#79 - #80, #199: Slowpoke, Slowbro & Slowking

Scene from the "Slowpoke Song" music video.

Another split evolution, but this one is the dopiest so far. If you say that Slowpoke looks like it is dumb, you are absolutely right: it has dim intellect, often forgets what it was doing and - perhaps this is the worst one - responds to external stimuli after a very long time. For example, it can take up to five seconds for it to process pain and it can even take a day before it realises it has been bitten. Dopey? Yup, that is why the official Pokémon classifies Slowpoke as such. Recently, the Pokémon Company International, Inc. announced that it was Slowpoke week or something, and as a result they released a special song called the "Slowpoke Song". Now, if that isn't dopey, I don't know what is. One scene in the music video, in which eight Slowpoke form a circle by biting each other's tails, might even turn out badly for these Slowpoke (obviously, in the music video they'll be just fine). See, their flavorful and pleasant-to-chew-on tails are used as lure for fishing and they often break off and then regenerate. The video games even indicate that Slowpoke tails are seen as a delicacy by humans: Team Rocket sell them for a clean million Pokédollars each. The anime shows that Slowpoke will evolve into Slowbro the moment a Shellder holds on to its tail, after which Slowbro will lose the capability to feel pain due to Shellder's poison.

Heheh. Yeah, this is not really Slowpoke's evolution method in
the games, but it makes for some very good jokes. 

So, the tails are important? Not really. They make for a nice characteristic of Slowpoke, but in the games they are only used to create a storyline plot for Team Rocket and Slowbro is to be obtained by leveling Slowpoke up to level 37. That is quite late, to be honest. It has decent HP and therefore it is capable of taking a hit just fine, but its terrible special attack stat and mediocre attack stat (and the lack of good physical moves for it) makes Slowpoke fall behind quickly if you are going through a regular playthrough. Fortunately, there is another evolution method, as it is also capable of evolving into Slowking, introduced one generation later, by having Slowpoke hold a King's Rock and trade it. Apparently, that is not how it goes in the anime: when Slowpoke gets bitten in the head by a Shellder, the Shellder's venom is released in its brain, causing a chemical reaction that unlocks superior intellect, intuition and inspiration, and extraordinary power. More venom is injected into Slowking every time it yawns, which also causes Slowking to become more intelligent. However, if the Shellder on its head comes off, Slowking will forget everything it has learned.

Shellder, Shellder, Shellder. So that thing is important, after all. In the games, Mantyke evolves into Mantine when it levels up with a Remoraid added to the party, so why couldn't Shellder become the key in Slowpoke evolving into either Slowbro or Slowking (or both)?

Oh, that's right... Mantyke was introduced in Gen. IV and Slowking in Gen. II. I guess it just wasn't possible in the time of Gold and Silver. Alright, I'll let it slide.

Official art of Slowbro (left) and Mega Slowbro (right).

Fortunately though, Slowbro and Slowking are competent battlers. Slowbro even got a Mega evolution. And an uncomfortable one at that, as Slowbro gets almost completely devoured by the Shellder on its tail. Mega Slowbro's energy has gathered in the Shellder, and as a result the hardness of its shell is boosted, making an armor so hard that nothing and or no one can scratch it. And that is noticable, because Slowbro gets a huge boost in its defense (and a small one in its special attack) upon Mega-evolving. Regular Slowbro was already used as a physically defensive tank and a support Pokémon rather than an offensive one. A moveset consisting of Scald (for doing damage; it also has a chance to burn the foe), Thunder Wave (to paralyze the opponent), Slack Off (to recover Slowbro; works great in conjunction with its hidden ability Regenerator, which lets it gain some HP back upon switching out) and Calm Mind (to boost its lower special defense some more and power up Scald) is therefore not uncommon. Now that it has a Mega, it is easily used as an all-offensive threat, preferably with three strong special moves and a status move like Calm Mind or Slack Off.

"I could use pants."

While Slowking's stat spread differs from Slowbro, it is often used as a physically defensive tank as well. Its naturally high special defense can be pumped up with Calm Mind and an Assault Vest, anyway. There is just one thing that actually distinguishes Slowking from Slowbro: Nasty Plot. Slowbro cannot learn this move, which increases Slowking's special attack by two stages. This makes Slowking a great special sweeper in so many ways: Quiest/Modest nature with Slack Off for recovery and Leftovers or Life Orb as a hold item, Bold nature with Slack Off and Leftovers, Modest/Quiet nature with Choice Specs as a hold item and the move Trick (to switch hold items with the opponent, which forces the specs onto the opponent's Pokémon and locks it in an undesirable move)... you name it. Slowking really makes for a versatile Pokémon. By the way, any of the above options should include its hidden ability Regenerator, because its regular abilities (Oblivious and Own Tempo) only prevent it from becoming infatuated. This status condition can be solved by simply switching Slowking out anyway, so don't bother with these abilities.

I really like these Pokémon, to be honest. The only thing that annoys me a little is Slowbro's Pokédex classification as the 'Hermit Crab Pokémon'. Trust me, I do get the reference to the Shellder it is carrying along with it, but Slowbro itself does NOT look like a crab in the slightest, not to mention hermit crabs carry a shell along with them as their home, which can't be said about Slowbro's Shellder. If anything, it looks like a combination of a giant amphibian and a hippopotamus (whose features are clearly seen in the joke image above). That doesn't keep me from giving the whole Slowpoke family an excellent score of four stars out of five, though!

Rating: 4/5

#77 - #78: Ponyta & Rapidash

Official art of Ponyta (left) and Rapidash (right).

OMG OMG OMG, DID SOMEONE SAY UNICORNS???

Yeah, I don't care about unicorns.

Rapidash is awesome though, so let's see what this thing is all about. It is the evolved form of Ponyta, who is really nothing special. Okay, its hooves are said to be ten times harder than diamond, but that's only a good thing for Ponyta. We can't go collect them hooves, PETA will have our heads for that. It can jump over Ayers Rock and the Eiffel Tower, but who says Rapidash can't do it better? Besides, newborn Ponyta can't even stand properly and only strengthen overtime while chasing its parents, very much like real-life newborn foals. I guess Rapidash can do everything that Ponyta can do, just better. And on top of that, it can even run 150 miles per hour while barely touching the ground, reaching its top speed in only ten steps. The faster it goes, the longer its blazing manes become and the brighter they sparkle.

