#318 - #319: Carvanha & Sharpedo

Nice fan art of Carvanha. The only thing that's off is the Mario
star on its belly, which really should be a four-pointed star... with
no eyes whatsoever. 

Today we have a couple of more interesting Pokémon than last time, that's for sure. Carvanha is - surprise! - based on a piranha (or piraña, if you will) and, as expected from a fish with teeth, it has strongly developed jaws that can even chew through solid steel and rip up boat hulls. It even actively attacks boats and ships in swarms and lets them sink when they're entering its territory, and they rush to attack en masse if they scent the faintest trace of blood, but it turns suddenly timid and cowardly when it's on its own.

Sure thing, Carvanha. Sure thing.

One curious thing about Carvanha is that it seems to be a freshwater fish rather than a saltwater fish, but I honestly shouldn't be so surprised in the first place, because I actually know that piranhas are freshwater fish inabiting rivers throughout South America. It's probably the fact that Carvanha, a piranha Pokémon, evolves into Sharpedo, a shark Pokémon. And sharks are saltwater fish, as dozens of different species can in fact be found in oceans throughout the globe. In Pokémon anything is possible; I mean, we've had a swine turning into a mammoth, a remora fish turning into an octopus, a waterstrider turning into a mosquito of some sort and a gull turning into a pelican (whoever came up with that should be fired by Game Freak immediately)... so why not a piranha turning into a shark, right? At least it sounds pretty badass, doesn't it?

Archie and his Sharpedo, his signature Pokémon.

Well... yeah? I mean, Sharpedo looks kinda rad, but its flat rear - even though I know full well that Sharpedo's general body shape is that of a torpedo - looks kind of weird, as if its nonexistent tail was cut off abruptly. The main thing I like about Sharpedo is that it has an incredibly battered appearance, with notches cut into its dorsal and pelvic fins and a couple of yellow markings that are supposed to represent scars. I'm not surprised it looks like that, as it is a brutal Pokémon that can chew through iron and steel and destroy supertankers, tearing them into pieces. As such, it is known as the "Bully of the Sea" - or "Gangs of the Sea" when multiple Sharpedo have flocked together - and it is highly feared among mariners. But if that's what seamen are truly afraid of, it is time for them to piss their pants, because Sharpedo has a Mega evolution that looks much scarier than its regular form: its jaws look terrifying, it has yellow markings all over its body now, and it has three pairs of retractable sawblades on its snout that are actually transformed fangs. On top of that, it can now exceed 125 miles per hour with explosive propulsion, compared to the 75 to 80 miles regular Sharpedo can reach by jetting seawater out of its backside.

Official art of Mega Sharpedo, created by Ken Sugimori.

But can Sharpedo live up to its reputation in the competitive scene? Absolutely. It's incredibly frail, but it hits hard and it is relatively fast, especially after a boost from its hidden ability Speed Boost. Rough Skin, its regular ability, damages any foe that makes direct contact with Sharpedo, but it only works when you're feeling super confident and want to run it in combination with a Rocky Helmet for Sharpedo to hold. (Fun fact: Sharpedo's Japanese name is Samehader (サメハダー) and is derived from same, meaning 'shark', and hada-are, which means 'rough skin'. Additionally, samehada means 'shark skin' and Sharpedo's Japanese name might be a corruption of that as well.) It is more of a hit-and-run Pokémon, to be honest, and you'd do better to run Speed Boost in order for you to click Protect and get a free... well, speed boost. After that you can Mega-evolve your Sharpedo and perform a (late-game) sweep with moves like Crunch, Waterfall and Psychic Fangs, although it has access to more coverage moves like Ice Fang, Rock Tomb, Earthquake and Poison Jab. Mega Sharpedo standardly has the ability Strong Jaw, which increases the power of biting moves such as Crunch, Ice Fang and Psychic Fangs and allows it to hit even harder than any other Pokémon normally would. Because of the boost from its hidden ability, Sharpedo can run an Adamant nature over a Jolly one for maximum damage output, too.

A realistic take on Sharpedo.

While Sharpedo is not a favorite of mine, I cannot deny that this Pokémon - its Mega in particular - is pretty dope. I wish I could say its water/dark typing is unique, but Crawdaunt is a Pokémon with the exact same typing as Sharpedo that was introduced in the very same generation (I will discuss Corphish and Crawdaunt probably later next month or early April), and I don't think Sharpedo is any more competitively viable than Crawdaunt, either. Just because of plain badassery, Sharpedo gets a 4.5-star rating, just half a star short of a perfect rating. If only its flat rear didn't make me feel this Pokémon is missing something...

Rating: 4.5/5

#302: Sableye

Creepy fan art of Sableye. It uses its sharp claws to dig through
the earth and excavate gems, which it then devours.

Now, this Pokémon is a real gem, literally and figuratively. The dark/ghost Sableye is inarguably, indisputably, irrefutably an obscure and creepy but unique Pokémon. A goblin-like creature with sharp teeth and claws and eyes like diamonds that sparkle in the dark and allow it to see in low light, it is feared by many people because it's said that looking directly into its eyes will cause it steal one's soul away. Those eyes are not the only gemstones to be found on its body, though: it has a red gem on its chest, and on its back are a blue and green gemstone as well as another red one, which is probably a reference to the trio of games of the generation it debuted in. The diamond eyes and gem-like adornments on Sableye's body are the result of its diet, which consists of rock and raw gemstones. It even preys on Carbink, but it is apparently too slow to catch them, as they're usually taken by Gabite before Sableye can even do so much as to lay a hand on them. The whole gemstone thing extends through its Mega evolution as well: all the energy from Mega-evolving is concentrated into the red jewel on its chest, which detaches from Sableye's body and significantly increases in size, leaving a small hole in Mega Sableye's chest. Mega Sableye now shelters itself behind the large and heavy jewel, which is said to boast such incredible hardness that nothing even leaves so much as a scratch on it. Hiding behind the jewel comes with some benefits and disadvantages: Mega Sableye can take advantage of opening its targets leave exposed, but supporting the massive jewel makes it too slow to turn around, which makes it vulnerable from behind.

I especially like the lore behind Sableye's design, though. Brace yourselves.

Amazing fan art of Sableye picking its teeth after a delicious
meal consisting of rubies, sapphires and emeralds.

Sableye is based on the Hopkinsville Goblin, which is claimed to be an extraterrestrial being encountered in the towns of Kelly and Hopkinsville in the state of Kentucky (where the chicken comes from). On an August day in 1955, five immensely dumb adults and seven extremely gullible children arrived at the Hopkinsville police station claiming that small alien creatures in a spaceship repeatedly popped up at the doorway or peered through the windows of their farmhouse, attacking them. They had been holding the creatures off with gunfire for four hours, or so they said. Four remarkably clever city policemen, five unusually intelligent state troopers, four outstandingly bright military policemen from a nearby army base and three incredibly smart deputy sheriffs were concerned about a possible gun battle between local citizens and decided to take a look anyway, even though they found nothing but holes in window and door screens made by firearms. The story got widespread coverage in local and national press, although details such as "large pointed ears, claw-like hands, eyes that glowed yellow and spindly legs" only appeared in various media much later than the date of occurrence. A couple of exceptionally wise sceptics presumed that the creatures were just great horned owls - which have pointed ears and yellow eyes and aggressively defend their nests - that were misidentified by the hopelessly stupid Hopkinsville people because they were intoxicated, yet many tremendously crazy people called ufologists regard the whole affair as one of the most significant and well-documented cases in the history of UFO incidents.

