#150: Mewtwo

Giovanni facing 'his' Mewtwo, disguised in its robotic suit, at
Team Rocket's HQ.

You know, out of all the evil teams in the Pokémon franchise, Team Rocket was probably the most wicked. And with Team Rocket I don't mean those pathetic fuck-ups who go by the names of Jessie and James; I am talking about the organized-crime syndicate led by Giovanni. You see, Giovanni is a first-class mob boss, aiming to become - and remain - the most powerful and wealthy criminal in the Pokémon world. He heard of the legend of the mythical Pokémon Mew and decided he wanted to create a Pokémon more powerful and terrific than that, and through cloning he managed to create Mewtwo (well, his scientists did). Giovanni even used Mewtwo, disguised in a robotic suit, in a Gym battle against Gary Oak in the 63rd episode of the anime's first season, "The Battle of the Badge". This resulted in Gary losing the battle. Not that Gary needed the Earth Badge to begin with, as he had ten badges already, but still... Anyway, two episodes later, in "Showdown at the Po-ké Corral", Mewtwo causes an explosion at Team Rocket's HQ and escapes to New Island.

Dr. Fuji's clones from left to right: Charmandertwo, Squirtletwo,
Ambertwo, Bulbasaurtwo and a young Mewtwo.

That's when the very first Pokémon movie comes into play: Mewtwo is the center of attention in this movie and we see its actual backstory in a ten-minute anime short added to TV airings of the film in Japan. That short actually also focuses on Dr. Fuji, a scientist who lost his daughter, Amber, and seeks to bring her back to life by cloning her. When Giovanni's explorers find fossilized remains of Mew in Guyana (which is a real country, by the way), Giovanni takes interest in Dr. Fuji's ambitions and asks him to extract DNA from the remains and make a succesful clone of Mew. Dr. Fuji accepts the offer and succeeds in cloning Bulbasaur, Charmander, Squirtle, Amber and Mew, whom he calls Bulbasaurtwo, Charmandertwo, Squirtletwo, Ambertwo and, of course, Mewtwo. The clones fail to show consciousness, but they are able to communicate with each other by using telepathy. However, the clones of the Kanto starters die and Ambertwo follows soon after, which leaves only a highly emotional Mewtwo. To calm it down, the scientists inject a memory-wiping serum that allows it to slowly mature while it sleeps.

This serum is very important, because it is assumed that this caused Mewtwo to have lost its ability to be compassionate. Also, it is said that the reason that Mewtwo is the only clone to have survived is because the creature it originates from, Mew, possesses an immortal life force. Makes sense.

The official poster for the first Pokémon movie.

The rest of Mewtwo's story we see in Pokémon: The First Movie - Mewtwo Strikes Back, in which Mewtwo breaks out of the tank it was cloned in. Upon finding out that the scientists saw it as nothing more than than result of their project, it blows up the whole goddamn place, presumably killing everyone inside. That's when Giovanni's helicopter arrives. Giovanni persuades Mewtwo to join him so that it can become stronger, but Mewtwo starts to develop a hatred towards mankind and soon becomes tired of being used by Giovanni. It then escapes, which we also see in "Showdown at the Po-ké Corral", and vows to begin its reign on Earth. Using a Fearow to spy on Trainers and a Dragonite to deliver invitations, Mewtwo lures the best Trainers to New Island, where it rebuilt the laboratory it was born in, in order to clone the Trainers' Pokémon and prove that the originals are no match for its clones. To succeed, Mewtwo created a variation on the regular Poké Ball, which is very much like a Master Ball in the sense that it captures any Pokémon without failure, but the only difference is that the Mewtwo Ball can also capture a Pokémon from inside its regular Poké Ball! A fight breaks out between the original Pokémon and their clones (including Mew and Mewtwo), until Ash steps up and demands the fighting to stop, only to get hit by two blasts of energy from Mew and Mewtwo. This caused Ash to turn into stone, much to the sadness of Pikachu, who fruitlessly attempts to wake Ash up by electrifying him over and over again. After Pikachu starts to cry, the other Pokémon follow Pikachu's example, and the many tears magically resurrect Ash. This is the point where Mewtwo realizes that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant: it is one does with the gift of life that determines one's destiny. It reasons that it would be better if no one remembered the events that had transpired, and erases the memories of all people and Pokémon on the island and transports them back to the mainland.

This creepy piece of Mewtwo fan art is
awesome!

Its Pokédex entries are a little different from the Mewtwo we see in the movie. Yes, it was engineered to be the ultimate battle machine, but that is not the reason why it can only think of defeating its foes. Although Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald state that the scientists who created Mewtwo failed to endow it with a compassionate heart, this is not entirely true. Mewtwo did show compassion after the loss of Ambertwo, but because the scientists at the lab on New Island gave it a serum to calm it down and let it forget what happened, it developed a hatred towards the human race. Then again, these Pokédex entries stem from the video games, in which Mewtwo's origin is an entirely different story. According to scientific logs found in the Pokémon Mansion on Cinnabar Island, Mewtwo was born of a pregnant Mew found deep in the jungles of Guyana, whose embryo had been tampered with in order to alter its DNA. It was held in the mansion, where a scientist performed horrific gene-splicing experiments that made it vicous and very powerful. It eventually broke free from the mansion, destroying it in the process, and sought shelter in Cerulean Cave, which the player can only enter after proving their skill at the Indigo League. Of course, the story provided in the video games wasn't really sufficient for the anime, so the anime creators needed a whole other Mewtwo story for the movie. Such a backstory is fine for Red, Blue and Yellow, but Mewtwo just sits in Cerulean Cave waiting for you to catch it in your Master Ball, which is hardly proper material for a full-fledged movie. Also, I can only imagine the horror-like shenanigans described in the games aren't suited to be used in a children's cartoon.

Mewtwo's Mega evolutions. On the left you can see Mega Mewtwo X, on the right
Mega Mewtwo Y. Both are drawn by Ken Sugimori and serve as their respective
official artworks. 

As for the competitive scene, I dont really have to explain that you can just go out there and commit cold-blooded murder. With a base stat total of 680, Mewtwo is one of the strongest Pokémon ever. It is bested only by Arceus, Black and White Kyurem, and several Mega evolutions - including its own - and equaled by a few other legendaries, usually game mascots depicted on the box art (with the exception of Hoopa Unbound). Its lowest stats are its defenses, which sit at base 90 and are very reasonable at worst. Mewtwo is also really versatile, because it can learn physical- and special based moves of so many different types and it can make good use of all of them, too. Especially as one of its Megas (like Charizard, Mewtwo has two), its attacking stats are off the charts, with Mega Mewtwo X being the strongest physical attacker in the game and Mega Mewtwo Y being the strongest special attacker. And I mean the strongest of all time. Damn.

Cloned Mewtwo floating in its tank while Mew is looking on. 

So, Mewtwo probably has the most extensive and versatile backstory I've seen so far. Well, while discussing the Pokémon on this blog, anyway. Design-wise it doesn't resemble Mew in the slightest; it looks more like an alien and doesn't have any feline traits that Mew does have, at least in my opinion. But that's not why I'm not giving it a perfect rating, something others tend to do because it is one of the original legendaries. Mewtwo is great, but because I like Mew a whole lot more, I'm giving Mewtwo half a star fewer.

By the way, what the fuck is UP with Mega Mewtwo Y? Mega Mewtwo X is pretty cool, and the Shadow version of it in the recently released Pokkén Tournament looks pretty goddamn awesome, but the Y Mega looks utterly ridiculous, with its skinny appearance and its tail on its head. Ugh, it shouldn't have existed in the first place. Well, here you have yet another reason why Mewtwo is not getting 5 stars from me.