Shiny Ponyta and Rapidash both have some of the best shiny
forms created by Game Freak.

Ponyta's flavor may not be that interesting compared to Rapidash's, but it and its evolution are definitely some of the most graceful Pokémon in existence. Not surprising, as horses are often seen as noble animals since humans use them for transport. The image of Ponyta and Rapidash's gracefulness is only enhanced by their shiny forms, which are some of the best ones out there. Normally, Ponyta and Rapidash both have normal orange-red flames as manes. This suggests that they're based on the fiery steeds in mythology, such as those belonging to the Greek god Helios, or Skinfaxi and Hrímfaxi from Norse mythology. These horses are ridden by Dagr (meaning 'day') and Nótt ('night') respectively, and Ponyta and Rapidash's shiny forms only make us wonder whether they are based on those mythological horses: shiny Ponyta have blue flames (day?), while shiny Rapidash are blessed with gray flames (night?). One thing is for sure: while some shiny Pokémon are downright ugly, Ponyta and Rapidash only look more beautiful than their regular forms. I love them. Not as much as shiny Ninetales, but I love them nonetheless.

Potential Mega evolution of Rapidash? I'd support a flaming
Pegasus Pokémon for sure. 

But a shiny is nothing when it cannot fight, right? Well, don't worry: Rapidash is actually a competent Pokémon to use competitively. It's got excellent attack and speed and somewhat medicore defenses. They're not terrible, but I think Rapidash is supposed to be a glass cannon and has to hit hard and fast, so you'd better invest EVs in speed and attack and give it a Choice Band or Life Orb. Flash Fire is the preferred ability, as it absorbs other fire-type moves and gives Rapidash a boost in its own fire-type moves in return, while its moveset should consist of Flare Blitz, Wild Charge, Drill Run and Will-O-Wisp. Be careful, because the first two moves cause recoil damage on Rapidash and wear it down easily (especially when combined with a Life Orb). Poison Jab, Megahorn, Bounce, Iron Tail and Low Kick are also solid options for Rapidash if you know or suspect what you're about to face and want to use other moves instead of Drill Run and/or Wild Charge (and let's be honest: two recoil moves, especially when Rapidash doesn't even receive STAB from one of them, is a little redundant for such a frail Pokémon, don't you think?).

In the end, Rapidash doesn't even look as much like a unicorn as I made you believe at the beginning of this entry. I love everything about it, though: its characteristics, the fact that it is based on mythological horses, its fighting capabilities, its diverse movepool (but how the hell does it get Poison Jab?)... However, it is its shiny form that makes me give it and its pre-evolution Ponyta a perfect rating. I am starting to understand why the human race regards horses as noble creatures.

Rating: 5/5

#74 - #76: Geodude, Graveler & Golem

Fan art of the Geodude line: Geodude (top left), Graveler (bottom
left) and Golem (right)

There is nothing more tedious than a Pokémon that explodes in your face when you're trying to catch it.

Yes, I am looking at you, Graveler.

Geodude and its evolutionary line are yet another species Pokémon that never failed to be in any regional Pokédex up until Gen. IV. Therefore, Geodude is a common Pokémon that is often found in caves and on mountains, which is its ideal habitat because it is literally a rock. With arms and hands, that is, but its looks provide it perfect camouflage. No wonder people and other Pokémon step or trip on you, Geodude. There's no need to be so pissed about that. Anyway, when it wakes up in the morning, it rolls downhill to look for food. Also preferring rolling over walking is Graveler, who literally eats rocks (preferably those that are covered in moss) all the time on its way to the peak of a mountain and rolls down when it is done being weird. It evolves into Golem by trading, so you won't find Golem in the wild. That is something to be happy about, because if that thing blows up in your Pokémon's face with its 120 base attack, your Pokémon is dead. And guess what? Golem likes to withdraw its head, arms and legs into its rock-hard shell (which may be based on the tectonic plates of the Earth, as Hindu, Chinese and Native American mythology state that turtles are believed to carry the world on their backs) and dangerously roll at high speeds, crashing into and running over anything in its path. Well, rolling over anything in its path, rather.

'Cause that's how they roll.

TCG art of Golem.

But the question is, 'How does it roll in the video games?' Well, an in-game Golem only needs Earthquake, either Rock Slide or Stone Edge, Heavy Slam, and Double-Edge (when its ability is Rock Head, which means Golem won't get recoil damage from this move) to wreck anything that comes its way. Just be cautious of grass- and water-type moves, as Golem has a quadruple weakness to both of them due to its rock/ground typing and its very mediocre special defense stat; most moves of these types tend to be special. If you're really scared of Golem getting destroyed by Surf or Giga Drain, it would be wise to go for one with the ability Sturdy, which prevents it from getting knocked out in one hit when its HP is full. Competitively, Golem is often used as a Stealth Rock setter, which does damage to any of the opponent's incoming Pokémon accordingly to their weaknesses and resistances. Explosion is actually a must-have last-resort move for Golem, as it does MASSIVE damage to anything that is somewhat frail, especially if Golem is holding a Choice Band. If you get the chance, you might even slap Rock Polish on it, which practically doubles its speed and makes it a decent late-game sweeper. That could work out very well if you invest some EVs in its speed stat as well, especially combined with a beneficial nature.

Golem's flavor may not look like much, as its design makes it already quite obvious that Golem likes to roll, but don't let that fool you: it is actually a powerful Pokémon, especially considering the fact that Golem got an attack boost in X and Y. Besides, its design is not that bad. It's just a shame Golem's name is so unimaginative; it is derived from the mythical creatures called golems. Exactly.

They see 'em rollin', they hatin'.

Rating: 4/5

#72 - #73: Tentacool & Tentacruel

A Tentacool swimming in the sea, with a Tentacruel in its wake.

