#241: Miltank

No, you didn't miss any articles here. Nos. 236 to 240 are Tyrogue, Hitmontop, Smoochum, Elekid and Magby, which I discussed in previous entries already. Next up we have everyone's favorite Pokémon owned by a Gym Leader: Miltank.

Ash's Cyndaquil sucking on one of the teats on Miltank's udder.
Nothing sugestive about that. (!)

Yup, while Whitney's Clefairy is 'fairily' easy to defeat - excuse the dumb pun - her Miltank is infamous for being the one Pokémon in Pokémon Gold and Silver that keeps bodying your entire team only three Gyms in. You're lucky Whitney had the presence of mind to take it easy on us by replacing Defense Curl with Attract, because Defense Curl would have allowed her Miltank to Rollout you straight into oblivion (which it already did without Defense Curl). That's a good enough strategy for in-game purposes, but in the competitive scene Miltank is supposed to be a bulky bitch. Its HP and defense are excellent, and even its mediocre special defense is compensated by its HP stat. Heck, you could even give it a Careful nature and max out its special defense until you'll be sure it can take special hits as well. It's a great support Pokémon with a great support movepool, including Toxic and Thunder Wave to inflict a status condition on the opponent, Heal Bell to get rid of all status conditions inflicted on your Pokémon, Milk Drink for its own recovery only, and Stealth Rock to set up an entry hazard.

This Miltank is not amused by Ash brushing its back. 

Another option is to let it set up with Curse, which raises its attack and defense by one stage each but lowers its speed, so that it can run a physical moveset consisting of Curse, Body Slam and two other physical moves of your choice (or one other physical move, if you want to keep Milk Drink for recovery). And you're spoiled for choice, because Miltank's physical movepool is wide: it can learn things like Earthquake, Zen Headbutt, the elemental punches, Iron Head, Rock Slide, Hammer Arm and more. It even learns Gyro Ball, a move that does more damage the slower the user is compared to the opponent, but its base 100 speed makes Miltank pretty speedy for a fat bipedal cow. It does work perfectly in combination with Curse, so it's definitely an option, but for more reliable steel-type damage you should go with Iron Head or Iron Tail. And if you give it the ability Sap Sipper, you'll have a grass-type resistance and a one-stage attack boost every time Miltank is hit by a grass-type move. Again, this works very well with Curse. That is not to say, however, that its other abilities are worthless: Scrappy allows Miltank to hit ghost types with its normal-type moves where otherwise they'd be unharmed by them, and Thick Fat gives it resistances to fire and ice.

A glass of milk a day keeps the doctor away. Yeah, fuck that, I
hate milk.

In contrast to the milk it produces, which is sweet and nutritious and can be used to heal Pokémon - a feature included in the games, outside of battles - and ill or weary humans, Miltank's flavor is really bland. Miltank is based on Jersey cattle (a breed originally bred in the Channel Island of Jersey, UK, and known for the high butterfat content of its milk) and Holstein Friesian cattle (a breed originating from the Dutch provinces of North Holland and Friesland and the German state of Schleswig-Holstein, known as the world's highest-production dairy animals), but whereas normal cows can produce an average of eight gallons of milk a day, Miltank can produce 'only' five gallons. While the milk can be enjoyed by children, adolescents and grown-ups alike, it is said that kids who drink Miltank milk while growing up become hearty, healthy adults. Yeah, that is often said about real-life milk too. However, I hate milk and I adamantly refused to drink it, and I'd dare say I'm pretty healthy otherwise. That's not all, though: Miltank's milk can be turned into yogurt instead for people who can't drink the milk. No shit, I'll bet you can easily make butter and cheese from Miltank milk as well; I assume that shouldn't be too hard.

Come on, Game Freak, I don't mind some real-life references, but this is Pokémon we're talking about and I expect their characteristics to be a little bit more outlandish. Sometimes I think the somewhat bland flavors of certain Pokémon are laziness on Game Freak's part, and every now and then I feel they've rushed through the Pokémon to go on to create another one. I like Miltank's design, though, and I like its versatility in competitive play, so I guess Game Freak jump the gun. Again.

Rating: 3.5/5

#235: Smeargle

Smeargle about to paint a picture with its Trainer.

Smeargle is, to say the least, a sketchy Pokémon. It has the lowest base stat total of all Pokémon that are not part of an evolutionary line - or stand-alone Pokémon, as I like to call them - and can't learn any moves through TMs, breeding or Move Tutors. The only move it learns naturally is Sketch, and it learns it up to ten times in its level-up movepool, except when Smeargle already has this move. But that is not what Sketch is about: it should be used immediately to permanently copy an opponent's move. This way, Smeargle is able to legally possess any move in existence (with the exception of Chatter and Struggle), which gives it a number of distinctions:

- It is the only Pokémon to be able to possess Outrage while having the Own Tempo ability, which prevents it from becoming confused at all. This doesn't count for Thrash and Petal Dance, as they are learned by Spinda and Lilligant, respectively. Both have access to Own Tempo.

- It is the only non-starter to legally learn Frenzy Plant, Grass Pledge, Blast Burn, Fire Pledge, Hydro Cannon or Water Pledge. Additionally, it is the only Pokémon that can have these moves in different combinations of types.

- It can pass down any egg-move combinations to any Pokémon in the Field egg group, the group Smeargle belongs to.

- Hidden Power-evaluating NPCs cannot identify the type of Smeargle's Hidden Power, even if it possesses the move. This is because Smeargle cannot learn it through TM.

- Smeargle can Sketch Hyperspace Fury, but this move will fail if it used by any Pokémon other than Hoopa Unbound.

Smeargle and its Da Vinci rip-off. 

