#442: Spiritomb

Every year more Dutch people celebrate Halloween, which is the influence of American culture on our down-to-earth society. I personally hate Halloween, mainly because it reminds me of a certain Dutch event that is celebrated in the southern part of my country five days in a fucking row. Honestly, I think both carnaval and Halloween are dumb and should be done away with (at least in the Netherlands), but I admit today's Pokémon fits the Halloween theme perfectly. Plus, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's writing, so I guess the least I could give you today is a goddamn review of one of the creepiest-looking Pokémon in existence. It's better than leaving my apartment and socializing, right?

There's a lot of creepy fan art of Spiritomb to be found on Google
Images, but this is by far the creepiest!

Spiritomb is formed by the collection of 108 spirits trapped in an Odd Keystone 500 years ago as a punishment for their misdeeds. This is not the only affiliation of Spiritomb to the number 108; it also weighs exactly 108 kilograms (which is roughly 238 pounds), its number in the Sinnoh Pokédex is 108, both its defense and special defense base values are 108, and in ORAS it is found at Sea Mauville - which lies wrecked on Route 108. This has everything to do with a Buddhist tradition performed on New Year's Eve in Japan, when a bell is rung 108 times to chase away the 108 temptations one must overcome in order to achieve Nirvana. Another inspiration for Spiritomb may be one of the Four Great Classical Novels in Chinese literature, Water Margin, which is also very well-known in Japan and tells the story of a group of 108 outlaws forming a sizable army before they are eventually granted amnesty by the government and sent on campaigns to resist foreign invaders and suppress rebel forces. In the first chapter of the novel, an army lieutenant orders the removal of a stone monument that had been guarded by monks for many generations, and by doing so he releases the spirits of 108 demons sealed therein. Having atoned for their sins, the souls become the 108 Stars of Destiny and are reincarnated centuries later as the outlaws mentioned earlier.

TCG art of Spiritomb.

Finally, Spiritomb isn't just based on myths and stories; the fact that it is bound to a fissure in the Odd Keystone due to a mysterious spell makes it likely it is based on a jibakurei, a spirit bound to a single place. It's an interesting concept, and I am surprised Game Freak actually managed to make this Pokémon so comprehensive. The little details, like everything that has to do with the number 108 and only one eye having a swirl in its official art, really make Spiritomb complete as a Pokémon to some extent. It isn't just there; a lot of thought was put in this thing, even in later generations, and I can only praise Nintendo and Game Freak for that. They even made Spiritomb somewhat difficult to obtain in Diamond and Pearl: you have to place the Odd Keystone you received from an NPC on Route 208 in the Hallowed Tower on Route 209, enter the Underground to talk to other people a total of 32 times (that's the only flaw I can find here, honestly; Game Freak could have made that a total of 36, as a reference to the 36 Heavenly Spirits among the 108 Stars of Destiny - the other 72 being the Earthly Fiends) and then interact with the Hallowed Tower - which is basically just a heap of stones - in order to encounter Spiritomb at level 25. You'd almost think you weren't supposed to get Spiritomb that easily in the first place, and sure enough, its Pokédex classification is the 'Forbidden Pokémon'. Neat.

Pretty quirky fan art of shiny Spiritomb.

But is Spiritomb worth the hassle battle-wise? The answer is yes, as its base 108 defense and special defense stats make it a bulky Pokémon mainly used for... mixed movesets! Yeah, while its base 50 HP doesn't really back up its excellent defenses, said defenses are good enough that Spiritomb can take a few hits before it goes down, so it's best to look at offensive moves alongside support moves. It can be used as a physical attacker, rocking moves like Sucker Punch, Pursuit and Shadow Sneak, but its options are limited in that regard. Foul Play, a move that uses the opposing Pokémon's attack stat rather than Spiritomb's, is an option as well, but it's tricky to use: you could end up attacking the wrong Pokémon if the opponent decides to switch out. A Nasty Plot set with Dark Pulse, Shadow Ball and Psychic is generally better, although I think Calm Mind will be more useful than Nasty Plot because it also raises Spiritomb's special defense instead of only its special attack. Just keep in mind that those moves are its only special-attacking options. Therefore, a combination of offensive, support and set-up moves isn't unheard of: Will-O-Wisp, Pain Split and Taunt are often used next to moves like Shadow Sneak, Pursuit and Foul Play, while Rest and Sleep Talk complement Calm Mind and Dark Pulse very well. Additionally, Infestation is a move that prevents the opponent from switching as long as Spiritomb is in play, if that's your style. Secretly, Spiritomb is very versatile without actually being overly versatile, if you know what I mean. The moves mentioned above definitely indicate that it is supposed to be a sneaky Pokémon capable of pulling off a couple of suprise attacks.

To let it hit as hard as possible, you could give Spiritomb an Adamant or Modest nature, depending on whether you want to go physical or special. However, a defensive nature (Bold or Calm if Spiritomb has special moves, Impish or Careful if it has physical moves, and Relaxed or Sassy if you decide to use a mix) is generally a better idea, as are the Leftovers, just to ensure its longevity on the battlefield. It's entirely up to you, but I do recommend the latter. At least give it its hidden ability Infiltrator, which ignores the effect of Reflect, Light Screen, Mist, Safeguard and Aurora Veil and allows it to bypass Substitute.

Hey Spiritomb, leave my darling Pikachu alone!

