#370: Luvdisc

I still have no idea why this thing even exists. What I want to know is who the goddamn hell came up with a heart-shaped discus fish as a Pokémon and had the chutzpah to name it Luvdisc. It is also the weakest single-stage Pokémon to date, with base stats of 43 for HP, 30 for attack, 55 for defense, 40 for special attack, 65 for special defense and, finally, a whopping 97 for speed! That means Luvdisc is at least fast enough to do... well, absolutely fucking nothing. This thing has a base stat total of only 330 and it isn't even able to evolve (everybody was surprised that Luvdisc and Alomomola, a Gen. V Pokémon that was introduced years later, weren't related whatsoever), meaning it's only good for wasting space in your PC box. Or for harvesting Heart Scales, for that matter, but even that has been made quite redundant recently, as they're fairly easy to obtain without abusing the hell out of a bunch of Luvdisc first. Seriously, just catch one to fill your Pokédex and immediately trade it off for a Steelix with a guy in the Cyllage City Pokémon Center. I swear, that's a hell of a trade.

Shitty Pokémon is shitty.

So shitty, in fact, that absolutely nobody fucking wants it.

This bitch ain't nothing but a flat, pink, heart-shaped fish. 

And that's a problem when these kissing gouramis are found LITERALLY EVERYWHERE! In Ruby, Sapphire and their remakes, you can't even fish for another Pokémon without encountering a couple of Luvdisc first, and in X and Y they are found all along the western and northwestern coastal area of Kalos. During the spawning season, countless Luvdisc congregate at coral reefs, turning the waters a brilliant pink. That's when you know when there are too goddamn many of them. Tentacool? Zubat? Give me a break, it's Pelipper and Luvdisc I'm tired of seeing all the fucking time. And then its name... "Love disc?" Are you serious? I, of all people, could have come up with that name, and I dare say I'm pretty unimaginative. Well, it earned its name by swimming after loving couples it spotted in the ocean's waves, and it has been a symbol of love and romance ever since, so I guess I'm not the only one who's terrible at making up names. We all know two people in love are cringy as hell, right? It is said that any couple meeting this Pokémon is promised a loving, eternal relationship, and there is a custom from long ago of giving a Luvdisc as a gift to express one's feelings of love. Honeymoon hotels even release this Pokémon into their pools on a regular basis because couples have a soft spot for it. Trust me, if I am given a Luvdisc by my boyfriend as an expression of his love, I'd throw that goddamn thing right back at him anime style and say he'll have to fetch me a Shinx or something. Or else.

Hated Pokémon is hated.

So hated, in fact, that it is universally thought to have one of the laziest designs of all existing Pokémon. I can't help but to concur.

Flat, pink, heart-shaped 3D fish. 

It's kind of ironic that my cries to put Luvdisc out of its misery are answered by a Pokémon I hate even more: when a Luvdisc is left on its own, it becomes despondent, leaving itself open to be snatched up by Pelipper. Even though it'd be better for it to not exist, it still does, and it was even given an anime special ("Luvdisc is a Many Splendored Thing", a reference to the film Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing, as well as the song with the same name featured in the film) focusing on two Luvdisc called Caserin and Luverin owned by Misty and some unknown chick. The most incomprehensible thing about it all is that Dr. Namba - the same mad scientist who tried to kidnap Silver, that baby Lugia - wants to steal them for his plan to reverse their power in order to eliminate all love from the world forever. In the Japanese dub, however, he just wants those Luvdisc for one of its Team Rocket projects, which... makes no sense. I understood Namba for wanting Lugia, as it's a frickin' legendary and all, but Luvdisc? Anything is better than that pointless and unimaginative little fish thing. Luvdisc? More like, "Don't-make-me-fucking-laugh disc."

Useless Pokémon is useless.

So useless, in fact, that it needs to be exterminated already. Does somebody want to volunteer?

P.S.: I knew Smogon wouldn't disappoint me.

Rating: 1/5

#327: Spinda

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk.

Ugh, this misfit.