Due to it being able to learn any move possible and despite its terrible stats, Smeargle has some serious competitive utility. Its HP and defensive stats are awful, so it is usually holding a Focus Sash in battle to prevent itself from going down in one hit, but at least its speed is halfway decent. With whatever speed-increasing nature, this gives Smeargle a chance to 'attack' sooner than its opponent, usually with status moves like Spore and Dark Void. It is also commonly used for setting up entry hazards like Stealth Rock, Spikes, Toxic Spikes or Sticky Web - or a combination of those moves - and is popularly used as a Taunt or Whirlwind user to bait or force out foes who try to set up with stat-increasing moves like Nasty Plot or Swords Dance or want to remove Smeargle's entry hazards with Defog or Rapid Spin. You can give Smeargle handy status-inflicting moves like Nuzzle (a Thunder Wave on crack), Will-O-Wisp or Toxic, make it bounce back an opponent's status moves with Magic Coat, or let it blow up with Explosion to gain momentum for the rest of your team. Heck, you can let Smeargle set up with moves like Shell Smash, Dragon Dance, Nasty Plot or Shift Gear and Baton Pass the stat boosts on to another Pokémon on your team (you really don't want Smeargle to make use of those stat boosts, because its attacking stats are abhorrent). The possibilities are endless and many people can find a way to make it work competitively, apparently. Just not me. Smeargle is far too dodgy for me to use, and as I'm not much of a competitive player I'd like to play it safe.

Smeargle standing proudly in front of its fancy new painting.

For in-game purposes, Smeargle is useless. Even its flavor isn't all that interesting. Sure, it is based on beagles and French painters (its Korean name Rubeudo
(루브도) even refers to the famous Musée du Louvre in France), but the only thing that stands out is that Smeargle has a tail that resembles a paint brush (hence the move Sketch), which is always oozing with colored fluids that Smeargle uses to mark its territory and express itself. And even though the Pokédex says that the color of the mysterious fluid secreted from its tail is predetermined for each Smeargle, it is always found with a green tail tip in the games; except, of course, when it is shiny. Of course Smeargle's tail tips differ drastically in the anime, but this is the Pokédex in the games I'm talking about, and the games can't do without a bit of inconsistency from Game Freak. Anyway, Smeargle also has the tendency to let its comrades plant footprints on its back. Way to be weird, Smeargle!

Meh, I don't know how I feel about this Pokémon overall. It's an interesting concept, but it's so blandly and poorly executed. Game Freak, could you really not have given it a bit better stat distribution? Its base stat total is now a whopping 250, which is even worse than some Pokémon that are the first stage in a three-stage evolutionary line. Even Hatedisc - uhm... I mean, Luvdisc - has a higher base stat total and that is, like, the most worthless Pokémon in existence. However, I kinda like Smeargle's design, so I guess it jumps the gun here.

GIF of a shiny Smeargle using Dark Void, usually Darkrai's signature move. 

Rating: 4/5

#234: Stantler

If you think that Stantler doesn't look like much, you're absolutely right. Many people forget this Pokémon is a thing, until they're reminded of its existence in some way. Even Smeargle, who is Stantler's successor in the Pokédex, enjoys far more fame for its gimmicky strategy, even though its base stat total is the lowest of all stand-alone Pokémon.

Well, fame... I think 'notoriety' is a better word for it, but you get my point, don't you?

Sawsbuck gets photobombed by Stantler. 

So, Stantler looks like Rudolph's ugly cousin. Although it shares some traits with reindeer indeed, it seems to be based off of several species of deer, especially when you look at its foreign names: the German name for Stantler - Damhirplex - obviously contains the word Damhirsch, which means 'fallow deer', while its Korean name Noraki (노라키) is a pun on noroo, meaning 'roe deer'. Bulbapedia even mentions that it appears to be based on sika deer as well as caribou. I won't even contradict them, because Stantler looks a little bland and it is hard to determine which species of deer was the inspiration for Stantler. The antlers make it even harder, because they don't look like any antlers seen on real-life deer, but at least Game Freak have shown a little creativity in that regard. Some deer - most notably stags - are being hunted for their antlers, and Stantler is no exception. But there is actually a reason for that: Stantler can distort reality and create illusions with its pleasant-smelling antlers by subtly changing the flow of air around itself. Staring into those illusions creates an odd sensation in humans, as if one is being sucked through them, and they can make someone dizzy enough that it is impossible for them to stand. The black spheres on fallen antlers can even be grounded into a powder that aids in curing insomnia. That's why Stantler's antlers are valuable artifacts to Pokémon poachers and the species was nearly driven to extinction.

Sawsbuck (left) vs Stantler (right). I have no doubt Sawsbuck will emerge victorious
from this fight. 

By the way, it's weird that the Japanese think Stantler is based on devices to frighten away animals that pose a threat to agriculture, also known collectively as shishi-odoshi. It's more likely that Stantler's Japanese name Odoshishi (オドシシ) - as well as its Mandarin Chinese name Jīngjiǎolù (驚角鹿), literally 'frightening-antler deer' - refers to Stantler's ability to scare intruders away by means of creating frightening illusions with its antlers, but it's still weird that these devices were the inspiration for Stantler's Japanese name. They don't work even remotely like Stantler does: while Stantler creates illusions and distorts reality, sōzu - a type of shishi-odoshi - are nothing more than bamboo rocker arms ticking on stones to break the quietness and frighten animals, most notably deer. It's as if Game Freak didn't quite grab the essence of the flavor they created for Stantler. But we're talking about Game Freak, what did you expect?

Yup, Xerneas and Sawsbuck are fabulous and still get more love
than poor Stantler does. 

What I didn't expect myself was... a good Pokémon. To be honest, Stantler is pretty goddamn decent. Its base 73 HP stat is just high enough to back up its mediocre defenses, while its base 95 attack and base 85 speed make it a moderately fast and strong physical attacker. Its physical movepool is wide enough in order for you to pick a couple of good moves, including Return, Zen Headbutt, Jump Kick, Earthquake (for some reason), Wild Charge, Megahorn and Iron Tail. The latter two moves are only obtainable through breeding and Move Tutors, respectively, so they can't be acquired in a regular playthrough. There is still a decent amount of moves to choose from, though, even special moves. And I mean, why the heck not? Its base special attack is 85, which isn't that much lower than its base 95 attack stat and isn't bad by any means. I'd still recommend Zen Headbutt over Psychic or Psyshock, but at least it also learns moves like Shadow Ball, Energy Ball and Signal Beam. It depends on the type coverage you need. It's still not all that helpful competitively, but I bet it'll be able to hold its own in a Nuzlocke or normal playthrough. Should you desire to use it in competitive play, an Intimidate mixed or physical attacker holding a Life Orb is a viable option to reduce physical attacks from opposing Pokémon and hit back relatively hard, while its hidden ability Sap Sipper is better for in-game purposes.