Yeah, right. Alcohol ruins lives, people, so drink responsibly.

Anyway, The Hopkinsville aliens are most famous and popular in Japan, where they have appeared in various anime shows and video games, including Pokémon: the 'spindly legs' part caused the creatures to make swaying motions that are even demonstrated by Sableye's 3D movements in Gen. VI and Gen. VII.

Official art of Mega Sableye.

Unfortunately, neither regular Sableye nor Mega Sableye are very good in battle. The latter is even tied with Mega Mawile for having the lowest base stat total of all Mega-evolved Pokémon, at 480. That's not particularly a good base stat total for a Pokémon that is not holding an item other than a Mega Stone. Mega Sableye has excellent defense and special defense, sure, and its ability Magic Bounce lets it bounce back most status moves to the user (I think the only exception is Memento), but its mediocre HP stat doesn't back up its great defenses and its attacking stats are no more than decent. However, Sableye - and therefore also Mega Sableye, obviously - has access to reliable recovery in the move Recover, priority damage in Fake Out and priority Will-O-Wisp due to the Prankster ability; be careful, because regular Sableye is quite frail and Prankster will change into Magic Bounce upon Mega-evolving. As for the fourth and last moveslot, Foul Play is a decent option to attack with, as this move uses the opponent's attack stat rather than Mega Sableye's attack stat. It'll pay off most of the time, and even if Foul Play should be weaker, it's still a STAB move. For more reliability you could also use Knock Off, which even knocks off the opposing Pokémon's held item, rendering it unusable for the rest of the battle. In that case, Impish is the preferred nature for Mega Sableye, boosting its defense and lowering its special attack - which it isn't gonna use, anyway. Using regular Sableye is out of the question, unless you teach it Taunt and give it the Leftovers, which can make it somewhat viable as a blocker for Pokémon that want to set up an entry hazard or try to remove yours. There are much better options out there for that, though, and it is much better to just use Mega Sableye instead.

Sableye as seen in the anime. 

I think Sableye has an interesting and unique design and flavor to it and I definitely consider its Mega as one of the most original ones. Sableye has never been one of my favorite Pokémon, but I have to say that I've gotten more respect for the people who created it, as even I acknowledge the distinctiveness and originality of its design. Of course, at the end of the day it's just based on yet another mythical creature, but at least this time it's a mythical creature from modern history rather than ancient or postclassical history; the Kelly-Hopkinsville event was pretty recent in comparison, occurring 'only' 62 years ago. Moreover, this whole gemstone thing used to be unique to Sableye until Carbink and Diancie came into play, so it's not as if there wasn't some thought put into Sableye's whole concept. This Pokémon's getting a solid 4-star rating.

Rating: 4/5

#273 - #275: Seedot, Nuzleaf & Shiftry

A papercraft Seedot on top of a pile of real-ass
acorns. Ingenious.

Remember those Pokémon that like to randomly drop from the sky, like Sunkern? Well, Seedot is the same, except in this case it makes more sense: the short stem on top of the cap-like thing on its head gives it the appearance of an acorn and is used to hang on trees, where Seedot absorbs their moisture and nutrients and falls to the ground with a thump when it becomes too heavy. It doesn't only look like an acorn, it is also classified as the 'Acorn Pokémon' and is even mistaken for a nut when it remains still, startling other Pokémon by moving when it is being 'preyed' upon. It even finds delight in scaring other Pokémon, that naughty little shit. And it doesn't get any better when it evolves into Nuzleaf, because Nuzleaf uses the leaf on its head as a flute to make music that creates senses of unease, uncertainty and even dread in people, even though it is perfectly able to play pleasant melodies. It will come out of its natural habitat - the forest - to purposely frighten people, which is not even mischievous behavior anymore but just plain bullying. Nuzleaf, you have issues. Then again, Nuzleaf is now also a dark type instead of a pure grass type like Seedot, and in Japanese the type translates to 'evil type'. What's curious is that both Seedot and Nuzleaf seem to be vain creatures: Seedot has a body that becomes glossier the more water it drinks and polishes it with leaves once a day to look pretty, whereas Nuzleaf hates having its long nose pinched, although I wouldn't like that either if I had a nose like that.

Nuzleaf on a Topps Pokémon card. 

That nose is kind of a big thing when it comes to Pinocchio - pardon me, Nuzleaf. The English name for it already contains the word 'nose', but its Japanese name is Konohana (コノハナ), which literally means 'big nose'. And that's not all, because its German name Blanas is derived from Blad, Blatt and Nase - 'brat', 'leaf' and 'nose' respectively - and its Korean name Ipseko (잎새코) contains saeko, which means 'pointy nose'. That nose is kind of an important in the designs of Nuzleaf and its evolution Shitry, because they seem to be based on the tengu, a cruel and tricky Japanese goblin often associated with a humongous nose. The earliest tengu were depicted with beaks, as they were originally believed to be avian creatures, but the long nose is widely considered the one defining characteristic of a tengu today. Shiftry's feet even resemble the type of geta (a kind of Chinese-Japanese footwear that resemble both clogs and flip-flops) that tengu are usually pictured with, called tengu-geta, while the hand fans Shiftry has for hands resemble the feathered fan called a ha-uchiwa most tengu are depicted holding. The dark type really does Shiftry justice, as it is a wicked and mysterious Pokémon that is said to live in the tops of 1,000-year-old trees and is feared by people as the guardian of the forest. It is said to arrive with chilly, wintry winds and the hand fans - or fan hands - can even generate gusts of wind in excess of 100 feet per second, being able to blow anything away. Shiftry is even able to read an opponent's mind, then take pre-emptive action.

Team Rocket surrounded by a bunch of Shiftry. Yes, Meowth and
James are both dressed up as Jessie; no, I don't know why. 

Unfortunately, Shiftry isn't all that menacing in competitive play. Its good HP doesn't really back up its worse-than-medicore defenses and its speed isn't anything out of the ordinary, either. Its best stats are its base 100 attack and base 90 special attack, which are workable but make Shiftry more of a glass cannon. Luckily, there are two sets you can use: a Swords Dance set and a Nasty Plot set. Swords Dance can be used to buff up Shiftry's attack stat, while the rest of the slots in its moveset consist of strong attacking moves. Its average make it more reliable on Sucker Punch than it would like to, but it is merely an option and can be replaced with Knock Off instead, while Seed Bomb, Leaf Blade, X-Scissor and Rock Slide are viable options to fill in the rest of its moveset. A physical set does require an Adamant or Jolly nature, and if you let another Pokémon set up the sun for Shiftry, it can make use of the speed boost its ability Chlorophyll provides it in harsh sunlight. This also works when Shiftry is running Nasty Plot and thus makes use of a special moveset rather than a physical one. Honestly, its special movepool is much better than its physical movepool: it learns Giga Drain, Dark Pulse, Focus Blast, Energy Ball, Leaf Storm, Shadow Ball (redundant, as ghost-type moves cover the same types dark-type moves do), Hurricane (a reference to its ability to whip up strong gusts of wind) and even Extrasensory, which is oddly Nuzleaf's former signature move, even though it's a grass/dark type and not a psychic type. It goes without saying that Shiftry needs a Modest or Timid nature when running Nasty Plot rather than Swords Dance, but one thing's for sure: both sets can be extremely deadly when Shiftry is holding a Life Orb.

