#515 - #516: Panpour & Simipour

I could've been done with this review already if I hadn't decided to post my top 7 favorite Pokémon generations instead. Let's get this over with, shall we?

See no evil.

Panpour follows the same pattern as Pansage and Pansear in the sense that it is based on the same concept of "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil", a Japanese proverb used to describe people that turn a blind eye - as well as a closed mouth and a deaf ear, while we're at it - to things that are considered even slightly inappropriate. Panpour and its evolution Simipour represent the 'see no evil' part of this proverb, which is kind of obvious considering they're continuously depicted with closed eyes. However, Simipour also continues the premise that the evolved forms of the elemental monkeys are based on Japanese delinquents and failed their assigned roles as wise monkeys. While Simisage's design contains aspects of the yankii culture and Simisear's is based on bōsōzoku, Simipour derives certain elements of its design from 'kogal', the anglicized form of kogyaru, which involves school girls wearing an outfit based on their uniform - only with shortened skirts, loose socks, dyed hair and a ton of make-up. Kogyaru are assumed to care only about their looks (hence why Simipour failed to see no evil) and are considered vain and shallow, while the modern school girls' uniform has come to be percived as the dress code for promiscuity, easiness, greed and stupidity. Lastly, Simipour's chest fur resembles a volcano - much like the fur on Simisear's shoulders resembles smoke or steam and its entire design indicates that it is based on an active volcano - and may have possibly been based on geysers, the froth of a gushing waterfall, subaqueous volcanoes and cryovolcanoes, the latter of which erupts volatiles such as water, ammonia or methane instead of molten rock.

Unfortunately, Panpour and Simipour's flavor text doesn't seem to be all that exciting: Panpour's only mention that its geyser-shaped tuft contains water that is full of nutrients, while Simipour's mention that it replenishes its tuft by siphoning up water with its tail, which can shoot powerful pressurized blasts of water that can demolish a concrete wall.

3D art of Simipour.

Also, when you look at the foreign names of the elemental monkeys, Game Freak don't seem to be able to settle on which monkey these Pokémon are based on. Their Japanese names keep it fairly general and just contain the words 'ape' and 'monkey', but the French names of the basic forms - being Pansage, Pansear and Panpour - all contain the word sapajou ('capuchin monkey'), while their evolutions are apparently based on orangutans. The German names of the pre-evos are derived from Makak, which means 'macaque', the type of monkey that the wise monkeys from the Japanese proverb are usually depicted as. The prefix pan- from their English names is based on the genus name for chimpanzees, however, which the German names for the fully evolved forms seem to back: Cheeta, sometimes billed as Chita, is a chimp character who appeared in numerous Tarzan movies from the 1930s to the 1960s as the ape sidekick of Tarzan himself. This whole name origin thing is thoroughly confusing, and I wish Game Freak had paid a little more attention when naming the elemental monkeys. It is literally not that difficult to have them based on the one and the same kind of monkey/ape, especially since they don't look like hybrids in the first place.

Despite being fully evolved, these elemental monkeys don't seem
to have matured much. 

The only thing left to discuss is Simipours competitive viability, and I have to say that... well, its as bad as its contemporaries. As water is a great offensive typing mainly specializing in special moves, I wouldn't even recommend using Simipour as a physical attacker; I'd go with Scald, Focus Blast, Ice Beam and Nasty Plot instead. Perhaps you could get rid of the unreliable Focus Blast and give it Grass Knot or Substitute, but that's about it, basically. A physical set is possible, as Simipour learns Aqua Tail and Waterfall - as well as quite a few coverage moves such as Crunch, Brick Break, Throat Chop, Gunk Shot, Rock Slide, Ice Punch, Acrobatics, Superpower, Knock Off and Iron Tail - and hits hard whenever it's holding a Choice Band, but a special set is generally better because Ice Beam is considered one of the best coverage moves in the game and Scald has a chance to burn the foe. Of course, you should give it a Timid nature rather than a Jolly nature when going with a special set, but that's a given by now. Simipour should be holding a Life Orb at all times (remember: the Choice Specs don't work in combination with Nasty Plot), as this item has proved to be more than effective in the competitive scene... but personally, I wouldn't waste it on any of the elemental monkeys. I'd give it to a more useful water-type Pokémon; there are plenty of them to be found in the games, anyway.

Panpour (left), Pansage (middle) and Pansear (right), holding what seem to be
little figurines or dolls of themselves. I'm including this because I think it's cute.

That doesn't mean you can't use Simisage, Simisear or Simipour in a playthrough, however. I've used them all at least once, and they're fast and strong and get the job done perfectly. Design-wise, Simisage is my favorite and Simisear my least favorite, so I'll rank Simipour somwhere in the middle. All of the elemental monkeys have something charming about them, and I really don't understand why so many people seem to despise them. Unova is great, y'all.

Rating: 4/5

My personal top 7 Pokémon generations

July 18th, 2018

While this blog is mainly dedicated to reviewing and rating all existing Pokémon, I sometimes put out some miscellaneous articles that have little or nothing to do with the Pokémon themselves and more so with the franchise as a whole. Aside from the very first post, which served to introduce this blog to my readers, the other two articles were game reviews of Pokémon Sun and Moon and Pokémon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon, respectively. I guess you could say this article is also a 'game review' of some sort, because today I present to you my top 7 favorite Pokémon generations, and those who have read my review for Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon will remember exactly - or not - what this list looks like. However, in this article I am going to give actual reasons and arguments for the placing of certain generations in my list. I am fully aware that we are living in a trigger-happy society, but please don't get mad at me for not liking (certain aspects of) your favorite generation. This is my list and I write whatever the fuck I want about whatever the fuck I want to write about in the first fucking place; it's called an opinion for a reason and you don't have to agree with mine by any means, but please be civil about it if you decide to leave a comment about how butthurt you are.

