#131: Lapras

Lapras's surfing sprite in Pokémon X and Y. All of the
other surfing Pokémon are depicted as black blobs.

Imagine you could go anywhere just by riding Lapras. You won't be polluting the environment by emitting carbon dioxide when driving your car, transport is completely free of charge, and, most importantly, you won't be surrounded by noisy and nosy people: Lapras is all for yourself. If only that was possible...

Yeah, dream on.

Well, in the Pokémon world, Lapras is actually a very timid and docile but gentle Pokémon that is more than willing to ferry people across large bodies of water, a trait that has been recurrently demonstrated in the Pokémon franchise. During the Orange Islands saga, Ash owned a baby Lapras that took him and his friends everywhere they needed to go, from island to island and from adventure to adventure. Furthermore, the surfing sprite in X and Y is actually a Lapras instead of a vague black blur and the games in the Mystery Dungeon series often feature a Lapras that transports the main characters to other continents. There are probably other examples, but I was just trying to make a point here: Lapras is all about transporting other people and/or Pokémon, hence its classification as the 'Transport Pokémon'.

Fan art of Lapras leaping from the ocean water.

Except for the fact that there aren't any real-life marine creatures that will ferry you across the oceans, Lapras' flavor in general is interesting and very well-executed in the anime and games. It seems to be loosely based on the Scottish fable of the Monster of Loch Ness, but strongly resembles a species of marine dinosaurs from the Jurassic period known as the plesiosaur. Lapras is a very compassionate and intelligent Pokémon that can understand human speech (which is not extraordinary, because any other Pokémon is able to understand human speech as well) and can read the minds of people, and is so rare due to it being overhunted almost to extinction by hunters that take advantage of its gentle and pacifist nature. Therefore, it sings enchanting melodies to seek or keep in touch with others of its kind. All of these characteristics can be comparable to some cetaceans, marine mammals like whales and dolphins.

Fun fact: Lapras's name is a corruption of the surname of Pierre-Simon Laplace, an influential French mathematician who wrote several books on the mathematical properties of the sea and tides, and/or a corruption of la place, which is French for 'the seat' and refers to how passengers sit on its back like a seat to be ferried across the waters. Additionally, its name may also be derived from lapis lazuli, a deep blue semi-precious stone that has been prized for its intense color since ancient times.

More Lapras fan art. 

But despite the fact that Lapras rarely fight, Game Freak can hardly prohibit you to use Lapras to fight with in the games, especially in the competitive scene. And Lapras is a bulky Pokémon with well-rounded stats across the board, possessing some beefy HP and alright offensive and defensive stats. Its speed isn't that good, but Lapras is meant to take some hits, so it doesn't matter anyway. Now, there are a few ways to use this thing. Firstly, an all-out attacking Lapras isn't uncommon: Lapras can learn a shit-ton of good offensive moves, including Ice Beam, Scald, Freeze-Dry, Thunderbolt, Psychic, Surf, Dragon Pulse, Ancient Power, Bulldoze, Body Slam, Zen Headbutt, Waterfall, Aqua Tail, Iron Head, Iron Tail and Outrage. A Modest nature and Choice Specs help pump up the strength of its moves even further, but Lapras isn't the best attacker out there (although I'm not saying that it's bad by any means). I recommend utilize Lapras's natural bulk and breed one with a Bold nature, while you maximize its HP and defense EVs and, to a lesser extent, invest some in its special attack as well. It should be holding the Leftovers and its moveset should consist of Scald (does some STAB damage and has a high chance to burn the opposing Pokémon), Rest, Heal Bell (heals all of your Pokémon's status conditions) and Roar (forces the opponent to switch into another Pokémon, which is handy if the opposing Pokémon is setting up). Ditching Roar for Freeze-Dry or Ice Beam is optional. Anyway, to top all of that, Shell Armor is an excellent ability that prevents the opponent to pull off a critical hit on Lapras, which only adds up to Lapras's bulk. Water Absorb is nice too, absorbing incoming water-type attacks and even getting some HP recovery from them, while Hydration cures any non-volatile status condition while it's raining and works primarily on a rain team. It can be useful in combination with Rest, though.

In the end, Lapras is a very interesting Pokémon that has a lot going for it. Some Pokémon are easily forgettable, but the motherfuckers at Game Freak have done everything in their power to let nobody forget about it. And rightfully so, because Lapras is an excellent Pokémon that deserves some love.

Rating: 4/5

#129 - #130: Magikarp & Gyarados

I think Magikarp has the right to say this. 

So how does the most pathetic Pokémon evolve into a monstrous Pokémon exactly?

And with pathetic I actually mean pathetic. Magikarp's level-up movepool has been the same since Gen. II, consisting of only Splash, Tackle and Flail, and its stats are terrible across the board. Well, its speed is decent, but it's useless when you have no offensive or defensive stats whatsoever. But do you see the memes below and on the right? That's right, Magikarp will fuck you up when it evolves into the fearsome Gyarados, but how does that excalate so quickly? Well, Magikarp is based on an Asian carp (although it does look a bit like a koi carp), a kind of fish that is easily startled and can jump 8 to 10 feet in the air, hence Magikarp's 'ability' to splash. Magikarp's evolution into Gyarados refers to a Chinese legend about how carp that leapt over the Dragon Gate, which many believe is located behind several waterfalls and cataracs in China, would become dragons, but it's mainly an allegory of the drive and efforts needed to overcome obstacles. This is also demonstrated in the side game Pokémon Snap, in which a Magikarp splashes its way into a waterfall and evolves after taking certain steps.

Awesome fan art of a Gyarados scaring the crap out of a Rattata.

And, honestly, the change from Magikarp (stats, appearance, Pokédex entries) into Gyarados is like broad daylight abruptly turning into the dead of night. Even its Pokédex entries portray Magikarp as weak and pathetic. The following examples are a selection of Magikarp's Pokédex entries in the video games; there are a couple more, but I don't want to make this article too long.

Pokédex entry Red/Blue:
"In the distant past, it was somewhat stronger than the horribly weak descendants that exist today."

Pokédex entry Silver:
"For no reason, it jumps and splashes about, making it easy for predators like Pidgeotto to catch it mid-jump."

Pokédex entry Ruby:
"Magikarp is a pathetic excuse for a Pokémon that is only capable of flopping and splashing. This behavior prompted scientists to undertake research into it."

Pokédex entry Emerald:
"Its swimming muscles are weak, so it is easily washed away by even slow-moving currents. In places where water pools, you can see many Magikarp deposited there by the flow."

Pokédex entry FireRed:
"It is virtually worthless in terms of both power and speed. It is the most weak and pathetic Pokémon in the world."

Pokédex entry Diamond:
"It is said to be the world's weakest Pokémon. No one knows why it has managed to survive."

Goddamn, Magikarp really wants to murder some people. By the
way, this Gyarados is shiny, for those who didn't know that yet.
Regular Gyarados are blue.