Rating: 4.5/5

#133 - #136, #196 - #197, #470 - #471, #700: Eevee, Vaporeon, Jolteon, Flareon, Espeon, Umbreon, Leafeon, Glaceon & Sylveon

Y'all bitches better prepare yourselves, 'cause this is going to be one lengthy-ass article. I think. No, definitely.

Today I want to talk about one of my favorite evolution lines in existence: Eevee and its evolutions. They are often affectionately called Eeveelutions by most Pokémon freaks, and from here on out, I will refer to Eevee's evolutions by using this term. Unless, of course, I'm calling the Pokémon by its actual name. Obviously.

Eevee (middle), surrounded by its eight possible evolutions.

So... Eevee. Eevee is a curious Pokémon, being able to evolve into a whopping EIGHT possible Pokémon, which is more than any other Pokémon. Tyrogue is, with three possible evolutions, not even a close second; and if Game Freak had stopped adding new Eeveelutions after Gen. I, Tyrogue would have been tied with Eevee. But Game Freak didn't stop, and after Vaporeon, Jolteon and Flareon we also got Espeon, Umbreon, Leafeon, Glaceon and the recently added Sylveon. The main reason why Eevee is able to evolve into any one of these eight different Pokémon is because it has irregularly shaped DNA that allows it to adapt to many different kinds of environments, changing its appearance and abilities completely in order for it to better suit its surroundings. It all depends on its habitat. Eevee is not like Ditto, who can transfrom into any Pokémon it sees and change back whenever it suits it; Eevee's evolution is permanent and is triggered by fulfilling certain requirements. In Red, Blue and Yellow, evolving Eevee was relatively easy, as Vaporeon, Jolteon and Flareon were obtainable by exposing Eevee to a Water Stone, Thunder Stone or Fire Stone, respectively. After that, it became harder to have Eevee evolve. Espeon and Umbreon can both be obtained by maxing out Eevee's friendship level and then leveling it up during the daytime or nighttime, respectively. Eevee will evolve into either Leafeon or Glaceon by leveling it up near the Moss Rock or Ice Rock, respectively, but this can be hard, as Eevee has often been unobtainable (or the Moss and Ice Rock inaccessible) in the main storyline since Diamond and Pearl. Finally, Gen. VI saw the introduction of Sylveon, who can be obtained by leveling up Eevee while it has a fairy-type move on it and two affection hearts in Pokémon-Amie.

ISN'T THIS THE MOST ADORABLE THING YOU HAVE EVER
SEEN???

Eevee has always been one of the most popular Pokémon, and it seems to be Game Freak's sweetheart as well. In the first, second and fourth generations, as well as FireRed and LeafGreen (Red and Blue remakes), Eevee is given to the player by a non-player character (NPC). In Pokémon XD: Gale of Darkness and Pokémon Conquest, as well as some Mystery Dungeon games, Eevee is the starter Pokémon, while Pokémon Colosseum lets you start with two fully evolved Eeveelutions: Espeon and Umbreon. It's not a surprise that Eevee is so popular: because it is able to evolve into eight different Pokémon of eight different types, it is so diverse that it is impossible not to have at least one favorite Eeveelution. And maybe Eevee itself is one of your favorite Pokémon, just because it's so friggin' adorable. There is an abundance of cute Eevee fan art to be found on the Internet, as well as countless pieces of Eeveelution fan art. And rightfully so, because there is something to be said for any one of the Eeveelutions: Jolteon is the coolest, for example, while Flareon is the cutest, Espeon and Sylveon are the prettiest and Umbreon has the prettiest shiny form.

Look at how savage they are. ROAR!!!

It really helps that each Eeveelution has its own distinct flavor and battle tactics. Vaporeon, for example, has a cell structure that is similar to water molecules, which allows it to melt away and make itself invisible while underwater. It has the ability to control water, and when its fins begin to vibrate, it is a sign that rain will come within a few hours. Because it shares traits with felines and fish, Vaporeon's design may be a visual pun on the catfish, although it may also be inspired by the Telchines of Greek mythology, the original inhabitants of Rhodes. Eevee and its evolutions are even said to be based off of canines, but I personally think they look more feline rather than canine, with the notable exception of Jolteon. Back to Vaporeon. Competitively, Vaporeon has some beefy HP to it, as well as excellent special attack and some pretty damn good special defense. It is therefore often used as a wall, sporting a Bold nature to beef up its mediocre defense, so that it can take physical hits just as well as special ones. Combine it with the ability Water Absorb (nullifies all water-type attacks used on Vaporeon and heals it for 25% of its maximum HP whenever possible), the Leftovers to gain some HP back every turn, the Wish/Protect combo and Heal Bell for some annoying recovery, and Scald for a high chance to burn and thus reduce the impact of physical hits on Vaporeon, and Vaporeon just becomes a pain in the ass. You can also go for an all-out offensive approach; its excellent special attack and access to Ice Beam and other coverage moves like Signal Beam and Shadow Ball leaves it perfectly viable for that.

Awww, Eeveelutions can be cute, too! 

Jolteon, on the other hand, is all about the hit-and-run tactic. It excels in special attack and speed and is therefore more often used as an all-out attacker. A Timid nature, a Life Orb or the Choice Specs as held item and the ability Quick Feet (increases speed when suffering from a non-volatile status condition, although Volt Absorb works great, too) really help it to outspeed most other Pokémon and KO them in one or two hits, especially with moves like Thunderbolt, Volt Switch, Signal Beam and any type of Hidden Power. Jolteon can also learn Shadow Ball, if you find that convenient. Its relatively low HP and defense render it quite frail, though, so watch out. But it's not only its utility in the competitive scene that makes Jolteon a cool Pokémon: its design and flavor are some of the best of the Eeveelutions, in my opinion. Electric-type Pokémon tend to have cool, streamlined designs, and Jolteon is no exception. It is easily sad, angered or startled, and when it is, the hairs of its fur become needles that are fired at its opponents. Every time its mood changes, it accumulates negative ions in the atmosphere to blast out 10,000-volt lightning bolts. Even its cells produce electrical charges, which Jolteon amplifies with the static electricity of its fur and eventually discharges. Because of its feline traits, Jolteon may be based on Raijū, a mythical beast from Japanese mythology whose body is made of thunder and may take the form of a cat.

Fun fact: Jolteon is actually the only Eeveelution with no visible tail.

There is an abundance of cool and cute Eeveelution fan art to be
found on the Internet, but you'll encounter the occasional funny
piece as well. 

But while Jolteon is cool and all, it is not my favorite Eeveelution. Flareon is, and that's because its design comes closest to Eevee of all Eeveelutions. And I love Eevee for its adorableness, so take one guess why I prefer Flareon over all of the others... Exactly, because it's the fluffiest. Its flavor is perfect for that, too, as its fire typing causes it to have a high body temperature up to 1,650°F. That's where its fluffy fur comes into play: it acts as a conductor to release heat into the air, so that Flareon's body doesn't become excessively hot. Its high body temperature is caused by an internal flame sac, which Flareon uses to store and heat inhaled air then exhale it as fire as hot as 3,000°F. This sounds incredibly powerful, but sadly, Flareon isn't such a good competitive battler. It just doesn't seem to have the right stat distribution, because its attack is fantastic and its special defense is really good as well, but everything else just doesn't fit in. It has mediocre HP, defense and speed, which means it is quite frail and will often have to take a hit before it gets the chance to attack, provided that it does get a chance to attack. Its lack of good physical fire-type moves up until Gen. V made it one of the least favorite Eeveelutions to use competitively, which is more than understandable. Thankfully, it got Flare Blitz in Gen. VI, but it deals recoil damage, so watch out with that. As for the rest of its set, Superpower and Quick Attack are must-haves, while Iron Tail can be used to cover rock and fairy types and Substitute may be an option to delay Flareon's downfall. Give it an Adamant nature and give it a Choice Band, or make use of its hidden ability Guts, which increases Flareon's attack by 50% when it has a status condition, and let it hold a Toxic Orb (a Flame Orb won't work, because fire-type Pokémon can't get burned). The Choice Band is the better option, but because of the lack of good physical moves and its poor stat distribution, Flareon sucks ass in the competitive scene. It breaks my heart to say that, but yeah...