Without further ado, though, let's get this motherfucker started.

#7: Generation 1 (Red, Blue & Yellow)
Oh boy, am I going to piss off a bunch of Genwunners with this one. Look, I was born in 1990. I got into the Pokémon anime when I was 8 years old and played my first Pokémon game two years later, when I got a Game Boy Color and Pokémon Silver to go with it. I didn't get a chance to play Pokémon Red and Blue until a couple of years later, and they honestly sucked ass. The graphics are shit (seriously, have you seen the Pokémon's sprites?), the story is basically nonexistent, a lot of moves and other gameplay mechanics are broken as fuck or don't work the way they're supposed to, and the games overall are a glitchy mess. There is nothing fun about being trapped by Wrap, Clamp or Fire Spin and being prevented from doing anything at all until your opponent uses another move or misses; there is nothing fun about your opponent not being required to recharge from Hyper Beam just because they knocked out one of your Pokémon with it in the previous turn; there is nothing fun about getting critted one turn after another just because the opposing Pokémon is faster than yours; there is nothing fun about your game having a chance to freeze just because you caught a glitch Pokémon that has the honest-to-goodness bird type; and there is nothing fun about an opponent getting its original speed stat back and subsequently having it doubled by a single Agility after the speed loss by the paralysis you inflicted on it (same goes for Swords Dance and burn), because that is absolutely ridiculous. Hell, what's the fun in doing any of these things yourself? Also, all moves have a chance to miss regardless of their accuracy, some type match-ups are totally fucked up (making the psychic type stupidly overpowered), and you can actually fail at throwing a goddamn Poké Ball.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Those are only a few examples, though; there are over two dozen other problems that plague Red, Blue and Yellow and they all equally make you want to facepalm. Sure, Pokémon Red and Blue - Green in Japan - were the first Pokémon games ever and I don't think Game Freak and Nintendo had anticipated the amount of popularity Pokémon would receive and keep receiving in subsequent years, but that is not an excuse to defend such bad games even to the point that it gets annoying (yes, I am looking at you, Genwunners). The only redeeming factors are the roster of Pokémon - while not the best in any way, shape or form, there is no denying that the likes of Pikachu, Charizard, Lapras, Mewtwo, Snorlax, Eevee, Arcanine, Alakazam and many more classics still have a huge impact on the lives of many children and adults around the world - as well as the characters, who have become staples of the franchise in the years after their initial introduction. But in the end, Gen. I has not aged well at all. Red, Blue and Yellow are utterly terrible games, and to this day, they're the only main games that I genuinely dislike.

#6: Generation 3 (Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, FireRed & LeafGreen)
From this point on, I actually like the main series games discussed here... albeit to some extent, in this case. Ruby and Sapphire looked nice enough and worked fine, while the Hoenn region felt very complete and detailed, but I can't help but feel that the games were lacking something. Until a couple of years ago, it didn't dawn on me that it was actually the story that was kind of ridiculous: Team Magma's Maxie wants more land in order for humans to develop technologically and intellectually, so he summons Groudon to evaporate the oceans, while Team Aqua's Archie wants more water in order for Pokémon to freely roam about and summons Kyogre to flood the mainland. Bitch, what? Archie and Maxie's motives are weak and their actions make no sense at all, and all that bullshit was a poor attempt from Game Freak to create a story with different villains than Team Rocket. However, I think the abduction of Pokémon by a criminal orginisation led by a mob boss - or even the goons from said crime syndicate trying to do everything in their power to get their leader back after he got his ass handed to him by a 10-year-old - is more plausible than a bunch of geo-terrorists who want to vaporize the seas or inundate the land masses by summoning some wacky-ass legendary Pokémon.

Dude, if you want a flood, just melt the fucking ice caps.

Then Emerald came along, and boy, does that game annoy the shit out of me. Not only does this game combine the two villanous teams to create a story that makes even less sense than Ruby and Sapphire's, it also includes a ton of Double Battles with random Trainers that you come across along your journey. It is simply irritating. And as I played through Omega Ruby again a few months ago, I realized that IGN was right and that there is indeed too much water to be found in Hoenn, and anybody who knows me knows I despise water routes. As for Pokémon FireRed and LeafGreen, these games are a massive improvement compared to their originals, but the upgraded graphics and better gameplay mechanics cannot hide the fact that the Kanto region is pretty toothless, and the story even more so.

Of course, there are a lot more redeeming factors to the third generation than there are to the first, and the most important one is the Pokémon roster. I wasn't a fan of most of the new Pokémon when I first played through Ruby and Sapphire, but I have definitely come to appreciate a lot of them over the years, even though Hoenn is still home to some of my least favorite Pokémon, such as Spinda, Castform, Luvdisc and - the worst Pokémon of all time - Pelipper. And while natures and abilities were initially confusing to me, as my knowledge of the English language was very limited at the time Ruby and Sapphire were released, it cannot be denied that they have become very important features in the Pokémon franchise and are here to stay until the whole thing ends. Even the current IV/EV system was introduced in Gen. III and allowed for a more competitive approach to Pokémon.

