#137, #233, #474: Porygon, Porygon2 & Porygon-Z

Stills from "Electric Soldier Porygon" (which
is actually not the official English title, but
merely a free translation of the Japanese);
season 1, episode 38. 

Poor, poor Porygon... What has Pikachu done to you?

Porygon made its only major anime appearance in the 38th episode of the first season, in which Ash and his friends meet a mad scientist called Dr. Akihabara, who has to figure out what is wrong with the Poké Ball transporter in the Pokémon Center in Matcha City. Akihabara actually invented the Pokémon Transport System, but contradicts Brock when he says that it could be a computer virus and should use an anti-virus vaccine program. Akihabara suddenly bolts out of the Center upon further investigation into the system, which cause Ash, Misty and Brock to follow him to his lab. There, they are lured into a giant machine called the Human Transporter. Their mission is to physically enter the computer system and stop Team Rocket (obviously!), who have gone into the system by use of one of Akihabara's prototype Porygon and are currently stealing all of the Poké Balls sent to other Trainers by Nurse Joy. Ash and his friends refuse, but Akihabara traps them and sends them into the system along with his other Porygon. Of course, Ash gets the winning hand and Porygon sends Team Rocket 'blasting off again'. Meanwhile, Nurse Joy hired another technician to put the anti-virus vaccine software into the computer, which seeks to exterminate the humans infiltrating it by taking on the form of an actual vaccination syringe. Trying to escape from it on the back of an enlarged Porygon, even saving Team Rocket in the process, Pikachu blows up the missiles the vaccine fired. Naturally, Porygon narrowly escapes from the computer program, but Akihabara's giant laboratory mansion gets destroyed in the process, much to his dismay.

Fan art of Porygon converting into data. Or something. Hey, I
don't know, man. I am not an IT specialist, OK? 

This infamous episode called "Computer Warrior Porygon" or "Cyber Warrior Porygon", more commonly known as "Electric Soldier Porygon" in English-speaking countries, had become highly controversial following the airing in Japan. The flashing red-and-blue images that followed after Pikachu destroys the missiles caused epileptic seizures in over 700 Japanese citizens, more than 600 of them children. The majority of them were hospitalized, while twelve thousand more children reported mild symptoms like nausea and blurred vision rather than grand mal seizures. The episode even gave the anime the infamous title of "Most Photosensitive Epileptic Seizures Caused by a Television Show" from The Guinness Book of World Records. The incident, which has been parodied in popular culture many times later on, was referred to as 'Pokémon Shock' by the Japanese press and had some major consequences. Firstly, the show went on a four-month hiatus, only to come back preceded by a disclaimer cautioning viewers not to sit too close to the screen and to watch only in a brightly-lit room. Japanese television broadcasters and medical officials came together to create guidelines on flashing images in future animated shows. To prevent similar events from reoccurring, Nintendo quickly ordered the episode pulled, and it has not aired anywhere since as a result, not even outside of Japan. And, last but not least, despite the fact that it was actually Pikachu who caused this strobe-light effect, Porygon got the blame and it and its evolutions were never seen in the anime ever again (barring some cameos), in an effort to put the event out of the public's minds and prevent trauma.

Porygon2 was designed for space exploration, even though it
can't actually fly

And that's a shame, because this man-made Pokémon actually has a very interesting flavor to it. Porygon is an artificial Pokémon created due to extensive research and consists entirely of programming code, being able to perform solely what's in its program with basic movements. Built into its code is Silph Co. copy protection DRM, preventing people from duplicating it through electronic means. But whereas Porygon seems to be based on the concept of a digital bird made with primitive 3D graphics software, its evolution Porygon2 (whose name is actually more logical rather than unimaginative, as it is an updated version not unlike some computer software programs, which is represented by the Up-Grade, used to evolve Porygon with) represents the concept of subdivision in 3D computer graphics and seems to be a smoother version of Porygon, made with more advanced 3D graphics software. The head looks like a duck, but it also resembles a drinking bird, which is especially demonstrated in the 3D games (X, Y, Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire) due to it making the same movement as one. Porygon2 was designed and created for the exploration of other planets, but its inability to fly let it fail to measure up. It has been endowed with artificial intelligence that enables it to learn new behaviors and movements that are not in its programming.

Porygon-Z as a corrupted file.

Porygon2 was given additional software in order to increase its abilities (the Dubious Disc, used to evolve Porygon2 into Porygon-Z), initially for traveling through alien dimensions, but an error occurred and Porygon-Z started acting erratically. Its undesirable and unprogrammed behaviors suggest that it may be based on a computer virus having infected Porygon2 or that it is a reference to copyrighted software being patched by users to use all the features but often causing bugs in the program. And a name like Dubious Disc heavily implies that the computer software wasn't authorized by Silph Co. in the first place, which suggests that Porygon-Z is an illegitimate Pokémon. Basically, Porygon-Z is a corrupted digital file, am I right?

Figurines of Porygon (left), Porygon2 (right) and Porygon-Z
(middle).

But a strong one at that, because at a base 135 its special attack is ridiculously high. It has decent speed and medicore defenses, but with the Choice Specs or a Choice Scarf attached to it, as well as a Modest or Timid nature, it can actually beat Pokémon up at high speed. And with attacks like Tri Attack, Psyshock, Discharge, Dark Pulse, Signal Beam, Thunderbolt, Psychic, Shadow Ball and Ice Beam it is perfectly capable of doing that. Ditch the Scarf or Specs for a Life Orb and you can set up with Nasty Plot and Agility, which sharply boost its special attack and speed stats, respectively. And as Tri Attack matches its own type, normal, its ability Adaptability boosts the power of that move even further. Download is unreliable, as it raises Porygon-Z's special attack stat by one stage when the foe's special defense is lower than it defense, and it raises Porygon-Z's attack stat when it's the other way around. Analytic lets Porygon-Z boost its moves if the foe already attacked, but you want Porygon-Z to attack first due to its moderate frailty. You know who might benefit from Analytic? Porygon2.

Porygon (right), Porygon2 (middle) and Porygon-Z (left) in cyberspace.

Porygon2 is not as fast as its evolution by a long shot. Then again, it is used in a completely different way than Porygon-Z, because it is still able to evolve and that makes the Eviolite a very desirable item to use on Porygon2. This item buffs up its decent bulk even more! Add to that a defensive nature like Calm or Bold and the moves Recover and either Toxic or Thunder Wave (with Tri Attack and either Ice Beam or Thunderbolt to complete its moveset), and you'll have an annoying support Pokémon. Its special attack isn't as high as Porygon-Z's, although it is absolutely not bad, but it has a much better utility competitively, at least in my own humble opinion. Porygon2 doesn't have access to Adaptability, however, so you'll have to do with Analytic or maybe even Trace, which is an ability that copies the foe's ability and potentially allows Porygon2 to use that ability against it.

Porygon and its kin are curious Pokémon, especially if you consider that a Pokémon based on computer data was released in 1996 and designed even earlier. It was the era in which computer technology was still in its infancy, at least compared to what's available to us in the present day. I really like this Pokémon, but th^%gfjk*@%^wt%blbrrrrbl-#$$

kgggggg... kgggg... kgggg...

I'm sorry, my opinion got corrupted.

