#328 - #330: Trapinch, Vibrava & Flygon

After the catastrophe that is called a Spinda, it is a relief to review a Pokémon I actually like to some extent. Flygon has been a fan favorite for a long time now, and everyone anticipated a glorious Mega to go with it in Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire. They were let down when it became clear upon release that there was no Mega Flygon to be found in the entire game because Ken Sugimori suffered from... artist's block. Yeah, Game Freak weren't able to come up with a decent design for Mega Flygon and so they had decided to let the idea go, even though they could've just taken a look at some fan-made art for inspiration.

Am I right or am I right?

Don't be deceived by Trapinch's adorable appearance: this thing
is a real predator.

Jests aside, Flygon has two pre-evolutions we need to look into. Trapinch is its basic stage and doesn't look like its evolutions Vibrava and Flygon at all, and that's because it's based on the larval stage of an antlion, winged insects whose larvae are known for their aggressive and fierce predatory habits. They create conical sandy pits to trap passing ants or other prey and are adorably called doodlebugs in North America sometimes, due to the strange marks they leave in the sand. The fact that the larvae are more aggressive than their winged adult forms may be the reason why Trapinch's attack is so high: it has base 100 physical attack - the highest of all Pokémon that can evolve twice - and absolutely terrible everything else. Vibrava even loses some base attack points before Flygon increases that amount to exactly 100 again. Trapinch's flavor is very much like the natural habits of an antlion larva, in that it builds its nest in a bowl-shaped pit dug in sand and waits there for its prey to stumble inside. Once inside, it is impossible for the trapped prey to escape the pit. Trapinch is a Pokémon that has shown a lot of strength and endurance, as it can go a whole week without having access to any water or food and its giant jaws are strong enough to crush even large boulders. The Japanese and the French even have funny names for this Pokémon to emphasize that characteristic: Nuckrar (ナックラー) is a contraction of 'nutcracker', while Kraknoix is from the French word thereof, craque-noix. Additionally, Nuckrar may also be a play on 'knucker', a type of folkloric dragon that lives in a hole; something that'll make sense once we take a look at Trapinch's evolutions.

Vibrava would have been perfect as Trapinch's final evolution,
so it's kind of a shame it evolves even further. 

Speaking of, Vibrava is probably the least interesting of this bunch flavor-wise, but it's my favorite design-wise. I don't know what it is that makes me like it so much, but I guess it's just a pleasant bug-like design for a Pokémon that isn't even a bug type. Trapinch and its evolutions are all primary ground types, but Vibrava and Flygon have the secondary dragon typing to boot. I wouldn't even have been surprised had they been bug/flying types, or even bug/dragon types, but even though there are four types that could easily be applied to this evolutionary line, a Pokémon can only have two types. So we're stuck with ground/dragon instead, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you consider dragonflies and antlions - the latter are often mistaken for the former - are actually just species of insect, but I'll let it slide (into the sand pit) for now; some species of dragonfly are actually called 'sand dragons' and this could account for Vibrava and Flygon's ground/dragon typing. Vibrava behaves much like a bug, at least, having underdeveloped wings with which it generates vibrations and ultrasonic waves that induce headaches in human beings. It makes its wings grow by dissolving large quantities of prey in its digestive juices and guzzle them down, which it does every day. If you think that is scary, you haven't seen Flygon's Pokédex entries: its wings make a 'singing' sound when they are flapped, earning Flygon the name of 'The Desert Spirit'. Any desert dwellers will think there are ghosts there, while it is actually a Flygon creating sandstorms with it wings in order to conceal itself. It fares well in sandstorms, actually, as the red, insectoid, goggle-like covers over its eyes prevent sand from getting into them.

Flygon in TCG art. 

