#380 - #381: Latias & Latios

Latias (left) and Latios (right) as they appear in the manga
series.

I seriously considered rating Latias and Latios separately, but like with Plusle and Minun, they don't differ an awful lot from each other: they're both known as the 'Eon Pokémon', their stats are practically the same aside from some minor differences, their Mega evolutions look almost exactly the same, both only have one possible gender (Latias is female, while Latios can only be male), and they're each other's version counterparts. Heck, even their characteristics aren't that much different if I have to believe their Super Smash Bros. flavor texts. Both Latias and Latios become super aerodynamic when tucking their arms in, allowing them to fly faster than fighter jets; both use telepathy to communicate with others and detect their locations, emotions and intentions; both use the light-bending trait of their glass-like down coats to make themselves invisible when sensing the presence of a human or an enemy, as they tend to be pacifists; and both are intelligent beings that can understand human speech, even though this applies to all Pokémon to some extent. The only difference is that Latias is a delicate little snowflake sometimes (which is by no means meant to be derogatory on my part), as it is prone to crying shrilly to scare off foes when it experiences hostility towards it, while Latios has the ability to make its foe see an image of what it has seen or imagines in its head.

Some nice-ass piece of fan art.

In fact, it is able to share what it's seeing with Latias as well as with other Pokémon and humans, while Latias is able to share what Latios is seeing with other beings as well. This was only demonstrated in the fifth movie Pokémon Heroes: Latios & Latias, but I thought it was still worth mentioning. Also worth mentioning is the plot of this very movie, in which the Soul Dew, a special jewel that houses the soul of Latias and Latios's ancestor who once saved the city of Alto Mare from an evil Trainer, is sought by a female Team Rocket duo of Annie and Oakley - whose names are totally not a reference to the American exhibition sharpshooter Annie Oakley, by the way. Like, at all. In any case, the Soul Dew acts as a key for activating the Defense Mechanism of Alto Mare - or DMA for short - and once Annie and Oakley manage to get hold of the jewel and capture Latios, using both to control the DMA, they revive the fossils of the evil Trainer's Kabutops and Aerodactyl in order for them to find Latias. Aside from the fact that they look as undead as the rotten walker in the well on Hershel's farm (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little), the big chase that ensues through the canals of Venice - pardon me, Alto Mare - fails for Team Rocket, and Ash and his friends manage to free Latios from a DMA gone berserk. They also obtain the Soul Dew, but the damn thing turns black and vanishes the moment Annie tries to take it back. The waters of Alto Mare become one giant tsunami, which Latias and Latios try to stop with their psychic powers, but Latios is already weakened and it makes the ultimate sacrifice in order to save Latias and the rest of the city, becoming a new Soul Dew and the guardian of Alto Mare once the tsunami dies down.

Latios (right) reaching out to Latias (left) seconds before its death in Pokémon
Heroes: Latios & Latias.

If I included a poll with the saddest deaths in Pokémon, I have no doubt Latios's death would get the most votes. Maybe I'm callous, but I never cried when I saw this movie. I don't easily cry in the first place; you could show me the most tragic love story of all time and I still wouldn't bawl my eyes out, and I honestly think a movie is not worth spilling your tears over. Especially not an animated movie, since it's all... you know, fake.

Finally, Latios's Pokédex entry mentions that it only shows itself before and opens its heart to Trainers with a compassionate spirit, which brings us to Ash Ketchum. You can say what you want about him; he may be dense and highly incompetent at times, but he deeply cares about his Pokémon and always considers them his friends rather than straight-up battle tools, which is very commendable.

Mega Latios (left) and Mega Latias (right). Blue and red make
purple, so I guess these Megas aren't entirely illogical, but I still
think they're dumb and I tremendously dislike them. Ken
Sugimori must have really had an artist's block when he drew
these, goddamn. Literally the only way to distinguish these
Megas are the color of their eyes, otherwise they're basically the
same Pokémon. 