Tentacool. The Zubat of the Seas. This little pest is the bane of my existence.

I think I need to explain myself.

Yes, I did say I don't mind Zubat. I also did say to just slap a Repel on and get the area done as quickly as possible if Zubat annoys you so much. But the thing is that I actually like caves to some extent, whereas I absolutely HATE water routes. Caves get you from one room to another, giving you the feeling you're actually making progress, but the vast sea somehow gets me pissed off every fucking time I have to cross it. I constantly get lost because the sea always looks the same no matter where I'm at, while in a cave there are some places you can recognize by cliffs, the position of rocks, and even small ponds and lagoons. I'll gladly take the huge amount of wild Zubat if it means I can explore a cave without getting frustrated.

Back to water routes: Hoenn has the worst ones. No kidding there... out of all regions, this region also has the most water routes; the Hoenn sea is so vast! Johto is a close second, though; not because I think its only sea is so overly big, but because the two (connecting) water routes require you to maneuver between the Whirl Islands, of which there are four. Indeed, there are four different entrances to a big underwater cave (and entering all of them are necessary if you want to explore the whole cave) and that's exactly the reason why this cave is the only one I actually despise, in any core-series Pokémon game ever. But whether you are in Kanto, Johto, Hoenn or Sinnoh, you'll always find that their water routes have something in common: Tentacool is the most common Pokémon you'll find on the water, hence I named it the Zubat of the Seas. Heck, Tentacool is the equivalent of water, because its body is composed of 99% of the goddamn stuff...

Yes, I know I can slap a Repel on when I'm at sea, but let me have this rant about water routes, okay? Like, shut up.

A huge-ass Tentacruel completely demolishing a city in the
anime episode "Tentacool and Tentacruel"; season 1, episode 19.
Due to its content, the episode was temporarily banned after the
events of 9/11, until Cartoon Network began airing the series.

Anyway. You know who also thinks Tentacool is a pest? Nastina, a resident of an seaside city in the anime called Porta Vista, who wants to build a hotel for the wealthy right on top of a coral reef inhabited by Tentacool. Nastina (which is indeed derived from 'nasty'; she also has a cousin called Brutella, go figure) offers a million-dollar reward to anyone who can exterminate the Tentacool, as the jellyfish Pokémon are constantly attacking the construction site and everything and everyone related to it, because it is destroying their natural environment. Naturally, when Team Rocket hear of the reward, they try to eradicate the Tentacool with some device. They are surrounded and attacked, however, and the device lands on the head of a Tentacool who then evolves into a Tentacruel more than a hundred times its usual size. From then on, the demolition is complete. The gigantic Tentacruel, accompanied by its fellow Tentacool, goes and destroys the city, using Meowth as a mouthpiece to make their intentions and objections known. Only pleas from Misty could make it stop and return to the sea.

I'll never forget that episode.

Official Ken Sugimori art of Tentacruel.

That episode is not the only interesting thing about Tentacruel, though. It is actually also a competent competitive Pokémon. It is a fast special tank that is often used for support and defense rather than offense, as its attacking stats are decent but nothing to write home about. Therefore, most EVs are invested in its speed, HP and special defense, and sometimes even in its mediocre defense stat combined with max HP. This is necessary for Tentacruel to endure the battle as long as it possibly can, so that it can set up with Toxic Spikes and Scald (an attacking move that has a chance to burn the foe), remove the opponent's entry hazards with Rapid Spin and remove the opponent's Pokémon's items with Knock Off. Toxic is for flying types, who are immune to Spikes and Toxic Spikes, whereas Sludge Bomb and/or Acid Spray provide for good STAB moves. The latter even harshly lowers the foe's special defense stat, which might give Tentacruel the chance to knock it out or forces the opponent to switch out. Its ability Liquid Ooze is the preferred ability, making the foe lose HP rather than gain HP when it uses an HP-draining move like Giga Drain, Drain Punch or even Leech Seed. Rain Dish heals Tentacruel when it's raining and Clear Body prevents its stats from being lowered, but neither is worth the hassle. For an in-game Tentacruel is doesn't matter, but such a Tentacruel is more offensive, anyway. It is versatile enough: teach it Sludge Bomb (and later on Sludge Wave), Surf, Ice Beam and Dazzling Gleam and you'll have a perfect Tentacruel.

I love Tentacruel, especially because of that 'spectacular' episode of the anime. Could you even imagine how more fearsome this thing would look like when it's showing off all of its tentacles? That's right, Tentacruel might have up to 80 tentacles, but most of them are hidden, leaving only 14 of them exposed. If that doesn't make you shudder, then I don't know what does.

Rating: 4.5/5

#69 - #71: Bellsprout, Weepinbell & Victreebel

TCG art of Bellsprout.

I was going to make a joke about how Bellsprout's Pokédex number fits it perfectly, but on second thought I think that would have been highly inappropriate.

Shit, I did it, didn't I?

But all joking aside, Bellsprout's only distinctive trait is that it is based off of carnivorous pitcher plants, which is not an uninteresting thing to work with. To find anything interesting, however, we should take a look at its evolutions, Weepinbell and Victreebel, because all Bellsprout can do is prey on bugs and stick its root-like feet in the ground to absorb water and be stuck there. Even Weepinbell behaves much like a real-life pitcher plant does: it camouflages itself to await its prey, sprays pollen to paralyze them, and melts them with its internal acids, which it neutralizes to prevent its own acid fluids from melting its own body. When its victims don't fit in its gigantic mouth, it slices them up with the razor-sharp leaves it has for hands. That is kinda gross, but I'm starting to get a little disappointed there. It looks like Bellsprout and Weepinbell are just alternatives to Oddish and Gloom, and worse ones at that, too.

