#420 - #421: Cherubi & Cherrim

I feel like Gen. IV definitely introduced the largest batch of forgettable Pokémon. I keep failing to remember Finneon and Lumineon are a thing, while I am indifferent towards Buizel and Floatzel; Pokémon like Kricketune, Mothim and Skuntank are easily overlooked, even though I personally really like them; this generation's legendary trio are by far the least used in the competitive metagame; and I feel like stand-alone Pokémon like Carnivine and Chatot don't bring much to the table other than a couple of gimmicky features.

Three basic-stage grass-type Pokémon with the same fucking
face. My GOD, maybe Game Freak and Nintendo are running out
of ideas after all! ;)

But taking home the gold for being the most forgettable Gen. IV Pokémon are Cherubi and Cherrim. Cherubi is just a pre-evolution and so it's not the little guy's fault, but let's be honest: it's literally just a cherry with a second head hanging from its stem. The head isn't sentient and is vestigial in terms of function, but it contains nutrients that contribute to Cherubi's growth as its initial source of food and is apparently very tasty, as several other Pokémon have been observed trying to pluck it off. When the second head begins to bloom, Cherubi is close to evolving into Cherrim... who is nothing but a bud with a pair of feet. This is Cherrim's Overcast Forme, which is its standard form under normal weather conditions and looks like it should be a middle-stage evolution. It only transforms into its Sunshine Forme in harsh sunlight, which doesn't make sense aesthetically: all of a sudden its feet are yellow instead of a deep pink, its eyes are on its head - where they belong - rather than near its feet, and the large purple petals it has as a bud are now small, light pink ones. And then it changes back into its standard Overcast Forme when the sunlight subsides...? I don't get this Pokémon at all. Yes, I know that cherry blossom trees are a staple of the Japanese landscape, and a Pokémon based on these was long overdue, but that doesn't justify creating a Pokémon that doesn't make a lick of sense, at least in my own humble and insignificant opinion. Photonastic traits are not uncommon in plants, but I don't think they change appearance the way Cherrim does.

Huh? Why are those cherry blossoms moving? 

Cherrim, I'm directly talking to you right now: I don't understand you. Why don't you stay in your Sunshine Forme (obviously call it something else, then) and be happy forever instead of being a docile, miserable bud for the majority of your life? You're a Pokémon, a magical being; you're not going to turn deciduous. Not as far as I know, at least.

Nice fan art of Cherrim's Sunshine Forme.

To the reader: don't even think about using this thing in competitive play, because it is absolutely terrible. Should you decide to use it for some unspecified reason, you're in for a bumpy ride: its base stat total of 450, of which its best stats are its base 87 special attack and base 85 speed, renders it pretty much useless. With mediocre offense and speed as well as very mediocre bulk, Cherrim should be avoided at all costs. It's a decent in-game Pokémon, though, with access to hard-hitting STAB moves like Petal Dance and Energy Ball, as well as type coverage in Dazzling Gleam. It gets Weather Ball through breeding, so maybe a sun strategy might work should you decide to use a bred Cherubi/Cherrim in a new playthrough: Sunny Day to set up harsh sunlight, Solar Beam for instant STAB damage (charges up a turn first when the weather conditions are normal), Weather Ball for 100-power fire-type damage (it's a 50-power normal-type move in normal weather conditions), and Dazzling Gleam for fairy-type coverage. This strategy does make Cherrim extra vulnerable to fire types, so it might not be the smartest idea, but at least it's an in-game option for you to consider. I guess it's something, although there are much better grass-type Pokémon to choose from.

3D art of Cherrim's Overcast and Sunshine Formes. 

I don't like how Cherrim's two forms are nothing alike. The incredible thing is that I don't hate the design of its Sunshine Forme at all, as I think it's actually pretty cute. It's just... what purpose does this Pokémon serve? You'll almost always see it in its Overcast Forme, as extraordinary weather conditions in-game are pretty rare, and even then you'll rarely encounter Cherrim. It was also a hassle to get, as the only way to obtain Cherubi in Diamond, Pearl and Platinum was to slather Honey on trees and wait six hours for a Pokémon to appear. Not Cherubi specifically; no, a randomly generated Pokémon. That's just not worth it.

Overall, I'm giving Cherrim 3 stars, only because its ridiculous Overcast Forme exists. 