Rating: 4/5

#133 - #136, #196 - #197, #470 - #471, #700: Eevee, Vaporeon, Jolteon, Flareon, Espeon, Umbreon, Leafeon, Glaceon & Sylveon

Y'all bitches better prepare yourselves, 'cause this is going to be one lengthy-ass article. I think. No, definitely.

Today I want to talk about one of my favorite evolution lines in existence: Eevee and its evolutions. They are often affectionately called Eeveelutions by most Pokémon freaks, and from here on out, I will refer to Eevee's evolutions by using this term. Unless, of course, I'm calling the Pokémon by its actual name. Obviously.

Eevee (middle), surrounded by its eight possible evolutions.

So... Eevee. Eevee is a curious Pokémon, being able to evolve into a whopping EIGHT possible Pokémon, which is more than any other Pokémon. Tyrogue is, with three possible evolutions, not even a close second; and if Game Freak had stopped adding new Eeveelutions after Gen. I, Tyrogue would have been tied with Eevee. But Game Freak didn't stop, and after Vaporeon, Jolteon and Flareon we also got Espeon, Umbreon, Leafeon, Glaceon and the recently added Sylveon. The main reason why Eevee is able to evolve into any one of these eight different Pokémon is because it has irregularly shaped DNA that allows it to adapt to many different kinds of environments, changing its appearance and abilities completely in order for it to better suit its surroundings. It all depends on its habitat. Eevee is not like Ditto, who can transfrom into any Pokémon it sees and change back whenever it suits it; Eevee's evolution is permanent and is triggered by fulfilling certain requirements. In Red, Blue and Yellow, evolving Eevee was relatively easy, as Vaporeon, Jolteon and Flareon were obtainable by exposing Eevee to a Water Stone, Thunder Stone or Fire Stone, respectively. After that, it became harder to have Eevee evolve. Espeon and Umbreon can both be obtained by maxing out Eevee's friendship level and then leveling it up during the daytime or nighttime, respectively. Eevee will evolve into either Leafeon or Glaceon by leveling it up near the Moss Rock or Ice Rock, respectively, but this can be hard, as Eevee has often been unobtainable (or the Moss and Ice Rock inaccessible) in the main storyline since Diamond and Pearl. Finally, Gen. VI saw the introduction of Sylveon, who can be obtained by leveling up Eevee while it has a fairy-type move on it and two affection hearts in Pokémon-Amie.

ISN'T THIS THE MOST ADORABLE THING YOU HAVE EVER
SEEN???

Eevee has always been one of the most popular Pokémon, and it seems to be Game Freak's sweetheart as well. In the first, second and fourth generations, as well as FireRed and LeafGreen (Red and Blue remakes), Eevee is given to the player by a non-player character (NPC). In Pokémon XD: Gale of Darkness and Pokémon Conquest, as well as some Mystery Dungeon games, Eevee is the starter Pokémon, while Pokémon Colosseum lets you start with two fully evolved Eeveelutions: Espeon and Umbreon. It's not a surprise that Eevee is so popular: because it is able to evolve into eight different Pokémon of eight different types, it is so diverse that it is impossible not to have at least one favorite Eeveelution. And maybe Eevee itself is one of your favorite Pokémon, just because it's so friggin' adorable. There is an abundance of cute Eevee fan art to be found on the Internet, as well as countless pieces of Eeveelution fan art. And rightfully so, because there is something to be said for any one of the Eeveelutions: Jolteon is the coolest, for example, while Flareon is the cutest, Espeon and Sylveon are the prettiest and Umbreon has the prettiest shiny form.

Look at how savage they are. ROAR!!!

It really helps that each Eeveelution has its own distinct flavor and battle tactics. Vaporeon, for example, has a cell structure that is similar to water molecules, which allows it to melt away and make itself invisible while underwater. It has the ability to control water, and when its fins begin to vibrate, it is a sign that rain will come within a few hours. Because it shares traits with felines and fish, Vaporeon's design may be a visual pun on the catfish, although it may also be inspired by the Telchines of Greek mythology, the original inhabitants of Rhodes. Eevee and its evolutions are even said to be based off of canines, but I personally think they look more feline rather than canine, with the notable exception of Jolteon. Back to Vaporeon. Competitively, Vaporeon has some beefy HP to it, as well as excellent special attack and some pretty damn good special defense. It is therefore often used as a wall, sporting a Bold nature to beef up its mediocre defense, so that it can take physical hits just as well as special ones. Combine it with the ability Water Absorb (nullifies all water-type attacks used on Vaporeon and heals it for 25% of its maximum HP whenever possible), the Leftovers to gain some HP back every turn, the Wish/Protect combo and Heal Bell for some annoying recovery, and Scald for a high chance to burn and thus reduce the impact of physical hits on Vaporeon, and Vaporeon just becomes a pain in the ass. You can also go for an all-out offensive approach; its excellent special attack and access to Ice Beam and other coverage moves like Signal Beam and Shadow Ball leaves it perfectly viable for that.

Awww, Eeveelutions can be cute, too! 

Jolteon, on the other hand, is all about the hit-and-run tactic. It excels in special attack and speed and is therefore more often used as an all-out attacker. A Timid nature, a Life Orb or the Choice Specs as held item and the ability Quick Feet (increases speed when suffering from a non-volatile status condition, although Volt Absorb works great, too) really help it to outspeed most other Pokémon and KO them in one or two hits, especially with moves like Thunderbolt, Volt Switch, Signal Beam and any type of Hidden Power. Jolteon can also learn Shadow Ball, if you find that convenient. Its relatively low HP and defense render it quite frail, though, so watch out. But it's not only its utility in the competitive scene that makes Jolteon a cool Pokémon: its design and flavor are some of the best of the Eeveelutions, in my opinion. Electric-type Pokémon tend to have cool, streamlined designs, and Jolteon is no exception. It is easily sad, angered or startled, and when it is, the hairs of its fur become needles that are fired at its opponents. Every time its mood changes, it accumulates negative ions in the atmosphere to blast out 10,000-volt lightning bolts. Even its cells produce electrical charges, which Jolteon amplifies with the static electricity of its fur and eventually discharges. Because of its feline traits, Jolteon may be based on Raijū, a mythical beast from Japanese mythology whose body is made of thunder and may take the form of a cat.

Fun fact: Jolteon is actually the only Eeveelution with no visible tail.

There is an abundance of cool and cute Eeveelution fan art to be
found on the Internet, but you'll encounter the occasional funny
piece as well. 

