#138 - #139: Omanyte & Omastar

During 'Twitch Plays Pokémon', the Helix Fossil was often
treated as a deity.

Omanyte and Omastar are the first Pokémon in the National Pokédex that can be revived from fossils. That is the only way to obtain such fossil Pokémon, excluding the method of breeding. Usually, you can choose only one from two different fossils in any pair of games (except Gold and Silver, which introduced no new fossil Pokémon), although the availability of fossils has heavily increased since Diamond and Pearl, because they became regular items in the bag rather than key items. You can obtain the following fossils: Helix Fossil (Omanyte) and Dome Fossil (Kabuto) in Red and Blue, Root Fossil (Lileep) and Claw Fossil (Anorith) in Ruby and Sapphire, Skull Fossil (Cranidos) and Armor Fossil (Shieldon) in Diamond and Pearl, Cover Fossil (Tirtouga) and Plume Fossil (Archen) in Black and White, and Jaw Fossil (Tyrunt) and Sail Fossil (Amaura) in X and Y. Additionally, Aerodactyl can be restored from the Old Amber as of Gen. I. There is no doubt the fossils have become a staple feature in every new generation, and I think Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon won't be an exception.

Lord Helix blessing someone.

But the Helix Fossil rose to fame during 'Twitch Plays Pokémon', in which multiple players (the Hive Mind) could insert certain commands at the same time in attempts to steer player character Red, causing a giant mess. Red was able to choose the Helix Fossil from two possible fossils, though, and after the bag was opened in battles by the Hive Mind multiple times, the Helix Fossil was constantly selected because it was the item in the first slot. The Hive Mind saw this as Red 'consulting' the Helix Fossil and thus the storyline of Lord Helix and the Church of Helix religion was created: the God of Anarchy (Lord Helix) was in a war against the God of Democracy (Lord Dome), and when Red chose to carry along the Helix Fossil, this gave the Helix an advantage over the Dome. Angered by this, the Dome tried to sabotage Red's journey in many possible ways, almost succeeding in it: Eevee evolved into Flareon instead of Vaporeon, which led the Hive Mind to take a forced trip to the PC. This went horribly wrong, however, as Abby the Charmeleon and Jay Leno the Rattata, two of TPP's favorite Pokémon, were released and Bird Jesus and the Helix Fossil were deposited into the PC.

Many people saw this as Lord Dome tricking Red into accepting the use of Democracy, which refers to an event in real life: after 24 hours without progress, the person who streamed the game replaced the Anarchy system with the Democracy system. The Hive Mind, thinking TPP was about having fun with complete randomness, rioted by sending no other inputs than 'start9' and the Anarchy system was brought back. Some time later, Bird Jesus returned to the team, Lord Helix was retrieved from the PC again, and Flareon was released. This is seen as Red overcoming the Dome's influence, as the Helix was guiding him once more. To top it off, the Helix Fossil was revived at Cinnabar Island and Omastar became an important team member, responsible for Red defeating the Elite 4 and the Champion.

A fossil of an ammonite, an extinct group of mollusks that
Omanyte is based on.

Whew, that's a long story for such an insignificant Pokémon, right? Well, I'm not done yet. The facts that Omanyte can't be caught in the wild and can only be obtained by reviving the Helix Fossil mean that it has gone extinct somewhere in the past, right? Well, yes. Omanyte and its evolution Omastar are actually based on an extinct group of mollusks called ammonites. Omanyte's name is even a corruption of this word. Omanyte is believed to have lived tens of thousands of years ago, swimming about using its tentacles and regulating its buoyancy by storing and releasing air using its several gas-filled chambers in its shell. However, it was Omastar's fault the species has gone extinct: whereas Omanyte only ate plankton, Omastar's heavy shell hindered it in praying on larger things such as Shellder. But once it ensnared its prey, it never let go; even the hard shells of prehistoric Shellder stood no match against Omastar's powerful and deadly bite, and they were quickly made a meal of by having their insides sucked out.

Ew, that's actually really gross.

Luckily, no such thing happens in the games. And Omastar has never truly been hindered by its stats either, as they are actually pretty decent. Okay, its HP and special defense could be better, but its special attack and defense are actually really great. It's also not very fast, although not as sluggish as its Pokédex entries suggest, but there's a very handy way to get around that: Shell Smash. This move increases Omastar's attack, special attack and speed stats by two stages each and lowers its defense and special defense by one stage each. Give it a White Herb to hold and it'll restore any negative stat changes from Shell Smash, too (only once, though). This strategy makes Omastar a pretty straightforward Pokémon: it's supposed to be a fast late-game sweeper with moves such as Hydro Pump, Surf, Ice Beam, Ancient Power, Earth Power and Hidden Power, so a Timid nature to boost its speed and the Shell Armor ability to prevent critical hits from occurring are recommended. Swift Swim doubles Omastar's speed stat in rain and can be used on rain teams, but it kinda contradicts Omastar's entire flavor. Alternatively, it can be used as an entry hazard setter with a Focus Sash, but I'd recommend a bulkier Pokémon like Ferrothorn to do that (Iron Barbs/Rocky Helmet combo!).

All in all, there are quite some things that make Omanyte and Omastar stand out to other Pokémon, even though it looks a bit insignificant. It's a bit of a shame that this whole 'gone extinct' thing has been done over and over again by adding new fossil Pokémon every generation from Ruby and Sapphire onwards. But I still like Omastar, you know, just not as much as the two fossil Pokémon I will discuss shortly.

Rating: 4/5

#137, #233, #474: Porygon, Porygon2 & Porygon-Z

Stills from "Electric Soldier Porygon" (which
is actually not the official English title, but
merely a free translation of the Japanese);
season 1, episode 38. 

Poor, poor Porygon... What has Pikachu done to you?

Porygon made its only major anime appearance in the 38th episode of the first season, in which Ash and his friends meet a mad scientist called Dr. Akihabara, who has to figure out what is wrong with the Poké Ball transporter in the Pokémon Center in Matcha City. Akihabara actually invented the Pokémon Transport System, but contradicts Brock when he says that it could be a computer virus and should use an anti-virus vaccine program. Akihabara suddenly bolts out of the Center upon further investigation into the system, which cause Ash, Misty and Brock to follow him to his lab. There, they are lured into a giant machine called the Human Transporter. Their mission is to physically enter the computer system and stop Team Rocket (obviously!), who have gone into the system by use of one of Akihabara's prototype Porygon and are currently stealing all of the Poké Balls sent to other Trainers by Nurse Joy. Ash and his friends refuse, but Akihabara traps them and sends them into the system along with his other Porygon. Of course, Ash gets the winning hand and Porygon sends Team Rocket 'blasting off again'. Meanwhile, Nurse Joy hired another technician to put the anti-virus vaccine software into the computer, which seeks to exterminate the humans infiltrating it by taking on the form of an actual vaccination syringe. Trying to escape from it on the back of an enlarged Porygon, even saving Team Rocket in the process, Pikachu blows up the missiles the vaccine fired. Naturally, Porygon narrowly escapes from the computer program, but Akihabara's giant laboratory mansion gets destroyed in the process, much to his dismay.

Fan art of Porygon converting into data. Or something. Hey, I
don't know, man. I am not an IT specialist, OK? 

This infamous episode called "Computer Warrior Porygon" or "Cyber Warrior Porygon", more commonly known as "Electric Soldier Porygon" in English-speaking countries, had become highly controversial following the airing in Japan. The flashing red-and-blue images that followed after Pikachu destroys the missiles caused epileptic seizures in over 700 Japanese citizens, more than 600 of them children. The majority of them were hospitalized, while twelve thousand more children reported mild symptoms like nausea and blurred vision rather than grand mal seizures. The episode even gave the anime the infamous title of "Most Photosensitive Epileptic Seizures Caused by a Television Show" from The Guinness Book of World Records. The incident, which has been parodied in popular culture many times later on, was referred to as 'Pokémon Shock' by the Japanese press and had some major consequences. Firstly, the show went on a four-month hiatus, only to come back preceded by a disclaimer cautioning viewers not to sit too close to the screen and to watch only in a brightly-lit room. Japanese television broadcasters and medical officials came together to create guidelines on flashing images in future animated shows. To prevent similar events from reoccurring, Nintendo quickly ordered the episode pulled, and it has not aired anywhere since as a result, not even outside of Japan. And, last but not least, despite the fact that it was actually Pikachu who caused this strobe-light effect, Porygon got the blame and it and its evolutions were never seen in the anime ever again (barring some cameos), in an effort to put the event out of the public's minds and prevent trauma.