P.S.: Don't get me started about that so-called marijuana reference in Cherubi's National Pokédex number, just because this Pokémon is a grass type. I am aware of it and I think it's stupid. Cherubi makes you high as much as Vivillion is the spawn of Satan or Bellsprout an actual reference to a blowjob. So, in other words: not at all.

Rating: 3/5

#418 - #419: Buizel & Floatzel

It's been exactly two weeks since I last updated this blog, and I have only one reason for my absence: I just didn't feel like writing anything. I need a break sometimes too, guys!

Official art of Buizel by Ken Sugimori, which is courtesy of none other than
Nintendo and The Pokémon Company, even when it's mirrored.

Anyway, today's topic is Buizel, and by extension its evolution Floatzel. To be honest, I've never thought much about Buizel and Floatzel; they've never appealed to me all that much, but they've never offended me in the slightest, either - unlike a certain other Gen. IV Pokémon I don't even want to call by its actual name. Buizel and Floatzel were just... there. They're still just there, and I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing, because failing to evoke any response or emotion from people other than indifference is not going to make them remember that these Pokémon exist in the first place. Not easily, anyway. At least Pelipper will always be remembered for being an obnoxious little shit - and I believe it was created to purposely trigger people, but that's beside the point. To a certain degree, Game Freak are doing an excellent job when they create a Pokémon that summons feelings of rage and/or resentment in the fandom, although being indifferent towards a certain Pokémon probably has a much better effect on your blood pressure in the long run.

Two happy Buizel. 

Buizel's design is... interesting. This mustelid with fins has a large yellow flotation sac around its neck that it can inflate whenever necessary, but as it's a pure water type you'd think it wouldn't need that flotation device, right? Maybe it has trouble keeping its head out of the water when on the lookout for prey, and the inflatable collar keeps it afloat. I don't want to nitpick, but we've seen weirder aquatic mammalian Pokémon that could stay afloat or keep their heads above water without a flotation device just fine. Plus, they don't have the downside of this device collapsing when they go diving. The thing is that Buizel and Floatzel's designs are commonly believed to have been derived from river otters (even though its German name Bojelin is derived from Hermelin, the German word for 'stoat' or 'ermine', and I personally believe they look more like weasels), so I don't really understand why the whole buoy aspect was integrated in their designs in the first place, but oh well. The two tails Buizel has are used to propel itself through the water by rotating them like a screw, though, making it an agile swimmer nonetheless. Floatzel's flotation device is more like a buoyant vest, although the life jacket theory can be thrown overboard - pun most definitely intended - when it's laying on its back in the water, as the flotation sac could be interpreted as a dinghy instead, especially when Floatzel uses its tails as a propeller and its fins as oars. As opposed to Buizel, however, Floatzel apparently has more control over its flotation device, being able to deflate it when diving and inflate it once again when it wishes to resurface. It is therefore often used as a lifeguard Pokémon to assist in the rescues of drowning people.

Now that I think about it, Floatzel makes a whole lot more sense than Buizel...

Bijschrift toevoegen

How does Floatzel fare in the competitive scene, though? Well, while it is very strong and speedy physical attacker, it is as fragile as a porcelain vase. Its base 85 HP can't save its garbage base 55 and 50 defenses, which means it will almost always be knocked out instantly when hit by a super-effective or STAB attack, and definitely when it's a super-effective STAB attack. Even though its only weaknesses are electric and grass and grass-type moves aren't prevalent in the competitive metagame, the chances of Floatzel surviving a hit are pretty slim. That's why you should let your Floatzel attack before it gets hit, rocking a powerful Jolly nature and a Choice Band or Life Orb as its held item. You don't have a whole lot of choices when it comes to moves, unfortunately: Waterfall, Ice Punch and Aqua Jet are must-haves, while Aqua Tail, Pursuit, Crunch, Brick Break, Low Kick and Iron Tail are the only other viable physical-based options for you to consider. I gravitate more towards Crunch or Brick Break, for the sake of type coverage as well as strength and accuracy. Lastly, make sure Floatzel has its hidden ability Water Veil, which prevents it from getting burned, as the speed boost in the rain that it gets from Swift Swim is purely situational, unless you use it on a rain team.