But while Jolteon is cool and all, it is not my favorite Eeveelution. Flareon is, and that's because its design comes closest to Eevee of all Eeveelutions. And I love Eevee for its adorableness, so take one guess why I prefer Flareon over all of the others... Exactly, because it's the fluffiest. Its flavor is perfect for that, too, as its fire typing causes it to have a high body temperature up to 1,650°F. That's where its fluffy fur comes into play: it acts as a conductor to release heat into the air, so that Flareon's body doesn't become excessively hot. Its high body temperature is caused by an internal flame sac, which Flareon uses to store and heat inhaled air then exhale it as fire as hot as 3,000°F. This sounds incredibly powerful, but sadly, Flareon isn't such a good competitive battler. It just doesn't seem to have the right stat distribution, because its attack is fantastic and its special defense is really good as well, but everything else just doesn't fit in. It has mediocre HP, defense and speed, which means it is quite frail and will often have to take a hit before it gets the chance to attack, provided that it does get a chance to attack. Its lack of good physical fire-type moves up until Gen. V made it one of the least favorite Eeveelutions to use competitively, which is more than understandable. Thankfully, it got Flare Blitz in Gen. VI, but it deals recoil damage, so watch out with that. As for the rest of its set, Superpower and Quick Attack are must-haves, while Iron Tail can be used to cover rock and fairy types and Substitute may be an option to delay Flareon's downfall. Give it an Adamant nature and give it a Choice Band, or make use of its hidden ability Guts, which increases Flareon's attack by 50% when it has a status condition, and let it hold a Toxic Orb (a Flame Orb won't work, because fire-type Pokémon can't get burned). The Choice Band is the better option, but because of the lack of good physical moves and its poor stat distribution, Flareon sucks ass in the competitive scene. It breaks my heart to say that, but yeah...

More Eeveelution fan art. 

Luckily, we have Espeon, who has about the same hit-and-run tactic like Jolteon. Blessed with excellent special attack and very good speed, Espeon is a great Pokémon to use in the UU tier. It has access to Psychic, Dazzling Gleam and Shadow Ball, as well as Signal Beam, Grass Knot and Morning Sun for some instant recovery, just for convenience. A Timid nature and the Choice Specs or Choice Scarf (a Life Orb if you want to add Calm Mind to Espeon's moveset) are recommended, as is its ability Magic Bounce, which reflects all status moves that would otherwise disadvantage Espeon back to the opponent. Hah, try to Thunder Wave me now, bitch! Synchronize, which causes the opponent to get the same status condition they gave to Espeon, seems nice, but you're better off with Magic Bounce. Espeon seems like a magical Pokémon in the first place, and that's not that far from the truth. Espeon uses the fine hairs of the velvety fur that covers its body to sense and read air currents, so that it can predict the future, the weather and an opponent's movements, while its forked tail quivers when it does that. Espeon appears to be based on the nekomata, also known as bake-neko, which are mysterious and intelligent fork-tailed cats. Ancient writings describe the nekomata as having 'eyes like a cat and a body like a dog', which could explain why Espeon looks feline as well as canine. Espeon is a light-hearted and loyal Pokémon, other than Umbreon (who was introduced in Gen. II alongside Espeon), who has kind of a dark personality.

Shiny Umbreon has blue rings and yellow eyes instead of yellow
rings and red eyes. I think it's very fancy. 

That is not exactly surprising, as Umbreon is a dark-type Pokémon. Being completely black, it can make itself perfectly invisible during nighttime, although the yellow rings on its fur glow faintly when it is exposed to the moon's aura (which is how it evolved in the first place) or when it gets exceptionally excited. It's also a defense mechanism that strikes fear into the hearts anyone nearby, and whenever it is agitated it sprays a poisonous sweat to keep the foe at bay. Its flavor suggests that Umbreon takes on more of a defensive tactic, and that is exactly what it is about. Provided with excellent defenses and some pretty good HP, Umbreon acts as a tank and is usually a pain to take down. Its attacking stats are really poor, though, but it doesn't need them, so don't worry. The Wish/Protect combo is a common tactic that makes Moonlight for instant recovery kinda useless, but it has Heal Bell to cure status conditions and Foul Play to deal some good damage, using the foe's attack stat against them rather than using its own. That way, it doesn't even matter if you're running a Calm, Careful, Impish or Bold nature; any of those is completely fine for it. Of course, the Leftovers are the obvious held item for it, but this time you'd do better to run Synchronize, as Inner Focus only prevents Umbreon from flinching. That seems nice, but it is purely situational and Umbreon can take a hit just fine, anyway. I just can't get over the fact that it looks a little like a hare or a rabbit (the ears!), which is why it could be based on East Asian folklores concerning a moon rabbit.

Why is it so HARD to pick fan art for this article? This one is
totally cute, though.

The Gen. IV additions work a little bit differently from Espeon and Umbreon, as Leafeon is just a... why, it's basically a plant. Well, its genetic structure is that of a plant, which allows it to perform photosynthesis and purify the air around it by sleeping under patches of sunshine. Although it is a pacifist and prefers not to fight, Leafeon has some very good attack, excellent defense and some pretty decent speed. All of its other stats are kinda meh, but if you manage to get a Swords Dance off, you can sweep with Leaf Blade and X-Scissor. Leafeon learns Knock Off, which is handy to make the foe lose its held item, while Synthesis provides some recovery, Baton Pass can be used to pass on the attack boost from Swords Dance to another Pokémon, and Iron Tail provides some very nice coverage against ice and fairy types. Those are all viable options. So what about natures, items and abilities? An Adamant nature isn't bad, but it's not preferred over a Jolly nature. A Choice Band locks Leafeon into using just one move until it is switched out, but it boosts its attack by 50%, while a Life Orb works just as well. Now, Leafeon works best in a sun team, because both of its abilities are only beneficial when the sun is up: Chlorophyll will double its speed, while Leaf Guard prevents it from being afflicted by non-volatile status conditions. So slapping Sunny Day on it might not be a bad idea, either. Additionally, you can even go the (physically) defensive way, but there's Vaporeon and Umbreon for that, so it's kind of unnecessary.

If you gather all Eeveelutions together, the result is a very
colorful bunch. 

Leafeon is definitely a good Pokémon, but Glaceon faces the same problem as Flareon: its stat distribution is not quite right. It has excellent special attack and some pretty good defensive stats, but it doesn't have the speed and HP stats to back them up. It can take a hit, but not exceptionally well, and like Flareon, Glaceon suffers from 'Shallow Movepool Syndrome': the best moves it gets are Ice Beam, Shadow Ball and Signal Beam, but that's about it. Water Pulse and Hidden Power are weaker options with just base 60 power, but I guess Glaceon can pull them off decently with that base 130 special attack. Just make sure you have a Modest-natured one holding the Choice Specs or a Life Orb. Maybe you'd be better off teaching Glaceon Hail, since both its abilities trigger when it's hailing: Snow Cloak raises Glaceon's evasion by 25%, while Ice Body heals a little of its maximum HP every turn. It's a tactic, but it takes time and it's a little bland; just use Vaporeon if you want an Eeveelution with Ice Beam. It's as slow as Glaceon and doesn't hit as hard, but it's bulkier and at least you're sure it'll survive a few hits. Unfortunately, Glaceon's flavor is as bland as its battle strategy. It can freeze its fur and make it stick out like sharp needles, and it is capable of creating ice crystals around it by lowering the temperature of its body and its surroundings. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think that is overly special. I really, really like Glaceon's design a lot, but I don't think I would ever use it; at least not competitively.

Sylveon the dragonslayer.

