#531: Audino

Audino is a benevolent Pokémon, so it's not surprising these
Dedenne are feeling so at ease in its presence. 

Next on the list is the Pokémon that would replace Chansey as Nurse Joy's assistant in Pokémon Centers in Unova. Actually, ever since the Unova region Chansey has retired from being Nurse Joy's assistant altogether, as it's Wigglytuff aiding her in Kalos, while in Alola she's accompanied by Blissey and Comfey. It isn't suprising that a Pokémon like Audino was introduced in a generation that is often regarded as a reboot of the series, and as most older Pokémon didn't show up until the Adventures in Unova arc of the Pokémon anime (in the Black and White games, older Pokémon aren't available until post-game), Audino had to take over Chansey's role of assistant healer in Pokémon Centers. It's the perfect Pokémon for that, as the feelers on Audino's ears act like stethoscopes in that it can feel the beat of another Pokémon's heart in order to assess its mood and overall physical condition. Audino's auditory sense is so astounding, in fact, that it has the radar-like ability to understand its surroundings through slight sounds. Mega Audino even has a secondary pair of feelers with which it can put those who come in contact with them into a deep sleep, while it can release relaxing pulses that reduce hostility. Yup, you've read that correctly: Audino can Mega-evolve. It's the only Pokémon introduced in the fifth generation that is capable of Mega-evolving in the first place, and to this day I have absolutely no idea why. I don't think it needed a Mega evolution anyway, and you'll find my arguments for that in the paragraph about its competitive usage.

D'awww, look at this cutie!

Audino may be an excellent healer, but it fulfils no such role in the Gen. V games. You see, there's a phenomenon called rustling grass, and stepping into it may result in an encounter with a rare Pokémon. The only Pokémon in the rustling grass that isn't rare is Audino, appearing at least 80% of the time in pretty much all of Unova's tall grass. Because of its availability in rustling grass - which, by the way, can easily be triggered by walking back and forth nearby a patch of tall grass for a couple of seconds - as well as the absurdly high amount of experience points you can get from it, battling wild Audino is a fast way to level up your Pokémon when playing Black, White, Black 2 or White 2.

Audino is definitely a Pokémon that can be portrayed as
sickeningly kawaii, so I'll just tone it down for this blog and give
you this moderately cute piece of fan art of Audino with its
Trainer, Hilda.

It's weird that Audino is so easily available in the games, because Game Freak have always kept the Chansey line somewhat rare to obtain. Considering the abundance of Audino to be found all over the Unova region, you'd wonder what this thing is actually based on. Well, Bulbapedia suggests that it seems to be partially based on rabbits; and to be fair, those critters aren't very uncommon in real life, either. However, the similarities to rabbits are not very eminent in its design, and I think Game Freak went for a nurse/physician aesthetic more than anything. The stethoscope-like feelers on Audino's ears also bring to mind a butterfly's antennae - or proboscis - and the ears themselves kind of resemble butterfly wings, which may mean it is based on some depiction of a fairy. As regular Audino, a pure normal type, gains the fairy typing upon Mega-evolving, this theory isn't too farfetched. As for Audino's names across the world, they all contain a pun of some sort. Its Japanese name Tabunne
(タブンネ) is a direct play on tabun ne, meaning 'maybe', as well as tabun ('many are heard') and mimitabu ('earlobe'). In Korean, its name sounds quite similar to its Japanese one: Dabunie (다부니) is a corruption of dabunhi, meaning 'quite'. Audino is of course derived from 'audio', but Game Freak have managed to capture the meaning of the Japanese pun quite well with a pun on the phrase 'I dunno.' Its French name Nanméouïe contains ouïe ('hearing') and is phonetically similar to non mais oui ('no but yes'), but I don't think the latter is a phrase that is used very often in spoken word. By all means, correct me if I'm wrong by leaving a comment below. Finally, Audino's German name Ohrdoch is a pun on oh, doch, which means as much as 'oh, yes, actually', but is also heavily inspired by Ohr ('ear') and Doktor (I don't have to explain what that word means, do I?).

The only name I can't quite wrap my head around is Audino's Chinese name Chàbùduōwáwá (差不多娃娃). I mean, chàbùduō means 'almost' or 'more or less' and wáwá means 'doll', but does that mean that they think Audino is more or less a doll? Maybe Audino is a doll in the metaphorical sense of the word - it is often used in English as a synonym for a nice and kind person; a sweetheart, if you will - but I'm not so sure the word 'doll' has the same metaphorical meaning in the Chinese language as it does in English. I don't quite understand, and I have a feeling I'm not supposed to.

Mega Audino. It appears to be wearing some kind of coat and
boots, which indicates that it may have a resemblance to the
Sweet Lolita fashion style, especially color-wise (white and pink).

And then there's Audino's competitive abilities, which are... subpar. Regular Audino resides in Smogon's lowest tier, PU, because its base stat total of 445 renders it pretty much useless in any competitive battle. With base 103 HP and 86 defenses, Audino tries to be bulky, but it doesn't quite succeed in that. It can take a few hits, sure, and the Wish/Protect combo is as good a strategy as any to make Audino last a little longer on the battlefield, but it simply doesn't cut it. Its terrible offensive stats don't really help either, because they make Audino rely on Toxic for damage. No, you'll need the Audinite, the Mega Stone that allows Audino to Mega-evolve and become... well, not stronger. Bulkier, for sure. Mega Audino does get a slight boost in its special attack, which actually allows you to run a Calm Mind set with Dazzling Gleam, but don't expect to hit too hard, especially since you need a Calm or Bold nature to make Mega Audino as bulky as possible. Wish and Protect are still required, especially since you'll have to wait until the right time to Mega-evolve Audino anyway, because regular Audino has the ability Regenerator: every time a Pokémon with this ability is switched out, it regains a third of its maximum HP. Therefore, I'd recommend not going for Calm Mind at all, but slapping on either Toxic or Heal Bell; Dazzling Gleam is a STAB fairy-type move and hits moderately hard in the first place, so Toxic can provide some excellent residual damage, while Heal Bell lets Audino heal all of your Pokémon's status conditions in one turn. The downside to Mega Audino is that it doesn't get Regenerator as its ability and is, unfortunately, stuck with Healer, an ability that only works in Double Battles. And if there's one thing about Pokémon that I don't know jack shit about, it's competitive Double Battles, so... yeah.