In the games, however, that's exactly what Latias and Latios are: battle tools. Earlier on in this post I've mentioned their similar stats, both having decent base 80 HP and excellent 110 speed. With base 80 attack, 90 defense, 110 special attack and 130 special defense, Latias tends to be more defensive than offensive, while Latios's attack and defense as well as its special attack and special defense are switched around. Despite that, both Latis are primarily used offensively, although Latias tends to be used more as an offensive support Pokémon with moves like Reflect Type, Defog, Healing Wish and Thunder Wave (not necessarily all of them on one particular moveset) along with a couple of offensive moves. However, its Mega allows it to go completely berserk, as its special attack and special defense are now a solid base 140 and 150, respectively, and Calm Mind boosts each of these stats by one stage every time it is used. Set up once or twice and go all out, that's my advice. That goes especially for Mega Latios, whose special attack is now 160 and becomes as destructive and indestructible as Mega Latias once it's set up. But not only does Mega Latios hit harder than Mega Latias, regular Latios is also stronger than regular Latias, and at exactly the same speed as well. That is why many people like to rock out with a regular Latios holding something else than a Mega Stone, such as a Choice Scarf, Life Orb, Soul Dew (yes, this is also an in-game item; it boosts Latias and Latios's special attack and special defense by 50%, but it was banned from regular tiers and now it can only be used in the Uber tier) or the Choice Specs.

Latias and Latios soaring under a starry sky. Beautiful fan art, i.m.o. 

You don't even have to worry about what ability you want, because both the regular and the Mega Latis come with Levitate, which gives them an immunity to all ground-type moves. Their nature should be Timid at all times, so that you can outspeed a good portion of the metagame, although a Modest nature could be run on Latios - Mega or no - to add a little bit more oomph to its attacking moves. And while there are a couple of differences in the level-up movepools of both Latias and Latios (Latias gets Healing Wish instead of Memento, Guard Split rather than Power Split, Mist Ball instead of Luster Purge, Charm in lieu of Dragon Dance, etc.), they basically learn the same offensive moves: Psychic, Draco Meteor, Psyshock, Surf, Ice Beam, Dragon Pulse, Thunderbolt, Hidden Power, Shadow Ball, Energy Ball... you name it. In short, there's no shortage of coverage moves to choose from - or healing moves, for that matter, because they can both learn Roost and Recover. Having both on the same moveset is of course redundant, but it's a nice thing you have a choice.

Latias and Latios racing across the water with the city skyline behind them. 

Aside from their Megas, though, there is one thing I don't partcularly like about them, which is their religious origin. Latias and Latios are based upon the aeons in Gnosticism, immaterial beings of concepts existing in pairs of males and females emanated from God and one another, hence their classification as the 'Eon Pokémon'. That's... fine, I guess? I don't believe in God and I don't think I entirely understand the concept of aeons, so that makes Latias and Latios's origin story a bit more confusing to me. I guess it could be a nice concept for someone who's into this nonsense, but I guess I'm going to rate Latias and Latios based on their designs and competitive utility, which are more than okay. I can't say either belongs on my favorites list, but at least neither will miss out on a good rating.

Rating: 4/5

#379: Registeel

This is one way to make Registeel look alien. Nice job.

You'd probably think that I, as a huge fan of steel types, would consider Registeel the best and most interesting Regi, but nothing could be further from the truth: I actually think Registeel is quite bland and boring. However, it has to be said that it has a relatively smooth design compared to the other Regi things, and that has everything to do with the fact that Registeel's body has been tempered by underground pressure for thousands of years. It was made of a material that is sturdier than any metal known to mankind, is able to stretch and shrink despite its hardness, cannot be scratched or damaged in any way, and is thought to be a curious substance that is nowhere to be found on Earth. On top of that, Registeel apparently has a hollow body and it has never been seen eating, so it's a mystery to modern scientists what this Pokémon consumes exactly. Unlike with Regirock and Regice, Game Freak are keeping us in the dark about the source material of Registeel's body; the thing is just that I love Regirock's imperfectly craggy design and Regice's badass flavor, so I don't see why Registeel should get more love than its... siblings, I guess? Can you even call them siblings? Does that make Regigigas their Daddy?

Hell, who cares?

What's more, in the non-English European versions of Diamond and Pearl, Reisteel's sprite was edited due to the position of its arm resembling a Nazi salute. The sprite was changed for all regions from Pokémon Platinum onwards, but it had already caused quite the controversy by then.

Registeel doing... something with magnetism, even though
there's nothing in its flavor that indicates it is capable of messing
around with that? Then again, it's a steel-type legendary, so it's
probably capable of doing stuff we had no idea it could do in the
first place.