And should you want to get rid of screens and/or entry hazards, Shiftry can learn Defog through breeding. I'd recommend giving another Pokémon a move that can remove entry hazards and the like, but at least the option to give it to Shiftry is right there. You can even make Shiftry a mixed attacker and give it Growth instead of Nasty Plot or Swords Dance so that it can boost both its physical and special attack by one stage each (two when the sun is in effect).

Who doesn't want a GIF of three Seedot jumping up and down? Adorable.

Shiftry is... interesting, I guess? Its design is not as appealing as Ludicolo's and it's not as viable in the competitive scene as Ludicolo is, but at least its flavor in general is kind of interesting. Both Shiftry and Ludicolo are based on certain Japanese yōkai, with the Shiftry family based on the tengu and the Ludicolo family based on the kappa. This makes them parallels to each other - or counterparts, if you will - especially when you consider both evolutionary lines are version-exclusive: Seedot can be caught on Route 102 in Ruby, while Lotad can be found in the same area in Sapphire. Shiftry's design is a little too blocky to my taste and I am of the opinion that it doesn't look as natural as Ludicolo does, but that doesn't necessarily mean I hate it. I just don't think it is worthy of any rating higher than 3.5 stars.

P.S.: What the FUCK is up with that mullet, though?

Rating: 3.5/5

#261 - #262: Poochyena & Mightyena

Huh, interesting. New generations traditionally kick off with the starter Pokémon - with the notable exception of Gen. V, which started off with Victini instead - and after them you'll usually find the generic bird, bug or rodent. Not in Hoenn's case, in which the first Pokémon in the Pokédex after the starters are dark-type canine-like Pokémon.

Poochyena (front) in the anime, with a couple of Mightyena in
the background.

And I specifically say canine-like, because Poochyena and its evolution Mightyena seem to be based on hyenas, which are carnivorous animals that belong to the suborder of feliformia or feloidea and are phylogenetically closer to felines and viverrids than to canines (in contrast, the counterpart of feliformia is caniformia or canoidea). However, hyenas are often mistakenly thought to be canine, which isn't all that surprising if you think about it: behaviorally and morphologically they are similar to canines in several facets, although certain behavioral aspects such as grooming, mating and parenting are consistent with the behavior of other feliforms. It's a little of a gray area, and there is something to be said for the pro-canine people as well as the pro-feline camp. At the end of the day, Poochyena and Mightyena are designed to look more canine ('pooch' is even slang for 'dog'), and it is possible that they're also based on a couple of canine creatures such as wolves. Poochyena might look like your average cute little doggie, but it tries to indimidate its foes by making its bushy tail bristle out and is a tenacious and obnoxious little bastard who will bite anything it sees moving and chases after its prey until they become exhausted. Often enough the victim will strike back, which causes Poochyena to turn tail and make a run for it, the cowardly little shit.

Such lovely fan art of Mightyena and Arcanine sharing a stick.

But this persistent bullying becomes coordinated teamwork when Poochyena evolves. Mightyena live in packs and a member of such a pack will follow the orders of its leader as it chases down prey. The only thing that doesn't make a whole lot of sense is that it starts giving off obvious signals when it is about to attack, like flattening its body and even growling deeply, but wouldn't the prey hear you and flee if you did that? I guess there would be other Mightyena at the ready to capture the fleeing prey should that happen, as it is a coordinated attack, after all, but it still doesn't make sense that a predator would let its prey known that it's nearby. Or maybe I'm dumb and luring the prey into fleeing in a certain direction is actual predatory behavior in real life, but it seems to me that a more stealthy approach with a couple of back-up pack members at the ready in case the prey tries to escape is a more effective way to hunt. But fuck me, right? Anyhow, Mightyena's savagery is nowhere to be found in the games, as its base stat total of only 420 doesn't lend itself to the creation of good competitive sets. Mightyena's best stat is its attack, at base 90, while its HP, defense, special defense and speed - 70, 70, 60 and 70, respectively - are mediocre at best. That's why it resides in Smogon's lowest tier possible for fully evolved Pokémon, PU. However, an Adamant nature in combination with the ability Moxie (raises its attack by one stage every time it knocks out an opponent), the held item Life Orb and the priority move Sucker Punch might(yena) make it a late-game sweeper in its respective tier. If you invest some time in breeding a Poochyena, it can learn some pretty nifty moves, too: it learns the elemental fangs as well as Iron Tail and the fairy-type move Play Rough, which is nice against fighting types that threaten it.

This artist perfectly managed to lay emphasis on Mightyena's hyenine features.

I've never been very fond of Poochyena, and that's for one reason and one reason only: I once encountered a shiny one on either Ruby or Sapphire (I forgot which one) early on in the game and accidentally knocked it out with a crit Scratch from my Torchic when I tried to weaken it. It's a good thing critical hits have been nerfed from Pokémon X and Y onwards, now dealing 1.5 times the normal damage instead of 2 times, but to this day I remain a little salty about it. Three years ago, I put Mightyena on number 36 in my list of favorite Pokémon, but that was merely based on its design, which has lost its appeal a little since then. Mightyena is still a very interesting dark type with characteristics that fit its type perfectly, but I have to hold back at least half a star - and maybe even more when time passes - from its final rating. At least for now, Mightyena may enjoy its excellent 4.5-star rating.

Rating: 4.5/5

#246 - #248: Larvitar, Pupitar & Tyranitar

Okay, let me confess something here: I don't care for pseudo-legends all that much. Other people would easily give all of them five-star ratings if they would be doing this whole rating thing, but I won't. With the notable exceptions of Metagross and Hydreigon, I don't like pseudos as much as I actually should, and I think the fact that I like Dragonair more than Dragonite is a really good example of that. Don't get me wrong here: I still like Dragonite to some extent, and I'm definitely not going to bash Tyranitar or any of the other pseudos, but you shouldn't expect me to go fanboying over them, either.

Cute little Larvitar holding on to its Substitute plush. 

However, you can't deny that Tyranitar are terrible parents. Its basic form Larvitar is born deep underground, far from its parents, and takes a long time coming to the surface: it will have to eat the surrounding soil before it can see its parents' faces. It will only enter its pupal form - i.e. evolve into Pupitar - upon eating an entire mountain's worth of earth, although in the games it just evolves at level 30. As a Pupitar it becomes trapped in a shell that is so hard that it can even withstand a collision with solid steel, and it has to create a gas inside its body that it compresses and forcefully ejects to propel itself like jet. So it has to fart to move around? That's gross. However, it can move freely inside the shell while its arms and legs are developing, and its thrashing has such destructive power that it can topple a mountain. And Tyranitar? Tyranitar can crush a mountain with one hand. One hand. So... yeah. It has a vicious and insolent nature (see, I told you these things are bad parents!), and it will always be looking for a chance to fight because it knows its thick and rocky hide gives it a good resistance to all forms of attack. It is rarely scared and will never flinch at anything - except at a Serene Grace Air Slash from a Togekiss or a Serene Grace Iron Head from a Jirachi. If it's enraged, Tyranitar will set off outstanding non-STAB Earthquakes (the entire evolutionary line are rock types, but the secondary ground type changes into the dark type when Pupitar evolves into Tyranitar) that can completely change the entire landscape, often forcing cartographers to draw up new maps. So all things summarized, Tyranitar is nothing short of savage.