Beautiful, painting-style art of Mega Audino.

Audino has access to a slew of coverage moves many a Pokémon would be jealous of: Flamethrower, Fire Blast, Ice Beam, Thunderbolt, Shadow Ball, Psychic, Psyshock, Wild Charge, Surf, Signal Beam, the elemental punches, Drain Punch, Iron Tail, Knock Off, Throat Chop, Stomping Tantrum, Zen Headbutt... and I don't think that's all yet. These are all moves that Audino isn't going to use, especially not the physical ones; special coverage moves should only be given to Audino when you think it's absolutely necessary, while Knock Off should be given to a Pokémon that can make much better use of it.

Audino does have a lot of support moves to choose from. Rest and Sleep Talk could replace Wish and Protect, but they're more difficult to pull off and should only be used on a Pokémon that doesn't have access to Wish. Magic Coat bounces back status moves to the user, which can come in handy whenever you see a Taunt coming - or annoying status-inflicting moves like Toxic and entry hazards like Stealth Rock and Spikes, just to name a few. Snatch allows Audino to steal an opponent's beneficial status move, but that might not turn out too beneficial for Audino, even though it temporarily hinders the opponent. Encore locks the opponent into the move it last used, while Trick Room is a weird move that allows slower Pokémon to move first as long as the move is in effect. Skill Swap could be used to let Mega Audino swap abilities with the opponent, which means you'll be able to get rid of Healer, at least. Healing Wish makes Audino faint but fully heals the Pokémon that is switched in after it, status condition and all. Then there's moves like Thunder Wave and Yawn, but Toxic is generally better. Substitute isn't misplaced on a bulky Pokémon like Audino at all, and you could even give it Light Screen and Reflect and make your whole team a bit bulkier overall.

Mega Audino and its cute little babies. 

I like Audino, and a lot more than Chansey, too. The whole healer thing has been done before with Chansey and Blissey, but Audino's doctor aesthetics give it a little bit of much-needed personality and flavor. Of course, Audino - or even Mega Audino - has nothing on Blissey, who is far and away the best special wall in the entire game, even though Audino can take physical blows just as well as special ones, which Blissey can't. In the end, I am drawn more toward Audino's design and flavor than Chansey and Blissey's superior competitive utility.

Rating: 4.5/5

#519 - #521: Pidove, Tranquill & Unfezant

Ah, yes, the obligatory early-game bird. How could I have forgotten that?

Right, because I waited two months until posting shit again...

Official art of Pidove, because there is literally no way to make
an ordinary street pigeon any less boring.

First off, Pidove is obviously based on those annoying feral pigeons you see in basically every big city throughout the world, not on a dove. Its heart-shaped chest could prove I'm wrong, but Pidove is gray and doves as we are all familiar with are usually white in color. Also, Pidove's flavor points to it being an ordinary city pigeon anyway, as it is accustomed to people and loud flocks of them are often found in city parks and plazas. I'm going to assume that Pidove is considered a pest, like real-world city pigeons, which are even labeled an invasive species in North America by the USDA. Pidove isn't particularly intelligent and often fails to understand its Trainer's commands - in fact, the new game Detective Pikachu portrays Pidove as so forgetful that it doesn't even remember its own name. Its evolution Tranquill, on the other hand, is always able to return to its Trainer regardless of the distance separating them. It is therefore based on homing pidgeons, a variety of domestic pigeon selectively bred for its ability to find its way home over extremely long distances. Many people believe that Tranquill lives in deep forests, where there is a peaceful place without conflict, which means that it may indeed draw inspiration from doves - because, as we all know, these birds are commonly used as a symbol of peace. Additionally, some of the works of Japanese poet and author of children's literature Kenji Miyazawa mention a fictional utopia called Īhatōbu (based on the Iwate Prefecture in Japan and often anglicized to 'Ihatov'), which is reflected in Tranquill's Japanese name Hatoboh
(ハトーボー) and its alleged war-free habitat.

Ash's Tranquill in the anime.

But even though Tranquill's design and color scheme are similar to that of a secretary bird, it can be seen as having pigeon-like features. Its final form Unfezant doesn't even look much like a pigeon anymore, but more like its namesake the pheasant. In fact, Unfezant seems to be one of these extreme cases of sexual dimorphism in Pokémon (the first being Hippopotas and Hippowdon), which also commonly occurs in birds, including pheasants: male pheasants are very colorful and quite beautiful, while female pheasants are paler and seem to be built to better camouflage themselves. More specifically, Unfezant may have drawn its inspiration from the green pheasants native to the Japanese archipelago, known for their dark green plumage and relatively large red wattles, not unlike male Unfezant - whose reddish pink wattle looks more like a mask. The females of this species are more brownish in color, just like female Unfezant, and lack the big wattles and vibrant colors the males are known for.

Flavor-wise, Unfezant doesn't seem to have anything interesting to say about. Males swing the ribbon-like appendages on its wattle to threaten its opponents, while females seem to be more adept at flying, which... Seriously, that's it? There's not even an explanation as to why this Pokémon's name contains a play on 'unpleasant'? There's literally nothing that indicates these birds are unpleasant aside from its classification as the 'Proud Pokémon', indicating they might act irritatingly haughty, but I'm pretty sure Piplup, Prinplup and Empoleon out-snob Unfezant in a competition.

Female Unfezant (up) and male Unfezant (down) probably
performing some kind of mating ritual. 

At the same time, Unfezant is easily outclassed in the competitive metagame by basically 95% of all final evolutions in the Pokémon franchise. It may have base 115 attack and 93 speed, but its mediocre defenses and shallow movepool keep it from being useful in competitive at all. Even worse, Unfezant gets Super Luck, an ability that increases its chance of getting a critical hit when all-out attacking, which stacks up nicely with two moves it learns that have a higher critical hit ratio: Air Cutter and Night Slash. Sounds nice and all, but unfortunately Air Cutter is a special move and Unfezant's base 65 special attack doesn't allow it to make good use of Air Cutter, while Night Slash is a dark-type move and doesn't even provide STAB. It's a shame Unfezant doesn't get regular Slash, which would have complemented its normal typing and physical offensive presence, but it doesn't seem like Unfezant gets anything noteworthy. It's decent for in-game purposes, as Return and Fly hit quite hard and Steel Wing provides excellent coverage against rock and ice types, but I would just recommend Swellow or Staraptor if you're looking for an offensive competitive bird. I mean, do you really want to resort to a Flyinium-Z-boosted Aerial Ace, or the inaccurate Hypnosis? A one-turn Sky Attack boosted by a Power Herb, perhaps? Trust me, Archeops - also native to Unova - can make much better use of that due to its higher attack and speed. Also, there are much better U-Turn users than Unfezant here. The only viable option at this point is to slap a Scope Lens on it to increase its critical hit ratio even further and hope for a miracle to happen.