More Eeveelution fan art. 

Luckily, we have Espeon, who has about the same hit-and-run tactic like Jolteon. Blessed with excellent special attack and very good speed, Espeon is a great Pokémon to use in the UU tier. It has access to Psychic, Dazzling Gleam and Shadow Ball, as well as Signal Beam, Grass Knot and Morning Sun for some instant recovery, just for convenience. A Timid nature and the Choice Specs or Choice Scarf (a Life Orb if you want to add Calm Mind to Espeon's moveset) are recommended, as is its ability Magic Bounce, which reflects all status moves that would otherwise disadvantage Espeon back to the opponent. Hah, try to Thunder Wave me now, bitch! Synchronize, which causes the opponent to get the same status condition they gave to Espeon, seems nice, but you're better off with Magic Bounce. Espeon seems like a magical Pokémon in the first place, and that's not that far from the truth. Espeon uses the fine hairs of the velvety fur that covers its body to sense and read air currents, so that it can predict the future, the weather and an opponent's movements, while its forked tail quivers when it does that. Espeon appears to be based on the nekomata, also known as bake-neko, which are mysterious and intelligent fork-tailed cats. Ancient writings describe the nekomata as having 'eyes like a cat and a body like a dog', which could explain why Espeon looks feline as well as canine. Espeon is a light-hearted and loyal Pokémon, other than Umbreon (who was introduced in Gen. II alongside Espeon), who has kind of a dark personality.

Shiny Umbreon has blue rings and yellow eyes instead of yellow
rings and red eyes. I think it's very fancy. 

That is not exactly surprising, as Umbreon is a dark-type Pokémon. Being completely black, it can make itself perfectly invisible during nighttime, although the yellow rings on its fur glow faintly when it is exposed to the moon's aura (which is how it evolved in the first place) or when it gets exceptionally excited. It's also a defense mechanism that strikes fear into the hearts anyone nearby, and whenever it is agitated it sprays a poisonous sweat to keep the foe at bay. Its flavor suggests that Umbreon takes on more of a defensive tactic, and that is exactly what it is about. Provided with excellent defenses and some pretty good HP, Umbreon acts as a tank and is usually a pain to take down. Its attacking stats are really poor, though, but it doesn't need them, so don't worry. The Wish/Protect combo is a common tactic that makes Moonlight for instant recovery kinda useless, but it has Heal Bell to cure status conditions and Foul Play to deal some good damage, using the foe's attack stat against them rather than using its own. That way, it doesn't even matter if you're running a Calm, Careful, Impish or Bold nature; any of those is completely fine for it. Of course, the Leftovers are the obvious held item for it, but this time you'd do better to run Synchronize, as Inner Focus only prevents Umbreon from flinching. That seems nice, but it is purely situational and Umbreon can take a hit just fine, anyway. I just can't get over the fact that it looks a little like a hare or a rabbit (the ears!), which is why it could be based on East Asian folklores concerning a moon rabbit.

Why is it so HARD to pick fan art for this article? This one is
totally cute, though.

The Gen. IV additions work a little bit differently from Espeon and Umbreon, as Leafeon is just a... why, it's basically a plant. Well, its genetic structure is that of a plant, which allows it to perform photosynthesis and purify the air around it by sleeping under patches of sunshine. Although it is a pacifist and prefers not to fight, Leafeon has some very good attack, excellent defense and some pretty decent speed. All of its other stats are kinda meh, but if you manage to get a Swords Dance off, you can sweep with Leaf Blade and X-Scissor. Leafeon learns Knock Off, which is handy to make the foe lose its held item, while Synthesis provides some recovery, Baton Pass can be used to pass on the attack boost from Swords Dance to another Pokémon, and Iron Tail provides some very nice coverage against ice and fairy types. Those are all viable options. So what about natures, items and abilities? An Adamant nature isn't bad, but it's not preferred over a Jolly nature. A Choice Band locks Leafeon into using just one move until it is switched out, but it boosts its attack by 50%, while a Life Orb works just as well. Now, Leafeon works best in a sun team, because both of its abilities are only beneficial when the sun is up: Chlorophyll will double its speed, while Leaf Guard prevents it from being afflicted by non-volatile status conditions. So slapping Sunny Day on it might not be a bad idea, either. Additionally, you can even go the (physically) defensive way, but there's Vaporeon and Umbreon for that, so it's kind of unnecessary.

If you gather all Eeveelutions together, the result is a very
colorful bunch. 

Leafeon is definitely a good Pokémon, but Glaceon faces the same problem as Flareon: its stat distribution is not quite right. It has excellent special attack and some pretty good defensive stats, but it doesn't have the speed and HP stats to back them up. It can take a hit, but not exceptionally well, and like Flareon, Glaceon suffers from 'Shallow Movepool Syndrome': the best moves it gets are Ice Beam, Shadow Ball and Signal Beam, but that's about it. Water Pulse and Hidden Power are weaker options with just base 60 power, but I guess Glaceon can pull them off decently with that base 130 special attack. Just make sure you have a Modest-natured one holding the Choice Specs or a Life Orb. Maybe you'd be better off teaching Glaceon Hail, since both its abilities trigger when it's hailing: Snow Cloak raises Glaceon's evasion by 25%, while Ice Body heals a little of its maximum HP every turn. It's a tactic, but it takes time and it's a little bland; just use Vaporeon if you want an Eeveelution with Ice Beam. It's as slow as Glaceon and doesn't hit as hard, but it's bulkier and at least you're sure it'll survive a few hits. Unfortunately, Glaceon's flavor is as bland as its battle strategy. It can freeze its fur and make it stick out like sharp needles, and it is capable of creating ice crystals around it by lowering the temperature of its body and its surroundings. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think that is overly special. I really, really like Glaceon's design a lot, but I don't think I would ever use it; at least not competitively.

Sylveon the dragonslayer.

Finally there's Sylveon, the latest addition to the Eevee family. X and Y introduced Pokémon-Amie, a sort of in-game app that allows you to pet and feed your Pokémon. Play with Eevee for a while and have it gain two affection hearts, and it will evolve when you level it up while it knows a fairy-type move. It'll be worth your while, though, as Sylveon is a beautiful Pokémon with a calm vibe to it, emitting a soothing aura from its ribbon-like feelers to calm fights. Of course, Sylveon is very affectionate towards you because you played with it in Pokémon-Amie, so it has the tendency to wrap its feelers around its Trainer's arms and walk with them. Sylveon is based on a sylph, a mythological spirit described as invisible beings of the air, which is why it received the brand new fairy typing. The fairy type has become infamous for its advantage over dragon types, being super effective on and completely immune to them. That's also what makes Sylveon so incredibly popular, along with the fact that it's capable of learning Psyshock, a well-liked move that deals physical damage using the user's special attack. Throw in a Modest nature, the moves Shadow Ball, Moonblast and either Hidden Power or Calm Mind with Choice Specs or a Life Orb, respectively, and it'll be tough to take down, especially on the special side of the spectrum. A Timid nature is an option, but Sylveon isn't very fast in the first place, and you want to max out that delicious special attack. As its special defense is by far its best stat, you could also run the Wish/Protect combo, although Vaporeon is generally better-suited for that, as it has more HP (even though Sylveon's base 95 HP isn't bad in the slightest).