Also, Smogon mentions special movesets for Floatzel, and I don't understand why. Yes, moves like Hydro Pump and Focus Blast are stronger than Waterfall and Brick Break, but they are also inaccurate and therefore more unreliable than you'd prefer. Most of the time you're better off using physical attacks due to Floatzel's superior attack stat as well as Waterfall and Brick Break's beneficial secondary effects.

GIF of two Buizel and two Floatzel jumping out of the water.

Like I said, I was - and I am still - indifferent towards both Buizel and Floatzel. I know Ash owned a Buizel, but that's not going to improve my rating at all. I have never seen the Diamond and Pearl saga of the anime to begin with, so I wouldn't know what this Buizel was actually like when being with Ash, and if I recall correctly, Buizel originally wasn't even Ash's Pokémon. He traded his Aipom for Dawn's Buizel, because Aipom was more interested in Dawn's Contest-oriented training and Buizel was more interested in Ash's training for Gym battles, which I also mentioned in Aipom and Ambipom's review. I wrote that article more than 15 months ago, so kudos to me for actually remembering that. As for Floatzel... Well, it does have an interesting design and flavor, and it's definitely not a terrible Pokémon to use competitively, so I guess I could spare it 3.5 stars for being a more-than-decent Pokémon all around. Personally, I'm just not interested in using it in any way possible.

Some Pokémon just aren't my cup of tea, even though there's absolutely nothing negative I can say about them. I guess Floatzel is one of them.

Rating: 3.5/5

#417: Pachirisu

I shall never underestimate Pachirisu in my life ever again, that's for sure.

Adorable little Pachi running around in an open field.

While Plusle and Minun served the purpose of showing the synergy between certain Pokémon in Double Battles, Pachirisu seems to represent Gen. IV's connectivity to the Internet: its color pattern matches that of the official Nintendo Wi-Fi logo, its face marking and the spikes on its tail both bear resemblances to a W, and it appeared on the Wi-Fi connection screen on Diamond, Pearl and Platinum. Characteristically, Pachirisu is nothing more than an electric-type squirrel doing squirrel things... with a creative twist. Pachirisu sheds its fur, which it shapes into statically charged furballs. It hides its favorite foods -mostly berries - in these furballs, after which it proceeds to store them in tree holes. If a human or another Pokémon tries to take the food, they will get shocked from the static, so it does so to protect the food. Pachi is more than just a bunch of fluff making furballs crackling with electricity, though; it also rubs its cheek pouches against those of others of its kind in order to exchange stored electricity, it grooms its fluffy tail with the utmost precision, and it uses its impeccably spotless tail as a pillow by curling it around the front of its body.

D'awww, isn't it cute? 

There's nothing overly exciting about Pachirisu, other than the fact that the audience went wild when Sejun Park (officially Park Se-jun; in South Korea - as well as in quite a few other Asian countries - the family name comes before the given name) won the 2014 Pokémon World Championships with none other than Pachirisu on his team. He even took a small Pachi plushie onto the stage with him as a lucky charm. That is not to say you can freely create a competitive set for Pachirisu and expect it to work as amazingly as it did for Park, as the Pokémon World Championships are played in a Doubles format and that is exactly the format in which Pachi has a chance to excel. I usually talk about Singles when I mention competitive sets in my reviews, but I guess talking about Doubles is unavoidable in this case. Pachi's job is to lead incoming attacks away from its ally and draw them to itself with Follow Me, even healing some HP with a Sitrus Berry in a pinch, only for the more powerful ally to hit the two opposing Pokémon hard and fast without getting hurt. Surprisingly enough, Pachirisu possesses some substantial bulk to pull that off, but only when it has a defense-boosting nature and most EVs are invested in HP and defense. Rounding out its moveset are Protect for stalling, Super Fang to take away half of the opposing Pokémon's remaining HP, and Nuzzle to paralyze the foe. The latter even deals some damage, potentially breaking a Focus Sash or Sturdy, which is why this move is only available to Pikachu clones. In a one-on-one format, however, Pachirisu is considerably less usable. Its bulk works perfectly in Doubles, when attacks that hit multiple opponents are significantly weaker, but in Singles it still can't take a full-power STAB Earthquake from a Garchomp to the face.

Pika and Pachi rubbing their cheeks together. Look at these bundles of sheer
adorableness! 