After all the shit I've thrown at Stantler, you'd think I dislike the thing. WRONG! Well, I didn't think much of it, but some Pokémon surprise you after having done your research. I actually quite like Stantler now. I thought it was good-for-nothing Pokédex filler, but I think I stand corrected and should revise my opinion. Competitively, it faces competition from bulkier and stronger normal types like Stoutland and Ursaring, respectively, but I'm actually thinking about using one in a future playthrough now.

How writing one single article can change one's mind, right?

Rating: 4/5

#216 - #217: Teddiursa & Ursaring

I never had a teddy bear. I had a stuffed thing that I called Knuffie (literal translation: Huggie, obviously not named after the diapers), but I didn't have a goddamn teddy bear. Until I got one in the form of a Teddiursa plush, that is, but I didn't like it very much and thus I didn't have it for very long. At a later time, I think I regretted the decision to discard it a little, because I've come to like Teddiursa and Ursaring much more than I did back then. Well, I was a stubborn child with certain favorite Pokémon and I didn't want to know anything about the rest of them. What more can I say?

This is not the Teddiursa plush I owned, but it's
so fluffy that I had to include it.

Why, I'm gonna say something about Teddiursa and Ursaring. That's what I'm gonna do, because that's what this whole article is for in the first place. Teddiursa loves honey, which is something that is derived from a trait of certain honey-loving bears such as the sloth bear or the Malayan sun bear. But Teddiursa doesn't just have a voracious appetite for this sticky stuff; no, it can also concoct its own honey by blending fruit and Beedrill pollen and absorbs the honey into its forepaws, which it is often seen licking. The crescent marking on its head - which might have been based on the mythology of the constellation Ursa Minor (more commonly called the Little Bear; ursa is Latin for 'bear') - begins to glow when it finds honey already made. Then it evolves into Ursaring: the crescent moon on its forehead changes into a full moon or new moon on its chest, and the aesthetic traits are more likely derived from Asian bears and grizzlies. Unfortunately, that's approximately where the interesting Pokédex entries end. Whereas Game Freak took the concept of honey bears and made Teddiursa's traits actually interesting because honey bears can't actually do what Teddiursa can, Ursaring is nothing special. I like its design, sure, and I have to admit it's a strong and useful Pokémon, but flavor-wise Game Freak really missed the mark when it comes to Ursaring. I mean, you're not gonna tell me that gathering food, sleeping in treetops, a keen olfactory sense (it can distinguish any kind of aroma), marking fruit-bearing trees in its territory with its claws and being too lazy to climb trees to pick fruit (it snaps them instead and collects any fruit and berries that fall down) is overly fascinating. The funny thing is that I never really complained about these Pokédex entries until I started this fucking blog and realized that the flavor of certain Pokémon isn't really all that interesting.

In battles the flavor doesn't matter, but it's nice to see one that matches a Pokémon's battle style (or vice versa) or one that's just an entirely different take on an already existing concept. It's lame to copy the traits of a certain animal and try to pull them off as the traits of a Pokémon based on that animal.

Cute, tiny Teddiursa (right) accompanied by other bear cubs: Pancham (left) and
Cubchoo (middle).

But enough with this lecture, let's take a gander at Ursaring's competitive abilities. Looking at its stats, I see a couple of problems: it's slow and its defenses are mediocre, although it is definitely capable of taking a hit or two due to its very decent HP stat. Furthermore, Ursaring's low speed can be compensated by one of its main abilities, Quick Feet, which raises its speed by 50% when it suffers from a status condition such as poison or paralysis. Guts does the exact same thing, only for attack instead of speed. Both are fine and allow Ursaring to hold onto one single item: the Toxic Orb. That item is the safest option, because the burn Ursaring gets from a Flame Orb halves its attack stat; and although Guts prevents that, Quick Feet does not. Both sets allow you to use Swords Dance, which sharply raises Ursaring's attack, and Facade, a move of base 70 power that doubles when - you guessed it - Ursaring is inflicted by a status condition, although the first set works better with a Jolly nature and the second set with an Adamant nature. To top it off, Ursaring has access to a variety of useful physical moves like Crunch, Close Combat, Earthquake, Rock Slide, Stone Edge, Power-Up Punch, Play Rough, Gunk Shot, Seed Bomb and the elemental punches.

Don't fuck with these bears. From left to right: Cubchoo's evolution Beartic,
Ursaring, and Pancham's evolution Pangoro.

It's a shame I didn't like Teddiursa and Ursaring all that much when I was a kid, but at least I appreciate their very existence now. Although I never used it in a playthrough, I am planning on using one in a distant playthrough of Pokémon Sun or Moon. Ursaring is not one of my favorite Pokémon ever, but at least it doesn't have to worry about getting a bad rating.

Rating: 4.5/5

#206: Dunsparce

I don't really want to review this Pokémon. I thought I didn't mind Sunflora and Wobbuffet's existence, until I reviewed them and found out that they're actually quite bland. Dunsparce, on the other hand, I have never liked. Sorry for the people who hold this Pokémon dear, but I think you'd better brace yourselves, because I'm not going to be nice.

Dunsparce in the anime.

And before we get right down to business: no, I don't think Drampa will be Dunsparce's evolution.

So, what will I discuss first? Its dumb flavor or its competitive utility? Well, let's start with the worst; maybe I'll find some redeeming competitive qualities in the end, although I doubt that somehow. Anyway, Dunsparce is based on a mythical Japanese serpentine creature that is called a tsuchinoko in Western Japan and as bachi hebi in Northeastern Japan. There are a number of people in Japan who claimed to have seen such a creature, so it's very much like alleged sightings of the chupacabra in Latin America or better-known bipedal creatures like Bigfoot in North America or the Yeti in the Himalayas: mostly tall tales and zero evidence. The fact that Dunsparce has wings, might be a reference to the Feathered Serpent, a prominent supernatural entity or deity in many Mesoamerican regions (it was known as Quetzalcoatl among the Aztecs, as Kukulkan among the Yucatec Mayas and as Q'uq'umatz or Tohil among the K'iche' Mayas).

Some very realistic interpretation of Dunsparce. Although it's based on a supposedly
terrifying creature, the end result is pretty dumb.