In Registeel's defense, though, it is probably a lot better competitively. While its base 80 HP stat and base 150 defenses provide it incredible bulk, its very mediocre offensive presence means it may have to rely on Seismic Toss for dealing damage, which can only be learned via a Move Tutor in FireRed, LeafGreen and Emerald. If you are not willing to go out of your way to transfer your Registeel from Ruby or Sapphire to FireRed or LeafGreen, teach it Seismic Toss there and let it travel through three different generations (excluding Gen. VI, because the Poké Transporter just stores your Pokémon from Black and White in a box in Pokémon Bank, which is compatibe with Sun and Moon), a STAB move like Iron Head or Flash Cannon is probably a much better option. In any case, Registeel is most commonly used for Toxic stalling and setting up Stealth Rock, so those moves along with Protect ensure a solid but uninspired moveset. It's proved to be an effective moveset as any, and Registeel is probably better at it than certain other Pokémon, so there is absolutely no reason to sulk over that. You could even stir things up with Thunder Wave instead. Nonetheless, there are other sets to try out, including a Curse set that powers up its STAB Iron Head. You could round it out with a Rest/Sleep Talk combo or just all-out offensive moves like Hammer Arm, Superpower, Earthquake, Shadow Claw, Rock Slide, Ice Punch and Thunder Punch, but the drawback of the latter option is that Registeel doesn't have much offensive presence in the first place, like I said earlier - although at a base 75, neither its attack nor its special attack is terrible. Regardless, it's better to go with a support moveset backed up by Levitate and a defensive nature (Careful, Calm, Impish, Bold, Sassy and Relaxed are all excellent options, depending on whether you want to run Iron Head or Flash Cannon - or simply both), so that it at least has something useful to do; something it's good at.

Regice (left), Registeel (middle) and Regirock (right) going wild, by the look of it.
They even don't look as stiff as they always do. 

And that's pretty much the end of the Regi thingsies for now. I won't be discussing Regigigas after this, because I'm reviewing all Pokémon in National Dex order and Regigigas wasn't introduced until Gen. IV. It's not an evolution of any of the three, either, so you won't be seeing it here until I've finished Gen. III and the largest part of Gen. IV. For now, I'll have to rate Registeel, and I think I'll go with a more-than-average 4-star rating.

Rating: 4/5

#378: Regice

Regice's icy body looks very much crystalline in this stunning
piece of fan art. 

Whereas Regirock's typing makes it more plausible it's actually based on the golems of Jewish folklore, Regice and Registeel are most likely just loosely based on these mythical creatures, being made of ice and steel rather than stone - or ceramic, for that matter. Regirock might be the most aesthetically pleasing of the three legendary titans, but I have to admit Regice is a lot more interesting flavor-wise. Its deep-frozen body, made entirely of Antarctic ice during an ice age, is cloaked in air of -328°F and everything and everyone that comes near it will be frozen solid instantly. Fire won't melt Regice's body, and even if it's immersed in magma it will remain intact. Dude, how fucking awesome is that? This giant ice statue can take a bath in scorching magma if it desires so and will come out unscathed no matter what. That is scientifically impossible, as ice starts to melt at a temperature of 32°F. Which, by the way, is kind of a weird thing for me to say, because I live in the Netherlands and we use the Celsius scale instead of the Fahrenheit scale (as well as the metric system rather than the imperial system), so I've learned that the freezing point of water is exactly 0°C and the boiling point 100°C - and not 212°F, as the Americans so stubbornly hang on to. It's so easy to learn English and tell apart the spelling differences between the British and American variants, but the measurement systems used in English-speaking countries are an absolute mess and I just cannot learn them by heart, no matter how hard I try. Google to the rescue, I guess...

Official Sugimori art of Regice. 

But I ain't here to rant about no goddamn illogical measurement systems. This entry is about Regice, and basically it's just a specially oriented ice-type variant of Regirock. Whereas the latter has great attack and crazy defense, Regice is blessed with a great special attack stat and an insanely high special defense stat. Its special movepool might not be as impressive as Regirock's physical movepool, but there's definitely something we can work with. First off, Regice isn't very fast, so it's an option to set up with Rock Polish first and bombard the opposing Pokémon with moves like Ice Beam, Thunderbolt, Focus Blast, Flash Cannon, Ancient Power and Signal Beam. Of course, such a set is supported by a Modest nature and a Life Orb, although the Choice Specs are viable as well if you drop Rock Polish for an attacking move. It could also be used as an offensive tank, sporting the Leftovers and the move Thunder Wave in order to paralyze - and thus slow down - foes, only to take advantage of that later on by shooting off its offensive moves in rapid succession. Okay, I'm overreacting a little bit, but at least it's an option. However, ice isn't a great defensive typing at all, resisting only itself, and Regice's glaring weaknesses to types like fighting, fire, rock and steel (the latter isn't as prevalent in competitive play as I'd like it to be) will only wear it down quicker, especially since three of the four tend to be physical-based rather than special-based. Finally, Clear Body prevents any stat reductions on Regice and is definitely the preferred ability, as Ice Body only heals its HP in hail, which will almost never occur in a competitive match. Unless one of the Pokémon has Snow Warning, that is...