I'm impressed Sejun Park actually managed to win the Pokémon World Championships due in large part to Pachirisu, catching opponents off guard and this way gaining momentum because they were unprepared, but there's just no way in hell that this Pokémon can be used effectively in-game or even in the Singles metagame - in-game because its base 45 offensive stats render it too weak, and in Singles because its bulk and utility moves fall too short in order for them to be effective. Pachirisu has the lowest base stat total of any Pokémon that was part of a winning team at the Pokémon World Championships, and that shows when using it in any way other than Doubles. It's still cute in its own right, though.

Rating: 4.5/5

#415 - #416: Combee & Vespiquen

Combee's hexagonal shape perfectly lends it for locking together
with others of its kind, thus forming a 'wall'. There is even a shiny
Combee thrown into the mix. 

So now it's time to introduce the most useless Pokémon in the history of the entire franchise: male Combee. While Combee is pretty weak in itself, Pokémon that are equally weak or even weaker are often still able to evolve into more superior versions of themselves. Male Combee are based on drones, male bees in a bee hive that are the products of unfertilized eggs and serve to mate with a fertile queen bee. Unlike the female worker bees, drones don't have stingers and do not gather nectar and pollen. This is exactly the reason why only female Combee evolve into Vespiquen, which wouldn't be a problem if the gender ratio hadn't been 87,5% to 12,5%, with male Combee notably dominating the scene. In Diamond and Pearl, it was a very elaborate and tedious task to get Vespiquen, as Combee only appeared in Honey trees. In order to catch one, you had to slather Honey on designated trees and wait at least six fucking hours before a Pokémon appeared. Even then you couldn't be sure you'd get the right species of Pokémon - which is determined at the time a tree is slathered, so saving the game and resetting doesn't work - and if you did manage to get a Combee, you would have to get a female one in order for you to get Vespiquen at all. It's too much of a hassle for a Pokémon that isn't even that good in the first place, but whatever...

Some nice fan art of female Combee.

Admittedly, Combee's design is fairly interesting, aesthetically reminiscent to honey bees (well, duh!) as well as honeycombs. Combee is composed of three pieces of orange hexagonal honeycomb, and each hexagon has its own round face. The bottom-center one is the main thinker of the three and is also the only one to have a red mark on its forehead (if female) and a full abdomen, while the top two 'bees' coordinate the flying. Combee is almost always found collecting nectar, carrying it from flower to flower or taking it to its colony to please the queen, although the collected floral honey can have other purposes as well. When not gathering honey, it sleeps or protects its queen, which it does so by risking it life and recklessly attack any threats or by creating a hive with other Combee and locking together into some kind of wall.

Big bad Vespiquen comin' at ya.

Speaking of queens, the English name of Vespiquen is the only one referring to wasps rather than bees. It comes from vespa, which is Latin for wasp, although it's also the name given to a genus of wasps - specifically hornets. Granted, Vespiquen's black and slender waist connecting its abdomen and round upper body kinda give it the aesthetic of a paper wasp. More than anything, however, it seems to embody an entire beehive, not only because it's the queen bee or looks like real-life queens in some ways - the horn-like projections on its head resemble a hairstyle historically favored by early medieval-period English queens, and its lower body looks like an elegant ballroom gown - but also because there are honeycomb-like cells underneath its abdomen that serve as a nest for its grubs, making them do its bidding by excreting various pheromones while fighting foes. This manifests itself in-game in the fact that Vespiquen has access to no fewer than three signature moves, complete with animations that show several regular-looking bees performing a type of action: Attack Order to attack the foe for base 90 bug-type damage, Defend Order to raise Vespiquen's defense and special defense by one stage each, and Heal Order to recover half of Vespiquen's HP.

Vespiquen surrounded by its slaves. 