Horribly weak, a pathetic excuse for a Pokémon, virtually worthless, the most weak and pathetic Pokémon in the world... Those are some powerful superlatives you use there, Game Freak. Like, calm the fuck down. I know Magikarp isn't strong, but adding so many inglorious Pokédex entries is really pushing it. Actually, there are two that are somewhat positive, but they are both overshadowed by the negativity added to them: Sapphire's entry says that Magikarp can survive in the most polluted waters but actually starts off with some of above-mentioned superlatives, while Diamond's (as well as Black, White, Black 2 and White 2's entries) mentions that a Magikarp that lives for many years can leap a mountain using Splash but that the move remains useless no matter what. And even though you're not exactly wrong by chastizing Magikarp for being worthless, that's a very effective way to make some positivity about it undone, Game Freak. Excellent job.

James's Gyarados in "Pokémon Shipwreck";
season 1, episode 16. It is enraged because it
is kicked away as a Magikarp after being
called worthless. It takes revenge by
summoning other Gyarados and create a huge
waterspout that blows the kids away.

How different Gyarados's Pokédex entries are from Magikarp's, though. This humangous sea serpent has fangs that can crush stones and its scales are harder than steel. Gyarados is classified as the 'Atrocious Pokémon', and that description is spot on: it looks hideous and has a terrible personality also. You see, Gyarados is infamously known for its fierce temper and wanton destructive tendencies and it is capable of annihilate entire cities in a rage, which it has done in ancient times. There are even records of this Pokémon's rampages lasting a whole goddamn month. It is attracted to wars and conflicts, which is why it is hard to tame one even after it is captured by its Trainer, and an exceptional amount of work in taming Gyarados is required in order for it to obey its Trainer without any problems. This is demonstrated in "Pokémon Shipwreck", one of the earlier episodes of the anime. In the episode before that, "Battle Aboard the St. Anne", James gets conned on the St. Anne, a gigantic cruise ship, and ends up with a worthless Magikarp. However, the St. Anne capsizes and Ash, his friends and Team Rocket have to work together to make their way out of the sinking ship by use of Misty's water Pokémon. James tries to use Magikarp, but nearly ends up drowning, and after all of them are gathered together on a raft, James calls Magikarp a worthless piece of shit (not literally, but it's pretty damn near close) and kicks it into the ocean. This triggers evolution in Magikarp, changing into the fearsome Gyarados. Enraged, it summons other Gyarados who start swimming in circles, creating a enormous waterspout that blows everyone away, resulting in the majority of the bunch to be washed ashore on an island with giantic robotic Pokémon ("Island of the Giant Pokémon").

But why on Earth is Gyarados so incredibly violent compared to Magikarp? Well, the brain cells undergo a structural transformation, which is believed to be blamed for Gyarados's sudden violent behavior. I don't want to give away too much, but Gyarados seems to be the counterpart of Milotic: both are serpentine evolution of weak fish, both have an increase of 340 points in their base stat total upon evolution, and both appear in times of conflict (Gyarados to destroy, Milotic to becalm). If you take a look at Milotic, you'll understand why.

Official art of Mega Gyarados.

But upon gaining all of this power, Gyarados should become an awesome Pokémon to use competitively, right? Oh, hell yeah. Game Freak blessed Gyarados with an amazing Mega evolution that hits like a truck. With base 155 attack, 109 defense, 130 special defense and a decent base 95 HP stat, Mega Gyarados is an offensive tank. Unfortunately, it doesn't gain any speed upon Mega-evolving, but that can be fixed by teaching it Dragon Dance. That is definitely a move you'll want to keep, along with Crunch and Waterfall (or Aqua Tail; more power in exchange for some accuracy), from which it gets STAB. The other spot in its moveset should be reserved for Earthquake, but it also learns Stone Edge, Ice Fang, Outrage, Iron Head, Iron Tail and Dragon Tail (makes Gyarados to go last, but forces the opponent to switch out to one of their Pokémon at random, which is perfect to prevent sweepers from setting up). However, regular Gyarados has the flying type as its secondary typing, so it doesn't get STAB from Crunch. Moreover, the lack of good physical flying-type moves makes it a lot less viable for competitive play. It only gets Bounce, which is a two-turn move and therefore unusable, as it'll let the opponent get the chance to switch out to a Pokémon that is resistant to flying. Unless you give it a Power Herb, that is, which is a one-time-use item that allows the holder to attack immediately with a move that charges on the first turn. It's barely worth the hassle, though.

I... I can't even. This fan art is INCREDIBLE!!!

As for items, it is better to give Gyarados the Leftovers to hold, so that it can heal a little of its HP every turn. A Choice Band or a Choice Scarf is not an option if you're gonna use a Dragon Dance Gyarados, so the Life Orb may be an alternative. Regular Gyarados are better if they have some bulk to them, though, so you'll want Intimidate for an ability, which lowers the opponent's attack stat by one stage when switching into Gyarados. Its hidden ability is Moxie, which increases its attack by one stage every time it knocks out a Pokémon, but that would be much better on Mega Gyarados (who, sadly, always has Mold Breaker). Lastly, a Jolly or Adamant nature is preferred. You can go for an all-defensive Gyarados with status moves like Thunder Wave, Rest, Sleep Talk and Roar, with a Careful nature to boot, but that would be a waste of its power. Just use the Substitute/Dragon Dance combo with Waterfall and Earthquake and you'll be set.

Gyarados is a monster, and it has one of the most interesting flavors I have come across. The Chinese legend of carp becoming dragons when leaping over the Dragon Gate has brought forth one of the most obvious and well-executed transformations thus far. The only thing that still confuses me is Gyarados's flying type. It may be a reference to koinobori, a carp-shaped windsock traditionally flown to celebrate Children's Day in Japan, on which children's personalities and happiness are celebrated. It would have been better had Game Freak decided to make it water/dragon, but in Gen. I that would have been way too overpowered, as dragon was only weak to ice and itself. But there was only Dragon Rage in Gen. I, dealing a fixed damage of 40 HP, and Gyarados's water typing neutralizes ice-type moves. The result? Gyarados would've had no weaknesses whatsoever. Talk about overpowered...

Rating: 4.5/5

#120 - #121: Staryu & Starmie

Nice 'real-life' fan art of Staryu. 

I... I honestly don't know where the hell I have to start with this.

Why, we know that in the anime Misty had both Staryu and Starmie on her team, but we didn't see them all that often because her annoying-ass Psyduck unwelcomingly kept bursting out of its Poké Ball whenever Misty wanted to send them out to battle. Staryu seems to be some sort of weird starfish-like Pokémon with a jewel-like exterior organ called the core, which is held in place by a golden ring around its left 'leg'. The center of Staryu's body is apparently very important, because Staryu can regenerate its body when it's completely torn apart, as long as the core remains intact. This core glows brightest and flickers fastest (with the same rhythm as a human heartbeat) when the sun goes down, when whole flocks of Staryu float to the surface from the seafloors, aligning themselves and communicating with the stars in the night sky.

The star symbol of Inanna/Ishtar; it has Staryu's round core and
shares Starmie's trait of having more appendages. 