Oh, one more thing: Cute Charm is a bad ability; you definitely want its hidden ability Pixilate, which turns all normal-type moves it uses into fairy-type moves. That works well with Hyper Voice, turning it into a STAB move for Sylveon that goes right through Substitute. It's weaker than Moonblast by only five base points, but it does get a boost from Pixilate, so it certainly pays off!

Very glittery and fancy fan art of the Eeveelutions, with Sylveon in the forefront.

In the end, not all Eeveelutions are equally good, but at least everyone has a favorite one. As I already stated, mine is Flareon, even though it is not the best battler out there. Besides, Eevee is so goddamn cute that it almost kills me. And yes, I know I'm a guy and all, but I have a thing for amazingly cute Pokémon, okay? So leave me be. Anyway, the fact that Eevee evolves into eight different Pokémon (obviously not at the same time) makes it one of the most unique Pokémon to date. And I have the feeling that the developers at Game Freak aren't done with Eevee yet, because I'm wondering whether Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon will contain brand new Eeveelutions as well, even though this whole sun-and-moon concept has been done with Espeon and Umbreon before (and again with Solrock and Lunatone). Then again, new Eeveelutions might be entirely unrelated to the games' storyline.

Okay, what the hell am I doing? We know absolutely nothing about the new games, only that they were announced a short while ago. It's way too early to speculate about games that won't be released until next winter, which is still nine months away, ha ha ha. Damn. Anyhow, all I know is that Eevee and the existing Eeveelutions are definitely some of my favorite Pokémon, because of their designs and uniqueness. You probably won't be surprised I'm giving all of them a perfect rating.

AND NOW I'M DONE FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING MONTH, GODDAMMIT! (Just kidding.)

Rating: 5/5

#238, #124: Smoochum & Jynx

Is it just me and my dirty mind, or is this genius piece of TCG art
a tad bit provocative? "Ayo gurrrl, show me dat booty!"

First Hitmontop, now Smoochum?

Goddamn, Game Freak must have liked them medieval bowl cuts back then...

Well, you know my opinion about baby Pokémon by now, don't you? So I don't have to tell you what I think about Smoochum, even though I don't particularly hate its design. Too bad its flavor is so incredibly boring though, because there is absolutely nothing about it that is remotely interesting, aside from the fact that Smoochum uses its thick, sensitive lips to identify and examine objects that it sees for the first time. So it's clumsy? Who cares, so am I. So it's vain? Yeah, me too. Jynx is a whole other matter. It likes to wiggle rythmically with its hips while it walks, so it already knew what it had to do with that big fat butt before Jason Derulo even sang about it; and on top of that, it alters the rhythm of its moving hips depending on how it is feeling. Its bouncingly alluring motions can make other people compelled to shake their hips with it without giving any thought to what they are doing. Jynx also talks in a strange, incomprehensible language that sounds human, but it is impossible to tell what it is trying to say and research is still being carried out to decipher its words.

Jynx as seen in the off-season anime episode
"Holiday Hi-Jynx", which was intended to be
the 39th episode but was rescheduled
following the seizures that "Electric Soldier
Porygon" caused to Japanese children.

However, that is not what makes Jynx so interesting. What's interesting is that, even 'til today, Jynx has been notorious for being a very controversial figure, within the fan base as well as outside. You see, Jynx originally had a black skin color combined with thick lips, which caused one Carole Boston Weatherford to complain that Jynx was a negative racial stereotype of African-Americans after she saw the episode "Holiday Hi-Jynx". Weatherford's complaint has caused many repercussions in the Pokémon franchise, starting with the alterations of Jynx's sprites in the Western releases of Gold and Silver. Its design has gradually changed since then, in all possible media: from the games and the anime to the TCG art and the manga (its skin was changed from a deep black to a dark gray, so to suggest that Jynx are purple). From Ruby and Sapphire onwards, Jynx's official sprites have been purple rather than black, even in Japan. The 41st episode of the fifth season of the anime, "The Ice Cave!" (English translation of the Japanese title), was skipped in its entirety in the English dub because Jynx still had its original skin color and, above all, played an important role in the episode. Also, it is said that another reason that the episode was banned was because Brock got really sick in it, suffering from a cold with symptoms that looked like SARS, a disease that caused an epidemic at the time, especially in China. However, this was dismissed as bullshit a short while after that, because the episode aired in China without causing any problems or controversy and because Jynx made a cameo appearance in the 13th episode of the sixth season, "All Things Bright and Beautifly!", that was cut from the English dub because of its black skin color. Only from the 23rd episode of season 8 onwards did Jynx's redesign appear in the anime, and it was the first time that Jynx was shown in the flesh in America since "Holiday Hi-Jynx".

But it doesn't end there.

Left: Jynx's original official art. Right: Jynx's current official art.
Both are created by Ken Sugimori.

Following the controversy surrounding Jynx's racial aspects, it is often discussed within the Pokémon fandom what it is based on. To this day, it is still not clear what Jynx is supposed to represent, although the fact that it is depicted as Santa's helper in "Holiday Hi-Jynx" might be a reference to the Dutch folklore character of Zwarte Piet (pronunciation: zwar-tuh peet), meaning Black Pete or Black Peter. Zwarte Pieten are men in blackface and frilly seventeenth-century clothing that accompany Sinterklaas, a corruption of Sint-Nicolaas (Saint Nicholas) of Myra, Anatolia. This patron saint of children had a reputation of being very generous and handing out gifts, particularly leaving coins in strangers' shoes. This led to several myths and traditions of gift-giving in some European countries, mostly on his feast day somewhere in December. Sinterklaas can be seen as the Dutch equivalent of Santa Claus; in fact, modern-day Santa is directly derived from the Dutch figure of Sinterklaas. There's only one huge difference here: Santa's little helpers are usually elves, while Sinterklaas' companions are Zwarte Pieten. Also, Sinterklaas doesn't have reindeers pulling a sleigh; instead, he travels to the Netherlands by steamboat and rides a white horse called Amerigo (named after the Italian explorer and cartographer Amerigo Vespucci; in Flanders the horse is called Slecht-Weer-Vandaag, meaning 'bad weather today') while in our country.

Zwarte Piet has become very controversial in the Netherlands lately, because of
his black-as-soot face. 

In recent years, Zwarte Piet has become a controversial figure in the Netherlands, mainly because he is thought to be a racist caricature, which has led to the introduction of alternate- and multi-colored Pieten participating in some sinterklaasoptochten ('Sinterklaas parades') held throughout the country. Most Dutch people, myself included, are displeased with this change and are like, "Hands off of our tradition", but the Sinterklaas holidays are undergoing a change and it seems to be inevitable that Zwarte Piet will soon be nothing more than a figure in our history books. Don't get me wrong, I am not racist by any means. In fact, I don't think Zwarte Piet is black by nature. Little children believe Zwarte Pieten enter their house by using the chimney, leaving candy in their shoes every few days (usually chocolate coins) until sinterklaasavond ('Sinterklaas evening') arrives, on which children get a moderate pile of presents. Zwarte Pieten are supposed to represent chimney sweeps covered in soot, although it's actually Santa himself who has adopted the tradition of going through the chimney, only without the dirty face. Admittedly, the idea of Zwarte Pieten being chimney sweeps has been executed quite terribly, especially considering the Netherlands' past with slavery.

The yamanba side of the fashion style called ganguro. This girl
scares me more than Jynx does. 

