#108, #463: Lickitung & Lickilicky

Fan art of Lickitung.

Oh my God, no. No, no, NO! I do NOT want to review this Pokémon.

Sigh... I guess I'll have to, right? Goddammit, fuck this shit.

Okay, let's get this over with, shall we? I do not want to spend any more time on this monstrosity than absolutely necessary. To make a long story short, Lickitung is a disgusting Pokémon that uses its tongue for capturing prey, battling, cleaning its body, exploring its environment and gathering food. At 7 feet, Lickitung's tongue is almost twice as long as its body and possibly even connected to its tail, as it quivers when Lickitung extends its long, chameleon-like tongue. The tongue is dexterous and powerful enough to lift people. Lickitung remembers things by their texture and taste, but it apparently dislikes sour things. I'm pretty sure it won't like the taste of me then, even though I wouldn't want to be licked by that thing in the first place. I mean, do you know how much saliva Lickitung produces? Gross. Especially considering the fact that its saliva is sticky and causes you to get a tingling sensation. Ewww.

Official art of Lickilicky. God, do I hate this Pokémon. I hate it
with a burning passion...

Look, it's not that I have a problem with Lickitung per se, it's just that the atrocity that is called Lickilicky overshadows Lickitung's mediocrity. Lickilicky's design - is it based on a bloated gourmand or a puffy baby? - is so abominable and ridiculous that I hated it instantly when I first saw it, which is probably why all of a sudden I couldn't stand Lickitung either. My hate for Lickilicky has only intensified throughout the years and I doubt I'll ever get over it. Up to this day, it is my absolute least favorite Pokémon. To make matters even worse, Lickilicky's flavor (no pun intended) is even more disgusting than Lickitung's, as Lickilicky is a downright glutton and will lick anything or anyone close by for any leftover crumbs. Its tongue is always soggy with slobber and getting too close to it will leave you soaked with drool, which contains lots of components that can dissolve anything, and the numbness it causes will not dissipate. Hideous, ridiculous, disgusting and dangerous...? That is not a particularly good combination, even if I say so. Whoever thought that this evolution of Lickitung was a superb idea should be thrown out with the trash immediately, because the day that Lickilicky was created is a black day for Nintendo and Game Freak. A black day indeed.

Look at this fat-ass. I hate everything about it: the stupid curl on
its head, its round shape, its gluttonous attitude, its ridiculously
large tongue, the white patch on its chest that looks like a napkin,
that perfect WiFi signal on its belly, its stupid evolution method,
the dumb name, etc. etc. etc.

Do I even care about Lickilicky's competitive use? Well, there are people who do like this thing (although I don't know why you would like it) and want to use one (again, it's a mystery to me why the hell you'd even want to), so let's get started, shall we? Even I have to admit that Lickilicky isn't all that bad competitively, so my approach is to use one with an Adamant nature, the Own Tempo ability, a Choice Band as held item and EV investment in HP and attack. Own Tempo prevents it from getting confused, while the Choice Band boosts Lickilicky's decent attack stat by 50% but limits it to using just one move until you switch it out. With an excellent base HP stat of 110 and quite some good defenses, Lickilicky has some natural bulk behind it, so you might as well make use of that attack stat in my opinion. And quite frankly, Lickilicky learns some powerful and/or useful moves, such as Knock Off (knocks off the opponent's held item), Power Whip (a rare physical-based grass-type move), Earthquake, Brick Break, Rock Slide, Power-Up Punch (a weak move, but it raises Lickilicky's attack every time it is used), Dragon Tail (forces the opponent to switch out), the elemental punches, Aqua Tail, Hammer Arm, Iron Tail, Zen Headbutt, and even STAB Return. You're spoiled for choice.

Somehow Lickilicky looks so much better when you can't see its ugly face. Then
again, it's still a fat-ass. 

Some other approaches: a Life Orb Lickilicky with either Curse (lowers its already terrible speed even more, but raises its attack and defense by one stage each) or Swords Dance (raises its attack by two stages), or even a Leftovers Lickilicky with EV investment in HP and defense or special defense and the Wish/Protect/Heal Bell combo. The latter only works if you have one that is evolved from a 2004 special event Lickitung, so it's hard to obtain a legit one.

However, I really wouldn't want to obtain one in the first place, and I don't understand why anyone would, either. Fuck this Pokémon. Fuck this Pokémon so, so much. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, and fuck it again. Fuck it from behind, fuck it from the front, then fuck it sideways until you make it see stars. Make sure it gets a trauma from it. Ugh, I despise Lickilicky and I wish I could ban it from my goddamn memory for all eternity.

Rating: 0.5/5