Starmie, 'the gem of the sea', is probably even weirder, because it appears to have developed an extra set of semi-attached appendages that are able to spin 360°. Its core shines in the seven different colors of the rainbow and can now emit radio waves that are powerful enough to reach the furtest parts of the universe, which is why it is believed that Starmie are extraterrestrial. People in ancient times even imagined that they were transformed from the reflections of stars that twinkled on the ocean waves at night. However, these are just rumors, and there is absolutely no convincing proof that Starmie come from outer space; maybe they just feel a connection with the stars... or something. If anything, Starmie and its pre-evo are based on the Mesopotamian goddess of love, fertility and warfare, Inanna, who was associated with Venus. That planet was regarded as two stars at that time, the 'morning star' and the 'evening star', which is why Inanna's (and her Akkadian counterpart Ishtar's) symbol is a four-pointed star that looks a lot like Staryu and Starmie combined. At least it leaves some fodder for discussion, but Starmie isn't much of a notorious Pokémon and its descent isn't really discussed often in the Pokémon community.

Starmie emitting multi-colored radio signals to space from what
I assume is the ocean floor.

When Starmie is discussed, however, it's in regard to how to use it in competitive play. There are a few ways to make use of it, but its base special attack stat of 100 makes it an excellent special attacker, especially combined with Choice Specs, a Choice Scarf or a Life Orb and a Timid or Modest nature. Starmie is capable of learning some pretty nifty moves that match its flavor, such as Recover (which is a must-have in the competitive scene), Confuse Ray and Dazzling Gleam. It also learns a variety of attacking moves, like Thunderbolt, Psychic, Surf, Hydro Pump, Scald, Flash Cannon, Ice Beam, Signal Beam, Psyshock, Grass Knot, Rapid Spin (which is often used on Starmie to get rid of entry hazard like Stealth Rock and Toxic Spikes), and even Power Gem if you bother to hold off evolving Staryu for a while. It even knows Reflect Type (also learned as Staryu), a move that changes Starmie's typing to the opponent's, which is handy if you see any super-effective moves coming your way and you want to remove entry hazards or heal up. You're spoiled for choice if you are composing a moveset for Starmie, but also when choosing an ability. Illuminate has no effect in battle and is therefore a worthless ability, but Natural Cure heals Starmie from a non-volatile status condition when you switch it out and Analytic increases the power of a move by 30% if the target has already acted in the same turn. That won't happen very often, as Starmie is fast, but you might as well make use of it. Natural Cure is the more reliable ability, though.

I like Starmie. I think it's weird, but a good kind of weird. It's one of those Pokémon that has a whole lot of mystery behind it (hence its classification as the 'Mysterious Pokémon'), and I think that's what makes it so fun to use, even though its design is not all that. You know what? I'll give it a 4-star rating, just for the heck of it. At least I like it enough to say that it deserves such a high rating, because Starmie is just a good and interesting Pokémon, period.

Rating: 4/5

#118 - #119: Goldeen & Seaking

Some elegant fan art of Goldeen.

It's a fucking goldfish.

You know, I had a goldfish when I was still in elementary school. I named it Seaking, after the Pokémon, and it had about the same color scheme, too. The goddamn thing went bonkers, I'm telling you, starting to swim upside down and all... Jesus Christ. And then it died. All I can say is that I wasn't sad in the slightest, because goldfish are boring, period. Goldeen is no ordinary goldfish though, because ordinary goldfish don't have horns they use to smash their way to freedom if they are kept in an aquarium (although it has to be said that Goldeen and its evolution are probably also based on Matsya, an avatar that the Hindu god Vishnu assumed, which is sometimes depicted as a fish with a horn). I'm also quite sure that the caudal fins of ordinary goldfish aren't admired by many for their beauty because they billow very much like a ball gown. They surely don't have the nickname of the Water Queen because of that, which Goldeen does, even though the gender ratio among Goldeen is an equal 50/50. It swims against the currents of rivers at a steady 5 knots (which is a little under 6 miles per hour), but can also be found in ponds and lakes.

Here we have this beautiful modified art again! 

Its evolution Seaking aren't only capable of swimming against a river's currents, they can travel up waterfalls as well. That is probably the reason why Seaking and Goldeen are the only Pokémon capable of learning the move Waterfall by level-up, in the first generation even before it became an HM move later on. In the autumn, they travel upriver, where male Seaking engage in elaborate courtship dances to woo females (yeah, despite its name, Seaking lives in rivers and its gender ratio is still a fair 50/50). They make their nests in riverbed boulders in order to prevent their spawn from washing away, protecting their offspring with their lives by patrolling the area around their nests. During spawning season, the Seaking gather from all over and make the river turn a brilliant red color, becoming an even brighter and more beautiful red themselves, but despite that, I think Seaking is quite the ugly fish. Look at that mouth, man...

A Seaking deflects Ash's Pikachu's Thunderbolt to Ash's Snorunt
with a Horn Drill in Ash's double battle against Gym Leader
Juan in the anime episode "The Great Eight Fate!"; season 8,
episode 18.

Also ugly are its stats, which are underwhelming at best. At base 92, its attack stat is by far the best, and that would have worked if the rest of its stats had been around 90 as well. Unfortunately that is not the case: while its HP and special defense are an OK base 80, the rest end up under 70, including its speed stat. That doesn't make Seaking very fast. Unless you use it in a rain team, that is, in which case its ability Swift Swim will activate, effectively doubling Seaking's speed. Just make sure you make another of your Pokémon set up the rain, though, because Seaking will need the Choice Band. That item raises its attack by 50% but makes it capable of using only one move until it is switched out. However, you'd do better to ditch the rain bullshit and go straight for the Lightning Rod approach, because Seaking isn't a very good Swift Swim user. Lightning Rod, on the other hand, eliminates one of Seaking's weaknesses: electric. It draws in all electric-type attacks and even gives Seaking a boost in its special attack if it is hit by one. Not that Seaking is going to use that boost, because it is a physical attacker, but one weakness fewer is always nice! As for its moves, Seaking relies on Waterfall. Aqua Tail might be an option, as it is stronger, but it doesn't have a chance to flinch should Seaking outspeed anything and it has lower accuracy. Drill Run, Poison Jab and Megahorn provide excellent type coverage, while Knock Off is used to make the opponent lose its held item during the remainder of the battle. Slap an Adamant nature and a Choice Band on Lightning Rod Seaking to max out its attack (it needs that desperately!) and you might just have a decent Pokémon.

Honestly, I don't mind Goldeen and Seaking, neither do I really have affection for them. I had a Goldeen plushie once, but it wasn't my favorite and I don't think I had it for very long, either. But I don't think that Seaking is the worst Pokémon ever, nor are its design and flavor overly boring; they're moderately interesting, let's put it that way.

Rating: 3.5/5

#116 - #117, #230: Horsea, Seadra & Kingdra

A Horsea with a black eye is issuing a warning by spraying its ink
on the surface of the water in "Tentacool and Tentacruel"; season
1, episode 19. This Horsea would later join Misty's team.

Ahhh, we all know the Horsea Misty caught in the anime episode "Tentacool & Tentacruel", which I discussed in - obviously - Tentacool and Tentacruel's entry.

And by that I mean the anime episode, not Horsea.