The Regis all lined up. From left to right: Regice, Registeel and Regirock.

While I think Regice is definitely interesting, its design is a bit too blocky to my taste. Especially the conical feet/legs are off-putting; they seem tremendously impractical and I'm 100% positive that those disc-shaped things attached to the underside of Regice's body prevent it from walking in an ordinary fashion. Then again, a Pokémon of Regice's caliber would probably just float; if it's cool enough to bathe in magma without melting, I'm sure floating wouldn't be that big of a problem. In any case, Regice isn't as competitively useful as Regirock and I am of the opinion that its design could have been a little bit better as well. Therefore, I won't grant it a perfect rating; instead, it'll have to do with 'just' 4.5 stars.

Rating: 4.5/5

#377: Regirock

Regirock's official art. 

Just as we had gotten used to the three oversized elemental birds from Kanto and the three mammalian beasts roaming around Johto, Game Freak decided to drop the success formula altogether in Gen. III and saddled us with a trio of robotic golems. This is what people were talking about when they said a lot of the Hoenn Pokémon didn't feel like Pokémon to them at all. A lot of people could still take them or leave them depending on their usefulness nowadays, while Articuno, Suicune, Entei, etc. quickly grew to be fan favorites based on their designs. Regirock, Regice and Registeel are still pretty much interchangeable, mainly because their blocky and inorganic designs just make them feel like the same Pokémon to many people. It's a miracle to me that so many people found out how to obtain them in the first place, as they're a bitch to catch in Ruby, Sapphire and ORAS due to the many requirements you'll have to fulfill. First off, make sure you have Wailord in the first spot and Relicanth in the last spot of your party (good luck with that, by the way, because both are pretty rare in the first place). Then, use Dive in the one diving spot on Route 134, which you can only reach by going through the maze of sea currents on the routes before that. Make one mistake and you can fly back to Pacifidlog Town to start all over again. Once you've gained access to the Sealed Chamber, you'll have to follow a couple of instructions involving certain moves - here, I believe it's Dig you're required to use in a certain spot. If it works, an earthquake occurs and a text box telling you it sounds like doors opening far away appears, which means you've activated all of the chambers the Regi thingsies hide in. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that they are now easily accessible; for Regirock you'll have to use Rock Smash in a certain spot of the chamber found in the desert on Route 111, for Regice you'll be required to walk counter-clockwise around the edges of the entire chamber found on Route 105, and for Registeel you'll have to use Flash in the direct center of the chamber found on Route 120.

Ain't nobody got time for all of that.

This kind of 3D art makes a Pokémon like Regirock surprisingly realistic. 

While 12-year-old me was also disappointed with this legendary trio, I find them much more interesting now that I am 27. Of the three, Regirock is by far my favorite. It may have the most chunky design of the three Regis, but at the same time it has the most natural look to it due to its imperfectly craggy body. Regirock achieves its craggy look by repairing itself with new rocks after it gets damaged in battle, causing it to be composed of different unearthed minerals from all over the goddamn world. And while it clearly has the conscience to seek out suitable rocks for it to patch itself up, there are no signs of it possessing a brain or heart, which is a mystery even to modern-day scientists.

This aspect of Regirock suggests it is based off of the golems of Jewish folklore, which casts them as servants of higher powers with writings on their heads, very much like the braille script found on Regirock and its cohorts. According to some Hebrew legends, removing the writings would weaken, deactivate or destroy these golems. For example, there is the tale of the Golem of Chełm, which was said to have been in the possession of a Polish rabbi called Eliyahu Ba'al Shem. He created the creature himself, inscribing the word emet (אמת, Hebrew for 'truth') in its forehead and making it carry out difficult tasks for him. When he realized the golem was growing larger and larger, he feared that it would destroy the entire universe and removed the aleph (א, the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet) from its forehead. The inscription would suddenly say met (מת, meaning 'death') instead and before the golem disintegrated and turned to dust, it left severe scratches on its master's face.

Some more amazing 3D art, goddammit.