It also shares some traits with bumblebees - bachi hebi is literally 'bee snake', so go figure - and its stripes, tiny wings and stinger-like tail sure point that way, as does the fact that, when detected, Dunsparce likes to burrow into the ground backwards in order to avoid capture. Go figure. It is even capable of floating a little using its tiny wings, yet Game Freak have failed to make it a ground/flying type. And even though two seperate Pokémon of that type combination in one generation would have been redundant (in fact, Gligar and Gliscor are next in line), it would have fit Dunsparce greatly: it learns a ton of ground-type moves that fit its flavor, including Earthquake, Drill Run, Dig and Bulldoze, and is the only non-flying type capable of learning Roost naturally. It is even classified as the 'Land Snake Pokémon' in the Pokédex. Admittedly, it doesn't learn any other flying-type moves, but Bounce is the only flying-type move Gyarados can learn and it doesn't even get it by level-up, so that says nothing.

Fans have anticipated a Dunsparce evolution for some time now,
and this is approximately what it should look like according to
them. What its typing is, you ask? Normal/dragon or dragon/flying.

No, Dunsparce will have to do with the mediocre normal type instead, and while there are some very good normal-type Pokémon out there, Dunsparce is not one of them. It possesses some considerable bulk; its HP is a very passable base 100, but its defenses leave a lot to be desired. It's perfectly capable of taking a few hits, but considering the tier it resides in (PU, which can be seen as an extension of the NU tier, only shittier - with the exception of Luxray, so I think I'm gonna sue Smogon) there are a few better options, even unevolved Pokémon that benefit from the Eviolite. Didn't I say I would try to find some redeemable qualities? Oh no, wait, I said I might find some redeemable qualities upon research. Well, I found some: Dunsparce's Serene Grace ability doubles the chance of additional effects occurring. That means Body Slam has a 60% chance of paralyzing the foe instead of a 30% chance. Glare is a support move that paralyzes the foe anyway, but there are other Pokémon that can pull it off much faster, including Arbok and Serperior. The perfect moveset would therefore be Stealth Rock for setting up an entry hazard, Body Slam for a 60% chance of paralysis, Magic Coat to bounce back support moves to the opponent (which prevents Dunsparce from becoming Taunt bait), and Roost for healing. Combine it with a Careful nature to maximize its special bulk and the held item Leftovers for a bit of recovery every turn, and Dunsparce might live long enough to pass it on.

Dunsparce is so dumb that I don't even want to like it. It's supposed to be based on an allegedly terrifying creature roaming around Japan, but instead it just looks stupid. The facts that 'stupid' is even in its name - 'dunce' is a synonym for 'fool' or 'idiot' - and its tail has the shape of a dunce cap really don't help, either. I won't equal Dunsparce to monstrosities like Lickilicky or Mr. Mime, but its rating is definitely going to be quite terrible.

Rating: 1.5/5

#203: Girafarig

Official art of Girafarig, drawn by Ken Sugimori (who else?).

So, this is... an interesting Pokémon, to say the least.

So, Girafarig is based on a giraffokeryx, an extinct ancestor of the giraffe (and maybe the okapi), although its spots really give it the appearance of a modern-day giraffe. As you can see, Girafarig has a tail with eyes and a mouth, and that's because that tail actually has a fucking brain of its own. That's right, this head is capable of independent thinking, but it has to rely on outside stimuli such as smell and sound to guide its actions. If you come too near, it will smell you and try to bite you. The tail wasn't supposed to be a tail at first: Game Freak intended for Girafarig to have a second, fully grown head at the other end of its body. Do you remember the pushmi-pullyu from Doctor Dolittle? Or the cartoon series CatDog? Well, Girafarig was originally supposed to look a little like them, but that was changed at the last minute. To go with the whole palindrome shenanigans after all (Girafarig's name is spelled the same when you read it backwards), Game Freak gave it a tail that can think for its own. That trait might come from the stegosaurus, which are believed by some paleontologists to have possessed a second brain in their tails in order to improve their reflexes against predators. That can be seen in Garafarig as well: when its main head is sleeping, the tail stays awake and can warn the head of danger. Not uninteresting, and also pretty weird, but I would have loved to see a pushmi-pullyu kind of Pokémon. That would have been pretty awesome.

And no, that animal does not really exist; of course it doesn't, it is an imaginary animal Hugh Lofting created for his Doctor Dolittle book series. Yes, it all started with a book series. I didn't know that either, guys; I discovered that, like, fifteen minutes ago.

Fan art of what Girafarig was originally supposed to look like.
Pretty neat. 

Although I don't get what Girafarig's Japanese and Chinese names are supposed to mean. I mean, it's easy to determine kirin and nenriki are Japanese for giraffe and telekinesis (or psychokinesis, if you want to be strict about it), respectively, but there is absolutely nothing about Girafarig's flavor that proves it is able to influence objects with its mind. I mean, it can learn the move Telekinesis, but so can other Pokémon that usually don't have telekinetic abilities at all. It's strange. Furthermore, Girafarig's Mandarin Chinese name is Qílínqí (麒麟奇) and is composed of qílín and qí (obvious name is obvious), but this qílín creature Girafarig is supposed to be based on is neither obviously present in its design nor its flavor. This mythical beast, which looks a little like a chimaera, is said to appear with the imminent arrival or passing of a sage or an illustrious ruler. Criminals fear this creature because it is said to detect guilt, and after sensing it the qílín would stare at the guilty party and pierce their hearts. Although it is almost always depicted as having hooves, these are hooves of an ox, while traits of dragons, fish and lions are also present in its appearance. Just not giraffes. And Girafarig doesn't have any of the characteristics that define a qílín either, so here's another mystery. To me, at least.

Pretty nifty papercraft Girafarig. 

What's not a mystery to me, however, is Girafarig's utility in the competitive scene. It is a pretty well-rounded Pokémon, but its well-rounded stats are somewhat mediocre. Its special attack and speed are passable and so is its attack, but it doesn't need the latter and its defenses are nothing to write home about. Especially when you consider Girafarig doesn't have a massive HP stat, its base 65 defenses are complete and utter ass. It might be able to take two hits, but otherwise it is pretty easily knocked out and thus it should be used as a hit-and-run Pokémon. And with just passable special attack and speed stats, it isn't particularly good at that, either. Luckily, it has access to Calm Mind, which raises its special attack and special defense by one stage. If you manage to pull some off, you can have a specially bulky Pokémon that can hit incredibly hard after that, especially with a Modest nature and a Life Orb as its held item (although it wears Girafarig down quicker than you'd want). The rest of its moveset should consist of Psychic, Dazzling Gleam and either Energy Ball or Thunderbolt. It also learns Hyper Voice for some STAB damage (Girafarig is a normal/psychic type, strangely) and Shadow Ball for some more coverage, but Psychic is usually enough. From ORAS on, it has had access to Nasty Plot as well, if you really want to go with the hit-and-run tactic, and if by any happenstance you encounter an Adamant Girafarig or in-game use: it learns Zen Headbutt, Crunch, Earthquake, Return and Iron Tail.