Porygon2 was designed for space exploration, even though it
can't actually fly

And that's a shame, because this man-made Pokémon actually has a very interesting flavor to it. Porygon is an artificial Pokémon created due to extensive research and consists entirely of programming code, being able to perform solely what's in its program with basic movements. Built into its code is Silph Co. copy protection DRM, preventing people from duplicating it through electronic means. But whereas Porygon seems to be based on the concept of a digital bird made with primitive 3D graphics software, its evolution Porygon2 (whose name is actually more logical rather than unimaginative, as it is an updated version not unlike some computer software programs, which is represented by the Up-Grade, used to evolve Porygon with) represents the concept of subdivision in 3D computer graphics and seems to be a smoother version of Porygon, made with more advanced 3D graphics software. The head looks like a duck, but it also resembles a drinking bird, which is especially demonstrated in the 3D games (X, Y, Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire) due to it making the same movement as one. Porygon2 was designed and created for the exploration of other planets, but its inability to fly let it fail to measure up. It has been endowed with artificial intelligence that enables it to learn new behaviors and movements that are not in its programming.

Porygon-Z as a corrupted file.

Porygon2 was given additional software in order to increase its abilities (the Dubious Disc, used to evolve Porygon2 into Porygon-Z), initially for traveling through alien dimensions, but an error occurred and Porygon-Z started acting erratically. Its undesirable and unprogrammed behaviors suggest that it may be based on a computer virus having infected Porygon2 or that it is a reference to copyrighted software being patched by users to use all the features but often causing bugs in the program. And a name like Dubious Disc heavily implies that the computer software wasn't authorized by Silph Co. in the first place, which suggests that Porygon-Z is an illegitimate Pokémon. Basically, Porygon-Z is a corrupted digital file, am I right?

Figurines of Porygon (left), Porygon2 (right) and Porygon-Z
(middle).

But a strong one at that, because at a base 135 its special attack is ridiculously high. It has decent speed and medicore defenses, but with the Choice Specs or a Choice Scarf attached to it, as well as a Modest or Timid nature, it can actually beat Pokémon up at high speed. And with attacks like Tri Attack, Psyshock, Discharge, Dark Pulse, Signal Beam, Thunderbolt, Psychic, Shadow Ball and Ice Beam it is perfectly capable of doing that. Ditch the Scarf or Specs for a Life Orb and you can set up with Nasty Plot and Agility, which sharply boost its special attack and speed stats, respectively. And as Tri Attack matches its own type, normal, its ability Adaptability boosts the power of that move even further. Download is unreliable, as it raises Porygon-Z's special attack stat by one stage when the foe's special defense is lower than it defense, and it raises Porygon-Z's attack stat when it's the other way around. Analytic lets Porygon-Z boost its moves if the foe already attacked, but you want Porygon-Z to attack first due to its moderate frailty. You know who might benefit from Analytic? Porygon2.

Porygon (right), Porygon2 (middle) and Porygon-Z (left) in cyberspace.

Porygon2 is not as fast as its evolution by a long shot. Then again, it is used in a completely different way than Porygon-Z, because it is still able to evolve and that makes the Eviolite a very desirable item to use on Porygon2. This item buffs up its decent bulk even more! Add to that a defensive nature like Calm or Bold and the moves Recover and either Toxic or Thunder Wave (with Tri Attack and either Ice Beam or Thunderbolt to complete its moveset), and you'll have an annoying support Pokémon. Its special attack isn't as high as Porygon-Z's, although it is absolutely not bad, but it has a much better utility competitively, at least in my own humble opinion. Porygon2 doesn't have access to Adaptability, however, so you'll have to do with Analytic or maybe even Trace, which is an ability that copies the foe's ability and potentially allows Porygon2 to use that ability against it.

Porygon and its kin are curious Pokémon, especially if you consider that a Pokémon based on computer data was released in 1996 and designed even earlier. It was the era in which computer technology was still in its infancy, at least compared to what's available to us in the present day. I really like this Pokémon, but th^%gfjk*@%^wt%blbrrrrbl-#$$

kgggggg... kgggg... kgggg...

I'm sorry, my opinion got corrupted.

Rating: 4/5

#133 - #136, #196 - #197, #470 - #471, #700: Eevee, Vaporeon, Jolteon, Flareon, Espeon, Umbreon, Leafeon, Glaceon & Sylveon

Y'all bitches better prepare yourselves, 'cause this is going to be one lengthy-ass article. I think. No, definitely.

Today I want to talk about one of my favorite evolution lines in existence: Eevee and its evolutions. They are often affectionately called Eeveelutions by most Pokémon freaks, and from here on out, I will refer to Eevee's evolutions by using this term. Unless, of course, I'm calling the Pokémon by its actual name. Obviously.

Eevee (middle), surrounded by its eight possible evolutions.

So... Eevee. Eevee is a curious Pokémon, being able to evolve into a whopping EIGHT possible Pokémon, which is more than any other Pokémon. Tyrogue is, with three possible evolutions, not even a close second; and if Game Freak had stopped adding new Eeveelutions after Gen. I, Tyrogue would have been tied with Eevee. But Game Freak didn't stop, and after Vaporeon, Jolteon and Flareon we also got Espeon, Umbreon, Leafeon, Glaceon and the recently added Sylveon. The main reason why Eevee is able to evolve into any one of these eight different Pokémon is because it has irregularly shaped DNA that allows it to adapt to many different kinds of environments, changing its appearance and abilities completely in order for it to better suit its surroundings. It all depends on its habitat. Eevee is not like Ditto, who can transfrom into any Pokémon it sees and change back whenever it suits it; Eevee's evolution is permanent and is triggered by fulfilling certain requirements. In Red, Blue and Yellow, evolving Eevee was relatively easy, as Vaporeon, Jolteon and Flareon were obtainable by exposing Eevee to a Water Stone, Thunder Stone or Fire Stone, respectively. After that, it became harder to have Eevee evolve. Espeon and Umbreon can both be obtained by maxing out Eevee's friendship level and then leveling it up during the daytime or nighttime, respectively. Eevee will evolve into either Leafeon or Glaceon by leveling it up near the Moss Rock or Ice Rock, respectively, but this can be hard, as Eevee has often been unobtainable (or the Moss and Ice Rock inaccessible) in the main storyline since Diamond and Pearl. Finally, Gen. VI saw the introduction of Sylveon, who can be obtained by leveling up Eevee while it has a fairy-type move on it and two affection hearts in Pokémon-Amie.

ISN'T THIS THE MOST ADORABLE THING YOU HAVE EVER
SEEN???

Eevee has always been one of the most popular Pokémon, and it seems to be Game Freak's sweetheart as well. In the first, second and fourth generations, as well as FireRed and LeafGreen (Red and Blue remakes), Eevee is given to the player by a non-player character (NPC). In Pokémon XD: Gale of Darkness and Pokémon Conquest, as well as some Mystery Dungeon games, Eevee is the starter Pokémon, while Pokémon Colosseum lets you start with two fully evolved Eeveelutions: Espeon and Umbreon. It's not a surprise that Eevee is so popular: because it is able to evolve into eight different Pokémon of eight different types, it is so diverse that it is impossible not to have at least one favorite Eeveelution. And maybe Eevee itself is one of your favorite Pokémon, just because it's so friggin' adorable. There is an abundance of cute Eevee fan art to be found on the Internet, as well as countless pieces of Eeveelution fan art. And rightfully so, because there is something to be said for any one of the Eeveelutions: Jolteon is the coolest, for example, while Flareon is the cutest, Espeon and Sylveon are the prettiest and Umbreon has the prettiest shiny form.