There's an interesting lore behind Regirock, and because the golems we've come to be familiar with are usually made of clay or any other earthy matter, Regirock comes closest to being an actual golem. It's one of the reasons why this Pokémon is my favorite of the legendary titans, although its competitive use definitely plays a big role in that as well. I kinda have a thing for high defense stats, and that probably has something to so with my affection for steel types - which would also explain why I love Pokémon like Regirock and Gigalith so much. Regirock is sporting one of the highest defense stats in the game, though, and in that regard it is defeated only by Shuckle, Mega Steelix and Mega Aggron and equalled by regular Steelix. That's a lot to work with, especially when you consider its HP stat is a very decent base 80, backing up that defense stat quite nicely. Because Regirock is naturally bulky - for some reason, it also possesses some moderate special defense - you could run an all-out offensive set supported by an Adamant nature and something like a Life Orb or a Choice Band. It benefits from having a wide physical movepool, with moves like Rock Slide, Stone Edge, Earthquake, Hammer Arm, Superpower, Drain Punch, Fire Punch, Ice Punch, Thunder Punch and Iron Head. If a base 100 attack stat is a little less to work with for you, you could also run an offensive-supportive moveset consisting of Thunder Wave, Stealth Rock, Earthquake and Stone Edge, backed up by an Impish nature to make maximum use of Regirock's physical bulk and the Leftovers to ensure its endurance in battle. If speed is your problem, Regirock can set up with Rock Polish, effectively doubling its speed when it is used the first time. As far as abilities go, Clear Body is by far the superior one, as it prevents any stat reductions coming from opponents. Sturdy might come in handy on the off chance Regirock is in the proximity of being OHKOed, but it is not recommended.

Well, Rocky... you look kind of awkward just standing there, blankly staring at
nothing. Are you okay?

It probably won't come as a suprise that this will be the longest article about a single legendary titan, mainly because I've spilled everything about their origins already. I most likely would have waited with that had Regirock come last rather than first, but what's done is done and I can't reverse it now, right? (Disclaimer: Well, I probably could have done that when I was still in the process of writing, but you didn't really think I would have thrown all of that hard work away, now did you?) We're nearly at the end of Gen. III and Regirock's rating is by far not the last perfect rating I'm giving this generation. Not just yet.

Rating: 5/5

#374 - #376: Beldum, Metang & Metagross

Beldum emerging from its Heavy Ball, a ball used
for catching heavier Pokémon.

Okay, now we're talking pseudo-legendaries. Metagross is actually one of only two I absolutely adore (the other one being Hydreigon), which should not be surprising to you in the least, because Metagross is a badass-looking steel-type Pokémon and y'all probably know by now that steel is my favorite of all 18 types.

Like all other pseudos, however, Matagross has to go through its infant stage, and that's exactly the right way to describe Beldum. You'll have to baby it in order for it to evolve, because literally the only move it learns by level-up is Take Down, which isn't even a STAB move and does recoil damage in return. That's not to say there isn't anything noteworthy to say about Beldum; on the contrary, really, bacause its flavor is far more interesting than its generational pseudo-legendary counterpart Bagon. Despite being a mechanical creature, this little dumbbell Pokémon - although its appearance is more reminiscent of some kind of surveillance camera, which is only strengthened by its trait of using the claws on its rear end to anchor itself to walls or ceilings in order to get some rest - still has emotions, the need to eat and sleep, and a way of reproducing. Its body lacks blood, however, and it is instead powered by magnetism: by emitting magnetic waves to repel the Earth's magnetic field, it is able to levitate (it doesn't have access to the ability with the same name, though), and it uses magnetism to move, communicate, hunt and control its attacks. Well, the only attack that it has, that is, unless you have an event shiny Beldum with moves like Iron Head and Zen Headbutt.

Metang's arms are rotated backwards when traveling, so that it
can reach speeds of over 60 miles per hour. 

Fortunately, you won't have to put up with Beldum for too long, as it evolves into Metang at level 20, the earliest of any pseudo-legendary basic stage. Metang is said to form when two Beldum merge, but there is no visible evidence of that - much like with Magneton. In any case, the brains of the fused Beldum are joined by a magnetic nervous system, allowing Metang to generate strong psychokinetic power and enhance its intelligence. Furthermore, its steel body is so strong that even a collision with a jet - as it's still able to hover in mid-air using magnetism - won't leave a scratch on it. But however clever Metang may be, this thing ain't got nothing on its evolution Metagross: whereas Metang is the result of two Beldum fusing together, Metagross is the result of two Metang fusing together, leaving Metagross with a total of four brains. These brains are all connected by a complex network of neurons, which makes Metagross capable of breezing through difficult calculations that it uses to analyze its opponents during battles. In short, Metagross is more intelligent than a supercomputer. How awesome is that?

Steven Stone is a collector of rare minerals and gemstones, so I
like the more 'natural' approach of Metagross here. 