Pupitar in TCG. 

Now, you'd think that the entire evolutionary line are based on the notorious species of tyrannosaurus rex, but that is not necessarily the case. All of their Japanese names end with the suffix -giras, which may be derived from kirai ('hate') or Gojira and Angiras. Those are the Japanese names of the lizard-like creatures Godzilla and Anguirus, respectively, and are the monsters most often used in old Japanese tokusatsu movies, live-action fantasy or horror films with considerable use of special effects. As Anguirus is based on the ankylosaurus, it is more likely that Godzilla was the inspiration for Larvitar, Pupitar and Tyranitar - or Yogiras (ヨーギラス), Sangiras (サナギラス) and Bangiras (バンギラス) in Japanese. Godzilla itself was designed by combining the tyrannosaur, iguanodon and stegosaur, along with adding some crocodilian features, so we're coming full circle here. And if someone may be wondering what the prefixes of these Pokémon's Japanese names mean: Yogiras is derived from yōji ('baby') and/or yōsei ('larva'), Sangiras contains sanagi ('pupa'), and Bangiras and its foul temper were inspired from yaban ('savage') and/or ban ('barbarian'). That is awfully accurate, I'd say. Additionally, Tyranitar's English name is most likely derived from 'tyrant', referring to its vicious nature, rather than tyrannosaurus rex.

Pretty savage fan art of Mega Tyranitar.

Tyranitar is also a beast in competitive play. Aside from its speed, its base stats are decent to excellent, and it only gets better as Mega Tyranitar. It's not true that there isn't any attack that will leave a scratch on T-tar, but at least Game Freak have shown some consistency by giving it good defenses. Its base 110 defense is already sky-high, but because it's a rock type, its base 100 special defense will even increase by 50% during a sandstorm. And this only applies to regular T-tar. Its Mega has a base stat total of 700, with 164 attack, 150 defense and 120 special defense (before its ability Sand Stream whips up a sandstorm). Holy cow. You'd think it would be impossible to beat Mega T-tar at all, but it is kind of slow and has a whopping seven weaknesses, among which a quadruple one to fighting-type moves, so it has its flaws. There are some useful sets for regular Tyranitar, among which a Jolly Choice Scarf set and an Adamant Choice Band set, both with the Sand Stream ability and staple moves like Crunch, Stone Edge, Pursuit (a 40-power move that does double damage when the foe switches out on the turn it is used) and either Superpower or Earthquake. It can even be used for support, like setting up Stealth Rock and paralyze foes with Thunder Wave, but when using Mega Tyranitar I'd recommend going with a Dragon Dance set. Dragon Dance raises Mega
T-tar's attack and speed by one stage, and when it manages to pull one off, you're in big trouble, because it can finish off your Pokémon with a plethora of STAB and coverage moves.

Regular Tyranitar.

Now, I have another confession to make: I am NOT a fan of Mega Tyranitar. The spikes protruding everywhere from its body and the scales, which are now red instead of blue and enable it to emanate more power because they're seething with energy, only make it overdesigned. The scales do make Mega Tyranitar look more vicious, but they only enhance the notion that there are too many unnecessary additions to its design. So my rating today is for regular Tyranitar, who already looks savage on its own and didn't really need a Mega in the first place. And even though Tyranitar is naturally savage, its blue scales actually give it a somewhat softer look and don't make it look like it's overdesigned. I like Tyranitar more than Dragonite, but it's not one of my favorite Pokémon, so I'll guess it'll have to do with a 4.5-star rating. Which, by the way, isn't bad by any means.

P.S.: There's actually a Smogon Mega T-tar set called 'Indominus Rex', named after the new made-up dinosaur hybrid from Jurassic World. That's just fucking hilarious.

Rating: 4.5/5

#228 - #229: Houndour & Houndoom

(Disclaimer: The following paragraph contains some content from Pikachu's Global Adventure: The Rise and Fall of Pokémon by editor Joseph Tobin. It is an informative book containing a collection of essays by various authors analyzing the popularity of Pokémon by addressing core debates about the globalization of popular culture and children's consumption of mass-produced culture.)

TCG art of Houndour.

There has been public outcry from religious parents against Pokémon since it started to be a thing in 1998; in Japan the craze started two years previous, but the franchise has remained relatively free of criticism in its home country, despite the infamous spree of epileptic seizures that the anime episode "Electric Soldier Porygon" induced in young viewers in 1997. In spite of official approval from the Anglican Church and the Vatican in 2000, religious parents and other church officials continue to believe the subliminal messages found in the cartoon series, movies, games and cards are 'tantamount to training children in the occult'. Those so-called malevolent messages include evolution, occultism, violence as a source of power, sexual perversion, and New Age concepts such as reincarnation (wait, I am genuinely confused right now; 'original' Christians don't believe in reincarnation?) and psychic powers. Critics cite Satanic elements in Pokémon, such as 'inflicting pain through slashing, psychic powers, fits of rage and draining the life force out of on opponent', and according to them, Pokémon is nothing short of 'an epic struggle with Satan for the souls of children and adults'. Some parents go as far as making their children burn their cards and destroy their video games.

OMG, this papercraft Houndoom is amazing!

While I personally believe these cries of disapproval and condemnation are nothing but a pile of horseshit, Game Freak did create two Pokémon based on creatures from the underworld: Houndour and Houndoom, who are obviously based on hellhounds. They also share some traits with regular dog breeds like Rottweilers and Doberman Pinschers, and the striped patterns on their backs even make them bear resemblance to the thylacine. While this creature sounds like it's some kind of base liquid, it was actually a marsupial more commonly known as the Tasmanian wolf or Tasmanian tiger (even though it wasn't feline) - not to be confused with the Tasmanian devil - and is believed to have gone extinct in 1936. There are several tales of different kinds of hellhounds in various kinds of folklores, but it's enough to know that Houndour and Houndoom are based on hellhounds in general. And let's be honest here: some of their aesthetics are noticeably satanic, among which the skull-like crest on Houndour's head, Houndoom's curved horns and Houndoom's arrow-shaped tail. The latter is commonly associated with the devil, who is often depicted with a tail ending in a triangular tip. Even Houndour and Houndoom's Japanese names, Delvil (デルビル) and Hellgar (ヘルガー), are obvious references to Hell and the Devil, while Houndoom's French and German names, Démolosse and Hundemon, contain the words démon and Dämon, respectively. I probably don't have to tell you what the English translation of those words is, right?

This more realistic approach of Houndour and Houndoom is fantastic. There are
some really talented artists on the Internet. 

Unfortunately, Houndour's Pokédex entries are excruciatingly lame. They're nothing more than it showing common pack behavior and teamwork with others of its species. Houndoom's also mention pack behavior, but quite differently: the one Houndoom with its horn raked sharply towards its back serves a leadership role in the pack, and the leader is usually chosen by fighting among themselves. Houndoom's guts contain toxins that it uses to create fire, which is why Houndoom's fire has a foul odor and the wounds and pain inflicted by it will never heal or go away. Other Pokémon shudder in fear and flee when they hear its eerie howls, and people from the past imagined its howls to be the call of the Grim Reaper. Now, that's more like a hellhound!

