#436 - #437: Bronzor & Bronzong

This fan art of Bronzor is very... radiating.

Due to my recent love for steel types - recent being three years or so - I have come to appreciate Bronzor and Bronzong much more than I initially did. In fact, I didn't like these Pokémon at all when Diamond and Pearl were released. They looked weird, served no purpose and were just some cheap Metagross rip-offs in my eyes, just because of their steel/psychic typing (please note that I didn't particularly like Metagross in the beginning, either). You could just catch Bronzor in the wild with no explanation given; except for its Pokédex entries there's no lore behind it whatsoever, and there were no researchers in the overworld trying to explain Bronzor and Bronzong's existence - not that I know of, anyway. It wasn't until years later that I realized there was still a whole lot of mystery surrounding these Pokémon, even though the mystery wasn't necessarily to be found in the overworld. Implements shaped like Bronzor were found in ancient tombs, and it is unknown whether Bronzor are man-made objects come to life or said objects were just inspired by Bronzor's appearance at the time. It is likely the former, as Bronzor is based on a dōkyō, a bronze mirror; and sure enough, Pokémon researchers believe this Pokémon reflected like a mirror in the past, even though x-ray photos that were taken to check its body structure didn't yield any results.

But if so little is known about Bronzor, how do contemporary scientists know that ancient people believed that the herb-shaped crest on its back was imbued with a mysterious power? Do they have a special arrangement with Celebi or something?

Bronzong in TCG.

Anyway, Bronzor's evolution Bronzong isn't just a disc-shaped entity. It is based on a dōtaku instead, a Japanese bell smelted from relatively thin bronze. These bells were often richly decorated with patterns representing nature and were buried in isolated locations by ancient people - occasionally with bronze mirrors and weapons - in the hope they got blessed with plentiful harvests. Sure enough, Bronzong's natural power to summon rain clouds is incorporated into its movepool, as it has the ability to learn Rain Dance by level-up - although it is the only Pokémon who can learn this move naturally but doesn't personally benefit from it. Bronzong doesn't just sommon rain clouds by doing some silly dance, however: it brought rains by opening portals to another world. That's some dangerous shit right there. If Sun and Moon have taught me anything, it's that alternate dimensions are not to be messed with. Additionally, Bronzong apparently also used to be buried by people in ancient times, as one specimen caused a news sensation when it was dug up at a construction site after a 2,000-year sleep.

I'm pretty sure the artist is mocking Game Freak for granting
Bronzong access to the move Earthquake, of all things.

In any case, Bronzor and its evolution Bronzong look absolutely nothing alike, but that doesn't mean their evolutionary pattern is completely illogical. You see, there's an old Japanese legend best known by the title Of a Mirror and a Bell, present in the 1904 book Kwaidan: Stories and Studies of Strange Things by Lafcadio Hearn, an Irish-Greek author who became a Japanese citizen and produced numerous accounts of Japanese culture and mythology. The story tells of a bunch of priests in Mugenyama who wanted a new bell for their temple and asked for the local women to donate their old bronze mirrors, which could be melted and cast into a bell. One of those mirrors belonged to a farmer's wife, but after a while the woman started to regret giving away the mirror that had been in her family for years. An old proverb said that a mirror was the soul of a woman, and she started to worry that she had given away her soul by donating her mirror to the priests. She couldn't afford to buy her precious belonging back, and when the mirrors were sent to the foundry to be forged into a bell, one of the mirrors would not melt. The mirror remained attached to the woman, kept cold in the furnace by her selfish desire, and she couldn't cope with the shame when it was discovered to whom the mirror belonged. She drowned herself, but not before leaving a letter in which she stated that she would come back as a ghost and reward the person to strike the bell hard enough to shatter it. The last wish of anyone dying in resentment was thought to possess a mystical power, so every day the locals tried to break the bell until the priests got tired of the constant noise. They rolled the bell down a hill into a deep swamp, never for it to be seen ever again... and giving the woman exactly what she wanted.

Of course, stories like these are often heavily exaggerated, as I can't imagine a fucking bell causing a woman so much misery that she decides to commit suicide, but myths like these make for pretty interesting Pokémon. The more I come to know about Bronzor and Bronzong's origins, the more I come to respect them - and Game Freak, for that matter, for adding little flavor-enhancing things like the Heatproof ability.

Props to the artist for making this Bronzong appear a bit worn
with age, giving this piece of fan art a more realistic feeling.

Now that I'm talking about that, Bronzong is a very valuable asset to any competitive team. With amazing base 116 defenses and decent base 67 HP, this bell is as tough to crack as the one in Of a Mirror and a Bell. There are a few options to consider when using Bronzong, and one of them is an all-out offensive one: Bronzong's base 89 attack stat allows it to do some pretty serious damage, and with a Macho Brace (halves its already abysmal speed) and a Brave nature (lowers its speed even further, but raises its attack), the move Gyro Ball will absolutely wreck anything that doesn't resist it. Bronzong also learns Trick Room, Earthquake, Zen Headbutt and Rock Slide, as well as Explosion - when it has lost its effectiveness during the match, you can just catch the opponent off guard and let it blow up. However, Bronzong is more commonly used as a defensive Pokémon, setting up Stealth Rock and annoying the fuck out of its foes by giving them a bad poisoning with Toxic and subsequently stalling them with Protect. Alternatively, Trick Room can still be used on a defensive set to evoke the rage of opponents who are trying to set up in order to sweep. To ensure Bronzong's longevity, you should let it hold the Leftovers so it can heal a bit of its HP every turn. With a defensive set comes a defensive nature, but preferably a speed-reducing one such as Sassy or Relaxed, just to squeeze the most damage out of Gyro Ball.

As for its abilities, the damage reduction from fire-type moves due to Heatproof seems great and is a nice little touch Game Freak added in regard to its origins, but I can assure you that the immunity to ground-type moves from Levitate is far more useful. Don't even bother with its hidden ability Heavy Metal, because it will only have effect on the damage output of Heavy Slam, which you won't be using in the first place. Additionally, Bronzong will be taking much more damage from moves like Low Kick and Grass Knot, which obviously isn't very favorable.

Can we just take a second to appreciate Bronzor's design? 

I absolutely love Bronzor and Bronzong, not only because of my love for steel types but also because there's such a mysterious vibe surrounding these Pokémon. Bronzor and Bronzong are based on very different ancient artifacts, yet their evolutionary pattern makes so much sense if you take their origins into consideration. Working your way up to my list of favorite Pokémon from rock bottom is no mean feat, but both Bronzor and Bronzong managed to do just that. Their rating probably won't come as a surprise to y'all...