#5: Generation 6 (X, Y, Omega Ruby & Alpha Sapphire)
Listen, I actually loved the hell out of X and Y when they first came out. Only five years ago, the 3D graphics and Pokémon models were just goddamn phenomenal. Kalos is pretty, its rich history of war and conflict is fascinating, and Lumiose City is the largest - and arguably the best - city in the entire franchise. Gameplay-wise, the fairy type has become crucial to the current competitive landscape as well as the entire fucking franchise, and Mega evolutions have had quite the impact as well. They're not as prevalent in competitive now as they were two or three years ago, as only a select group of Pokémon can actually Mega-evolve and Z-Crystals have basically taken over for now, but currently I don't see Game Freak getting rid of them.

Now that Sun and Moon and even Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon are out, however, X and Y have lost a bit of their charm. While you could argue they have a huge replay factor due to the characters and the region, there is just no use in picking up X or Y while you can play an even prettier game on the 3DS. And in hindsight, there are some glaring issuess X and Y have that I'd like to address. The first involves the small roster of new Pokémon, which feels rather underwhelming with only 72 additions, and on top of that there are some Gen. VI Pokémon that didn't quite meet their expectations. Sure, some Megas could be used during the main story, but most them could only be acquired post-game, which basically defeats the purpose of putting them in, anyway. Why not make them gradually obtainable throughout the main story? Speaking of which, X and Y are fairly lacking in that regard. While I like how much history Kalos has, Team Flare is kinda dumb and their arc could have been executed a lot less poorly than it was. Strangely enough, I understand Lysandre's motives and actions (not that I approve of them), but there is some poor writing involved and by this time narrative slip-ups can hardly be excused anymore.

Also, can anybody shut that bitch Shauna up, please and thank you?

One other reason why Gen. VI is so low on the list is that there aren't any enhanced versions of X and Y, as Nintendo and Game Freak did absolutely nothing with Zygarde and went straight for remakes of Ruby and Sapphire. Granted, those games are what fans had been asking for for a while, and I enjoyed them as much as the next person, but I got a little salty when Game Freak put their half-assed attempt to give Zygarde some attention in Sun and Moon instead of a different game under the Gen. VI umbrella.

#4: Generation 2 (Gold, Silver & Crystal)
I heavily debated putting these games on the #3 spot, but in the end I simply cannot look at these games without nostalgia goggles on - and without them, they would be even lower on the list. Like I mentioned earlier, Pokémon Silver was the first Pokémon game I played on a handheld console, which is the reason why I still love Lugia so much. Gold and Silver aren't even that bad graphic-wise, as they are a massive improvement compared to their dreadful predecessors, even though some sprites are completely off - Raikou and Sneasel, for example. A lot - if not all - of the mechanical issues that Red and Blue had are completely gone, though, and it seems like the creators knew these games were going to be immensely popular and put a lot more effort into them as a result. While the Team Rocket story in the Gen. II games isn't all that engaging, watching the villains do everything they can to get their beloved leader to come back and lead them again is more entertaining than their original story. Also, Johto has a very historical feel to it, especially in Ecruteak City, while the Kanto post-game is no less than phenomenal and the final battle with Red is iconic.

Unfortunately, out of the 100 'new' Pokémon pretty much 10% are baby Pokémon. Breeding wasn't really necessary in this generation at all and I think it would have been better if Game Freak had introduced this mechanic in Gen. III alongside natures, abilities and the current IV/EV system. However, baby Pokémon are by far the most redundant Pokémon in the franchise ever; with literally just a few exceptions (Magby and Pichu; I don't regard Togepi and Riolu as baby Pokémon), I hate or dislike them all. Also, a couple of the Pokémon introduced in Gold and Silver - like the Houndour line, the Larvitar line and Skarmory - aren't available in Johto at all and can only be caught in Kanto at a relatively low level, after defeating the Elite 4 and the Champion. It really doesn't make sense, because I don't see any reason why these Pokémon would be native to Kanto other than the fact it makes them harder to obtain. It also makes the selection of good Johto Pokémon to use during a playthrough very limited, which means you'll probably have to resort to using at least one or two Gen. I Pokémon on your team - if not more. Still, I think Gold, Silver and Crystal have aged a lot better than Red, Blue and Yellow, even though they have their fair share of flaws and they're nowhere near as perfect as their remakes, which I will talk about in the next section of this list.

#3: Generation 4 (Diamond, Pearl, Platinum, HeartGold & SoulSilver)
First off, I am going to mention the two things that bother me about Diamond and Pearl. Aesthetically, the Sinnoh region looks very limited and pretty much the same all throughout, and while it is just distinctive enough to determine where the fuck I am, I don't feel like there is all that much variety to be found in Sinnoh except for the major cities. Diamond and Pearl are also terribly slow-paced; there are areas in the game that slow you down significantly (like the mist-covered Route 210 and the snowy routes leading to Snowbelle City), sometimes there are large chunks in the main story where absolutely nothing noteworthy happens and you're just left to explore route after route after route (between Eterna City and Veilstone City, as well as all of the routes leading to Pastoria City), and it feels like an eternity before the entire battle screen is finally loaded, not to mention that the long move animations and slowly decreasing health bars make battles even longer than absolutely necessary.