Unfortunately, Vespiquen's stats don't allow it to hit very hard or defend very well. Its base 80 offensive stats are okay for in-game purposes, but competitively they're practically unusable. On top of that, its base 102 defenses are backed up by a base 70 HP stat that could be considered no more than just okay, and its speed is just downright terrible. Also, Vespiquen has a quadruple weakness to rock due to its bug/flying type, and as Stone Edge and Rock Slide are prevalent in competitive play, it's bound to take one to the face eventually. Smogon mentions an offensive utility set supported by a Timid nature and a Life Orb, but do you really want that? You can probably 2HKO pretty much everything with a Bug Buzz when you're doing a regular playthrough, but a base 80 special attack stat really won't suffice in the competitive scene. In addition to that, Vespiquen is too slow to execute the utility part in 'offensive utility', so it won't be able to set up Tailwind effectively or take down a foe quickly with Destiny Bond, let alone do anything worthwhile with something else from its terribly shallow support movepool. It does get Defog, but only in the Gen. IV games, so you'd have to transfer it all the way from Diamond and Pearl to Sun and Moon. Not the worth the hassle. So, should you round out its moveset with two more special moves instead? Ironically, Vespiquen is able to learn the special-based rock-type move Power Gem naturally, while Sludge Bomb (via TM) might be a good option for the fairy types running around in competitive lately. A better option is to just make it physically defensive with a Bold nature and give it the Leftovers, but that's kind of redundant with such a terrible support movepool at its disposal.

Sadly, that's it. You could opt to go for a physical set instead, but the only good physical-based moves Vespiquen learns are Attack Order, X-Scissor and Acrobatics, the latter of which forces you to omit its held item from the set. And that's just... not favorable in the slightest, to say the least.

Funny fan art of Vespiquen seducing Beedrill. 

I like Vespiquen, I really do, but some Pokémon are designed or executed in such a way that makes them terrible while they were clearly supposed to be good. Vespiquen is one of them, and it's difinitely a pity it underwhelms me to some degree; I mean, its design and concept are sure interesting, but I boxed it in one of my Pokémon X playthroughs in favor of... well, Mothim, of all things. That Pokémon has something of an edge over Vespiquen due to its higher speed and access to Quiver Dance, and for some reason it also has far superior offensive stats. If anything, Vespiquen should have been a little bit faster and specially offensive in exchange for losing some of its physical attack, as I think it has no reason at all to have equally mediocre attacking stats in the first place, but that's probably none of my beeswax.

Rating: 4/5

#412 - #414: Burmy, Wormadam & Mothim

Burmy feeling uncomfortable losing its cloak.

As if the Gen. II Pokémon Pineco and Forretress weren't enough already, Diamond and Pearl gave us more bagworm Pokémon in the form of Burmy and Wormadam. Unlike Pineco, however, Burmy doesn't blow up in your face as early as level 6, nor does it have any useful moves in its level-up moveset. In fact, Burmy just uses Protect to avoid any damage on its persona, annoying players all around the world. This Pokémon learns a grand total of six moves, two of which can only be learned through a Move Tutor in Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire, so basically the only thing it can do is stall the player out and do nothing in particular. That sounds contradictory, but it's not. As Burmy is vulnerable in its bare form, it composes a cloak made of twigs and leaves that is thinner in hot weather and thicker in the winter in order to shelter itself from cold and wintry winds. It doesn't always stay in the same form, however: if its cloak gets broken, Burmy quickly remakes it with materials nearby. This manifests itself in the games quite well, as Burmy takes on a specific kind of cloak based on the location where it last 'battled' - Plant Cloak (green) in grassy areas, Sandy Cloak (beige) in caves or on beaches, or Trash Cloak (pink) in buildings.

Female Burmy evolve into Wormadam (bottom left), while male
Burmy evolve into Mothim (bottom right). 

Changing its cloak doesn't change the fact that it is a bug type, nor does it gain him an additional type on top of its bug typing. However, its cloak does have an effect on wich typing its evolution Wormadam ends up with when it evolves at level 20: Plant Cloak Wormadam is bug/grass, Sandy Cloak Wormadam is bug/ground, and Trash Cloak Wormadam is bug/steel. The cloak is now part of Wormadam's body and is never shed, and therefore this Pokémon cannot change its typing at will; it will always stay in the same form. Apart from their distinctive typings, the different forms of Wormadam also have their own unique base stat distributions: Plant Cloak is more specially oriented, Sandy Cloak is more physically oriented, and Trash Cloak takes a more defensive approach. Not that it matters much, because in this case, physically or specially oriented means a mediocre attack or special attack stat as well as a good defense or special defense stat backed up by a mediocre HP stat. A physically oriented Wormadam is terrible anyway, so Sandy Cloak is out. Trash Cloak is moderately defensive with its base 95 defense and special defense, but its HP is still lackluster and it can't attack for shit with those bad offensive stats, so that one is also out of the running. That means Plant Cloak is the only remaining Wormadam form, and with base 79 special attack and 105 special defense - along with access to Quiver Dance and a decent special movepool - it is the only one who is somewhat viable for an in-game team.