P.S.: The Chinese aren't very nice people. Their name for Bronzor is Tóngjìngguài (銅鏡怪), which literally means 'bronze mirror freak'. My precious little Bronzor is not a freak, goddammit!

P.P.S.: I like how bianzhong, an ancient Chinese musical instrument consisting of bells, is phonetically similar to 'Bronzong'.

Rating: 5/5

#434 - #435: Stunky & Skuntank

TCG art of Stunky.

Do British and American people have any idea how cool 'skunk' sounds? We Dutchies call this critter a stinkdier, which literally means 'stinking animal', and I have to say that's pretty unimaginative.

Aside from that, Game Freak went the obvious way with Stunky and Skuntank's poison/dark typing, because God knows skunks are noxious and evil little creatures. Their butt-like faces make their flavor even more ambiguous, even though Stunky's Pokédex entries explicitly state that the foul-smelling liquid it secretes to drive attackers away comes from its rear, which is exactly how a real-life skunk does it (although Stunky and Skuntank's cries do sound like wet farts). The stench can be smelled from over a mile away and lingers around for approximately 24 hours, so in other words, there's nothing overly special to say about Stunky here. There's its feline appearance, but that isn't all that suprising if you think about it: baby skunks are often called kits or kittens, and sometimes the Americans refer to skunks as 'polecats', even though skunks and actual polecats are only very distantly related.

Skuntank is nothing but a larger and nastier Stunky, with a more noxious and dreadful-smelling liquid for it to spray around over distances up to 160 feet; and the longer it allows this liquid to fester within its body, the more powerful the smell. The foul-smelling fermented substance comes from the tip of its tail rather than its rear, and as its tail is bent over its head, Skuntank's name makes a whole lot more sense to me now.

Some examples of Skuntank in TCG art.

Unfortunately, it isn't such a tank in the competitive scene. Sure, it has a good amount of HP and some decent attack and speed, but everything else is mediocre. Skuntank learns Flamethrower by level-up - which, by the way, should honestly say it all - but it can't make use of it effectively due to that mediocre special attack stat. While an in-game moveset can be filled up by Crunch, Play Rough, Iron Tail and Poison Jab (about the only good physical moves it gets, and two of them are egg moves), Sucker Punch and Pursuit are more viable competitively, while Taunt is used to prevent the foe from setting up with anything and Defog can be used to remove hazards like Sticky Web and Stealth Rock from the battlefield. Additionally, the move Haze resets the stat stages of all active Pokémon on the field, which could come in handy if the opponent decides to go full kamikaze on you. That isn't to say that Flamethrower and Fire Blast are unheard of in the competitive metagame, though, especially because they provide excellent type coverage. They're among the few good special-based moves Skuntank can learn as well, although Crunch and Poison Jab are preferred over Dark Pulse and Sludge Bomb due to Skuntank's superior attack stat. Should you decide to go special anyway, Modest is the preferred nature, but Skuntank is more of a physical attacker and I recommend a physical moveset backed by an Adamant nature and maybe something like the Black Glasses as a held item. Some item for utility might be worth your while, too: a Lum Berry heals any status condition whenever Skuntank gets one, while Black Sludge is exclusively for poison types and works exactly like the Leftovers for them. Just make sure Skuntank has the Aftermath ability at all times, as it does some damage to the opposing Pokémon whenever they knock out Skuntank and because the other two abilities just aren't very useful.

Skuntank reimagined as a 'real-life' skunk. This is amazing.

I have absolutely no idea why I put Skuntank on number 42 in my top 50 favorite Pokémon four years ago; if I were to make a top 100 now, it wouldn't even be in it. Conversely, the next Pokémon on my review list (Bronzong) made its way to my top from rock bottom. Funny how that goes sometimes, huh?

Anyway, my statements above don't mean I have come to hate Skuntank all of a sudden. On the contrary, I still think this Pokémon is worth at least 4 stars; I just don't think this Pokémon is anything special and I definitely don't understand how I could love Skuntank to such an extent that I put it on friggin' number 42 in my top 50 back then.

Rating: 4/5

#431 - #432: Glameow & Purugly

The artist made Glameow here much cuter than it actually is.

I told you I once did an Omega Ruby playthrough with feline Pokémon, did I? Well, even if I like Delcatty more than Purugly design-wise, I ended up using the latter, anyway.

Why? Well, because it's a better battler, of course.

I had to put up with a Glameow until level 38, however, which was a pain because it wasn't very good. I even decided to pass on Play Rough at level 50, which Purugly cannot learn, because it was really too far away. While Glameow was fast, it was also relatively weak and feeble, making it an absolute pain to train, especially since the shit with Team Magma goes down when your Pokémon are a little below that level - which is kinda late into the story in the first place - and turning on the Exp. Share tends to make them just a tad bit overleveled even when they don't get boosted experience. And my feline Pokémon did, because I didn't catch them in Omega Ruby; they were obviously transferred to this game from Pokémon Bank. Maybe Game Freak wanted to tie in Glameow's snooty and fickle personality with its in-game purposes, but perhaps that's a little too farfetched since there are a ton of Pokémon who evolve at such a high level. Purugly's stats don't justify it evolving so late from Glameow, however, because it is a decent Pokémon at best.

Is this Glameow really looking at an ordinary goldfish? 

More about Purugly's competitive capabilities later, though. First, we're going to see what it and its pre-evolution are all about flavor-wise. Like I said, Glameow is a haughty and capricious Pokémon that tends to become violent when they are dissatisfied with the current course of events; it is a spiteful Pokémon that can suddenly hook its claws into its Trainer's nose if it isn't fed or when it is angry with them for some reason. When it is happy, it can also purr quite affectionately and demonstrate beautiful movements of its tail, like a dancing ribbon. The ugly side of its personality is intensified when it evolves into Purugly, becoming a Pokémon that makes itself look larger and more intimidating by cinching its waist with its forked tail. This brazen brute barges into the nests of other Pokémon and frightens them off so it can claim the nest as its own if it finds it sufficiently comfortable. Additionally, Purugly will glare at you ceaselessly if you lock eyes with it, so you'd better not start a staring contest with this thing.

Like Pokémon, like Trainer. Or is it the other way around...?