Anyway, there are a few other figures who may be the inspiration for Jynx. A common interpretation may be that of a Nordic or Viking woman, due to Jynx's primary ice typing and the old-fashioned, breastplated gown it is wearing. Another theory is that Jynx has traits of a female opera singer, as Pokémon Snap and its Gen. III sprites depict it singing, espcially the Emerald sprite that animates it singing a high note. It may have its origins in yuki-onna, meaning 'snow woman' (hence Jynx's ice type), Japanese spirits that are associated with winter and snowstorms. Additionally, Jynx is probably based most on the Japanese spirit Yama-uba (with Smoochum being based on the human child she is raising, Kintarō), who is described as always wearing a tattered red kimono, seducing her victims by dancing, and having golden white hair, a dark-colored skin, large lips and control over winter weather (does all that sound familiar?). Yamanba is also slang for the extreme side of the fashion style ganguro, which involves bleached hair, artificial tanning and applying brightly-colored lipstick, usually pink.

Three Jynx performing some sort of dance in unison.

Yup, there is a lot to say about Jynx, but at the end of the day, the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question is whether Jynx is viable for competitive play. Well, is it? Sure, if you know what you're doing. Jynx possesses some great special attack, very good speed and special defense, average HP and downright terrible attack and defense. That attack is something Jynx doesn't need anyway, but that low defense just plain sucks. There is a certain tactic you can use when battling with Jynx: run one with a Timid nature and its hidden ability Dry Skin (the other two it has aren't really useful), have it hold a Focus Sash or Life Orb, put the foe to sleep with Lovely Kiss (kinda risky with just 75% accuracy, though), set up with Nasty Plot and fire away with Ice Beam, Psyshock or Psychic, and/or Focus Blast. It also learns Shadow Ball, Energy Ball and Signal Beam, just for some type coverage. You can also Scarf or Specs Jynx, but that means you won't be able to set up with Nasty Plot and then destroy the opponent with its moves, as these items lock Jynx into using just one move until it is switched out. Watch out with Dry Skin: it effectively gives Jynx an immunity to water-type moves and heals its HP by a maximum of 25% if it is hit by one, but it strengthens the opponent's fire-type moves by 25% as well. And that's a problem, because Jynx's ice typing already renders it weak to fire.

Jynx has been interestingly controversial, to say the least, and the last word about it has yet to be said. All in all, I consider Jynx to be nothing more than OK: its design is alright, its flavor is alright (it's all about kissing as well: Lovely Kiss, Sweet Kiss, Draining Kiss...), and despite the fact that the controversy it caused is rather interesting, it did hold me back from actually loving this thing. Also, I'm not particularly fond of humanoid Pokémon (Lickilicky and Mr. Mime in particular), but I like Jynx well enough, even though I think it's a little bit creepy.

Rating: 3.5/5

#439, #122: Mime Jr. & Mr. Mime

James from Team Rocket had a Mime Jr. from seasons 9 to 13. It
is probably using the move Attract in this image or something; I
don't even care. 

Oh my God, I hate clowns. And mimes. They're so fucking creepy.

And they just had to make Pokémon based off of them. Another goddamn baby Pokémon at that, too; like, you have got to be shitting me. As if Mr. Mime actually needed a pre-evolution. Just like any other baby Pokémon (barring Pichu, who can learn Volt Tackle trough breeding, and Togepi and Riolu, whom I consider basic forms rather than baby forms and who were introduced alongside their evolutions Togetic and Lucario in their respective generations), Mime Jr. serves absolutely no purpose other than being a Pokédex filler. Don't get me wrong; I actually like most baby Pokémon design-wise, but they're such pointless additions to the games from Ruby and Sapphire onwards. Breeding was introduced in Gold and Silver and I can live with the likes of Magby and Pichu and such, but baby Pokémon became redundant after that and Game Freak should have just focused on completely new, independent Pokémon not related to Pokémon that already existed and not on the latter's younger and weaker forms. Mime Jr. is one of those redundant babies, and it isn't even a good one in my opinion, because it just looks silly.

Papercraft Mime Jr. and Mr. Mime. NOW GO ON AND TELL ME
THAT MR. MIME ISN'T CREEPY, GODDAMMIT! 

But what is up with this mimicry thing of baby Pokémon in Gen. IV? I noticed that they always try to mimic one thing or another, whether it be their evolution (Happiny), other people or Pokémon (Mime Jr.) or even inanimate objects (Bonsly, whom I will write about when it's Sudowoodo's turn to show up here). Mime Jr. is doing nothing but clowning around, mimicking other people's expressions and motions to understand their feelings or imitating foes in order to create distractions and escape once they are confused. That is so typically a mime thing to do, and that is exactly why I hate those people. And I should prepare to get annoyed some more right now, because I am going on to Mr. Mime; and Mr. Mime (who actually has a 50/50 gender ratio despite its name) is a lot worse than its pre-evolution. Being an excellent pantomime, this Pokémon can solidify air molecules by vibrating its fingertips, creating actual invisible barriers. Don't disturb its act though, because it will slap you to hell and back when you do.

SEE? I KNEW MIMES WERE SECRETLY VIOLENT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Yes. Yes, this is exactly how I see Mr. Mime:
creepy as fuck.

All jokes aside, I'll acknowledge Mr. Mime's utility as a competitive battler. Although the psychic type has lost its appeal a little since the type got nerfed in Gold and Silver, Mr. Mime received a very useful typing in X and Y: fairy (don't ask me why this clown is a fairy type; I don't know and I honestly don't care, either). Unfortunately, its HP and defense aren't all that, but it makes that up with some decent speed and excellent special attack and special defense stats. Besides, it can reduce super-effective damage by ¼ with the Filter ability or it can prevent sound-based moves from having effect on it with the Soundproof ability. Furthermore, Mr. Mime has access to an ability called Technician, with which it can increase moves with a base power of 60 or less by 1.5. In Mr. Mime's case, this could potentially be applied to Confusion, Icy Wind, Shock Wave, Charge Beam, Confusion and Hidden Power, but it is generally better to run another moveset combined with one of the first two abilities I mentioned. Thunderbolt, Future Sight, Signal Beam, Shadow Ball, Psyshock, Energy Ball, Focus Blast, Dazzling Gleam and Psychic are viable options, but usually the last three moves are used. Occasionally, a status move like Nasty Plot (increases Mr. Mime's special attack by two stages) or Healing Wish (lets Mr. Mime faint, but fully heals the next Pokémon coming in) is thrown in for support or setting up. So, what about natures and items? Well, a Timid nature is the best option, but you could go for a Modest nature combined with a Choice Scarf. If that's not your cup of tea, the Choice Specs or a Life Orb are great options, as is an Assault Vest. That increases Mr. Mime's already high special defense by 50%, but only lets it use damaging moves.

Wow, this takes 'creepy' to a whole new level. I know Mr. Mime is exactly that, but
this is almost nightmarish...

Oh God, did I mention that I hate clowns? And mimes? Well, I do. And it's not that I think Mr. Mime is a bad Pokémon per se, but its design and flavor really don't appeal to me.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO' YOUR SHENANIGANS, BITCH!

Ugh, I think Mr. Mime is creepier than most Pokémon with so-called horror Pokédex entries such as Banette, Drifloon or Drowzee and Hypno (and those are only a few of them). I've developed a very, very strong dislike towards this Pokémon that is never ever gonna go away, and I don't think I want it to go away in the first place. I'll probably never hate it as much as I hate Lickilicky and Pelipper, but that won't stop me from giving this motherfucker only 0.5 stars, which is nothing to write home about...

Rating: 0.5/5

#120 - #121: Staryu & Starmie

Nice 'real-life' fan art of Staryu. 

I... I honestly don't know where the hell I have to start with this.

Why, we know that in the anime Misty had both Staryu and Starmie on her team, but we didn't see them all that often because her annoying-ass Psyduck unwelcomingly kept bursting out of its Poké Ball whenever Misty wanted to send them out to battle. Staryu seems to be some sort of weird starfish-like Pokémon with a jewel-like exterior organ called the core, which is held in place by a golden ring around its left 'leg'. The center of Staryu's body is apparently very important, because Staryu can regenerate its body when it's completely torn apart, as long as the core remains intact. This core glows brightest and flickers fastest (with the same rhythm as a human heartbeat) when the sun goes down, when whole flocks of Staryu float to the surface from the seafloors, aligning themselves and communicating with the stars in the night sky.

