#66 - #68: Machop, Machoke & Machamp

Fan art of a brave little Machop.

The following Pokémon are probably the strongest Pokémon in existence. And with that I don't mean that they have the highest attack stats in the game or something.

No, Machop can carry multiple times its own weight with muscles that never tire or cramp. Machoke's muscles are even as hard as steel and it is capable of lifting extremely heavy objects with just one finger. Just imagine what it could do without the freaking belt it is wearing, because that thing regulates Machoke's strength. However, the strength of Machop and Machoke combined is nothing compared to Machamp's. Brace yourselves, because it's gonna get crazy: Machamp can MOVE AN ENTIRE GODDAMN MOUNTAIN WITH JUST ONE HAND!!! Can you imagine a bodybuilder Pokémon of barely five feet tall moving Mount Everest? Well, apparently Machamp can do that. Never mind the five hundred punches per second it can throw at somebody, or the strength with which it swings its foe far over the horizon; it can move a mountain 5,530 times its own height. Now that is a fighting-type Pokémon with an interesting flavor. Machamp is so different from Primeape, who can only start rampaging for absolutely nothing, and Poliwrath, who doesn't even have any distinctive features aside from being able to swim fast. The only downside to Machamp is that it is all brawn and no brains, as it cannot handle delicate work without its four arms becoming tangled and it rushes into action without thinking.

Fan art of a fierce and fearsome Machamp.

Machamp, who can be female despite its name (which is derived from macho, a Spanish term for 'overly masculine' or 'chauvinist'), is a great Pokémon to use competitively. Its 130 base attack nowhere near meets its flavor text, but it is still nothing to sneeze at. Like, at all. Its decent HP and defenses allow him to take a few hits, especially when it is holding an Assault Vest. That is necessary, because Machamp isn't the fastest Pokémon in the world. It comes with at least two great abilities: No Guard, which lets all of Machamp and its opponent's moves land despite move accuracy, and Guts, which boosts its attack stat when it has a status ailment. The first lets Machamp land a Dynamic Punch, which normally has 50% accuracy but always confuses the target when it hits, with no problem at all. That could be handy, as Machamp receives STAB from it, while the confusion can gain him some extra turns. When you run a Guts Machamp, you'd do wise to replace Dynamic Punch with Close Combat and attach a Flame Orb or Toxic Orb to Machamp instead of a Life Orb, Choice Band or Assault Vest. You could keep either of the latter three, but if you do that it won't get a Guts boost until it has a static ailment, which would be completely situational and might not work out in your favor. By giving Machamp a Toxic or Flame Orb, you can poison or burn it (these status conditions only cause a little damage each turn, while the attack drop from the burn is negated because of Guts) and prevent paralysis and sleep.

Such a macho family, innit? From left to right: Machamp (final evo), Machop (basic
stage), and Machoke (middle stage).

Now, as for the moves Machamp learns, there is one weird thing. You see, the Pokédex classifies Machamp and its pre-evolutions as 'Superpower Pokémon', which isn't even a lie; these creatures are crazy strong. The thing is, however, that they cannot learn the move Superpower naturally. They learn a wide arrange of fighting-type moves that perfectly fit them, and ORAS even gave them the dragon-type move Dual Chop to boast about, but to learn Superpower they need the intervention of a Move Tutor. And such a person isn't even present in every core-series game, mind you. Not that Superpower is such a useful move if you have Close Combat on Machamp, but it's such a pity it doesn't learn the one move that really defines it flavor...

Well, whatever. The rest of its movepool consists of much better moves, anyway. First off, you should definitely teach it Knock Off, which deals double its base damage (65) if the opponent is holding an item. That's a clean 130 damage right there. The elemental punches can come in handy as well, but Ice Punch is the handiest due to dragon types. As so many Pokémon, Machamp can learn Earthquake, Poison Jab and Stone Edge, the latter of which is nice in combination with its ability No Guard, as it has fairly low accuracy. As for punching moves, Machamp can learn the fighting-type move Focus Punch, as well as the weaker steel-type move Bullet Punch for priority, but Game Freak are yet to give him Mach Punch (also for priority) and Drain Punch (for some reliable recovery), both of which are fighting-type moves. This is tiring, Game Freak. Do your goddamn job.