Mega Houndoom.

Houndoom also proves to be quite the hellhound in the competitive scene: it's supposed to be a speedy special attacker with a Timid nature, a Life Orb attached to it, and a moveset consisting of Nasty Plot and three attacking moves. As Houndoom's movepool is kind of lacking, you're stuck with Dark Pulse and Fire Blast, and probably Sludge Bomb or some type of Hidden Power. Mega Houndoom, however, has a whole different tactic: the Sunny Day/Solar Beam combo. While regular Houndoom doesn't have access to the ability Solar Power - the best ability for it is Flash Fire, which lets it absorb fire-type moves and raises its special attack in the process - Mega Houndoom does, and it uses it with flair. This ability increases Mega Houndoom's special attack when the sun is up at the cost of some HP each turn, and when Sunny Day is in effect, fire-type moves get a 50% boost and Solar Beam doesn't require a turn to charge. It's like a Life Orb, only in the form of an ability. It has proved to be quite effective, although you could just slap Nasty Plot on it and replace Solar Beam with something like Taunt or Will-O-Wisp if you want Houndoom to last longer. By the way, have you noticed how Mega Houndoom's tail now almost looks like the devil's trident? Nice touch. Also, its body is now covered with a bone-like armor and the claws on its paws are red because of its ability to generate more heat.

Houndoom in what looks like the middle of a wildfire.

I have nothing but love for this thing, especially since Game Freak decided to give it an awesome Mega. Those who regularly visit my blog have probably deduced by now that I am an atheist, by the use of variations of the word 'goddammit'. I don't have much with religion in general, and that has much to do with religious people in my environment condemning my lifestyle and saying I should turn my life around (I'm gay), but mostly I just think most of them are hateful, hypocritical and biased and don't want me to play Pokémon. So Pokémon based on creatures from the underworld is my definition of irony, although I think Game Freak didn't create Houndour and Houndoom to intentionally offend Christians - or religious people in general. Of course, the main reason why I love Houndoom and its Mega is because they look awesome, but I figured this would be an excellent moment to voice my opinion about religion. I know I don't seem nice right now, but I have had too many negative experiences with Christians in my own country (lucky for me I live in the Netherlands, one of the most gay-friendly countries in the world). However, believe me when I say I'm very much like Houndour: I bark, but I don't bite.

Rating: 5/5

#215, #461: Sneasel & Weavile

Sneasel fan art.

Sneasel was supposed to be one of those Pokémon you should start using in Pokémon Gold and Silver, with very decent attack and excellent speed, but dark and ice (Sneasel's types) were still special in Gen. II and III and Sneasel has an abysmal special attack stat, which kept it from being useful at all. It was mainly a Pokédex filler, until Gen. IV came around and the physical/special split occurred. And to crown it all, Sneasel actually got an evolution: Weavile. And it's not even a considerably good one flavor-wise. Sneasel, a sneaky little motherfucker based on weasels and possibly cats, is notoriously vicious and is known for stealing eggs from unattended Pidgey nests (probably also from nests of other bird Pokémon) in pairs: while one Sneasel drives the parents from their nest, the other steals the eggs. They then feast on them. It's common knowledge that weasels - especially stoats - occasionally steal eggs from bird nests and eat them, so I'm not surprised. Weavile is even less interesting in that regard: they are more devious than Sneasel (no shit), hunt in packs and leave mysterious markings on trees or ice in order to signal companions. However, there is one thing that's interesting about Sneasel en Weavile: both are obviously based on weasels, but in Japanese mythology there is actually a weasel demon with sickles on its front legs called the kamaitachi. It uses the sickles to cut people, but even though that causes a sharp wound, there is no pain. In many regions of the country it's often associated with ice and snow, which is a nod to Sneasel and Weavile's ice typing.

Weavile about to throw a Shadow Ball, from the looks of it. Not that it's going to
inflict a lot of damage, because Weavile's special attack is as dreadful as Sneasel's.

They may also be based on the Western and Japanese superstition when it comes to black cats and weasels, respectively, both notorious for being sneaky and associated with evil and misfortune. Although the superstition about black cats derives from Western, medieval witchcraft, Sneasel and Weavile don't really look like black cats and they sure as hell don't have magical powers (well, Pokémon are magical creatures an sich, but you probably know what the fuck I'm talking about). Weavile's appearance, however, seems to be based on old Egyptian fashion: it wears a headdress, a collar, earrings and 'eyeshadow' similar to Egyptian deities, especially Bastet or Sekhmet, who are often depicted with a cat's head - the former is even considered the god of cats. In addition, both were famous for using their claws in warfare.

TCG art of Weavile.

And Weavile uses its claws in warfare, alright. It's fast and strong, but it's also very fragile due to its mediocre HP and defenses. In other words, your opponent knows exactly what to expect from this thing: a fast-as-hell (because Jolly) wallbreaker or revenge killer with a somewhat predictable moveset: Fake Out, Knock Off, Icicle Crash and Ice Shard, often backed up by a Life Orb to strengthen all of its attacking moves. However, since Weavile is so frail, it could also hang onto a Focus Sash, which leaves it at 1 HP when attacked at full health. Also, that moveset I just mentioned isn't exactly the most reliable one. To start with, Fake Out has only 50 base power and isn't even powered up by STAB, so it could easily be omitted, even though it's a decent way to cause damage and make the foe flinch upon the switch-in of Weavile. Because there are many heavy Pokémon in the OU tier Weavile resides in, Low Kick is an option, as it does more damage to heavier foes like Heatran, Tyranitar and Ferrothorn. Poison Jab and Iron Tail work on fairy types, which Weavile is weak to, and Ice Punch could replace Icicle Crash because its accuracy is higher - although many people prefer the higher base power of Icicle Crash. And while Ice Shard is perfect to finish opponents because it has increased priority, it's a rather weak move that should be reserved for a dark-type move that can be used once Knock Off becomes redundant, like Night Slash (which has a higher chance for a critical hit, too).

I hate Sneasel and Weavile's flavor, because Game Freak are once more stating the obvious when it is clearly present in their designs: one look at these Pokémon and you'll know they're up to no fucking good. It's a shame, because Weavile's design is really cool and its typing makes it a great offensive threat in the competitive metagame. Game Freak could have done a better job with this Pokémon, but I quite like it and it doesn't deserve a bad rating by any means.

Rating: 4/5

#198, #430: Murkrow & Honchkrow

Murkrow.

So. Two more entries before I get to discussing Unown. Man, I can't wait to talk about Unown.

For now I'm gonna focus on Murkrow and Honchkrow, though. These Pokémon are obviously crows and Honchkrow is even the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch... oh wait, wrong franchise. Well, at least it is the Lord Commander of the Italian mafia, as it is not only based on a crow but on a mob boss as well. That's awesome. However, let's not jump ahead too much and take a look at Murkrow first. This bird can be taken to resemble a gang member under Honchkrow, although the crest on its head and its tail might also resemble a pointed hat and the bristles of a broom, respectively, giving it a resemblance to a witch in flight. Additionally, Honchkrow's tail looks like a besom broom, which, along with its hat- and beard-like feathers, give it the impression of a sorcerer or wizard. All this reminds me a little of Magica De Spell (in the Netherlands we call her Zwarte Magica, after zwarte magie, 'black magic'), who is a duck witch with a pet crow and continuously attempts to steal Scrooge McDuck's Number One Dime. It's all very innocent, of course, as it's Disney after all, but still...