Not only is Spinda a downright hideous Pokémon, design-wise as well as stat-wise, it is also one of the most random ones. It doesn't seem to be serving any purpose in the games at all, aside from polluting the regional Pokédex from time to time (it was recently included in the Sun and Moon Dex; like, why?). Of course I am fully aware of the fact that not a single Spinda is the same; all have four spots located on their face and ears, but an algorithm in the game mechanics makes itso that not one pattern is the same. However, let's be honest here: is that really such an important feature? Nobody in their right mind would start collecting all the Spinda with different spot patterns, as a Spinda's spots are based on its personality value - a 32-bit number that can't be influenced by outside factors in any way - and a simplistic model would put the odds of finding two exact same Spinda at 1 in 4,294,967,295. That's a whole lot of Spinda with different spot patterns you'd have to collect, then. Searching for 20 different wing patterns (Vivillon) or 26 letters and 2 punctuation marks (Unown) is somewhat tedious already, even though it's manageable.

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk. 

In short, Spinda is nothing more than a useless, gimmicky Pokémon that should better be left alone by everyone. Having base 60 stats all across the board, it's just a terrible Pokémon to use in battles, even for playthrough purposes. It does have access to the hidden ability Contrary, which inverts any changes to its stat stages, meaning that a stat will be decreased if it is normally increased and vice versa. But, ehm... guess what? IT'S FUCKING USELESS ON THIS THING! In Pokémon Black and White, Game Freak were so kind to include a feature called the Dream World, in which you could find Pokémon with their hidden abilities and certain moves they could otherwise not learn. A Dream World Spinda had the move Superpower, a 120-power fighting-type move that lowers the user's attack and defense stats by one stage afterwards, but with Contrary these stats will be increased rather than decreased. The problem is that any one of Spinda's stats is abysmal, which means that it can't take hits, move first or hit hard, not even after one or two boosts from Superpower. Moreover, Spinda is a normal-type Pokémon, so Superpower isn't even a STAB move on it, which makes it kinda tricky to use at all. Should you be so brave to use a Contrary Spinda in the first place, you'd have to complete a moveset for it, which is surprisingly not very hard: it can learn Double-Edge, Trash, Brick Br... oh pardon me, it's Thrash, not Trash. Well, Spinda is trash, but I'm hardly saying anything that hasn't been said about this thing, am I right? Anyway, where was I again? Oh yeah, it has access to Brick Break, Rock Slide, Wild Charge, Psycho Cut, Drain Punch, Fire Punch, Ice Punch, Thunder Punch and Zen Headbutt.

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk.

That's a whole lot of type coverage for a Pokémon that doesn't deserve it, to be honest with you. I would recommend teaching it Double-Edge and Wild Charge, which both deal recoil damage. Rest assured it will wear Spinda down faster than a Gale Wings Talonflame can perform its first Brave Bird. To top it all off, a Life Orb exchanges 10% of its health every turn for a bit more power (for what it's worth), which certainly causes Spinda to go down even faster than your Mom can find lost objects. That way, you can switch into a Pokémon that can actually put in some work. Even better would be to not use this thing at all, but if you feel confident enough... why, by all means, go for it.

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk.

As for Spinda's origin, it is ostensibly based on a red panda. These animals also have their own unique facial markings, like Spinda does, although they're a heck of a lot cuter than Spinda is. Also, this Pokémon has the appearance of constantly being drunk, which looks stupid but apparently serves a purpose: the dizzying and confusing dance-like movements it makes are used to confuse its opponents and make it difficult for them to aim at it. Fortunately for you, the game mechanics allow you to body Spinda real quick-like with a super-effective Brick Break, unless one of those things has the Tangled Feet ability and is confused. And that hardly ever happens, thank God. Spinda is such a dumb and terrible Pokémon in every aspect, and I actually carry quite the aversion to it, especially because it appears to be in a continuous state of drunkenness. Such a message you're sending out there, Game Freak.

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk.

P.S.: Definitely check out this X & Y moveset recommendation for Spinda on Smogon. I laughed my fucking ass off at least a hundred times when I read it.

Rating: 1/5