Dumb-looking Weepinbell

So, is Victreebel any better? A little. It is less clumsy than Weepinbell, who hangs from the stem of a tree while it is asleep, often letting itself fall and finding itself on the ground when it awakens. Good job there, Weepy. Victreebel's long vine (or whip, if you will) is used to mimic animals in order to attract prey, along with a sweet scent it produces, and an acid that has dissolved numerous victims and becomes even sweeter and more effective at attracting prey (mostly small birds and rodents, which Victreebel hoards). This acid even devours the hardest things it swallows. The most interesting thing is that groups of Victreebel often go out to collect Leaf Stones to help Weepinbell to become more Victreebel during nocturnal evolution rituals. The more Victreebel, the better, I assume.

Except for Pidgey and Rattata, that is.

So its classification as the 'Flycatcher Pokémon', which also applies to Weepinbell, is not strictly true. Real-life pitcher plants often lure just insects, though, so I'll let Game Freak have that one. What I'll also let them have is the misspelling of 'bell' in Victreebel, because the game script only allowed them to use a maximum of 10 characters for each name and item when the Pokémon franchise was just getting started. What I won't let them have, however, is Bellsprout's classification as the 'Flower Pokémon'. It's a bud, not a full-grown flower. Come to think of it, I don't even think I can consider Weepinbell and Victreebel flowers; I'd rather see them as plants. To make it simple, it would have been much more appropriate to make Bellsprout a flycatcher Pokémon as well, but why go the easy way when you can make it as difficult as possible? Right, Game Freak?

Fan art of a dangerous-looking Victreebel.

Well, off to a more pressing matter: how does Victreebel stand out as a battler? Honestly, it sucks. Or rather: I think it sucks. Okay, I'll admit it has some very good attacking stats, with its base attack being a little higher (105) than its base special attack (100). The thing is that Victreebel can't do anything with them for too long, because it is frail and relatively slow. Its ability Chlorophyll doubles its speed in harsh sunlight, so that is the situation you want it in. In the process of setting up the sun, though, it might well have to take a hit first and that is not what you want. Instead, let another Pokémon set up the sun and switch in to a Modest-natured Life Orb Victreebel when the time is right. Victreebel doesn't have many moves to sweep with while the sun is up, but Solar Beam is a good idea; that move normally requires a turn to charge up first, but not in the sun. Sludge Bomb is another STAB move for it, while Weather Ball (through breeding) has the effect to change types during certain weather conditions, changing into fire in harsh sunlight. Sleep Powder (do I need to explain what it does?) or Growth (raises the attack and special attack stats by two stages each while the sun is up; otherwise, this move just raises these stats by one stage each) might be a good idea, but pass on Synthesis; the moment Victreebel has healed up, it'll get an opponent's move in its face. If you're so adamant about having a healing move in its moveset, then drop Sludge Bomb for Giga Drain, which does a great amount of damage and heals 1/3 the damage dealt to the opponent.

This fan-art Victreebel looks more interesting than
the original, and it also looks more like a real-life
pitcher plant to me. The Venonat on the edge of
Victreebel's mouth is about to meet its maker, tho.

Also, the games fail to maintain Victreebel's flavor. Despite its huge whip, it can only learn Power Whip (which is its only good physical attacking move, mind you) and Acid Spray through breeding, while moves like Acid and Gastro Acid are only available through its pre-evolutions. Well, at least that is something, isn't it? It learns such few useful and available moves for a normal playthrough as well, in which setting up the sun is a bit unnecessary and thus it has to rely on some other status moves or perhaps more STAB moves instead. I feel like Game Freak could have done so much more with this whole pitcher plant thing, but Victreebel turns out to be a worse alternative to Vileplume altogether, who could pull off at least the poison part better than Victreebel. Even though Vileplume's ability Chlorophyll contradicts its flavor a little, as it is usually a nocturnal Pokémon, it is still better. It can fight and set up on its own and it is capable of taking a hit, while Victreebel is too frail to set up first and needs another teammate to summon the sun for it instead. It is such a shame I have to be so negative about Victreebel, because I really don't hate this thing; not by a long shot. Carnivorous plants are an original topic to work with, and its flavor text is actually quite interesting (well, more interesting than Bellsprout and Weepinbell's), but it's a pity the games don't really show that it can be a good Pokémon by changing its movepool around a little. For now, I won't use this Pokémon, but its design, characteristics and role in the anime series (who could forget James's Victreebel, who would try to swallow James out of affection for him every time it is sent out of its Poké Ball?) save it from getting a poor rating.

Rating: 3.5/5

#66 - #68: Machop, Machoke & Machamp

Fan art of a brave little Machop.

The following Pokémon are probably the strongest Pokémon in existence. And with that I don't mean that they have the highest attack stats in the game or something.

No, Machop can carry multiple times its own weight with muscles that never tire or cramp. Machoke's muscles are even as hard as steel and it is capable of lifting extremely heavy objects with just one finger. Just imagine what it could do without the freaking belt it is wearing, because that thing regulates Machoke's strength. However, the strength of Machop and Machoke combined is nothing compared to Machamp's. Brace yourselves, because it's gonna get crazy: Machamp can MOVE AN ENTIRE GODDAMN MOUNTAIN WITH JUST ONE HAND!!! Can you imagine a bodybuilder Pokémon of barely five feet tall moving Mount Everest? Well, apparently Machamp can do that. Never mind the five hundred punches per second it can throw at somebody, or the strength with which it swings its foe far over the horizon; it can move a mountain 5,530 times its own height. Now that is a fighting-type Pokémon with an interesting flavor. Machamp is so different from Primeape, who can only start rampaging for absolutely nothing, and Poliwrath, who doesn't even have any distinctive features aside from being able to swim fast. The only downside to Machamp is that it is all brawn and no brains, as it cannot handle delicate work without its four arms becoming tangled and it rushes into action without thinking.

Fan art of a fierce and fearsome Machamp.

