#371 - #373: Bagon, Shelgon & Salamence

While Game Freak really had a thing for medieval bowl cuts during the Johto era, they took a huge leap forward in time and reinvented the mullet when creating their Hoenn Pokémon. Shiftry was one of the two unfortunate souls to have gotten this terrible '80s haircut, but the first Pokémon I'm going to discuss today is so fortunate not to be obliged to stay this way, unlike Shiftry.

Bagon jumping off a goddamn cliff because it wants to fly.
Yeah, it is that boneheaded - quite literally, too. 

Bagon looks like a feisty little baby dragon living in rugged terrains, and in Hoenn it is indeed found in the deepest cave of Meteor Falls. It harbors a never-ending dream of one day soaring high in the skies and hurls itself off of cliffs every day in doomed efforts to fly. When it is frustrated at its inability to fly, however, it smashes its head against huge rocks and shatters them into pebbles or powder. This activity of continually bashing its head results in it becoming as hard as tempered steel, which implies that it shares some traits with the pachycephalosaurus - thick-skulled dinosaurs known for their extravagant skull roofs - even though we would get a full-fledged pachycephalosauridae family with Cranidos and Rampardos one generation later. Bagon's Sun entry even takes Game Freak's dumbness to the next level by stating that its desire to fly is assumed to be the influence of information carried in its genes. NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! Bagon's final stage is Salamence, which is a dragon/flying type and actually is able to fly and - here it comes! - produce other fucking Bagon. Surely baby Bagon are taught by their Mommies and/or Daddies that they will fly one day if only they would have a little bit of PATIENCE, right? Surely.

Oh Game Freak, I just flat out love your stupidity and ignorance sometimes.

Bagon, Shelgon ain't likin' this shit. Go jump off a cliff
or someting, but get off of there at once.

In order for Bagon to be able to fly, though, it has to go through an odd pupal stage for no less than 20 levels. There are bone structures covering Shelgon's body, which repel enemy attacks but make it extremely heavy, causing it to neither drink nor eat. Sucks for Shelgon, as it is trapped inside a musty cocoon and limited in its movements when it really, really, really wants to fly. Therefore, cells in Shelgon's armor-like shell are in the midst of transformation to create an entirely new body. Shelgon's wish to fly comes true when it finally reaches its final stage at level 50, evolving into a mighty flying salamander. And powerful it is, as it's prone to completely losing its shit, whether it be out of joy (flying around spouting flames from its mouth, making it bear a liking to archetypal fire-breathing European dragons) or rage (locking itself into an uncontrollable rampage, destroying everything around it until it tires itself out). And all because its desire to fly triggered a mutation that allowed it to grow large, red wings reminiscent to those of a manga character called Devilman - which I have never heard of, by the way. It becomes even worse when Salamence Mega-evolves, when it becomes even more brutal than ever before, up to the point where it is liable to turn against the Trainer who raised it. Anything and anyone in Mega Salamence's path will get sliced in two by its blade-like wings, posing no interruption to its flight, which earned it the notorious nickname of "the blood-soaked crescent". Yikes.

Some badass fan art of Salamence.

And you know what? Salamence is a monster in competitive play, as it is fast and strong and has decent bulk to it. The only downside is that it has a quadruple weakness to ice, making it unable to take even a non-STAB Icy Wind from a Gengar. That's quite alright, though, as you'll have other Pokémon to counter such things. Just try to compose a moveset to the best of your ability, for there are several different ways to utilize Salamence's strength. The first is a Life Orb set supported by a Jolly nature to maximize its speed and the move Dragon Dance to raise its speed and attack by one stage each every time it is used. The second is a Choice Band set supported by a Jolly nature and nothing but attacking moves - preferably physical, although Salamence's base 110 special attack allows it to fire off special attacks quite well, should you be looking for a mixed attacker. You could also opt for a Choice Scarf set, which allows you to potentially run an Adamant nature instead of a Jolly one. For a regular Salamence, the ability Moxie - which increases Salamence's attack by one stage every time it knocks out a Pokémon - is favored at all times, although the attack drop from Intimidate could put opposing Pokémon at a disadvantage at first.

Big, bad Mega Salamence.

When running the Salamencite set, Intimidate is pretty much required. You want to Mega-evolve Salamence as soon as possible, and not just when you've knocked out another Pokémon first in order to get a Moxie boost, so the attack drop from Intimidate before Mega-evolving could give you an edge. Moreover, Mega Salamence is crazy strong anyway; so strong, in fact, that it was banned to Smogon's legendary Uber tier. And if you're up against some insanely powerful legendaries, lowering their attack first could greatly benefit you, especially when you still have to set up with a move like Dragon Dance. After that, though, it'll be fairly easy for Mega Salamence to sweep - or at least leave huge dents in the teams of opponents, allowing you to finish them off quickly. The biggest difference with a regular Salamence's set is that Mega Salamence has Aerilate - I often hear other people butcher it to "Aerialate" for some reason - which is an ability that changes all normal-type moves into flying-type moves and even gives them a 20% boost, meaning Mega Salamence fares greatly on moves like Return and Double-Edge all of a sudden. Mega Salamence does still receive recoil damage from Double-Edge, so if you're going to abuse it, a move like Roost to heal its HP mid-match wouldn't be a luxury.

This image is all kinds of awesome! 

I am not as big a fan of pseudo-legendaries as I probably should be (Pokémon like Dragonite, Tyranitar, Salamence, Garchomp and Goodra are fan favorites, but I don't find them nearly as appealing or exciting as certain other Pokémon), and I'm probably one of the few not giving Salamence a perfect rating - if other people would also rate Pokémon, that is. Now, I think regular Salamence is a little bland design-wise, but I quite like the kite and/or aircraft design on its Mega form, earning it at least 4 stars out of 5. Not bad.