Having said that, it must be mentioned that the story - while a little bit over the top - is engaging and much better thought-out than Ruby, Sapphire and definitely Emerald's, and Cyrus is a cunning leader of this generation's villainous team, Team Galactic. Sometimes it's hard to pinpoint what exactly Cyrus is on about, but it is obvious we're dealing with a very asocial and troubled young man who feels rejected by his parents. As a result, he decided that emotions are the source of strife in the world and that eliminating them would be the end of wars and conflicts. The roster of Pokémon is also one of the better ones, with two of my favorite starters (Empoleon and Torterra), my all-time favorite Pokémon in existence (Luxray), some solid steel types (Lucario, Bronzor/Bronzong, Heatran, Dialga) and a whole bunch of evolutions of old Pokémon all residing here. It's a shame most of these evolutions weren't available in Diamond and Pearl until post-game, but Platinum fixed a lot of the things plaguing Diamond and Pearl, which is one of the reasons why it's such a fan favorite. Adding a whole segment revolving around Giratina and the Distortion World really helped, too, as an alternate dimension in which the normal laws of physics are disobeyed is something Game Freak and Nintendo hadn't done before - at least not to my knowledge.

Functionally, Diamond and Pearl were the very first Pokémon games in the core series that ran on the Nintendo DS system, and the touch screens made for a whole new playing experience. I'm actually sad to see the current battle interface leaving when the new games for the Nintendo Switch come out, but it was fun while it lasted. What isn't going anywhere, though, is the physical/special split, which determines whether a move is special or physical based on what they do instead of their type. We're used to Crunch being physical and Dark Pulse being special, but at the time the physical/special split was introduced it was one of the welcomest additions to any Pokémon game ever. It was ridiculous that a move being special or physical was determined by the type of the move, which meant Hitmonchan couldn't use Fire Punch, Ice Punch and Thunder Punch effectively because they were all special moves! It made no sense, and the physical/special split finally added a whole lot of much-needed logic to the franchise and made a bunch of Pokémon actually viable in battle - I mean, some Pokémon got the short end of the stick (*cough* Sceptile *cough*), but there's always casualties in love and war.

Last but not least, HeartGold and SoulSilver really tickle my nostalgia bone and are a definite improvement of the originals. Game Freak and Nintendo even added the Suicune story from Pokémon Crystal to these games, yet even now it doesn't feel crammed in. HeartGold and SoulSilver take all of the things that make the originals so good in the first place and improve on them, even adding some nifty new features that make the games feel more complete. The cherry on top is that these games run on Gen. IV mechanics (duh!), which means the presence of a bottom screen as well as the divine physical/special split. HeartGold and SoulSilver check all the right boxes and they're easily among my top 5 Pokémon games of all time.

#2: Generation 7 (Sun, Moon, Ultra Sun & Ultra Moon)
I already posted extensive reviews of both of the Gen. VII installments - for reference, you can find them here and here - so I'll be keeping this section short and sweet.

Goddamn, what is not to like about Sun and Moon and their enhanced versions? The story is amazing, while the characters feel incredibly fleshed out and have a lot more involvement in the storyline than characters in previous games; grid-based movement is done away with entirely and is replaced by a much more refined system; the Pokémon introduced in these games - including the regional variants and Ultra Beasts - have better designs, have better or more interesting gimmicks and are generally better in the competitive scene than a lot of the Pokémon released in Gen. VI; trials, Trial Captains, Totem Pokémon and Kahunas replace the Gym system from previous games and are fresh and welcome new additions to the franchise; features like side quests, Pokémon Refresh, Poké Pelago and Trainer customization make for a fun playing experience; and the games are a true visual treat. Alola is beautiful and remarkably diverse, and Z-Moves - while overpowered - look fantastic.

The biggest issue is the hand-holding in the beginning of the games, but they're a breeze once all of the tutorials are over and done with. There are some more minor flaws, but they're few and far between and don't matter all that much. All Game Freak had to do is make some much-needed changes and implement them in Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon, and that is exactly what they did. Gen. VII is almost flawless, and they would have been #1 if it wasn't for just one absolutely perfect generation.

#1: Generation 5 (Black, White, Black 2 & White 2)
I've seen a lot of comments by many adult Pokémon fans that they had left the franchise for a while and skipped Gen. IV in its entirety, only to return when Gen. V came out. Pokémon has been a part of my life since I was 8 (I'm 28 now) and I have never even considered leaving Pokémon behind, but Black and White did make me fall in love with the franchise all over again. Because only new Pokémon - some of them clearly Gen. I rip-offs, yet totally different - can be caught until the storyline reaches a climax, the games feel like a reboot of the series. Not that I'm complaining, because the Gen. V batch of Pokémon is absolutely the best in the entire franchise; there is literally not a single Pokémon from the fifth generation that I hate or dislike, not even the likes of Garbodor, Vanilluxe, Basculin, Stunfisk or Alomomola, just to name a few universally hated Pokémon. Even if you want to compose a good team consisting of Unova Pokémon that do not receive so much hate, there are dozens of options for you to choose from: Golurk, Sawsbuck, Chandelure, Zebstrika, Braviary, Ferrothorn, Gigalith, Scolipede, Darmanitan, Zoroark, Samurott, Serperior, Haxorus, Klinklang... they're all so incredibly good, and that's only a select few!

Back in 2011, Black and White felt new, fresh and unique, not in the last place because of the region. Unova is absolutely stunning and is home to some of the most diverse places in the franchise. One moment you're running through lush woodlands, the next you're crossing a gigantic bridge traversing a highway just to enter a true metropolis in the form of Castelia City and continue on to conquer a desert area where a sandstorm is brewing. Unova is vibrant; it's full of life, history and color, and a big part of that is due to the changing of the seasons. The Gen. V games are the only ones that contain the season system in the first place (every real-life month the season changes), and a result of that is that Twist Mountain and Icirrus City are covered in snow in the winter and certain areas are a vivacious red-and-orange in the fall. Even without the seasons there are places that look pretty, despite being rocky and colorless, like Chargestone Cave.