Wanna suprise your opponents, by the way? Put a Choice Band on a physical-based Girafarig - with the first four physical moves I mentioned, that is - and fire away. It is more of a gimmick though, and not really recommended, but you might have some serious fun with it.

This is some incredible 'realistic' art of Girafarig. Not bad at all!

Girafarig's design is quite interesting, and I appreciate the originality Game Freak put in it, but I think its flavor could have been a little bit more. Of what I don't know, but at least more of something. Hey Game Freak, give it telekinetic traits, or characteristics that fit this whole qílín thing, why don't you? Heh. On a more serious note, though, Girafarig is a decent Pokémon all around and I actually really like it. I've never used it in a playthrough, but I'm not opposed to the idea whatsoever, and I'm just waiting for the right opportunity. Meanwhile, I will have to do with giving Girafarig a well-deserved 4-star rating.

Rating: 4/5

#190, #424: Aipom & Ambipom

Ash's Aipom had a penchant for headgear,
especially Ash's hat, as you can see in these
images. You can't see it here, but Aipom
usually has a cowlick atop its head.

Aipom, wipe that stupid grin off your fucking face.

You know, this time I'm glad Game Freak did the right thing and actually gave such a bad Pokémon a great evolution. But however bad a battler Aipom might be by itself, it is actually a pretty fun Pokémon. At the end of the Advanced Generation series (seasons 6 to 9), Ash encountered one that had quite the playful and jealous nature and had a fetish for headgear, continuously stealing Ash's hat and even getting itself into trouble when it put on a crown that couldn't be taken off. Eventually, a berry helped solve the problem. A bigger problem was that the Advanced Generation series ended shortly after Ash acquired Aipom, causing him to leave all of his Pokémon behind when he left for Sinnoh - with the exception of Pikachu, of course. But Aipom would have none of it: he attacked Professor Oak and snuck aboard the boat Ash was traveling on to accompany him on his journey. This proved to be extremely beneficial, as Pikachu was kidnapped by Team Rocket immediately upon arrival and Aipom helped Ash find him. Ash ultimately traded Aipom for Dawn's Buizel, as Buizel was more interested in Ash's battle training and Aipom was more interested in Dawn's Contest-oriented training. Ash must have regretted that, because soon after the trade was made, Aipom learned Double Hit and evolved into Ambipom. And let's be honest, Ambipom is much better than Aipom and has a lot more tricks up its sleeve.

To hell with fan art, anime screenshots are much more interesting to use in this
particular article. Look at that smirk on Ambipom's face! 

But let's not jump the gun, I want to focus on their flavor first. Aipom seems to be based on a squirrel monkey with traits of cymbal-banging monkey toys and the ahuizotl, a creature of Aztec mythology that has monkey hands and a fifth human hand on its tail. Aipom's tail does look like a hand; its tail is actually prehensile and is strong enough to anchor Aipom to a branch and suspend the rest of its body in the air, while it is delicate enough to pick fruit and grab other objects. Aipom even wraps its tail around tree branches as it sleeps upside down, and even uses it to swing from branch to branch. Ironically, its actual arms aren't all that dexterous because it uses its tail so much. And Ambipom? Well, Ambipom has two tails, both of which have hands on it and both of which it can use equally well - hence the reference to 'ambidextrous' in its name. Its tails are so adept at handling and doing things that it barely uses its hands anymore, and they're used to leap from tree to tree with brilliant speed. Those trees seem to be Aipom and Ambipom's habitat, which is nicely demonstrated by the games: in Gold, Silver and Crystal - and their remakes - Aipom can be found in Headbutt trees, while in Diamond, Pearl and Platinum you have to smear Honey on Honey trees to attract them instead.

These girls just want to have fun. 

Aipom evolves into Ambipom by leveling it up while it knows the move Double Hit, which is the kind of evolution method used for evolving Lickitung into Lickilicky (ugh, I cannot emphasize enough how much I despise that thing), but with the move Rollout instead. There's just one difference: while Lickilicky should avoid using Rollout, Double Hit is actually a viable move for Ambipom to use... when it's running the Technician ability, that is. Pickup lets it occasionally pick up items after winning battles in a regular playthrough, so it's only handy outside of competitive play (Ambipom does pick up one-time use items of opposing Pokémon in battle and uses them itself, but only when it is not already holding an item, and you don't want that), while Skill Link enables it to let multi-strike moves always strike the maximum number of times. As Skill Link only affects Double Slap, with 15 power, and Fury Swipes, with 18 power, it is by far not the preferred ability. True, both moves will strike five times, but the combined power of these moves are 75 and 90, respectively, while Double Hit always hits two times for 35 power a pop. This will be 52.5 power per hit when Technician is applied, which can add up to 105 power in total. That's more than the maximum power of 102 from Return, although Double Hit does have lower accuracy.

No, don't ask me why Double Hit always hits two times and Double Slap can hit two to five times, because I have no clue whatsoever. I can only theorize that it has something to do with their original Japanese names: when translated, the Japanese name for Double Slap is Round Trip Slap, which does not indicate a specific number of strikes, while Double Hit is Double Attack.

Somehow this kind of ghostly wallpaper art fits Ambipom perfectly.