Why, 12-year-old me definitely didn't think much of it. In fact, for the longest time I thought most of the Hoenn Pokémon were the worst, just because the creators had deviated from the 'basic' designs we'd come to know and love so much - at least in my opinion. Game Freak went way overboard with the designs for the Hoenn Pokémon, partly due to Gen. III being the first generation in which everybody at the company was able to submit their own ideas for new Pokémon, if I remember correctly. A lot of players took a dislike to these outlandish new Pokémon designs, and I wasn't an exception. I just dashed through the game with my starter and Kyogre, and that was it. That's what I did when starting a new adventure, anyway; it wasn't until Diamond and Pearl that I started creating balanced teams of six Pokémon. Hence, I never paid much attention to Metagross and its pre-evolutions. They looked too robotic and inorganic to my taste, so Metagross actually only came to my attention when I caught a Metang in my Black 2 playthrough. I evolved it, of course, and it literally fucked people up. Since then, I have come to appreciate Metagross a whole lot more, battle-wise as well as design-wise, and now it is actually very high up on my list of favorite Pokémon. And rightfully so, because who wouldn't want a hyperintelligent mechanical arachnid to command around, right? It's better to get this thing on your side in the first place, because you wouldn't want to be hunted down by this thing: it uses its extremely heavy body (at 1,212 pounds, Metagross is heavier than your average Snorlax, yo) to pin down its prey and then eats the helpless victim using the large mouth on its stomach. Being eaten alive by a supercomputer... that's one of the most inglorious ways to go down, if you ask me.

Badass Metagross is badass.

Guess who my favorite Pokémon League
character is?

The best thing about it is that this thing has a Mega evolution, despite its bullshit Pokédex entry from Sun stating that this Mega form 'results from one Metagross, one Metang and two Beldum linking up'. Yeah, right. At least Metagross gets even more badass by tucking away its legs to the back and creating a set of four giant arms with which it can fuck opponents up, so that's a plus. And with an attack stat of 145, the Tough Claws ability, a great psysical movepool, great defenses and a great defensive typing, Mega Metagross is indeed hard to take down. And because you won't retain the speed stat of the regular form in the turn you Mega-evolve your Pokémon anymore, like in Gen. VI, Mega Metagross has become dangerous to such an extent that it was immediately banned to Smogon's Uber tier. With no quadruple weaknesses and only its base 80 HP not exceeding 100 base points (it has base 145 attack, 150 defense, 105 special attack, 110 special defense and 110 speed), Mega Metagross matches a lot of legendary Pokémon in bulk and power. It suffers from the notorious four-moveslot syndrome, which means you won't be able to choose only four moves it can carry; its movepool is just that good. Meteor Mash and Zen Headbutt are excellent STAB moves, while Earthquake, Thunder Punch, Ice Punch, Hammer Arm, Rock Slide, Bullet Punch and Pursuit are all great options to consider filling the final two slots with. The only downside is that Metagross, and by extension Mega Metagross, doesn't have access to any good stat-boosting moves like Swords Dance or Dragon Dance or something (they're just examples), aside from maybe Power-Up Punch, which is a relatively weak non-STAB move and only boosts its attack by one stage each time it's used. Not worth it. You'll have to rely on Meteor Mash and pray the 20% chance of getting an attack boost comes through. And although its base 145 attack stat assures heavy damage output, it doesn't really help you'll need a Jolly nature in order to maximize Mega Metagross's speed stat and outspeed some of the legendary Pokémon in the tier.

Awesome Metagross is awesome.

In that regard, regular Metagross is better. Sure, its base 70 speed doesn't make it a fast Pokémon, but you can set up with Agility to make up for that if need be. And because it isn't very speedy in the first place, you can breed an Adamant nature onto it and let it hold a Life Orb or Choice Band, maximizing the damage output. You'll absolutely wreck house. And to hell with Intimidate users, because Clear Body prevents any stat reductions completely.

Like I said earlier, I absolutely adore this brutal-looking monstrosity now and I am so glad Game Freak decided to give it a Mega form, however overpowered it may be. I can't believe I didn't realize how badass Metagross actually is when I was just in my early teens, but I guess we've all come to get used to more extravagant and alien designs and have even started to really appreciate some of them. Let's face it, how fucking awesome does 'robot spider' sound?

Rating: 5/5

#371 - #373: Bagon, Shelgon & Salamence

While Game Freak really had a thing for medieval bowl cuts during the Johto era, they took a huge leap forward in time and reinvented the mullet when creating their Hoenn Pokémon. Shiftry was one of the two unfortunate souls to have gotten this terrible '80s haircut, but the first Pokémon I'm going to discuss today is so fortunate not to be obliged to stay this way, unlike Shiftry.

Bagon jumping off a goddamn cliff because it wants to fly.
Yeah, it is that boneheaded - quite literally, too. 