And I haven't even discussed the gameplay features yet. Black and White are the first games in which the models of Pokémon on the battle screen are constantly moving, which makes for a more lively battling experience. Also, I think that competitive battling really took off with this generation, although I could be wrong and I'd like you to correct me if I am. Heck, Black 2 and White 2 even introduced the Pokémon World Tournament, which is still one of the better in-game competitive tournaments to date. Oh man, Black 2 and White 2... everybody thought we would get Pokémon Gray or something, and then Game Freak gave us full-on sequels. Madness! The story is not as strong as the one in Black and White - the latter of which asks tough questions about the ethics of keeping Pokémon contained in man-made balls, makes you think, draws you in, gives clear motive and gives you insight into the feelings and thoughts of enemies and friends/allies alike - but at least they get the job done. However, the original Black and White make their point across so perfectly, and their story is hands down the best I have seen in any Pokémon game so far. Black 2 and White 2 lightly elaborate on it, but those games mainly serve to show off new areas in Unova, give us insight into the lives of the characters we've come to know and love two years after the events of Black and White and introduce new and unforgettable characters like Colress. We even got Pokéstar Studios, which is by far the dumbest thing to have happened to Gen. V, but if that's literally the only thing I'm whining about...

I absolutely love this masterpiece of a generation and I'm sure it will always be my favorite. Ignore the ranking in my review of Pokémon Sun and Moon; I was just awestruck by how beautiful those games were, until I realized they weren't quite that flawless. Gen. V will always have the best Pokémon, best story, best gameplay mechanics, best characters and... well, I was about to say 'best graphics', but even I think that's disputable. Heh. I guess this generation is not so perfect after all.

#513 - #514: Pansear & Simisear

Simisear ranked last in the Japanese Pokémon general election 720 poll to decide what would be distributed at Japanese showings of Pokémon the Movie: Volcanion and the Mechanical Marvel, so I guess it's safe to say that it was effectively voted the (Japanese) fandom's least favorite Pokémon, right? The fact that the elemental monkeys - barring Pansage, for some reason - all ended up in the bottom 100 of this big list is a testament to their joint unpopularity, and it's just... unwarranted.

All of the elemental monkeys depicted together, with Pansear
and Simisear in the middle.

Having said that, Simisear might just be the silliest-looking elemental monkey, with its sassy stance and that goofy look on its face. There's a reason for that, though. Its appearance of wearing a fur jacket and fingerless gloves - as well as its hands being outstretched like it's gripping a pair of handlebars - are reminiscent of traits of bōsōzoku, a Japanese youth subculture associated with customized motorcycles. Like Simisage and Simipour, Simisear is based on the Japanese tale of the three wise monkeys that together form the embodiment of the proverbial principle of "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil", which is used to refer to people who choose to ignore inappropriate things when they see them and even got its own (quite popular) emojis to be used on a variety of social media platforms. However, the idea is that Simisage, Simisear and Simipour failed their assigned roles as wise monkeys; and as bōsōzoku gangs often like to remove the mufflers on their vehicles so that more noise is produced and people start complaining about noise pollution, it is obvious that Simisear is supposed to have failed to hear no evil. Even the names of Pansear and Simisear, with the suffix -sear being derived from 'to sear' as well as 'ear' or 'to hear', are direct references to the 'three wise monkeys' motif all elemental monkeys share with each other. And is it me, or are Simisear's ears larger than Simisage and Simipour's...?

Hear no evil.

But wait, what about Pansear? Well, its Pokédex entries only mention it living in volcanic cave and roasting berries with its tuft, which can reach temperatures of up to 600°F whenever it is angered - not the hottest I've seen in flavor texts of fire-type Pokémon so far. Simisear doesn't fare that much better: while bōsōzoku also like to engage in reckless driving, street races and getting into fights that may or may not include weapons, no such behavior is spoken of in Simisear's Pokédex entries, unlike Simisage's foul temper being derived from the yankii subculture. Simisear just likes to eat sweet foods in order to sustain the flame flickering inside its body, and it scatters embers from its head and tail to sear opponents or whenever it gets excited. I actually think this is far from exciting, and its competitive usage honestly does nothing to improve that. Simisear is pretty much the same as Simisage in that regard, with good offensive stats and speed as well as mediocre defenses, and the only difference being its fire type. Most of the fire type moves it has access to are special-based, and a Nasty Plot set supported by Fire Blast, Grass Knot and Focus Blast was a 'common' set to use prior to Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon, but ever since you can breed the move Flare Blitz onto Simisear it is better to just run a physical set on it, especially with its superior physical coverage movepool.

Its moveset - accompanied by a Jolly nature and either a Life Orb or a Choice Band as a held item - should indeed consist of Flare Blitz, Knock Off (Crunch and Throat Chop might be more reliable in the end), Superpower and Gunk Shot, which is the same as Simisage's aside from the elemental move specific to its type. Rock Slide is unfortunately not as compatible with Simisear as it is with Simisage, although it is an option, and Acrobatics could come in handy when your own item is knocked off. Be wary with Flare Blitz, though, as it deals a significant amount of recoil damage to Simisear.

Here is a picture of Simisage in TCG, because there is literally nothing else I can
use for this blog. Good fan art of this thing is incredibly scarce. 