Ugh, Unfezant, why must you be so bad?

A male Unfezant in the anime. It isn't Ash's, because Ash's Unfezant is female.

I think it's a shame that Unfezant is such a terrible Pokémon, because I absolutely love male Unfezant's design. And yes, I know I said it's decent for in-game use, but it's movepool is just so... lacking. I've always been hesitant about using it in a playthrough, and I probably would have used it already if it had been a little bit more diverse. As a result of its terribleness, Unfezant has become such an unpopular bird that there is hardly any fan art to be found of it on the Internet and I was pretty much forced to use official images and anime stills for this review more often than not. Despite that, I am willing to give Unfezant the benefit of the doubt because of its design and give it 4.5 stars rather than 4.

Rating: 4.5/5

#506 - #508: Lillipup, Herdier & Stoutland

Readers who have visited my blog consistently over the past three years probably remember that I love cats and that I'm not the biggest fan of dogs. However, I feel like canine Pokémon are generally better than feline Pokémon, with Pokémon like Arcanine, Houndoom, Granbull, Lucario and - according to my crystal ball - Lycanroc all getting a perfect rating from me (but if you want to find out what rating Stoutland's getting, you'll have to scroll down or just keep reading).

Isn't it adorable, though?

Strangely enough, Lillipup and its kin are the first normal-type dogs we encounter in the National Pokédex. Of course, Snubbull and Granbull were normal types prior to Gen. VI, but they are now technically pure fairy types and have been since the type's introduction in X and Y in 2013. Lillipup is a cute little pupper that is popular among Trainers who live in apartment buildings because it doesn't yelp, while it is the perfect Pokémon for aspiring and beginning Trainers because it's intelligent, obedient to its master's demands and easy to raise. Its intelligence allows it to realize in time when it's at a disadvantage in a fight, only to turn tail and vamoose. However, when a foe is strong enough for Lillipup to handle, this courageous little Yorkshire Terrier - its Japanese name Yorterrie (ヨーテリー) is even based on the name for this breed - uses the long fur surrounding its face as a radar to probe the condition of its battle opponents and sense subtle changes in its surroundings. That's a lot of information to take in for just a basic Pokémon, but I swear Gen. VII is so much more informative on certain Pokémon than most other generations are. It is pretty good for early-game 'trash', especially when it evolves into Herdier pretty early on as well.

TCG art of Herdier.

Herdier looks much more like a Yorkshire Terrier than Lillipup does (with characteristics of Australian Silky Terriers and even Scottish Terriers), and its name is probably a reference to herding dogs - not to be confused with livestock guardian dogs, whose primary function is to guard flocks and herds from predation and theft, although both kinds of dogs may be called 'sheep dogs'. Trainers aren't as happy with Herdier as they are with Lillipup, apparently: the black, cape-like fur on its back is very hard and impervious and makes Herdier a troublesome Pokémon to train due to the high cost of properly grooming it. It is still loyal to its Trainer and even helps them raise or take care of other Pokémon, although it refuses to listen to people it doesn't respect. When it comes to the final stage of this evolutionary line, Stoutland, its wise disposition leaves no concern that it will ever attack people, though. Parents even trust it to babysit. It is intelligent, good-natured and valiant, and therefore it is a trustworthy partner on rescue teams, saving people stranded at sea or by blizzards in the mountains while its shaggy fur shields it and the people it rescues from extreme weather conditions - although Stoutland in Alola do seem to be a little uncomfortable. Its talent for rescuing humans in the mountains is similar to a St. Bernard's, don't you think?

Origin-wise, Bulbapedia offers the suggestion that Stoutland is based on a combination of a Shih Tzu and a Maltese, probably because of that truly magnificent mustache, although it is still obviously reminiscent of Yorkies and Scotties. Even its name is a reference to terrier dogs, as the Latin terra means 'earth' and the play on 'Scotland' refers to the Scottish Terrier it is based on.

Stoutland taking care of its young.

Its name doesn't lie, though, as Stoutland is pretty stout. Its base 85 HP and 90 defenses makes it a pretty bulky Pokémon in the competitive scene, even though its base 110 attack and 80 speed allows it to run a physical Choice Scarf or Choice Band set with ease. You'll have a more-than-decent offensive threat for your opponent to handle if you add an Adamant or Jolly nature and a moveset consisting of at least Return and a couple of coverage moves. It depends on what you need, really, but among the moves that Stoutland has access to are Crunch, Pursuit, Play Rough, Wild Charge, Psychic Fangs, the elemental fangs, Iron Head, Stomping Tantrum and Superpower. There are even three great abilities to choose from: Intimidate lowers the foe's attack stat and makes Stoutland even more physically defensive, Scrappy allows Stoutland to hit ghost-type Pokémon with normal-type moves, and Sand Rush doubles Stoutland's speed in a sandstorm and prevents it from taking any sandstorm damage. The latter is very handy when you have a Pokémon with the ability Sand Stream on your team, which whips up a sandstorm and allows Stoutland to come in with double speed. That's why Smogon suggests sets that involve an Adamant nature, as it outspeeds a lot of Pokémon after a Sand Rush boost, anyway.

An old Stoutland in the Sun and Moon series of the anime, in which it was living
with a wild Litten who would eventually become Ash's. They sought refuge in an
abandoned house and under a canal bridge, until Stoutland's health deteriorated
and it disappeared after being discharged from the Pokémon Center to save Litten
from seeing it pass away, leaving Litten upset.

Stoutland is a good boy. It already appeared in my list of top 50 favorite Pokémon, and my love for this cool doggo has not died down since. I always try to use a Stoutland in any of my Black and White playthroughs, just because it's such a good Pokémon, even late-game. Above all, though, I love Stoutland's design. Canine Pokémon are so much better than feline Pokémon in my opinion, even though I am a cat person and consider myself pretty much the 28-year-old gay guy equivalent of the old cat lady.