While I don't think Flygon is as aesthetically pleasing as Vibrava (it has two weirdly drawn antenna-like appendages protruding from its head, as well as two ridiculously small claws and awkward feet), it is definitely better in the competitive scene. Earlier in this review I said that Vibrava loses some base attack points upon evolving from Trapinch and that Flyon gains these back. Well, Flygon is a physical attacker, although its base 80 special attack is good enough to be used for an occasional special move here and there. Because of its ground typing and Levitate ability, entry hazards won't hurt or disadvantage it (Spikes, Toxic Spikes, Sticky Web) or will do only negligible damage (Stealth Rock), whereas its stats allow it to take a couple of hits, although not too many. It's fast and strong, which enables it to run Choice sets, rocking a Choice Band or Choice Scarf in combination with moves like Earthquake, Outrage, Dragon Claw, U-Turn, Rock Slide, Stone Edge, Crunch, Superpower, Thunderpunch, Fire Punch and Iron Tail (and its movepool is evidence it should have been a bug type: it has access to Struggle Bug, Signal Beam, U-Turn, Bug Bite, Bug Buzz and Fury Cutter, whether or not through breeding or its pre-evolution Vibrava). Both kinds of sets allow you to run either an Adamant or a Jolly nature; an Adamant-natured Flygon works well with a Choice Band, although it is significantly slower than a Jolly-natured one with a Choice Scarf. You'll have to see what kind of EV distribution works best for you.

And, if you're really experienced in competitive battling, you might want to consider using Flygon as a support Pokémon: its entry hazard resilience makes it a perfect choice for a moveset that removes said entry hazards. Defog and Roost are must-haves, while it still needs something to attack with, preferably Earthquake and U-Turn - the latter to gain momentum if it needs to. Roost already heals half of its HP, but the Leftovers are used for a little recovery ever turn; it's not that much, but Flygon can last a couple of turns longer with this held item.

One of the better fan-made concepts for Mega Flygon, made by CoolShallow.

I don't think I like Flygon as much as should, it being a fan favorite and all, but I'm just not all that impressed by this Pokémon. I like Vibrava a little better, but not significantly enough to give it a separate rating. Therefore, the entire line will have to do with a 3.5-star rating, but a solid one at that: there is little chance this rating will be lowered or increased.

I like the other not-so-dragon-like Pokémon in Hoenn better than this one.

Rating: 3.5/5

#327: Spinda

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk.

Ugh, this misfit.

Not only is Spinda a downright hideous Pokémon, design-wise as well as stat-wise, it is also one of the most random ones. It doesn't seem to be serving any purpose in the games at all, aside from polluting the regional Pokédex from time to time (it was recently included in the Sun and Moon Dex; like, why?). Of course I am fully aware of the fact that not a single Spinda is the same; all have four spots located on their face and ears, but an algorithm in the game mechanics makes itso that not one pattern is the same. However, let's be honest here: is that really such an important feature? Nobody in their right mind would start collecting all the Spinda with different spot patterns, as a Spinda's spots are based on its personality value - a 32-bit number that can't be influenced by outside factors in any way - and a simplistic model would put the odds of finding two exact same Spinda at 1 in 4,294,967,295. That's a whole lot of Spinda with different spot patterns you'd have to collect, then. Searching for 20 different wing patterns (Vivillon) or 26 letters and 2 punctuation marks (Unown) is somewhat tedious already, even though it's manageable.

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk. 

In short, Spinda is nothing more than a useless, gimmicky Pokémon that should better be left alone by everyone. Having base 60 stats all across the board, it's just a terrible Pokémon to use in battles, even for playthrough purposes. It does have access to the hidden ability Contrary, which inverts any changes to its stat stages, meaning that a stat will be decreased if it is normally increased and vice versa. But, ehm... guess what? IT'S FUCKING USELESS ON THIS THING! In Pokémon Black and White, Game Freak were so kind to include a feature called the Dream World, in which you could find Pokémon with their hidden abilities and certain moves they could otherwise not learn. A Dream World Spinda had the move Superpower, a 120-power fighting-type move that lowers the user's attack and defense stats by one stage afterwards, but with Contrary these stats will be increased rather than decreased. The problem is that any one of Spinda's stats is abysmal, which means that it can't take hits, move first or hit hard, not even after one or two boosts from Superpower. Moreover, Spinda is a normal-type Pokémon, so Superpower isn't even a STAB move on it, which makes it kinda tricky to use at all. Should you be so brave to use a Contrary Spinda in the first place, you'd have to complete a moveset for it, which is surprisingly not very hard: it can learn Double-Edge, Trash, Brick Br... oh pardon me, it's Thrash, not Trash. Well, Spinda is trash, but I'm hardly saying anything that hasn't been said about this thing, am I right? Anyway, where was I again? Oh yeah, it has access to Brick Break, Rock Slide, Wild Charge, Psycho Cut, Drain Punch, Fire Punch, Ice Punch, Thunder Punch and Zen Headbutt.

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk.