While I'm aware that I seem to be more critical of Simisear than of Simisage, this simply isn't true. Admittedly, I love Simisage a whole lot more than its contemporaries, but competitively Simisage is as bad as Simisear and I'd rather use something else in such a 'professional' environment. It's better to use the monkeys in a normal playthrough - although maybe not all three at the same fucking time - and have fun with them as you proceed through the story. Design-wise, I like Simisear even better than Infernape, the other fire-type monkey, but its strangely shaped lower body prevents me from giving it a higher rating overall. I just don't have the same love for it as I do for Simisage, and even Simipour is slightly better design-wise. Still, 3,5 stars isn't so bad at all for a Pokémon that is universally being hated upon.

Rating: 3.5/5

#511 - #512: Pansage & Simisage

The Striaton City Gym Leaders with their elemental monkeys.
From left to right: Cress (from 'watercress') with his water-type
monkey Panpour, Chili with his fire-type monkey Pansear, and
Cilan (from 'cilantro', which is what Americans call coriander)
with his grass-type monkey Pansage.

Holy crap, why does everybody despise these monkeys so much? I mean, I know Pansage, Pansear and Panpour aren't the most original Pokémon in the franchise, but Gen. V basically served as a sort of reboot of the series and a couple of elemental monkeys was Game Freak's brave attempt to teach new and inexperienced players the basics of the type system. While the first Gym usually revolved around rock types prior to Black and White (Brock in Gen. I, Roxanne in Gen. III, and Roark in Gen. IV), the Striaton City Gym had no fewer than three Gym Leaders and you had to fight the one who had the elemental monkey with a type advantage over your starter Pokémon. However, there's an area next to Striaton City called the Dreamyard, where an NPC would give you the elemental monkey that was strong against the one of the Gym Leader you had to fight. More complex type advantages were yours to figure out as the game progressed, but it was a great way to introduce this basic concept to people who were new to the franchise. Of course, this has more to do with gameplay mechanics and less with the designs and origins of the monkeys in question, but even then there are Pokémon that are far worse than Pansage, Pansear and Panpour and their evolutions, so I'm wondering whether the hate for them is justified even a little bit.

Even though Simisage is a grass type, it does look the most
intimidating compared to its counterparts.

I guess the biggest issue most Pokémon fans have with the three elemental monkeys - well, six, but there are three evolutionary lines - is that they're basically the same Pokémon, design-wise and competitively. The fans aren't entirely wrong: Simisage, Simisear and Simipour all have the same base stats and pretty much the same movepool, aside from the different elemental attacks specific to their types. Simisage, the grass-type monkey, therefore works the same way as its elemental counterparts, only with other weaknesses, resistances and type advantages. I don't know if I would recommend Simisage in a competitive setting, because it's quite frail and not very strong, but its base 98 attacking stats aren't so bad you can't do anything with them and its base 101 speed makes it pretty fast. It's better to use it in-game and give it the best physical attacks possible, especially since its special movepool is quite lacking, but I guess a Life Orb or Choice Scarf set with a Jolly nature should do the trick... for a while. Seed Bomb is a strong physical grass-type attack that will hit anything that doesn't resist it quite hard, Gunk Shot is handy to have for fairy types and other grass types, Knock Off is never bad as it gets rid of a foe's item aside from Mega Stones and Z-Crystals (although Crunch or Throat Chop might be more reliable in the end), and Superpower - as well as Low Kick and Brick Break - is a nifty fighting-type move that deals with steel types. Should you have a need for it, Simisage also learns Iron Tail, Rock Slide and Acrobatics, the latter being a base 55 move that gets doubled if the user isn't holding any item.

As for abilities, all of the elemental monkeys get Gluttony as their regular ability, although they could get the starters' signature abilities as their hidden ability depending on their type. As Simisage won't be holding any berry to use up prematurely anytime soon, Overgrow - which boosts grass-type moves by 50% whenever Simisage's HP is at 33% or lower - is the preferred ability here.

Speak no evil.

However, I don't agree with the fans when they say the elemental monkeys all look the same. Sure, it is obvious some design aspects of Pansage and Simisage were reused in Pansear, Simisear, Panpour and Simipour's designs, but this was done to all make them heavily associated as a group. The fact of the matter is that the three evolutionary lines all have different color schemes, hairstyles and flavor texts, which is exactly why I'm reviewing them separately. Even Latias and Latios, who are frickin' legendary Pokémon, look more alike than the elemental monkeys do. They do all share the same origins, though, as they are based on the Japanese tale of the three wise monkeys that together embody the proverbial principle of "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil", often used to refer to those who deal with impropriety by turning a blind eye. Pansage and Simisage are based on the latter, which becomes apparent when you look at their names: the suffix -sage is probably derived from the German word sagen, meaning 'to say', although 'sage' may as well refer to a type of plant or a wise person, the latter possibly relating to the 'three wise monkeys' motif all elemental monkeys share.

Simisage looking ready to kick someone's ass.

But the idea here is that Simisage, Simisear and Simipour all failed their assigned roles as wise monkeys, with Simisage failing to speak no evil, which is why it is suggested that they are all modeled after Japanese delinquents. I'll talk about the other two later this month, but Simisage seems to be based on yankii (indeed derived from 'yankee'), a Japanese subculture and suburban youth movement that embraces American trashiness, hence Simisage's pompadour haircut and appearance of wearing a leather jacket. Loud, rude and foul-mouthed, yankii openly reject the rigidity of societal norms and welcome rebellion and class distinction, which is probably why Simisage also looks the most like a ruffian compared to Simisear and Simipour and why it is definitely my favorite of the three.

Pansage starts out innocent enough, as it often offers other Pokémon the leaves on its head, which have the power to alleviate exhaustion and relieve stress. Upon evolving into Simisage by use of a Leaf Stone, it grows ill-tempered and fights by swinging its thorn-covered tail around wildly, while the leaves that grow on its crest become incredibly bitter. Oh Pansage, where did you go wrong?