Machamp, who can be female despite its name (which is derived from macho, a Spanish term for 'overly masculine' or 'chauvinist'), is a great Pokémon to use competitively. Its 130 base attack nowhere near meets its flavor text, but it is still nothing to sneeze at. Like, at all. Its decent HP and defenses allow him to take a few hits, especially when it is holding an Assault Vest. That is necessary, because Machamp isn't the fastest Pokémon in the world. It comes with at least two great abilities: No Guard, which lets all of Machamp and its opponent's moves land despite move accuracy, and Guts, which boosts its attack stat when it has a status ailment. The first lets Machamp land a Dynamic Punch, which normally has 50% accuracy but always confuses the target when it hits, with no problem at all. That could be handy, as Machamp receives STAB from it, while the confusion can gain him some extra turns. When you run a Guts Machamp, you'd do wise to replace Dynamic Punch with Close Combat and attach a Flame Orb or Toxic Orb to Machamp instead of a Life Orb, Choice Band or Assault Vest. You could keep either of the latter three, but if you do that it won't get a Guts boost until it has a static ailment, which would be completely situational and might not work out in your favor. By giving Machamp a Toxic or Flame Orb, you can poison or burn it (these status conditions only cause a little damage each turn, while the attack drop from the burn is negated because of Guts) and prevent paralysis and sleep.

Such a macho family, innit? From left to right: Machamp (final evo), Machop (basic
stage), and Machoke (middle stage).

Now, as for the moves Machamp learns, there is one weird thing. You see, the Pokédex classifies Machamp and its pre-evolutions as 'Superpower Pokémon', which isn't even a lie; these creatures are crazy strong. The thing is, however, that they cannot learn the move Superpower naturally. They learn a wide arrange of fighting-type moves that perfectly fit them, and ORAS even gave them the dragon-type move Dual Chop to boast about, but to learn Superpower they need the intervention of a Move Tutor. And such a person isn't even present in every core-series game, mind you. Not that Superpower is such a useful move if you have Close Combat on Machamp, but it's such a pity it doesn't learn the one move that really defines it flavor...

Well, whatever. The rest of its movepool consists of much better moves, anyway. First off, you should definitely teach it Knock Off, which deals double its base damage (65) if the opponent is holding an item. That's a clean 130 damage right there. The elemental punches can come in handy as well, but Ice Punch is the handiest due to dragon types. As so many Pokémon, Machamp can learn Earthquake, Poison Jab and Stone Edge, the latter of which is nice in combination with its ability No Guard, as it has fairly low accuracy. As for punching moves, Machamp can learn the fighting-type move Focus Punch, as well as the weaker steel-type move Bullet Punch for priority, but Game Freak are yet to give him Mach Punch (also for priority) and Drain Punch (for some reliable recovery), both of which are fighting-type moves. This is tiring, Game Freak. Do your goddamn job.

Machoke (left) and Machamp (right) trying to build a fragile Pokémon TCG card
house without ruining it with their super strength, while Machop is watching on
Machoke's back. 

The Machop line are an interesting bunch, to say the least. They're probably the most humanoid Pokémon out there, along with Smoochum and Jynx, Hariyama, Hitmonchan, and the Gothita line. Mime players and clowns freak me out, so don't even dare mention Mr. Mime. (Oh shit, now I did that. Just great.) Anyhow, rating this Pokémon wasn't an easy job. I love these Pokémon, but there are so many flaws in their designs (what are the red stripes on Machoke supposed to be, and why doesn't Machamp have them; and why does Machoke have a purplish color, while Machop and Machamp are gray?), and there are so many things in the game that fail to connotate with their flavor texts (like Superpower and those fighting-type punching moves), that I have to deduct at least one star from my original rating. Too bad.

Rating: 3.5/5

#63 - #65: Abra, Kadabra & Alakazam

Official art of the little asshole that is called an Abra.

Argh, this sneaky little motherfucker...

Remember how in Zubat's entry I talked about how much of a nuisance they are to everybody, but that I myself have no problem with those things? Well, there's a Pokémon that does annoy me every fucking time it shows itself: Abra. That is not because they appear so frequently (there is no Pokémon that you will encounter as much as Zubat), but because the goddamn things ALWAYS FLEE WHENEVER I TRY TO CATCH ONE! Not surprising, because Abra is all about teleporting: when it senses danger, which it does by reading minds, it teleports itself to a safer place so quickly that it creates the illusion of having made copies of itself. And by hypnotizing itself, it is able to teleport or use any of its other extrasensory abilities at any time. Abra's telepathic powers tire it immensely though, which results in it sleeping 18 hours a day. Now, here's the thing: before Gen. IV it was next to impossible to catch an Abra, because it only had Teleport, which means you had to toss a Poké Ball at it while it was at full health. There wasn't even time to weaken it, because it would use Teleport to flee from the battle right away. And you never encountered a sleeping Abra; God, no, because that would have been way too easy! Thank God for the introduction of Quick Balls in Gen. IV; with those you can definitely catch an Abra on the first turn.

Kadabra (left) and Alakazam (right) engaged in an exciting game of psychic
chess, while Abra (middle) is watching amusedly.

Once you have it, however, it really pays off. Abra evolves into Kadabra, which even has stronger psychic powers than its pre-evolution: it creates alpha waves that induce headaches and it can cause clocks to run backwards, machines to malfunction, and delicate devices to stop functioning altogether. Kadabra's spoon is the source of its real power though, because Kadabra can double the amplitude of its alpha waves when it's holding its spoon, and can increase it even further by closing its eyes and, perhaps unintentionally, when it feels that it is in danger. In short, Kadabra is a powerful Pokémon with base 120 special attack and base 105 speed, which means that it doesn't need to evolve into Alakazam (but it's a nice bonus when it does). You might not be able to when you're playing all by yourself anyway, because Kadabra evolves by trading it to another game. Unlike Poliwhirl, however, Kadabra isn't required to hold an item while it is traded away.

Rare Candy Treatment had a point with this comic
strip, though...