Its hypnotizing looks are probably the reason why it has access to Hypnosis in its level-up moveset, but even though sleep is a precious status condition in competitive play, the 60% accuracy of Hypnosis makes this move less viable than one should wish. Purugly is more often used as a physical attacker in the lower tiers, rocking a moveset consisting of Fake Out, Return, Sucker Punch and Knock Off, occasionally replacing either Sucker Punch or Knock Off in favor of U-Turn. That's pretty much all you need, really. My own Purugly had Return, Aerial Ace, Shadow Claw and Dig, but those moves - with the exception of Return - are absolutely terrible in a competitive setting. It is actually way too brittle to use it as a support Pokémon, and aside from that it doesn't get a whole lot of physical or support options in the first place. You could let Purugly hold either a Silk Scarf to boost its STAB normal-type moves or a Life Orb to boost all of its moves by 30% in exchange for 10% of its health each turn, but it should have a Jolly nature at all times to make maximum use of its surprisingly excellent speed stat - it may look fat and sluggish, but its base 112 speed stat makes it a helluva lot faster than most Pokémon out there. As for abilities, you are best off with Purugly's hidden ability Defiant, which boosts its attack by two stages whenever one of its stats is lowered. Own Tempo prevents it from being confused and is merely situational, while the resistances to fire- and ice-type moves due to Thick Fat sound nice but won't have much of a notable effect because Purugly's defenses aren't worth shit.

No wonder Purugly cinches its waist with its tail. It will become much slower and
less self-confident with such a high amount of fat. 

Purugly is exactly what its name suggests it is: ugly - characteristically as well as aesthetically, and that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. While I used it in my feline playthrough of Omega Ruby, I only did so because the alternative was Delcatty, and we all know Delcatty sucks. In my opinion, however, Game Freak could have done a lot better than creating a brutal, overweight domestic tabby cat. Persian is a mean bitch already, and its personality fits its design and appearance perfectly, so there was no need to depict another cat in a bad light like this. Cats already have a bad rap due to their distant, suspicious and unfriendly personalities, and I'll be the first to admit that they're not as friendly and playful as dogs are, but in my experience they can be very sweet and curious and allow you to cuddle with them all you like as long as you treat them right. Feline Pokémon with dubious personalities such as Persian and Liepard can be an asset to the Pokémon franchise when executed well, but a Pokémon like Purugly was absolutely unnecessary. If my ratings were based on design alone, this Pokémon would get 4.5 stars from me, but I'll have to lower that rating significantly after my heavy criticism of Purugly's flavor.

Rating: 3/5

#427 - #428: Buneary & Lopunny

Now these are some inappropriate bunnies...

Before I dive into some serious Hugh Hefner type of shit, let me get Buneary out of the way. This adorable little bunny is nothing but an adorable little bunny being an adorable little bunny. The only interesting thing about it is that it is capable of delivering powerful blows that can shatter boulders with its rolled-up ears, which I'm sure Diggersby can do much better than Buneary. There's literally nothing else to say about this thing other than its sleeping, eating and survival habits - again, it perks up its ears when it senses danger. I never knew Buneary's name made so much sense, but it's a true eye-opener (!).

Buneary in the anime, striking a pose I don't particularly perceive as 'cute'...

Seriously though, it is Lopunny where things get interesting, with it seemingly being a caricature of a Playboy Bunny - a waitress at a Playboy Club wearing a costume inspired by and matching the official logo and mascot of the monthly men's lifestyle magazine Playboy, consisting of a strapless corset teddy, satin bunny ears, black pantyhose, cuffs, a bow tie, a collar and a fluffy cottontail. We all know that Hugh Hefner, who passed away last month, intended for them to look sexy, sensual and promiscuous, even though they aren't allowed to touch the patrons of a Playboy Club and vice versa. However, the association of Playboy Bunnies with Playboy, notorious for its vast array of nude photos every month, is undeniable. So here we have Lopunny, a Pokémon based on the logo/mascot of a flagship American lifestyle magazine (special nation-specific versions are published worldwide), which contains adult content on a monthly basis and played an important part in the sexual revolution occurring from the 1960s to the 1980s.

Official art of Lopunny, drawn by none other than Ken Sugimori.
I tried looking for normal fan art of this thing, but that was hard
because it being based on a Playboy Bunny obviously begs for
Rule 34 to be applied. 

The worst part of this is that Buneary evolves into Lopunny when leveled up with high friendship, something that doesn't seem quite as equivocal in, say, Riolu and Lucario's case. The fact that we're talking about what's essentially a children's game makes the ambiguity that much more cringeworthy. Sure, the costume is still popular in Japan, where it has lost much of its association with Playboy and is commonly featured in manga and anime - which could explain Lopunny's coquettish cry and girlish figure - but to Americans and people from many other Western countries, the 'bunny suit' will forever be quintessential of the sexual image Playboy perpetuates. Of course, Lopunny is not based on a mere costume. This Pokémon is based on actual bunnies called lop-eared rabbits, domestic breeds with ears that flop over rather than stand erect. The inspiration for Lopunny's design comes specifically from the ears of the Holland Lop, but other than that the similarities are few and far between. I have a problem with the term 'Holland Lop', however, so allow me to use this transition as an opportunity to tell you that I absolutely hate it when people use the word 'Holland' in such a colloquial manner in so many languages (including my own), with people exclaiming that they've been to Holland when they refer to the country as a whole. Interestingly, my country isn't called Holland; it's called the Netherlands, and Holland consists of only two of twelve Dutch provinces, being North Holland and South Holland.

Well, the more you know...

Stat-wise, Lopunny isn't anything special, having mediocre or only decent stats across the board aside from its speed. Because it has Klutz, an ability that prevents the effects of held items from applying, people teach it Switcheroo so that it can transfer a harmful held item like a Sticky Barb or Flame Orb to the foe in exchange for the foe's own held item. Other than that, it is better to just let Lopunny hold a Lopunnite and Mega-evolve it. Trust me, it's for the best, because its base 76 attack stat becomes a hefty base 136 now, while its already good speed stat also gets a boost and ends up at a base 135. In short, Mega Lopunny is a hit-and-run Pokémon that's supposed to hit hard and fast, and that shouldn't be a problem with a nature such as a Jolly one and moves such as Return and High Jump Kick. Those two moves are the staples of its moveset, with High Jump Kick even providing STAB because Mega Lopunny is a normal/fighting type (regular Lopunny is just a normal type), while Fake Out is an excellent opener and Ice Punch is a great type coverage move. It learns Drain Punch and Power-Up Punch in case you prefer the respective healing and attack-boosting aspects of those moves over the chance of crash damage from High Jump Kick, while other coverage moves such as Iron Tail, Thunder Punch and Fire Punch could come in handy depending on which Pokémon you're facing. Don't bother with special moves, because Lopunny's base special attack is a terrible 54 even as its Mega form.

D'awww, bunny love!