...I'm pathetic.

Rating: 5/5

#504 - #505: Patrat & Watchog

Patrat as seen in TCG.

I have absolutely no idea where to start with Patrat. Like Rattata, Sentret, Zigzagoon and Bidoof, it is the mandatory Route 1 normal-type rodent and there isn't a lot to say about it other than its biological origins and the fact that a lot of people seem to despise it for some reason - and perhaps its evolution Watchog is hated even more by the fandom. I don't have a problem with any normal-type rodent in the franchise, let alone any Gen. V Pokémon, so I think the hate for it is unfounded and unjustified. In fact, Patrat's design and flavor are kind of interesting in my opinion, finding their inspiration in meerkats, African mongoose-like critters that stand sentry to look out for predators and warn others of approaching dangers - although it kinda looks like a chipmunk of some sort, if I have to be honest. According to the Dutch Wikipedia page, a bevy of other animal species take advantage of the warning cries from meerkats on guard, which is why the meerkat is called 'the warden of the desert'. Add to that the fact that Patrat - with the emphasis on the second syllable, because its name derives from 'patrol' - is very conscious and wary regarding its surroundings and is always on guard, and the likelihood that it is based on meerkats raises even more.

To make matters confusing, though, the English 'meerkat' is a loanword from Afrikaans, which in turn has a Dutch origin... but by misidentification. The Dutch meerkat stems from the Sanskrit markaṭa (मर्कट), meaning 'ape', and is used to specify the guenon monkeys from the genus cercopithecus, whereas the Dutch word for 'meerkat' is actually stokstaartje (literally 'stick tail'). This name is reminiscent of how Patrat's tail is mostly used to communicate with others of its species; it is almost always standing up straight and is raised whenever Patrat sees an enemy.

Watchog looks a whole lot more
fluorescent in its shiny form, tbh.

Patrat's cautious nature and meerkat characteristics are carried over to its evolution Watchog, whose design is now based on a roadworker, with its body resembling a protective suit and the yellow stripes forming a high-visibility public safety vest. Luminescent compounds in Watchog's body allow these stripes - and its eyes - to illuminate, which is a defense mechanism to threaten and possibly scare away predators, which especially comes in handy at night when Watchog will have to stand sentry due to its excellent night vision. Therefore, it is likely its name derives from 'watchdog', dogs used to alert their owners of an intruder's presence and scare them away - not to be confused with guard dogs, which are also capable to attack the intruder. This is all very ironic, because at base 85 its physical attack is Watchog's best stat. That is decent at best - though a lot of people would call it mediocre - and with base 77 speed as its second best stat, you're in for a tough ride if you decide to use this thing in a playthrough. And I'm specifically mentioning a playthrough, because you should steer clear from it altogether in the competitive metagame; it's too terrible for that. Actually, Watchog's level-up movepool is quite horrendous, as the best offensive moves it gets are Crunch and Hyper Fang (STAB), while you have to wait for the latter and put up with the weak Tackle until level 36. Absolutely atrocious. Okay, let's assume you're doing an Ultra Sun Wonderlocke and you receive a Patrat that you want to use, then you'll be in for some positive treats: the Move Tutors are actually very kind towards Watchog, as they'll be able to teach it Aqua Tail, Seed Bomb, Iron Tail, the elemental punches, Gunk Shot, Zen Headbutt and Stomping Tantrum, just to name a few. Or maybe the Hypnosis/Confuse Ray/Super Fang strategy is more your style...? Watchog isn't defensive enough to pull it off, but it learns these moves by level-up and they could work in your advantage. In the end, though, Watchog is heavily Move Tutor-reliant, as it also doesn't learn jack shit for TMs. No good TMs, by any means, with the exception of Return.

Gym Leader Lenora's Watchog in the anime series. 

Listen, I actually like Watchog. Its design is creative, its flavor is interesting, and it looks hilariously creepy. I know that sounds paradoxical, and maybe you're right, but despite its frightening disposition I just can't take this Pokémon seriously; those intimidating eyes can't hide the fact that its cheek pouches look adorably chubby. Like I said at the beginning of this article, I don't understand why so many people seem to act so negatively towards it. Maybe it has something to do with its early access to Detect (just a fighting-type Protect), Confuse Ray, Hypnosis and Super Fang, which it all learns at or before level 22, but dealing with that was never really an obstacle for me personally; Watchog is relatively easy to take down due to its poor defenses and it isn't as annoying as, say, a bitch-ass Pelipper. While Sentret did the lookout thing first, Patrat and Watchog take this aspect and elaborate on it quite well, and so I will by no means give them a bad rating.

Rating: 3.5/5

#493: Arceus

Arceus.

In quite a few ways, Arceus is a highly controversial Pokémon. I can only assume that it isn't commonplace to include a creature based on a creator deity responsible for the creation of the Earth, galaxy and universe - present in many world cultures and religions - in a prominent video game franchise predominantly aimed at children. In many monotheistic religions the single God is also the creator, but I am an atheist and I wholeheartedly believe in the Big Bang, a popular term for a cosmological theory based on the general theory of relativity stating that the universe (or cosmos, if you will) came into existence 13.8 billion years ago and expanded from a very high-temperature and high-density state called a singularity. Our Earth is significantly younger - although much older than many Christians would like you to believe - and was formed approximately 4.6 billion years ago, when our solar system was but a mere cloud of gas, dust and rubble originating from exploded stars. The massive cloud, often called a nebula, began to spin and clump up; and while the absolute lightest materials ended up in the middle and formed the sun, the solar wind swept away lighter elements that were the basis for gas giants Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune - such as hydrogen and helium - from the closer regions and left only rocky meterials to create smaller terrestrial worlds like Mercury, Venus, Earth and Mars. And then, all of a sudden, Game Freak gave us a Pokémon that is the literal embodiment of a nonexistent supernatural being that is the source of all kinds of bias and misinformation in millions of humans around the world.

Just for the record: I'm not generalizing religious people. I am certain there are many progressive Christians and Muslims (or adherents of other religions, for that matter), but for every open-minded and forward-thinking Christian there seem to be a hundred of them who want to go back to the Middle Ages. Also, I should mention that I've personally had my fair share of negative experiences with Christians, so excuse me for not being a huge fan of religion in general.