Finally there's Sylveon, the latest addition to the Eevee family. X and Y introduced Pokémon-Amie, a sort of in-game app that allows you to pet and feed your Pokémon. Play with Eevee for a while and have it gain two affection hearts, and it will evolve when you level it up while it knows a fairy-type move. It'll be worth your while, though, as Sylveon is a beautiful Pokémon with a calm vibe to it, emitting a soothing aura from its ribbon-like feelers to calm fights. Of course, Sylveon is very affectionate towards you because you played with it in Pokémon-Amie, so it has the tendency to wrap its feelers around its Trainer's arms and walk with them. Sylveon is based on a sylph, a mythological spirit described as invisible beings of the air, which is why it received the brand new fairy typing. The fairy type has become infamous for its advantage over dragon types, being super effective on and completely immune to them. That's also what makes Sylveon so incredibly popular, along with the fact that it's capable of learning Psyshock, a well-liked move that deals physical damage using the user's special attack. Throw in a Modest nature, the moves Shadow Ball, Moonblast and either Hidden Power or Calm Mind with Choice Specs or a Life Orb, respectively, and it'll be tough to take down, especially on the special side of the spectrum. A Timid nature is an option, but Sylveon isn't very fast in the first place, and you want to max out that delicious special attack. As its special defense is by far its best stat, you could also run the Wish/Protect combo, although Vaporeon is generally better-suited for that, as it has more HP (even though Sylveon's base 95 HP isn't bad in the slightest).

Oh, one more thing: Cute Charm is a bad ability; you definitely want its hidden ability Pixilate, which turns all normal-type moves it uses into fairy-type moves. That works well with Hyper Voice, turning it into a STAB move for Sylveon that goes right through Substitute. It's weaker than Moonblast by only five base points, but it does get a boost from Pixilate, so it certainly pays off!

Very glittery and fancy fan art of the Eeveelutions, with Sylveon in the forefront.

In the end, not all Eeveelutions are equally good, but at least everyone has a favorite one. As I already stated, mine is Flareon, even though it is not the best battler out there. Besides, Eevee is so goddamn cute that it almost kills me. And yes, I know I'm a guy and all, but I have a thing for amazingly cute Pokémon, okay? So leave me be. Anyway, the fact that Eevee evolves into eight different Pokémon (obviously not at the same time) makes it one of the most unique Pokémon to date. And I have the feeling that the developers at Game Freak aren't done with Eevee yet, because I'm wondering whether Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon will contain brand new Eeveelutions as well, even though this whole sun-and-moon concept has been done with Espeon and Umbreon before (and again with Solrock and Lunatone). Then again, new Eeveelutions might be entirely unrelated to the games' storyline.

Okay, what the hell am I doing? We know absolutely nothing about the new games, only that they were announced a short while ago. It's way too early to speculate about games that won't be released until next winter, which is still nine months away, ha ha ha. Damn. Anyhow, all I know is that Eevee and the existing Eeveelutions are definitely some of my favorite Pokémon, because of their designs and uniqueness. You probably won't be surprised I'm giving all of them a perfect rating.

AND NOW I'M DONE FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING MONTH, GODDAMMIT! (Just kidding.)

Rating: 5/5

#132: Ditto

GIF of two Ditto (one of them is shiny) transforming into Dawn's
Piplup and Ash's Pikachu. 

And then we have this thing.

Ditto is the abomination of the first generation. It was designed for absolutely no purpose other than being a gimmicky Pokémon. Being able to rearrange its entire cellular structure, Ditto can transform into any Pokémon it sees. This gimmick is actually pretty pointless, because it envelops a tactic that doesn't really work at all. Ditto only knows the move Transorm and can't learn anything else, and until the fourth generation, transforming into the Pokémon of your liking took up an entire turn. But even with its hidden ability Imposter, Ditto is still not a good Pokémon to use. Here's my problem: if Ditto changes into the opponent's Pokémon, it gains the opponent's species, typing, moves (all have only 5 PP after using Transform), ability, stats (except for HP), EV investment, EV yield, catch rate, possible stat modifications and possible Mega evolution, right? But to counter Blastoise with Blastoise or Bisharp with Bisharp makes no sense, as water resists water and steel resists steel, while countering Mismagius with Mismagius or Salamence with Salamence isn't beneficial either, because both ghost and dragon are super effective against themselves. Even when you copy an attack that is super effective on the opponent, the opponent will have that same super-effective move on Ditto as well. And with such low base HP and basically no PP on its copied moves, Ditto is almost always the first to go down.

Ditto, the whore of the Pokémon world.

Thankfully, Ditto has actually been useful from Gen. II onward, because it is used for breeding. You see, Ditto is nothing more than a dirty ho, and it will fuck anything to produce offspring without having the goodwill to pay child support. It doesn't even have the decency to go to some sort of Red Light District; it just does it in a goddamn day care. That's utterly redonkulous! All jokes aside though, you can have almost any Pokémon breed with Ditto to produce eggs. Those eggs will always contain the species you let breed with Ditto, as it is impossible to obtain an egg that contains a Ditto. Most of the time, this is what Ditto is used for in the first place: many Trainers use it for breeding in order to obtain Pokémon of other species with perfect IVs and their preferred natures and abilities. Of course, this is only possible because of Ditto's ability to transform into anything it sees. Strangely, Transform is not its signature move, as there is one other Pokémon that can learn it naturally: Mew. Ditto doesn't only have that in common with Mew, either: they have the same coloration for their regular appearances, the same shiny coloration, the same weight (8.8 pounds), perfectly balanced base stats (Ditto's at 48, Mew's at 100) and no gender.

There is a popular fan theory roaming around on the Internet that says Ditto is a failed attempt at cloning Mew, as in Pokémon Yellow there are Ditto to be found in the Pokémon Mansion on Cinnabar Island and Cerulean Cave. That mansion is where several experiments with Mew and Mewtwo were carried out, and the cave is the place where Mewtwo can be found and caught. This theory is not confirmed, however, and these kinds of speculations don't have anything useful to add to Ditto's flavor.

Stills from "Ditto's Mysterious Mansion"; season 1, episode 37.
Duplica's Ditto doesn't seem to have perfected the art of
transforming, so it seems. Its attempts to properly transform into
Pikachu, Voltorb, Bulbasaur and Machoke, respectively, all
failed.

Speaking of which, Ditto is excruciatingly boring. Its design is nothing more than a pink blob and all of its Pokédex entries come down to the same damn thing: it can copy the foe's genetic code and reconstruct its own cellular structure to transform into any foe that stands in front it. There is one notable exception in Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald's entries, as they state that Ditto may get some details wrong when relying solely on its memory to transform into a Pokémon (or an inanimate object, for that matter). The anime demonstrated that some Ditto can't even properly transform into something that stands before it. In "Ditto's Mysterious Mansion", Ash and his friends come across a girl called Duplica (I'm not lying, that's the chick's actual name), who wants to be a Ditto master and a star in performing. Much to her dismay, though, her Ditto isn't capable of mirroring other Pokémon's faces correctly. But when Team Rocket abduct Ditto and threaten to hurt it if it doesn't do what they want, Ditto transforms into an exact replica of Meowth, which leaves Duplica thoroughly ecstatic after she and the rest come to Ditto's rescue.

I don't like Ditto. Except for the sole purpose of breeding, it is absolutely pointless: its design is very unimaginative, it's a terrible battler and it can't even be used as an HM slave. And if you want a Ditto with perfect IVs, you'd better go looking for hacked Powersaves Ditto, because obtaining a legit one is extremely hard. I don't hate Ditto, but I'd lie if I told you that I'm not at least a little bit bothered by its existence. It's by far not as terrible as Lickilicky and Mr. Mime, two horrendous Pokémon I already discussed before, but still...