I think I said everything I wanted to say about Spiritomb. While I think its design, concept and origins are fascinating, it is not one of my absolute favorite Pokémon... yet. I've honestly never used it, and the only time I caught this thing was on Sea Mauville in Alpha Sapphire - I didn't even take the trouble to go back to that place in Omega Ruby and catch it on that game. I'll give it 4.5 stars for now, but who knows what'll happen when I actually get to know this thing a bit better...

P.S.: Happy Halloween to whoever might be interested in getting Halloween wishes from someone who hates the fucking holiday.

Rating: 4.5/5

#441: Chatot

I kinda have a love-hate relationship with gimmicky Pokémon revolving around a certain aspect that makes them unique. For example, I love Unown because there's a whole lot of mystery surrounding this Pokémon and I actually really like its design, but I dislike Castform because it's a head with testicles whose only shtick is to change into another form corresponding to the current weather condition (yes, I am aware it's based on the teru teru bōzu; and no, I do not care). On the other hand, there are some gimmicky Pokémon that I am somewhat indifferent towards, like Smeargle and today's subject, Chatot.

Chatot enjoying some petting. 

Chatot's gimmick is its signature move Chatter. Chatter was a field move (moves that can be used outside of battle) in Gen. IV and Gen. V and could be used to record and temporarily alter the battle cry of Chatot. The volume of the recording determined the chance of confusing the foe, but the base power of Chatter remained 60 no matter what. From X and Y onward, it is a 65-power move that always confuses the foe and unfortunately can't be used in the overworld to record Chatot's battle cry. If anything, it's a fun gimmick, and I think it's kind of a shame Game Freak got rid of it, but the complications caused by this move in Gen. V made them abandon the field move function altogether. You'd think that a 65-power move that always confuses the foe would be overpowered, but Chatot isn't very strong or fast to begin with: its base 92 special attack and 91 speed are decent, but it can either hold the Choice Specs at the expense of being relatively quick or it can hold a Choice Scarf at the expense of sheer power. And like burn, confusion got nerfed in Sun and Moon - instead of a 50% chance of hurting themselves, Pokémon now have a 33% chance of doing so. However, Chatot does have access to STAB Boomburst, a 140-power normal-type move that deals massive damage to anything that doesn't resist it. Therefore, people often run Boomburst in combination with Heat Wave and a fighting-type Hidden Power, in order to deal with steel and rock types more effectively, while U-Turn can be used to gain momentum.

Chatot in TCG. 

A Nasty Plot set with Boomburst, Chatter and either Heat Wave or Substitute isn't uncommon, either: Chatot can create a substitute and hide behind it, only to set up with Nasty Plot - which raises its special attack by two stages - and fire away with its STAB moves. Of course, in this case the Leftovers are recommended, as the Choice Specs and Choice Scarf force Chatot to use a single move consecutively until it switches out. At least it should have a Timid nature at all times, as well as the Tangled Feet ability; should Chatot get confused itself, moves used against it will have their accuracy halved. Keen Eye only prevents accuracy loss on Chatot, while its hidden ability Big Pecks prevents its defense from being lowered, which is... unhelpful. Chatot's not taking hits anytime soon with those terrible defenses anyway, so Big Pecks isn't gonna help it one bit.

But what about Chatot's origins? Are they anything special?

Chatot looks chronically suspicious in its official art. I wonder
what exactly its problem is. 

Well, no... not exactly. Chatot is based on a parakeet, or even other parrot species like the masked lovebird, blue-and-yellow macaw and even the rose-ringed parakeet in reference to its feathered collar (although it's kind of a stretch). Parrots are often known for imitating human sounds, and that is exactly what Chatot is all about: its tongue is similar to a human's, allowing it to imitate human speech. It is also able to cleverly mimic the cries of other Pokémon, which it uses as a defense mechanism. Chatot remembers the sounds it learns and arranges them into its own melody while keeping rhythm by flicking its tail, which is why its head looks like an eighth note and its tail resembles a metronome. That's basically everything worth mentioning about this thing, though; if it looks like a parrot and acts like a parrot, it is a parrot. However, I really like Chatot as a whole: it's cute, and the eighth-note shape of its head and the metronome tail are nice little additions to its design and mesh well with its flavor text, making it an exceptionally musical Pokémon. I do feel like an evolution would have been no luxury, as it's quite weak and very frail, but above all I would have loved to see the music aspect of its design be elaborated upon and the eighth-note head change into something like a treble clef (don't let Meghan Trainor hear that). All in all, Chatot is a moderately interesting Pokémon, and I am going to give it four stars out of five. I acknowledge Chatot is not a very popular Pokémon, but at least you'll have to admit it's a lovable Pokémon only because of its design.

P.S.: Chatot's Japanese name Perap (ペラップ) is pretty clever, as perapera can mean 'blah blah blah' or 'yada yada yada' - referring to how incessantly some parrots will talk and chatter - as well as 'fluent in languages'. Neat.

Rating: 4/5

#436 - #437: Bronzor & Bronzong

This fan art of Bronzor is very... radiating.

Due to my recent love for steel types - recent being three years or so - I have come to appreciate Bronzor and Bronzong much more than I initially did. In fact, I didn't like these Pokémon at all when Diamond and Pearl were released. They looked weird, served no purpose and were just some cheap Metagross rip-offs in my eyes, just because of their steel/psychic typing (please note that I didn't particularly like Metagross in the beginning, either). You could just catch Bronzor in the wild with no explanation given; except for its Pokédex entries there's no lore behind it whatsoever, and there were no researchers in the overworld trying to explain Bronzor and Bronzong's existence - not that I know of, anyway. It wasn't until years later that I realized there was still a whole lot of mystery surrounding these Pokémon, even though the mystery wasn't necessarily to be found in the overworld. Implements shaped like Bronzor were found in ancient tombs, and it is unknown whether Bronzor are man-made objects come to life or said objects were just inspired by Bronzor's appearance at the time. It is likely the former, as Bronzor is based on a dōkyō, a bronze mirror; and sure enough, Pokémon researchers believe this Pokémon reflected like a mirror in the past, even though x-ray photos that were taken to check its body structure didn't yield any results.