Look at how savage they are. ROAR!!!

It really helps that each Eeveelution has its own distinct flavor and battle tactics. Vaporeon, for example, has a cell structure that is similar to water molecules, which allows it to melt away and make itself invisible while underwater. It has the ability to control water, and when its fins begin to vibrate, it is a sign that rain will come within a few hours. Because it shares traits with felines and fish, Vaporeon's design may be a visual pun on the catfish, although it may also be inspired by the Telchines of Greek mythology, the original inhabitants of Rhodes. Eevee and its evolutions are even said to be based off of canines, but I personally think they look more feline rather than canine, with the notable exception of Jolteon. Back to Vaporeon. Competitively, Vaporeon has some beefy HP to it, as well as excellent special attack and some pretty damn good special defense. It is therefore often used as a wall, sporting a Bold nature to beef up its mediocre defense, so that it can take physical hits just as well as special ones. Combine it with the ability Water Absorb (nullifies all water-type attacks used on Vaporeon and heals it for 25% of its maximum HP whenever possible), the Leftovers to gain some HP back every turn, the Wish/Protect combo and Heal Bell for some annoying recovery, and Scald for a high chance to burn and thus reduce the impact of physical hits on Vaporeon, and Vaporeon just becomes a pain in the ass. You can also go for an all-out offensive approach; its excellent special attack and access to Ice Beam and other coverage moves like Signal Beam and Shadow Ball leaves it perfectly viable for that.

Awww, Eeveelutions can be cute, too! 

Jolteon, on the other hand, is all about the hit-and-run tactic. It excels in special attack and speed and is therefore more often used as an all-out attacker. A Timid nature, a Life Orb or the Choice Specs as held item and the ability Quick Feet (increases speed when suffering from a non-volatile status condition, although Volt Absorb works great, too) really help it to outspeed most other Pokémon and KO them in one or two hits, especially with moves like Thunderbolt, Volt Switch, Signal Beam and any type of Hidden Power. Jolteon can also learn Shadow Ball, if you find that convenient. Its relatively low HP and defense render it quite frail, though, so watch out. But it's not only its utility in the competitive scene that makes Jolteon a cool Pokémon: its design and flavor are some of the best of the Eeveelutions, in my opinion. Electric-type Pokémon tend to have cool, streamlined designs, and Jolteon is no exception. It is easily sad, angered or startled, and when it is, the hairs of its fur become needles that are fired at its opponents. Every time its mood changes, it accumulates negative ions in the atmosphere to blast out 10,000-volt lightning bolts. Even its cells produce electrical charges, which Jolteon amplifies with the static electricity of its fur and eventually discharges. Because of its feline traits, Jolteon may be based on Raijū, a mythical beast from Japanese mythology whose body is made of thunder and may take the form of a cat.

Fun fact: Jolteon is actually the only Eeveelution with no visible tail.

There is an abundance of cool and cute Eeveelution fan art to be
found on the Internet, but you'll encounter the occasional funny
piece as well. 

But while Jolteon is cool and all, it is not my favorite Eeveelution. Flareon is, and that's because its design comes closest to Eevee of all Eeveelutions. And I love Eevee for its adorableness, so take one guess why I prefer Flareon over all of the others... Exactly, because it's the fluffiest. Its flavor is perfect for that, too, as its fire typing causes it to have a high body temperature up to 1,650°F. That's where its fluffy fur comes into play: it acts as a conductor to release heat into the air, so that Flareon's body doesn't become excessively hot. Its high body temperature is caused by an internal flame sac, which Flareon uses to store and heat inhaled air then exhale it as fire as hot as 3,000°F. This sounds incredibly powerful, but sadly, Flareon isn't such a good competitive battler. It just doesn't seem to have the right stat distribution, because its attack is fantastic and its special defense is really good as well, but everything else just doesn't fit in. It has mediocre HP, defense and speed, which means it is quite frail and will often have to take a hit before it gets the chance to attack, provided that it does get a chance to attack. Its lack of good physical fire-type moves up until Gen. V made it one of the least favorite Eeveelutions to use competitively, which is more than understandable. Thankfully, it got Flare Blitz in Gen. VI, but it deals recoil damage, so watch out with that. As for the rest of its set, Superpower and Quick Attack are must-haves, while Iron Tail can be used to cover rock and fairy types and Substitute may be an option to delay Flareon's downfall. Give it an Adamant nature and give it a Choice Band, or make use of its hidden ability Guts, which increases Flareon's attack by 50% when it has a status condition, and let it hold a Toxic Orb (a Flame Orb won't work, because fire-type Pokémon can't get burned). The Choice Band is the better option, but because of the lack of good physical moves and its poor stat distribution, Flareon sucks ass in the competitive scene. It breaks my heart to say that, but yeah...

More Eeveelution fan art. 

Luckily, we have Espeon, who has about the same hit-and-run tactic like Jolteon. Blessed with excellent special attack and very good speed, Espeon is a great Pokémon to use in the UU tier. It has access to Psychic, Dazzling Gleam and Shadow Ball, as well as Signal Beam, Grass Knot and Morning Sun for some instant recovery, just for convenience. A Timid nature and the Choice Specs or Choice Scarf (a Life Orb if you want to add Calm Mind to Espeon's moveset) are recommended, as is its ability Magic Bounce, which reflects all status moves that would otherwise disadvantage Espeon back to the opponent. Hah, try to Thunder Wave me now, bitch! Synchronize, which causes the opponent to get the same status condition they gave to Espeon, seems nice, but you're better off with Magic Bounce. Espeon seems like a magical Pokémon in the first place, and that's not that far from the truth. Espeon uses the fine hairs of the velvety fur that covers its body to sense and read air currents, so that it can predict the future, the weather and an opponent's movements, while its forked tail quivers when it does that. Espeon appears to be based on the nekomata, also known as bake-neko, which are mysterious and intelligent fork-tailed cats. Ancient writings describe the nekomata as having 'eyes like a cat and a body like a dog', which could explain why Espeon looks feline as well as canine. Espeon is a light-hearted and loyal Pokémon, other than Umbreon (who was introduced in Gen. II alongside Espeon), who has kind of a dark personality.

Shiny Umbreon has blue rings and yellow eyes instead of yellow
rings and red eyes. I think it's very fancy. 

That is not exactly surprising, as Umbreon is a dark-type Pokémon. Being completely black, it can make itself perfectly invisible during nighttime, although the yellow rings on its fur glow faintly when it is exposed to the moon's aura (which is how it evolved in the first place) or when it gets exceptionally excited. It's also a defense mechanism that strikes fear into the hearts anyone nearby, and whenever it is agitated it sprays a poisonous sweat to keep the foe at bay. Its flavor suggests that Umbreon takes on more of a defensive tactic, and that is exactly what it is about. Provided with excellent defenses and some pretty good HP, Umbreon acts as a tank and is usually a pain to take down. Its attacking stats are really poor, though, but it doesn't need them, so don't worry. The Wish/Protect combo is a common tactic that makes Moonlight for instant recovery kinda useless, but it has Heal Bell to cure status conditions and Foul Play to deal some good damage, using the foe's attack stat against them rather than using its own. That way, it doesn't even matter if you're running a Calm, Careful, Impish or Bold nature; any of those is completely fine for it. Of course, the Leftovers are the obvious held item for it, but this time you'd do better to run Synchronize, as Inner Focus only prevents Umbreon from flinching. That seems nice, but it is purely situational and Umbreon can take a hit just fine, anyway. I just can't get over the fact that it looks a little like a hare or a rabbit (the ears!), which is why it could be based on East Asian folklores concerning a moon rabbit.

Why is it so HARD to pick fan art for this article? This one is
totally cute, though.