While I think a fighting Playboy Bunny is kind of amusing and Mega Lopunny's design - which may have been inspired by 1980s-styled aerobics outfits - is pretty dope, I can't help but to think this Pokémon shouldn't have existed in the first place. If Pokémon had been an American franchise, I wouldn't have been writing about this thing right now; and let's face it, a creature based on mature content in a children's franchise is kind of stretching it a little bit. Of course, most kids are oblivious to all of this bullshit, so in the end it doesn't even matter, but there are a lot of adults who have been playing Pokémon since they were kids and have come to know Lopunny's origins the hard way. It's not as if you can say there aren't any adults who are amused by it, but you have to admit that a lot of people think Hugh Hefner was a misogynist asshole objectifying women by means of his Playboy magazine, Playboy Clubs, Playboy Bunnies, Playboy jet (dubbed "Big Bunny"), Playboy Mansion and lavish Playboy parties and what have you, so a Pokémon based on all of that won't sit well with those people.

And all of the children who easily have access to Bulbapedia now, you ask? Well, what can I say? The Internet is a bitch.

Also, Lopunny's flavor text is absolutely bland: it's a cautious Pokémon and it starts kicking if its delicate ears are touched roughly, which is about all there is to say about it. I wanted to include this bit a little earlier on in this review, but there was a lot to talk about and I couldn't find a proper way to fit it in, so I'm mentioning it now. To conclude, I'm giving this Pokémon 4.5 stars, but only because I think its Mega is lit.

Rating: 4.5/5

#425 - #426: Drifloon & Drifblim

Oddly vibrant and pretty art for a such a ghastly Pokémon.

The first proper balloon Pokémon - and no, the Igglybuff line does not count - are an interesting duo, to say the least. Of all things, Game Freak decided to give them the ghost type and the result is nothing less than terrifying. Drifloon may look cute, but it has a tendency to tug on the hands of children to steal them away, only for it to get pulled around instead. That is its Pokédex entry for Pokémon Pearl, however, as later ones mention it abducting children and dragging them away to the afterlife. Game Freak don't shy away from a little body-shaming either, as Drifloon's Sun Dex entry says it dislikes heavy children. I guess Tierno has nothing to worry about, then. Not that I'm opposed to there being a real-life counterpart of Drifloon if that were possible, because I absolutely hate kids. They smell bad, don't listen to their parents, tend to get in your way whenever you have to be somewhere, make a complete mess out of everything, and as teenagers they're just a bunch of stuck-up, ungrateful know-it-alls. But above all, little kids are loud. I am hard of hearing and I absolutely loathe the agonizing sound of screaming children. The worst thing is that parents don't even know how to restrain their kids anymore nowadays, or they simply don't care; as a result, they just let them be and it irks me to no end. Drifloon would be doing us all a favor by taking them away from us, I swear. Too bad it dislikes heavy children, because those are the ones who tend to easily get spoiled by their parents.

TCG art of Drifloon that seems to fit its typing and flavor much better than the
piece of fan art above. 

Anyway, Drifloon's lightness causes it to float about aimlessly, earning it the nickname of "Signpost for Wandering Spirits", especially because its body is formed by the spirits of people and Pokémon. It can expand or shrink to express its feelings, but its soul will spill out with a screaming sound if its body bursts. Yikes. Its evolution Drifblim is even stronger, carrying full-grown people and Pokémon as it flies. However, it has no control over its flight and as a result of it only being able to drift, people tend to go missing. Even while under careful observation, large flocks of Drifblim flying at dusk will inexplicably disappear from view. I like to believe Drifblim are making themselves and those bad parents vanish while their baby Drifloon are taking care of the parents' annoying children, which would be a wonderful solution for human overpopulation if these Pokémon did indeed exist in real life.

Oh, if only Pokémon were real...

This fan art of Drifblim is strangely tranquil.

But the closest thing we come to 'real' Pokémon are immobile, inanimate plushies and action figures, otherwise we're restricted to using pixelated characters on a handheld video game console. In that regard, Drifblim is kind of a strange Pokémon. Its stats are unevenly distributed, with massive HP and decent special attack, but with mediocre attack and speed and absolutely terrible defenses; one strong super-effective attack is all you need to make this hot air balloon pop. The best you can do is to use it as a special attacker, rocking a Calm Mind set with moves like Shadow Ball, Thunderbolt and Psychic boosted by a Life Orb and a Modest nature (Timid isn't bad, either). Maybe you could replace one move with Rest and give Drifblim a Chesto Berry to hold so it wakes up immediately after using that move, which isn't a bad idea when you're facing a special attacker. It can even get a speed boost from consuming the berry due to one of its regular abilities, Unburden. If that's not your style, Will-O-Wisp is an option to badly cripple opposing Pokémon, as a burn causes an attack drop on the foe and renders Drifblim's defense somewhat passable. Hex instead of Shadow Ball works well in combination with Will-O-Wisp, but it's risky and tricky to pull off with Drifblim specifically.

Smogon mentions a physical Liechi Berry set, of course with Unburden, but Knock Off is literally the only good physical move it gets aside from Acrobatics, which only does massive damage after it consumes the berry in question. It's backed up by Substitute, Destiny Bond and possibly Tailwind, but I don't think it's all that effective. As far as special-attacking options go, a Calm Mind set is really the only way to go. Flare Boost is a hidden ability that raises the power of Drifblim's special moves by 50% when it's burned (probably a reference to its hot air balloon aesthetic), and while burns have been nerfed as of Gen. VII, the risk of burning your Pokémon with a Flame Orb when you can easily set up a Calm Mind is just not worth it.

Fan art of Drifblim as an actual blimp. This is hilarious!

I feel like a lot of the Gen. IV Pokémon don't really meet my expectations. Driblim has an interesting design and an awesome concept behind it, but it just isn't executed well stat-wise. I mean, its HP and defenses make sense, as balloons aren't really that sturdy to begin with, but why isn't it slower and physically weaker? With such few options in Diamond and Pearl (evolutions of Pokémon introduced in earlier generations weren't available until the post-game content or in Pokémon Platinum), you'd think Game Freak would kick it up a notch. Granted, Drifloon can only be caught in the Valley Windworks on Fridays - comparable to Lapras in Pokémon Gold and Silver - but no reason is given for that. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, especially since Drifloon and Drifblim can't control their movements according to their Dex entries, but I guess we'll have to make do with it. I really like Drifblim's design and flavor, though, so I guess a four-star rating is well-awarded here.

Rating: 4/5

#422 - #423: Shellos & Gastrodon

Today's Pokémon are the perfect embodiment of the sluggish pace at which I'm currently posting reviews, wouldn't you say? Expect me to post a lot less frequently from now on, as this here guy now has a job as a proofreader. I am so sorry, but I had such a heavy workload the past couple weeks that I didn't have any time writing something for this blog in the first place.