Rating: 1.5/5

#128: Tauros

Eh. Is it bad that I forgot that this Pokémon existed at all?

Tauros is one of those Pokémon that are easily forgotten, and I think it just crept into the limbo area of my memory; you know, that area in which you put all of those things you forget or want to forget, never for them to return. Okay, let me get this straight: it's not that I had completely forgotten that Tauros is a thing - in fact, I've known it was there all along - but it's such a generic and uneventful Pokémon.

Official Sugimori art of Tauros.

Honestly, you can't be that surprised about that. In the 35th episode of the first season of the anime, "The Legend of Dratini" (Dratini's Japanese name is Miniryū (ミニリュウ), but most non-Japanese people obviously use its English name), Ash catches a horde of exactly thirty Tauros in the Safari Zone. But even though the American voice-over actors actually recorded the episode, the network deemed the episode too violent and offensive due to the frequent use of firearms. Of course, that left a major plot hole that confused many viewers and left them wondering as to when, where, how and why Ash caught these Tauros in the first place. It doesn't really help that Tauros's design is somewhat bland and that its Pokédex entries seem to be copied from those of other Pokémon. Tauros is a violent and rowdy Pokémon that easily gets angry, and it is not the first. On the contrary, it isn't even satisfied unless it is rampaging. Once Tauros starts charging, it is unable to stop until it hits something (Rhyhorn, anyone?). It locks horns with others of its kind to prove its strength, and the herd's protector will take pride in the battle scars, but this would not be the first case of rivalry among a certain species. Tauros also looks like a regular bull, but with three tails instead of just one. Okay, it uses those to whip itself in order to incite itself, but that is hardly something worth mentioning.

Now, this is an interesting take on Tauros. Pretty funny fan art.

So, what really defines Tauros is its competitive use, then? Well no, not really. Why, it cannot be denied that Tauros can be a good Pokémon, because its attack and speed are excellent and its defensive stats are pretty decent. Game Freak provided Tauros with three possible abilities, and all have their uses: Intimidate lowers the opponent's attack stat when Tauros is switched in, Anger Point maximizes Tauros's attack stat when it is hit by a critical hit (somewhat situational and kinda risky, but if you manage to pull it off, you're set), and its hidden ability Sheer Force removes additional effects of moves and strengthens those. If you want to go all-offensive, the latter might be the best option, especially if you consider Rock Climb. Tauros can only learn this STAB normal-type move in Diamond, Pearl and Platinum, but it's just a matter of transferring it to your current 3DS game (X, Y, ORAS) via Pokémon Black or White. Watch out, because Rock Climb only has 85% accuracy. Complete the set with the moves Zen Headbutt, Earthquake and Rock Slide, a Jolly nature and a held item (Life Orb, Choice Scarf, Choice Band, whatever), and you're ready to go. Tauros can learn Iron Head, Iron Tail, Wild Charge, Stone Edge and Outrage as well, but you probably won't need 'em.

Fan art of a surfing Tauros. And yes, for some reason, Tauros can learn Surf
in-game. I didn't even know bulls could swim? 

By the way, I'll have you know that I'm using Smogon as a backup for writing my recommendations, and I notice that it's common to use a Naive Tauros with either Flamethrower or Fire Blast. This is pretty silly though, because Tauros's special attack is absolutely atrocious and should not be used whatsoever, and if you ever need a fire-type move, there are a lot of special-based fire-type Pokémon that can pull it off a lot better than Tauros can.

Also, it might be an interesting thing for y'all to know that Tauros's name comes from Kentauros (ケンタロス), its Japanese name, which itself derives from the Greek κένταυρος, meaning 'centaur'. Centaurs are creatures with the upper body of a human and the lower body of a horse, which Tauros definitely isn't. It is based on ταυρος and taurus instead, Greek and Latin for 'bull', respectively. Additionally, Taurus and Centaurus are both large-sky constellations representing a bull and a centaur, respectively. Too bad Game Freak never did anything with its name origin... But, well, although I think Tauros is kind of an boring and unimaginative Pokémon, I don't hate the thing at all.

Rating: 3/5

#115: Kangaskhan

Mother hen and her cute little baby.

Remember the Zimbabwean lion Cecil, who was killed last year by a guy named Walter Palmer, an American dentist who kills big game just for sport?

Yeah, apparently mankind is as cruel in the Pokémon world as in real life.

You see, Kangaskhan were nearly hunted to extinction, until somebody was so smart to pass a bill that stated that they should be protected. And they are being protected now, but they are a very rare species only found in the Safari Zone. Well, that was the case in Red, Blue and Yellow at least; in later games you could still find them in one area or another, even though their encounter rate was still somewhat low (never higher than 10%). And considering Kangaskhan will always protect the baby in its pouch at all costs, even sleeping standing up so as to not crush its young, it is plausible to think that it was rather difficult to hunt, equal to the Big Five (a term coined by big-game hunters to refer to the African lion, Cape buffalo, African leopard, African elephant and black and white rhinoceros, for their difficulty to hunt on foot). It's interesting how some Pokémon's characteristics are serious fodder for discussion, as they sometimes represent issues that are problematic in the real world as well. In the case of hunting, they show how cruel, rotten and corrupt humans can sometimes be; in other cases, such as pollution, they show how neglectful, ignorant and selfish humans mostly are. It definitely leaves some food for thought...

Official art of Mega Kangaskhan by Ken Sugimori. Only the
child's appearance has changed; it looks more like its mother now,
including its eyes, armor-like patches on its knees and spiky tail.

Anyway, Kangaskhan. Its name is a contraction of kangaroo and Genghis Khan, the founder of the Mongol Empire, despite the species being exclusively female. On the other hand, Kangaskhan's design shows some elements of Mongolian laminar armor, so combine that with how violently protective Kangaskhan is of its child and the name makes much more sense. No matter how badly injured Kangaskhan becomes, the mother will not cease fighting until its young is safe, except in its Mega form. That's right, Kangaskhan has had a Mega evolution ever since X and Y came out, and it's probably the quaintest one, as Kangaskhan itself didn't get a change in its appearance like the rest of the Mega evolutions did; instead, the child in its pouch grows and gets to battle with its mother. That kinda contradicts Kangaskhan's flavor, as it is so protective of its child and the latter barely even leave its mother's pouch until it is three years old (I doubt even Pokémon grow as fast as demonstrated by Kangaskhan's Mega evolution's young, aside from regular evolution), but let's not be finicky about that. I mean, a Mega is nothing more than a battle mechanic to make a Pokémon stronger and, hopefully, more useful. Moreover, one characteristic of Mega Kangaskhan does make sense: the child is feisty, hates to lose and will boldly challenge its opponents to protect its mother. All of the mother's nurturing is finally paying off: baby loves its mama!

Mother Kangaskhan pulling her baby out of her pouch, getting
ready for battle (Mega Kangaskhan).

Besides, Mega Kangaskhan has a nifty new signature ability that perfectly matches its flavor: Parental Bond. This ability makes moves that Kangaskhan uses two-strike moves, with the second strike being half as strong as the first; one could see that as the child attacking after its parent. What's more: any secondary effects, such as the attack raise from Power-Up Punch, occur twice, and priority moves like Fake Out and Sucker Punch can easily be abused. There are even other effects, such as each strike having a separate chance to get a critical hit, that are so overpowered that Mega Kangaskhan resides in the Uber tier (where most OP legendary Pokémon like Lugia, Kyogre and Zekrom can be found). It is just too strong for normal tiers like OU, UU, RU and NU, especially since its base attack stat is already a powerful 125 (before applying abilities), while its base speed stat of 100 is nothing to sneeze at, either.