Machoke (left) and Machamp (right) trying to build a fragile Pokémon TCG card
house without ruining it with their super strength, while Machop is watching on
Machoke's back. 

The Machop line are an interesting bunch, to say the least. They're probably the most humanoid Pokémon out there, along with Smoochum and Jynx, Hariyama, Hitmonchan, and the Gothita line. Mime players and clowns freak me out, so don't even dare mention Mr. Mime. (Oh shit, now I did that. Just great.) Anyhow, rating this Pokémon wasn't an easy job. I love these Pokémon, but there are so many flaws in their designs (what are the red stripes on Machoke supposed to be, and why doesn't Machamp have them; and why does Machoke have a purplish color, while Machop and Machamp are gray?), and there are so many things in the game that fail to connotate with their flavor texts (like Superpower and those fighting-type punching moves), that I have to deduct at least one star from my original rating. Too bad.

Rating: 3.5/5

#60 - #62, #186: Poliwag, Poliwhirl, Poliwrath & Politoed

The round form of Poliwag makes it somewhat cute and cuddly.

Tadpoles, my ass...

Alright then, I'll admit that Poliwag is a tadpole. And quite honestly, it is a creepy tadpole at that, because the spiral pattern on its belly is supposed to represent how the intestines of real-life tadpoles are sometimes seen through their transparent skins. Gross. I'm not particularly fond of slimy amphibian things in the first place, but that gets even worse when their intestines are clearly visible. One could call such a phenomenon fascinating, but I'm not buying it. What I'm also not buying is the whole Poliwhirl-being-a-tadpole thing. You know, when Poliwag evolves into Poliwhirl, the tail disappears and arms and hands (with what are supposedly gloves attached to it) are added, which really makes me think Poliwhirl isn't supposed to be a tadpole anymore, even though it is still a middle-stage Pokémon and the spiral pattern, still resembling intestines, remains. Admittedly, due to their round bodies and big eyes, both Poliwag and Poliwhirl have a somewhat adorable appearance, which might make one argue that both are tadpoles. But I refuse to believe that one of Poliwhirl's final evolutions, Poliwrath, is a tadpole. It's a grown-ass frog, goddammit!

The Gen. I Poliwag evolution line: Poliwag (middle, standing on
top of Poliwhirl's hand), Poliwhirl (left) and Poliwrath (right).

Poliwrath, which can be obtained by exposing Poliwhirl to a Water Stone, doesn't differ all that much from its pre-evolution, but there are several features that will make you go, 'THAT THING IS NOT A GODDAMN TADPOLE!' (Yes, it bothers me; can you tell?) The angry eyes that bulge from its head like a grown frog, for instance. Or its fierce stance. Its muscular body. The arms and the gloved hands. Its weight (119 pounds) and height (4'03"). Its typing. Indeed, on top of its primary water typing, Poliwrath gains the fighting type upon evolution. It even swims faster than the best human champion swimmers and is able to swim back and forth across the Pacific Ocean without much effort. I don't know much about frogs and tadpoles, but tadpoles can't fight and swim like Poliwrath can; that I know for sure. Then again, anything is possible in the Pokémon world, but even when I take that into account I still don't see a tadpole in Poliwrath. I'm sorry that I'm nagging on about this whole tadpole thing, but it bothers me so much that I had to put it out there. If anything, Poliwhirl and Poliwrath are based on glass frogs, a frog species whose organs are - you guessed it - clearly visible through its transparent skin. I still think that's nasty, though.

The entire Poli family: Poliwag (top right, on top of the square-shaped Poké Ball
box Poliwhirl is balancing on its fist), Poliwhirl (right), Poliwrath (back) and
Politoed (left). No, the crown is not naturally a part of Politoed, but a reference to
its status as a king among the Polis as well as its evolution method.