But let's not digress here. Ambipom isn't the best Pokémon in the competitive metagame, but that's not to say you can't compose a good set for it. It excels in attack and speed, while its defenses are pretty abysmal altogether, so it's more of a hit-and-run Pokémon. Give Ambipom a Jolly nature and a Life Orb and make its moveset look as follows: Fake Out (priority move that makes the opponent flinch and is boosted by Technician), Double Hit/Return (whichever you prefer), Knock Off and U-Turn. This is more of a utility moveset, but if you want more of an offensive threat, Ambipom also learns a variety of other physical-based moves: Seed Bomb, Gunk Shot, the elemental punches, Acrobatics (doesn't work well with a Life Orb, which it needs; its attack is good, but it needs all the power it can get), Brick Break, Focus Punch, Iron Tail and a bunch of Technician-boosted moves like Revenge (this move doubles its base power of 60 when Ambipom is hit first, but the ability only activates when Ambipom gets the first hit instead), Pursuit, Aerial Ace, Thief, Covet and Power-Up Punch. Lastly, one gimmicky strategy you could use is the Fake Out/Last Resort combo. Last Resort is a normal-type move with 140 base power and it will only activate when all of the other moves Ambipom knows have been used at least once without having switched Ambipom out during the battle. It can be pretty lethal combined with a Life Orb, but Ambipom will end up with only two moves in its arsenal, which could turn out to be disadvantageous.

Oh, one more thing: both sets make a Choice Band or Choice Scarf pretty useless, so I don't recommend using them as alternatives to the Life Orb.

Ambipom's official art is heavily modified, but I think it's pretty this way. 

Man, I love Ambipom and I think it is easily the best Gen. IV cross-generational evolution alongside Rhyperior. Aipom was pretty enjoyable back in the day, but I have slowly come to love Ambipom since it was introduced in Diamond and Pearl. I thought it was weird, but now I regret not putting it in my top 50 favorite Pokémon (check my badly-written previous blog for that; or rather, don't). After all this praise, you probably think I'm gonna give it a perfect rating... and you would be entirely correct.

Rating: 5/5

#298, #183 - #184: Azurill, Marill & Azumarill

Another thing: why does Azurill always look so sad, even
in official art? 

Okay, I know I repeatedly called baby Pokémon dumb, but this might be even dumber than dumb. Because WHAT is the point of giving Marill - a water type - a normal-type pre-evolution? So fucking pointless, I'm telling you... Everything about Azurill's flavor suggests it should be a water Pokémon, too. Its nutrient-packed tail looks like a beach ball and is often used as a flotation device or lifebuoy; it lives near the water's edge and likes to gather there with others of its species and splash about on sunny days; its classification as the 'Polka Dot Pokémon' refers to the Japanese word for 'polka dots', mizutama, literally meaning 'water balls'; its name contains the word 'rill', which is a synonym for a small river or brook; and its level-up movepool mainly consists of water-type moves, for heaven's sake! And then Game Freak made it a normal type. I don't understand, but maybe I'm just stupid. At least Azurill and its evolutions have had one type in common since 2013: they all gained the fairy type in Pokémon X and Y, although why they did is a fucking mystery to me. Its typing is not the only thing that bothers me about Azurill, though. You see, it has a gender ratio of 25/75, meaning it is female 75% of the time, while both Marill and Azumarill have a perfect 50/50 gender ratio, which means that Azurill's gender can change upon evolving into Marill. That's... stupid. Unless you're transgender your gender won't change ever, so why didn't Game Freak give Azurill the same gender ratio as its evolutions? I don't get this either, but like I said: maybe I'm just stupid.

Old official art of Marill on the left, new art on the right.

No, I like Marill and Azumarill a lot better than Azurill. Except for their fairy typing, they make a lot more sense to me. Whereas Azurill's tail is packed with nutrients that Azurill needs in order to grow and is used to fling itself at bigger opponents, Marill's tail is full of oil that is lighter than water and allows it to remain steady against the roughest water currents. It also keeps Marill afloat; even when it dives its tail is seen on the water surface. Both Marill and its evolution Azumarill have sensitive ears that can detect distant sounds, and Azumarill's ears even act like sensors underwater in order for it to know exactly what prey is swimming about. Azumarill is a master at camouflaging itself, because the splash pattern on its body is based on countershading: the upper part of its body is blue to match the surface of the water, while the lower part is white to match the sunlight seen from underwater, It can inhale and store a large volume of air, which it uses to make balloons if it spots a drowning Pokémon. Marill and Azumarill are probably on rakali (commonly known as water rats) and swamp rabbits, respectively, even though they mainly live nearby water and not necessarily in water. Both species can swim, but the water rat runs faster than it can swim and I don't think swamp hares can dive and hear underwater as well as Azumarill can.

The Marill family: Azurill (right), Marill (middle) and Azumarill
(left). Marill doesn't really have a tuft of hair, but it surely makes
it much cuter. Besides, its Pokédex entries explicitly mention it
has a water-repellent fur. 

They are probably less capable fighters than Azumarill, I'll betcha. But there is one condition for Azumarill to be a good fighter: its ability Huge Power, which effectively doubles its current attack stat. Its base attack stat is only 50, but it's only an indicator of how high its attack can get: with a beneficial nature (preferably an Adamant nature), perfect IVs and proper EV training its attack can reach a decent 218 at level 100, which will become a massive 436 when Huge Power is applied. Its base 100 HP stat and base 80 defensive stats provide it pretty decent bulk, too, so it is perfectly capable of taking a hit first - which it has to, because its speed is abominable. Its great offensive utility allows it to run pretty much every set possible: you can give it a Choice Band or an Assault Vest, whereas the Belly Drum/Sitrus Berry set is a very viable option as well. The latter makes Azumarill more of a late-game sweeper, and the STAB priority move Aqua Jet really helps it with that. As for moves, Azumarill has access to a wide variety of moves, which makes it pretty diverse. Aqua Jet, Waterfall and Play Rough are its main STAB moves, while Ice Punch, Superpower, Knock Off and Iron Tail might come in handy as well.

Pretty neat 3D model of Azumarill. 

If you are familiar with my blog, you already know I did a fairy mono-type playthrough. Azumarill - of course with Huge Power - was the Gen. II fairy (Clefable was the Gen. I one, Mawile Gen. III, Togekiss Gen. IV, Whimsicott Gen. V and Aromatisse Gen. VI) and I have to say it was a real MVP. I've definitely grown more fond of it over the years. And Marill... You have to love it only because of the temporary nickname it got before it was formally introduced: Pikablu. Even the Topps trading cards for the first movie erroneously refer to it as Pikablu, until it was changed to Marill in the second printing. Heh. Marill and Azumarill are pretty good, although I'm not a huge fan of their designs. Too oval-shaped for a bunch of rabbits, I guess. It's a shame they had to get a pre-evolution, although I have to be honest and say that Azurill is kinda cute.