This is a very nice drawing of Kangaskhan!

For battles in a normal tier, I'd recommend using a regular Kangaskhan holding a regular item, preferably a Life Orb, Choice Band or Assault Vest, or maybe even a Silk Scarf if you want to run Double-Edge and don't want to take additional damage from a Life Orb. Jolly or Adamant is the preferred nature, while Scrappy (makes Kangaskhan hit ghost-type Pokémon with normal- and fighting-type moves, which ghost types are usually resistant to) is the most useful ability. Early Bird causes Kangaskhan to wake up earlier than usual, but that ability is merely situational and might not be of use. Inner Focus, however, prevents flinching, which might not be a bad idea if you suspect a Fake Out abuser or a Pokémon with the Serene Grace ability; still, Scrappy is the best ability to go with. As for Kangaskhan's moveset, this Pokémon learns a shitload of useful moves, most notably Double-Edge, Return and Fake Out, normal-type moves that it obtains STAB from. Crunch, Rock Slide, Outrage, Earthquake, Sucker Punch, Brick Break, Shadow Claw, Aqua Tail and Iron Tail are options as well. And it's a shame Kangaskhan doesn't get the Iron Fist ability, because it is able to lean Comet Punch (which is terrible, actually), Mega Punch (you're better off with Return), Dizzy Punch (mediocre, but has a chance to confuse the opponent), Hammer Arm, Focus Punch (only works reliably in conjunction with Substitute), the elemental punches, and Drain Punch. Especially the latter is nice, because it is a reliable source of healing for Kangaskhan. All of these moves are great options depending on what Pokémon you're gonna face and what kind of Kangaskhan you want to use.

TCG wallpaper of Mega Kangaskhan.

Kangaskhan is probably one of the few stand-alone Gen. I Pokémon that didn't get an evolution or a pre-evolution (Mega-evolving doesn't count, because it is temporary), the other ones being Farfetch'd, Pinsir, Tauros and Lapras. And quite honestly, Farfetch'd is the only one who actually needed an evolution but didn't get it. It's too bad Game Freak made Mega Kangaskhan way too overpowered by giving it the most broken ability ever. Kangaskhan needed a little love, but there is such a thing as giving it too much love, I guess. Nevertheless, Kangaskhan is an amazing, versatile Pokémon to use competitively. However, because of balancing problems (its Mega is too OP and its regular form falls a little short stat-wise, which is why it resides in the NU tier) I am unwilling to give it a perfect rating, even though I still love this Pokémon. 4.5 stars should do, right?

Rating: 4.5/5

#440, #113, #242: Happiny, Chansey & Blissey

I have to admit this is some fine 3D fan art of Happiny, though.

Ugh. More fat, pink Pokémon... Just what we needed, right?

Nope.

At least, not Happiny. You know what Happiny is good for? Absolutely nothing, because practically everything about Happiny is nothing more than downright terrible. Its stats are absolutely booty; it is even tied with Chansey for the lowest base attack and defense of all Pokémon, both at 5. Even its pretty good 100 base HP won't make up for its low defensive stats and an Eviolite isn't gonna save them, either. Meh. Furthermore, its classification as the 'Playhouse Pokémon' really doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever, while its design bothers me to no end. It's so ridiculous. I mean... it looks like an infant wearing a pink diaper, complete with an egg-shaped toy. Well, that's where its annoying characteristics come into play: it is bothered by how curly its hair looks, it has a habit of being in the way of people and causing them to trip as a result of that, and it is always carrying an egg-shaped rock with it because it desperately wants to be a Chansey. That is sad. And not in a good way. Its Pokédex entries never mention anything like a playhouse either, which makes its classification even more confusing.

I'm still bothered by baby Pokémon like Happiny. I mean, they're so incredibly unnecessary...

In the anime, Chansey are often seen as Nurse Joy's assistants in
Pokémon Centers. 

Fortunately, though, it is easy to evolve Happiny into Chansey: just give it an Oval Stone to hold and level it up during the day. And do it fast, because Chansey is much better than its pre-evolution. Wait, wait, wait, I am moving way too fast now; I'll discuss Chansey's battle skills later. Let's take a look at its Pokédex entries first. Chansey is a rare and elusive Pokémon, but it is also gentle and kind-harted and will bring happiness and luck to those who manage to catch it. It will share its succulent and nutritious eggs, which it lays on a daily basis, with an injured human or Pokémon if it sees one. The eggs become even more delicious when Chansey is treated with love and care; so delicious, in fact, that even people who have lost their appetite devour them easily and eagerly. Its healing powers and caring nature make it an excellent nurse, which is why Nurse Joy is always assisted by a Chansey whenever Ash walks into a goddamn Pokémon Center (of course, Gen. V doesn't know what a Chansey is, so Unova Joys are assisted by Audino instead).

Fan art of Chansey happily giving Pachirisu an injection.

This whole healer thing is important, because that is exactly what Chansey is used for in the competitive scene. Yeah, well, its attack and defense are still booty (they're the same as Happiny's), but it has great special defense and a MASSIVE base HP stat of no less than 250. Two hundred and fucking fifty. Only Blissey, Chansey's evolution, has a higher HP stat, but it is higher by only five base points. As Chansey's special defense is high enough already, most players run a Chansey with a Bold nature and EV investment in HP and defense. Give it an Eviolite, a held item that raises a yet-to-evolve Pokémon's defense and special defense by 50%, and you have an ultimate wall. It means that Chansey can take a few physical hits, despite its dreadfully low defense stat. Unfortunately, Chansey has no attacking power, which means it will have to rely on a moveset consisting of Soft-Boiled (heals its HP by half), Seismic Toss (deals damage equal to the user's level), Heal Bell (all Pokémon in the user's party are cured of their non-volatile status conditions, if they have any), and either Toxic or Thunder Wave in order to cripple the opponent with a status effect.

The Chansey family: Happiny (on top of Chansey), Chansey itself (left) and Blissey
(right), with Nurse Joy in the background. 

There are other options, though. Counter is a decreased-priority move that hits for twice the physical damage done to Chansey on that turn, which may be an option, while Thunderbolt, Ice Beam and Flamethrower are viable options if you want to hit ghost-type Pokémon, who are unaffected by Seismic Toss (and Counter, for that matter). Wish can only be obtained by using a special event Chansey that was distributed from December 16, 2004 to January 2, 2005 to any Gen. III game. You probably don't have one, and quite honestly it is not worth the hassle. Do make sure your Chansey has Natural Cure as its ability though, which heals any status condition it has upon switching out. Its hidden ability Healer has a 30% chance of curing an adjacent ally's status condition, so this only comes in handy when you're participating in double battles. And while Chansey also has the Serene Grace ability and its very own held item called the Lucky Punch, both of which raise its critical hit ratio, this combination is actually not a good idea to use considering Chansey's poor offensive presence.

Old official art of Blissey.