But if so little is known about Bronzor, how do contemporary scientists know that ancient people believed that the herb-shaped crest on its back was imbued with a mysterious power? Do they have a special arrangement with Celebi or something?

Bronzong in TCG.

Anyway, Bronzor's evolution Bronzong isn't just a disc-shaped entity. It is based on a dōtaku instead, a Japanese bell smelted from relatively thin bronze. These bells were often richly decorated with patterns representing nature and were buried in isolated locations by ancient people - occasionally with bronze mirrors and weapons - in the hope they got blessed with plentiful harvests. Sure enough, Bronzong's natural power to summon rain clouds is incorporated into its movepool, as it has the ability to learn Rain Dance by level-up - although it is the only Pokémon who can learn this move naturally but doesn't personally benefit from it. Bronzong doesn't just sommon rain clouds by doing some silly dance, however: it brought rains by opening portals to another world. That's some dangerous shit right there. If Sun and Moon have taught me anything, it's that alternate dimensions are not to be messed with. Additionally, Bronzong apparently also used to be buried by people in ancient times, as one specimen caused a news sensation when it was dug up at a construction site after a 2,000-year sleep.

I'm pretty sure the artist is mocking Game Freak for granting
Bronzong access to the move Earthquake, of all things.

In any case, Bronzor and its evolution Bronzong look absolutely nothing alike, but that doesn't mean their evolutionary pattern is completely illogical. You see, there's an old Japanese legend best known by the title Of a Mirror and a Bell, present in the 1904 book Kwaidan: Stories and Studies of Strange Things by Lafcadio Hearn, an Irish-Greek author who became a Japanese citizen and produced numerous accounts of Japanese culture and mythology. The story tells of a bunch of priests in Mugenyama who wanted a new bell for their temple and asked for the local women to donate their old bronze mirrors, which could be melted and cast into a bell. One of those mirrors belonged to a farmer's wife, but after a while the woman started to regret giving away the mirror that had been in her family for years. An old proverb said that a mirror was the soul of a woman, and she started to worry that she had given away her soul by donating her mirror to the priests. She couldn't afford to buy her precious belonging back, and when the mirrors were sent to the foundry to be forged into a bell, one of the mirrors would not melt. The mirror remained attached to the woman, kept cold in the furnace by her selfish desire, and she couldn't cope with the shame when it was discovered to whom the mirror belonged. She drowned herself, but not before leaving a letter in which she stated that she would come back as a ghost and reward the person to strike the bell hard enough to shatter it. The last wish of anyone dying in resentment was thought to possess a mystical power, so every day the locals tried to break the bell until the priests got tired of the constant noise. They rolled the bell down a hill into a deep swamp, never for it to be seen ever again... and giving the woman exactly what she wanted.

Of course, stories like these are often heavily exaggerated, as I can't imagine a fucking bell causing a woman so much misery that she decides to commit suicide, but myths like these make for pretty interesting Pokémon. The more I come to know about Bronzor and Bronzong's origins, the more I come to respect them - and Game Freak, for that matter, for adding little flavor-enhancing things like the Heatproof ability.

Props to the artist for making this Bronzong appear a bit worn
with age, giving this piece of fan art a more realistic feeling.

Now that I'm talking about that, Bronzong is a very valuable asset to any competitive team. With amazing base 116 defenses and decent base 67 HP, this bell is as tough to crack as the one in Of a Mirror and a Bell. There are a few options to consider when using Bronzong, and one of them is an all-out offensive one: Bronzong's base 89 attack stat allows it to do some pretty serious damage, and with a Macho Brace (halves its already abysmal speed) and a Brave nature (lowers its speed even further, but raises its attack), the move Gyro Ball will absolutely wreck anything that doesn't resist it. Bronzong also learns Trick Room, Earthquake, Zen Headbutt and Rock Slide, as well as Explosion - when it has lost its effectiveness during the match, you can just catch the opponent off guard and let it blow up. However, Bronzong is more commonly used as a defensive Pokémon, setting up Stealth Rock and annoying the fuck out of its foes by giving them a bad poisoning with Toxic and subsequently stalling them with Protect. Alternatively, Trick Room can still be used on a defensive set to evoke the rage of opponents who are trying to set up in order to sweep. To ensure Bronzong's longevity, you should let it hold the Leftovers so it can heal a bit of its HP every turn. With a defensive set comes a defensive nature, but preferably a speed-reducing one such as Sassy or Relaxed, just to squeeze the most damage out of Gyro Ball.

As for its abilities, the damage reduction from fire-type moves due to Heatproof seems great and is a nice little touch Game Freak added in regard to its origins, but I can assure you that the immunity to ground-type moves from Levitate is far more useful. Don't even bother with its hidden ability Heavy Metal, because it will only have effect on the damage output of Heavy Slam, which you won't be using in the first place. Additionally, Bronzong will be taking much more damage from moves like Low Kick and Grass Knot, which obviously isn't very favorable.

Can we just take a second to appreciate Bronzor's design? 