3D art of Simisage.

While I have to admit that Simisear and Simipour look quite silly, it is not really the reason why I love Simisage so much more. I've actually quite bonded with Simisage when I did a grass mono-type playthrough of Pokémon Y, to be honest. I nicknamed my Pokémon after characters from The Walking Dead, but as my Chespin was a lady, it was the Pansage I caught shortly after the start of my adventure who got named Rick and actually carried the team through the entire game. It was a true leader. But the most important reason why I love Simisage so much is that I think it just has a better design overall. Like I said before, it looks more like a ruffian and less like a goofy caricature than its elemental counterparts do, and its intimidating looks make it look cool in some way. Goofiness has its charm, but in this case the cool kid takes the trophy home.

Rating: 5/5

#509 - #510: Purrloin & Liepard

Conveniently enough, the dog and cat Pokémon of the fifth generation can be found back to back in the Unova Pokédex, but the deceptive and miscreant Purrloin and its evolution Liepard couldn't differ any more from the timid and trustworthy Lillipup and its evolutions Herdier and Stoutland even if they wanted to, which I think is doubtful at best.

For some stupid-ass reason, Purrloin is always seen standing
upright in media other than its official art and Gen. V in-game
sprites.

You see, Purrloin is all about getting its victims to let their guard down by putting up a cute act so that it can steal their possessions, just to see the looks on their faces. Due to its charm, it is even forgiven easily when it is caught in the act, so it probably doesn't even see a reason to change its behavior anytime soon. It's just the nature of the beast. Even most of its names across the globe are a play on the word 'steal' - or a synonym thereof - and Páshǒumāo (扒手貓), literally 'pickpocket cat', is by far the most ingenious. Meow. It's a shame Purrloin's felonious nature is dropped when it evolves into Liepard, who gets more of a generic wildcat flavor. As it could draw inspiration from leopards and possibly other spotted wildcats like the leopard cat, ocelot, serval and even the black panther due to it being a dark type and having a dark coloration, it is unsurprising that Liepard's beautiful and slender physical characteristics are at the center of its Pokédex entries. Many Trainers are drawn to its fur and its beautiful form, the latter of which comes from the muscles it has developed and allows it to to run silently in the night, stealthily sneaking up on its target and striking from behind before its victim has a chance to react. It's even been known to vanish and reappear without a warning.

No need to act all haughty, Liepard. What's the problem,
didn't your Trainer provide you the right brand of cat food?

But however cunning Liepard may be, you know you're having a hard time in the competitive scene as an unscrupulous and merciless dark-type cat when you're easily outclassed by a timid and loyal normal-type dog. While Stoutland isn't fast, it is at least able to take a hit and retaliate appropriately, but the only redeeming quality Liepard has is its speed. Its base 88 attacking stats aren't the worst in the metagame, but you should at least have a bit of bulk to back up relatively mediocre offensive stats like that, which Liepard doesn't. That's a problem. I know it has access to its hidden ability Prankster, which lets it act first when it's using a status move, but you'll probably only be able to get off one attack due to Liepard's atrocious defenses. If anything, I would go for a set including a Jolly nature and a Focus Sash, with moves like Fake Out, Knock Off, Thunder Wave and something like Taunt, Encore or Copycat. Fake Out is a weak normal-type move, but it always goes first and some chip damage could turn the game into your favor in the end; Knock Off is pretty much Liepard's best STAB move, as it also knocks off the foe's held item (duh!); Thunder Wave paralyzes the foe and is affected by Prankster; and Encore locks the foe into an undesirable move if played right. Taunt and Copycat are options as well, but Taunt limits the foe to using only offensive moves, which is exactly what you don't want for Liepard unless you specifically meant for it to be death fodder, and Copycat is a status move that lets Liepard copy the move an opponent used last in order to revenge kill them if they're faster. It's gimmicky, but if you can manage to make it work, more power to you.

TCG art of Liepard. It is beautiful and it damn well knows that, too. 

Smogon also mentions weather utility sets (with Rain Dance or Sunny Day while holding a Damp Rock or Heat Rock, respectively) and even a Choice Band set, but... meh? I guess a weather set has its uses, but a Choice Band set isn't particularly recommended due to Liepard's mediocre physical attack and cardboard defenses. You don't even have to worry about its regular abilities, because you won't even need them. Unburden doubles Liepard's speed when its held item is used up (not knocked off), but Liepard doesn't really get anything that it can use effectively this way, aside from maybe a Focus Sash. Limber prevents Liepard from getting paralyzed, but opponents will want to attack it and get rid of it as quickly as possible anyway, so this ability is pretty much useless. Liepard does excel in playthroughs, though. While it has access to both Nasty Plot and Dark Pluse, its physical movepool is actually so much better, and when I did an all-feline playthrough of Omega Ruby I used a Liepard rocking Night Slash (I would totally replace that for Throat Chop now, but that move wasn't around back then), Play Rough, Gunk Shot and Seed Bomb. It is able to learn a few more coverage moves as well, but I just wanted to give you an idea of how diverse its physical movepool actually is and how good it can be in-game. I honestly had so much fun using one in Omega Ruby.

Badass TCG art of Liepard.