Bagon looks like a feisty little baby dragon living in rugged terrains, and in Hoenn it is indeed found in the deepest cave of Meteor Falls. It harbors a never-ending dream of one day soaring high in the skies and hurls itself off of cliffs every day in doomed efforts to fly. When it is frustrated at its inability to fly, however, it smashes its head against huge rocks and shatters them into pebbles or powder. This activity of continually bashing its head results in it becoming as hard as tempered steel, which implies that it shares some traits with the pachycephalosaurus - thick-skulled dinosaurs known for their extravagant skull roofs - even though we would get a full-fledged pachycephalosauridae family with Cranidos and Rampardos one generation later. Bagon's Sun entry even takes Game Freak's dumbness to the next level by stating that its desire to fly is assumed to be the influence of information carried in its genes. NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! Bagon's final stage is Salamence, which is a dragon/flying type and actually is able to fly and - here it comes! - produce other fucking Bagon. Surely baby Bagon are taught by their Mommies and/or Daddies that they will fly one day if only they would have a little bit of PATIENCE, right? Surely.

Oh Game Freak, I just flat out love your stupidity and ignorance sometimes.

Bagon, Shelgon ain't likin' this shit. Go jump off a cliff
or someting, but get off of there at once.

In order for Bagon to be able to fly, though, it has to go through an odd pupal stage for no less than 20 levels. There are bone structures covering Shelgon's body, which repel enemy attacks but make it extremely heavy, causing it to neither drink nor eat. Sucks for Shelgon, as it is trapped inside a musty cocoon and limited in its movements when it really, really, really wants to fly. Therefore, cells in Shelgon's armor-like shell are in the midst of transformation to create an entirely new body. Shelgon's wish to fly comes true when it finally reaches its final stage at level 50, evolving into a mighty flying salamander. And powerful it is, as it's prone to completely losing its shit, whether it be out of joy (flying around spouting flames from its mouth, making it bear a liking to archetypal fire-breathing European dragons) or rage (locking itself into an uncontrollable rampage, destroying everything around it until it tires itself out). And all because its desire to fly triggered a mutation that allowed it to grow large, red wings reminiscent to those of a manga character called Devilman - which I have never heard of, by the way. It becomes even worse when Salamence Mega-evolves, when it becomes even more brutal than ever before, up to the point where it is liable to turn against the Trainer who raised it. Anything and anyone in Mega Salamence's path will get sliced in two by its blade-like wings, posing no interruption to its flight, which earned it the notorious nickname of "the blood-soaked crescent". Yikes.

Some badass fan art of Salamence.

And you know what? Salamence is a monster in competitive play, as it is fast and strong and has decent bulk to it. The only downside is that it has a quadruple weakness to ice, making it unable to take even a non-STAB Icy Wind from a Gengar. That's quite alright, though, as you'll have other Pokémon to counter such things. Just try to compose a moveset to the best of your ability, for there are several different ways to utilize Salamence's strength. The first is a Life Orb set supported by a Jolly nature to maximize its speed and the move Dragon Dance to raise its speed and attack by one stage each every time it is used. The second is a Choice Band set supported by a Jolly nature and nothing but attacking moves - preferably physical, although Salamence's base 110 special attack allows it to fire off special attacks quite well, should you be looking for a mixed attacker. You could also opt for a Choice Scarf set, which allows you to potentially run an Adamant nature instead of a Jolly one. For a regular Salamence, the ability Moxie - which increases Salamence's attack by one stage every time it knocks out a Pokémon - is favored at all times, although the attack drop from Intimidate could put opposing Pokémon at a disadvantage at first.

Big, bad Mega Salamence.

When running the Salamencite set, Intimidate is pretty much required. You want to Mega-evolve Salamence as soon as possible, and not just when you've knocked out another Pokémon first in order to get a Moxie boost, so the attack drop from Intimidate before Mega-evolving could give you an edge. Moreover, Mega Salamence is crazy strong anyway; so strong, in fact, that it was banned to Smogon's legendary Uber tier. And if you're up against some insanely powerful legendaries, lowering their attack first could greatly benefit you, especially when you still have to set up with a move like Dragon Dance. After that, though, it'll be fairly easy for Mega Salamence to sweep - or at least leave huge dents in the teams of opponents, allowing you to finish them off quickly. The biggest difference with a regular Salamence's set is that Mega Salamence has Aerilate - I often hear other people butcher it to "Aerialate" for some reason - which is an ability that changes all normal-type moves into flying-type moves and even gives them a 20% boost, meaning Mega Salamence fares greatly on moves like Return and Double-Edge all of a sudden. Mega Salamence does still receive recoil damage from Double-Edge, so if you're going to abuse it, a move like Roost to heal its HP mid-match wouldn't be a luxury.