The Gen. IV additions work a little bit differently from Espeon and Umbreon, as Leafeon is just a... why, it's basically a plant. Well, its genetic structure is that of a plant, which allows it to perform photosynthesis and purify the air around it by sleeping under patches of sunshine. Although it is a pacifist and prefers not to fight, Leafeon has some very good attack, excellent defense and some pretty decent speed. All of its other stats are kinda meh, but if you manage to get a Swords Dance off, you can sweep with Leaf Blade and X-Scissor. Leafeon learns Knock Off, which is handy to make the foe lose its held item, while Synthesis provides some recovery, Baton Pass can be used to pass on the attack boost from Swords Dance to another Pokémon, and Iron Tail provides some very nice coverage against ice and fairy types. Those are all viable options. So what about natures, items and abilities? An Adamant nature isn't bad, but it's not preferred over a Jolly nature. A Choice Band locks Leafeon into using just one move until it is switched out, but it boosts its attack by 50%, while a Life Orb works just as well. Now, Leafeon works best in a sun team, because both of its abilities are only beneficial when the sun is up: Chlorophyll will double its speed, while Leaf Guard prevents it from being afflicted by non-volatile status conditions. So slapping Sunny Day on it might not be a bad idea, either. Additionally, you can even go the (physically) defensive way, but there's Vaporeon and Umbreon for that, so it's kind of unnecessary.

If you gather all Eeveelutions together, the result is a very
colorful bunch. 

Leafeon is definitely a good Pokémon, but Glaceon faces the same problem as Flareon: its stat distribution is not quite right. It has excellent special attack and some pretty good defensive stats, but it doesn't have the speed and HP stats to back them up. It can take a hit, but not exceptionally well, and like Flareon, Glaceon suffers from 'Shallow Movepool Syndrome': the best moves it gets are Ice Beam, Shadow Ball and Signal Beam, but that's about it. Water Pulse and Hidden Power are weaker options with just base 60 power, but I guess Glaceon can pull them off decently with that base 130 special attack. Just make sure you have a Modest-natured one holding the Choice Specs or a Life Orb. Maybe you'd be better off teaching Glaceon Hail, since both its abilities trigger when it's hailing: Snow Cloak raises Glaceon's evasion by 25%, while Ice Body heals a little of its maximum HP every turn. It's a tactic, but it takes time and it's a little bland; just use Vaporeon if you want an Eeveelution with Ice Beam. It's as slow as Glaceon and doesn't hit as hard, but it's bulkier and at least you're sure it'll survive a few hits. Unfortunately, Glaceon's flavor is as bland as its battle strategy. It can freeze its fur and make it stick out like sharp needles, and it is capable of creating ice crystals around it by lowering the temperature of its body and its surroundings. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think that is overly special. I really, really like Glaceon's design a lot, but I don't think I would ever use it; at least not competitively.

Sylveon the dragonslayer.

Finally there's Sylveon, the latest addition to the Eevee family. X and Y introduced Pokémon-Amie, a sort of in-game app that allows you to pet and feed your Pokémon. Play with Eevee for a while and have it gain two affection hearts, and it will evolve when you level it up while it knows a fairy-type move. It'll be worth your while, though, as Sylveon is a beautiful Pokémon with a calm vibe to it, emitting a soothing aura from its ribbon-like feelers to calm fights. Of course, Sylveon is very affectionate towards you because you played with it in Pokémon-Amie, so it has the tendency to wrap its feelers around its Trainer's arms and walk with them. Sylveon is based on a sylph, a mythological spirit described as invisible beings of the air, which is why it received the brand new fairy typing. The fairy type has become infamous for its advantage over dragon types, being super effective on and completely immune to them. That's also what makes Sylveon so incredibly popular, along with the fact that it's capable of learning Psyshock, a well-liked move that deals physical damage using the user's special attack. Throw in a Modest nature, the moves Shadow Ball, Moonblast and either Hidden Power or Calm Mind with Choice Specs or a Life Orb, respectively, and it'll be tough to take down, especially on the special side of the spectrum. A Timid nature is an option, but Sylveon isn't very fast in the first place, and you want to max out that delicious special attack. As its special defense is by far its best stat, you could also run the Wish/Protect combo, although Vaporeon is generally better-suited for that, as it has more HP (even though Sylveon's base 95 HP isn't bad in the slightest).

Oh, one more thing: Cute Charm is a bad ability; you definitely want its hidden ability Pixilate, which turns all normal-type moves it uses into fairy-type moves. That works well with Hyper Voice, turning it into a STAB move for Sylveon that goes right through Substitute. It's weaker than Moonblast by only five base points, but it does get a boost from Pixilate, so it certainly pays off!

Very glittery and fancy fan art of the Eeveelutions, with Sylveon in the forefront.

In the end, not all Eeveelutions are equally good, but at least everyone has a favorite one. As I already stated, mine is Flareon, even though it is not the best battler out there. Besides, Eevee is so goddamn cute that it almost kills me. And yes, I know I'm a guy and all, but I have a thing for amazingly cute Pokémon, okay? So leave me be. Anyway, the fact that Eevee evolves into eight different Pokémon (obviously not at the same time) makes it one of the most unique Pokémon to date. And I have the feeling that the developers at Game Freak aren't done with Eevee yet, because I'm wondering whether Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon will contain brand new Eeveelutions as well, even though this whole sun-and-moon concept has been done with Espeon and Umbreon before (and again with Solrock and Lunatone). Then again, new Eeveelutions might be entirely unrelated to the games' storyline.

Okay, what the hell am I doing? We know absolutely nothing about the new games, only that they were announced a short while ago. It's way too early to speculate about games that won't be released until next winter, which is still nine months away, ha ha ha. Damn. Anyhow, all I know is that Eevee and the existing Eeveelutions are definitely some of my favorite Pokémon, because of their designs and uniqueness. You probably won't be surprised I'm giving all of them a perfect rating.

AND NOW I'M DONE FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING MONTH, GODDAMMIT! (Just kidding.)

Rating: 5/5

#132: Ditto

GIF of two Ditto (one of them is shiny) transforming into Dawn's
Piplup and Ash's Pikachu. 

And then we have this thing.

Ditto is the abomination of the first generation. It was designed for absolutely no purpose other than being a gimmicky Pokémon. Being able to rearrange its entire cellular structure, Ditto can transform into any Pokémon it sees. This gimmick is actually pretty pointless, because it envelops a tactic that doesn't really work at all. Ditto only knows the move Transorm and can't learn anything else, and until the fourth generation, transforming into the Pokémon of your liking took up an entire turn. But even with its hidden ability Imposter, Ditto is still not a good Pokémon to use. Here's my problem: if Ditto changes into the opponent's Pokémon, it gains the opponent's species, typing, moves (all have only 5 PP after using Transform), ability, stats (except for HP), EV investment, EV yield, catch rate, possible stat modifications and possible Mega evolution, right? But to counter Blastoise with Blastoise or Bisharp with Bisharp makes no sense, as water resists water and steel resists steel, while countering Mismagius with Mismagius or Salamence with Salamence isn't beneficial either, because both ghost and dragon are super effective against themselves. Even when you copy an attack that is super effective on the opponent, the opponent will have that same super-effective move on Ditto as well. And with such low base HP and basically no PP on its copied moves, Ditto is almost always the first to go down.

Ditto, the whore of the Pokémon world.

Thankfully, Ditto has actually been useful from Gen. II onward, because it is used for breeding. You see, Ditto is nothing more than a dirty ho, and it will fuck anything to produce offspring without having the goodwill to pay child support. It doesn't even have the decency to go to some sort of Red Light District; it just does it in a goddamn day care. That's utterly redonkulous! All jokes aside though, you can have almost any Pokémon breed with Ditto to produce eggs. Those eggs will always contain the species you let breed with Ditto, as it is impossible to obtain an egg that contains a Ditto. Most of the time, this is what Ditto is used for in the first place: many Trainers use it for breeding in order to obtain Pokémon of other species with perfect IVs and their preferred natures and abilities. Of course, this is only possible because of Ditto's ability to transform into anything it sees. Strangely, Transform is not its signature move, as there is one other Pokémon that can learn it naturally: Mew. Ditto doesn't only have that in common with Mew, either: they have the same coloration for their regular appearances, the same shiny coloration, the same weight (8.8 pounds), perfectly balanced base stats (Ditto's at 48, Mew's at 100) and no gender.