Despite the fact that I basically discussed the entire episode in that entry, I mainly focused on the jellyfish and actually didn't mention Horsea once. Still, Horsea - who got injured by Tentacool and Tentacruel off-screen - played an important role in this episode, warning Ash and the others about the approaching danger by creating an image of Tentacool and Tentacruel on the sea's surface with its ink. While the attack is ongoing, Horsea even tries to plead with Tentacruel to stop, unfortunately to no avail. When the raid is over and Nastina still doesn't want to listen, Horsea sprays ink in her face before Tentacruel swats her away with its tentacle. Horsea ultimately decides to join Misty and becomes a faithful member of her team.

Glauert's seadragon, or the leafy seadragon, might have been the
inspiration for Horsea and its evolutions, even though Skrelp and
Dragalge look more like it. Instead, the weedy seadragon might
have been the inspiration for Kingdra, as it's a little less decorative.

Sadly, Horsea's Pokédex entries really aren't anything worth mentioning, as most characteristics match real-life seahorses as well, including the fact that male seahorses - rather than female ones - take the reins in childbirth and raise the young. Much more interesting is the speculation what Horsea is based on. It is classified as the 'Dragon Pokémon' (a typing it doesn't get until it evolves into its final evolution, Kingdra), so it might as well be based on the leafy sea dragon, a seahorse-like marine fish that was more likely the inspiration for the Gen. VI Pokémon Skrelp and Dragalge than for Horsea, but whatevs. A more probable reason why it is classified as such is its Japanese name, Tattu (タッツー), which is a corruption of tatsu, part of the common name for a seahorse in Japanese: tatsu-no-otoshigo, meaning 'illegitimate child of a dragon'. Huh, interesting.

The Horsea family from left to right: Horsea, Seadra and
Kingdra. 

This recurring dragon theme is going to play a bigger role with every evolution, because the English and Japanese names for Horsea's evolution Seadra are exactly the same. The name is a combination of 'seahorse' and 'dragon', and quite honestly, Seadra does look more like a dragon than Horsea. It also gets the Poison Point ability, as its Pokédex entries say that the venom it emits from the sharp, spiky fins on its back is toxic enough to induce fainting in humans, but that its fins and bones are prized among practitioners of traditional herbal medicine. Yet Seadra is neither a poison type nor a dragon type. I assume this has something to do with the Red and Blue game mechanics: there were no dragon-type moves in Gen. I other than Dragon Rage, which deals a fixed 40 damage, and as dragon was only weak to ice and itself, Seadra would have had no real weaknesses because of its ice-resisting water typing. That feature would have made Seadra way too overpowered, and it is probably the reason why Gyarados had (and still has) flying as its secondary type instead of dragon as well.

Now, THIS is an awesome drawing of Kingdra!

Fortunately, in Seadra's case, Game Freak changed that in Gen. II by giving it an evolution that is actually a dual water/dragon type: Kingdra. While Horsea and Seadra's flavor is nothing short of dull, Kingdra has characteristics that's gonna leave your jaw dropped on the goddamn floor. Here goes: Kingdra's yawn is strong enough to create undercurrents capable of destroying small ships. Should it decide to emerge from the depths of the ocean, its strength can create large whirlpools and sea-born tornadoes on the surface. Better yet (or worse, depending on how you look at it), because of its immense power it can create giant whirlpools even when it stirs in the cave it resides in at the very depths of the ocean, where no other Pokémon can survive. It is said to awaken and go wandering about in search for prey when a storm is 'bout to arrive. Kingdra is probably based on the Japanese legend of Ryūjin (or Ryōjin), a dragon god that is said to bear power over the seas of the world, live on the floors of deep bodies of water, and is known for its weather-like ascensions into the heavens. Now, THAT is quite some different shit than Seadra's Pokédex entries, which say that it is only capable of creating whirlpools when it spins its body around in order to catch prey.

Kingdra. Would it just have awoken from a deep slumber?

Such a shame that the method to obtain Kingdra is a little troublesome (you have to trade Seadra to another game while it is holding a Dragon Scale), but at least you'll have a great competitive Pokémon. Right? Well yeah, if you have a physical Kingdra, sure. I mean, its base attack and special attack stats of 95 are exactly the same and its entire learnset is solely special, but Kingdra has access to a great status move: Dragon Dance. This move raises its attack and speed by one stage each, so don't let it set up very often, because it'll turn into a speedy powerhouse before you know it. It is even somewhat of a tank, because its base defense and special defense stats of 95 and HP stat of 75 are nothing to sneeze at, either. And it learns just enough physical moves to be of use: Waterfall has a chance to flinch, Outrage is a strong, indispensable dragon-type move (be cautious, because you will be locked into this move for two or three turns), and Iron Head provides perfect coverage against fairy types, to which Kingdra has a weakness. Combine it with a Jolly nature, a Life Orb, Scope Lens (increases Kingdra's critical hit ratio) or Lum Berry (heals whichever status condition) as a held item, and the ability Sniper. That ability, like the Scope Lens, increases the critical hit ratio of Kingdra's moves. You can even ditch Iron Head and go for Focus Energy, which - you guessed it - increases Kingdra's critical hit ratio.

More Kingdra fan art.

As for the rest of its abilities: Damp is its hidden ability and is used to prevent weather conditions from taking effect, which is purely situational, while Swift Swim is mainly used when composing a rain team. In that case, Kingdra would work out great with a special moveset consisting of Hydro Pump, Draco Meteor, Ice Beam and Rain Dance. Flash Cannon is a great move for coverage against, yet again, fairy types, and Scald can be used to try and burn the foe. Usually, a Timid or Modest nature is required with such a set, and when you give it Choice Specs or a Life Orb to hold, you'll have a very, very decent special-attacking Kingdra. You can even go the diverse way and slap a Rash, Mild, Naive or Hasty nature on it to create a mixed attacker. Just make sure you don't put Kingdra up against a Pokémon with Freeze-Dry, because this ice-type move hits water types super-effectively (usually, water resists ice), which effectively makes Kingdra four times weak to it.

As you can read, Kingdra leaves you spoiled for choice. I quite like this Pokémon, and I definitely like it more than its pre-evolutions. I mean, Horsea is cute and all, but not very interesting. Neither is Seadra, for that matter. Kingdra all the way! Well, not all the way, but definitely more than halfway...

Rating: 4/5

#98 - #99: Krabby & Kingler

Ash's frothing Krabby in the anime. 

Game Freak are starting to contradict themselves here.

Why define Krabby as a 'River Crab Pokémon' and make its Pokédex entries say that they are most commonly found on beaches, where it burrows in the sand to create a hole to live in? Okay, Krabby are perfectly able to live in fresh water, but that is not the point. One could argue that beaches can be found along lakes and rivers as well, but most people associate a beach with the seashore, so I'm going to assume that the idiots at Game Freak don't have such a different thinking process. Aside from that, Krabby is not an interesting Pokémon in the slightest. The most notable thing to mention about Krabby is that it creates foam from its mouth, which it uses to shroud its body in order to make opponents think it is bigger than it actually is (which I'm sure is the trait of a certain real-life crab, just like its disability to walk sideways when it loses a pincer). Never mind its ability to regenerate its pincers when they get damaged during battles; some real-life crabs - you guessed it - can do the exact same thing.