Yo, these moth Pokémon are drawn so well. Great style!
Clockwise starting from the top left: Dustox, Mothim,
Venomoth and Volcarona, with Masquerain in the middle. 

But as Burmy is based on a bagworm pupa that will metamorphose into a moth if male or remain a pupa-like creature if female, it also has another evolution. Only female Burmy evolve into Wormadam; male Burmy evolve into Mothim, who is - indeed - a moth Pokémon. It is one of the better ones in my opinion, especially compared to Venomoth and Dustox, but I guess I'm a little biased because I used one in a Pokémon X playthrough and I enjoyed it tremendously. Not only do I like its design and color scheme better than any one of the Wormadam, its stat distribution is far more workable, too: it has base 94 attack and special attack as well as slightly more HP and a significantly higher speed stat than Wormadam. Its base 66 speed stat still isn't anything to write home about, mind you, but it's pretty decent after a Quiver Dance boost and allows it to actually outspeed some things. And shit, does this thing have an awesome moveset for a goddamn moth; Bug Buzz, Air Slash and Psychic are level-up moves and will suffice to complete its moveset, although it also learns Energy Ball and Shadow Ball by means of TMs and Electroweb and Giga Drain when you take it to the Move Tutor in Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire. Too bad Mothim is so frail, but I guess it's a far more efficient Quiver Dance user than Wormadam. I wouldn't recommend using it competitively, but it makes for a more-than-decent addition to any in-game team.

Mothim in the anime series.

The only thing that really bugs me about Wormadam is that it learns Confusion, Psybeam and Psychic by level-up as well as Dream Eater by TM, which applies to all Wormadam forms and implies they all should have been part psychic, but absolutely nothing in their designs and/or flavor implicates that they have any psychic abilities. Mothim learns them also, but it's not uncommon for Game Freak to give moth and butterfly Pokémon psyhic-type moves like Confusion and Psybeam, to name a few. Wormadam, on the other hand, has no business knowing those moves and cannot make use of them effectively. It's fucking dumb, really.

A more realistic interpretation of Mothim. Although its body is now reduced to a
fluffy ball, I still think it's cute.

I don't hate Wormadam. If anything, I'm impartial towards it - I can't say that I'm the biggest fan of this Pokémon, but it's here now and I'm bothered by neither its design nor its flavor. Burmy and Wormadam are a sensible take on the traditional bagworm, only with a twist; even the pink Trash Cloak Wormadam with its bug/steel typing makes a certain amount of sense, as its cloak is based on the pink-colored building insulation material made of fiberglass. Mothim makes the exact same amount of sense as Wormadam, and even though it's nothing else but the zillionth bug/flying type, there are so many more things that I love about it, including its shiny coloration.

Oh man, can I just say that its shiny is downright gorgeous? It's definitely one of my favorites so far.

Rating Wormadam: 3/5

Rating Mothim: 5/5

#410 - #411: Shieldon & Bastiodon

Official art of Shieldon by none other than Ken Sugimori.

As the defensive counterparts of Cranidos and Rampardos, we have the rock/steel dual types Shieldon and Bastiodon. While steel is my favorite type, I am not the biggest fan of this evolution line. Resurrected from the Armor Fossil rather than the Skull Fossil, Shieldon is a ceratopsid dinosaur with a shield for a face and evolves into a ceratopsid dinosaur with an entire wall for a face. It's weirdly appropriate when you consider the fact that they're based on protoceratops andrewsi and the genus of chasmosaurus, respectively. The latter is known for containing species with head growths called frills, which have large openings called fenestrae in them, very much like the yellow marks on Bastiodon's protective growth that resemble windows in castle walls. Unlike Cranidos and Rampardos, who have quite the temperament, Shieldon and its evolution are docile and gentle Pokémon who wouldn't even hurt a fly - not that they could, because their offensive stats are absolutely atrocious, but I'll get back to that later. While Shieldon spends its time polishing its outstandingly armored facial hide against tree trunks instead of banging walls, Bastiodon doesn't even have to worry about that anymore: its wall-like face is so strong it can deflect even the strongest of attacks, which is why they line up and form an impenetrable wall in order to protect their young. Though in stark contrast to its superb frontal defense, it is vulnerable from behind.