TCG art containing both of Shellos's forms, with the East Sea
Forme on the left and the West Sea Forme on the right.

Anyway, Shellos is based on the concept of allopatric speciation, specifically the vicariance model: an original population is separated by a geographic barrier, preventing the exchange of genetic information between the two populations (reproductive isolation) and resulting in the development of two different species (evolution). In that regard, this sea slug Pokémon based on chromodoris lochi comes in two different variants depending on where you are in Sinnoh, as the pink West Sea Forme can be found on the west side of the geographic barrier called Mt. Coronet and the blue East Sea Forme can only be caught on the other side of the mountain. It's just an aesthetic difference; neither Shellos has any special effect on the battles and/or overworld in the games, and there aren't any differences in their base stats. In fact, both forms are perfectly able to interbreed and the young inherit the mother's form. The only difference is in their Pokédex entries, and only as of Pokémon Sun and Moon: the pink West Sea Shellos secretes a purple mucus that sticks to the hands of those touching it and is troublesome to wash off, a trait that applied to both Shellos prior to Gen. VII and had a more generic description to begin with. The rest of Shellos's flavor mentions the fact that the color of its body depends on its diet and habitat (well, duh!).

That's it, really. There's literally nothing else to say about it, and I have the feeling Game Freak rushed this Pokémon a little. According to an interview with Ken Sugimori in Nintendo Power, Shellos and Gastrodon were originally intended for Ruby and Sapphire, but they weren't implemented due to time constraints. There are even early back sprites to be found of these Pokémon in the Diamond and Pearl game data, showing the West Sea Forme's pink color and bunch of fleshy head knobs and the East Sea Forme's wing-like appendages. The same can be said about Shellos's evolution Gastrodon, whose early back sprite is incredibly knobbly and doesn't even resemble the two forms of Gastrodon we're familiar with today. Basically, we just got the leftovers from the production period of Ruby and Sapphire, and other than a form difference they weren't given much of an attentive treatment.

3D art of Gastrodon's West Sea Forme.

Before I'm going to talk about Gastrodon, I have to say that I like that, wherever you are in the world, Shellos's name actually always refers to its lack of a shell, which... well, Gastrodon doesn't seem to have a shell, either, but of course its Pokédex entries contradict each other on that, too. That is something for a later time, though, as we're going to dig into Shellos's name origins first.

Japanese: Karanakushi (カラナクシ) is derived from kara, meaning 'shell', and nakushita and/or nashi, meaning 'to have lost' and 'without', respectively. The latter actually makes more sense.

English: Shellos contains 'shell' and 'loss' or 'lost', obviously referring to the fact that it doesn't have a shell. It also suggests that Shellos initially did have a shell, but assuming that its shell was lost as it grew might be a bit of a stretch.

French, German: Shellos's respective French and German names of Sancoki and Schalellos originate from sans coquille and schalenlos, wich literally mean 'without a shell'.

Korean: Kapjilmu (깝질무) contains kkapjil and mu - 'shell' and 'naught', respectively. Evidently, 'naught' refers to the absence of a shell on Shellos's body.

Mandarin Chinese: This is actually the strangest one, and the sole reason why I wanted to talk about Shellos's name origins. Wúkéhǎiniú (無殼海牛) literally means 'no shell manatee', while Gastrodon's Mandarin Chinese name Hǎiniúshòu (海牛獸) means 'manatee beast'. However, a manatee is commonly called a sea cow and is undoubtedly a mammal. Shellos and Gastrodon are based on sea slugs, which are obviously gastropods, so this whole manatee thing makes no sense, unless I'm actually missing something important here.

Eh, whatever. It's probably just a cultural thing.

Two East Sea Gastrodon chillin'.

Gastrodon itself isn't all that interesting, though. In ancient times its entire back was shielded by a sturdy shell, of which there are traces left in its cells, although it is also mentioned that its sturdy shell serves to protect its body. 'Serves', as in simple present tense rather than past tense. Come on, Game Freak, make up your goddamn mind. I know you're busy, but try to get rid of your inconsistencies for once. We're not stupid; give us a little credit here. As for the rest of its flavor, East Sea Forme's Sun and Moon entries mention researchers scouring the oceans of the world in search of a Gastrodon in a color never seen before, as well as experiments that are being conducted by scientists to discover what happens when a Gastrodon is raised in a location other than the sea where it was born. I have no idea what all of this has to do with East Sea Gastrodon specifically, but it's the only form available in Alola and I suspect the 'Gastrodon in a color never seen before' might as well refer to West Sea Gastrodon. In turn, West Sea Gastrodon has strong regenerative capabilities, so it will return to normal within a matter of hours if parts of it are bitten off by fish Pokémon. This was part of Gastrodon's general Dex entries before Sun and Moon, so I guess this trait isn't exclusive to West Sea Forme.

So, the bottom line is that giving the two Gastrodon forms separate Pokédex entries in Sun and Moon was absolutely not necessary.

West Sea Gastrodon chillin' on a cliff.

But Gastrodon has a base HP stat of 111, which is monstrous for HP standards, and base 68 and 82 defense and special defense, respectively. That makes it an excellent tank in battle, provided you use one with a Bold or Relaxed nature to buff up that defense stat. Trust me, it's necessary; in itself, a base 68 defense stat is in nothing to write home about, but a Bold nature and an excellent HP stat renders it more than useful in Gastrodon's case. Just heed grass-type moves, which deal quadruple damage due to its water/ground typing. The only thing about Gastrodon is that it is a pretty straightforward Pokémon with a rather predictable moveset most of the time, despite its versatility. It often carries Recover, Toxic, Scald and either Earth Power or Earthquake; it is genuinely the best moveset for Gastrodon, as it can heal itself with Recover - which is irritating to your opponent when you let it hold the Leftovers - and hit back with STAB moves like Earth Power and Scald. The latter also has a chance to burn the opposing Pokémon, which only adds to Gastrodon's physical bulk due to the attack cut a burn causes. Those are not the only options Gastrodon has, however: it learns useful moves such as Mirror Coat, Counter, Ice Beam, Sludge Bomb, Sludge Wave, Rock Slide, Stone Edge, Clear Smog, Curse, Waterfall and Surf. Its special attack is a base 92, which in combination with its bulk is nothing to really sneeze at, although its base 83 attack and access to Curse might prove to be more helpful to you. If you want to spice up the game a little, Gastrodon is not a bad Pokémon to do that with. Of course, make sure its ability is Storm Drain at all times; not only does this ability make it immune to water-type moves, it also raises its special attack when hit by one. Sticky Hold is useful when you really don't want your item knocked off, but otherwise it is to be avoided, as is Gastrodon's hidden ability Sand Force. This powers up all of its ground-, rock- and steel-type moves in a sandstorm, but Gastrodon isn't that much of a powerhouse in the first place, so I wouldn't bother with it.

