think it wouldn't feel out of place in one of those Five Nights at Freddy's games, which are undoubtedly to blame for a sudden increase in phobias about dolls and teddy bears. Inanimate objects coming to life is not a new thing, either: tools that have required a spirit are called tsukumogami in Japanese folklore.

For a discarded doll, Banette is actually pretty strong. Unfortunately it has inherited the trait of dolls being relatively fragile, although in terms of Pokémon stats it is actually very fragile. Banette can hit hard with its base 115 attack stat, but it can barely take a hit in return, nor can it take a hit first due to its equally low speed. Luckily, there's an answer: Mega Banette. Now, Mega Banette may not be that much faster than regular Banette, but the extra base points in speed help, as do the base points in its defenses. Of course, the biggest boost goes to its attack, which is now a base 165. However, Mega Banette has the ability Prankster by default, which means it'll always hit first with whatever status move you're throwing at your opponent. Almost all ghost types learn Will-O-Wisp, so burning the foe to whittle it down is a ridiculously viable tactic, especially since the 50% attack reduction heavily cripples physical attackers. And if a certain Pokémon poses a real threat to you, you can just click Destiny Bond and be done with it - obviously you'll lose Mega Banette as well, but you'll just have to strategize from there. That leaves two spots for attacking moves, and as one of them has to be STAB, I recommend Shadow Claw. The other could be Knock Off, which doubles in power when you manage to knock off the opposing Pokémon's held item, but ghost- and dark-type moves cover the same types anyway, so you might as well go for a priority STAB move in Shadow Sneak.

It's not as if you have any other choice, because the rest of its physical moves are ghost- and dark-type moves that are not worth mentioning and... Gunk Shot. It's not a terrible idea, don't get me wrong, but Gunk Shot doesn't have much PP and isn't very accurate, so it's nothing to get excited about. Banette's special movepool is much better, but if you're smart - and you probably are - you're running an Adamant nature to make use of that crazy attack stat. I mean, Banette didn't Mega-evolve just for you to make use of its base 93 special attack, right? And should you want to use regular Banette - make sure you have one with the ability Insomnia, which prevents it from falling asleep - I guess a mixed Life Orb set could do the job.

Mega Banette - obviously the one with zippers all over its body - and Shuppet.

I always forgot about Banette until it got a Mega evolution in the first place, which indicates that it's not really a memorable Pokémon. It's a shame, really. I mean, how creepier can you get than with a discarded doll possessed by a vindictive spirit, dedicating its life to finding the child that left it behind? This should be a bedtime story, period. Teach your kids to play with their toys in a respectful way, or let them think about whether they really need anything before it's bought and ultimately abandoned, or else their toys will come alive to take revenge on them.

Some lesson that would be, innit?

Rating: 4.5/5