Some nice fan art of Kingler holding its baby Krabby in its oversized pincher.

So what about Krabby's evolution? Well, Kingler's Pokédex entries only underpin my theory that the beaches mentioned in Krabby's entries are actually located at seas, because Kingler usually live along the edge of oceans. So, even though Krabby's classification as the 'River Crab' Pokémon is not strictly incorrect as it can actually be found along the edge of rivers, 'Crab Pokémon' would have sufficed. These kinds of inconsistencies really bug me for some reason. What doesn't bug me is Kingler's flavor. This Pokémon's claws, especially its larger left one (Kingler's name is actually a portmanteau of two crab species, namely the king crab and the fiddler crab, the latter of which actually has a larger left pincher), can pinch with a crushing strength of 10,000 horsepower and are even able to pry open Shellder and Cloyster's diamond-hard shells. The most interesting thing is that Kingler's left pincher is a hindrance as well: it is so large and heavy that Kingler can barely lift it, it causes balancing and aiming issues, and it causes Kingler to become fatigued quickly from continuous use.

Awesome realistic interpretation of Kingler!

Fortunately, this claw doesn't get in the way in competitive play. Well, except when you say that its claw actually makes Kingler slow, but its base 75 speed is not that bad; plus, there are Pokémon that are much slower than Kingler, so this is hardly a valid argument. Even though a Scarved, Jolly-natured Kingler might be an option within the Smogon tier it resides in (the unofficial PU tier), this comes at the expense of some of Kingler's strength. Its magnificent base 130 attack stat allows it to hit HARD, so might as well make the most of it by running an Adamant Kingler with a Life Orb, the Hyper Cutter ability (prevents the opponent from lowering its attack somehow) and the moves Agility and Swords Dance. Agility raises Kingler's speed by two stages, while Swords Dance does the same with its attack stat and Knock Off and Crabhammer (the strongest physical water-type move in the games, which can only be learned by the Krabby, Corphish and Clauncher lines) provide for excellent type coverage. Superpower might also be an option, should you want some more type coverage, but be cautious, as this move lowers Kingler's attack and defense stats and those are undoubtedly its best stats.

Kingler is blessed with three outstanding abilities, but as mentioned previously, Hyper Cutter is the best one. Shell Armor prevents it from getting critical hits, but its low special defense and HP might make it useless, and Sheer Force removes additional effects of certain moves in exchange for a little more power, but the only good physical move Kingler learns that benefits from that is Rock Slide, which it isn't gonna use anyway. Well, at least not in the competitive scene.

More fan art of Kingler.

And here's the thing: I actually like Kingler's strength, design and flavor and I would love to use it in a playthrough once. Should that happen, a Sheer Force Kingler with Swords Dance, Crabhammer, X-Scissor and Rock Slide might be a good option, considering that Kingler probably won't outspeed half of the Pokémon it encounters and thus won't make opponents flinch all that often. Sheer Force is Kingler's hidden ability, however, so it might be a difficult task to get one with that ability, but even without it, Kingler makes for an excellent Pokémon that hopefully won't disappoint me. For now, I'll give Kingler 4.5 stars, but who knows how much I'll like it in the future after using it once. Who knows...

Rating: 4.5/5

#90 - #91: Shellder & Cloyster

Do you remember that I already discussed Shellder in Slowbro and Slowking's entry? Yeah, I know that Shellder doesn't look like the shells on Slowbro's tail and Slowking's head, but there's this thing called evolution that might cause a Shellder that is attached to either Slowbro or Slowking to change its appearance as well, so don't question it. Okay?

Shellder in the anime. Due to its dopey look and big tongue,
Shellder is actually kinda cute, despite being a slimy mollusk. 

Okay. So, Shellder is already interesting by itself, especially because of its symbiotic relationship with the Slowpoke line. Now, I'm not going to write an entire paper about that; if you want to read about what Shellder does to Slowbro and Slowking, I suggest you go read their entry instead. All I know is that Shellder doesn't look so cute in its 'parasite' form anymore, nor does it actually look like a Pokémon when it clamps on to a member of the Slowpoke family, for that matter. In battles, Shellder is not so keen on clamping itself to an opponent, because that will reveal its vulnerable parts and therefore it will only do that as a last resort. Obviously, Shellder lives and sleeps in a hole on the seafloor, which it creates by using its broad tongue that is always kept hanging out. Loose grains of sand that get trapped inside its body after burrowing its hole are mixed with body fluids to form beautiful pearls. Shellder moves around by rapidly opening and closing its bivalve shell (which, by the way, is as hard as diamond)... while facing backwards. So it doesn't see where it is going, or does it have an intuitional orientation? Unfortunately, the Pokédex - or rather: Game Freak - fails to provide us with any information on that.

Cloyster fan art.

What is evident, though, is that Shellder is capable to fully evolve by itself. When it is exposed to a Water Stone, this cute little mussle (or clam) evolves into a giant not-to-be-fucked-with oyster. Cloyster definitely has more spikes on its shell than Shellder, but these spikes are even harder than its diamond-hard shell (harsh tidal currents affect their size and sharpness) and are also its main tools in battle. That is evident in the fact that it is able to learn flavor-matching moves like Spike Cannon and Spikes, as well as Icicle Spear, which can only be learned by Shellder. Its projectile system is also used to move itself forward, swallowing seawater and ejecting it towards the rear propelling it through with siphon-jet propulsion. Cloyster is kind of a mysterious Pokémon in the first place, because no one knows what its innards look like, will ever be able to open its shell when it is closed, or knows why its shell is so hard it can withstand a bomb blast or even a missile strike.

Some more awesome Cloyster fan art.

Whatever material(s) Cloyster's shell is made of, its in-game use strongly matches its flavor: Cloyster has a massive base 180 defense stat, which makes it capable to survive quite some physical attacks from its opponents. Unfortunately, its base HP is quite low and its special defense is absolutely garbage, so its endurance might disappoint in the long run. That is why Cloyster is often given a Focus Sash, which saves it from being one-shotted. Cloyster comes with three excellent abilities, but one of its two regular abilities, Skill Link, is absolutely the best. This ability allows Cloyster to hit the opponent a maximum number of times with multi-strike moves like Icicle Spear and Rock Blast, which hit for 25 power a pop for a maximum of five times. That's some clean 125 damage right there, so these moves are must-haves for Cloyster. So, what about the other abilities? Well, Shell Armor prevents Cloyster from getting a critical hit to the face, which is useless when it is hit by Thunderbolt or something anyway, while its hidden ability Overcoat prevents it from receiving chip damage from weather conditions such as Hail and Sandstorm, which is situational at best.

As for the other moves he should have: Razor Shell is its only usable physical water-type move (although some players carry Ice Shard on Cloyster instead), and Shell Smash raises its attck, special attack and speed by two stages each and lowers its defense and special defense by one stage each. Losing some defense for a lot of offense and speed is a good trade in my opinion, as Cloyster can still withstand quite a few physical attacks after a Shell Smash boost. The defense and special defense drop makes it even more frail than it is though, so that Focus Sash might be a very good idea. Although a Life Orb is a good alternative, a White Herb, which is an item that restores negative stat changes like the defensive drops from Shell Smash, might come in handy as well. A Jolly or Naive nature (both makes Cloyster's speed stat grow better) are the preferred natures for Cloyster and make it outspeed many Choice Scarf opponents after a Shell Smash.