That's a whole lot of type coverage for a Pokémon that doesn't deserve it, to be honest with you. I would recommend teaching it Double-Edge and Wild Charge, which both deal recoil damage. Rest assured it will wear Spinda down faster than a Gale Wings Talonflame can perform its first Brave Bird. To top it all off, a Life Orb exchanges 10% of its health every turn for a bit more power (for what it's worth), which certainly causes Spinda to go down even faster than your Mom can find lost objects. That way, you can switch into a Pokémon that can actually put in some work. Even better would be to not use this thing at all, but if you feel confident enough... why, by all means, go for it.

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk.

As for Spinda's origin, it is ostensibly based on a red panda. These animals also have their own unique facial markings, like Spinda does, although they're a heck of a lot cuter than Spinda is. Also, this Pokémon has the appearance of constantly being drunk, which looks stupid but apparently serves a purpose: the dizzying and confusing dance-like movements it makes are used to confuse its opponents and make it difficult for them to aim at it. Fortunately for you, the game mechanics allow you to body Spinda real quick-like with a super-effective Brick Break, unless one of those things has the Tangled Feet ability and is confused. And that hardly ever happens, thank God. Spinda is such a dumb and terrible Pokémon in every aspect, and I actually carry quite the aversion to it, especially because it appears to be in a continuous state of drunkenness. Such a message you're sending out there, Game Freak.

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk.

P.S.: Definitely check out this X & Y moveset recommendation for Spinda on Smogon. I laughed my fucking ass off at least a hundred times when I read it.

Rating: 1/5

#325 - #326: Spoink & Grumpig

TCG art of Spoink. 

The next Pokémon has such a miserable and pitiful vital function that we might as well put it out of its misery as quickly as possible. Spoink is a pig-like psychic-type Pokémon with no hind legs at all; instead, it is constantly bouncing on its coily tail to keep its heart pumping. Its Pokédex entries mention that it dies the moment it stops bouncing, although it has often been seen keeping still in the anime series. Even the lore about Spoink's pearl carries a little bit of inconsistency with it. It's not about the fact that the pearl on its head - which is produced by Clamperl, by the way - is used to magnify Spoink's psychokinetic powers or that it is always on a constant search for a bigger pearl, often easily mistaking other round objects for its precious pearl. It's not even about the fact that Clamperl's face is found on the pink, pearl-like object situated in the middle of its shell; its Pokédex entries explicitly state that one Clamperl produces only a single pearl during its lifetime, and that is when its body becomes too large to fit in its rock-hard shell and the Pokémon is on the verge of evolving. No, it's a tiny detail that is found in Spoink and Clamperl's shinies: shiny Spoink's pearl is gray, whereas shiny Clamperl's pearl-like body is a vague gold color. It's a detail of little importance, really, and I'm a bit annoyed by the fact that I'm annoyed by such trivialities, but I couldn't help but notice it when I looked at the shinies of both these Pokémon.

TCG art of Grumpig. Because there honestly isn't all that much
interesting fan art of this Pokémon to be found on Google Images.

Aside from the fact that I'm not a pig fan of onomatopoeia in Pokémon names (man, is that pun bad or what?), I like Spoink a little less now that I know that the inspiration for this Pokémon is most likely based on a biblical phrase. I am an atheist and I don't know shit about biblical stuff, nor am I even remotely interested in that kind of bullcrap; so correct me if I'm wrong, but the phrase "...neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." is part of a verse from the seventh chapter of the Book of Matthew and more or less means that you shouldn't waste something precious on people that can't or won't appreciate it. I bet the few religious people I've met felt the same way about me when I gave them the cold shoulder after they tried to shove their religion in my face - and trust me, that has happened to me at least twice. But however much a swine I may be, this little piggy called Spoink (one of the ugliest Pokémon names in existence, i.m.o.) absolutely adores its pearl and even gets weaker when it's not holding on to it. That one big pearl splits into three small black ones upon evolving into Grumpig, though, maybe to emphasize that the manner in which they enhance its psychic powers is much more sinister now: Grumpig can control and manipulate Pokémon and people at will, and when it does so, it performs an odd dance that became hugely popular overseas - and with that Game Freak mean outside of Hoenn, I assume.

This is some pretty awesome fan art of Grumpig. 