Very atmospherical fan art of Arceus waiting for you on an extended platform
hovering above Spear Pillar. It was intended to be summoned in-game by use of
the Azure Flute, distrubuted by Nintendo and The Pokémon Company, but the
event was ultimately cancelled.

Anyway, Arceus is believed to have hatched from an egg in a place where there was nothing and then shaped the world with its 1,000 arms, which ties in with a mythological motif found in the creation myths of many cultures and civilizations called the world egg, or cosmic egg. Its Pokédex entry is also a reference to the bodhisattva (a Sanskrit term for anyone who has generated bodhicitta, an enlightened mind) Avalokiteśvara, who in Buddhism is either pictured with eleven heads and one thousand arms or in a white, four-armed manifestation. Arceus's aesthetics derive from equines such as horses and llamas, although Bulbapedia suggests its stance and general form are similar to Egyptian bull and calf idols, particularly Apis. Uhm... okay? I don't see it, but what-fucking-ever.

Arceus... at the beginning of time? I don't know man, I just think
the background looks cool. 

Other controversial topics surrounding Arceus are its feature film and the pronunciation of its name. While 'ce' is usually pronounced with a soft c, the voice director of the anime dub at the time chose to pronounce Arceus with a hard c instead due to concerns over the soft c pronunciation's potential implications in British English-speaking territories, because of course British children would immediately think of an 'arse' (which is 'ass' in American English). As a result, there have been heated debates on the Internet about how to really pronounce Arceus's name, with roughly a 50/50 margin between the Ar-see-us and Ar-key-us camps and me joining the former. What everyone generally seems to agree on, however, is how shit the movie Arceus and the Jewel of Life actually is, not in the least because of the voice actor who was tasked with dubbing Arceus. The pitchy and whiny voice didn't fit such a mysterious and regal creature at all, and many found it highly disconcerting and irritating and didn't understand at all why Arceus wasn't given a much deeper voice. The movie's plot, which revolves around Arceus getting mad at the people of Michina Town for being betrayed in ancient times by a person called Damos and Ash traveling back to the past with his friends in order to directly influence the event for the better, isn't the worst I have ever seen and actually seems legitimately fun, but it contains some serious plot holes concerning time traveling and tampering with the timeline of events that I was really annoyed by.

This artist has managed to make Arceus look at least a little less
awkward. 

What I am also annoyed by - even though I shouldn't - is the stupid golden cross-like wheel around its abdomen, based on the bhavacakra ('wheel of life') from Buddhism. A symbolic representation of saṃsāra (or cyclic existence), it is found on the outside walls of Tibetan Buddhist temples and monasteries in the Indo-Tibetan region and helps ordinary people understand Buddhist teachings. This wheel thing on Arceus, which is probably more like an arc, changes color along with its eyes and hooves based on the type of plate or Z-Crystal that it is currently holding, which can basically be seen as helping ordinary people understand typings. I'm sure this arc thing plays an important role in changing the usually normal-type Arceus's typing, but there is no proof of that in the Pokédex or any other source aside from the aesthetic change. With base 120 base stats across the board - resulting in a base stat total of 720 - as well as the existence of some slightly overpowered mono-types in the competitive metagame (steel, fairy, dragon) and access to an insanely wide variety of moves, Arceus can be such a broken Pokémon in so many ways. It wasn't banned to Smogon's Uber tier for no reason, and I don't think you can actually use it in official tournaments, either. It's mainly just... there.

Even the manga didn't hold back displaying all types of Arceus.

And then its name... holy fucking shit. There are so many affixes and words that could be the inspiration for its name, and they all make sense. This is actually a warning, as it could get a bit repetitive, so if you don't feel like going through all of them, I'd recommend just skipping the following paragraph altogether.

So, the prefix arch- means 'most extreme' or 'highest', while árchon - or ἄρχων - is Greek for 'ruler' (not the mathematical kind) or 'lord' and deus is Latin for 'god' or 'deity'. It may also be the case that Arceus's name is derived from 'archaic' or from the Greek ἀρχή and ἀρχαῖος (arkhē and arkhaîos, respectively, with the former meaning 'beginning' or 'origin' and the latter meaning 'ancient') and Latin archetypus ('original'). There's 'arc' and aureus as well - with the latter being Latin for 'golden', in reference to its hooves and gold-colored wheel - but the last reference is even phonetically the same depending on which Arceus pronunciation camp you're in: Archeus - derived from the earlier-mentioned arkhaîos - which is the vital principle or force believed by the Paracelsians to be responsible for alchemical reactions within living bodies, and hence for the growth and continuation of all living beings. Essentially it was seen as the gray area wherein matter, speaking parallel and not laterally, begins to transmute into spiritual energies, and in effect it is the glue which binds the heavens to the material. It's such a vague concept that I don't fully understand it, but as Arceus is responsible for creating Sinnoh and Ransei (the region in Pokémon Conquest, my favorite Pokémon spin-off game) and possibly all life on Earth in the Pokémon world, I don't think this reference is all too farfetched.

The Last Supper re-enacted by all of the relevant legendaries, with Arceus
obviously acting like Jesus Christ.

I don't like Arceus, goddammit. There are too many religious references in its design and flavor, and I think it's all a bit too much. Arceus itself looks weird, especially with all of its body parts out of proportion (its awkwardly round abdomen, its long knobbly legs, the wheel being stuck around its body, its weird 'haircut', etc.), and I don't really see the need for such a Pokémon. Event Pokémon tend to be a little bit unnecessary in the first place, but at least most of those are competitively viable without being banned and aren't just mere collectibles. Arceus is by far my least favorite legendary/mythical Pokémon in existence and it's actually the only one not getting a passing grade - in fact, all of the other legendaries have gotten or will get at least 3.5 stars. Sucks to be you, Arceus.

Rating: 2.5/5

#486: Regigigas

Either this Regigigas is way too small or these Eevee are
way too big. 