Better make sure to obtain Alakazam, though, because it is better than Kadabra in any possible way. Well, it is absolutely not strong physically: it has weak muscles, which is why it uses all forms of psychic powers to move its body and hold up its head. That's right, its head is way too heavy for its neck to support, due to its continually growing brain. It is said to remember everything that it has experienced since hatching as an Abra and its IQ is believed to exceed 5,000. That is when it gets weird. I mean, think about it: if Alakazam is so intelligent, WHY HAS IT NEVER BEEN ABLE TO LEARN MORE THAN FOUR BATTLE MOVES IN THE NINETEEN YEARS IT EXISTS??? I am fully aware that it's part of the game mechanics, but come on... It is this kind of inconsistencies that really bugs me sometimes. Even though it is never explicitly mentioned that Alakazam can learn more than four battle moves, the fact that it remembers everything suggests that it cannot forget move it has learned, so having it forget a move for another really goes against what Alakazam is all about. Luckily, though, Game Freak blessed us with a Mega evolution for Alakazam, meaning that Alakazam can hit even harder and faster than it already did. And when I say 'hard', I mean HARD!

Official Sugimori art of Mega Alakazam.

Complete with the weird-ass beard and mustache and a red gem stuck on its forehead, Mega Alakazam looks like a wise elder. It gets three additional spoons on top of the two spoons it already had, which it now levitates in the air, right above its head. While regular Alakazam already has good special attack and speed, Mega Alakazam's base special attack and base speed are 175 and 150, respectively. I dare say that is pretty goddamn excellent, but its HP, attack and defense are still atrocious. Mega Alakazam did get a small boost in its defense, while its special defense is still very decent, but its low HP stat negates all that: it will not be able to eat up more than two hits. Then again, Mega Alakazam is supposed to be a wallbreaker (stop Pokémon who are trying to set up), revenge killer (avenge a fallen teammate) and sweeper. Aside from Psychic and/or Psyshock, the moves it can learn provide for excellent coverage as well, like Shadow Ball, Focus Blast, Energy Ball, Dazzling Gleam and even Signal Beam. Substitute can be used to get initiative, while Encore is handy to shut down set-up Pokémon. Regular Alakazam has the ability Magic Guard, which negates additional damage from things such as entry hazards, held items, status ailments and weather conditions, which can come in handy before you Mega-evolve it into Mega Alakazam.

Uri Geller (depicted) was not amused that his name and image was used to create
the Pokémon Kadabra (Yungerer in Japanese) and sued Nintendo for it.

One fun fact before I move on to my conclusion: the Japanese names of Abra, Kadabra and Alakazam are based on real-life psychics and illusionists. Abra's Japanese name is Casey
(ケーシィ), after Edgar Cayce; Kadabra's Japanese name is Yungerer (ユンゲラー), which is a corruption of Uri Geller; and Alakazam is Foodin (フーディン) in Japanese, which can be spelled as Houdin and is most probably a reference to Jean Eugène Robert-Houdin and/or Harry Houdini. Uri Geller was not amused that a Pokémon was named after him, especially since it is holding a bent spoon (which is clearly a reference to Geller), and sued Nintendo in 2000 for the unauthorized appropriation of his identity. He was of the opinion that Nintendo turned him into an evil, occult Pokémon character, but the judge disagreed with him, resulting in Geller losing the lawsuit.

To sum it all up, Abra and its evolutions have been an interesting bunch since the very beginning of the Pokémon franchise. They started as real powerhouses in Gen. I, when the psyhic type was still broken as fuck, and have gone through some serious changes as a result of Game Freak's attempt to make the psychic type less superior to other types (which they did to dragons by introducing the fairy type in Gen. VI as well) by turning the type match-up chart upside down. Alakazam is still a force to be reckoned with, especially since the boost as a Mega, but I have to be honest and say that this Pokémon has lost a little of its appeal. I still like Alakazam, but I am not giving it a perfect rating by any means.

Rating: 4/5

#60 - #62, #186: Poliwag, Poliwhirl, Poliwrath & Politoed

The round form of Poliwag makes it somewhat cute and cuddly.

Tadpoles, my ass...

Alright then, I'll admit that Poliwag is a tadpole. And quite honestly, it is a creepy tadpole at that, because the spiral pattern on its belly is supposed to represent how the intestines of real-life tadpoles are sometimes seen through their transparent skins. Gross. I'm not particularly fond of slimy amphibian things in the first place, but that gets even worse when their intestines are clearly visible. One could call such a phenomenon fascinating, but I'm not buying it. What I'm also not buying is the whole Poliwhirl-being-a-tadpole thing. You know, when Poliwag evolves into Poliwhirl, the tail disappears and arms and hands (with what are supposedly gloves attached to it) are added, which really makes me think Poliwhirl isn't supposed to be a tadpole anymore, even though it is still a middle-stage Pokémon and the spiral pattern, still resembling intestines, remains. Admittedly, due to their round bodies and big eyes, both Poliwag and Poliwhirl have a somewhat adorable appearance, which might make one argue that both are tadpoles. But I refuse to believe that one of Poliwhirl's final evolutions, Poliwrath, is a tadpole. It's a grown-ass frog, goddammit!

The Gen. I Poliwag evolution line: Poliwag (middle, standing on
top of Poliwhirl's hand), Poliwhirl (left) and Poliwrath (right).

Poliwrath, which can be obtained by exposing Poliwhirl to a Water Stone, doesn't differ all that much from its pre-evolution, but there are several features that will make you go, 'THAT THING IS NOT A GODDAMN TADPOLE!' (Yes, it bothers me; can you tell?) The angry eyes that bulge from its head like a grown frog, for instance. Or its fierce stance. Its muscular body. The arms and the gloved hands. Its weight (119 pounds) and height (4'03"). Its typing. Indeed, on top of its primary water typing, Poliwrath gains the fighting type upon evolution. It even swims faster than the best human champion swimmers and is able to swim back and forth across the Pacific Ocean without much effort. I don't know much about frogs and tadpoles, but tadpoles can't fight and swim like Poliwrath can; that I know for sure. Then again, anything is possible in the Pokémon world, but even when I take that into account I still don't see a tadpole in Poliwrath. I'm sorry that I'm nagging on about this whole tadpole thing, but it bothers me so much that I had to put it out there. If anything, Poliwhirl and Poliwrath are based on glass frogs, a frog species whose organs are - you guessed it - clearly visible through its transparent skin. I still think that's nasty, though.