I especially like the background here.

Shellos and Gastrodon are no more than okay as far as Pokémon go. I'm not sold on their designs, but I don't carry a hatred or dislike towards it, either. On the contrary, even, because I think Gastrodon's competitive capabilities redeem its bland design a little. I do think the whole East Sea and West Sea differences are a little bit unnecessary, but I guess I can look past that, as it's not a pressing matter to me or something. I would give it 3 stars as a whole, but I guess I cannot put it on the same level with that ridiculous Overcast Forme of Cherrim (which only got 3 stars because of its cute Sunshine Forme), so I'll give it half a star extra instead.

Rating: 3.5/5

#420 - #421: Cherubi & Cherrim

I feel like Gen. IV definitely introduced the largest batch of forgettable Pokémon. I keep failing to remember Finneon and Lumineon are a thing, while I am indifferent towards Buizel and Floatzel; Pokémon like Kricketune, Mothim and Skuntank are easily overlooked, even though I personally really like them; this generation's legendary trio are by far the least used in the competitive metagame; and I feel like stand-alone Pokémon like Carnivine and Chatot don't bring much to the table other than a couple of gimmicky features.

Three basic-stage grass-type Pokémon with the same fucking
face. My GOD, maybe Game Freak and Nintendo are running out
of ideas after all! ;)

But taking home the gold for being the most forgettable Gen. IV Pokémon are Cherubi and Cherrim. Cherubi is just a pre-evolution and so it's not the little guy's fault, but let's be honest: it's literally just a cherry with a second head hanging from its stem. The head isn't sentient and is vestigial in terms of function, but it contains nutrients that contribute to Cherubi's growth as its initial source of food and is apparently very tasty, as several other Pokémon have been observed trying to pluck it off. When the second head begins to bloom, Cherubi is close to evolving into Cherrim... who is nothing but a bud with a pair of feet. This is Cherrim's Overcast Forme, which is its standard form under normal weather conditions and looks like it should be a middle-stage evolution. It only transforms into its Sunshine Forme in harsh sunlight, which doesn't make sense aesthetically: all of a sudden its feet are yellow instead of a deep pink, its eyes are on its head - where they belong - rather than near its feet, and the large purple petals it has as a bud are now small, light pink ones. And then it changes back into its standard Overcast Forme when the sunlight subsides...? I don't get this Pokémon at all. Yes, I know that cherry blossom trees are a staple of the Japanese landscape, and a Pokémon based on these was long overdue, but that doesn't justify creating a Pokémon that doesn't make a lick of sense, at least in my own humble and insignificant opinion. Photonastic traits are not uncommon in plants, but I don't think they change appearance the way Cherrim does.

Huh? Why are those cherry blossoms moving? 

Cherrim, I'm directly talking to you right now: I don't understand you. Why don't you stay in your Sunshine Forme (obviously call it something else, then) and be happy forever instead of being a docile, miserable bud for the majority of your life? You're a Pokémon, a magical being; you're not going to turn deciduous. Not as far as I know, at least.

Nice fan art of Cherrim's Sunshine Forme.

To the reader: don't even think about using this thing in competitive play, because it is absolutely terrible. Should you decide to use it for some unspecified reason, you're in for a bumpy ride: its base stat total of 450, of which its best stats are its base 87 special attack and base 85 speed, renders it pretty much useless. With mediocre offense and speed as well as very mediocre bulk, Cherrim should be avoided at all costs. It's a decent in-game Pokémon, though, with access to hard-hitting STAB moves like Petal Dance and Energy Ball, as well as type coverage in Dazzling Gleam. It gets Weather Ball through breeding, so maybe a sun strategy might work should you decide to use a bred Cherubi/Cherrim in a new playthrough: Sunny Day to set up harsh sunlight, Solar Beam for instant STAB damage (charges up a turn first when the weather conditions are normal), Weather Ball for 100-power fire-type damage (it's a 50-power normal-type move in normal weather conditions), and Dazzling Gleam for fairy-type coverage. This strategy does make Cherrim extra vulnerable to fire types, so it might not be the smartest idea, but at least it's an in-game option for you to consider. I guess it's something, although there are much better grass-type Pokémon to choose from.

3D art of Cherrim's Overcast and Sunshine Formes. 

I don't like how Cherrim's two forms are nothing alike. The incredible thing is that I don't hate the design of its Sunshine Forme at all, as I think it's actually pretty cute. It's just... what purpose does this Pokémon serve? You'll almost always see it in its Overcast Forme, as extraordinary weather conditions in-game are pretty rare, and even then you'll rarely encounter Cherrim. It was also a hassle to get, as the only way to obtain Cherubi in Diamond, Pearl and Platinum was to slather Honey on trees and wait six hours for a Pokémon to appear. Not Cherubi specifically; no, a randomly generated Pokémon. That's just not worth it.

Overall, I'm giving Cherrim 3 stars, only because its ridiculous Overcast Forme exists. 

P.S.: Don't get me started about that so-called marijuana reference in Cherubi's National Pokédex number, just because this Pokémon is a grass type. I am aware of it and I think it's stupid. Cherubi makes you high as much as Vivillion is the spawn of Satan or Bellsprout an actual reference to a blowjob. So, in other words: not at all.

Rating: 3/5

#418 - #419: Buizel & Floatzel

It's been exactly two weeks since I last updated this blog, and I have only one reason for my absence: I just didn't feel like writing anything. I need a break sometimes too, guys!

Official art of Buizel by Ken Sugimori, which is courtesy of none other than
Nintendo and The Pokémon Company, even when it's mirrored.

Anyway, today's topic is Buizel, and by extension its evolution Floatzel. To be honest, I've never thought much about Buizel and Floatzel; they've never appealed to me all that much, but they've never offended me in the slightest, either - unlike a certain other Gen. IV Pokémon I don't even want to call by its actual name. Buizel and Floatzel were just... there. They're still just there, and I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing, because failing to evoke any response or emotion from people other than indifference is not going to make them remember that these Pokémon exist in the first place. Not easily, anyway. At least Pelipper will always be remembered for being an obnoxious little shit - and I believe it was created to purposely trigger people, but that's beside the point. To a certain degree, Game Freak are doing an excellent job when they create a Pokémon that summons feelings of rage and/or resentment in the fandom, although being indifferent towards a certain Pokémon probably has a much better effect on your blood pressure in the long run.