Rating: 4/5

#370: Luvdisc

I still have no idea why this thing even exists. What I want to know is who the goddamn hell came up with a heart-shaped discus fish as a Pokémon and had the chutzpah to name it Luvdisc. It is also the weakest single-stage Pokémon to date, with base stats of 43 for HP, 30 for attack, 55 for defense, 40 for special attack, 65 for special defense and, finally, a whopping 97 for speed! That means Luvdisc is at least fast enough to do... well, absolutely fucking nothing. This thing has a base stat total of only 330 and it isn't even able to evolve (everybody was surprised that Luvdisc and Alomomola, a Gen. V Pokémon that was introduced years later, weren't related whatsoever), meaning it's only good for wasting space in your PC box. Or for harvesting Heart Scales, for that matter, but even that has been made quite redundant recently, as they're fairly easy to obtain without abusing the hell out of a bunch of Luvdisc first. Seriously, just catch one to fill your Pokédex and immediately trade it off for a Steelix with a guy in the Cyllage City Pokémon Center. I swear, that's a hell of a trade.

Shitty Pokémon is shitty.

So shitty, in fact, that absolutely nobody fucking wants it.

This bitch ain't nothing but a flat, pink, heart-shaped fish. 

And that's a problem when these kissing gouramis are found LITERALLY EVERYWHERE! In Ruby, Sapphire and their remakes, you can't even fish for another Pokémon without encountering a couple of Luvdisc first, and in X and Y they are found all along the western and northwestern coastal area of Kalos. During the spawning season, countless Luvdisc congregate at coral reefs, turning the waters a brilliant pink. That's when you know when there are too goddamn many of them. Tentacool? Zubat? Give me a break, it's Pelipper and Luvdisc I'm tired of seeing all the fucking time. And then its name... "Love disc?" Are you serious? I, of all people, could have come up with that name, and I dare say I'm pretty unimaginative. Well, it earned its name by swimming after loving couples it spotted in the ocean's waves, and it has been a symbol of love and romance ever since, so I guess I'm not the only one who's terrible at making up names. We all know two people in love are cringy as hell, right? It is said that any couple meeting this Pokémon is promised a loving, eternal relationship, and there is a custom from long ago of giving a Luvdisc as a gift to express one's feelings of love. Honeymoon hotels even release this Pokémon into their pools on a regular basis because couples have a soft spot for it. Trust me, if I am given a Luvdisc by my boyfriend as an expression of his love, I'd throw that goddamn thing right back at him anime style and say he'll have to fetch me a Shinx or something. Or else.

Hated Pokémon is hated.

So hated, in fact, that it is universally thought to have one of the laziest designs of all existing Pokémon. I can't help but to concur.

Flat, pink, heart-shaped 3D fish. 

It's kind of ironic that my cries to put Luvdisc out of its misery are answered by a Pokémon I hate even more: when a Luvdisc is left on its own, it becomes despondent, leaving itself open to be snatched up by Pelipper. Even though it'd be better for it to not exist, it still does, and it was even given an anime special ("Luvdisc is a Many Splendored Thing", a reference to the film Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing, as well as the song with the same name featured in the film) focusing on two Luvdisc called Caserin and Luverin owned by Misty and some unknown chick. The most incomprehensible thing about it all is that Dr. Namba - the same mad scientist who tried to kidnap Silver, that baby Lugia - wants to steal them for his plan to reverse their power in order to eliminate all love from the world forever. In the Japanese dub, however, he just wants those Luvdisc for one of its Team Rocket projects, which... makes no sense. I understood Namba for wanting Lugia, as it's a frickin' legendary and all, but Luvdisc? Anything is better than that pointless and unimaginative little fish thing. Luvdisc? More like, "Don't-make-me-fucking-laugh disc."

Useless Pokémon is useless.

So useless, in fact, that it needs to be exterminated already. Does somebody want to volunteer?

P.S.: I knew Smogon wouldn't disappoint me.

Rating: 1/5

#369: Relicanth

As Relicanth comes right after Huntail and Gorebyss in the National Pokédex, it's probably not a coincidence it has the same base stat total as the Pokémon who precede it, right? It's even found in the same underwater areas as Clamperl, although it has to be said that it's much rarer to be found.

Official art of Relicanth by Ken Sugimori. I have absolutely no
idea what the red spot on its body is doing there. 

Relicanth, however, focuses less on offense and more on defense, sporting great HP and defense and close-to-horrid special defense. This comes at the cost of its special attack, which is terrible and shouldn't be used, but at least its base 90 attack is something we can work with. Its speed is low - although it is surprisingly faster than Huntail and Gorebyss - but it has access to Rock Polish and thus has a way to work around that. Once it manages to set once up, Relicanth is fast enough to fuck opponents up with Head Smash, a STAB rock-type move with 150 power that normally deals recoil damage, which is now prevented by its ability Rock Head. As for the rest of its moveset, Waterfall is a must as it gains STAB from it, while the other slot could be filled by either Zen Headbutt or Earthquake, depending on what you need. Whereas a physical moveset like this should be supported by a Life Orb or Stone Plate (either is fine, although a Life Orb will wear it down more easily) and a Jolly or Adamant nature, Relicanth can also be used as a defensive pivot. Give it an Impish nature, let it hold the Leftovers and invest in HP and defense, and you'll have a reliable Stealth Rock user with the classic Toxic/Protect combo as well. Waterfall or Scald can be used over Protect, and in case of the latter you'll have to change its nature into a Relaxed one so that its special attack isn't hindered. Relicanth does still need an attacking move despite its defensive use, and that honor usually goes to Head Smash in combination with Rock Head or Rock Slide in conjunction with Sturdy. This is mainly done to prevent recoil damage of any kind.

That's a nifty-ass papercraft Relicanth, i.m.o.