This image is all kinds of awesome! 

I am not as big a fan of pseudo-legendaries as I probably should be (Pokémon like Dragonite, Tyranitar, Salamence, Garchomp and Goodra are fan favorites, but I don't find them nearly as appealing or exciting as certain other Pokémon), and I'm probably one of the few not giving Salamence a perfect rating - if other people would also rate Pokémon, that is. Now, I think regular Salamence is a little bland design-wise, but I quite like the kite and/or aircraft design on its Mega form, earning it at least 4 stars out of 5. Not bad.

Rating: 4/5

#370: Luvdisc

I still have no idea why this thing even exists. What I want to know is who the goddamn hell came up with a heart-shaped discus fish as a Pokémon and had the chutzpah to name it Luvdisc. It is also the weakest single-stage Pokémon to date, with base stats of 43 for HP, 30 for attack, 55 for defense, 40 for special attack, 65 for special defense and, finally, a whopping 97 for speed! That means Luvdisc is at least fast enough to do... well, absolutely fucking nothing. This thing has a base stat total of only 330 and it isn't even able to evolve (everybody was surprised that Luvdisc and Alomomola, a Gen. V Pokémon that was introduced years later, weren't related whatsoever), meaning it's only good for wasting space in your PC box. Or for harvesting Heart Scales, for that matter, but even that has been made quite redundant recently, as they're fairly easy to obtain without abusing the hell out of a bunch of Luvdisc first. Seriously, just catch one to fill your Pokédex and immediately trade it off for a Steelix with a guy in the Cyllage City Pokémon Center. I swear, that's a hell of a trade.

Shitty Pokémon is shitty.

So shitty, in fact, that absolutely nobody fucking wants it.

This bitch ain't nothing but a flat, pink, heart-shaped fish. 

And that's a problem when these kissing gouramis are found LITERALLY EVERYWHERE! In Ruby, Sapphire and their remakes, you can't even fish for another Pokémon without encountering a couple of Luvdisc first, and in X and Y they are found all along the western and northwestern coastal area of Kalos. During the spawning season, countless Luvdisc congregate at coral reefs, turning the waters a brilliant pink. That's when you know when there are too goddamn many of them. Tentacool? Zubat? Give me a break, it's Pelipper and Luvdisc I'm tired of seeing all the fucking time. And then its name... "Love disc?" Are you serious? I, of all people, could have come up with that name, and I dare say I'm pretty unimaginative. Well, it earned its name by swimming after loving couples it spotted in the ocean's waves, and it has been a symbol of love and romance ever since, so I guess I'm not the only one who's terrible at making up names. We all know two people in love are cringy as hell, right? It is said that any couple meeting this Pokémon is promised a loving, eternal relationship, and there is a custom from long ago of giving a Luvdisc as a gift to express one's feelings of love. Honeymoon hotels even release this Pokémon into their pools on a regular basis because couples have a soft spot for it. Trust me, if I am given a Luvdisc by my boyfriend as an expression of his love, I'd throw that goddamn thing right back at him anime style and say he'll have to fetch me a Shinx or something. Or else.

Hated Pokémon is hated.

So hated, in fact, that it is universally thought to have one of the laziest designs of all existing Pokémon. I can't help but to concur.

Flat, pink, heart-shaped 3D fish. 

It's kind of ironic that my cries to put Luvdisc out of its misery are answered by a Pokémon I hate even more: when a Luvdisc is left on its own, it becomes despondent, leaving itself open to be snatched up by Pelipper. Even though it'd be better for it to not exist, it still does, and it was even given an anime special ("Luvdisc is a Many Splendored Thing", a reference to the film Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing, as well as the song with the same name featured in the film) focusing on two Luvdisc called Caserin and Luverin owned by Misty and some unknown chick. The most incomprehensible thing about it all is that Dr. Namba - the same mad scientist who tried to kidnap Silver, that baby Lugia - wants to steal them for his plan to reverse their power in order to eliminate all love from the world forever. In the Japanese dub, however, he just wants those Luvdisc for one of its Team Rocket projects, which... makes no sense. I understood Namba for wanting Lugia, as it's a frickin' legendary and all, but Luvdisc? Anything is better than that pointless and unimaginative little fish thing. Luvdisc? More like, "Don't-make-me-fucking-laugh disc."

Useless Pokémon is useless.

So useless, in fact, that it needs to be exterminated already. Does somebody want to volunteer?

P.S.: I knew Smogon wouldn't disappoint me.

Rating: 1/5