I absolutely love Bronzor and Bronzong, not only because of my love for steel types but also because there's such a mysterious vibe surrounding these Pokémon. Bronzor and Bronzong are based on very different ancient artifacts, yet their evolutionary pattern makes so much sense if you take their origins into consideration. Working your way up to my list of favorite Pokémon from rock bottom is no mean feat, but both Bronzor and Bronzong managed to do just that. Their rating probably won't come as a surprise to y'all...

P.S.: The Chinese aren't very nice people. Their name for Bronzor is Tóngjìngguài (銅鏡怪), which literally means 'bronze mirror freak'. My precious little Bronzor is not a freak, goddammit!

P.P.S.: I like how bianzhong, an ancient Chinese musical instrument consisting of bells, is phonetically similar to 'Bronzong'.

Rating: 5/5

#434 - #435: Stunky & Skuntank

TCG art of Stunky.

Do British and American people have any idea how cool 'skunk' sounds? We Dutchies call this critter a stinkdier, which literally means 'stinking animal', and I have to say that's pretty unimaginative.

Aside from that, Game Freak went the obvious way with Stunky and Skuntank's poison/dark typing, because God knows skunks are noxious and evil little creatures. Their butt-like faces make their flavor even more ambiguous, even though Stunky's Pokédex entries explicitly state that the foul-smelling liquid it secretes to drive attackers away comes from its rear, which is exactly how a real-life skunk does it (although Stunky and Skuntank's cries do sound like wet farts). The stench can be smelled from over a mile away and lingers around for approximately 24 hours, so in other words, there's nothing overly special to say about Stunky here. There's its feline appearance, but that isn't all that suprising if you think about it: baby skunks are often called kits or kittens, and sometimes the Americans refer to skunks as 'polecats', even though skunks and actual polecats are only very distantly related.

Skuntank is nothing but a larger and nastier Stunky, with a more noxious and dreadful-smelling liquid for it to spray around over distances up to 160 feet; and the longer it allows this liquid to fester within its body, the more powerful the smell. The foul-smelling fermented substance comes from the tip of its tail rather than its rear, and as its tail is bent over its head, Skuntank's name makes a whole lot more sense to me now.

Some examples of Skuntank in TCG art.

Unfortunately, it isn't such a tank in the competitive scene. Sure, it has a good amount of HP and some decent attack and speed, but everything else is mediocre. Skuntank learns Flamethrower by level-up - which, by the way, should honestly say it all - but it can't make use of it effectively due to that mediocre special attack stat. While an in-game moveset can be filled up by Crunch, Play Rough, Iron Tail and Poison Jab (about the only good physical moves it gets, and two of them are egg moves), Sucker Punch and Pursuit are more viable competitively, while Taunt is used to prevent the foe from setting up with anything and Defog can be used to remove hazards like Sticky Web and Stealth Rock from the battlefield. Additionally, the move Haze resets the stat stages of all active Pokémon on the field, which could come in handy if the opponent decides to go full kamikaze on you. That isn't to say that Flamethrower and Fire Blast are unheard of in the competitive metagame, though, especially because they provide excellent type coverage. They're among the few good special-based moves Skuntank can learn as well, although Crunch and Poison Jab are preferred over Dark Pulse and Sludge Bomb due to Skuntank's superior attack stat. Should you decide to go special anyway, Modest is the preferred nature, but Skuntank is more of a physical attacker and I recommend a physical moveset backed by an Adamant nature and maybe something like the Black Glasses as a held item. Some item for utility might be worth your while, too: a Lum Berry heals any status condition whenever Skuntank gets one, while Black Sludge is exclusively for poison types and works exactly like the Leftovers for them. Just make sure Skuntank has the Aftermath ability at all times, as it does some damage to the opposing Pokémon whenever they knock out Skuntank and because the other two abilities just aren't very useful.

Skuntank reimagined as a 'real-life' skunk. This is amazing.

I have absolutely no idea why I put Skuntank on number 42 in my top 50 favorite Pokémon four years ago; if I were to make a top 100 now, it wouldn't even be in it. Conversely, the next Pokémon on my review list (Bronzong) made its way to my top from rock bottom. Funny how that goes sometimes, huh?

Anyway, my statements above don't mean I have come to hate Skuntank all of a sudden. On the contrary, I still think this Pokémon is worth at least 4 stars; I just don't think this Pokémon is anything special and I definitely don't understand how I could love Skuntank to such an extent that I put it on friggin' number 42 in my top 50 back then.

Rating: 4/5

#431 - #432: Glameow & Purugly

The artist made Glameow here much cuter than it actually is.

I told you I once did an Omega Ruby playthrough with feline Pokémon, did I? Well, even if I like Delcatty more than Purugly design-wise, I ended up using the latter, anyway.

Why? Well, because it's a better battler, of course.

I had to put up with a Glameow until level 38, however, which was a pain because it wasn't very good. I even decided to pass on Play Rough at level 50, which Purugly cannot learn, because it was really too far away. While Glameow was fast, it was also relatively weak and feeble, making it an absolute pain to train, especially since the shit with Team Magma goes down when your Pokémon are a little below that level - which is kinda late into the story in the first place - and turning on the Exp. Share tends to make them just a tad bit overleveled even when they don't get boosted experience. And my feline Pokémon did, because I didn't catch them in Omega Ruby; they were obviously transferred to this game from Pokémon Bank. Maybe Game Freak wanted to tie in Glameow's snooty and fickle personality with its in-game purposes, but perhaps that's a little too farfetched since there are a ton of Pokémon who evolve at such a high level. Purugly's stats don't justify it evolving so late from Glameow, however, because it is a decent Pokémon at best.

Is this Glameow really looking at an ordinary goldfish? 