Usually, there are some redeeming qualities to be found in legendary Pokémon that aren't considered to be very good in a competitive setting. I mean, I made Articuno and Virizion work on Pokémon Showdown to some extent, but they're by far not the best Pokémon to use competitively. However, I guess nobody can really save Regigigas from being downright terrible. For Christ's sake, this thing resides in Smogon's lowest tier (PU) despite having approximately the same base stat total as many of the box-art legendaries. Yeah, Regigigas is that bad. Of course, this has everything to do with its ability Slow Start, which halves its actual attack and speed stats during the first five turns in battle, and switching it out for another Pokémon will only reset the counter. You could give it Substitute in order for it to last a couple turns, but a good fighting type will have no trouble knocking it out in two turns at most. Hell, Regigigas is even set-up fodder, which means opponents with moves such as Swords Dance, Calm Mind or Dragon Dance now have an excellent opportunity to raise their stats and sweep your team. And a defensive Regigigas altogether really doesn't make a lick of sense, because it doesn't learn a wide array of good support moves (it cannot even learn Protect) and it will be at full power and speed after five turns, anyway. No no no, this Pokémon is best to be avoided; if you wish to use crazy powerful Pokémon - I'm talking Groudon, Rayquaza, Solgaleo, Dialga, Yveltal, Reshiram and Zekrom and the like - you'd do better to just participate in Smogon's Uber tier.

Lucas and Dawn (the Diamond and Pearl player
characters) encounter a slumbering Regigigas in
the basement of Snowpoint Temple.

Regigigas's redeeming factors lay in its design and origins. It doesn't occur often that a trio of legendaries get a downright follow-up one generation later; I mean, Lugia had Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres to watch over, but I believe this was merely for the sake of the second movie's storyline. However, Regigigas is very much aesthetically related to Regirock, Regice and Registeel, complete with their signature seven-eye pattern. The six spots apart from its eyes appear to be gemstones, with the red gems representing Regirock, the blue gems indicating Regice and the silver/grey gems representing Registeel. It actually created the legendary titans itself from clay, ice and magma, which showcases its excellent craftsmanship and ability to survive in and work under extreme conditions - for example, it had to work with boiling temperatures of magma (1300 to 2400°F) when creating Registeel and with frigid ice (-328°F) when crafting Regice. Regigigas seems to have parallels to the Legendary Golem of Prague, created out of clay from the banks of the Vltava river by the late 16th-century Czech rabbi Judah Loew ben Bezalel and brought to life through rituals and Hebrew incantations to defend the Prague ghetto from anti-Semitic attacks and pogroms. The latter is a term ascribed most often to the deliberate persecution of an ethnic or religious group, usually Jews. The golem went out of control, however, and was immobilized and sealed away in the attic genizah of the Old New Synagogue, where it could be restored again if needed. Conversely, Regigigas was stored in the basement of Snowpoint Temple and will go on a rampage if awoken from its slumber uncarefully - and a long slumber it must have been, judging from its mossy feet and bushy shoulders.

For some reason, some of Regigigas's Pokédex entries also mention that there is an enduring legend that states this Pokémon towed continents using ropes. I think this random 'fact' doesn't really fit its design and the rest of its origins, if you ask me, but... I guess I'll believe it?

Regigigas isn't exactly Regi Kick-Ass.

Like Heatran, Regigigas is yet another post-game legendary Game Freak added to Diamond and Pearl just because they could, and it won't be the last one we'll encounter this generation. Unfortunately, it cannot live up to Heatran's offensive prowess and Cresselia's notorious tanking abilities due to its terrible ability hindering it tremendously. Regigigas is basically a second Slaking: both are normal types, both have the same base stat total of 670 and base 160 attack stat, and both have abilities that significantly limit their power. Truant is slightly better than Slow Start, because at least it doesn't halve Slaking's attack stat upon entering the battlefield, making Giga Impact a highly viable move that can do some very serious damage. Sure, Slaking can only move every other turn, but at least it's better than doing only minimum damage for the first five turns. Very few Pokémon stay in play for five turns or more, which officially makes Slow Start the worst ability and Regigigas the worst legendary in the entire franchise.

There, I said it.

Rating: 3.5/5

#441: Chatot

I kinda have a love-hate relationship with gimmicky Pokémon revolving around a certain aspect that makes them unique. For example, I love Unown because there's a whole lot of mystery surrounding this Pokémon and I actually really like its design, but I dislike Castform because it's a head with testicles whose only shtick is to change into another form corresponding to the current weather condition (yes, I am aware it's based on the teru teru bōzu; and no, I do not care). On the other hand, there are some gimmicky Pokémon that I am somewhat indifferent towards, like Smeargle and today's subject, Chatot.

Chatot enjoying some petting. 

Chatot's gimmick is its signature move Chatter. Chatter was a field move (moves that can be used outside of battle) in Gen. IV and Gen. V and could be used to record and temporarily alter the battle cry of Chatot. The volume of the recording determined the chance of confusing the foe, but the base power of Chatter remained 60 no matter what. From X and Y onward, it is a 65-power move that always confuses the foe and unfortunately can't be used in the overworld to record Chatot's battle cry. If anything, it's a fun gimmick, and I think it's kind of a shame Game Freak got rid of it, but the complications caused by this move in Gen. V made them abandon the field move function altogether. You'd think that a 65-power move that always confuses the foe would be overpowered, but Chatot isn't very strong or fast to begin with: its base 92 special attack and 91 speed are decent, but it can either hold the Choice Specs at the expense of being relatively quick or it can hold a Choice Scarf at the expense of sheer power. And like burn, confusion got nerfed in Sun and Moon - instead of a 50% chance of hurting themselves, Pokémon now have a 33% chance of doing so. However, Chatot does have access to STAB Boomburst, a 140-power normal-type move that deals massive damage to anything that doesn't resist it. Therefore, people often run Boomburst in combination with Heat Wave and a fighting-type Hidden Power, in order to deal with steel and rock types more effectively, while U-Turn can be used to gain momentum.

Chatot in TCG. 

A Nasty Plot set with Boomburst, Chatter and either Heat Wave or Substitute isn't uncommon, either: Chatot can create a substitute and hide behind it, only to set up with Nasty Plot - which raises its special attack by two stages - and fire away with its STAB moves. Of course, in this case the Leftovers are recommended, as the Choice Specs and Choice Scarf force Chatot to use a single move consecutively until it switches out. At least it should have a Timid nature at all times, as well as the Tangled Feet ability; should Chatot get confused itself, moves used against it will have their accuracy halved. Keen Eye only prevents accuracy loss on Chatot, while its hidden ability Big Pecks prevents its defense from being lowered, which is... unhelpful. Chatot's not taking hits anytime soon with those terrible defenses anyway, so Big Pecks isn't gonna help it one bit.