Rating: 4/5

#163 - #164: Hoothoot & Noctowl

Yes, Hoothoot resembles a clock. Noctowl, not so
much. 

While Pidgey and Spearow were the generic bird Pokémon of the first generation, Hoothoot is the generic bird of the second generation. In Gold and Silver it is only found at night-time, so it's not all that common as Pidgey and Spearow - or maybe that's just because kids usually play during the day rather than at night. While Hoothoot - which, of course, is derived from 'hoot', an onomatopoeia for the sound an owl makes - might not seem like something special, its design is interesting enough: time is a recurring theme in its flavor. Not only does Hoothoot have clock-like elements in its design, like the mask-like crest around its eyes that looks like they're clockwork gears with the hands of a clock protruding from them, but it also has an internal organ that senses the Earth's rotation. This organ allows Hoothoot to keep track of time, cocking its head rhythmically like a metronome as aid, and start hooting at precisely the same time every day. I wish I had a clock like that; Hoothoot is 100% accurate and doesn't need batteries or charging. I'll just have to make sure it doesn't evolve into Noctowl, because nothing in its flavor indicates that Noctowl can do the same thing Hoothoot can. If anything, it behaves perfectly like a normal-ass owl, having exceptional hearing and eyesight and the ability to fly silently. The only difference is that it rotates its head 180° to sharpen its intellect, but even then I'm not impressed in the slightest: normal owls can rotate their heads up to 270°, which is much further than Noctowl can. But is Noctowl worth it in the end? Why, it might be better for me to keep Noctowl around, because I won't be able to hear Hoothoot hooting with my poor hearing, anyway. I can't hear shit without my hearing aids...

A Noctowl with a bunch of Hoothoot.

Do you remember that I said that Furret isn't the best fighter but that it still did a good job in my Pokémon X playthrough? Well, Noctowl's special attack is a decent 76, the same as Furret's attack stat, although it's still nothing out of the ordinary. Furthermore, its HP and special defense are much better than its special attack, which makes it a special wall rather than an offensive threat. That's why a Calm nature is much preferred over any other nature, as it boosts special defense and lowers attack, a stat it isn't gonna use in the first place. With EV training in HP and special defense, the Leftovers as a held item, and an excellent support moveset (Roost for healing, Defog to remove entry hazards, Toxic to cripple foes and Night Shade to deal damage equal to Noctowl's level), Noctowl can be quite the tough Pokémon to take down. It still can't handle a physical hit with ease, though, so watch out with that. To top it off, you might want to have the ability Insomnia on your Noctowl, which - if that wasn't already quite obvious - prevents it from falling asleep by sleep-inducing moves. Keen Eye prevents the loss of accuracy and negates opponents' evasion boosts, but it's practically useless in competitive play, while Tinted Lens boosts not-very-effective moves, which is only handy when you're doing a regular playthrough. Speaking of which, a Modest Noctowl with Air Slash, Uproar, Psychic and Shadow Ball (or maybe Hypnosis) will suffice; you don't need support Pokémon in an LP.

Ash's shiny Noctowl, who he caught in "Fowl Play!"; season 3, episode 38.

However, Noctowl isn't a forgettable Pokémon by any means: Ash's shiny Noctowl will be forever etched into my memory (I don't know about yours, obviously). In the episode "Fowl Play!", Ash comes across a mad scientist who wants to capture the Noctowl by setting up traps - because Poké Balls are too mainstream - but is outsmarted by it time and time again. After Team Rockets stirs things up and then blast off for the 756,388th time, the Noctowl challenges Ash to a battle, who then captures it. Shiny Pokémon were definitely a thing back then, as they were introduced in Gold and Silver and were still brand new. Of course, their popularity has only increased since then, and we can't imagine any games without their presence.

Noctowl is a decent Pokémon all around, but of course you shouldn't put it up against an Articuno or something. That's why it resides in the PU tier, one of the lowest Smogon tiers, but at least it's good in what it does. Personally, Noctowl is not one of my favorite Pokémon, but it's still not bad and it deserves a 3.5-star rating.

Rating: 3.5/5

#161 - #162: Sentret & Furret

Fan art of Furret with Sentret on its back (left) and tail (right)

Look, I'm going to be the biggest fanboy you've ever seen here, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Let's start with stating that I don't care for Sentret. Although its name suggests that we're dealing with a ferret of some sorts, its appearance resembles that of flying squirrels and its behavior is actually more similar to meerkats. Sentret always behave nervously and cautiously, apparently fearing for their lives. They will never sleep alone; while the others sleep, there is always one Sentret that watches for danger by raising up on its tail - it can scan wide areas when doing so - and emitting a loud, shrill cry as a warning when it spots any kind of danger. The herd then flees, but if one Sentret gets separated from the others, it becomes sleepless with fear. Furret, on the other hand, is where I start fanboying so hard that even my mother will wonder if it wouldn't be better for me to check into an insane asylum. Because I absolutely 100% love and adore Furret. Look at it, IT'S JUST SO CUUUUUUTE!!!

That's okay, cutie, I don't mind. You can sleep in my sock drawer
as often as you want.

Seriously though, Furret has slowly become one of my favorite Pokémon ever, easily taking up a spot in my top 10. I know it wasn't included in my top 50 favorite Pokémon at all, but just ignore that blog. I'm just keeping it around because there might be a few things on it that I can use for this blog, but otherwise it's so badly written that it even makes myself cringe. Besides, I created that blog approximately three years ago and finished it in about two months, so it's hardly accurate or contemporary anymore. The good thing about my current blog is that I'm using a whole different concept: I can alter my reviews and ratings as many times as I please, while it doesn't affect the previous or subsequent articles. You can't exactly change the order of a top 50; I mean, it is possible, but it takes a lot of work and it's actually more hassle than it's worth. That's why I love this blog: by reviewing every single Pokémon in existence, I'm getting a much better perception of which Pokémon I like or dislike, love or hate. The articles are longer and I'm spending more time writing them, which is why I often get to know the Pokémon that I'm writing about much better than I did before. And if I get tired of a certain Pokémon, or if I was too hard on one, I can always alter its review and rating for better or worse. Not that this happened much yet (only a couple of times), but the possibility is still there.