Surprisingly, Grumpig doesn't quite make an impact in the competitive metagame. There are a couple of sets that are highly effective on this Pokémon, but its usage is pretty straightforward: it is usually put on a team as a specially bulky special attacker. It's got an amazing base special defense stat of 110 and some beefy HP to back it up, but its defense ain't worth shit, which leaves it vulnerable to physical attacks. If supported by a Calm nature and the Thick Fat ability, which gives Grumpig resistances to fire- and ice-type moves, this Pokémon should be able to tank a couple of special hits that come its way, though. A Timid or Modest nature for more speed or power, respectively, should do the trick as well, but don't even consider breeding Own Tempo or Gluttony onto this thing, because an immunity to being confused or the early use of a berry are side effects that aren't all that useful in Grumpig's case. For instance, Grumpig won't be holding a berry; instead, you should make it hold the Leftovers to gain a little bit of health back every turn, as it lacks any reliable recovery moves. And if you're really scared of your Grumpiggy getting hit by a dark-type move, you can give it a Colbur Berry, which halves the power of an incoming super-effective dark-type move. But Grumpig can't do anything in return without rocking a good moveset itself. One tactic is to let it set up a Substitute and use Calm Mind from there on, building up some strength and bulk before it can attack with moves like Psychic, Psyshock, Focus Blast, Power Gem, Energy Ball, Shadow Ball and Signal Beam, while it can also paralyze foes with Thunder Wave and stall an opposing Pokémon with a Toxic/Protect combo. And as Grumpig can take a special hit in the first place, you might want to consider breeding Mirror Coat onto it, which has negative priority but does double the damage if Grumpig is hit by a special move.

I never realized that Grumpig could be so malicious. Look at this GIF and tell me
that this motherfucker does not look evil. 

I actually really like Grumpig. I used one in an Omega Ruby playthrough and I have to say it was one of the best members of my team, especially considering the fact that it has such good type coverage. At base 80 it isn't exactly slow, either, so most of the time it went first and dished out a lot of damage due to its Mild nature. It's too bad this whole pearl thing just had to be a reference to the goddamn Bible and that its flavor is a little bland compared to Spoink's, but I like the dark turn Game Freak have taken with it. It's still a more interesting and pleasing Pokémon than Spoink design-wise and I have to say I've grown attached to it quite a bit.

Also, it's purple.

Rating: 4.5/5

#324: Torkoal

Official art of Torkoal by none other than Ken Sugimori. 

Up next we have one of those unpopular low-tier Pokémon I personally don't have any problems with. Torkoal is a fire-type tortoise with mediocre stats and isn't used much in competitive play at all, but its flavor makes for a hilarious Pokémon all around. This Pokémon basically acts like a furnace or a kitchen stove, looking for coal in the mountains it lives in and then using this coal to fill up the red-colored, hollow spaces in its shell to burn it for energy. Torkoal burns more coal when it is preparing for battle, but when it is suddenly attacked, it belches thick black soot and flees the scene - which, by the way, makes me think Torkoal is a serious contributor to environmental pollution. The funniest part is the noise it makes when it blows out smoke from its nostrils and the top of its shell: it sounds like a locomotive horn. Huh. I hope the boogers stay in its nose, though. Anyway, Torkoal grows weaker when the fire burning within its shell dies down, but Pokémon Moon made the entire situation much more lurid by stating it will die instead and that Trainers who wish to raise it must always keep something flammable at hand. Then again, Sun and Moon made pretty much everything way more lurid, so I am under the impression that the sick motherfuckers at Nintendo and Game Freak just wanted to go all out by rewriting the Pokédex entries for old Pokémon and making them more sinister. Because (sarcasm alert!) the little kids won't end up with a trauma at all, y'know; they'll be totally fine!

A more realistic take on Torkoal. The only difference is that the
smoke emanating from its back and nostrils looks kind of noxious. 