I had always wanted to use one on my team, and I was adamant to use one in my very first Alpha Sapphire playthrough, which I did. It's an interesting Pokémon after all, being heavily based on the coelacanth, which is in fact pronounced 'see-luh-kanth'. The coelacanth is a fish that was thought to have gone extinct at the end of the Cretacious period nearly 66 million years ago, until a single specimen was found off the east coast of South Africa in 1938. Since then, extensive research has been done and another extant coelacanth species was discovered years later in 1999. The entire order of fish have been called living fossils ever since, although the coelacanth's continued survival may be threatened by commercial deep-sea trawling, in which it is caught as bycatch more often than preferable. Relicanth, on the other hand, was fortuitously rediscovered on a submarine expedition rather than during fishing, having remained unchanged in over 100 million years. Like with Huntail and Gorebyss, its Pokédex entries also mention it being able to withstand the enormous water pressure of the ocean depths, but this time it is more obvious by taking a look at Relicanth's design, flavor and typing: its body is filled with thick fat, its scales are like craggy rocks and its rock typing clearly makes it sturdier overall.

TCG art of Relicanth on a holographic card.

I really like Relicanth. It's an interesting idea to base a Pokémon off of a fish that was once thought to have gone exinct millions of years ago, even though its rocky head is reminiscent of a certain species of actually extinct fish called placodermi. The head and thorax of a placoderm were covered by armored plates and the rest of its body was scaled or naked depending on the species, just like Relicanth appears to be. Design-wise, Relicanth really is just a sylized coelacanth, and its flavor sure points that way, too. This Pokémon isn't one of my absolute favorites yet, but it could easily become one if I spend some more time with it. For now, though, I think I'm giving this thing 4.5 out of 5 stars.

Rating: 4.5/5

#366 - #368: Clamperl, Huntail & Gorebyss

See? Clamperl's head is not actually the pearl on Spoink's head;
it produces an entirely separate pearl when it's on the brink of
evolution. 

Clamperl is one of two Gen. III Pokémon that can be found exclusively in the underwater areas of Hoenn, which you can reach by using the Dive HM. This Pokémon is only really interesting because it can evolve into two different deep-sea fish, which bivalves seldomly (that is to say, never) do in real-life; however, it would have been exceptional for an invertebrate mollusk to change into fish if only it hadn't been for the fact that this is the Pokémon franchise, where a remora becomes an octopus and dragons and dinosaurs have pupal stages. Then there's Clamperl's head, which looks like a pearl but doesn't actually become a Spoink's prized possession. In Spoink and Grumpig's entry I already mentioned that Spoink adores its pearl and even gets weaker when it's not holding on to it, but I also mentioned that the pearl on top of its head doesn't seem to be Clamperl's own head: Clamperl produces only one magnificent pearl in its entire lifetime, which is when its body becomes too large for its nicked and scratched shell and the Pokémon is on the verge of evolving. The pearl is said to be infused with a mysterious energy, which simply means it amplifies psychic powers, especially Spoink's.

Huntail as seen in TCG. I'd swear the tip of its tail resembles a Gorebyss's head.

When traded holding a Deep Sea Tooth, Clamperl evolves into Huntail. This oblong, eel-like fish uses the white spot on the tip of its tail - which resembles a small fishie with a single dorsal and pectoral fin - to entice pray before snapping it up with its large jaw. This is very reminiscent to biological and behavioral features of the gulper eel or pelican eel, which is known for having a giant mouth larger than its body. The tip of its tail is equipped with a light-producing organ known as a photophore, which turns pink through the process of bioluminescence, and is believed to be used by the pelican eel to lure its prey with because its body isn't built for hunting - though, ironically, the Pokémon it is based on is called Huntail. Huntail's spine is thick and sturdy because it has to live in the deepest depths of the sea, but I guess all deep-sea fish (or Pokémon) have found a way to withstand the crushing pressure deep under the sea.

Even though Huntail looks frail, it is actually surprisingly defensive stat-wise, but only in its defense stat: its HP is garbage and its special defense isn't all that. Its base 52 speed also doesn't make it very fast, but Huntail has one trick up its sleeve to get around that, which is Shell Smash. Obviously, this move is learned by Clamperl, but as Pokémon can retain the moves it has learned as its pre-evolutions, Huntail also has access to it. Shell Smash raises its attack, special attack and speed by two stages each, while its defense and special defense are both lowered by one stage each, but Huntail can hold a White Herb to restore its defenses. As this Pokémon is mostly a physical attacker (104 base attack v. 94 base special attack), a physical moveset consisting of Crunch, Ice Fang and either Waterfall or Aqua Tail is recommended, as is an Adamant or Jolly nature and its hidden ability Water Veil. Burn prevention is a good thing for a physical attacker, trust me.

TCG art of Gorebyss.

When traded holding a Deep Sea Scale, on the other hand, Clamperl evolves into Gorebyss. Bulbapedia offers quite a few suggestions on Gorebyss's origins, but I found exactly one animal that is the spitting image of this Pokémon: the long-nosed chimaera - and I am not talking about that mythological lion/goat/snake hybrid creature. Like Gorebyss, the long-nosed chimaera - or rhinochimaeridae - is a deep-sea fish living in the abyssal depths below 3,000 feet. These creatures stem from normal chimaeras and, like its cousins, they are commonly called rat fish or ghost sharks, even though they are not technically sharks; they are merely distant relatives of sharks and rays, having branched off from them nearly 400 million years ago and having remained a distinct lineage that has been basically unchanged ever since. And as if the resemblance with Gorebyss wasn't enough already, long-nosed chimaeras take on a pinkish hue when fished out of the water.

Huntail and Gorebyss.