So, what about Blissey? Well, its flavor is pretty much the same as Chansey's, with the only difference being the effects of its eggs: eating a Blissey egg will bring happiness to a sad person and makes someone unfailingly caring and pleasant to everyone. Blissey evolves from Chansey when leveled up with high friendship, which means it is a fully-evolved Pokémon. As a result, Blissey cannot use the Eviolite (it depends on Leftovers instead), which sucks because it needs that item. Its base 10 defense might be slightly better than Chansey's, but it is still very, very poor, especially when you consider that Chansey can make use of the Eviolite to make up for its terrible physical defense. Therefore, Blissey resides in a lower tier than Chansey (UU, underused, rather than OU, overused), but that doesn't mean it is bad. On the contrary, Blissey has even higher special defense and special attack stats (along with a slightly better HP stat, but that doesn't really make much difference), which means it is capable of tanking special hits and hitting the opponent with at least some power. However, Blissey is often used in the same way as Chansey is, with the same nature, EV spread and stalling moveset used by its pre-evolution. Besides, its special attack is only mediocre and is really nothing to write home about, so it's probably a good thing using Blissey as a special wall rather than a special attacker.

All in all, it's too bad Game Freak had to introduce Happiny, because that Pokémon is ridiculous and redundant and has hardly any use, in-game as well as competitively. Chansey and Blissey are amazing Pokémon to use if you know what you're doing, however, so you won't see a bad rating on this page by any means. Yes, I know that they're pink, cute and fluffy, but I like them nonetheless.

Rating: 3.5/5

#108, #463: Lickitung & Lickilicky

Fan art of Lickitung.

Oh my God, no. No, no, NO! I do NOT want to review this Pokémon.

Sigh... I guess I'll have to, right? Goddammit, fuck this shit.

Okay, let's get this over with, shall we? I do not want to spend any more time on this monstrosity than absolutely necessary. To make a long story short, Lickitung is a disgusting Pokémon that uses its tongue for capturing prey, battling, cleaning its body, exploring its environment and gathering food. At 7 feet, Lickitung's tongue is almost twice as long as its body and possibly even connected to its tail, as it quivers when Lickitung extends its long, chameleon-like tongue. The tongue is dexterous and powerful enough to lift people. Lickitung remembers things by their texture and taste, but it apparently dislikes sour things. I'm pretty sure it won't like the taste of me then, even though I wouldn't want to be licked by that thing in the first place. I mean, do you know how much saliva Lickitung produces? Gross. Especially considering the fact that its saliva is sticky and causes you to get a tingling sensation. Ewww.

Official art of Lickilicky. God, do I hate this Pokémon. I hate it
with a burning passion...

Look, it's not that I have a problem with Lickitung per se, it's just that the atrocity that is called Lickilicky overshadows Lickitung's mediocrity. Lickilicky's design - is it based on a bloated gourmand or a puffy baby? - is so abominable and ridiculous that I hated it instantly when I first saw it, which is probably why all of a sudden I couldn't stand Lickitung either. My hate for Lickilicky has only intensified throughout the years and I doubt I'll ever get over it. Up to this day, it is my absolute least favorite Pokémon. To make matters even worse, Lickilicky's flavor (no pun intended) is even more disgusting than Lickitung's, as Lickilicky is a downright glutton and will lick anything or anyone close by for any leftover crumbs. Its tongue is always soggy with slobber and getting too close to it will leave you soaked with drool, which contains lots of components that can dissolve anything, and the numbness it causes will not dissipate. Hideous, ridiculous, disgusting and dangerous...? That is not a particularly good combination, even if I say so. Whoever thought that this evolution of Lickitung was a superb idea should be thrown out with the trash immediately, because the day that Lickilicky was created is a black day for Nintendo and Game Freak. A black day indeed.

Look at this fat-ass. I hate everything about it: the stupid curl on
its head, its round shape, its gluttonous attitude, its ridiculously
large tongue, the white patch on its chest that looks like a napkin,
that perfect WiFi signal on its belly, its stupid evolution method,
the dumb name, etc. etc. etc.

Do I even care about Lickilicky's competitive use? Well, there are people who do like this thing (although I don't know why you would like it) and want to use one (again, it's a mystery to me why the hell you'd even want to), so let's get started, shall we? Even I have to admit that Lickilicky isn't all that bad competitively, so my approach is to use one with an Adamant nature, the Own Tempo ability, a Choice Band as held item and EV investment in HP and attack. Own Tempo prevents it from getting confused, while the Choice Band boosts Lickilicky's decent attack stat by 50% but limits it to using just one move until you switch it out. With an excellent base HP stat of 110 and quite some good defenses, Lickilicky has some natural bulk behind it, so you might as well make use of that attack stat in my opinion. And quite frankly, Lickilicky learns some powerful and/or useful moves, such as Knock Off (knocks off the opponent's held item), Power Whip (a rare physical-based grass-type move), Earthquake, Brick Break, Rock Slide, Power-Up Punch (a weak move, but it raises Lickilicky's attack every time it is used), Dragon Tail (forces the opponent to switch out), the elemental punches, Aqua Tail, Hammer Arm, Iron Tail, Zen Headbutt, and even STAB Return. You're spoiled for choice.

Somehow Lickilicky looks so much better when you can't see its ugly face. Then
again, it's still a fat-ass. 

Some other approaches: a Life Orb Lickilicky with either Curse (lowers its already terrible speed even more, but raises its attack and defense by one stage each) or Swords Dance (raises its attack by two stages), or even a Leftovers Lickilicky with EV investment in HP and defense or special defense and the Wish/Protect/Heal Bell combo. The latter only works if you have one that is evolved from a 2004 special event Lickitung, so it's hard to obtain a legit one.

However, I really wouldn't want to obtain one in the first place, and I don't understand why anyone would, either. Fuck this Pokémon. Fuck this Pokémon so, so much. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, and fuck it again. Fuck it from behind, fuck it from the front, then fuck it sideways until you make it see stars. Make sure it gets a trauma from it. Ugh, I despise Lickilicky and I wish I could ban it from my goddamn memory for all eternity.

Rating: 0.5/5

#84 - #85: Doduo & Dodrio

Doduo can run extremely fast, but there is no way it's faster than
Dodrio...

So, here we have 'em: Doduo and Dodrio, the first Pokémon that are completely based off of an extinct animal.

Well, the Bulbasaur line could very well be based off of a dinosaur, but the suffix -saur is probably derived from the same Latin word, meaning 'lizard'. I think that's plausible.

Anyway, while dodos didn't really have two heads, let alone three, Game Freak are known for bending the rules a little. Besides, this is Pokémon, so it doesn't hurt making an extinct bird a little bit more interesting. Right? Well, the FireRed Pokédex says that Doduo was discovered as a sudden mutation, so that explains something. Having two heads is useful anyway, because while one head is always awake and alert and keeping an eye out for enemies, the other head sleeps for two. It is theorized that this is possible because the heads have identical brains and communicate with each other through telepathy. Despite the fact that Doduo aren't particularly good fliers (they run on their strongly developed legs instead, being able to reach speeds up to 60 miles while leaving four-inch footprints wherever they go), they are capable of learning Steel Wing, Fly, Brave Bird and Sky Attack. One could argue that Doduo and Dodrio are still birds, which is why they can learn these moves in the first place, but that makes no sense, as they have no wings. Come to think of it, dodos had wings, even though they were tiny and couldn't be used to fly with. Therefore, Duduo and Dodrio have more in common with modern-day ostriches, and possibly moas (an extinct species of flightless birds endemic to New Zealand) and emus.