Seriously, though, I am totally fine with these new personality traits; they're just fresh takes on the Pokémon we've come to be on very familar terms with. On top of that, Game Freak have given Torkoal a significant boost in Pokémon Sun and Moon: it now has access to the Drought ability, which conjures up the sun and subsequently boosts all of Torkoal's fire-type moves - and the opponent's as well, for that matter. However, I doubt many Pokémon can take a sun-boosted Eruption to the face, especially when it is used after Trick Room, which makes slower Pokémon go first and faster Pokémon go last. Torkoal can't learn it, so you'll need another Pokémon to set it up instead, but after this move is in effect, Torkoal can wreck house; with its base 20 speed, it should be slow enough to move first (I never thought I'd ever use these words in this precise order). With the correct IVs, EV distribution and nature - Quiet, of course! - and a Charcoal for it to hold, I'm sure Torkoal will prove to be useful to you, even though its special attack stat is 'only' a base 85. At least it has the coverage to assault many Pokémon that come its way: Eruption is now a staple in any Torkoal's moveset, whereas Heat Wave, Lava Plume and Flamethrower provide for great or decent enough STAB moves. It also learns Solar Beam, which normally requires a turn to charge up but is immediately carried out when the sun is up, while Sludge Bomb can be used against fairy-type Pokémon and Hidden Power Ice is quad effective against the likes of Salamence, Garchomp and Alolan Exeggutor, to name a few.

Don't beat your brains out about how to use a Torkoal with one of the other two abilities it might have, though. White Smoke prevents any stat reduction on Torkoal, but you can just switch out to another Pokémon when one of its stats becomes too low. Its hidden ability is Shell Armor, which prevents the opposing Pokémon to land a critical hit on the owner of that ability, but Torkoal can live a hit due to its excellent base 140 defense, anyway. It really needs the power from Drought, so I'd recommend going with that.

This image from the TCG gives a better view of the furnace-like shell on Torkoal's
back.

People who watch the anime may remember Ash's Torkoal, who decided to join Ash after he saved it from a couple of steel-type Pokémon (dammit, Torkoal, are you a fire type or what?). I stopped religiously watching the anime after the Johto saga, but I've seen quite a few Hoenn episodes and I don't remember this Torkoal at all. Maybe this Pokémon is somewhat forgettable, so it's a good thing it got some attention in the new games. Torkoal isn't special by any means, but in my opinion it isn't quite uninteresting, either. Four stars should do it, I reckon.

Rating: 4/5

#322 - #323: Numel & Camerupt

Y'know, I feel like Hoenn introduced too big a batch of Pokémon and that Gen. III is just a drag at the moment, even though I know full well I am not posting reviews at regular intervals and even took a month-long hiatus near the end of November 2016 so I could play Pokémon Sun and Moon and enjoy them to the fullest. Not that it has anything to do with today's Pokémon, but this sluggish pace is getting the better of me a bit and I want to review my favorite Pokémon already. This is not a complaint, really; I thoroughly enjoy writing articles like these, but I hope Gen. III comes to an end soon.

This Numel doesn't quite have the dumb look on its face, but I
didn't just want to post an image of its official art; that'd be boring.

Speaking of sluggish, today I'm going to discuss some Pokémon that aren't very fast-paced, either. Numel is a small quadruped most likely based on a dromedary camel, but with a stupid expession on its face that is often associated with cows. Located on its back is a volcano-like hump containing boiling magma of almost 2,200°F (how did anyone measure that, anyway?) that hardens and becomes heavier when it is cooled in water and makes Numel slow down (no shit, it has a quadruple weakness to this element because of its fire/ground typing). Numel is a surprisingly strong Pokémon who has served humans for years with its ability to carry heavy loads up to 220 pounds, but it is so dim-witted that it doesn't even notice when it is stuck - or struck, for that matter. But whereas Numel is dull-witted, Camerupt is prone to losing its temper quickly; when it is enraged, the two volcano-like bone structures on its back (yeah, those humps consist of transformed bone, not rock - Camerupt isn't a rock type, after all) erupt, spewing molten lava of almost 18,000°F, even though its Emerald, HGSS, B2W2 and X Pokédex entries mention that the volcanoes erupt violently every 10 years and that research is still carried out to find the cause of this occurrence.

Ahhh, what would Pokémon be without a little bit of inconsistency?

Maxie (left) and Courtney (right) chillin' on the back of his
Camerupt, while a little Numel is tugging at Tabitha's garment. 