A more realistic take on Bastiodon. I think it looks great!

Fortunately, Pokémon are facing each other in a Pokémon battle, so Bastiodon doesn't have to worry about its rear end in the competitive metagame. Also, it's not how the game mechanics work, either: if Bastiodon were to hit by a move like Phantom Force or Hyperspace Fury, two-turn moves that make the user vanish during the first turn and attack the target from behind in the following turn, its massive physical defense stat isn't lowered all of a sudden. And that's just as well, because Bastiodon is an extremely defensive Pokémon on both sides of the spectrum. Remember that I told you Rampardos is sometimes used as a suicide lead used for setting up Stealth Rock? Well, Bastiodon is so much better suited for that due to its defensive traits. Considering its base 138 special defense is lower than its base 168 physical defense, it often has a nature that boosts its special defense, such as a Careful, Calm or Sassy one. Combine that with Sturdy - an ability that leaves it at 1 HP when attacked at full HP, provided the attack would otherwise have knocked it out - and the Leftovers, and you'll have a Pokémon that is tough to take down. It is very vulnerable to fighting- and ground-type moves, but there's a nifty tactic that lets it take revenge in a snap: Metal Burst. If you make sure Bastiodon is at full HP and can take an Earthquake to the face, you can retaliate with Metal Burst, which is a Counter and Mirror Coat in one and does 1.5 times the damage dealt by the foe in HP points, either physically or specially. Unlike Counter and Mirror Coat, however, Metal Burst does not have decreased priority, so Bastiodon is the only Pokémon that can reliably make use of it because of its outrageously low speed stat. There's Aggron, Bisharp and Alolan Sandslash, but they're all powerhouses and benefit more from all-out physical attacks, and Solgaleo and Dialga definitely don't need it because they're relatively fast.

I'd almost forget completing Bastiodon's competitive moveset because I ranted on about Metal Burst. Well, that and Stealth Rock should be its staple moves, although Toxic is always a reliable classic and Roar can be used to remove Pokémon from the battlefield that are trying to set up. Alternatively, Magic Coat (so not Mirror Coat) reflects any moves that cause status conditions or put up entry hazards on your side of the field back to the original user.

Bastiodon looks menacing and intimidating, but it is in fact a very docile and
gentle Pokémon.

Shieldon and Bastiodon are a couple of oddballs. I don't know if the nose bone, reminiscent of those from various indigenous tribes, was intentional on Game Freak's part, but it's kind of putting me off and I don't think it was entirely necessary for design completion. The whole castle wall aspect is a bit confusing, as castles are a medieval occurrence and not a prehistoric one, but castles in the Pokémon world could have been inspired by Bastiodon's design, so I'll let this one slide. All in all, I like Bastiodon well enough, only for its moderately derpy design, but it's far from my favorite Pokémon. Steel type or no, this one is not getting a perfect or near perfect rating from me.

Rating: 4/5

#408 - #409: Cranidos & Rampardos

You'd think everything could only go downhill from here after all that praise for Luxray, but we're not even close to the end. Gen. V has the best roster of Pokémon out of all generations, and we'll have to wade through the majority of Gen. IV Pokémon before we get to the greatest Pokémon generation of all time.

The juvenile forms of all fossil Pokémon, with Cranidos at the far left, apparently
starting a skirmish with Tyrunt.

Fortunately for me, the 'struggle' is made easier by Pokémon like Rampardos, whom I have a soft spot for. I never realized the Gen. IV fossil Pokémon come so early in the Pokédex, especially since the player character can't start digging up fossils in the Sinnoh Underground until they arrive in Eterna City, which is pretty early on but still a couple of cities away from the last Pokémon we reviewed: you'd have to run some errands in Jubilife City, Oreburgh City and Floaroma Town before you get to Eterna City, and on the routes and landmarks between Jubilife and Eterna are a bunch of new Pokémon to be caught, including those found exclusively in Honey trees scattered all over the goddamn region. Why Cranidos and Shieldon appear so early in the National Pokédex is beyond me, but I guess the game developers had a reason for it. I'm not complaining; I just thought I'd point it out.

TCG art of Cranidos getting ready for... something.