Flavor-wise, Gorebyss is far more savage than Huntail. It uses its long, pointed snout to stab prey and siphon their body fluids... which oddly reminds me of a certain Gen. I fossil Pokémon called Kabutops, if I'm not mistaken. Many of its Pokédex entries mention its elegance and beauty, but all I can think of when I see it is that it's kinda weird. Again, Gorebyss is described as being able to withstand the enormous pressure of water at incredible depths. Therefore, its body is unharmed by ordinary attacks, giving it a very defensive touch. Like Huntail, however, its HP is booty and its special defense is mediocre, making its defense yet again its best defensive stat. But whereas Huntail can be both physical and special, Gorebyss really is more focused on special attack rather than physical attack: its special attack is a nothing-to-sneeze-at base 114, while its base attack is a less viable 84. Moreover, Gorebyss doesn't learn any physical moves of significance, which means you'll have to fall back on its decent special movepool. A White Herb set with the move Shell Smash is evident here - Gorebyss, too, can obtain this move through its pre-evolution Clamperl - and the rest of its moveset is filled up by Hydro Pump, Psychic and Ice Beam, although it can also learn Shadow Ball, Scald, Surf and Signal Beam if you're desperately in need of these moves (probably not). Naturally, Gorebyss fares better with a Modest or Timid nature rather than an Adamant or Jolly one. It doesn't have access to Water Veil, and if I may be honest, neither of the two abilities it does have are overly viable. Swift Swim doubles its speed in rain and Hydration makes it get rid of a status condition in rain, so putting it on some kind of rain team is definitely an option. If you don't, either is fine; like Huntail, Gorebyss can need the extra speed, although getting rid of pesky status conditions like that may help your cause as well.

Jesus fuck, I wouldn't want to encounter this thing underwater. Goddamn. (This
piece of Huntail fan art is awesome, though.)

Clamperl and its evolution are an interesting bunch, to say the least. I hate the 'holding an item' kind of thing when trading off a Pokémon in order to evolve it, but I'm pretty sure I have both Huntail and Gorebyss in my possession now. Thing is, I will probably never use these things, whether it be in-game or competitively, because they're too much of a hassle to obtain and I'm not really a huge fan of these Pokémon in the first place. I can get behind Huntail's design; Gorebyss's, not so much.

Rating Huntail: 4/5

Rating Gorebyss: 2/5

#363 - #365: Spheal, Sealeo & Walrein

Isn't Spheal honestly the most adorable thing you've ever seen? When playing through Pokémon Sapphire for the first time, I immediately fell in love with it and decided it would be on my team for the remainder of the playthrough... until it evolved, that is. It's a shame Game Freak felt obliged to give Spheal a first- and second-stage evolution, but I guess the end justifies the means; Spheal doesn't look like it's strong on its own, and it certainly isn't, so its evolutions were mere necessities. That doesn't stop me from loving this thing more than its evolutions, though; I put it on number 50 in my top 50 of favorite Pokémon four years ago, which I did for a reason, and it is still one of my favorite Pokémon to date.

It is just. Too. Cute.

Adorable little Spheal in TCG. Look at it, it's so happy!

One of the reasons for that is obviously its round shape. It looks like it can be used as a ball for all kinds of ball sports such as soccer, basketball and volleyball, and even leisure activities like bowling or bouncing around on a Hoppity Hop. Can you even imagine using it as a ball for certain kinds of arcade games, like Skee-Ball and pinball? In Pokémon Pinball: Ruby & Sapphire, you can't actually use Spheal as a pinball to play with, but you can try to hit Spheal with the pinball - which is a Poké Ball or an upgraded version of that in this game - once one of them hops onto the icy slide. If you manage to do that, the Spheal will accelerate and go up the slide, ending up on a Sealeo that will bounce it into the basket (the same kind used in basketball) with its nose, as seen in the image below. It'll earn you more points than throwing the 'pinball' up the slide.

The Spheal bonus stage in Pokémon Pinball: Ruby and Sapphire. The left Sealeo
is tossing a Poké Ball - the 'pinball' - into the basket, while the right one is tossing a
Spheal into it after the player gave it a push with their Poké Ball.

Spheal's appearance and flavor makes it even cuter: the stubby little ears, the sparkling eyes, the funny muzzle, its happy face... Did you know Spheal claps its fins when it's happy or cheerful, and that groups of them clap in unison when they're having a meal together, just to show their pleasure? That must be a sight to behold, and their noises must be like music to your ears. Too cute. Also, did you know that its blue fur is actually really plushy? Or that it moves around by rolling across ice floes because its body isn't suited for swimming or walking? Well, at least you know now, and none of this information is even the least bit trivial, goddammit. For heaven's sake, it is known for crossing oceans atop icebergs. That is not something I'm against, either: Spheal can bob right towards Europe, hop onto the Dutch mainland and jump directly into my arms, because it puts a smile on my face every time I look at it and I want to have one right this fucking instant. Spheal is pure joy. Spheal is love. Spheal is life. And if you don't agree with me, I'mma hunt you down and force you to watch images, videos and GIFs of Spheal until you can't take no more and die of sheer cuteness.

(Disclaimer: I may have exaggerated just a little bit in the paragraph above. Don't take me too seriously, now.)

Sealeo's official Sugimori art. Is it just me, or does Sealeo have a
double chin?

But then Spheal evolves and I have to miss my precious little beach ball. Sealeo doesn't look bad by any means - it is perfectly fat for a seal and looks like a logical evolution of my beloved little bouncing ball - but I'm not a big fan of its design and part of that is owing to that weirdly shaped mustache, which are actually whiskers; thick, fat whiskers at that, goddamn. I know their purpose is to make Sealeo blend in with Spheal and its evolution Walrein, who is even hairier than Sealeo, but I feel like they're too big for Sealeo's face. I also have the feeling many people readily forget it exist, and I must say it is kind of a forgettable Pokémon, even though it's a moderately interesting one flavor-wise. While its name suggests it's based on a sea lion, it is actually inspired from seals, much like its pre-evolution. Like the real deal, Sealeo tends to roll anything new it sees on its snout to test its smell and texture, even entertaining itself by balancing Spheal on its nose (as demonstrated by the Spheal bonus stage in Pokémon Pinball: Ruby & Sapphire). Sealeo's tenedency to balance things on its muzzle is very reminiscent of the way seals in zoological parks perform tricks to provide for our entertainment. You can find the English word 'juggler' in Sealeo's Japanese name Todoggler (トドグラー), while its respective French and German names of Phogleur and Seejong both derive from jongleur - or Jongleur in German, because the German tend to capitalize every single noun - and its Chinese name Hǎimóshī (海魔獅) contains mó​shù​shī, which can also mean 'magician'.

TCG art of Walrein.