Other than that, though, can Camerupt hold its own in the competitive scene? It has the same base stat total as Sharpedo, is Team Magma's Maxie's ace as opposed to Sharpedo being Team Aqua's Archie's ace, and like Sharpedo it was blessed with a Mega in Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire. In itself, Camerupt is very strong - it has base 100 attack and 105 special attack - and moderately bulky, although its defensive stats aren't really anything to write home about, either. The only real downside is its speed, so it doesn't even matter that it becomes even slower when it Mega-evolves, all in exchange for more power and bulk. It'll never hit first anyway, and you might need that attack stat (Mega Camerupt has 120 attack and 145 special attack all of a sudden), so you'd do best to run a Quiet nature - or a Brave nature if you want more physical power than special power. It is an excellent mixed attacker, as it's perfectly capable of running moves like Earthquake, Iron Head and Rock Slide alongside Fire Blast, Earth Power, Flamethrower, Lava Plume, Flash Cannon, Ancient Power and even Solar Beam (on a sun team); and on top of that, moves with additional effects are boosted by its ability Sheer Force. Want more of a tank? Invest in HP EVs and give it the moves Will-O-Wisp and Stealth Rock, so that it can burn foes and hurt opposing Pokémon a little - or a lot, depending on whether or not a foe has a rock-type weakness - every time they enter the battlefield, respectively. And regular Camerupt? This Pokémon resides in PU, the lowest of Smogon's competitive tiers for fully evolved Pokémon, but the strategy stays largely the same: use Camerupt as either a special attacker with a Life Orb or the Choice Specs as a held item - to boost its moves with - or a tank holding the Leftovers for a little bit of recovery every turn.

This is actually a nice piece of fan art of a Numel snuggling up
to Mega Camerupt. Keep in mind that this Mega Camerupt looks
different and more timid than the one in its official art by Ken
Sugimori.

As for my own opinion of Camerupt... I don't think it looks like a Bactrian camel exactly. Sure, the two humps on its back indicate that it is based on these animals, but camels have elongated necks and usually stand much higher on their feet than Camerupt does. If anything, this Pokémon looks much more bovine, with features specifically related to musk oxen, an animal with the same build and shaggy fur as Camerupt. The only difference is that the musk ox is an Arctic mammal, which Camerupt is obviously not, but maybe that was entirely intentional on Game Freak's part - even though I think I'm giving them way too much credit here. My main problem is Camerupt's Mega form, though. Whereas I mostly think the Mega of a certain Pokémon is a major improvement compared to its regular form, that is unfortunately not the case with Camerupt. Its Mega looks so... off. Its shaggy fur gives its body a much too corpulent look, the legs are too short in proportion to its body, and I actually kinda dislike that stupid grin on its face. Game Freak made its design look more goofy, awkward and, most of all, evil. It looks like it's up to no good, and that's not what Mega Camerupt is about; it has an explosive personality and a chronically short temper, which is why the full-fledged volcano on its back (which is actually the only cool part of its design) constantly erupts, but that's about it. I'll gladly give Camerupt four stars, but that's excluding the Mega. Mega evolution is optional, so it is not required to let Camerupt Mea-evolve, and should you decide to use one after all, it reverts back to what it was after the battle, anyway.

P.S.: Can somebody explain to me what purpose those blue rings on the side of Camerupt's body serve? They don't fit its design at all...

Rating: 4/5

#320 - #321: Wailmer & Wailord

Damn. It's not often I'm putting out reviews three days in a row, so don't get too used to this. It's just that I'm living in one of the southern provinces of the Netherlands, where they're celebrating this idiotic annual thing called carnaval - 'our' version of events before Lent and generally speaking just a lame excuse for dumb people to dress up Halloween style, attend stupid float parades and get drunk, all while singing terrible and cringeworthy carnaval songs. Most people celebrating it aren't even devout Christians in the first place; for them it's just a reason to party hard five days in a fucking row. Me? I'm frantically trying to avoid it until it comes to an end tomorrow, so that's why I'm hiding in my cave writing reviews about video game monsters instead of socializing. I have no life whatsoever.

Brendan traveling underwater on a Wailmer. 

Well, at least I can catch up a little now and we've bumped into one of my favorite Hoenn Pokémon sooner than I had expected. I guess that's the case because Wailmer can be caught with a Good Rod - which you can get from a Fisherman on the immediately accessible part of Route 118 next to Mauville City - fairly early on in your Ruby/Sapphire playthrough. Honestly, I don't even care all that much about Wailmer; it's a perfectly round whale with a perfectly stupid grin on its face. The teeth aren't even real teeth; they're baleen (or whalebone) plates and serve as a filter-feeder system inside the mouth of baleen whales. The system works by a whale opening its mouth underwater and taking in water, after which the whale pushes the water out and animals such as krill and plankton are filtered by the baleen and remain as a food source for the whale. That doesn't seem to be working for Wailmer at all, because this Pokémon likes to store seawater in its body and the more water filling it, the higher it can bounce. You'd think it'd bounce better when it doesn't have so much water in its body, because Wailmer is taller than an average human being and therefore relatively heavy (almost 287 pounds), but this doesn't seem to be the case at all. It likes to be a bouncing ball, too, because it is often found on beaches playing with other people and even startling them by suddenly spouting water from its nostrils slash blowholes - I'm not even sure which one it is, because all kinds of sources, including its official Pokédex entries, seem to use these two interchangably.