Enough about that; there is another evolution to discuss! That would be Politoed, who couldn't look any more different from Poliwhirl, but does have the most logical evolution if we maintain the whole tadpole-to-frog thing. While obtaining Poliwrath is easy, the method to obtain a Politoed (who is classified as the 'Frog Pokémon' by the Pokédex, thank the heavens above) is a lot more complicated. It requires the item King's Rock, which is not only harder to find in most games, but also doesn't just evolve Poliwhirl into Politoed. You'll have to have Poliwhirl hold the item and trade it to another game of the same generation. That only works if you have two 3DSs or a friend who is willing to trade with you. Poliwhirl may be the first Pokémon we come across that requires trading to evolve it, but it will definitely not be the last. It's an annoying evolution method for sure, especially if you're dependent on a friend who plays Pokémon as well, so the question is, 'Does it pay off?'

Old-ass official art of Politoed.

Why yes, it does. I mean... whether you like Politoed or not is a matter of taste, but it is undeniable a good Pokémon, especially when you have the right ability on it. Water Absorb, which makes Politoed absorb all water-type moves and regain some of its health, is better than Damp, which negates self-destructing moves like Self-Destruct and Explosion completely, but both are situational. Politoed's hidden ability Drizzle, which makes it rain in battle, is what you want for this Pokémon. The rain does not only boost water-type moves, it also decreases the power fire-type moves and extends the charge-up time for moves like Solar Beam. Due to its decent bulk and special attack, Politoed is often used as a support Pokémon in the competitive scene, with support moves like Encore (to lock the opponent in an undesirable move), Toxic or Hypnosis (to badly poison the foe or put it to sleep), Rest (for reliable recovery on Politoed itself) and even Perish Song (to prevent last-minute sweepers from setting up, as this move causes everyone present on the field to faint within three turns). Have it hold a Damp Rock and the rain will last for eight turns instead of five. For in-game purposes, you can go for an all-offensive Politoed. With its nice special attack stat, it can make use of moves like Scald, Surf, Ice Beam, Psychic, Focus Blast and even Mud Bomb (learned as a Poliwhirl), if you really want a ground-type move as coverage.

Official art of Poliwrath by Ken Sugimori.

Poliwrath, on the other hand, is a physical attacker. Prior to X and Y, it wasn't much of a physical attacker though, despite its muscular appearance. Thankfully, it has gotten a boost in its base attack stat, which is now 95. That is not bad to work with. This time, however, one of its regular abilities, Water Absorb, is the best ability to rock out with. Swift Swim, which doubles Poliwrath's speed when it's raining on the field, is a nice ability when you're running a rain team, but otherwise stick with Water Absorb and invest EVs in its HP and defenses to create some bulk. A Choice Band or Life Orb boosts its physical attacks such as Waterfall (STAB), Brick Break (STAB), Rock Slide, Earthquake, Poison Jab and Ice Punch. Focus Punch and Dynamic Punch look cool, but the former only works in combination with Substitute and the latter has terrible accuracy. Circle Throw, which forces the opponent to switch out, can come in handy though, especially if you want to prevent the opponent from setting up. Smogon also suggests a special attacker, but why would you do that if Poliwrath's physical attack and physical movepool is so much better?

It's just a shame that both Poliwrath and Politoed have had to give up some of their speed in exchange for a little extra bulk, which prevents them from really becoming sweepers. That's not a big deal in Politoed's case, because it looks a little bit like a support Pokémon, but Poliwrath looks like it should beat your opponents to hell and back. Believe it or not: despite the whole rant about Poliwrath not being a tadpole and everything, I really like this Pokémon. Politoed as well, even though I don't understand why it differs so much from the other Polis.

Rating Poliwrath: 4.5/5

Rating Politoed: 4/5

#56 - #57: Mankey & Primeape

The wild Mankey who stole Ash's hat in the anime episode
"Primeape Goes Bananas"; season 1, episode 25. Ash would
later catch it (as a Primeape).