But Sealeo's juggling days are over when it evolves into Walrein, who is a... walrus. I mean, if a goddamn seagull can turn into an annoying-ass pelican or a bunch of eggs (pardon me, seeds) can change into a dragon-type coconut palm, surely a seal can evolve into a walrus, right? Anything is possible in Pokémon. At least Walrein's design has a certain degree of coherency, as its white hair blends in quite well with its blue body, whereas Sealeo's huge mustache feels comically out of place. The cream color of Spheal and Sealeo's bodies are now almost entirely gone in Walrein's design, and only its huge and powerful tusks look yellow now. Seriously, Walrein, brush your teeth. All joking aside, Walrein's prized tusks are strong enough to break a 10-ton iceberg in one hit, although it is possible for them to break off during battle. As if Spheal and Sealeo weren't fat enough, Walrein now has a thick blubber that not only repels incoming attacks, but also protects it against the temperatures of the frigid waters it swims in.

This looks amazing. Very realistic!

And Walrein is a bulky motherfucker, that's for sure. It's damn nigh impossible to kill it in one hit, and that is due to its crazy base 110 HP stat and very decent base 90 defenses. Unfortunately, it lacks access to Scald and therefore loses a bit of its competitive utility, but at least it's still a great addition to any in-game team due to its high special attack and access to Surf and Ice Beam. (Did I really say that Walrein isn't a good Pokémon to use in a playthrough when I was counting down my list of favorite Pokémon four years ago? God to the fucking damn, I was so dumb and ignorant back then.) Granted, Walrein isn't very zippy, nor is its moveset overly diverse, but its ability to tank hits and retaliate with strong STAB moves can make it a valuable asset to your team. And should you desire to make it more diverse move-wise, you can make it a physical attacker: its base 80 attack stat isn't terrible, and it has acces to some very nifty physical-based moves such as Aqua Tail, Waterfall, Ice Fang, Earthquake, Rock Slide, Iron Head and Iron Tail. Competitively, it's not recommended to use Walrein as an all-out attacker. It's better to utilize its bulk and use it as a supportive Pokémon with a defensive nature, the Thick Fat ability and Leftovers as its held item, as it has access to some interesting status moves: Roar forces the opposing Pokémon to switch out and prevents it from setting up with moves like Calm Mind and Swords Dance, Encore locks the opposing Pokémon into a conceivably undesirable move, Super Fang always deals damage equal to half of the opposing Pokémon's remaining HP, and the Toxic/Protect combo is a classic.

Instead of another Walrein picture, you're getting an image of this adorable Spheal
plushie. Look at it, who could withstand this fluffy pinniped? 

Walrein is alright and all, and I definitely don't hate or dislike it in any way, but I just adore Spheal for its cuteness. I don't give a fuck about how good or bad it is in-game or competitively; some Pokémon belong to my favorites because they are cute, which is also the case with Furret, Shuckle and Mew - although the latter is actually really good in the competitive metagame. I could keep gushing about Spheal, but you already know by now what I think about it and what rating it's going to get.

P.S.: Did you know that Spheal and its evolutions are actually primary ice?

Rating Spheal: 5/5

Rating Walrein: 4/5

#361 - #362, #478: Snorunt, Glalie & Froslass

So only now we've bumped into the first true Gen. III ice types - and no, I do not count Castform's Snowy Forme as such. Hoenn is a tropical region with too much water and it is hard to implement ice types into such a region in the first place, so they were put away in a remote salt cave at the northeastern edge of the region, which - with a little bit of bad luck - would be completely overlooked by the player if they were in a rush to complete the game. Route 125 and Shoal Cave are just north of Mossdeep City, but there is nothing else to find beyond these places, so they're not mandatory for the player to visit. And even though the Snorunt and Spheal lines are the only ice types you can find in the games (not counting Regice as of yet because it is tricky to obtain, and definitely not counting Castform), by the time the player arrives in Mossdeep City they will probably have a full team of six already.

Snorunt plushies, the middle of which is that of a shiny Snorunt. 

Another drawback for players to put a Snorunt on their team is the fact that this little critter evolves at level 42, which is way too damn high for a Pokémon that isn't worth the hassle. Don't get me wrong; Glalie is great and all, but base 80 stats across the board isn't worth waiting until level 42. And with base 50 stats Snorunt can't do an awful lot by itself, either. Instead, I think we should admire what Snorunt is supposed to represent: a small, child-sized Pokémon based on a couple of different yōkai. The zashiki-warashi, or "guestroom child", is a mischievous Japanese spirit in the form of a five- or six-year-old child that is often sighted in Iwate Prefecture, somewhere in northern Japan. Those who see it are said to be visisted with good fortune, which is the exact same thing the Pokédex says about Snorunt, too. Another inspiration for Snorunt might be the yukinko, a childlike spirit said to emerge when it snows, often depicted as elf-like and wearing a yuki mino - the latter being a traditional type of winter wear from the snowy parts of Japan that consists of a conical snow cloak made of straw. Snorunt seems to be stylized version of a yuki mino, which is probably why it can stand temperatures of -150°F. From Pokémon Platinum on, Snorunt's Pokédex description of gathering under giant leaves and living together in harmony with others of its species is a reference to the Koro-pok-guru, a race of small people in the folklore of the Ainu people. They are said to live under the leaves of plants in harmony, and their name seems to support that: Koro-pok-guru literally means "people under the butterbur plant". The only problem is that Snorunt doesn't look the part and that it doesn't fit its design and typing, either.

Official Sugimori art of Glalie.

Nor does Glalie look like a logical evolution of Snorunt, for that matter. It's like the head of a goblin with nothing else attached to it, but basically Glalie consists of a black rock core covered by ice that will not even melt under a direct flame. If that is the case, why wasn't it made part rock type? Glalie would have benefited from that if it hadn't been for these two bad weaknesses to fighting and steel it otherwise would've had, but the latter type wasn't as prevalent in competitive play as it is now with all those fairy types around. Instead, we just got a Pokémon based on a hockey mask whose name is a combination of 'glacier' and 'goalie'. Indeed, 'goalie'; how fucking obvious do you want to make it, anyway? Even its Japanese name Onigohri (オニゴーリ) bears a phonetic similarity to 'goalie', while the word Torwart in Glalie's German name Firnontor means 'goalkeeper'. It doesn't even remotely resemble anything from Japanese culture anymore, aside from maybe a standard type of oni (an ogre- or troll-like creature) with horns. And what about that flavor? It can freeze moisture in the atmosphere... - yeah, no shit; it's a fucking ice type - ...into any shape it desires.