Darker pieces of fan art are some of my favorite. This artist managed to make
Murkrow really ominous here, as seeing one is an omen of dark things to come,
although it is more of a prankster. 

And, lo and behold, Murkrow has a fondness for sparkly things and will steal objects such as jewelry to bring back to its nest, even when it comes directly from a woman's finger. Stealing glittering things is a trait that is more often attributed to magpies than to crows, but whatever. Contrary to popular belief, magpies and crows don't steal shiny things anyway, so it doesn't really matter. Murkrow does steal shiny things, and goes as far as to fight with other Pokémon that like them; Meowth and Murkrow even loot one another's stashes. Whenever it is chased, it loses its pursuer by leading it down a dark mountain trail, which it even does to other humans and Pokémon by way of a mean-spirited prank. People in the Pokémon world even get superstitious when it comes to Murkrow: they fear and loathe it and believe it to bring misfortune to those who see it at night.

Honchkrow acting as if it's putting a fedora on its head.

In short, Murkrow is nothing more than a criminal bird, which brings me to Honchkrow's origin. What, you want evidence that Honchkrow is based on the boss of a crime syndicate? Well, three leaders of villainous teams have had a Honchkrow on their teams so far: Giovanni from Team Rocket (who is a mob boss himself, which is a very nice touch Game Freak added there), Cyrus from Team Galactic and Lysandre from Team Flare. Its crest looks like a fedora hat, a piece of headgear often associated with mobsters, and its namesake screams it is based on a crime boss. Let's go:

English: Honchkrow is derived from 'honcho' - which in itself is derived from the Japanese word of hanchō - and means as much as 'leader' or 'boss'.

Japanese: Donkarasu (ドンカラス) is from don, Spanish for 'lord', and karasu, Japanese for crow. The Korean name Donkeurou (돈크로우) is a transliteration of Honchkrow's Japanese name and means exactly the same. This name actually makes the most sense, because 'Don' is a title many mafia leaders adopt.

German: Kramshef is a combination of Krähe and Chef, meaning 'crow' and 'boss', respectively.

Mandarin Chinese: Wūyātóutóu (烏鴉頭頭) is literally 'crow chief'.

French: Corboss is derived from the French word for 'crow', corneille (Bulbapedia says corbeau, but I'm going to contradict that because a corbeau is a raven), and 'boss'.

Still not convinced? Well, Honchkrow makes all Murkrow its bitches by uttering a deep cry, for which it is called the "Summoner of Night". It makes its Murkrow cronies bring it food and follow them when it wanders about at night. It is merciless by nature and never forgives the mistakes of its Murkrow followers. If that doesn't sound like a mob boss, then I don't know what does.

Honchkrow looks much more intimidating than Murkrow does.

Honchkrow is a great competitive battler as well. While Murkrow is just mediocre all around, Honchkrow gains much better HP and offensive stats and slightly better defensive stats when it evolves from Murkrow by use of a Dusk Stone (they're the only non-ghost types who can do that). Unfortunately, Honchkrow loses quite a bit of speed, so it is slower than its pre-evolution, which is never a good thing. Luckily there is a move that can get around that quite easily: Sucker Punch, which always hits first but fails when the target is not using a damaging move. Honchkrow has access to a great hidden ability, Moxie, which raises its attack by one stage when it knocks something out. Combine that with an Adamant nature and a Life Orb, and Honchkrow hits like a truck with moves like Brave Bird, Sucker Punch and Superpower (with Roost for reliable recovery). That's as far as useful moves go, though; it learns Steel Wing as well, but it's a rather weak move that's hardly worth the hassle. But fear not: there is another set that is worth your while. Honchkrow's base 125 attack is great, but its base 105 special attack is nothing to sneeze at, either. While it has no access to special-based flying-type moves, it does learn Nasty Plot naturally, with which it essentially doubles its special attack. In conjunction with a Modest nature and a Life Orb it can cause some serious damage. And it has access to just enough useful special moves, too: Dark Pulse, Psychic and Heat Wave are all viable options. It is advisable to go for Insomnia or Super Luck as its ability, though, as Moxie becomes useless when you decide to go for a special Nasty Plot set.

I think it's great Game Freak went for a mob boss Pokémon. It's such a unique concept; I don't think there are many animal Pokémon based on humans - in this case, a crow that resembles a crime boss. Well, there are humanoid Pokémon, but that's not exactly what I mean. While Honchkrow is not one of my all-time favorite Pokémon, it is definitely worthwhile of a 4.5-star rating. Honchkrow is a boss.

Rating: 4.5/5

#133 - #136, #196 - #197, #470 - #471, #700: Eevee, Vaporeon, Jolteon, Flareon, Espeon, Umbreon, Leafeon, Glaceon & Sylveon

Y'all bitches better prepare yourselves, 'cause this is going to be one lengthy-ass article. I think. No, definitely.

Today I want to talk about one of my favorite evolution lines in existence: Eevee and its evolutions. They are often affectionately called Eeveelutions by most Pokémon freaks, and from here on out, I will refer to Eevee's evolutions by using this term. Unless, of course, I'm calling the Pokémon by its actual name. Obviously.

Eevee (middle), surrounded by its eight possible evolutions.

So... Eevee. Eevee is a curious Pokémon, being able to evolve into a whopping EIGHT possible Pokémon, which is more than any other Pokémon. Tyrogue is, with three possible evolutions, not even a close second; and if Game Freak had stopped adding new Eeveelutions after Gen. I, Tyrogue would have been tied with Eevee. But Game Freak didn't stop, and after Vaporeon, Jolteon and Flareon we also got Espeon, Umbreon, Leafeon, Glaceon and the recently added Sylveon. The main reason why Eevee is able to evolve into any one of these eight different Pokémon is because it has irregularly shaped DNA that allows it to adapt to many different kinds of environments, changing its appearance and abilities completely in order for it to better suit its surroundings. It all depends on its habitat. Eevee is not like Ditto, who can transfrom into any Pokémon it sees and change back whenever it suits it; Eevee's evolution is permanent and is triggered by fulfilling certain requirements. In Red, Blue and Yellow, evolving Eevee was relatively easy, as Vaporeon, Jolteon and Flareon were obtainable by exposing Eevee to a Water Stone, Thunder Stone or Fire Stone, respectively. After that, it became harder to have Eevee evolve. Espeon and Umbreon can both be obtained by maxing out Eevee's friendship level and then leveling it up during the daytime or nighttime, respectively. Eevee will evolve into either Leafeon or Glaceon by leveling it up near the Moss Rock or Ice Rock, respectively, but this can be hard, as Eevee has often been unobtainable (or the Moss and Ice Rock inaccessible) in the main storyline since Diamond and Pearl. Finally, Gen. VI saw the introduction of Sylveon, who can be obtained by leveling up Eevee while it has a fairy-type move on it and two affection hearts in Pokémon-Amie.

ISN'T THIS THE MOST ADORABLE THING YOU HAVE EVER
SEEN???