More about Purugly's competitive capabilities later, though. First, we're going to see what it and its pre-evolution are all about flavor-wise. Like I said, Glameow is a haughty and capricious Pokémon that tends to become violent when they are dissatisfied with the current course of events; it is a spiteful Pokémon that can suddenly hook its claws into its Trainer's nose if it isn't fed or when it is angry with them for some reason. When it is happy, it can also purr quite affectionately and demonstrate beautiful movements of its tail, like a dancing ribbon. The ugly side of its personality is intensified when it evolves into Purugly, becoming a Pokémon that makes itself look larger and more intimidating by cinching its waist with its forked tail. This brazen brute barges into the nests of other Pokémon and frightens them off so it can claim the nest as its own if it finds it sufficiently comfortable. Additionally, Purugly will glare at you ceaselessly if you lock eyes with it, so you'd better not start a staring contest with this thing.

Like Pokémon, like Trainer. Or is it the other way around...?

Its hypnotizing looks are probably the reason why it has access to Hypnosis in its level-up moveset, but even though sleep is a precious status condition in competitive play, the 60% accuracy of Hypnosis makes this move less viable than one should wish. Purugly is more often used as a physical attacker in the lower tiers, rocking a moveset consisting of Fake Out, Return, Sucker Punch and Knock Off, occasionally replacing either Sucker Punch or Knock Off in favor of U-Turn. That's pretty much all you need, really. My own Purugly had Return, Aerial Ace, Shadow Claw and Dig, but those moves - with the exception of Return - are absolutely terrible in a competitive setting. It is actually way too brittle to use it as a support Pokémon, and aside from that it doesn't get a whole lot of physical or support options in the first place. You could let Purugly hold either a Silk Scarf to boost its STAB normal-type moves or a Life Orb to boost all of its moves by 30% in exchange for 10% of its health each turn, but it should have a Jolly nature at all times to make maximum use of its surprisingly excellent speed stat - it may look fat and sluggish, but its base 112 speed stat makes it a helluva lot faster than most Pokémon out there. As for abilities, you are best off with Purugly's hidden ability Defiant, which boosts its attack by two stages whenever one of its stats is lowered. Own Tempo prevents it from being confused and is merely situational, while the resistances to fire- and ice-type moves due to Thick Fat sound nice but won't have much of a notable effect because Purugly's defenses aren't worth shit.

No wonder Purugly cinches its waist with its tail. It will become much slower and
less self-confident with such a high amount of fat. 

Purugly is exactly what its name suggests it is: ugly - characteristically as well as aesthetically, and that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. While I used it in my feline playthrough of Omega Ruby, I only did so because the alternative was Delcatty, and we all know Delcatty sucks. In my opinion, however, Game Freak could have done a lot better than creating a brutal, overweight domestic tabby cat. Persian is a mean bitch already, and its personality fits its design and appearance perfectly, so there was no need to depict another cat in a bad light like this. Cats already have a bad rap due to their distant, suspicious and unfriendly personalities, and I'll be the first to admit that they're not as friendly and playful as dogs are, but in my experience they can be very sweet and curious and allow you to cuddle with them all you like as long as you treat them right. Feline Pokémon with dubious personalities such as Persian and Liepard can be an asset to the Pokémon franchise when executed well, but a Pokémon like Purugly was absolutely unnecessary. If my ratings were based on design alone, this Pokémon would get 4.5 stars from me, but I'll have to lower that rating significantly after my heavy criticism of Purugly's flavor.

Rating: 3/5

#427 - #428: Buneary & Lopunny

Now these are some inappropriate bunnies...

Before I dive into some serious Hugh Hefner type of shit, let me get Buneary out of the way. This adorable little bunny is nothing but an adorable little bunny being an adorable little bunny. The only interesting thing about it is that it is capable of delivering powerful blows that can shatter boulders with its rolled-up ears, which I'm sure Diggersby can do much better than Buneary. There's literally nothing else to say about this thing other than its sleeping, eating and survival habits - again, it perks up its ears when it senses danger. I never knew Buneary's name made so much sense, but it's a true eye-opener (!).

Buneary in the anime, striking a pose I don't particularly perceive as 'cute'...

Seriously though, it is Lopunny where things get interesting, with it seemingly being a caricature of a Playboy Bunny - a waitress at a Playboy Club wearing a costume inspired by and matching the official logo and mascot of the monthly men's lifestyle magazine Playboy, consisting of a strapless corset teddy, satin bunny ears, black pantyhose, cuffs, a bow tie, a collar and a fluffy cottontail. We all know that Hugh Hefner, who passed away last month, intended for them to look sexy, sensual and promiscuous, even though they aren't allowed to touch the patrons of a Playboy Club and vice versa. However, the association of Playboy Bunnies with Playboy, notorious for its vast array of nude photos every month, is undeniable. So here we have Lopunny, a Pokémon based on the logo/mascot of a flagship American lifestyle magazine (special nation-specific versions are published worldwide), which contains adult content on a monthly basis and played an important part in the sexual revolution occurring from the 1960s to the 1980s.

Official art of Lopunny, drawn by none other than Ken Sugimori.
I tried looking for normal fan art of this thing, but that was hard
because it being based on a Playboy Bunny obviously begs for
Rule 34 to be applied. 