Okay, that's actually pretty cool.

And as if Glalie didn't look ugly enough, it has an ugly personality as well: it actually enjoys putting its prey in a frozen state with its icy-cold breath and gobbling it up afterwards. What's more, Glalie got a Mega evolution that no one saw coming, and it can now temporarily float around with a dislocated jaw. I can almost hear it scream in agony. It's tragic, really, as Mega Glalie can instantly freeze its prey but cannot eat said prey because its jaw is destroyed.

Some pretty cool (get it?) fan art of Froslass.

Glalie's Korean name Urumkisin (얼음귀신) - from eol'eum ('ice') and gwishin ('ghost'), so literally 'ice ghost' - would have fit Snorunt's alternative evolution Froslass a whole lot better. Froslass, evolved from a female Snorunt by use of a Dawn Stone, is the franchise's only ice/ghost type, and for a good reason, too: it is based on the yuki-onna, a ghostly woman in Japanese folklore often associated with winter and snowstorms. I already mentioned these spirits in Jynx's review, but as Froslass is a ghost type and the yuki-onna is supposed to represent a female ghost (which is also the reason why only female Snorunt can evolve into Froslass), it makes much more sense that the latter was the inspiration for Froslass rather than Jynx. However, none of the legends about the yuki-onna are as lurid as Froslass's Pokédex descriptions. It's all very interesting to read that it has cold breath (so does Glalie), that it has a hollow body (so does Dusclops) and that legends in snowy regions say that a woman who got lost on an icy mountains was reborn as a Froslass, but let's take a look at the entries it got in Pokémon Sun and Moon recently.

Pokédex entry Sun:
"When it finds humans or Pokémon it likes, it freezes them and takes them to its chilly den, where they become decorations."

Pokémon entry Moon:
"The soul of a woman lost on a snowy mountain possessed an icicle, becoming this Pokémon. The food it most relishes is the souls of men."

Why, excuse the living hell out of me? So, in the hypothetical case that I'm roaming about in the snowy mountains and just by happenstance encounter a Froslass, I'm pretty much screwed? I don't know about you guys, but I am 100% certain I'm never going on a skiing holiday.

A Froslass image with yuki-onna elements in the forefront. The
red band it's wearing is reminiscent of an obi, a sash worn with a
kimono or with the uniforms used by practitioners of Japanese
martial arts.

Trainers should be cautious when being around this thing, but on the off chance you decide to use Froslass in competitive play, you'll have yourself a speedy special att... wait, what? Its special attack is only 80? Damn, I always thought it had amazing speed and special attack and terribe everything else, but I guess I was wrong. Well, it's no use making it defensive, because it won't live a hit, so be clever and go with the specially offensive approach anyway. I was going to recommend a Timid nature, but I guess it can use the special power boost from a Modest nature. And a Life Orb, for that matter, which will make moves like Ice Beam, Shadow Ball, Signal Beam, Psychic and Thunderbolt hit foes just this little bit harder. As it's fast to begin with, a utility moveset might not be bad; Taunt is to prevent foes from setting up with stat-boosting moves, Spikes lays a layer of - you guessed it - spikes that hurt incoming Pokémon on the opponent's side of the battlefield, Will-O-Wisp burns foes and thus inflicts residual damage every turn, and a fast Destiny Bond might be beneficial if a certain Pokémon proves to be an issue. Of course, a utility moveset calls for a Focus Sash rather than a Life Orb. The only thing left to discuss is its ability, but it has only two. Its regular ability Snow Cloak boosts Froslass's evasion when it's hailing, which it almost never does, so ignore that one. Its hidden ability is Cursed Body and has the power to disable certain moves when Froslass is hit by one, which could definitely come in handy.

It's pretty hot in the Netherlands right now, but this image
spontaneously gives me the chills.

So, we've discussed Froslass, but what about Glalie? Well... my advice is to not use it unless you go Mega. Regular Glalie is just not good enough and can't get anything done, so you'd be wise to Mega-evolve it. Mega Glalie has Refrigerate for its ability, which turns all normal-type moves into ice-type moves, effectively making them STAB. This means a decent 102-power phsyical-based ice-type move in Return, as well as an ice-type Explosion. It's what most people use Mega Glalie for, anyway: doing some moderate damage to opponents with moves like Return and Earthquake, only to cause a gigantic and unexpected climax and blow it up for a whopping 250 power. That's one almost guaranteed OHKO right there, so Explosion is perfect to remove a specific threat from the game. Sure, you'll lose your own Mega Glalie in the process, but sometimes you gotta make sacrifices in order to advance the match. If blowing Mega Glalie up is unfavorable, you could also run a moveset consisting of Return, Ice Shard, Earthquake and Iron Head, of course supported by a Jolly or Adamant nature - or a Naive, Hasty, Lonely or Naughty nature if you decide to use Freeze-Dry instead of Iron Head in order for you to super-effectively hit water types as well. Nonetheless, Mega Glalie is pretty much one-dimensional and therefore very predictable.

I wish I could like these Pokémon more than I currently do, but Mega Glalie is a little too weird - even to my taste - and Froslass is unimpressive when it's not about its flavor. That doesn't stop me from giving both Pokémon a good rating - the same one at that, too - and to be quite honest, 4 stars are nothing to sneeze at. I don't know exactly what it is that could make them sneeze, because I doubt these Pokémon can catch a cold, but that is not the point.

P.S.: What's with Froslass's classification as the 'Snow Land Pokémon'? I really don't understand the 'land' part...?