There is a popular fan theory roaming around on the Internet that says Ditto is a failed attempt at cloning Mew, as in Pokémon Yellow there are Ditto to be found in the Pokémon Mansion on Cinnabar Island and Cerulean Cave. That mansion is where several experiments with Mew and Mewtwo were carried out, and the cave is the place where Mewtwo can be found and caught. This theory is not confirmed, however, and these kinds of speculations don't have anything useful to add to Ditto's flavor.

Stills from "Ditto's Mysterious Mansion"; season 1, episode 37.
Duplica's Ditto doesn't seem to have perfected the art of
transforming, so it seems. Its attempts to properly transform into
Pikachu, Voltorb, Bulbasaur and Machoke, respectively, all
failed.

Speaking of which, Ditto is excruciatingly boring. Its design is nothing more than a pink blob and all of its Pokédex entries come down to the same damn thing: it can copy the foe's genetic code and reconstruct its own cellular structure to transform into any foe that stands in front it. There is one notable exception in Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald's entries, as they state that Ditto may get some details wrong when relying solely on its memory to transform into a Pokémon (or an inanimate object, for that matter). The anime demonstrated that some Ditto can't even properly transform into something that stands before it. In "Ditto's Mysterious Mansion", Ash and his friends come across a girl called Duplica (I'm not lying, that's the chick's actual name), who wants to be a Ditto master and a star in performing. Much to her dismay, though, her Ditto isn't capable of mirroring other Pokémon's faces correctly. But when Team Rocket abduct Ditto and threaten to hurt it if it doesn't do what they want, Ditto transforms into an exact replica of Meowth, which leaves Duplica thoroughly ecstatic after she and the rest come to Ditto's rescue.

I don't like Ditto. Except for the sole purpose of breeding, it is absolutely pointless: its design is very unimaginative, it's a terrible battler and it can't even be used as an HM slave. And if you want a Ditto with perfect IVs, you'd better go looking for hacked Powersaves Ditto, because obtaining a legit one is extremely hard. I don't hate Ditto, but I'd lie if I told you that I'm not at least a little bit bothered by its existence. It's by far not as terrible as Lickilicky and Mr. Mime, two horrendous Pokémon I already discussed before, but still...

Rating: 1.5/5

#131: Lapras

Lapras's surfing sprite in Pokémon X and Y. All of the
other surfing Pokémon are depicted as black blobs.

Imagine you could go anywhere just by riding Lapras. You won't be polluting the environment by emitting carbon dioxide when driving your car, transport is completely free of charge, and, most importantly, you won't be surrounded by noisy and nosy people: Lapras is all for yourself. If only that was possible...

Yeah, dream on.

Well, in the Pokémon world, Lapras is actually a very timid and docile but gentle Pokémon that is more than willing to ferry people across large bodies of water, a trait that has been recurrently demonstrated in the Pokémon franchise. During the Orange Islands saga, Ash owned a baby Lapras that took him and his friends everywhere they needed to go, from island to island and from adventure to adventure. Furthermore, the surfing sprite in X and Y is actually a Lapras instead of a vague black blur and the games in the Mystery Dungeon series often feature a Lapras that transports the main characters to other continents. There are probably other examples, but I was just trying to make a point here: Lapras is all about transporting other people and/or Pokémon, hence its classification as the 'Transport Pokémon'.

Fan art of Lapras leaping from the ocean water.

Except for the fact that there aren't any real-life marine creatures that will ferry you across the oceans, Lapras' flavor in general is interesting and very well-executed in the anime and games. It seems to be loosely based on the Scottish fable of the Monster of Loch Ness, but strongly resembles a species of marine dinosaurs from the Jurassic period known as the plesiosaur. Lapras is a very compassionate and intelligent Pokémon that can understand human speech (which is not extraordinary, because any other Pokémon is able to understand human speech as well) and can read the minds of people, and is so rare due to it being overhunted almost to extinction by hunters that take advantage of its gentle and pacifist nature. Therefore, it sings enchanting melodies to seek or keep in touch with others of its kind. All of these characteristics can be comparable to some cetaceans, marine mammals like whales and dolphins.

Fun fact: Lapras's name is a corruption of the surname of Pierre-Simon Laplace, an influential French mathematician who wrote several books on the mathematical properties of the sea and tides, and/or a corruption of la place, which is French for 'the seat' and refers to how passengers sit on its back like a seat to be ferried across the waters. Additionally, its name may also be derived from lapis lazuli, a deep blue semi-precious stone that has been prized for its intense color since ancient times.

More Lapras fan art. 

But despite the fact that Lapras rarely fight, Game Freak can hardly prohibit you to use Lapras to fight with in the games, especially in the competitive scene. And Lapras is a bulky Pokémon with well-rounded stats across the board, possessing some beefy HP and alright offensive and defensive stats. Its speed isn't that good, but Lapras is meant to take some hits, so it doesn't matter anyway. Now, there are a few ways to use this thing. Firstly, an all-out attacking Lapras isn't uncommon: Lapras can learn a shit-ton of good offensive moves, including Ice Beam, Scald, Freeze-Dry, Thunderbolt, Psychic, Surf, Dragon Pulse, Ancient Power, Bulldoze, Body Slam, Zen Headbutt, Waterfall, Aqua Tail, Iron Head, Iron Tail and Outrage. A Modest nature and Choice Specs help pump up the strength of its moves even further, but Lapras isn't the best attacker out there (although I'm not saying that it's bad by any means). I recommend utilize Lapras's natural bulk and breed one with a Bold nature, while you maximize its HP and defense EVs and, to a lesser extent, invest some in its special attack as well. It should be holding the Leftovers and its moveset should consist of Scald (does some STAB damage and has a high chance to burn the opposing Pokémon), Rest, Heal Bell (heals all of your Pokémon's status conditions) and Roar (forces the opponent to switch into another Pokémon, which is handy if the opposing Pokémon is setting up). Ditching Roar for Freeze-Dry or Ice Beam is optional. Anyway, to top all of that, Shell Armor is an excellent ability that prevents the opponent to pull off a critical hit on Lapras, which only adds up to Lapras's bulk. Water Absorb is nice too, absorbing incoming water-type attacks and even getting some HP recovery from them, while Hydration cures any non-volatile status condition while it's raining and works primarily on a rain team. It can be useful in combination with Rest, though.

In the end, Lapras is a very interesting Pokémon that has a lot going for it. Some Pokémon are easily forgettable, but the motherfuckers at Game Freak have done everything in their power to let nobody forget about it. And rightfully so, because Lapras is an excellent Pokémon that deserves some love.

Rating: 4/5

#129 - #130: Magikarp & Gyarados

I think Magikarp has the right to say this. 

So how does the most pathetic Pokémon evolve into a monstrous Pokémon exactly?

And with pathetic I actually mean pathetic. Magikarp's level-up movepool has been the same since Gen. II, consisting of only Splash, Tackle and Flail, and its stats are terrible across the board. Well, its speed is decent, but it's useless when you have no offensive or defensive stats whatsoever. But do you see the memes below and on the right? That's right, Magikarp will fuck you up when it evolves into the fearsome Gyarados, but how does that excalate so quickly? Well, Magikarp is based on an Asian carp (although it does look a bit like a koi carp), a kind of fish that is easily startled and can jump 8 to 10 feet in the air, hence Magikarp's 'ability' to splash. Magikarp's evolution into Gyarados refers to a Chinese legend about how carp that leapt over the Dragon Gate, which many believe is located behind several waterfalls and cataracs in China, would become dragons, but it's mainly an allegory of the drive and efforts needed to overcome obstacles. This is also demonstrated in the side game Pokémon Snap, in which a Magikarp splashes its way into a waterfall and evolves after taking certain steps.