Now, this player takes Game Freak's suggestive joke to the next level. Dirty
motherfucker!

This water/ice dual-type Pokémon is definitely great in battles, but the funniest thing about it is a joke theory that is going round on the Internet. In HeartGold and SoulSilver, the player is challenged by Young Couple Duff and Eda, who use Cloyster and Onix. But as it happens, in this context, Cloyster and Onix tend to strongly resemble a vulva and a phallus, respectively. Very suggestive, but I guess someone at Game Freak likes dirty inside jokes that children won't even notice. It makes adult players go LOL and parents go OMG, but I really don't see the harm in it.

Cloyster is one of those Pokémon I would LOVE to use in a playthrough once, especially one with the Skill Link ability, which makes it an extremely useful, unique and overpowered Pokémon (although it beats me why it isn't able to learn Pin Missile, with its effective projectile system and all). I love its design and its mischievous look, which suggest that we're dealing with a highly defensive and strong Pokémon. I'll gladly give Cloyster a rating of 5 stars, every one of them more than deserving!

Rating: 5/5

#86 - #87: Seel & Dewgong

Pretty nice fan art of Seel.

Talk about uninspiring Pokémon.

Okay, Seel and Dewgong are obviously based on pinnipeds, or seals, as these animals are more commonly called. More specifically, the Pokédex suggests they are based on sea lions. Otariinae (sea lions) are a subfamily of otariidae (eared seals, under which sea lions and fur seals can be categorized), which is one of three groups categorized under pinnipedia, all pinnipeds in general, even walruses. Not only is Seel's name pretty unimaginative, its flavor is pretty much based on what real seals do as well, if you ignore the fact that sea lions don't actually live on icebergs in frigid ocean waters as cold as -40°F and don't thrive in these cold environments at all; that's the thing of other seal species. They don't have the warm fur and thick hide that Seel has, either. Come to think of it, I think we have another case of 'erroneous Pokédex classification', but let's not get further into that. Game Freak are close enough this time, and there are plenty of other things to talk about.

Dewgong in all its glory.

Like how Dewgong is largely based on the aquatic mammals dugongs (from the dugongidae family) and manatees (from the trichechidae family), also known as sea cows (the order sirenia), rather than seals. Or sea lions, for that matter. Dewgong shares much of its flavor with its pre-evolution, like its ability to resist even extreme cold by storing thermal energy in its body (but don't all ice-type Pokémon have a resistance to cold?), its capability to swim fast and agilely through the water (no shit, it's a water type), and its tendency to hunt for food at night rather than during the day. It even gets more active when the weather is cold, like Seel, and specifically searches for cold places to rest, like Seel. The only thing that can't be found on seals and sea cows is its horn, with which it's able to break through thick layers of ice. It's such a shame Dewgong's characteristics aren't a little bit more interesting, because I actually quite like its design.

More fan art of Dewgong, because its official art isn't near as
interesting. 

Dewgong serves little purpose in battles, either. It's a very mediocre in-game Pokémon, with base attack and special attack stats of only 70. It's more defensive than it is offensive, with 90 base HP, 80 base defense and 95 base special defense. This could be useful in the competitive tier (NU; never used) it resides in. It is recommended to use a Dewgong with a Calm nature, the item Leftovers for it to hold, and the Thick Fat ability. This ability reduces damage from fire- and ice-type moves, from which Dewgong takes neutral damage or to which it is resistant anyway. Hydration makes it cure status conditions in the rain, but this only works in a rain team, while Ice Body allows it to restore some health when it's hailing, which is disadvantageous to the other (non-ice-type) Pokémon in your team, as hail damages them. Now, as for the moves Dewgong should learn... It is a specially defensive support Pokémon, no doubt, which it why it should have Toxic, to poison the foe, and Protect, to Toxic stall the foe and gain some recovery from its own Leftovers. Surf or Ice Beam is an offensive move to keep Dewgong from being Taunt bait, while Perish Song (which makes the user as well as the target faint within three turns) can be used on Pokémon on which Toxic has no effect, such as Pokémon with the Magic Guard ability or steel types.

If it weren't for Dewgong's uninteresting flavor and mediocre battling capabilities, I would have given it a better rating, probably even close to five stars. Now, however, I have no choice but to pull back a little and give Dewgong a rating of 3.5 stars. And that's still generous of me.

Rating: 3.5/5

#79 - #80, #199: Slowpoke, Slowbro & Slowking

Scene from the "Slowpoke Song" music video.

Another split evolution, but this one is the dopiest so far. If you say that Slowpoke looks like it is dumb, you are absolutely right: it has dim intellect, often forgets what it was doing and - perhaps this is the worst one - responds to external stimuli after a very long time. For example, it can take up to five seconds for it to process pain and it can even take a day before it realises it has been bitten. Dopey? Yup, that is why the official Pokémon classifies Slowpoke as such. Recently, the Pokémon Company International, Inc. announced that it was Slowpoke week or something, and as a result they released a special song called the "Slowpoke Song". Now, if that isn't dopey, I don't know what is. One scene in the music video, in which eight Slowpoke form a circle by biting each other's tails, might even turn out badly for these Slowpoke (obviously, in the music video they'll be just fine). See, their flavorful and pleasant-to-chew-on tails are used as lure for fishing and they often break off and then regenerate. The video games even indicate that Slowpoke tails are seen as a delicacy by humans: Team Rocket sell them for a clean million Pokédollars each. The anime shows that Slowpoke will evolve into Slowbro the moment a Shellder holds on to its tail, after which Slowbro will lose the capability to feel pain due to Shellder's poison.

Heheh. Yeah, this is not really Slowpoke's evolution method in
the games, but it makes for some very good jokes. 

So, the tails are important? Not really. They make for a nice characteristic of Slowpoke, but in the games they are only used to create a storyline plot for Team Rocket and Slowbro is to be obtained by leveling Slowpoke up to level 37. That is quite late, to be honest. It has decent HP and therefore it is capable of taking a hit just fine, but its terrible special attack stat and mediocre attack stat (and the lack of good physical moves for it) makes Slowpoke fall behind quickly if you are going through a regular playthrough. Fortunately, there is another evolution method, as it is also capable of evolving into Slowking, introduced one generation later, by having Slowpoke hold a King's Rock and trade it. Apparently, that is not how it goes in the anime: when Slowpoke gets bitten in the head by a Shellder, the Shellder's venom is released in its brain, causing a chemical reaction that unlocks superior intellect, intuition and inspiration, and extraordinary power. More venom is injected into Slowking every time it yawns, which also causes Slowking to become more intelligent. However, if the Shellder on its head comes off, Slowking will forget everything it has learned.

Shellder, Shellder, Shellder. So that thing is important, after all. In the games, Mantyke evolves into Mantine when it levels up with a Remoraid added to the party, so why couldn't Shellder become the key in Slowpoke evolving into either Slowbro or Slowking (or both)?