The entire Poli family: Poliwag (top right, on top of the square-shaped Poké Ball
box Poliwhirl is balancing on its fist), Poliwhirl (right), Poliwrath (back) and
Politoed (left). No, the crown is not naturally a part of Politoed, but a reference to
its status as a king among the Polis as well as its evolution method.

Enough about that; there is another evolution to discuss! That would be Politoed, who couldn't look any more different from Poliwhirl, but does have the most logical evolution if we maintain the whole tadpole-to-frog thing. While obtaining Poliwrath is easy, the method to obtain a Politoed (who is classified as the 'Frog Pokémon' by the Pokédex, thank the heavens above) is a lot more complicated. It requires the item King's Rock, which is not only harder to find in most games, but also doesn't just evolve Poliwhirl into Politoed. You'll have to have Poliwhirl hold the item and trade it to another game of the same generation. That only works if you have two 3DSs or a friend who is willing to trade with you. Poliwhirl may be the first Pokémon we come across that requires trading to evolve it, but it will definitely not be the last. It's an annoying evolution method for sure, especially if you're dependent on a friend who plays Pokémon as well, so the question is, 'Does it pay off?'

Old-ass official art of Politoed.

Why yes, it does. I mean... whether you like Politoed or not is a matter of taste, but it is undeniable a good Pokémon, especially when you have the right ability on it. Water Absorb, which makes Politoed absorb all water-type moves and regain some of its health, is better than Damp, which negates self-destructing moves like Self-Destruct and Explosion completely, but both are situational. Politoed's hidden ability Drizzle, which makes it rain in battle, is what you want for this Pokémon. The rain does not only boost water-type moves, it also decreases the power fire-type moves and extends the charge-up time for moves like Solar Beam. Due to its decent bulk and special attack, Politoed is often used as a support Pokémon in the competitive scene, with support moves like Encore (to lock the opponent in an undesirable move), Toxic or Hypnosis (to badly poison the foe or put it to sleep), Rest (for reliable recovery on Politoed itself) and even Perish Song (to prevent last-minute sweepers from setting up, as this move causes everyone present on the field to faint within three turns). Have it hold a Damp Rock and the rain will last for eight turns instead of five. For in-game purposes, you can go for an all-offensive Politoed. With its nice special attack stat, it can make use of moves like Scald, Surf, Ice Beam, Psychic, Focus Blast and even Mud Bomb (learned as a Poliwhirl), if you really want a ground-type move as coverage.

Official art of Poliwrath by Ken Sugimori.

Poliwrath, on the other hand, is a physical attacker. Prior to X and Y, it wasn't much of a physical attacker though, despite its muscular appearance. Thankfully, it has gotten a boost in its base attack stat, which is now 95. That is not bad to work with. This time, however, one of its regular abilities, Water Absorb, is the best ability to rock out with. Swift Swim, which doubles Poliwrath's speed when it's raining on the field, is a nice ability when you're running a rain team, but otherwise stick with Water Absorb and invest EVs in its HP and defenses to create some bulk. A Choice Band or Life Orb boosts its physical attacks such as Waterfall (STAB), Brick Break (STAB), Rock Slide, Earthquake, Poison Jab and Ice Punch. Focus Punch and Dynamic Punch look cool, but the former only works in combination with Substitute and the latter has terrible accuracy. Circle Throw, which forces the opponent to switch out, can come in handy though, especially if you want to prevent the opponent from setting up. Smogon also suggests a special attacker, but why would you do that if Poliwrath's physical attack and physical movepool is so much better?

It's just a shame that both Poliwrath and Politoed have had to give up some of their speed in exchange for a little extra bulk, which prevents them from really becoming sweepers. That's not a big deal in Politoed's case, because it looks a little bit like a support Pokémon, but Poliwrath looks like it should beat your opponents to hell and back. Believe it or not: despite the whole rant about Poliwrath not being a tadpole and everything, I really like this Pokémon. Politoed as well, even though I don't understand why it differs so much from the other Polis.

Rating Poliwrath: 4.5/5

Rating Politoed: 4/5

#58 - #59: Growlithe & Arcanine

Cute little Growlithe chasing (about to chase?) its tail, as befits
a dog.

One thing I love about Growlithe and Arcanine is that there is so much cute and cool fan art to be found on the Internet. Just insert Growlithe in Google Images and you'll get lots of cute fan art, while Arcanine is mostly depicted as wild, ferocious and dangerous. In my opinion, both are such distinctive Gen. I Pokémon and I like them a lot. I am probably contradicting myself now, because in Meowth and Persian's entry I said that I do not like real-life dogs at all, but fortunately my dislike for dogs does not make me dislike canine Pokémon at all, so I'll be able to go into this review completely unbiased. Having said that, I have to say that Growlithe's characteristics are so... ordinary. It is loyal and obedient and it will bark at, bite and chase away any threats and will defend its Trainer and territory from them. It also has an amazing olfactory sense and never forgets a scent. Except for the fact that Growlithe uses its sense of smell to detect the emotion of others, all of this sounds like it is an ordinary dog, to be honest. That can't be said of Arcanine, who is capable of running 6,200 miles (10,000 kilometers) in 24 fucking hours. Arcanine is admired for its beauty and speed and anyone who hears its bark will grovel before it, hence its classification as the 'Legendary Pokémon', even though, strictly speaking, it isn't a legendary Pokémon by any means. Considering both it and its pre-evo Growlithe are based on Japanese artifacts called shisa or komainu, guardian statues that resemble lions and have traits of dogs and tigers, its classification isn't even that farfetched. To top it all off, the source of its power is a flame blazing wild inside its body.

You can't talk of dog-like features in this case, can you?

Some awesome fan art of Arcanine. These show
the beauty, elegance and strength of Arcanine.