Eevee has always been one of the most popular Pokémon, and it seems to be Game Freak's sweetheart as well. In the first, second and fourth generations, as well as FireRed and LeafGreen (Red and Blue remakes), Eevee is given to the player by a non-player character (NPC). In Pokémon XD: Gale of Darkness and Pokémon Conquest, as well as some Mystery Dungeon games, Eevee is the starter Pokémon, while Pokémon Colosseum lets you start with two fully evolved Eeveelutions: Espeon and Umbreon. It's not a surprise that Eevee is so popular: because it is able to evolve into eight different Pokémon of eight different types, it is so diverse that it is impossible not to have at least one favorite Eeveelution. And maybe Eevee itself is one of your favorite Pokémon, just because it's so friggin' adorable. There is an abundance of cute Eevee fan art to be found on the Internet, as well as countless pieces of Eeveelution fan art. And rightfully so, because there is something to be said for any one of the Eeveelutions: Jolteon is the coolest, for example, while Flareon is the cutest, Espeon and Sylveon are the prettiest and Umbreon has the prettiest shiny form.

Look at how savage they are. ROAR!!!

It really helps that each Eeveelution has its own distinct flavor and battle tactics. Vaporeon, for example, has a cell structure that is similar to water molecules, which allows it to melt away and make itself invisible while underwater. It has the ability to control water, and when its fins begin to vibrate, it is a sign that rain will come within a few hours. Because it shares traits with felines and fish, Vaporeon's design may be a visual pun on the catfish, although it may also be inspired by the Telchines of Greek mythology, the original inhabitants of Rhodes. Eevee and its evolutions are even said to be based off of canines, but I personally think they look more feline rather than canine, with the notable exception of Jolteon. Back to Vaporeon. Competitively, Vaporeon has some beefy HP to it, as well as excellent special attack and some pretty damn good special defense. It is therefore often used as a wall, sporting a Bold nature to beef up its mediocre defense, so that it can take physical hits just as well as special ones. Combine it with the ability Water Absorb (nullifies all water-type attacks used on Vaporeon and heals it for 25% of its maximum HP whenever possible), the Leftovers to gain some HP back every turn, the Wish/Protect combo and Heal Bell for some annoying recovery, and Scald for a high chance to burn and thus reduce the impact of physical hits on Vaporeon, and Vaporeon just becomes a pain in the ass. You can also go for an all-out offensive approach; its excellent special attack and access to Ice Beam and other coverage moves like Signal Beam and Shadow Ball leaves it perfectly viable for that.

Awww, Eeveelutions can be cute, too! 

Jolteon, on the other hand, is all about the hit-and-run tactic. It excels in special attack and speed and is therefore more often used as an all-out attacker. A Timid nature, a Life Orb or the Choice Specs as held item and the ability Quick Feet (increases speed when suffering from a non-volatile status condition, although Volt Absorb works great, too) really help it to outspeed most other Pokémon and KO them in one or two hits, especially with moves like Thunderbolt, Volt Switch, Signal Beam and any type of Hidden Power. Jolteon can also learn Shadow Ball, if you find that convenient. Its relatively low HP and defense render it quite frail, though, so watch out. But it's not only its utility in the competitive scene that makes Jolteon a cool Pokémon: its design and flavor are some of the best of the Eeveelutions, in my opinion. Electric-type Pokémon tend to have cool, streamlined designs, and Jolteon is no exception. It is easily sad, angered or startled, and when it is, the hairs of its fur become needles that are fired at its opponents. Every time its mood changes, it accumulates negative ions in the atmosphere to blast out 10,000-volt lightning bolts. Even its cells produce electrical charges, which Jolteon amplifies with the static electricity of its fur and eventually discharges. Because of its feline traits, Jolteon may be based on Raijū, a mythical beast from Japanese mythology whose body is made of thunder and may take the form of a cat.

Fun fact: Jolteon is actually the only Eeveelution with no visible tail.

There is an abundance of cool and cute Eeveelution fan art to be
found on the Internet, but you'll encounter the occasional funny
piece as well. 

But while Jolteon is cool and all, it is not my favorite Eeveelution. Flareon is, and that's because its design comes closest to Eevee of all Eeveelutions. And I love Eevee for its adorableness, so take one guess why I prefer Flareon over all of the others... Exactly, because it's the fluffiest. Its flavor is perfect for that, too, as its fire typing causes it to have a high body temperature up to 1,650°F. That's where its fluffy fur comes into play: it acts as a conductor to release heat into the air, so that Flareon's body doesn't become excessively hot. Its high body temperature is caused by an internal flame sac, which Flareon uses to store and heat inhaled air then exhale it as fire as hot as 3,000°F. This sounds incredibly powerful, but sadly, Flareon isn't such a good competitive battler. It just doesn't seem to have the right stat distribution, because its attack is fantastic and its special defense is really good as well, but everything else just doesn't fit in. It has mediocre HP, defense and speed, which means it is quite frail and will often have to take a hit before it gets the chance to attack, provided that it does get a chance to attack. Its lack of good physical fire-type moves up until Gen. V made it one of the least favorite Eeveelutions to use competitively, which is more than understandable. Thankfully, it got Flare Blitz in Gen. VI, but it deals recoil damage, so watch out with that. As for the rest of its set, Superpower and Quick Attack are must-haves, while Iron Tail can be used to cover rock and fairy types and Substitute may be an option to delay Flareon's downfall. Give it an Adamant nature and give it a Choice Band, or make use of its hidden ability Guts, which increases Flareon's attack by 50% when it has a status condition, and let it hold a Toxic Orb (a Flame Orb won't work, because fire-type Pokémon can't get burned). The Choice Band is the better option, but because of the lack of good physical moves and its poor stat distribution, Flareon sucks ass in the competitive scene. It breaks my heart to say that, but yeah...

More Eeveelution fan art. 

Luckily, we have Espeon, who has about the same hit-and-run tactic like Jolteon. Blessed with excellent special attack and very good speed, Espeon is a great Pokémon to use in the UU tier. It has access to Psychic, Dazzling Gleam and Shadow Ball, as well as Signal Beam, Grass Knot and Morning Sun for some instant recovery, just for convenience. A Timid nature and the Choice Specs or Choice Scarf (a Life Orb if you want to add Calm Mind to Espeon's moveset) are recommended, as is its ability Magic Bounce, which reflects all status moves that would otherwise disadvantage Espeon back to the opponent. Hah, try to Thunder Wave me now, bitch! Synchronize, which causes the opponent to get the same status condition they gave to Espeon, seems nice, but you're better off with Magic Bounce. Espeon seems like a magical Pokémon in the first place, and that's not that far from the truth. Espeon uses the fine hairs of the velvety fur that covers its body to sense and read air currents, so that it can predict the future, the weather and an opponent's movements, while its forked tail quivers when it does that. Espeon appears to be based on the nekomata, also known as bake-neko, which are mysterious and intelligent fork-tailed cats. Ancient writings describe the nekomata as having 'eyes like a cat and a body like a dog', which could explain why Espeon looks feline as well as canine. Espeon is a light-hearted and loyal Pokémon, other than Umbreon (who was introduced in Gen. II alongside Espeon), who has kind of a dark personality.

Shiny Umbreon has blue rings and yellow eyes instead of yellow
rings and red eyes. I think it's very fancy. 