The star symbol of Inanna/Ishtar; it has Staryu's round core and
shares Starmie's trait of having more appendages. 

Starmie, 'the gem of the sea', is probably even weirder, because it appears to have developed an extra set of semi-attached appendages that are able to spin 360°. Its core shines in the seven different colors of the rainbow and can now emit radio waves that are powerful enough to reach the furtest parts of the universe, which is why it is believed that Starmie are extraterrestrial. People in ancient times even imagined that they were transformed from the reflections of stars that twinkled on the ocean waves at night. However, these are just rumors, and there is absolutely no convincing proof that Starmie come from outer space; maybe they just feel a connection with the stars... or something. If anything, Starmie and its pre-evo are based on the Mesopotamian goddess of love, fertility and warfare, Inanna, who was associated with Venus. That planet was regarded as two stars at that time, the 'morning star' and the 'evening star', which is why Inanna's (and her Akkadian counterpart Ishtar's) symbol is a four-pointed star that looks a lot like Staryu and Starmie combined. At least it leaves some fodder for discussion, but Starmie isn't much of a notorious Pokémon and its descent isn't really discussed often in the Pokémon community.

Starmie emitting multi-colored radio signals to space from what
I assume is the ocean floor.

When Starmie is discussed, however, it's in regard to how to use it in competitive play. There are a few ways to make use of it, but its base special attack stat of 100 makes it an excellent special attacker, especially combined with Choice Specs, a Choice Scarf or a Life Orb and a Timid or Modest nature. Starmie is capable of learning some pretty nifty moves that match its flavor, such as Recover (which is a must-have in the competitive scene), Confuse Ray and Dazzling Gleam. It also learns a variety of attacking moves, like Thunderbolt, Psychic, Surf, Hydro Pump, Scald, Flash Cannon, Ice Beam, Signal Beam, Psyshock, Grass Knot, Rapid Spin (which is often used on Starmie to get rid of entry hazard like Stealth Rock and Toxic Spikes), and even Power Gem if you bother to hold off evolving Staryu for a while. It even knows Reflect Type (also learned as Staryu), a move that changes Starmie's typing to the opponent's, which is handy if you see any super-effective moves coming your way and you want to remove entry hazards or heal up. You're spoiled for choice if you are composing a moveset for Starmie, but also when choosing an ability. Illuminate has no effect in battle and is therefore a worthless ability, but Natural Cure heals Starmie from a non-volatile status condition when you switch it out and Analytic increases the power of a move by 30% if the target has already acted in the same turn. That won't happen very often, as Starmie is fast, but you might as well make use of it. Natural Cure is the more reliable ability, though.

I like Starmie. I think it's weird, but a good kind of weird. It's one of those Pokémon that has a whole lot of mystery behind it (hence its classification as the 'Mysterious Pokémon'), and I think that's what makes it so fun to use, even though its design is not all that. You know what? I'll give it a 4-star rating, just for the heck of it. At least I like it enough to say that it deserves such a high rating, because Starmie is just a good and interesting Pokémon, period.

Rating: 4/5

#102 - #103: Exeggcute & Exeggutor

Official Sugimori art of Exeggcute. Ever wondered why the
middle one appears to be so evilly happy? Well, I'll tell you why
that is: IT HAS NO CRACKS IN IT!!!

It seems like someone at Game Freak just couldn't make up their mind.

You know, I have no problem with Pokémon that look like eggs. What I do have a problem with, however, is the inconsistency in the creation of Exeggcute, explicitly referred to as the 'Egg Pokémon'. And to be honest, I understand why, because Exeggcute clearly looks like a bunch of cracked eggs gathered together (apparently, their shells are very durable, so it can survive without spilling the contents), especially since one of the six eggs that form Exeggcute is cracked open entirely and has its yolk exposed. Or is that its brain? Anyway, Exeggcute's Pokédex entries tell a whole other story by saying they're not really eggs. And then they don't. And then they do. And then they don't. Like, WHICH ONE IS IT, GODDAMMIT? Here are some of these incredibly confusing Pokédex entries, so as to give you a clue what the goddamn hell I'm talking about.

Pokédex entry Red/Blue:
"Often mistaken for eggs. When disturbed, they quickly gather and attack in swarms."

Pokédex entry Ruby/Sapphire:
"This Pokémon consists of six eggs that form a closely knit cluster. The six eggs attract each other and spin around. When cracks increasingly appear on the eggs, Exeggcute is close to evolution."

Pokédex entry FireRed:
"Even though it appears to be eggs of some sort, it was discovered to be a life form more like plant seeds."

Pokédex entry Diamond/Pearl/Platinum:
"Its six eggs converse using telepathy. They can quickly gather if they become separated."

This is some awesome 'real-life' Exeggcute made out of eggs.
And yes, I'd personally like to see this Pokémon as such. 

You see what's the problem here? These Pokédex entries are clearly contradicting each other. Pokémon X and Y have made it even more confusing, as the former uses the entry from Diamond, Pearl and Platinum, and the latter uses that from FireRed. I know, right? Game Freak, will you just MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MINDS??? Jesus Christ. Well... at least some of Exeggcute's entries explain its secondary psychic typing, a typing it desperately needs as an Exeggutor, but I'll get back to that later. In all respects, it is recommended to let Exeggcute evolve by use of a Leaf Stone ASAP, preferably at level 17. At that level, you'll be able to teach it Bullet Seed and, upon evolution, Psyshock. And as Exeggutor has a very respectable attack stat (its special attack is off the charts, though), Bullet Seed is far from unusable, at least until you get access to a better grass-type move.

Official art of Exeggutor by Ken Sugimori. Each of its heads
has a distinct face and its own character and thinks
independently from each other, which is why its cries are so
noisy. When a head grows too large from exposure to strong
sunlight, it drops off and emits a telepathic call in search of
others to form an Exeggcute cluster.

That's for regular gameplay. In the competitive scene, however, Exeggutor is a great asset in a sun team, mainly because of its ability Chlorophyll, which doubles its mediocre speed stat when the sun is up. This is necessary to make Exeggutor some sort of sweeper, especially since it is naturally slow and has a whopping seven weaknesses, which can easily be exploited. Its hidden ability Harvest would normally be an excellent ability, as it automatically recycles a used Berry, but Exeggutor actually needs the speed boost here. I'd go with a Modest-natured Exeggutor, though a Timid one will suffice as well. The latter can be used for a little extra speed at the cost of some offensive presence, but either will be fine with Choice Specs or a Life Orb attached to it. And if you give Exeggutor Leaf Storm (be cautious with this move, it lowers Exeggutor's special attack stat by two stages after one use), Giga Drain (for more reliability), either Psychic or Psyshock (the latter might come in handy to check specially bulky Pokémon, as this move hits for physical damage but uses Exeggutor's special attack stat) and a fire- or ground-type Hidden Power (to check steel and/or poison types), you'll be A-OK.

At any rate, I actually like these Pokémon. In fact, I am currently doing a grass monotype playthrough on Pokémon Y (yeah, I like being weird) and one of the Pokémon I'm using is Exeggutor. I regret nothing, because its typing is extremely useful and it is easily the strongest Pokémon on my team. Yes, I do admit that 'The Walking Jungle' (even though it is just a single coconut tree) is a weird Pokémon, but weird isn't always a bad thing. That's why I'm giving Exeggutor a well-deserved 4-star rating.

Rating: 4/5

#96 - #97: Drowzee & Hypno

Two pieces of TCG art of Drowzee.