Rating: 4/5

#359: Absol

With Absol being a clear fan favorite, there's bound to be plenty
of cool fan art to be found on the web.

Has anybody ever had the feeling your intentions were completely misinterpreted? Poor Absol must feel that way all the fucking time. Using the horn on its head, Absol is able to sense even the most subtle changes in the sky and land to predict when a natural disaster will occur, and it will try to warn people of impending danger. However, people often misinterpret his warnings and think Absol is in fact the bringer of doom, which fed a hatred of it. No wonder Absol lives its 100-year life in seclusion in the mountains, far from civilization, and rarely ventures down from its alpine home; I guess it's sick and tired of humanity blaming unfavorable natural occurrences on its species when it's only trying to alert people of earthquakes or tidal waves. The rage among those people must have been big when they found out Absol can actually change into a stronger being, if only temporarily: Absol can Mega-evolve, and the energy that courses through its body from the transition makes it fur bristle and makes Mega Absol look as if it has a pair of wings on its back. This does give it an angelic appearance, but Mega Absol can't actually fly, nor does it get the flying typing on top of its dark typing.

The angelic-looking Mega Absol. The pair of wings is actually its fur; the increased
energy coursing through its body upon Mega-evolving is what makes the fur at the
back of its mane stand on end.

This time I do have to commend Game Freak on their consistency here: in the main series games, Absol can often be found in places where disasters occur or occurred, supporting its description as a doomsayer. Let's ignore the fact that not all of these disasters are natural occurrences, because that is damn near impossible in Pokémon games.

- In Diamond and Pearl, Absol appears on Route 213. This route is close to Lake Valor, which was drained by Team Galactic in order to illegitimately capture Azelf. Also, the route number contains the number 13, which is universally considered to be an unlucky number.

- In Platinum, Absol can be found on Mt. Coronet in places that one can first access when heading to Spear Pillar, before Giratina is summoned by Team Galactic's Cyrus.

- In Black and White, after the player finished the main game, Absol appears at the Giant Chasm - the home of Kyurem and said to be a place where disasters befall Trainers - and Route 13. In the sequels to Black and White, unoriginally named Black 2 and White 2, Giant Chasm is where the 'new' Team Plasma makes their stand.

- In X and Y, Route 8 is Absol's home base. While the route number isn't even close to 13, Absol is found on the higher side of the route, right on the cliffs. You also encounter this Pokémon right before the player character meets Team Flare for the first time.

- In Sun and Moon, Absol is found in Tapu Village, which was destroyed years earlier by Tapu Bulu because it took offense to the grocery store that was built on Route 14. Plus, have you noticed how Tapu Village connects Routes 13, 14 and 15? Nifty.

It isn't found in disaster areas in every game, though. Being an alpine Pokémon by nature, it would have made no frickin' sense for Game Freak to make Seafloor Cavern - an underwater area where, depending on which version you're playing, Groudon and Kyogre are summoned by Team Magma or Team Aqua, respectively - Absol's natural habitat, so in Ruby and Sapphire it is found on Route 120 instead. Hoenn really does have too much water, goddamn. However, it was a missed opportunity not to put Absol on Route 10 in Pokémon X and Y, because this route is actually found beneath Geosenge Town, the town where AZ's ultimate weapon is excavated by Team Flare and intended to be used by Lysandre in order for him to destroy Kalos.

A pair of Absol parents with their shiny child. 

But what makes Absol so connected to such catastrophes in the first place? I mean, what are its origins? Well, aside from the obvious black cat superstition - Absol does in fact look somewhat feline - there are a whole lot of creatures it may have been based on, whether they be mythical or not. The first are sphinxes, winged monsters with a woman's head and a lion's body, noted for killing anyone being unable to answer its riddle. Whereas sphinxes are often associated with ancient Egypt, they're actually from Greek mythology, and the 'wings' on Mega Absol are actually more reminiscent of Greek portrayals of these creatures, which are more often depicted with wings than not. The Chinese legend of the Baí Zé, generally described as a white beast with extraordinary intelligence, might be another inspiration for Absol's design and flavor. This Baí Zé creature was gifted with the ability to understand human speech, as well as the knowledge on the forms and habits of exactly 11,520 types of supernatural creatures in the world and how to overcome their hauntings and attacks. While the Baí Zé is known as the hakutaku in Japan, a related legend speaks of an almost identical creature called the kutabe, which predicted that a deadly plague would sweep through the Japanese population in the next few years and prescribed that its own image be used as a talisman to ward off the disease. While known as a bovine creature, it is also commonly depicted as a creature with a lion's body, one horn on its head and an extra eye in the center of its forehead. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

This way - and not entirely coincidentally - Absol's head looks like a tàijítú or yīnyáng symbol, which is usually a representation of how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another (e.g. light and dark, fire and water, expansion and contraction, matter and antimatter). This concept would be expanded upon in Gen. V with Reshiram and Zekrom, but at least it makes for some interesting speculations and discussions about Absol's origins, especially since it's a favorite among long-time Pokémon fans. With its ability to sense oncoming natural disasters Absol is, after all, a creature close to nature, and the concept of yin and yang fits its flavor and white-and-blue design perfectly.

Official art of Mega Absol. Drawn by Ken Sugimori,
courtesy of Nintendo and everything. 

One big question remains, though: how well does Absol do in the competitive scene? Uhm... not great. Absol sports some amazing attack, but it is quite frail and not very fast, which they fixed with its Mega. Well, at least the speed part; Mega Absol is as frail as ever, but it got a boost of 40 base points in both its speed and special attack - both ending up at a solid 115 - and an increase in its attack by 20 base points. While at 150 its attack is still superior to any of its other stats, it is able to dish out some special damage as well, and quite frankly it has such a large movepool that you don't even know where to start with this thing. Mega Absol is a pure dark type and has access to some nice utility moves that it receives STAB from, such as Pursuit, Sucker Punch and Knock Off. Type coverage can be found in moves like Zen Headbutt, Ice Beam, Thunderbolt, Flamethrower, Fire Blast, Stone Edge, Rock Slide, X-Scissor, Dark Pulse, Megahorn, Play Rough, Iron Tail and Superpower. If you want to run a physical moveset and boost its attack, Swords Dance is right there for you. This even allows you to run a Jolly nature (lowers special attack, increases speed), although a Naive nature (lowers special defense, increases speed) is required if you want to run a mixed Mega Absol. As far as abilities go, Magic Bounce is a great ability that reflects the effects of all stat-lowering and status condition-inducing status moves - as well as entry hazard moves and moves like Torment and Taunt - back to the user, effectively making it immune to moves like Will-O-Wisp and Thunder Wave. That makes it very hard to weaken it or slow it down, which is exactly what you want.