Awesome fan art of a Gyarados scaring the crap out of a Rattata.

And, honestly, the change from Magikarp (stats, appearance, Pokédex entries) into Gyarados is like broad daylight abruptly turning into the dead of night. Even its Pokédex entries portray Magikarp as weak and pathetic. The following examples are a selection of Magikarp's Pokédex entries in the video games; there are a couple more, but I don't want to make this article too long.

Pokédex entry Red/Blue:
"In the distant past, it was somewhat stronger than the horribly weak descendants that exist today."

Pokédex entry Silver:
"For no reason, it jumps and splashes about, making it easy for predators like Pidgeotto to catch it mid-jump."

Pokédex entry Ruby:
"Magikarp is a pathetic excuse for a Pokémon that is only capable of flopping and splashing. This behavior prompted scientists to undertake research into it."

Pokédex entry Emerald:
"Its swimming muscles are weak, so it is easily washed away by even slow-moving currents. In places where water pools, you can see many Magikarp deposited there by the flow."

Pokédex entry FireRed:
"It is virtually worthless in terms of both power and speed. It is the most weak and pathetic Pokémon in the world."

Pokédex entry Diamond:
"It is said to be the world's weakest Pokémon. No one knows why it has managed to survive."

Goddamn, Magikarp really wants to murder some people. By the
way, this Gyarados is shiny, for those who didn't know that yet.
Regular Gyarados are blue.

Horribly weak, a pathetic excuse for a Pokémon, virtually worthless, the most weak and pathetic Pokémon in the world... Those are some powerful superlatives you use there, Game Freak. Like, calm the fuck down. I know Magikarp isn't strong, but adding so many inglorious Pokédex entries is really pushing it. Actually, there are two that are somewhat positive, but they are both overshadowed by the negativity added to them: Sapphire's entry says that Magikarp can survive in the most polluted waters but actually starts off with some of above-mentioned superlatives, while Diamond's (as well as Black, White, Black 2 and White 2's entries) mentions that a Magikarp that lives for many years can leap a mountain using Splash but that the move remains useless no matter what. And even though you're not exactly wrong by chastizing Magikarp for being worthless, that's a very effective way to make some positivity about it undone, Game Freak. Excellent job.

James's Gyarados in "Pokémon Shipwreck";
season 1, episode 16. It is enraged because it
is kicked away as a Magikarp after being
called worthless. It takes revenge by
summoning other Gyarados and create a huge
waterspout that blows the kids away.

How different Gyarados's Pokédex entries are from Magikarp's, though. This humangous sea serpent has fangs that can crush stones and its scales are harder than steel. Gyarados is classified as the 'Atrocious Pokémon', and that description is spot on: it looks hideous and has a terrible personality also. You see, Gyarados is infamously known for its fierce temper and wanton destructive tendencies and it is capable of annihilate entire cities in a rage, which it has done in ancient times. There are even records of this Pokémon's rampages lasting a whole goddamn month. It is attracted to wars and conflicts, which is why it is hard to tame one even after it is captured by its Trainer, and an exceptional amount of work in taming Gyarados is required in order for it to obey its Trainer without any problems. This is demonstrated in "Pokémon Shipwreck", one of the earlier episodes of the anime. In the episode before that, "Battle Aboard the St. Anne", James gets conned on the St. Anne, a gigantic cruise ship, and ends up with a worthless Magikarp. However, the St. Anne capsizes and Ash, his friends and Team Rocket have to work together to make their way out of the sinking ship by use of Misty's water Pokémon. James tries to use Magikarp, but nearly ends up drowning, and after all of them are gathered together on a raft, James calls Magikarp a worthless piece of shit (not literally, but it's pretty damn near close) and kicks it into the ocean. This triggers evolution in Magikarp, changing into the fearsome Gyarados. Enraged, it summons other Gyarados who start swimming in circles, creating a enormous waterspout that blows everyone away, resulting in the majority of the bunch to be washed ashore on an island with giantic robotic Pokémon ("Island of the Giant Pokémon").

But why on Earth is Gyarados so incredibly violent compared to Magikarp? Well, the brain cells undergo a structural transformation, which is believed to be blamed for Gyarados's sudden violent behavior. I don't want to give away too much, but Gyarados seems to be the counterpart of Milotic: both are serpentine evolution of weak fish, both have an increase of 340 points in their base stat total upon evolution, and both appear in times of conflict (Gyarados to destroy, Milotic to becalm). If you take a look at Milotic, you'll understand why.

Official art of Mega Gyarados.

But upon gaining all of this power, Gyarados should become an awesome Pokémon to use competitively, right? Oh, hell yeah. Game Freak blessed Gyarados with an amazing Mega evolution that hits like a truck. With base 155 attack, 109 defense, 130 special defense and a decent base 95 HP stat, Mega Gyarados is an offensive tank. Unfortunately, it doesn't gain any speed upon Mega-evolving, but that can be fixed by teaching it Dragon Dance. That is definitely a move you'll want to keep, along with Crunch and Waterfall (or Aqua Tail; more power in exchange for some accuracy), from which it gets STAB. The other spot in its moveset should be reserved for Earthquake, but it also learns Stone Edge, Ice Fang, Outrage, Iron Head, Iron Tail and Dragon Tail (makes Gyarados to go last, but forces the opponent to switch out to one of their Pokémon at random, which is perfect to prevent sweepers from setting up). However, regular Gyarados has the flying type as its secondary typing, so it doesn't get STAB from Crunch. Moreover, the lack of good physical flying-type moves makes it a lot less viable for competitive play. It only gets Bounce, which is a two-turn move and therefore unusable, as it'll let the opponent get the chance to switch out to a Pokémon that is resistant to flying. Unless you give it a Power Herb, that is, which is a one-time-use item that allows the holder to attack immediately with a move that charges on the first turn. It's barely worth the hassle, though.

I... I can't even. This fan art is INCREDIBLE!!!

As for items, it is better to give Gyarados the Leftovers to hold, so that it can heal a little of its HP every turn. A Choice Band or a Choice Scarf is not an option if you're gonna use a Dragon Dance Gyarados, so the Life Orb may be an alternative. Regular Gyarados are better if they have some bulk to them, though, so you'll want Intimidate for an ability, which lowers the opponent's attack stat by one stage when switching into Gyarados. Its hidden ability is Moxie, which increases its attack by one stage every time it knocks out a Pokémon, but that would be much better on Mega Gyarados (who, sadly, always has Mold Breaker). Lastly, a Jolly or Adamant nature is preferred. You can go for an all-defensive Gyarados with status moves like Thunder Wave, Rest, Sleep Talk and Roar, with a Careful nature to boot, but that would be a waste of its power. Just use the Substitute/Dragon Dance combo with Waterfall and Earthquake and you'll be set.

Gyarados is a monster, and it has one of the most interesting flavors I have come across. The Chinese legend of carp becoming dragons when leaping over the Dragon Gate has brought forth one of the most obvious and well-executed transformations thus far. The only thing that still confuses me is Gyarados's flying type. It may be a reference to koinobori, a carp-shaped windsock traditionally flown to celebrate Children's Day in Japan, on which children's personalities and happiness are celebrated. It would have been better had Game Freak decided to make it water/dragon, but in Gen. I that would have been way too overpowered, as dragon was only weak to ice and itself. But there was only Dragon Rage in Gen. I, dealing a fixed damage of 40 HP, and Gyarados's water typing neutralizes ice-type moves. The result? Gyarados would've had no weaknesses whatsoever. Talk about overpowered...

Rating: 4.5/5

#128: Tauros

Eh. Is it bad that I forgot that this Pokémon existed at all?

Tauros is one of those Pokémon that are easily forgotten, and I think it just crept into the limbo area of my memory; you know, that area in which you put all of those things you forget or want to forget, never for them to return. Okay, let me get this straight: it's not that I had completely forgotten that Tauros is a thing - in fact, I've known it was there all along - but it's such a generic and uneventful Pokémon.