The worst part of this is that Buneary evolves into Lopunny when leveled up with high friendship, something that doesn't seem quite as equivocal in, say, Riolu and Lucario's case. The fact that we're talking about what's essentially a children's game makes the ambiguity that much more cringeworthy. Sure, the costume is still popular in Japan, where it has lost much of its association with Playboy and is commonly featured in manga and anime - which could explain Lopunny's coquettish cry and girlish figure - but to Americans and people from many other Western countries, the 'bunny suit' will forever be quintessential of the sexual image Playboy perpetuates. Of course, Lopunny is not based on a mere costume. This Pokémon is based on actual bunnies called lop-eared rabbits, domestic breeds with ears that flop over rather than stand erect. The inspiration for Lopunny's design comes specifically from the ears of the Holland Lop, but other than that the similarities are few and far between. I have a problem with the term 'Holland Lop', however, so allow me to use this transition as an opportunity to tell you that I absolutely hate it when people use the word 'Holland' in such a colloquial manner in so many languages (including my own), with people exclaiming that they've been to Holland when they refer to the country as a whole. Interestingly, my country isn't called Holland; it's called the Netherlands, and Holland consists of only two of twelve Dutch provinces, being North Holland and South Holland.

Well, the more you know...

Stat-wise, Lopunny isn't anything special, having mediocre or only decent stats across the board aside from its speed. Because it has Klutz, an ability that prevents the effects of held items from applying, people teach it Switcheroo so that it can transfer a harmful held item like a Sticky Barb or Flame Orb to the foe in exchange for the foe's own held item. Other than that, it is better to just let Lopunny hold a Lopunnite and Mega-evolve it. Trust me, it's for the best, because its base 76 attack stat becomes a hefty base 136 now, while its already good speed stat also gets a boost and ends up at a base 135. In short, Mega Lopunny is a hit-and-run Pokémon that's supposed to hit hard and fast, and that shouldn't be a problem with a nature such as a Jolly one and moves such as Return and High Jump Kick. Those two moves are the staples of its moveset, with High Jump Kick even providing STAB because Mega Lopunny is a normal/fighting type (regular Lopunny is just a normal type), while Fake Out is an excellent opener and Ice Punch is a great type coverage move. It learns Drain Punch and Power-Up Punch in case you prefer the respective healing and attack-boosting aspects of those moves over the chance of crash damage from High Jump Kick, while other coverage moves such as Iron Tail, Thunder Punch and Fire Punch could come in handy depending on which Pokémon you're facing. Don't bother with special moves, because Lopunny's base special attack is a terrible 54 even as its Mega form.

D'awww, bunny love!

While I think a fighting Playboy Bunny is kind of amusing and Mega Lopunny's design - which may have been inspired by 1980s-styled aerobics outfits - is pretty dope, I can't help but to think this Pokémon shouldn't have existed in the first place. If Pokémon had been an American franchise, I wouldn't have been writing about this thing right now; and let's face it, a creature based on mature content in a children's franchise is kind of stretching it a little bit. Of course, most kids are oblivious to all of this bullshit, so in the end it doesn't even matter, but there are a lot of adults who have been playing Pokémon since they were kids and have come to know Lopunny's origins the hard way. It's not as if you can say there aren't any adults who are amused by it, but you have to admit that a lot of people think Hugh Hefner was a misogynist asshole objectifying women by means of his Playboy magazine, Playboy Clubs, Playboy Bunnies, Playboy jet (dubbed "Big Bunny"), Playboy Mansion and lavish Playboy parties and what have you, so a Pokémon based on all of that won't sit well with those people.

And all of the children who easily have access to Bulbapedia now, you ask? Well, what can I say? The Internet is a bitch.

Also, Lopunny's flavor text is absolutely bland: it's a cautious Pokémon and it starts kicking if its delicate ears are touched roughly, which is about all there is to say about it. I wanted to include this bit a little earlier on in this review, but there was a lot to talk about and I couldn't find a proper way to fit it in, so I'm mentioning it now. To conclude, I'm giving this Pokémon 4.5 stars, but only because I think its Mega is lit.

Rating: 4.5/5

#425 - #426: Drifloon & Drifblim

Oddly vibrant and pretty art for a such a ghastly Pokémon.

The first proper balloon Pokémon - and no, the Igglybuff line does not count - are an interesting duo, to say the least. Of all things, Game Freak decided to give them the ghost type and the result is nothing less than terrifying. Drifloon may look cute, but it has a tendency to tug on the hands of children to steal them away, only for it to get pulled around instead. That is its Pokédex entry for Pokémon Pearl, however, as later ones mention it abducting children and dragging them away to the afterlife. Game Freak don't shy away from a little body-shaming either, as Drifloon's Sun Dex entry says it dislikes heavy children. I guess Tierno has nothing to worry about, then. Not that I'm opposed to there being a real-life counterpart of Drifloon if that were possible, because I absolutely hate kids. They smell bad, don't listen to their parents, tend to get in your way whenever you have to be somewhere, make a complete mess out of everything, and as teenagers they're just a bunch of stuck-up, ungrateful know-it-alls. But above all, little kids are loud. I am hard of hearing and I absolutely loathe the agonizing sound of screaming children. The worst thing is that parents don't even know how to restrain their kids anymore nowadays, or they simply don't care; as a result, they just let them be and it irks me to no end. Drifloon would be doing us all a favor by taking them away from us, I swear. Too bad it dislikes heavy children, because those are the ones who tend to easily get spoiled by their parents.

TCG art of Drifloon that seems to fit its typing and flavor much better than the
piece of fan art above. 