But what about Chatot's origins? Are they anything special?

Chatot looks chronically suspicious in its official art. I wonder
what exactly its problem is. 

Well, no... not exactly. Chatot is based on a parakeet, or even other parrot species like the masked lovebird, blue-and-yellow macaw and even the rose-ringed parakeet in reference to its feathered collar (although it's kind of a stretch). Parrots are often known for imitating human sounds, and that is exactly what Chatot is all about: its tongue is similar to a human's, allowing it to imitate human speech. It is also able to cleverly mimic the cries of other Pokémon, which it uses as a defense mechanism. Chatot remembers the sounds it learns and arranges them into its own melody while keeping rhythm by flicking its tail, which is why its head looks like an eighth note and its tail resembles a metronome. That's basically everything worth mentioning about this thing, though; if it looks like a parrot and acts like a parrot, it is a parrot. However, I really like Chatot as a whole: it's cute, and the eighth-note shape of its head and the metronome tail are nice little additions to its design and mesh well with its flavor text, making it an exceptionally musical Pokémon. I do feel like an evolution would have been no luxury, as it's quite weak and very frail, but above all I would have loved to see the music aspect of its design be elaborated upon and the eighth-note head change into something like a treble clef (don't let Meghan Trainor hear that). All in all, Chatot is a moderately interesting Pokémon, and I am going to give it four stars out of five. I acknowledge Chatot is not a very popular Pokémon, but at least you'll have to admit it's a lovable Pokémon only because of its design.

P.S.: Chatot's Japanese name Perap (ペラップ) is pretty clever, as perapera can mean 'blah blah blah' or 'yada yada yada' - referring to how incessantly some parrots will talk and chatter - as well as 'fluent in languages'. Neat.

Rating: 4/5

#431 - #432: Glameow & Purugly

The artist made Glameow here much cuter than it actually is.

I told you I once did an Omega Ruby playthrough with feline Pokémon, did I? Well, even if I like Delcatty more than Purugly design-wise, I ended up using the latter, anyway.

Why? Well, because it's a better battler, of course.

I had to put up with a Glameow until level 38, however, which was a pain because it wasn't very good. I even decided to pass on Play Rough at level 50, which Purugly cannot learn, because it was really too far away. While Glameow was fast, it was also relatively weak and feeble, making it an absolute pain to train, especially since the shit with Team Magma goes down when your Pokémon are a little below that level - which is kinda late into the story in the first place - and turning on the Exp. Share tends to make them just a tad bit overleveled even when they don't get boosted experience. And my feline Pokémon did, because I didn't catch them in Omega Ruby; they were obviously transferred to this game from Pokémon Bank. Maybe Game Freak wanted to tie in Glameow's snooty and fickle personality with its in-game purposes, but perhaps that's a little too farfetched since there are a ton of Pokémon who evolve at such a high level. Purugly's stats don't justify it evolving so late from Glameow, however, because it is a decent Pokémon at best.

Is this Glameow really looking at an ordinary goldfish? 

More about Purugly's competitive capabilities later, though. First, we're going to see what it and its pre-evolution are all about flavor-wise. Like I said, Glameow is a haughty and capricious Pokémon that tends to become violent when they are dissatisfied with the current course of events; it is a spiteful Pokémon that can suddenly hook its claws into its Trainer's nose if it isn't fed or when it is angry with them for some reason. When it is happy, it can also purr quite affectionately and demonstrate beautiful movements of its tail, like a dancing ribbon. The ugly side of its personality is intensified when it evolves into Purugly, becoming a Pokémon that makes itself look larger and more intimidating by cinching its waist with its forked tail. This brazen brute barges into the nests of other Pokémon and frightens them off so it can claim the nest as its own if it finds it sufficiently comfortable. Additionally, Purugly will glare at you ceaselessly if you lock eyes with it, so you'd better not start a staring contest with this thing.

Like Pokémon, like Trainer. Or is it the other way around...?

Its hypnotizing looks are probably the reason why it has access to Hypnosis in its level-up moveset, but even though sleep is a precious status condition in competitive play, the 60% accuracy of Hypnosis makes this move less viable than one should wish. Purugly is more often used as a physical attacker in the lower tiers, rocking a moveset consisting of Fake Out, Return, Sucker Punch and Knock Off, occasionally replacing either Sucker Punch or Knock Off in favor of U-Turn. That's pretty much all you need, really. My own Purugly had Return, Aerial Ace, Shadow Claw and Dig, but those moves - with the exception of Return - are absolutely terrible in a competitive setting. It is actually way too brittle to use it as a support Pokémon, and aside from that it doesn't get a whole lot of physical or support options in the first place. You could let Purugly hold either a Silk Scarf to boost its STAB normal-type moves or a Life Orb to boost all of its moves by 30% in exchange for 10% of its health each turn, but it should have a Jolly nature at all times to make maximum use of its surprisingly excellent speed stat - it may look fat and sluggish, but its base 112 speed stat makes it a helluva lot faster than most Pokémon out there. As for abilities, you are best off with Purugly's hidden ability Defiant, which boosts its attack by two stages whenever one of its stats is lowered. Own Tempo prevents it from being confused and is merely situational, while the resistances to fire- and ice-type moves due to Thick Fat sound nice but won't have much of a notable effect because Purugly's defenses aren't worth shit.

No wonder Purugly cinches its waist with its tail. It will become much slower and
less self-confident with such a high amount of fat. 

Purugly is exactly what its name suggests it is: ugly - characteristically as well as aesthetically, and that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. While I used it in my feline playthrough of Omega Ruby, I only did so because the alternative was Delcatty, and we all know Delcatty sucks. In my opinion, however, Game Freak could have done a lot better than creating a brutal, overweight domestic tabby cat. Persian is a mean bitch already, and its personality fits its design and appearance perfectly, so there was no need to depict another cat in a bad light like this. Cats already have a bad rap due to their distant, suspicious and unfriendly personalities, and I'll be the first to admit that they're not as friendly and playful as dogs are, but in my experience they can be very sweet and curious and allow you to cuddle with them all you like as long as you treat them right. Feline Pokémon with dubious personalities such as Persian and Liepard can be an asset to the Pokémon franchise when executed well, but a Pokémon like Purugly was absolutely unnecessary. If my ratings were based on design alone, this Pokémon would get 4.5 stars from me, but I'll have to lower that rating significantly after my heavy criticism of Purugly's flavor.