Official Sugimori art of Tauros.

Honestly, you can't be that surprised about that. In the 35th episode of the first season of the anime, "The Legend of Dratini" (Dratini's Japanese name is Miniryū (ミニリュウ), but most non-Japanese people obviously use its English name), Ash catches a horde of exactly thirty Tauros in the Safari Zone. But even though the American voice-over actors actually recorded the episode, the network deemed the episode too violent and offensive due to the frequent use of firearms. Of course, that left a major plot hole that confused many viewers and left them wondering as to when, where, how and why Ash caught these Tauros in the first place. It doesn't really help that Tauros's design is somewhat bland and that its Pokédex entries seem to be copied from those of other Pokémon. Tauros is a violent and rowdy Pokémon that easily gets angry, and it is not the first. On the contrary, it isn't even satisfied unless it is rampaging. Once Tauros starts charging, it is unable to stop until it hits something (Rhyhorn, anyone?). It locks horns with others of its kind to prove its strength, and the herd's protector will take pride in the battle scars, but this would not be the first case of rivalry among a certain species. Tauros also looks like a regular bull, but with three tails instead of just one. Okay, it uses those to whip itself in order to incite itself, but that is hardly something worth mentioning.

Now, this is an interesting take on Tauros. Pretty funny fan art.

So, what really defines Tauros is its competitive use, then? Well no, not really. Why, it cannot be denied that Tauros can be a good Pokémon, because its attack and speed are excellent and its defensive stats are pretty decent. Game Freak provided Tauros with three possible abilities, and all have their uses: Intimidate lowers the opponent's attack stat when Tauros is switched in, Anger Point maximizes Tauros's attack stat when it is hit by a critical hit (somewhat situational and kinda risky, but if you manage to pull it off, you're set), and its hidden ability Sheer Force removes additional effects of moves and strengthens those. If you want to go all-offensive, the latter might be the best option, especially if you consider Rock Climb. Tauros can only learn this STAB normal-type move in Diamond, Pearl and Platinum, but it's just a matter of transferring it to your current 3DS game (X, Y, ORAS) via Pokémon Black or White. Watch out, because Rock Climb only has 85% accuracy. Complete the set with the moves Zen Headbutt, Earthquake and Rock Slide, a Jolly nature and a held item (Life Orb, Choice Scarf, Choice Band, whatever), and you're ready to go. Tauros can learn Iron Head, Iron Tail, Wild Charge, Stone Edge and Outrage as well, but you probably won't need 'em.

Fan art of a surfing Tauros. And yes, for some reason, Tauros can learn Surf
in-game. I didn't even know bulls could swim? 

By the way, I'll have you know that I'm using Smogon as a backup for writing my recommendations, and I notice that it's common to use a Naive Tauros with either Flamethrower or Fire Blast. This is pretty silly though, because Tauros's special attack is absolutely atrocious and should not be used whatsoever, and if you ever need a fire-type move, there are a lot of special-based fire-type Pokémon that can pull it off a lot better than Tauros can.

Also, it might be an interesting thing for y'all to know that Tauros's name comes from Kentauros (ケンタロス), its Japanese name, which itself derives from the Greek κένταυρος, meaning 'centaur'. Centaurs are creatures with the upper body of a human and the lower body of a horse, which Tauros definitely isn't. It is based on ταυρος and taurus instead, Greek and Latin for 'bull', respectively. Additionally, Taurus and Centaurus are both large-sky constellations representing a bull and a centaur, respectively. Too bad Game Freak never did anything with its name origin... But, well, although I think Tauros is kind of an boring and unimaginative Pokémon, I don't hate the thing at all.

Rating: 3/5

#127: Pinsir

'Yo Masuda-san, I got a great idea.'

'I'm listening.'

'Let's make a bug-type Pokémon based on a stag beetle, the Prosopocoilus inclinatus, a popular beetle used in insect fighting.'

'Yeah?'

'Let's give it a variety of fighting-type moves also, but let's not make it a fighting type whatsoever. It's called Pinsir, a corruption of "pincer".'

'Sounds good, man.'

Pinsir and its nutty Trainer, who obviously wants to be a Pinsir
look-alike, with a pair of scissors to boot. 

This is approximately how the proposal interview for Pinsir's design at Game Freak must have gone. Okay, I might have exaggerated a bit, but my assumptions shouldn't be too far off the mark: in the first generation, Pinsir didn't learn anything but normal- and fighting type moves, and in the following two generations it was only capable of learning the weak Fury Cutter. Even today, its only viable move is X-Scissor; it can't even learn Megahorn, even though it has two big-ass horns on its head. Its monotonous learnset has only 'worsened' over time, as Pinsir started out with Seismic Toss and Submission and now has access to a complete arsenal of fighting-type moves such as Revenge, Vital Throw, Storm Throw, Brick Break, Superpower, Close Combat, Focus Punch and, for good measure, the special-based Focus Blast (which should unquestionably be avoided due to its subpar special attack). Game Freak even had the oppotunity to make Pinsir a bug/fighting type when they gave it a Mega evolution in X and Y, but instead went with the third most common dual typing in the whole goddamn game, bested only by normal/flying (23) and tying with grass/poison (14): bug/flying. Mega Pinsir isn't bad, but this 'new' typing made it gain two extra weaknesses, while intensifying its weakness to rock. However, its ability Aerilate makes up for its complete lack of flying-type moves, as it turns all normal-type moves into flying-type moves, effectively making moves like Return and Quick Attack actually super effective on a lot of Pokémon. Not too shabby.

Mega Pinsir.

At least this makes Mega Pinsir extremely useful in the competitive scene. It has amazing attack and defense, great speed, and even some moderate HP and special defense. These stats give it some durability during a battle, barring any switch-ins to Stealth Rock. Mega Pinsir's utility in the OU tier is pretty straightforward: a Jolly or Adamant nature with Close Combat, Return, Quick Attack and Swords Dance is the most common set, even though X-Scissor might not be a bad idea either. It even learns some neat coverage moves like Earthquake, Rock Slide, Stone Edge and Knock Off, if you want to slap any of these moves on it. And regular Pinsir, residing in the NU tier, isn't half bad. It comes equipped with three great abilities: Mold Breaker negates the effect of other abilities (e.g. Pinsir can hit Levitate Pokémon with ground-type moves, whereas they would otherwise be immune to them), Hyper Cutter prevents its attack from being lowered (handy!), and Moxie increases Pinsir's attack by one stage every time it blows an opponent out of the water. All three abilities have their uses and are completely fine for Pinsir, but it depends on the situation which one you'll need. The same goes for items: Life Orb increases Pinsir's moves but causes recoil damage, Choice Band raises its attack by 50% but locks it into using just one move until being switched out, Choice Scarf does the same for speed rather than attack, and Lum Berry lets it heal any status condition. And, not unimportant, avoid Return and Quick Attack on regular Pinsir; it doesn't benefit from these moves like Mega Pinsir does.

But... but... what's this now? It's very unusual I'm starting my entry with a Pokémon's competitive use. Normally I start by discussing a Pokémon's flavor, but I guess I'll have to do it right now. Oh, well...

This artist sure knows how to make Pinsir even more scary
than it already is. 

Pinsir has always been a bit of a strange Pokémon. For one thing, it is based on a popular stag beetle used in insect fighting, which embraces a wide range of competitive Asia-based spectator sports commonly associated with gambling, in which insects are pitted against each other. That is probably the reason for Pinsir's savagery: it uses the pincers on its head to crush, swing, toss, tear and bludgeon opponents, even if they are twice its weight. If it fails to crush its victim between its pincers, which hardly happens because the thorns on its horns are driven deeply into the foe's body until it is torn, it will swing it around and toss it hard. Its horns are even used to dig burrows for it to sleep in, shatter thick logs, and bludgeon foes. All of these characteristics make it even more evident that Pinsir should have gotten fighting as its secondary type in the first place. Game Freak compensated its lack of a secondary typing by adding Heracross in Gen. II, a bug/fighting type that can actually use quite some moves of its own typings, more than Pinsir can. It is superior to Pinsir in every way, but at least Pinsir is one of the original big bug things. Plus, it has to be said that Pinsir has greatly improved over the course of the last fifteen years, with a Mega evolution to boot (although this argument might be considered invalid, as even Heracross was so lucky to have gotten a Mega).