Extremely adorable fan art of Furret standing in a meadow,
accompanied by Drifloon and Minccino. 

That allows me to fanboy over Furret without actually having to rank it before or after another favorite of mine, because Furret is indisputably one of my favorite Pokémon right now, only because of its high level of cuteness. Let's face it, Furret's flavor isn't interesting at all, and its fighting capacities are nothing to write home about. Well, I did do a Pokémon X playthrough in which I caught an Adamant Sentret and added it to my team, but it wasn't the best Pokémon by any means. It did a pretty good job, that's for sure, but I just wanted to use a Furret once and now I can say, "Mission accomplished." By the way, that is the only thing that Furret should be used for (it doesn't deserve to be used as an HM slave, it's way too adorable for that), because it is not suited for competitive play at all. Its stats are all mediocre at best and it has absolutely no durability in battle because of that. Furret has one trick up its sleeve (pun most definitely intended): Trick. This move switches Furret's held item with the opposing Pokémon's, and with the hidden ability Frisk you can see what item the opponent has before you make a decision. It's handy and it can cripple the foe, especially when a Jolly Furret is holding a Choice Scarf, but it is generally better to avoid using it competitively. Its decent to use in-game and it is very versatile move-wise, but Furret is not a good fighter.

Dammit, it breaks my heart to say that.

Peekaboo!

However, I should be happy that this Pokémon exists at all. I generally don't care for real-life ferrets and weasels (with the exception of ermines) because they're vicious little things, but Furret has gained a special place in my heart and it will stay there forever. By the way, I downloaded 23 images of Furret so I could potentially use them for this article, but I obviously couldn't use them all. Go take a look on Google Images, I'm sure you'll melt when you see all this cute fan art of Furret. I know I did.

Rating: 5/5

#446, #143: Munchlax & Snorlax

Munchlax holding a hamburger and a slice of pizza. I
guess it gulped them down within a matter of seconds.

Aside from the Pokémon that are in possession of an unquenchable fighting spirit there are also the Pokémon that are born tired and would rather eat and sleep than engage in tiresome battles. That makes it extra curious that the lazy Snorlax has gotten quite a hyperactive pre-evolution in Gen. IV: Munchlax doesn't mind walking and running from place to place as it looks for food (with its powerful base speed of 5, mind you). It is even classified as the 'Big Eater Pokémon' and can eat many servings of food at a time, eating its own weight of over 230 pounds of food each day without chewing, while rarely getting full at all. And it's barely two feet tall... Sometimes it's so desperate to wolf down food that it forgets about the food it has hidden under its fur. You're gonna smell it sooner or later, mate! But where Munchlax lives to eat, its evolution Snorlax lives to sleep, only waking up to eat 900 pounds of food without being picky about it: its strong stomach allows it to eat even moldy food without feeling any ill effects. After eating it goes right back to sleep. That's why it is always found sleeping in inconvenient locations: in Kanto it is found blocking the way in three places (Route 12 and 16 in Red, Blue, their remakes and Yellow; Vermilion City in Gold, Silver, their remakes and Crystal) and in Kalos it can be seen blocking a bridge on Route 7. And the only way to wake it up is playing a tune on the Poké Flute (Gen. I and Gen. VI) or play the Poké Flute tune on the radio (Gen. II).

Snorlax's sprites from Red and Blue all the way to X and Y show
it slowly getting off its lazy ass. 

Also, Snorlax's in-game sprites from 1996 to 2013 show it slowly standing up, and jokes are made about Snorlax needing 17 years and 8 months to get off his behind. But why the fuck is it so lazy in the first place? Well, it is not always clear what the hell Munchlax and Snorlax are based on, because they look a lot like cats in some ways, but they seem to share traits with bears. Munchlax's eating habits may be based on the fact that bears eat a lot of food before they go hibernating, which Snorlax tends to do a lot more than Munchlax does. Also, the only way to obtain a Munchlax in Diamond, Pearl and Platinum is to smear some Honey (yes, with a capital H) on special Honey Trees throughout the Sinnoh region and check up on them a couple of hours later, which only adds up to what it is based on, as most bears - and especially black bears - love honey. Additionally, Snorlax may be based on a so-called 'food coma', a state of sleepiness after eating copious amounts of food.

A parody of My Neighbor Totoro. 

Ironically enough, Snorlax is more than competent in competitive battling. Snorlax possesses a crazy amount of HP and some great attack and special defense as well. Its defense is kind of bad and its speed is just downright terrible, but its massive HP should make up for its mediocre defense stat, anyway. Due to its bulk, Snorlax is a very irksome Pokémon to deal with, and very hard to take down without good physical-based fighting-type moves. There are various ways to use Snorlax, but the most common method is the tank: Careful or Impish nature with EV investment in HP, defense and maybe special defense, and the Leftovers to hold for some annoying HP recovery after every turn. Moreover, a bulky Snorlax runs Curse (lowers its already terrible speed but increases attack and defense), Rest (fully recovers Snorlax but puts it to sleep as well), Body Slam (a pretty good STAB move that has a 30% chance to paralyze the foe) and either Earthquake or Crunch, depending on who and what you're gonna fight. Finally, the Thick Fat ability makes Snorlax resistant to fire- and ice-type moves, while Immunity prevents it from being poisoned. Both add up to its bulk and are excellent choices. Additionally, an all-out attacking Snorlax with an Adamant nature and a Choice Band or Assault Vest as held item might also work; its movepool is diverse enough for that. Especially when you invest some EVs in attack and either HP or defense (or both) and let it hold an Assault Vest, which gives it a 50% boost in its special defense but limits it to using damaging moves, Snorlax is still a bulky beast that's hard to defeat.

A Snorlax blocking the way on Kalos Route 7. 

Maybe it's because I find myself annoyed whenever I need to battle a Snorlax, but I don't really care for this thing. It doesn't look terribly interesting, and I think I've started developing an aversion towards obese-looking Pokémon in my hate for Lickilicky. Now, that wouldn't be entirely fair towards Snorlax, because I never hated it (and I technically still don't), but I don't particularly like that fat-ass, either. I'll grant it a narrow 3-star rating, but it'll have to make do with that; it's the best I can give it.

Rating: 3/5