But that is exactly what fan art likes to show you: the beauty, elegance and strength of Arcanine. Strength? Yes, because no matter how you look at it, Arcanine is one of those Pokémon with very balanced stats. Its defenses are decent and it has some nice HP to back them up, its speed is good and it will be even better when it's holding a Choice Scarf, and it is capable of using both attacking stats for some heavy damage. It sits in the UU tier of the competitive scene and despite this tier's name (UU means underused), Arcanine is quite a popular Pokémon. Most people use it as a fast physically offensive sweeper with a moveset consisting of Flare Blitz (be wary, as this move causes recoil damage), Close Combat (to counter one of its weaknesses, which is rock), Wild Charge (to counter another one of its weaknesses, which is water) and Extreme Speed (a Quick Attack on steroids; it's nice to have for some priority) and a hold item like Choice Band, Choice Scarf or Life Orb. You could even ditch an offensive move and throw in Morning Sun for healing purposes. If dragons are a threat, you can teach your Growlithe Outrage, which it learns by level-up, while Crunch, Iron Tail and Iron Head are also viable options for some coverage. These might only be useful for in-game purposes though, because steel is not an overly useful offensive type in the competitive scene - even though it is fantastic defensively. If you want to surprise your opponents, you could rock a specially offensive Arcanine. Its base physical attack (110) is slightly better than its base special attack (100), but the latter is more than usable. The only downside to using a special Arcanine is the lack of special moves. The best it gets are some strong fire-type moves. It also learns Dragon Pulse and some other weaker coverage moves, but those aren't even worth the hassle.

Arcanine vs. Luxray. Some people apparently see Luxray as Arcanine's feline
equivalent, as there is some fan art with these two to be found on the Internet. 

Now, I know that Arcanine was number 25 in my list of favorite Pokémon two years ago, but I think I'm going to reconsider that position. Don't get me wrong; Arcanine is still one of those cool Pokémon that are definitely worth your while, and I totally love the fan art that's made of it. Don't worry though, it will still get a perfect rating from me, especially considering the fact that I am currently using Arcanine in a playthrough (it is such a monster!), but there are other Pokémon I've come to love a lot more than I actually did. Maybe I'll make a top 100 of my favorite Pokémon - just a list with the names of my 100 favorite Pokémon, by the way - after I've rated all 721 Pokémon (that's still quite a while away, though).

Rating: 5/5

#56 - #57: Mankey & Primeape

The wild Mankey who stole Ash's hat in the anime episode
"Primeape Goes Bananas"; season 1, episode 25. Ash would
later catch it (as a Primeape).

Next up on my list are the monkey/pig hybrid things that go by the names of Mankey and Primeape.

Oh wait, the Pokédex says they're 'Pig Monkey Pokémon'.

Details... They're a combination between a monkey and a pig (which is anatomically impossible in real life), so it doesn't really matter whether Mankey and Primeape are called monkey pigs or pig monkeys. You know what I'm talking about either way. And it's still a fact that Mankey are some of the most agressive and short-tempered Pokémon you've ever seen in your life. If one Mankey gets livid, the whole goddamn colony rampages for no reason. Talk about throwing a tantrum. And when a Mankey loses sight of its colony, its loneliness causes it to become infuriated; it begins shaking and its breathing turns rough. That is easily demonstrated by a Mankey that becomes angry with Ash when he tries to catch it, resulting in the Mankey beating up Ash and stealing his hat. Then *blah blah blah* Team Rocket tries to steal Pikachu *blah blah* James kicks Mankey *blah blah* causes it to evolve into Primeape *blah blah blah* beats them up *blah blah* beats up Brock and chases Ash *blah blah blah* Ash's Charmander defeats it and Ash catches it *blah blah* unleashes it on Team Rocket *blah blah*. Y'know, the usual stuff.

Mankey (left) with Ash's first hat balancing on its tail, and Primeape with its
ever-so-recognizable stress mark on the left side of its forehead.

But Mankey are sweet little fluff balls compared to Primeape. The latter's blood circulation becomes more robust when they become furious, which makes their muscles stronger. They go bananas even if someone or something only makes eye contact with them, and they will chase anyone who (or anything that) enrages them. That is also the case with Ash's Primeape, who was mischievous, vicious, extremely violent, out of control all of the time and easily angered. This caused Ash to reconsider using Primeape in battles multiple times, until they came across a man called Anthony and the P1 Grand Prix, a battle tournament in which only fighting-type Pokémon could participate. This competition caused Ash and Primeape to bond a little, but Ash didn't hesitate to leave Primeape with Anthony, who would train Primeape to be a P1 champion.

Fan art of a furious Primeape. 

But these characteristics should result in a capable Pokémon to use in the video games, right? Well, sort of. Its defenses are really mediocre and its HP stat doesn't help either, but its attack and speed are actually quite good. Primeape sits in Smogon's NU tier and its strength and speed can be taken advantage of by giving it a Choice Band or Choice Scarf, which raises its attack or speed by 50%, respectively. In combination with Primeape's ability Anger Point, which maximizes its attack stat when the opponent gets a critical hit on it, it can hit hard and fast. Its hidden ability Defiant, which sharply raises its attack when another stat is lowered, is more reliable though, as the use of Anger Point is somewhat situational. Other items, like a Life Orb, Expert Belt or Black Belt, are viable options as well, especially in combination with Primeape's main STAB move Close Combat (that move does lower its defenses though, so watch out). And with coverage moves such as Earthquake, Stone Edge, Poison Jab, U-Turn (to quickly get out of unfavorable situations), the elemental punches, Gunk Shot, Acrobatics, Seed Bomb and even Iron Tail and Outrage you just can't go wrong; just pick whatever moves you think you might need. An Encore set, which Primeape can use to lock the opponent in the move it last uses, isn't unheard of, either.

I really can't get enough of this beautiful kind of (modified) official art. 

The only thing about Primeape is that, apart from its flavor as a short-tempered and violent monkey, it doesn't really stand out in comparison with other fighting types. Stronger, bulkier fighting-type Pokémon like Machamp, Hariyama and Conkeldurr are often used in favor of Primeape, even though the former three are much slower. Its design, although it will always be a crossbreed between a pig and a monkey, isn't all that interesting compared to other Pokémon (not just fighting types), either. I don't hate it though, and using it in a playthrough would be interesting... I think. Either way, I don't hate Primeape and it doesn't deserve a bad rating. It'll be far from a perfect rating, but I would think 3.5 stars is good enough!

Rating: 3.5/5