Two happy Buizel. 

Buizel's design is... interesting. This mustelid with fins has a large yellow flotation sac around its neck that it can inflate whenever necessary, but as it's a pure water type you'd think it wouldn't need that flotation device, right? Maybe it has trouble keeping its head out of the water when on the lookout for prey, and the inflatable collar keeps it afloat. I don't want to nitpick, but we've seen weirder aquatic mammalian Pokémon that could stay afloat or keep their heads above water without a flotation device just fine. Plus, they don't have the downside of this device collapsing when they go diving. The thing is that Buizel and Floatzel's designs are commonly believed to have been derived from river otters (even though its German name Bojelin is derived from Hermelin, the German word for 'stoat' or 'ermine', and I personally believe they look more like weasels), so I don't really understand why the whole buoy aspect was integrated in their designs in the first place, but oh well. The two tails Buizel has are used to propel itself through the water by rotating them like a screw, though, making it an agile swimmer nonetheless. Floatzel's flotation device is more like a buoyant vest, although the life jacket theory can be thrown overboard - pun most definitely intended - when it's laying on its back in the water, as the flotation sac could be interpreted as a dinghy instead, especially when Floatzel uses its tails as a propeller and its fins as oars. As opposed to Buizel, however, Floatzel apparently has more control over its flotation device, being able to deflate it when diving and inflate it once again when it wishes to resurface. It is therefore often used as a lifeguard Pokémon to assist in the rescues of drowning people.

Now that I think about it, Floatzel makes a whole lot more sense than Buizel...

Bijschrift toevoegen

How does Floatzel fare in the competitive scene, though? Well, while it is very strong and speedy physical attacker, it is as fragile as a porcelain vase. Its base 85 HP can't save its garbage base 55 and 50 defenses, which means it will almost always be knocked out instantly when hit by a super-effective or STAB attack, and definitely when it's a super-effective STAB attack. Even though its only weaknesses are electric and grass and grass-type moves aren't prevalent in the competitive metagame, the chances of Floatzel surviving a hit are pretty slim. That's why you should let your Floatzel attack before it gets hit, rocking a powerful Jolly nature and a Choice Band or Life Orb as its held item. You don't have a whole lot of choices when it comes to moves, unfortunately: Waterfall, Ice Punch and Aqua Jet are must-haves, while Aqua Tail, Pursuit, Crunch, Brick Break, Low Kick and Iron Tail are the only other viable physical-based options for you to consider. I gravitate more towards Crunch or Brick Break, for the sake of type coverage as well as strength and accuracy. Lastly, make sure Floatzel has its hidden ability Water Veil, which prevents it from getting burned, as the speed boost in the rain that it gets from Swift Swim is purely situational, unless you use it on a rain team.

Also, Smogon mentions special movesets for Floatzel, and I don't understand why. Yes, moves like Hydro Pump and Focus Blast are stronger than Waterfall and Brick Break, but they are also inaccurate and therefore more unreliable than you'd prefer. Most of the time you're better off using physical attacks due to Floatzel's superior attack stat as well as Waterfall and Brick Break's beneficial secondary effects.

GIF of two Buizel and two Floatzel jumping out of the water.

Like I said, I was - and I am still - indifferent towards both Buizel and Floatzel. I know Ash owned a Buizel, but that's not going to improve my rating at all. I have never seen the Diamond and Pearl saga of the anime to begin with, so I wouldn't know what this Buizel was actually like when being with Ash, and if I recall correctly, Buizel originally wasn't even Ash's Pokémon. He traded his Aipom for Dawn's Buizel, because Aipom was more interested in Dawn's Contest-oriented training and Buizel was more interested in Ash's training for Gym battles, which I also mentioned in Aipom and Ambipom's review. I wrote that article more than 15 months ago, so kudos to me for actually remembering that. As for Floatzel... Well, it does have an interesting design and flavor, and it's definitely not a terrible Pokémon to use competitively, so I guess I could spare it 3.5 stars for being a more-than-decent Pokémon all around. Personally, I'm just not interested in using it in any way possible.

Some Pokémon just aren't my cup of tea, even though there's absolutely nothing negative I can say about them. I guess Floatzel is one of them.

Rating: 3.5/5

#417: Pachirisu

I shall never underestimate Pachirisu in my life ever again, that's for sure.

Adorable little Pachi running around in an open field.

While Plusle and Minun served the purpose of showing the synergy between certain Pokémon in Double Battles, Pachirisu seems to represent Gen. IV's connectivity to the Internet: its color pattern matches that of the official Nintendo Wi-Fi logo, its face marking and the spikes on its tail both bear resemblances to a W, and it appeared on the Wi-Fi connection screen on Diamond, Pearl and Platinum. Characteristically, Pachirisu is nothing more than an electric-type squirrel doing squirrel things... with a creative twist. Pachirisu sheds its fur, which it shapes into statically charged furballs. It hides its favorite foods -mostly berries - in these furballs, after which it proceeds to store them in tree holes. If a human or another Pokémon tries to take the food, they will get shocked from the static, so it does so to protect the food. Pachi is more than just a bunch of fluff making furballs crackling with electricity, though; it also rubs its cheek pouches against those of others of its kind in order to exchange stored electricity, it grooms its fluffy tail with the utmost precision, and it uses its impeccably spotless tail as a pillow by curling it around the front of its body.

D'awww, isn't it cute? 

There's nothing overly exciting about Pachirisu, other than the fact that the audience went wild when Sejun Park (officially Park Se-jun; in South Korea - as well as in quite a few other Asian countries - the family name comes before the given name) won the 2014 Pokémon World Championships with none other than Pachirisu on his team. He even took a small Pachi plushie onto the stage with him as a lucky charm. That is not to say you can freely create a competitive set for Pachirisu and expect it to work as amazingly as it did for Park, as the Pokémon World Championships are played in a Doubles format and that is exactly the format in which Pachi has a chance to excel. I usually talk about Singles when I mention competitive sets in my reviews, but I guess talking about Doubles is unavoidable in this case. Pachi's job is to lead incoming attacks away from its ally and draw them to itself with Follow Me, even healing some HP with a Sitrus Berry in a pinch, only for the more powerful ally to hit the two opposing Pokémon hard and fast without getting hurt. Surprisingly enough, Pachirisu possesses some substantial bulk to pull that off, but only when it has a defense-boosting nature and most EVs are invested in HP and defense. Rounding out its moveset are Protect for stalling, Super Fang to take away half of the opposing Pokémon's remaining HP, and Nuzzle to paralyze the foe. The latter even deals some damage, potentially breaking a Focus Sash or Sturdy, which is why this move is only available to Pikachu clones. In a one-on-one format, however, Pachirisu is considerably less usable. Its bulk works perfectly in Doubles, when attacks that hit multiple opponents are significantly weaker, but in Singles it still can't take a full-power STAB Earthquake from a Garchomp to the face.