In any case, Cranidos is a curious little critter, being based on the extinct species of pachycephalosaurus wyomingensis - or a pachycephalosaur for short. The species is known for their thick, ossified skulls surrounded by nodes and/or spikes, very much like Cranidos. The latter's main attacking prowess involves charging headfirst into its opponents, which is largely in line with the headbutting tendencies of the pachycephalosaur. 100 years in the past, Cranidos even used its skills to combat Aerodactyl, apparently engaging in a feud that ended until it went extinct. Practicing with others of its kind is a common leisure activity among the species, as their craniums are as hard as steel and they like to toughen them up by headbutting one another. When Cranidos evolves into Rampardos at level 30, the earliest of any fossil Pokémon along with Shieldon, the design is just being extended upon. While Bulbapedia suggests Rampardos is based on either stygimoloch spinifer or dracorex hogwartsia (yes, this dinosaur species is indeed named after Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry from the Harry Potter series) due to its height and the larger horns, it is commonly suggested that both species are in fact juvenile specimens of the pachycephalosaur. There is no scientific evidence to back up that claim just yet, but let's go with it.

Tyrantrum vs. Rampardos. Whose Head Smash would hit harder? Rampardos
inarguably has the better attack stat, but Tyrantrum benefits from much better bulk
altogether. 

Essentially, Rampardos is just an upgraded version of Cranidos. This is not entirely a given in the Pokémon franchise, as quite a number of evolved Pokémon have flavor texts that differ from those of their pre-evolutions, but I guess in this case it's fitting. A charging Rampardos can knock down virtually anything with one hit, pulverizing even the most durable of objects upon impact. Its Pokédex entry from Pokémon Moon even states that records exist of a revived fossil that evolved into Rampardos, escaped and proceeded to destroy a skyscraper. On the other hand, if two of them were to smash their heads together, their foot-thick craniums would keep them from fainting. In short, Rampardos is a brute capable of destroying everything around it if it feels like it, demonstrated in-game by its massive base 165 attack stat. That's the highest of any fully evolved Pokémon, barring Megas and legendaries (Ultra Beasts included), and it doesn't even have an ability that hinders it.

Whew, this Rampardos is scary, goddamn.

But unlike Slaking, who has Truant to hinder its battle prowess, Rampardos's stats are either subpar or just downright bad. Its base 97 HP is great, but it doesn't have the defenses to back it up, and most of the time it is too slow to move first. There is a way to get around that, by breeding a Jolly nature onto it and giving it a Choice Scarf in order to effectively maximize its speed. Its base 165 attack lets it hit like a truck anyway, so you might as well max out its speed while you're at it. After that, though, the Choice Scarf lets Rampardos use only one move to attack with until it is switched out, so that in itself limits it as well. In that regard, ditching an attacking move for Rock Polish might be an option if you think you can pull it off. A Life Orb set with the hidden ability Sheer Force (removes added effects of moves in exchange for a 30% boost in power) and an Adamant or Jolly nature might also give you what you're looking for: Rock Slide is a STAB move that hits hard when boosted by Sheer Force - as well as Zen Headbutt, Crunch, Fire Punch, Thunder Punch and Iron Head, by the way - and Hammer Arm, Superpower, Earthquake and Outrage generally hit very hard when used by Rampardos. Another role it could fulfill is that of suicide lead, used for setting up Stealth Rock after living a hit at full HP with a Focus Sash. With its ability Mold Breaker, it can even negate the effects of abilities that could potentially affect the damage or effects of a move that it executes. There are other Pokémon who are much better suited for that role, though, and using Rampardos as a suicide lead is actually a waste of potential.

Also, Smogon mentions mixed sets on Rampardos, but I wouldn't recommend that in the slightest. Even with Sheer Force, its base 65 special attack doesn't allow it to hit hard with moves such as Ice Beam, Thunderbolt and Fire Blast in the first place, so I think you're better off with Fire Punch and Thunder Punch, just to new a few attacks.

Some nifty 3D art of Rampardos.

Cranidos and Rampardos are the only mono-type fossil Pokémon, but they are my favorites by a large margin. I agree with many people that Rampardos's design is a bit awkward and messy, but that is exactly why I like it so much. Also, the black-and-blue color scheme is one of the reasons why I love Luxray so much, and the same applies to Rampardos, albeit to a lesser degree. I used one in my very first Diamond playthough, also just like Luxray, and it demolished everything in its path. And that is exactly what I'm looking for in a Pokémon when casually playing through a game.

Rating: 5/5