Gym Leader Marlon's Wailord, with Marlon and Ash standing
right on top of it.

Whereas Wailmer likes to be a jerk, though, Wailord likes to entertain people by leaping out of the water, thereby creating gigantic and breathtaking pillars of water. It does so when it searches for food and chases it, which it does in groups called pods, and one specimen can gulp down an entire school of Wishiwashi whole. Well, even the biggest Pokémon of all has to eat, right? That's right, at an enormous 47'07", Wailord has been the tallest Pokémon since it was introduced in Gen. III. Up to this day, not a single Pokémon came even remotely close to Wailord; at a height of 35'09", Alolan Exeggutor made a brave attempt this generation, exceeding Mega Rayquaza's height (35'05") by only a small margin. If you really want to see an image for scale, take a look at the image directly above and argue with me that Wailord isn't huge. I dare you. Surprisingly enough, this big boy is relatively light, weighing 'only' 877 pounds, which is much less than certain other Pokémon that aren't quite as tall as Wailord. Then again, there's no way Wailord are taller or heavier than the animals it was inspired by, blue whales - the largest and heaviest known animals to ever exist on this planet. That would have been way too complicated. Just saying.

Also, I shouldn't have expected Wailord to be so heavy, after all, as it is known as the 'Float Whale Pokémon'. That does not indicate that it's a heavyweight at all, right? In fact, it only enhances the thought that Wailord may be based on a blimp of some sort, or maybe a torpedo (man, Game Freak had a thing with torpedoes in Gen. III; this is the second Pokémon in a row that is based or may be based on such a thing).

Wailord swallowing ocean water like it's nobody's business.
This image contains TCG art from the Diamond and Pearl era.

But can this blimp (torpedo?) hold its own in the competitive scene? Well... not exactly. Despite its base stat total of 500, of which 170 go to its HP, it sits in Smogon's PU tier, the lowest tier with fully evolved Pokémon. That massive HP stat seems nice, but its defenses are a base 45 each and don't really complement it. On top of that, Wailord is quite slow and its attacking stats are 'only' a base 90 each, which isn't very strong. I used a physical-based Wailord in my Omega Ruby playthrough myself - Waterfall, Bounce, Heavy Slam and Earthquake proved to be as effective a moveset as any - but that won't quite cut it here. It's best to let it set up an Aqua Ring (very effective when Wailord is holding the Leftovers), after which it can PP-stall by setting up a Substitute or preventing any damage at all by using Protect. Further helping your tactic of PP-stalling is Wailord's hidden ability Pressure, which deducts one additional PP every time Wailord is targeted by the foe. Water Veil prevents burns, which isn't necessary, and Oblivious prevents confusion, which is even less necessary, so Pressure really is the best ability to go for. The only thing is the EV spread. It's up to you whether you want to max out Wailord's HP, but as its HP is massive already and its defenses do need quite the boost, I'd max out its defense and special defense stats - a Bold or Calm nature would go really well with that - and put the remaining four EVs in special attack so that it can hit slightly harder with Scald. This move may inflict a burn on the foe, by the way, further whittling it down, and it's Wailord's main source of direct damage, so definitely keep it around.

Wailord as seen in Super Smash Bros.

I didn't come to love Wailord until I used one in my before-mentioned Omega Ruby playthrough, and I still don't understand why I didn't like it before. It has a simple but effective design and flavor, and the fact that it is still the biggest Pokémon in existence actually makes a lot of sense and really adds up to its whole concept. Game Freak didn't go overboard with this one - in fact, they even toned it down for once. And that's a positive thing, I can tell you that much.

Rating: 5/5

#318 - #319: Carvanha & Sharpedo

Nice fan art of Carvanha. The only thing that's off is the Mario
star on its belly, which really should be a four-pointed star... with
no eyes whatsoever. 