Sometimes I think Pokémon isn't meant for kids at all, because Game Freak come up with the scariest Pokédex entries for certain Pokémon.

The Pokémon I'm going to talk about right now are good examples of that.

Drowzee is a tapir Pokémon that is based on the Japanese myth of the baku, tapir-like creatures that are known for eating people's bad dreams. Drowzee basically does the same thing: it is able to put people to sleep and sense their dreams with its big nose, and will then eat those dreams through the victim's itching nose. Unlike the baku, Drowzee prefers fun dreams over nightmares, as the latter make it ill, and it will rarely eat the dreams of adults because children's dreams are seemingly tastier. They're TASTIER. Drowzee, you're already a creep for being some sort of dream pedophile, but the fact that you remember every dream you've eaten and can even pass them on to someone who sleeps by you is even creepier. Strangely enough, Drowzee is NOT able to learn Dream Eater in the video games; at least not by level-up. A few other Pokémon are, however, but the only one who can learn this particular move that somewhat matches its flavor is Darkrai. Drowzee, on the other hand, learns it through TM85 instead, which can be taught to numerous Pokémon that way. Game Freak, what up wit dat?

Rare Candy Treatment had the same issue with Drowzee not being able to learn
Dream Eater naturally. The only inconsistency is that Drowzee actually eats dreams
through the victim's nose rather than the ear. 

Anyway, if you thought Drowzee was scary, you ain't seen shit yet. You see, when Drowzee reaches level 26 it evolves into Hypno. That Pokémon is based on the same mythological monster its pre-evolution is based on (although Hypno looks more like a combination between a hypnotist and a proboscis monkey rather than a tapir, in my opinion), except it carries a glittering pendulum that it rocks at a steady rhythm to lull people into a deep hypnosis or put them to sleep in order to feast on their dreams, polishing its pendulum while it awaits its prey. But here's the thing: there once was an incident in which a Hypno took away a child it hypnotized. It's a KIDNAPPER! Game Freak, are you trying to let kids have a good time playing Pokémon or scare the shit out of them? Well, you can't say it's not an original concept to work with, at least I'll grant them that.

Hypno hypnotizing a child, which can be seen in the reflection of
his pendulum.

Too bad they didn't do anything in the video games to match its flavor. Okay, they let the player return a child who was kidnapped by a Hypno and taken to the nearby Berry Forest on Three Island (one of the Sevii Islands) in FireRed and LeafGreen, but I still don't get this Dream Eater thing. Not that Hypno needs that move anyway, because it will have to put the foe to sleep first and the only way it can do that is by using the low-accuracy move Hypnosis. Oh hey, looky looky at that: a flavor-matching move! Alright, enough with the sarcasm; let's see what Hypno is used for in competitive play. Its highest stats are its special defense and HP, so it won't come as a surprise that it is used a specially defensive wall. Combined with hold item Leftovers (to heal some of its HP after every turn) and ability Insomnia (so that Hypno can't be put to sleep) that can be accomplished very easily, especially combined with the Wish/Protect combo and a status-inflicting move like Thunder Wave or Toxic. Of course, Hypno should have an attacking move as well, which comes down to either Seismic Toss, which does damage equal to the user's level and is used against Pokémon that resist its STAB move Psychic, or Psychic itself. As for when using Hypno in a playthrough: it can learn Nasty Plot, which sharply raises its special attack, so a moveset consisting of Nasty Plot, Psychic, Shadow Ball and Dazzling Gleam is perfect. Its base 73 special attack (and physical attack, for that matter) might be a bit too low, but at least it's not entirely useless if you use at least one Nasty Plot.

I have never used Hypno before, and I don't think I want to in the future. It's not that I'm appalled by its characteristics or something (on the contrary, I quite find them some of the most interesting in the games), but Hypno is one of those Pokémon that has never really appealed to me, either. Aside from that, Hypno does have an interesting design and flavor, so I'll grant it a well-deserved 3.5-star rating.

Rating: 3.5/5

#79 - #80, #199: Slowpoke, Slowbro & Slowking

Scene from the "Slowpoke Song" music video.

Another split evolution, but this one is the dopiest so far. If you say that Slowpoke looks like it is dumb, you are absolutely right: it has dim intellect, often forgets what it was doing and - perhaps this is the worst one - responds to external stimuli after a very long time. For example, it can take up to five seconds for it to process pain and it can even take a day before it realises it has been bitten. Dopey? Yup, that is why the official Pokémon classifies Slowpoke as such. Recently, the Pokémon Company International, Inc. announced that it was Slowpoke week or something, and as a result they released a special song called the "Slowpoke Song". Now, if that isn't dopey, I don't know what is. One scene in the music video, in which eight Slowpoke form a circle by biting each other's tails, might even turn out badly for these Slowpoke (obviously, in the music video they'll be just fine). See, their flavorful and pleasant-to-chew-on tails are used as lure for fishing and they often break off and then regenerate. The video games even indicate that Slowpoke tails are seen as a delicacy by humans: Team Rocket sell them for a clean million Pokédollars each. The anime shows that Slowpoke will evolve into Slowbro the moment a Shellder holds on to its tail, after which Slowbro will lose the capability to feel pain due to Shellder's poison.

Heheh. Yeah, this is not really Slowpoke's evolution method in
the games, but it makes for some very good jokes. 

So, the tails are important? Not really. They make for a nice characteristic of Slowpoke, but in the games they are only used to create a storyline plot for Team Rocket and Slowbro is to be obtained by leveling Slowpoke up to level 37. That is quite late, to be honest. It has decent HP and therefore it is capable of taking a hit just fine, but its terrible special attack stat and mediocre attack stat (and the lack of good physical moves for it) makes Slowpoke fall behind quickly if you are going through a regular playthrough. Fortunately, there is another evolution method, as it is also capable of evolving into Slowking, introduced one generation later, by having Slowpoke hold a King's Rock and trade it. Apparently, that is not how it goes in the anime: when Slowpoke gets bitten in the head by a Shellder, the Shellder's venom is released in its brain, causing a chemical reaction that unlocks superior intellect, intuition and inspiration, and extraordinary power. More venom is injected into Slowking every time it yawns, which also causes Slowking to become more intelligent. However, if the Shellder on its head comes off, Slowking will forget everything it has learned.

Shellder, Shellder, Shellder. So that thing is important, after all. In the games, Mantyke evolves into Mantine when it levels up with a Remoraid added to the party, so why couldn't Shellder become the key in Slowpoke evolving into either Slowbro or Slowking (or both)?

Oh, that's right... Mantyke was introduced in Gen. IV and Slowking in Gen. II. I guess it just wasn't possible in the time of Gold and Silver. Alright, I'll let it slide.

Official art of Slowbro (left) and Mega Slowbro (right).

Fortunately though, Slowbro and Slowking are competent battlers. Slowbro even got a Mega evolution. And an uncomfortable one at that, as Slowbro gets almost completely devoured by the Shellder on its tail. Mega Slowbro's energy has gathered in the Shellder, and as a result the hardness of its shell is boosted, making an armor so hard that nothing and or no one can scratch it. And that is noticable, because Slowbro gets a huge boost in its defense (and a small one in its special attack) upon Mega-evolving. Regular Slowbro was already used as a physically defensive tank and a support Pokémon rather than an offensive one. A moveset consisting of Scald (for doing damage; it also has a chance to burn the foe), Thunder Wave (to paralyze the opponent), Slack Off (to recover Slowbro; works great in conjunction with its hidden ability Regenerator, which lets it gain some HP back upon switching out) and Calm Mind (to boost its lower special defense some more and power up Scald) is therefore not uncommon. Now that it has a Mega, it is easily used as an all-offensive threat, preferably with three strong special moves and a status move like Calm Mind or Slack Off.