All in all, Pinsir is a great Pokémon, and I especially love its Mega, despite its unlucky typing and the fact that it disappointed me a little bit at first sight. I can't say I can give it a perfect rating, because Pinsir (and even its Mega) isn't perfect by any means, but a 4.5-star rating is absolutely nothing to sneeze at.

Rating: 4.5/5

#240, #126, #467: Magby, Magmar & Magmortar

Old art of Maby (left) versus Magby's current art (right). As you
can see, Magby does not have visible nostrils. 

Magby may look like an cute little critter, but you should be cautious around this thing, as its body temperature is an incredibly high 1,100°F because of a magma-like substance flowing through its body, and it can spit flames of around the same temperature. Even when it inhales and exhales, hot embers drip from its mouth and nostrils (which nostrils, though?). However, when it is fatigued, the temperature of the flames decreases and black smoke is mixed in with the flames. It is said to herald a volcanic eruption when large numbers of this Pokémon gather. Yes, I know Magby is a baby Pokémon, but it is one of four babies I'm actually not bothered with for a change, the other ones being Pichu, Tyrogue and Elekid (and I explained why in Electabuzz and Electivire's entry). Magby is just an adorable little fuck, and sometimes I'm just a sucker for cute Pokémon. In the entry that I previously mentioned, I also said that Electabuzz always appealed to me more than Magmar, Magby's evolution, but that is not the case anymore. I do think Magmar got a shitty evolution in Gen. IV, though, but I'll get to that later on.

Mamar's original official art on a TCG card. 

If anything, Magmar is hotter than Electabuzz. And I mean that quite literally: Magmar's body temperature is nearly 2,200°F, which is double Magby's temperature. Ash's Pokédex in the anime compares its body with a furnace, describing it as a living inferno. In fact, its Pokédex entry in Pokémon Silver states that the surface of its body gives off a wavering and rippling glare that is similar to the sun, and its breath can create heat waves that ignite surrounding grass and trees. But it is impossible to get close to the sun, so how are you supposed to get in the vicinity of a Magmar? I know that Pokémon are shown to control whatever special abilities they have, but this characteristic is being presented as if it's something Magmar cannot control. Anyway, you want more proof of Magmar's superiority? Well, Magmar is shown to block electric-type attacks with a wall of hot air in the anime, whereas Electabuzz cannot do such a thing with fire-type attacks. And, as if it wasn't already really obvious, Magmar lives in active volcanoes and whenever it gets injured, it can just dip its body in lava and heal its wounds that way. Like, instantly. It does dislike cold environments, though, as it gets dopey and sluggish (similar to a cold-blooded animal), which it solves by spewing flames to make the environment more suitable to its needs.

Fan art of Magmar getting ready to Fire Punch someone in the face.

Unfortunately, Magmar got an evolution in Diamond and Pearl. To keep up with the trend, Magmortar (it is a cool name, though) can reach even higher body temperatures and it even launches fireballs of over 3,600°F from its cannon-like arms. Its breath always sears and sizzles, and when blasting those goddamn fireballs away, its body takes on a whitish glow from the intense heat. All that sounds really awesome, but Magmortar's design is just too weird for me to actually like it. Its pink mouth, legs and back spikes look so out of sync with the red-and-yellow body it has, as well as Magby and Magmar's colors. Besides, its big main body is so disproportionate to the small size of its head and legs that it's just not funny. AND WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH ITS MOUTH? With that grin from ear to ear (literally, even though Magmortar does not have visible ears), it looks like the Joker from Batman, but not in a good way. I am constantly trying to like this thing, but every time I see it I'm like, 'Meh, this such a stupid evolution.'

Fan art of shiny Magby and Magmar.

And as I'm searching for info about its origin, I'm shaking my head over and over again. It just doesn't make sense to me. Magby and Magmar seem to be a combination between a duck and an iguana, especially given the fact that they have some features that can be traced back to iguanas, but they are most likely based on the Japanese Hindu-Buddhist myth of the karura, a divine creature with a human torso and a bird-like head that can breathe fire. Sounds familiar, right? Well, it's similar to how Electabuzz is most likely based on the oni, which is often depicted as an ugly horned ogre but is believed to be a divine creature that has control over thunder and lightning. With those cannons and large body size, Magmortar looks nothing like a karura anymore; it still has some iguana-like features for sure, but the bird-like traits have completely gone and I just think of it as a fire-blasting lizard. There is one thing I actually like about it, and that is its shiny form, even though Magmar has the exact same shiny coloration as Magmortar does. Instead of red and yellow, they are a dark and light pink color, which is actually kind of awesome (Magby's shiny coloration, on the other hand, is an unimpressive sickly orange).

Fan art of Magmortar about to wreck house. 

But both Magmar and Magmortar are viable competitively, at least that cannot be denied. Magmar benefits from the Eviolite, as it buffs up its defenses, so this item is recommended for sure. As regards its stats, Magmar possesses some really good attack and special attack, very decent speed, and some medicore defenses (hence I recommend the Eviolite). Its special attack is a little bit higher than its attack, but only by a small margin, so both are perfectly usable. If you want to focus on the special-based side of the attacking spectrum, I'd use a Timid Magmar with Fire Blast, Flamethrower, Psychic and Focus Blast, but it can even learn some nifty status moves like Confuse Ray, Will-O-Wisp, Substitute and Clear Smog (eliminates the opposing Pokémon's stat changes). As for physical attacks, it can learn moves like Fire Punch, Thunder Punch, Brick Break, Power-Up Punch, Cross Chop, Flare Blitz, Iron Tail, Focus Punch (works best in conjunction with Substitute), Mach Punch and Dual Chop. It gets an egg move that comes in handy when running a physical, Jolly-natured Magmar: Belly Drum, which halves its HP but maximizes its attack. It's risky, but if you can pull it off, you'll have a Magmar that hits like a truck. And if you want to mix things up move-wise, you can always slap a Hasty nature on Magmar; it'll let it have some more diversity at that as well.

Magmortar (right) and its electric-type counterpart Electivire (left).

Magmortar works completely differently, though: it loses some speed but gains a whole ton of special attack. Sadly, at base 95 its base physical attack remains the same as Magmar's, which renders it less useful than you'd think (although you can still use the Belly Drum trick to surprise opponents, but now with Earthquake and Rock Slide). In order to immediately let Magmortar hit the foe as hard as possible, it is recommended to max out its special attack with a beneficial nature, preferably Modest or Rash, and give it a Life Orb. It also has access to Thunderbolt, a powerful special-based electric-type move that Magmar doesn't get, so definitely use that. Want to create some bulk? Magmortar has some decent special defense and HP, so you could let it wear an Assault Vest while still doing massive damage due to its already-high special attack. Lastly, Magmar and Magmortar share the same ability with the Elekid line: Vital Spirit, which prevents them from falling asleep. Handy. Flame Body, which has a chance to burn the foe when they make direct contact with Magmortar, should usually be left alone, as it's inferior to Vital Spirit.

In the end, Magmar is a great Pokémon, design-wise and competitively, while its evolution Magmortar is not. Well, at least not design-wise. In fact, I like Magmar more than Electabuzz, but the latter got an awesome evolution in Gen. IV, whereas Magmar definitely did not. So, much like I did with Magneton and Magnezone, I am going to rate Magmar and Magmortar separately. I apologize to Magmortar fans, but I think Game Freak should have left Magmar alone, or at least given its evolution a better design.

Rating Magmar: 4.5/5

Rating Magmortar: 2.5/5