Proud Mom Dodrio watching its cute little baby Doduo hatch
from the egg.

Dodrio, however, is where Game Freak show a little inconsistency. While Doduo's Pokédex entries mention that it can run up to 60 miles per hour, Dodrio's entries tell us that it can run up to 40 miles per hour. Yet Dodrio's base speed (100) is higher than Doduo's (75), which makes sense, as a Pokémon's base stats usually improve upon evolving. My guess is that mistakes were made when Dodrio's Pokédex entries were written and that Dodrio are actually capable of running 140 miles per hour. Yeah, let's go with that. One specific characteristic of Dodrio backs up my theory as well: Dodrio has three sets of heart and lungs, which allows it to oxygenate and pump blood through its body, giving it increased endurance to run vast distances without rest. I bet it can also run extremely fast because of that. One thing is certain, though: Dodrio is a whole lot different than Dodrio. Each head now has its own working brain and distinct personality, respresenting joy, anger and sorrow respectively, although I mainly see two pissed-off heads and one bored one (see Dodrio's official art below to compare). The brains collect data, formulate and then execute complex plans and strategies, but Dodrio may sometimes over-think and -analyze a situation, causing itself to be immobilized and unable to carry out any action whatsoever. If the heads squabble with each other, they won't stop until at least one of them gets to eat, which will also satisfy the other two heads. Like Doduo, Dodrio likes to keep one head awake to stand guard and look out for enemies while the other two heads are asleep. That is a whole set of characteristics worth mentioning, which gives this Pokémon a little dynamic, personality and originality.

Official art of Dodrio.

That is definitely not the case in the games, especially in the competitive scene. There are a lot of other normal/flying-type birds that are better than Dodrio, including Pidgeot (who has a Mega evolution), Swellow and Staraptor, but that doesn't mean Dodrio is useless. Its base speed compared with a Jolly nature, EV investment in speed and attack, and a Choice Band as hold item makes it hit its opponents fast and hard (although the Choice item limits it to using only one move until it switches out, after which the item will reset). When it comes to moves, Dodrio doesn't learn a whole lot of useful moves, but just enough to fill in a decent moveset: Brave Bird is a strong STAB move but deals recoil damage, Return hits for 102 base damage when Dodrio's friendship level is maxed out, and Quick Attack finishes off opposing Pokémon that don't have much health left. As for the last slot, Dodrio has access to a move that the likes of Swellow and Staraptor can only dream of (Pidgeot has been a special attacker ever since it has a Mega, so it doesn't benefit from it): Knock Off. This is a dark-type move that deals double the damage (its base power is 65) when knocking off the opposing Pokémon's item. It's a shame Dodrio doesn't have any abilities that help it. Run Away makes it run away from wild Pokémon, but it has no effect in battle and is practically useless anyway, as Dodrio is already fast as is. Tangled Feet raises its evasion when it is confused, but is way too situational; besides, it is advised to switch out confused Pokémon before they hurt themselves and whittle away at their own health. Early Bird, which causes Dodrio to wake up early when it is put to sleep, is the only good option.

This fan art of Dodrio shows the distinct personalities of the head - anger, joy and
sorrow - better than its official art.

Dodrio is an interesting Pokémon with a fascinating set of characteristics and a funny design. Unfortunately, even though it is far from a bad attacker, it's not really a popular Pokémon to use. And although it's not useless, it isn't a particularly useful one, either: there are plenty of Pokémon that can do a better job at what Dodrio can do. On the other hand, with its three heads and a design based on an extinct flightless bird, Dodrio is probably the most original normal/flying type out there. Hey, I just like it a lot, and that's why I'm giving it a four-star rating.

Rating: 4/5

#83: Farfetch'd

Official Ken Sugimori art of Farfetch'd.

Oh, man. THIS thing.

Okay, first things first: let's take a look at Farfetch'd's concept. It's a duck. That much is obvious, at least. It's a tasty duck at that, because Farfetch'd is a delicacy and makes for a delicous meal, especially when cooked with leek. Now, let it be the case that Farfetch'd is always carrying a leek stalk or a spring onion with it in its wings, sometimes fighting over the best sticks with other Farfetch'd. In fact, it is unable to live without one, as it serves as a weapon, nesting material and emergency food source. And its own garnish, apparently, because Farfetch'd is almost extinct due to it being hunted down for food in the first place. Survival of the fittest? Well, Darwin's evolution theory definitely does not apply to Farfetch'd. It does leave food for thought, though (pun intended). I mean, think about it: this means that the Pokémon world is pretty much like our world, in which we keep animals as a pet but also slaughter them in order to consume them. If we assume that there are no ordinary animals in the Pokémon world and the people there also eat other kinds of meat than just Farfetch'd, there is a big chance that Pokémon like Miltank and Tepig are also kept for slaughter. However, with the exception of the occasional wacko, nobody in our world keeps a cow or pig, usually animals kept as livestock, as a pet. Nor would anybody eat their dog, cat, hamster, goldfish or canary, while we're at it. Pokémon, on the other hand, are often regarded as people's friends, pets and even fighting tools. If you take that into account, I'd figure it is hard, and even somewhat callous, to eat a Pokémon you know you can have a strong bond with or you know can be useul in battle. Like I said: food for thought.

Farfetch'd repeatedly beating Psyduck on the head with its stick.
And the poor thing already suffers from severe headaches. 

Not that Farfetch'd (whose name may be inspired by a Japanese saying that can be translated as 'a duck comes bearing green onions', which means as much as 'something suprising but convenient') is much of a fighting tool, anyway. In fact, its stats are awful. Terrible. Horrendous. Disastrous. Dreadful. Horrible. Horrific. Abominable. You name it, goddammit. Its defenses are mediocre at best, but they won't help it, because its HP stat really doesn't back them up. Farfetch'd's speed is awful; it would have to take a hit from its opponent before it can make a move, which it isn't capable of in the slightest. Of its attacking stats, its physical attack stat is the best, although it still isn't all that. Farfetch'd has access to one nifty move that can raise it by two stages, though: Swords Dance. And if you manage to have the opponent lower one of Farfetch'd's stats, which I don't recommend at all, its hidden ability Defiant will raise its attack by two stages as well. Combine that with its signature item Stick, which increases its critical hit ratio, and physical moves that have a high chance to crit, such as Slash, Night Slash and Leaf Blade, and you might have a somewhat decent Farfetch'd. No success guaranteed. It's a shame Farfetch'd isn't a little bit stronger, because it also learns some nice STAB moves like Acrobatics, Brave Bird and Fly, along with Poison Jab, Steel Wing and U-Turn. That is some nice type coverage; too bad it can't make use of it well.

Farfetch'd is a terrible competitive battler. Heck, it's even disappointing when you use it in a regular playthrough. It does have an interesting flavor to it, though (in this case, pun most definitely intended), and its design and concept are funny enough, so I won't give it a bad rating because of the fact it is absolutely worthless in battle. Now, if you'll excuse me, I suddenly have an inexplicable hunger for Peking duck.

Rating: 3/5