Rating: 3/5

#427 - #428: Buneary & Lopunny

Now these are some inappropriate bunnies...

Before I dive into some serious Hugh Hefner type of shit, let me get Buneary out of the way. This adorable little bunny is nothing but an adorable little bunny being an adorable little bunny. The only interesting thing about it is that it is capable of delivering powerful blows that can shatter boulders with its rolled-up ears, which I'm sure Diggersby can do much better than Buneary. There's literally nothing else to say about this thing other than its sleeping, eating and survival habits - again, it perks up its ears when it senses danger. I never knew Buneary's name made so much sense, but it's a true eye-opener (!).

Buneary in the anime, striking a pose I don't particularly perceive as 'cute'...

Seriously though, it is Lopunny where things get interesting, with it seemingly being a caricature of a Playboy Bunny - a waitress at a Playboy Club wearing a costume inspired by and matching the official logo and mascot of the monthly men's lifestyle magazine Playboy, consisting of a strapless corset teddy, satin bunny ears, black pantyhose, cuffs, a bow tie, a collar and a fluffy cottontail. We all know that Hugh Hefner, who passed away last month, intended for them to look sexy, sensual and promiscuous, even though they aren't allowed to touch the patrons of a Playboy Club and vice versa. However, the association of Playboy Bunnies with Playboy, notorious for its vast array of nude photos every month, is undeniable. So here we have Lopunny, a Pokémon based on the logo/mascot of a flagship American lifestyle magazine (special nation-specific versions are published worldwide), which contains adult content on a monthly basis and played an important part in the sexual revolution occurring from the 1960s to the 1980s.

Official art of Lopunny, drawn by none other than Ken Sugimori.
I tried looking for normal fan art of this thing, but that was hard
because it being based on a Playboy Bunny obviously begs for
Rule 34 to be applied. 

The worst part of this is that Buneary evolves into Lopunny when leveled up with high friendship, something that doesn't seem quite as equivocal in, say, Riolu and Lucario's case. The fact that we're talking about what's essentially a children's game makes the ambiguity that much more cringeworthy. Sure, the costume is still popular in Japan, where it has lost much of its association with Playboy and is commonly featured in manga and anime - which could explain Lopunny's coquettish cry and girlish figure - but to Americans and people from many other Western countries, the 'bunny suit' will forever be quintessential of the sexual image Playboy perpetuates. Of course, Lopunny is not based on a mere costume. This Pokémon is based on actual bunnies called lop-eared rabbits, domestic breeds with ears that flop over rather than stand erect. The inspiration for Lopunny's design comes specifically from the ears of the Holland Lop, but other than that the similarities are few and far between. I have a problem with the term 'Holland Lop', however, so allow me to use this transition as an opportunity to tell you that I absolutely hate it when people use the word 'Holland' in such a colloquial manner in so many languages (including my own), with people exclaiming that they've been to Holland when they refer to the country as a whole. Interestingly, my country isn't called Holland; it's called the Netherlands, and Holland consists of only two of twelve Dutch provinces, being North Holland and South Holland.

Well, the more you know...

Stat-wise, Lopunny isn't anything special, having mediocre or only decent stats across the board aside from its speed. Because it has Klutz, an ability that prevents the effects of held items from applying, people teach it Switcheroo so that it can transfer a harmful held item like a Sticky Barb or Flame Orb to the foe in exchange for the foe's own held item. Other than that, it is better to just let Lopunny hold a Lopunnite and Mega-evolve it. Trust me, it's for the best, because its base 76 attack stat becomes a hefty base 136 now, while its already good speed stat also gets a boost and ends up at a base 135. In short, Mega Lopunny is a hit-and-run Pokémon that's supposed to hit hard and fast, and that shouldn't be a problem with a nature such as a Jolly one and moves such as Return and High Jump Kick. Those two moves are the staples of its moveset, with High Jump Kick even providing STAB because Mega Lopunny is a normal/fighting type (regular Lopunny is just a normal type), while Fake Out is an excellent opener and Ice Punch is a great type coverage move. It learns Drain Punch and Power-Up Punch in case you prefer the respective healing and attack-boosting aspects of those moves over the chance of crash damage from High Jump Kick, while other coverage moves such as Iron Tail, Thunder Punch and Fire Punch could come in handy depending on which Pokémon you're facing. Don't bother with special moves, because Lopunny's base special attack is a terrible 54 even as its Mega form.

D'awww, bunny love!

While I think a fighting Playboy Bunny is kind of amusing and Mega Lopunny's design - which may have been inspired by 1980s-styled aerobics outfits - is pretty dope, I can't help but to think this Pokémon shouldn't have existed in the first place. If Pokémon had been an American franchise, I wouldn't have been writing about this thing right now; and let's face it, a creature based on mature content in a children's franchise is kind of stretching it a little bit. Of course, most kids are oblivious to all of this bullshit, so in the end it doesn't even matter, but there are a lot of adults who have been playing Pokémon since they were kids and have come to know Lopunny's origins the hard way. It's not as if you can say there aren't any adults who are amused by it, but you have to admit that a lot of people think Hugh Hefner was a misogynist asshole objectifying women by means of his Playboy magazine, Playboy Clubs, Playboy Bunnies, Playboy jet (dubbed "Big Bunny"), Playboy Mansion and lavish Playboy parties and what have you, so a Pokémon based on all of that won't sit well with those people.

And all of the children who easily have access to Bulbapedia now, you ask? Well, what can I say? The Internet is a bitch.

Also, Lopunny's flavor text is absolutely bland: it's a cautious Pokémon and it starts kicking if its delicate ears are touched roughly, which is about all there is to say about it. I wanted to include this bit a little earlier on in this review, but there was a lot to talk about and I couldn't find a proper way to fit it in, so I'm mentioning it now. To conclude, I'm giving this Pokémon 4.5 stars, but only because I think its Mega is lit.

Rating: 4.5/5