Anyway, Drifloon's lightness causes it to float about aimlessly, earning it the nickname of "Signpost for Wandering Spirits", especially because its body is formed by the spirits of people and Pokémon. It can expand or shrink to express its feelings, but its soul will spill out with a screaming sound if its body bursts. Yikes. Its evolution Drifblim is even stronger, carrying full-grown people and Pokémon as it flies. However, it has no control over its flight and as a result of it only being able to drift, people tend to go missing. Even while under careful observation, large flocks of Drifblim flying at dusk will inexplicably disappear from view. I like to believe Drifblim are making themselves and those bad parents vanish while their baby Drifloon are taking care of the parents' annoying children, which would be a wonderful solution for human overpopulation if these Pokémon did indeed exist in real life.

Oh, if only Pokémon were real...

This fan art of Drifblim is strangely tranquil.

But the closest thing we come to 'real' Pokémon are immobile, inanimate plushies and action figures, otherwise we're restricted to using pixelated characters on a handheld video game console. In that regard, Drifblim is kind of a strange Pokémon. Its stats are unevenly distributed, with massive HP and decent special attack, but with mediocre attack and speed and absolutely terrible defenses; one strong super-effective attack is all you need to make this hot air balloon pop. The best you can do is to use it as a special attacker, rocking a Calm Mind set with moves like Shadow Ball, Thunderbolt and Psychic boosted by a Life Orb and a Modest nature (Timid isn't bad, either). Maybe you could replace one move with Rest and give Drifblim a Chesto Berry to hold so it wakes up immediately after using that move, which isn't a bad idea when you're facing a special attacker. It can even get a speed boost from consuming the berry due to one of its regular abilities, Unburden. If that's not your style, Will-O-Wisp is an option to badly cripple opposing Pokémon, as a burn causes an attack drop on the foe and renders Drifblim's defense somewhat passable. Hex instead of Shadow Ball works well in combination with Will-O-Wisp, but it's risky and tricky to pull off with Drifblim specifically.

Smogon mentions a physical Liechi Berry set, of course with Unburden, but Knock Off is literally the only good physical move it gets aside from Acrobatics, which only does massive damage after it consumes the berry in question. It's backed up by Substitute, Destiny Bond and possibly Tailwind, but I don't think it's all that effective. As far as special-attacking options go, a Calm Mind set is really the only way to go. Flare Boost is a hidden ability that raises the power of Drifblim's special moves by 50% when it's burned (probably a reference to its hot air balloon aesthetic), and while burns have been nerfed as of Gen. VII, the risk of burning your Pokémon with a Flame Orb when you can easily set up a Calm Mind is just not worth it.

Fan art of Drifblim as an actual blimp. This is hilarious!

I feel like a lot of the Gen. IV Pokémon don't really meet my expectations. Driblim has an interesting design and an awesome concept behind it, but it just isn't executed well stat-wise. I mean, its HP and defenses make sense, as balloons aren't really that sturdy to begin with, but why isn't it slower and physically weaker? With such few options in Diamond and Pearl (evolutions of Pokémon introduced in earlier generations weren't available until the post-game content or in Pokémon Platinum), you'd think Game Freak would kick it up a notch. Granted, Drifloon can only be caught in the Valley Windworks on Fridays - comparable to Lapras in Pokémon Gold and Silver - but no reason is given for that. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, especially since Drifloon and Drifblim can't control their movements according to their Dex entries, but I guess we'll have to make do with it. I really like Drifblim's design and flavor, though, so I guess a four-star rating is well-awarded here.

Rating: 4/5

#422 - #423: Shellos & Gastrodon

Today's Pokémon are the perfect embodiment of the sluggish pace at which I'm currently posting reviews, wouldn't you say? Expect me to post a lot less frequently from now on, as this here guy now has a job as a proofreader. I am so sorry, but I had such a heavy workload the past couple weeks that I didn't have any time writing something for this blog in the first place.

TCG art containing both of Shellos's forms, with the East Sea
Forme on the left and the West Sea Forme on the right.

Anyway, Shellos is based on the concept of allopatric speciation, specifically the vicariance model: an original population is separated by a geographic barrier, preventing the exchange of genetic information between the two populations (reproductive isolation) and resulting in the development of two different species (evolution). In that regard, this sea slug Pokémon based on chromodoris lochi comes in two different variants depending on where you are in Sinnoh, as the pink West Sea Forme can be found on the west side of the geographic barrier called Mt. Coronet and the blue East Sea Forme can only be caught on the other side of the mountain. It's just an aesthetic difference; neither Shellos has any special effect on the battles and/or overworld in the games, and there aren't any differences in their base stats. In fact, both forms are perfectly able to interbreed and the young inherit the mother's form. The only difference is in their Pokédex entries, and only as of Pokémon Sun and Moon: the pink West Sea Shellos secretes a purple mucus that sticks to the hands of those touching it and is troublesome to wash off, a trait that applied to both Shellos prior to Gen. VII and had a more generic description to begin with. The rest of Shellos's flavor mentions the fact that the color of its body depends on its diet and habitat (well, duh!).

That's it, really. There's literally nothing else to say about it, and I have the feeling Game Freak rushed this Pokémon a little. According to an interview with Ken Sugimori in Nintendo Power, Shellos and Gastrodon were originally intended for Ruby and Sapphire, but they weren't implemented due to time constraints. There are even early back sprites to be found of these Pokémon in the Diamond and Pearl game data, showing the West Sea Forme's pink color and bunch of fleshy head knobs and the East Sea Forme's wing-like appendages. The same can be said about Shellos's evolution Gastrodon, whose early back sprite is incredibly knobbly and doesn't even resemble the two forms of Gastrodon we're familiar with today. Basically, we just got the leftovers from the production period of Ruby and Sapphire, and other than a form difference they weren't given much of an attentive treatment.