Next up on my list are the monkey/pig hybrid things that go by the names of Mankey and Primeape.

Oh wait, the Pokédex says they're 'Pig Monkey Pokémon'.

Details... They're a combination between a monkey and a pig (which is anatomically impossible in real life), so it doesn't really matter whether Mankey and Primeape are called monkey pigs or pig monkeys. You know what I'm talking about either way. And it's still a fact that Mankey are some of the most agressive and short-tempered Pokémon you've ever seen in your life. If one Mankey gets livid, the whole goddamn colony rampages for no reason. Talk about throwing a tantrum. And when a Mankey loses sight of its colony, its loneliness causes it to become infuriated; it begins shaking and its breathing turns rough. That is easily demonstrated by a Mankey that becomes angry with Ash when he tries to catch it, resulting in the Mankey beating up Ash and stealing his hat. Then *blah blah blah* Team Rocket tries to steal Pikachu *blah blah* James kicks Mankey *blah blah* causes it to evolve into Primeape *blah blah blah* beats them up *blah blah* beats up Brock and chases Ash *blah blah blah* Ash's Charmander defeats it and Ash catches it *blah blah* unleashes it on Team Rocket *blah blah*. Y'know, the usual stuff.

Mankey (left) with Ash's first hat balancing on its tail, and Primeape with its
ever-so-recognizable stress mark on the left side of its forehead.

But Mankey are sweet little fluff balls compared to Primeape. The latter's blood circulation becomes more robust when they become furious, which makes their muscles stronger. They go bananas even if someone or something only makes eye contact with them, and they will chase anyone who (or anything that) enrages them. That is also the case with Ash's Primeape, who was mischievous, vicious, extremely violent, out of control all of the time and easily angered. This caused Ash to reconsider using Primeape in battles multiple times, until they came across a man called Anthony and the P1 Grand Prix, a battle tournament in which only fighting-type Pokémon could participate. This competition caused Ash and Primeape to bond a little, but Ash didn't hesitate to leave Primeape with Anthony, who would train Primeape to be a P1 champion.

Fan art of a furious Primeape. 

But these characteristics should result in a capable Pokémon to use in the video games, right? Well, sort of. Its defenses are really mediocre and its HP stat doesn't help either, but its attack and speed are actually quite good. Primeape sits in Smogon's NU tier and its strength and speed can be taken advantage of by giving it a Choice Band or Choice Scarf, which raises its attack or speed by 50%, respectively. In combination with Primeape's ability Anger Point, which maximizes its attack stat when the opponent gets a critical hit on it, it can hit hard and fast. Its hidden ability Defiant, which sharply raises its attack when another stat is lowered, is more reliable though, as the use of Anger Point is somewhat situational. Other items, like a Life Orb, Expert Belt or Black Belt, are viable options as well, especially in combination with Primeape's main STAB move Close Combat (that move does lower its defenses though, so watch out). And with coverage moves such as Earthquake, Stone Edge, Poison Jab, U-Turn (to quickly get out of unfavorable situations), the elemental punches, Gunk Shot, Acrobatics, Seed Bomb and even Iron Tail and Outrage you just can't go wrong; just pick whatever moves you think you might need. An Encore set, which Primeape can use to lock the opponent in the move it last uses, isn't unheard of, either.

I really can't get enough of this beautiful kind of (modified) official art. 

The only thing about Primeape is that, apart from its flavor as a short-tempered and violent monkey, it doesn't really stand out in comparison with other fighting types. Stronger, bulkier fighting-type Pokémon like Machamp, Hariyama and Conkeldurr are often used in favor of Primeape, even though the former three are much slower. Its design, although it will always be a crossbreed between a pig and a monkey, isn't all that interesting compared to other Pokémon (not just fighting types), either. I don't hate it though, and using it in a playthrough would be interesting... I think. Either way, I don't hate Primeape and it doesn't deserve a bad rating. It'll be far from a perfect rating, but I would think 3.5 stars is good enough!

Rating: 3.5/5