Pika and Pachi rubbing their cheeks together. Look at these bundles of sheer
adorableness! 

I'm impressed Sejun Park actually managed to win the Pokémon World Championships due in large part to Pachirisu, catching opponents off guard and this way gaining momentum because they were unprepared, but there's just no way in hell that this Pokémon can be used effectively in-game or even in the Singles metagame - in-game because its base 45 offensive stats render it too weak, and in Singles because its bulk and utility moves fall too short in order for them to be effective. Pachirisu has the lowest base stat total of any Pokémon that was part of a winning team at the Pokémon World Championships, and that shows when using it in any way other than Doubles. It's still cute in its own right, though.

Rating: 4.5/5

#415 - #416: Combee & Vespiquen

Combee's hexagonal shape perfectly lends it for locking together
with others of its kind, thus forming a 'wall'. There is even a shiny
Combee thrown into the mix. 

So now it's time to introduce the most useless Pokémon in the history of the entire franchise: male Combee. While Combee is pretty weak in itself, Pokémon that are equally weak or even weaker are often still able to evolve into more superior versions of themselves. Male Combee are based on drones, male bees in a bee hive that are the products of unfertilized eggs and serve to mate with a fertile queen bee. Unlike the female worker bees, drones don't have stingers and do not gather nectar and pollen. This is exactly the reason why only female Combee evolve into Vespiquen, which wouldn't be a problem if the gender ratio hadn't been 87,5% to 12,5%, with male Combee notably dominating the scene. In Diamond and Pearl, it was a very elaborate and tedious task to get Vespiquen, as Combee only appeared in Honey trees. In order to catch one, you had to slather Honey on designated trees and wait at least six fucking hours before a Pokémon appeared. Even then you couldn't be sure you'd get the right species of Pokémon - which is determined at the time a tree is slathered, so saving the game and resetting doesn't work - and if you did manage to get a Combee, you would have to get a female one in order for you to get Vespiquen at all. It's too much of a hassle for a Pokémon that isn't even that good in the first place, but whatever...

Some nice fan art of female Combee.

Admittedly, Combee's design is fairly interesting, aesthetically reminiscent to honey bees (well, duh!) as well as honeycombs. Combee is composed of three pieces of orange hexagonal honeycomb, and each hexagon has its own round face. The bottom-center one is the main thinker of the three and is also the only one to have a red mark on its forehead (if female) and a full abdomen, while the top two 'bees' coordinate the flying. Combee is almost always found collecting nectar, carrying it from flower to flower or taking it to its colony to please the queen, although the collected floral honey can have other purposes as well. When not gathering honey, it sleeps or protects its queen, which it does so by risking it life and recklessly attack any threats or by creating a hive with other Combee and locking together into some kind of wall.

Big bad Vespiquen comin' at ya.

Speaking of queens, the English name of Vespiquen is the only one referring to wasps rather than bees. It comes from vespa, which is Latin for wasp, although it's also the name given to a genus of wasps - specifically hornets. Granted, Vespiquen's black and slender waist connecting its abdomen and round upper body kinda give it the aesthetic of a paper wasp. More than anything, however, it seems to embody an entire beehive, not only because it's the queen bee or looks like real-life queens in some ways - the horn-like projections on its head resemble a hairstyle historically favored by early medieval-period English queens, and its lower body looks like an elegant ballroom gown - but also because there are honeycomb-like cells underneath its abdomen that serve as a nest for its grubs, making them do its bidding by excreting various pheromones while fighting foes. This manifests itself in-game in the fact that Vespiquen has access to no fewer than three signature moves, complete with animations that show several regular-looking bees performing a type of action: Attack Order to attack the foe for base 90 bug-type damage, Defend Order to raise Vespiquen's defense and special defense by one stage each, and Heal Order to recover half of Vespiquen's HP.

Vespiquen surrounded by its slaves. 

Unfortunately, Vespiquen's stats don't allow it to hit very hard or defend very well. Its base 80 offensive stats are okay for in-game purposes, but competitively they're practically unusable. On top of that, its base 102 defenses are backed up by a base 70 HP stat that could be considered no more than just okay, and its speed is just downright terrible. Also, Vespiquen has a quadruple weakness to rock due to its bug/flying type, and as Stone Edge and Rock Slide are prevalent in competitive play, it's bound to take one to the face eventually. Smogon mentions an offensive utility set supported by a Timid nature and a Life Orb, but do you really want that? You can probably 2HKO pretty much everything with a Bug Buzz when you're doing a regular playthrough, but a base 80 special attack stat really won't suffice in the competitive scene. In addition to that, Vespiquen is too slow to execute the utility part in 'offensive utility', so it won't be able to set up Tailwind effectively or take down a foe quickly with Destiny Bond, let alone do anything worthwhile with something else from its terribly shallow support movepool. It does get Defog, but only in the Gen. IV games, so you'd have to transfer it all the way from Diamond and Pearl to Sun and Moon. Not the worth the hassle. So, should you round out its moveset with two more special moves instead? Ironically, Vespiquen is able to learn the special-based rock-type move Power Gem naturally, while Sludge Bomb (via TM) might be a good option for the fairy types running around in competitive lately. A better option is to just make it physically defensive with a Bold nature and give it the Leftovers, but that's kind of redundant with such a terrible support movepool at its disposal.

Sadly, that's it. You could opt to go for a physical set instead, but the only good physical-based moves Vespiquen learns are Attack Order, X-Scissor and Acrobatics, the latter of which forces you to omit its held item from the set. And that's just... not favorable in the slightest, to say the least.

Funny fan art of Vespiquen seducing Beedrill. 

I like Vespiquen, I really do, but some Pokémon are designed or executed in such a way that makes them terrible while they were clearly supposed to be good. Vespiquen is one of them, and it's difinitely a pity it underwhelms me to some degree; I mean, its design and concept are sure interesting, but I boxed it in one of my Pokémon X playthroughs in favor of... well, Mothim, of all things. That Pokémon has something of an edge over Vespiquen due to its higher speed and access to Quiver Dance, and for some reason it also has far superior offensive stats. If anything, Vespiquen should have been a little bit faster and specially offensive in exchange for losing some of its physical attack, as I think it has no reason at all to have equally mediocre attacking stats in the first place, but that's probably none of my beeswax.

Rating: 4/5