3D art of Gastrodon's West Sea Forme.

Before I'm going to talk about Gastrodon, I have to say that I like that, wherever you are in the world, Shellos's name actually always refers to its lack of a shell, which... well, Gastrodon doesn't seem to have a shell, either, but of course its Pokédex entries contradict each other on that, too. That is something for a later time, though, as we're going to dig into Shellos's name origins first.

Japanese: Karanakushi (カラナクシ) is derived from kara, meaning 'shell', and nakushita and/or nashi, meaning 'to have lost' and 'without', respectively. The latter actually makes more sense.

English: Shellos contains 'shell' and 'loss' or 'lost', obviously referring to the fact that it doesn't have a shell. It also suggests that Shellos initially did have a shell, but assuming that its shell was lost as it grew might be a bit of a stretch.

French, German: Shellos's respective French and German names of Sancoki and Schalellos originate from sans coquille and schalenlos, wich literally mean 'without a shell'.

Korean: Kapjilmu (깝질무) contains kkapjil and mu - 'shell' and 'naught', respectively. Evidently, 'naught' refers to the absence of a shell on Shellos's body.

Mandarin Chinese: This is actually the strangest one, and the sole reason why I wanted to talk about Shellos's name origins. Wúkéhǎiniú (無殼海牛) literally means 'no shell manatee', while Gastrodon's Mandarin Chinese name Hǎiniúshòu (海牛獸) means 'manatee beast'. However, a manatee is commonly called a sea cow and is undoubtedly a mammal. Shellos and Gastrodon are based on sea slugs, which are obviously gastropods, so this whole manatee thing makes no sense, unless I'm actually missing something important here.

Eh, whatever. It's probably just a cultural thing.

Two East Sea Gastrodon chillin'.

Gastrodon itself isn't all that interesting, though. In ancient times its entire back was shielded by a sturdy shell, of which there are traces left in its cells, although it is also mentioned that its sturdy shell serves to protect its body. 'Serves', as in simple present tense rather than past tense. Come on, Game Freak, make up your goddamn mind. I know you're busy, but try to get rid of your inconsistencies for once. We're not stupid; give us a little credit here. As for the rest of its flavor, East Sea Forme's Sun and Moon entries mention researchers scouring the oceans of the world in search of a Gastrodon in a color never seen before, as well as experiments that are being conducted by scientists to discover what happens when a Gastrodon is raised in a location other than the sea where it was born. I have no idea what all of this has to do with East Sea Gastrodon specifically, but it's the only form available in Alola and I suspect the 'Gastrodon in a color never seen before' might as well refer to West Sea Gastrodon. In turn, West Sea Gastrodon has strong regenerative capabilities, so it will return to normal within a matter of hours if parts of it are bitten off by fish Pokémon. This was part of Gastrodon's general Dex entries before Sun and Moon, so I guess this trait isn't exclusive to West Sea Forme.

So, the bottom line is that giving the two Gastrodon forms separate Pokédex entries in Sun and Moon was absolutely not necessary.

West Sea Gastrodon chillin' on a cliff.

But Gastrodon has a base HP stat of 111, which is monstrous for HP standards, and base 68 and 82 defense and special defense, respectively. That makes it an excellent tank in battle, provided you use one with a Bold or Relaxed nature to buff up that defense stat. Trust me, it's necessary; in itself, a base 68 defense stat is in nothing to write home about, but a Bold nature and an excellent HP stat renders it more than useful in Gastrodon's case. Just heed grass-type moves, which deal quadruple damage due to its water/ground typing. The only thing about Gastrodon is that it is a pretty straightforward Pokémon with a rather predictable moveset most of the time, despite its versatility. It often carries Recover, Toxic, Scald and either Earth Power or Earthquake; it is genuinely the best moveset for Gastrodon, as it can heal itself with Recover - which is irritating to your opponent when you let it hold the Leftovers - and hit back with STAB moves like Earth Power and Scald. The latter also has a chance to burn the opposing Pokémon, which only adds to Gastrodon's physical bulk due to the attack cut a burn causes. Those are not the only options Gastrodon has, however: it learns useful moves such as Mirror Coat, Counter, Ice Beam, Sludge Bomb, Sludge Wave, Rock Slide, Stone Edge, Clear Smog, Curse, Waterfall and Surf. Its special attack is a base 92, which in combination with its bulk is nothing to really sneeze at, although its base 83 attack and access to Curse might prove to be more helpful to you. If you want to spice up the game a little, Gastrodon is not a bad Pokémon to do that with. Of course, make sure its ability is Storm Drain at all times; not only does this ability make it immune to water-type moves, it also raises its special attack when hit by one. Sticky Hold is useful when you really don't want your item knocked off, but otherwise it is to be avoided, as is Gastrodon's hidden ability Sand Force. This powers up all of its ground-, rock- and steel-type moves in a sandstorm, but Gastrodon isn't that much of a powerhouse in the first place, so I wouldn't bother with it.

I especially like the background here.

Shellos and Gastrodon are no more than okay as far as Pokémon go. I'm not sold on their designs, but I don't carry a hatred or dislike towards it, either. On the contrary, even, because I think Gastrodon's competitive capabilities redeem its bland design a little. I do think the whole East Sea and West Sea differences are a little bit unnecessary, but I guess I can look past that, as it's not a pressing matter to me or something. I would give it 3 stars as a whole, but I guess I cannot put it on the same level with that ridiculous Overcast Forme of Cherrim (which only got 3 stars because of its cute Sunshine Forme), so I'll give it half a star extra instead.

Rating: 3.5/5