When it comes to regular Absol's ability before you Mega-evolve it, Justified is the way to go: if you get hit by a dark-type move when you switch Absol in, you might as well get an attack boost from it first, making Mega Absol a little bit more dangerous for your opponent. Super Luck increases the chance of getting a critical hit, while Pressure drains some extra PP from the moves your opponent's Pokémon is attacking Absol with, but both are more viable for the long run and fit more on a regular Absol's Life Orb set or something.

Fan art of Mega Absol being fabulous.

This article is becoming a little bit too long for just a single Pokémon, but I guess I'm willing to spend a lot of my time writing about Absol (seriously though, I've spent at least five hours doing research and thinking about how to formulate my sentences). It's such a fascinating Pokémon for a dark type, which normally tend to be more evil and malicious, and it's definitely one of the most unique Gen. III Pokémon introduced. I never realized how much I actually love Absol, and I certainly did not expect to give it a perfect rating. Yet here I am, gushing about a Pokémon I didn't know I love.

Good job on this one, Game Freak.

Rating: 5/5

#433, #358: Chingling & Chimecho

I am so sick and tired of these useless baby Pokémon. Luckily, this is the last one...

I still don't know what baby Pokémon are good for. Honestly,
Chimecho didn't even need a pre-evolution; if anything, it's
desperately in need of an evolution. 

There's nothing much to say about Chingling, either. It's a bell Pokémon based on the suzu bells used at shrines visited by followers of the Japanese Shintō religion, and it has a red orb in the back of its throat used to emit high-frequency and long-lasting cries that deafen its opponents but can be too high for people to hear. Or it just makes ringing sounds whenever it is hopping around, going about its business. Whatever, I don't care about Chingling. Nor do I care an awful lot about Chimecho, to be honest, but maybe that's because I haven't ever paid it much attention. The Japanese bell aspect is retained (or rather, Game Freak elaborated on this aspect with Chingling), but Chimecho is based on a fūrin rather than a suzu bell. Fūrin are particularly beautiful wind chimes made of glass that have been produced since the Edo period (c. 1603 - 1868 AD) of Japanese history, as glassblowing techniques from the Netherlands were introduced to the Japanese people in the seaport of Nagasaki during the 18th century. It was the first time the Japanese ever saw glass. After the glass objects were shipped to more affluent areas, the Japanese were prompted to learn glassblowing for themselves and create their own distinct glass paraphernalia, which resulted in the creation of Edo fūrin in the 19th century. At first these were used to ward off evil and epidemics, like their bronze predecessors called fūtaku, but nowadays they're used to enjoy their cooling and soothing sounds during hot summer days. One technique the Japanese have mastered is painting the glass on the interior of the chime so that the colors won't fade easily.

Chimecho. Don't you think its tail looks like a blood-soaked tissue paper?

But as beautiful and fascinating fūrin are, so bland is Chimecho. Such an interesting concept could have been the basis for an awesome Pokémon design, but Chimecho actually suffers from being a tad bit underdesigned: its bluish white body is partially covered by red marks that make it look as if someone has just tried to stop their nosebleed with a facial tissue. The vast majority of its flavor is directly derived from the way fūrin are used, too, as it comes flying on air currents when the hot season arrives and hangs from tree branches or the eaves of a building using the weird yellow suction cup on its head. (Wait a minute, that thing is a suction cup? It certainly doesn't look the part.) However, it is a whole lot louder than a regular wind chime. Chimecho utters cries that reverberate from deep within its body, and if it becomes enraged or upset enough, its cries result in ultrasonic waves that have the power to knock foes flying.

Chimecho using either Hyper Voice or Uproar. Both fit its flavor
perfectly, but neither actually provide it STAB: both Uproar and
Hyper Voice are normal-type moves, while Chimecho is pure
psychic.

Not that Chimecho is anywhere near as strong as its flavor suggests: its stats are no more than decent, but if your best stat is your base 95 special attack, you're gonna have a hard time keeping up with other Pokémon with better offensive or defensive stats - or both. Chimecho did get a buff in its defensive stats in Gen. VII, but ten extra base points in HP, defense and special defense won't make that much of a difference. Using it competitively is out of the question, so I'd recommend using it solely in playthroughs - if you want to, obviously. It learns just enough attacking moves - Psychic, Shadow Ball, Energy Ball and Dazzling Gleam - to fill up a moveset, and you could even ditch one (not Psychic, though) to give it Calm Mind. It's just a shame Chimecho isn't of much use. Smogon mentions a Leftovers set with a couple of moves such as Healing Wish (causes the user to faint and recovers the incoming Pokémon's HP and cures it of any status conditions it may have), Recover, Heal Bell, Thunder Wave and Taunt. Recover and Heal Bell are good moves indeed, but Chimecho is slow and it won't be able to effectively use Taunt very often because of that. It's not bulky enough to take hits either, so instead you could opt to go for a Light Clay set with Reflect and Light Screen, which - once set up - make Chimecho somewhat harder to take down. I'd just set up screens and switch out to some offensive tank or something, that will be more effective.

While Chimecho has an interesting concept behind its design, it is actually poorly executed. I don't hate Chimecho's guts, and it narrowly escapes a bad rating from me, but it does make you long for something that could have been.

You know what would be an amazing evolution for Chimecho? A carillon.

Rating: 3/5