Oh, that's right... Mantyke was introduced in Gen. IV and Slowking in Gen. II. I guess it just wasn't possible in the time of Gold and Silver. Alright, I'll let it slide.

Official art of Slowbro (left) and Mega Slowbro (right).

Fortunately though, Slowbro and Slowking are competent battlers. Slowbro even got a Mega evolution. And an uncomfortable one at that, as Slowbro gets almost completely devoured by the Shellder on its tail. Mega Slowbro's energy has gathered in the Shellder, and as a result the hardness of its shell is boosted, making an armor so hard that nothing and or no one can scratch it. And that is noticable, because Slowbro gets a huge boost in its defense (and a small one in its special attack) upon Mega-evolving. Regular Slowbro was already used as a physically defensive tank and a support Pokémon rather than an offensive one. A moveset consisting of Scald (for doing damage; it also has a chance to burn the foe), Thunder Wave (to paralyze the opponent), Slack Off (to recover Slowbro; works great in conjunction with its hidden ability Regenerator, which lets it gain some HP back upon switching out) and Calm Mind (to boost its lower special defense some more and power up Scald) is therefore not uncommon. Now that it has a Mega, it is easily used as an all-offensive threat, preferably with three strong special moves and a status move like Calm Mind or Slack Off.

"I could use pants."

While Slowking's stat spread differs from Slowbro, it is often used as a physically defensive tank as well. Its naturally high special defense can be pumped up with Calm Mind and an Assault Vest, anyway. There is just one thing that actually distinguishes Slowking from Slowbro: Nasty Plot. Slowbro cannot learn this move, which increases Slowking's special attack by two stages. This makes Slowking a great special sweeper in so many ways: Quiest/Modest nature with Slack Off for recovery and Leftovers or Life Orb as a hold item, Bold nature with Slack Off and Leftovers, Modest/Quiet nature with Choice Specs as a hold item and the move Trick (to switch hold items with the opponent, which forces the specs onto the opponent's Pokémon and locks it in an undesirable move)... you name it. Slowking really makes for a versatile Pokémon. By the way, any of the above options should include its hidden ability Regenerator, because its regular abilities (Oblivious and Own Tempo) only prevent it from becoming infatuated. This status condition can be solved by simply switching Slowking out anyway, so don't bother with these abilities.

I really like these Pokémon, to be honest. The only thing that annoys me a little is Slowbro's Pokédex classification as the 'Hermit Crab Pokémon'. Trust me, I do get the reference to the Shellder it is carrying along with it, but Slowbro itself does NOT look like a crab in the slightest, not to mention hermit crabs carry a shell along with them as their home, which can't be said about Slowbro's Shellder. If anything, it looks like a combination of a giant amphibian and a hippopotamus (whose features are clearly seen in the joke image above). That doesn't keep me from giving the whole Slowpoke family an excellent score of four stars out of five, though!

Rating: 4/5

#72 - #73: Tentacool & Tentacruel

A Tentacool swimming in the sea, with a Tentacruel in its wake.

Tentacool. The Zubat of the Seas. This little pest is the bane of my existence.

I think I need to explain myself.

Yes, I did say I don't mind Zubat. I also did say to just slap a Repel on and get the area done as quickly as possible if Zubat annoys you so much. But the thing is that I actually like caves to some extent, whereas I absolutely HATE water routes. Caves get you from one room to another, giving you the feeling you're actually making progress, but the vast sea somehow gets me pissed off every fucking time I have to cross it. I constantly get lost because the sea always looks the same no matter where I'm at, while in a cave there are some places you can recognize by cliffs, the position of rocks, and even small ponds and lagoons. I'll gladly take the huge amount of wild Zubat if it means I can explore a cave without getting frustrated.

Back to water routes: Hoenn has the worst ones. No kidding there... out of all regions, this region also has the most water routes; the Hoenn sea is so vast! Johto is a close second, though; not because I think its only sea is so overly big, but because the two (connecting) water routes require you to maneuver between the Whirl Islands, of which there are four. Indeed, there are four different entrances to a big underwater cave (and entering all of them are necessary if you want to explore the whole cave) and that's exactly the reason why this cave is the only one I actually despise, in any core-series Pokémon game ever. But whether you are in Kanto, Johto, Hoenn or Sinnoh, you'll always find that their water routes have something in common: Tentacool is the most common Pokémon you'll find on the water, hence I named it the Zubat of the Seas. Heck, Tentacool is the equivalent of water, because its body is composed of 99% of the goddamn stuff...

Yes, I know I can slap a Repel on when I'm at sea, but let me have this rant about water routes, okay? Like, shut up.

A huge-ass Tentacruel completely demolishing a city in the
anime episode "Tentacool and Tentacruel"; season 1, episode 19.
Due to its content, the episode was temporarily banned after the
events of 9/11, until Cartoon Network began airing the series.

Anyway. You know who also thinks Tentacool is a pest? Nastina, a resident of an seaside city in the anime called Porta Vista, who wants to build a hotel for the wealthy right on top of a coral reef inhabited by Tentacool. Nastina (which is indeed derived from 'nasty'; she also has a cousin called Brutella, go figure) offers a million-dollar reward to anyone who can exterminate the Tentacool, as the jellyfish Pokémon are constantly attacking the construction site and everything and everyone related to it, because it is destroying their natural environment. Naturally, when Team Rocket hear of the reward, they try to eradicate the Tentacool with some device. They are surrounded and attacked, however, and the device lands on the head of a Tentacool who then evolves into a Tentacruel more than a hundred times its usual size. From then on, the demolition is complete. The gigantic Tentacruel, accompanied by its fellow Tentacool, goes and destroys the city, using Meowth as a mouthpiece to make their intentions and objections known. Only pleas from Misty could make it stop and return to the sea.

I'll never forget that episode.

Official Ken Sugimori art of Tentacruel.

That episode is not the only interesting thing about Tentacruel, though. It is actually also a competent competitive Pokémon. It is a fast special tank that is often used for support and defense rather than offense, as its attacking stats are decent but nothing to write home about. Therefore, most EVs are invested in its speed, HP and special defense, and sometimes even in its mediocre defense stat combined with max HP. This is necessary for Tentacruel to endure the battle as long as it possibly can, so that it can set up with Toxic Spikes and Scald (an attacking move that has a chance to burn the foe), remove the opponent's entry hazards with Rapid Spin and remove the opponent's Pokémon's items with Knock Off. Toxic is for flying types, who are immune to Spikes and Toxic Spikes, whereas Sludge Bomb and/or Acid Spray provide for good STAB moves. The latter even harshly lowers the foe's special defense stat, which might give Tentacruel the chance to knock it out or forces the opponent to switch out. Its ability Liquid Ooze is the preferred ability, making the foe lose HP rather than gain HP when it uses an HP-draining move like Giga Drain, Drain Punch or even Leech Seed. Rain Dish heals Tentacruel when it's raining and Clear Body prevents its stats from being lowered, but neither is worth the hassle. For an in-game Tentacruel is doesn't matter, but such a Tentacruel is more offensive, anyway. It is versatile enough: teach it Sludge Bomb (and later on Sludge Wave), Surf, Ice Beam and Dazzling Gleam and you'll have a perfect Tentacruel.