Today we have a couple of more interesting Pokémon than last time, that's for sure. Carvanha is - surprise! - based on a piranha (or piraña, if you will) and, as expected from a fish with teeth, it has strongly developed jaws that can even chew through solid steel and rip up boat hulls. It even actively attacks boats and ships in swarms and lets them sink when they're entering its territory, and they rush to attack en masse if they scent the faintest trace of blood, but it turns suddenly timid and cowardly when it's on its own.

Sure thing, Carvanha. Sure thing.

One curious thing about Carvanha is that it seems to be a freshwater fish rather than a saltwater fish, but I honestly shouldn't be so surprised in the first place, because I actually know that piranhas are freshwater fish inabiting rivers throughout South America. It's probably the fact that Carvanha, a piranha Pokémon, evolves into Sharpedo, a shark Pokémon. And sharks are saltwater fish, as dozens of different species can in fact be found in oceans throughout the globe. In Pokémon anything is possible; I mean, we've had a swine turning into a mammoth, a remora fish turning into an octopus, a waterstrider turning into a mosquito of some sort and a gull turning into a pelican (whoever came up with that should be fired by Game Freak immediately)... so why not a piranha turning into a shark, right? At least it sounds pretty badass, doesn't it?

Archie and his Sharpedo, his signature Pokémon.

Well... yeah? I mean, Sharpedo looks kinda rad, but its flat rear - even though I know full well that Sharpedo's general body shape is that of a torpedo - looks kind of weird, as if its nonexistent tail was cut off abruptly. The main thing I like about Sharpedo is that it has an incredibly battered appearance, with notches cut into its dorsal and pelvic fins and a couple of yellow markings that are supposed to represent scars. I'm not surprised it looks like that, as it is a brutal Pokémon that can chew through iron and steel and destroy supertankers, tearing them into pieces. As such, it is known as the "Bully of the Sea" - or "Gangs of the Sea" when multiple Sharpedo have flocked together - and it is highly feared among mariners. But if that's what seamen are truly afraid of, it is time for them to piss their pants, because Sharpedo has a Mega evolution that looks much scarier than its regular form: its jaws look terrifying, it has yellow markings all over its body now, and it has three pairs of retractable sawblades on its snout that are actually transformed fangs. On top of that, it can now exceed 125 miles per hour with explosive propulsion, compared to the 75 to 80 miles regular Sharpedo can reach by jetting seawater out of its backside.

Official art of Mega Sharpedo, created by Ken Sugimori.

But can Sharpedo live up to its reputation in the competitive scene? Absolutely. It's incredibly frail, but it hits hard and it is relatively fast, especially after a boost from its hidden ability Speed Boost. Rough Skin, its regular ability, damages any foe that makes direct contact with Sharpedo, but it only works when you're feeling super confident and want to run it in combination with a Rocky Helmet for Sharpedo to hold. (Fun fact: Sharpedo's Japanese name is Samehader (サメハダー) and is derived from same, meaning 'shark', and hada-are, which means 'rough skin'. Additionally, samehada means 'shark skin' and Sharpedo's Japanese name might be a corruption of that as well.) It is more of a hit-and-run Pokémon, to be honest, and you'd do better to run Speed Boost in order for you to click Protect and get a free... well, speed boost. After that you can Mega-evolve your Sharpedo and perform a (late-game) sweep with moves like Crunch, Waterfall and Psychic Fangs, although it has access to more coverage moves like Ice Fang, Rock Tomb, Earthquake and Poison Jab. Mega Sharpedo standardly has the ability Strong Jaw, which increases the power of biting moves such as Crunch, Ice Fang and Psychic Fangs and allows it to hit even harder than any other Pokémon normally would. Because of the boost from its hidden ability, Sharpedo can run an Adamant nature over a Jolly one for maximum damage output, too.

A realistic take on Sharpedo.

While Sharpedo is not a favorite of mine, I cannot deny that this Pokémon - its Mega in particular - is pretty dope. I wish I could say its water/dark typing is unique, but Crawdaunt is a Pokémon with the exact same typing as Sharpedo that was introduced in the very same generation (I will discuss Corphish and Crawdaunt probably later next month or early April), and I don't think Sharpedo is any more competitively viable than Crawdaunt, either. Just because of plain badassery, Sharpedo gets a 4.5-star rating, just half a star short of a perfect rating. If only its flat rear didn't make me feel this Pokémon is missing something...

Rating: 4.5/5