"I could use pants."

While Slowking's stat spread differs from Slowbro, it is often used as a physically defensive tank as well. Its naturally high special defense can be pumped up with Calm Mind and an Assault Vest, anyway. There is just one thing that actually distinguishes Slowking from Slowbro: Nasty Plot. Slowbro cannot learn this move, which increases Slowking's special attack by two stages. This makes Slowking a great special sweeper in so many ways: Quiest/Modest nature with Slack Off for recovery and Leftovers or Life Orb as a hold item, Bold nature with Slack Off and Leftovers, Modest/Quiet nature with Choice Specs as a hold item and the move Trick (to switch hold items with the opponent, which forces the specs onto the opponent's Pokémon and locks it in an undesirable move)... you name it. Slowking really makes for a versatile Pokémon. By the way, any of the above options should include its hidden ability Regenerator, because its regular abilities (Oblivious and Own Tempo) only prevent it from becoming infatuated. This status condition can be solved by simply switching Slowking out anyway, so don't bother with these abilities.

I really like these Pokémon, to be honest. The only thing that annoys me a little is Slowbro's Pokédex classification as the 'Hermit Crab Pokémon'. Trust me, I do get the reference to the Shellder it is carrying along with it, but Slowbro itself does NOT look like a crab in the slightest, not to mention hermit crabs carry a shell along with them as their home, which can't be said about Slowbro's Shellder. If anything, it looks like a combination of a giant amphibian and a hippopotamus (whose features are clearly seen in the joke image above). That doesn't keep me from giving the whole Slowpoke family an excellent score of four stars out of five, though!

Rating: 4/5

#63 - #65: Abra, Kadabra & Alakazam

Official art of the little asshole that is called an Abra.

Argh, this sneaky little motherfucker...

Remember how in Zubat's entry I talked about how much of a nuisance they are to everybody, but that I myself have no problem with those things? Well, there's a Pokémon that does annoy me every fucking time it shows itself: Abra. That is not because they appear so frequently (there is no Pokémon that you will encounter as much as Zubat), but because the goddamn things ALWAYS FLEE WHENEVER I TRY TO CATCH ONE! Not surprising, because Abra is all about teleporting: when it senses danger, which it does by reading minds, it teleports itself to a safer place so quickly that it creates the illusion of having made copies of itself. And by hypnotizing itself, it is able to teleport or use any of its other extrasensory abilities at any time. Abra's telepathic powers tire it immensely though, which results in it sleeping 18 hours a day. Now, here's the thing: before Gen. IV it was next to impossible to catch an Abra, because it only had Teleport, which means you had to toss a Poké Ball at it while it was at full health. There wasn't even time to weaken it, because it would use Teleport to flee from the battle right away. And you never encountered a sleeping Abra; God, no, because that would have been way too easy! Thank God for the introduction of Quick Balls in Gen. IV; with those you can definitely catch an Abra on the first turn.

Kadabra (left) and Alakazam (right) engaged in an exciting game of psychic
chess, while Abra (middle) is watching amusedly.

Once you have it, however, it really pays off. Abra evolves into Kadabra, which even has stronger psychic powers than its pre-evolution: it creates alpha waves that induce headaches and it can cause clocks to run backwards, machines to malfunction, and delicate devices to stop functioning altogether. Kadabra's spoon is the source of its real power though, because Kadabra can double the amplitude of its alpha waves when it's holding its spoon, and can increase it even further by closing its eyes and, perhaps unintentionally, when it feels that it is in danger. In short, Kadabra is a powerful Pokémon with base 120 special attack and base 105 speed, which means that it doesn't need to evolve into Alakazam (but it's a nice bonus when it does). You might not be able to when you're playing all by yourself anyway, because Kadabra evolves by trading it to another game. Unlike Poliwhirl, however, Kadabra isn't required to hold an item while it is traded away.

Rare Candy Treatment had a point with this comic
strip, though...

Better make sure to obtain Alakazam, though, because it is better than Kadabra in any possible way. Well, it is absolutely not strong physically: it has weak muscles, which is why it uses all forms of psychic powers to move its body and hold up its head. That's right, its head is way too heavy for its neck to support, due to its continually growing brain. It is said to remember everything that it has experienced since hatching as an Abra and its IQ is believed to exceed 5,000. That is when it gets weird. I mean, think about it: if Alakazam is so intelligent, WHY HAS IT NEVER BEEN ABLE TO LEARN MORE THAN FOUR BATTLE MOVES IN THE NINETEEN YEARS IT EXISTS??? I am fully aware that it's part of the game mechanics, but come on... It is this kind of inconsistencies that really bugs me sometimes. Even though it is never explicitly mentioned that Alakazam can learn more than four battle moves, the fact that it remembers everything suggests that it cannot forget move it has learned, so having it forget a move for another really goes against what Alakazam is all about. Luckily, though, Game Freak blessed us with a Mega evolution for Alakazam, meaning that Alakazam can hit even harder and faster than it already did. And when I say 'hard', I mean HARD!

Official Sugimori art of Mega Alakazam.

Complete with the weird-ass beard and mustache and a red gem stuck on its forehead, Mega Alakazam looks like a wise elder. It gets three additional spoons on top of the two spoons it already had, which it now levitates in the air, right above its head. While regular Alakazam already has good special attack and speed, Mega Alakazam's base special attack and base speed are 175 and 150, respectively. I dare say that is pretty goddamn excellent, but its HP, attack and defense are still atrocious. Mega Alakazam did get a small boost in its defense, while its special defense is still very decent, but its low HP stat negates all that: it will not be able to eat up more than two hits. Then again, Mega Alakazam is supposed to be a wallbreaker (stop Pokémon who are trying to set up), revenge killer (avenge a fallen teammate) and sweeper. Aside from Psychic and/or Psyshock, the moves it can learn provide for excellent coverage as well, like Shadow Ball, Focus Blast, Energy Ball, Dazzling Gleam and even Signal Beam. Substitute can be used to get initiative, while Encore is handy to shut down set-up Pokémon. Regular Alakazam has the ability Magic Guard, which negates additional damage from things such as entry hazards, held items, status ailments and weather conditions, which can come in handy before you Mega-evolve it into Mega Alakazam.

Uri Geller (depicted) was not amused that his name and image was used to create
the Pokémon Kadabra (Yungerer in Japanese) and sued Nintendo for it.

One fun fact before I move on to my conclusion: the Japanese names of Abra, Kadabra and Alakazam are based on real-life psychics and illusionists. Abra's Japanese name is Casey
(ケーシィ), after Edgar Cayce; Kadabra's Japanese name is Yungerer (ユンゲラー), which is a corruption of Uri Geller; and Alakazam is Foodin (フーディン) in Japanese, which can be spelled as Houdin and is most probably a reference to Jean Eugène Robert-Houdin and/or Harry Houdini. Uri Geller was not amused that a Pokémon was named after him, especially since it is holding a bent spoon (which is clearly a reference to Geller), and sued Nintendo in 2000 for the unauthorized appropriation of his identity. He was of the opinion that Nintendo turned him into an evil, occult Pokémon character, but the judge disagreed with him, resulting in Geller losing the lawsuit.

To sum it all up, Abra and its evolutions have been an interesting bunch since the very beginning of the Pokémon franchise. They started as real powerhouses in Gen. I, when the psyhic type was still broken as fuck, and have gone through some serious changes as a result of Game Freak's attempt to make the psychic type less superior to other types (which they did to dragons by introducing the fairy type in Gen. VI as well) by turning the type match-up chart upside down. Alakazam is still a force to be reckoned with, especially since the boost as a Mega, but I have to be honest and say that this Pokémon has lost a little of its appeal. I still like Alakazam, but I am not giving it a perfect rating by any means.

Rating: 4/5