I love Tentacruel, especially because of that 'spectacular' episode of the anime. Could you even imagine how more fearsome this thing would look like when it's showing off all of its tentacles? That's right, Tentacruel might have up to 80 tentacles, but most of them are hidden, leaving only 14 of them exposed. If that doesn't make you shudder, then I don't know what does.

Rating: 4.5/5

#60 - #62, #186: Poliwag, Poliwhirl, Poliwrath & Politoed

The round form of Poliwag makes it somewhat cute and cuddly.

Tadpoles, my ass...

Alright then, I'll admit that Poliwag is a tadpole. And quite honestly, it is a creepy tadpole at that, because the spiral pattern on its belly is supposed to represent how the intestines of real-life tadpoles are sometimes seen through their transparent skins. Gross. I'm not particularly fond of slimy amphibian things in the first place, but that gets even worse when their intestines are clearly visible. One could call such a phenomenon fascinating, but I'm not buying it. What I'm also not buying is the whole Poliwhirl-being-a-tadpole thing. You know, when Poliwag evolves into Poliwhirl, the tail disappears and arms and hands (with what are supposedly gloves attached to it) are added, which really makes me think Poliwhirl isn't supposed to be a tadpole anymore, even though it is still a middle-stage Pokémon and the spiral pattern, still resembling intestines, remains. Admittedly, due to their round bodies and big eyes, both Poliwag and Poliwhirl have a somewhat adorable appearance, which might make one argue that both are tadpoles. But I refuse to believe that one of Poliwhirl's final evolutions, Poliwrath, is a tadpole. It's a grown-ass frog, goddammit!

The Gen. I Poliwag evolution line: Poliwag (middle, standing on
top of Poliwhirl's hand), Poliwhirl (left) and Poliwrath (right).

Poliwrath, which can be obtained by exposing Poliwhirl to a Water Stone, doesn't differ all that much from its pre-evolution, but there are several features that will make you go, 'THAT THING IS NOT A GODDAMN TADPOLE!' (Yes, it bothers me; can you tell?) The angry eyes that bulge from its head like a grown frog, for instance. Or its fierce stance. Its muscular body. The arms and the gloved hands. Its weight (119 pounds) and height (4'03"). Its typing. Indeed, on top of its primary water typing, Poliwrath gains the fighting type upon evolution. It even swims faster than the best human champion swimmers and is able to swim back and forth across the Pacific Ocean without much effort. I don't know much about frogs and tadpoles, but tadpoles can't fight and swim like Poliwrath can; that I know for sure. Then again, anything is possible in the Pokémon world, but even when I take that into account I still don't see a tadpole in Poliwrath. I'm sorry that I'm nagging on about this whole tadpole thing, but it bothers me so much that I had to put it out there. If anything, Poliwhirl and Poliwrath are based on glass frogs, a frog species whose organs are - you guessed it - clearly visible through its transparent skin. I still think that's nasty, though.

The entire Poli family: Poliwag (top right, on top of the square-shaped Poké Ball
box Poliwhirl is balancing on its fist), Poliwhirl (right), Poliwrath (back) and
Politoed (left). No, the crown is not naturally a part of Politoed, but a reference to
its status as a king among the Polis as well as its evolution method.

Enough about that; there is another evolution to discuss! That would be Politoed, who couldn't look any more different from Poliwhirl, but does have the most logical evolution if we maintain the whole tadpole-to-frog thing. While obtaining Poliwrath is easy, the method to obtain a Politoed (who is classified as the 'Frog Pokémon' by the Pokédex, thank the heavens above) is a lot more complicated. It requires the item King's Rock, which is not only harder to find in most games, but also doesn't just evolve Poliwhirl into Politoed. You'll have to have Poliwhirl hold the item and trade it to another game of the same generation. That only works if you have two 3DSs or a friend who is willing to trade with you. Poliwhirl may be the first Pokémon we come across that requires trading to evolve it, but it will definitely not be the last. It's an annoying evolution method for sure, especially if you're dependent on a friend who plays Pokémon as well, so the question is, 'Does it pay off?'

Old-ass official art of Politoed.

Why yes, it does. I mean... whether you like Politoed or not is a matter of taste, but it is undeniable a good Pokémon, especially when you have the right ability on it. Water Absorb, which makes Politoed absorb all water-type moves and regain some of its health, is better than Damp, which negates self-destructing moves like Self-Destruct and Explosion completely, but both are situational. Politoed's hidden ability Drizzle, which makes it rain in battle, is what you want for this Pokémon. The rain does not only boost water-type moves, it also decreases the power fire-type moves and extends the charge-up time for moves like Solar Beam. Due to its decent bulk and special attack, Politoed is often used as a support Pokémon in the competitive scene, with support moves like Encore (to lock the opponent in an undesirable move), Toxic or Hypnosis (to badly poison the foe or put it to sleep), Rest (for reliable recovery on Politoed itself) and even Perish Song (to prevent last-minute sweepers from setting up, as this move causes everyone present on the field to faint within three turns). Have it hold a Damp Rock and the rain will last for eight turns instead of five. For in-game purposes, you can go for an all-offensive Politoed. With its nice special attack stat, it can make use of moves like Scald, Surf, Ice Beam, Psychic, Focus Blast and even Mud Bomb (learned as a Poliwhirl), if you really want a ground-type move as coverage.

Official art of Poliwrath by Ken Sugimori.

Poliwrath, on the other hand, is a physical attacker. Prior to X and Y, it wasn't much of a physical attacker though, despite its muscular appearance. Thankfully, it has gotten a boost in its base attack stat, which is now 95. That is not bad to work with. This time, however, one of its regular abilities, Water Absorb, is the best ability to rock out with. Swift Swim, which doubles Poliwrath's speed when it's raining on the field, is a nice ability when you're running a rain team, but otherwise stick with Water Absorb and invest EVs in its HP and defenses to create some bulk. A Choice Band or Life Orb boosts its physical attacks such as Waterfall (STAB), Brick Break (STAB), Rock Slide, Earthquake, Poison Jab and Ice Punch. Focus Punch and Dynamic Punch look cool, but the former only works in combination with Substitute and the latter has terrible accuracy. Circle Throw, which forces the opponent to switch out, can come in handy though, especially if you want to prevent the opponent from setting up. Smogon also suggests a special attacker, but why would you do that if Poliwrath's physical attack and physical movepool is so much better?

It's just a shame that both Poliwrath and Politoed have had to give up some of their speed in exchange for a little extra bulk, which prevents them from really becoming sweepers. That's not a big deal in Politoed's case, because it looks a little bit like a support Pokémon, but Poliwrath looks like it should beat your opponents to hell and back. Believe it or not: despite the whole rant about Poliwrath not being a tadpole and everything, I really like this Pokémon. Politoed as well, even though I don't understand why it differs so much from the other Polis.

Rating Poliwrath: 4.5/5

Rating Politoed: 4/5