That is not exactly surprising, as Umbreon is a dark-type Pokémon. Being completely black, it can make itself perfectly invisible during nighttime, although the yellow rings on its fur glow faintly when it is exposed to the moon's aura (which is how it evolved in the first place) or when it gets exceptionally excited. It's also a defense mechanism that strikes fear into the hearts anyone nearby, and whenever it is agitated it sprays a poisonous sweat to keep the foe at bay. Its flavor suggests that Umbreon takes on more of a defensive tactic, and that is exactly what it is about. Provided with excellent defenses and some pretty good HP, Umbreon acts as a tank and is usually a pain to take down. Its attacking stats are really poor, though, but it doesn't need them, so don't worry. The Wish/Protect combo is a common tactic that makes Moonlight for instant recovery kinda useless, but it has Heal Bell to cure status conditions and Foul Play to deal some good damage, using the foe's attack stat against them rather than using its own. That way, it doesn't even matter if you're running a Calm, Careful, Impish or Bold nature; any of those is completely fine for it. Of course, the Leftovers are the obvious held item for it, but this time you'd do better to run Synchronize, as Inner Focus only prevents Umbreon from flinching. That seems nice, but it is purely situational and Umbreon can take a hit just fine, anyway. I just can't get over the fact that it looks a little like a hare or a rabbit (the ears!), which is why it could be based on East Asian folklores concerning a moon rabbit.

Why is it so HARD to pick fan art for this article? This one is
totally cute, though.

The Gen. IV additions work a little bit differently from Espeon and Umbreon, as Leafeon is just a... why, it's basically a plant. Well, its genetic structure is that of a plant, which allows it to perform photosynthesis and purify the air around it by sleeping under patches of sunshine. Although it is a pacifist and prefers not to fight, Leafeon has some very good attack, excellent defense and some pretty decent speed. All of its other stats are kinda meh, but if you manage to get a Swords Dance off, you can sweep with Leaf Blade and X-Scissor. Leafeon learns Knock Off, which is handy to make the foe lose its held item, while Synthesis provides some recovery, Baton Pass can be used to pass on the attack boost from Swords Dance to another Pokémon, and Iron Tail provides some very nice coverage against ice and fairy types. Those are all viable options. So what about natures, items and abilities? An Adamant nature isn't bad, but it's not preferred over a Jolly nature. A Choice Band locks Leafeon into using just one move until it is switched out, but it boosts its attack by 50%, while a Life Orb works just as well. Now, Leafeon works best in a sun team, because both of its abilities are only beneficial when the sun is up: Chlorophyll will double its speed, while Leaf Guard prevents it from being afflicted by non-volatile status conditions. So slapping Sunny Day on it might not be a bad idea, either. Additionally, you can even go the (physically) defensive way, but there's Vaporeon and Umbreon for that, so it's kind of unnecessary.

If you gather all Eeveelutions together, the result is a very
colorful bunch. 

Leafeon is definitely a good Pokémon, but Glaceon faces the same problem as Flareon: its stat distribution is not quite right. It has excellent special attack and some pretty good defensive stats, but it doesn't have the speed and HP stats to back them up. It can take a hit, but not exceptionally well, and like Flareon, Glaceon suffers from 'Shallow Movepool Syndrome': the best moves it gets are Ice Beam, Shadow Ball and Signal Beam, but that's about it. Water Pulse and Hidden Power are weaker options with just base 60 power, but I guess Glaceon can pull them off decently with that base 130 special attack. Just make sure you have a Modest-natured one holding the Choice Specs or a Life Orb. Maybe you'd be better off teaching Glaceon Hail, since both its abilities trigger when it's hailing: Snow Cloak raises Glaceon's evasion by 25%, while Ice Body heals a little of its maximum HP every turn. It's a tactic, but it takes time and it's a little bland; just use Vaporeon if you want an Eeveelution with Ice Beam. It's as slow as Glaceon and doesn't hit as hard, but it's bulkier and at least you're sure it'll survive a few hits. Unfortunately, Glaceon's flavor is as bland as its battle strategy. It can freeze its fur and make it stick out like sharp needles, and it is capable of creating ice crystals around it by lowering the temperature of its body and its surroundings. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think that is overly special. I really, really like Glaceon's design a lot, but I don't think I would ever use it; at least not competitively.

Sylveon the dragonslayer.

Finally there's Sylveon, the latest addition to the Eevee family. X and Y introduced Pokémon-Amie, a sort of in-game app that allows you to pet and feed your Pokémon. Play with Eevee for a while and have it gain two affection hearts, and it will evolve when you level it up while it knows a fairy-type move. It'll be worth your while, though, as Sylveon is a beautiful Pokémon with a calm vibe to it, emitting a soothing aura from its ribbon-like feelers to calm fights. Of course, Sylveon is very affectionate towards you because you played with it in Pokémon-Amie, so it has the tendency to wrap its feelers around its Trainer's arms and walk with them. Sylveon is based on a sylph, a mythological spirit described as invisible beings of the air, which is why it received the brand new fairy typing. The fairy type has become infamous for its advantage over dragon types, being super effective on and completely immune to them. That's also what makes Sylveon so incredibly popular, along with the fact that it's capable of learning Psyshock, a well-liked move that deals physical damage using the user's special attack. Throw in a Modest nature, the moves Shadow Ball, Moonblast and either Hidden Power or Calm Mind with Choice Specs or a Life Orb, respectively, and it'll be tough to take down, especially on the special side of the spectrum. A Timid nature is an option, but Sylveon isn't very fast in the first place, and you want to max out that delicious special attack. As its special defense is by far its best stat, you could also run the Wish/Protect combo, although Vaporeon is generally better-suited for that, as it has more HP (even though Sylveon's base 95 HP isn't bad in the slightest).

Oh, one more thing: Cute Charm is a bad ability; you definitely want its hidden ability Pixilate, which turns all normal-type moves it uses into fairy-type moves. That works well with Hyper Voice, turning it into a STAB move for Sylveon that goes right through Substitute. It's weaker than Moonblast by only five base points, but it does get a boost from Pixilate, so it certainly pays off!

Very glittery and fancy fan art of the Eeveelutions, with Sylveon in the forefront.

In the end, not all Eeveelutions are equally good, but at least everyone has a favorite one. As I already stated, mine is Flareon, even though it is not the best battler out there. Besides, Eevee is so goddamn cute that it almost kills me. And yes, I know I'm a guy and all, but I have a thing for amazingly cute Pokémon, okay? So leave me be. Anyway, the fact that Eevee evolves into eight different Pokémon (obviously not at the same time) makes it one of the most unique Pokémon to date. And I have the feeling that the developers at Game Freak aren't done with Eevee yet, because I'm wondering whether Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon will contain brand new Eeveelutions as well, even though this whole sun-and-moon concept has been done with Espeon and Umbreon before (and again with Solrock and Lunatone). Then again, new Eeveelutions might be entirely unrelated to the games' storyline.

Okay, what the hell am I doing? We know absolutely nothing about the new games, only that they were announced a short while ago. It's way too early to speculate about games that won't be released until next winter, which is still nine months away, ha ha ha. Damn. Anyhow, all I know is that Eevee and the existing Eeveelutions are definitely some of my favorite Pokémon, because of their designs and uniqueness. You probably won't be surprised I'm giving all of them a perfect rating.

AND NOW I'M DONE FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING MONTH, GODDAMMIT! (Just kidding.)

Rating: 5/5