It genuinely sucks that Liepard sucks competitively, because I absolutely love this Pokémon. While I like Delcatty and Purugly to some extent, they are kind of bland, and Meowstic hasn't really found a place in my heart, either. Liepard is absolutely one of the better feline Pokémon in the game design-wise: its slender body, its graceful stance, its purple color scheme, its blood-red shiny form and its subtle body features such as the pink 'mask' and the sickle-like tail... my goodness, Game Freak have really stepped up their game with the fifth generation. I could go on like this, but I think I'd bore you to death if I did so, so I'll just conclude this review by awarding Liepard a perfect rating.

Rating: 5/5

#506 - #508: Lillipup, Herdier & Stoutland

Readers who have visited my blog consistently over the past three years probably remember that I love cats and that I'm not the biggest fan of dogs. However, I feel like canine Pokémon are generally better than feline Pokémon, with Pokémon like Arcanine, Houndoom, Granbull, Lucario and - according to my crystal ball - Lycanroc all getting a perfect rating from me (but if you want to find out what rating Stoutland's getting, you'll have to scroll down or just keep reading).

Isn't it adorable, though?

Strangely enough, Lillipup and its kin are the first normal-type dogs we encounter in the National Pokédex. Of course, Snubbull and Granbull were normal types prior to Gen. VI, but they are now technically pure fairy types and have been since the type's introduction in X and Y in 2013. Lillipup is a cute little pupper that is popular among Trainers who live in apartment buildings because it doesn't yelp, while it is the perfect Pokémon for aspiring and beginning Trainers because it's intelligent, obedient to its master's demands and easy to raise. Its intelligence allows it to realize in time when it's at a disadvantage in a fight, only to turn tail and vamoose. However, when a foe is strong enough for Lillipup to handle, this courageous little Yorkshire Terrier - its Japanese name Yorterrie (ヨーテリー) is even based on the name for this breed - uses the long fur surrounding its face as a radar to probe the condition of its battle opponents and sense subtle changes in its surroundings. That's a lot of information to take in for just a basic Pokémon, but I swear Gen. VII is so much more informative on certain Pokémon than most other generations are. It is pretty good for early-game 'trash', especially when it evolves into Herdier pretty early on as well.

TCG art of Herdier.

Herdier looks much more like a Yorkshire Terrier than Lillipup does (with characteristics of Australian Silky Terriers and even Scottish Terriers), and its name is probably a reference to herding dogs - not to be confused with livestock guardian dogs, whose primary function is to guard flocks and herds from predation and theft, although both kinds of dogs may be called 'sheep dogs'. Trainers aren't as happy with Herdier as they are with Lillipup, apparently: the black, cape-like fur on its back is very hard and impervious and makes Herdier a troublesome Pokémon to train due to the high cost of properly grooming it. It is still loyal to its Trainer and even helps them raise or take care of other Pokémon, although it refuses to listen to people it doesn't respect. When it comes to the final stage of this evolutionary line, Stoutland, its wise disposition leaves no concern that it will ever attack people, though. Parents even trust it to babysit. It is intelligent, good-natured and valiant, and therefore it is a trustworthy partner on rescue teams, saving people stranded at sea or by blizzards in the mountains while its shaggy fur shields it and the people it rescues from extreme weather conditions - although Stoutland in Alola do seem to be a little uncomfortable. Its talent for rescuing humans in the mountains is similar to a St. Bernard's, don't you think?

Origin-wise, Bulbapedia offers the suggestion that Stoutland is based on a combination of a Shih Tzu and a Maltese, probably because of that truly magnificent mustache, although it is still obviously reminiscent of Yorkies and Scotties. Even its name is a reference to terrier dogs, as the Latin terra means 'earth' and the play on 'Scotland' refers to the Scottish Terrier it is based on.

Stoutland taking care of its young.

Its name doesn't lie, though, as Stoutland is pretty stout. Its base 85 HP and 90 defenses makes it a pretty bulky Pokémon in the competitive scene, even though its base 110 attack and 80 speed allows it to run a physical Choice Scarf or Choice Band set with ease. You'll have a more-than-decent offensive threat for your opponent to handle if you add an Adamant or Jolly nature and a moveset consisting of at least Return and a couple of coverage moves. It depends on what you need, really, but among the moves that Stoutland has access to are Crunch, Pursuit, Play Rough, Wild Charge, Psychic Fangs, the elemental fangs, Iron Head, Stomping Tantrum and Superpower. There are even three great abilities to choose from: Intimidate lowers the foe's attack stat and makes Stoutland even more physically defensive, Scrappy allows Stoutland to hit ghost-type Pokémon with normal-type moves, and Sand Rush doubles Stoutland's speed in a sandstorm and prevents it from taking any sandstorm damage. The latter is very handy when you have a Pokémon with the ability Sand Stream on your team, which whips up a sandstorm and allows Stoutland to come in with double speed. That's why Smogon suggests sets that involve an Adamant nature, as it outspeeds a lot of Pokémon after a Sand Rush boost, anyway.

An old Stoutland in the Sun and Moon series of the anime, in which it was living
with a wild Litten who would eventually become Ash's. They sought refuge in an
abandoned house and under a canal bridge, until Stoutland's health deteriorated
and it disappeared after being discharged from the Pokémon Center to save Litten
from seeing it pass away, leaving Litten upset.

Stoutland is a good boy. It already appeared in my list of top 50 favorite Pokémon, and my love for this cool doggo has not died down since. I always try to use a Stoutland in any of my Black and White playthroughs, just because it's such a good Pokémon, even late-game. Above all, though, I love Stoutland's design. Canine Pokémon are so much better than feline Pokémon in my opinion, even though I am a cat person and consider myself pretty much the 28-year-old gay guy equivalent of the old cat lady.

...I'm pathetic.

Rating: 5/5