#531: Audino

Audino is a benevolent Pokémon, so it's not surprising these
Dedenne are feeling so at ease in its presence. 

Next on the list is the Pokémon that would replace Chansey as Nurse Joy's assistant in Pokémon Centers in Unova. Actually, ever since the Unova region Chansey has retired from being Nurse Joy's assistant altogether, as it's Wigglytuff aiding her in Kalos, while in Alola she's accompanied by Blissey and Comfey. It isn't suprising that a Pokémon like Audino was introduced in a generation that is often regarded as a reboot of the series, and as most older Pokémon didn't show up until the Adventures in Unova arc of the Pokémon anime (in the Black and White games, older Pokémon aren't available until post-game), Audino had to take over Chansey's role of assistant healer in Pokémon Centers. It's the perfect Pokémon for that, as the feelers on Audino's ears act like stethoscopes in that it can feel the beat of another Pokémon's heart in order to assess its mood and overall physical condition. Audino's auditory sense is so astounding, in fact, that it has the radar-like ability to understand its surroundings through slight sounds. Mega Audino even has a secondary pair of feelers with which it can put those who come in contact with them into a deep sleep, while it can release relaxing pulses that reduce hostility. Yup, you've read that correctly: Audino can Mega-evolve. It's the only Pokémon introduced in the fifth generation that is capable of Mega-evolving in the first place, and to this day I have absolutely no idea why. I don't think it needed a Mega evolution anyway, and you'll find my arguments for that in the paragraph about its competitive usage.

D'awww, look at this cutie!

Audino may be an excellent healer, but it fulfils no such role in the Gen. V games. You see, there's a phenomenon called rustling grass, and stepping into it may result in an encounter with a rare Pokémon. The only Pokémon in the rustling grass that isn't rare is Audino, appearing at least 80% of the time in pretty much all of Unova's tall grass. Because of its availability in rustling grass - which, by the way, can easily be triggered by walking back and forth nearby a patch of tall grass for a couple of seconds - as well as the absurdly high amount of experience points you can get from it, battling wild Audino is a fast way to level up your Pokémon when playing Black, White, Black 2 or White 2.

Audino is definitely a Pokémon that can be portrayed as
sickeningly kawaii, so I'll just tone it down for this blog and give
you this moderately cute piece of fan art of Audino with its
Trainer, Hilda.

It's weird that Audino is so easily available in the games, because Game Freak have always kept the Chansey line somewhat rare to obtain. Considering the abundance of Audino to be found all over the Unova region, you'd wonder what this thing is actually based on. Well, Bulbapedia suggests that it seems to be partially based on rabbits; and to be fair, those critters aren't very uncommon in real life, either. However, the similarities to rabbits are not very eminent in its design, and I think Game Freak went for a nurse/physician aesthetic more than anything. The stethoscope-like feelers on Audino's ears also bring to mind a butterfly's antennae - or proboscis - and the ears themselves kind of resemble butterfly wings, which may mean it is based on some depiction of a fairy. As regular Audino, a pure normal type, gains the fairy typing upon Mega-evolving, this theory isn't too farfetched. As for Audino's names across the world, they all contain a pun of some sort. Its Japanese name Tabunne
(タブンネ) is a direct play on tabun ne, meaning 'maybe', as well as tabun ('many are heard') and mimitabu ('earlobe'). In Korean, its name sounds quite similar to its Japanese one: Dabunie (다부니) is a corruption of dabunhi, meaning 'quite'. Audino is of course derived from 'audio', but Game Freak have managed to capture the meaning of the Japanese pun quite well with a pun on the phrase 'I dunno.' Its French name Nanméouïe contains ouïe ('hearing') and is phonetically similar to non mais oui ('no but yes'), but I don't think the latter is a phrase that is used very often in spoken word. By all means, correct me if I'm wrong by leaving a comment below. Finally, Audino's German name Ohrdoch is a pun on oh, doch, which means as much as 'oh, yes, actually', but is also heavily inspired by Ohr ('ear') and Doktor (I don't have to explain what that word means, do I?).

The only name I can't quite wrap my head around is Audino's Chinese name Chàbùduōwáwá (差不多娃娃). I mean, chàbùduō means 'almost' or 'more or less' and wáwá means 'doll', but does that mean that they think Audino is more or less a doll? Maybe Audino is a doll in the metaphorical sense of the word - it is often used in English as a synonym for a nice and kind person; a sweetheart, if you will - but I'm not so sure the word 'doll' has the same metaphorical meaning in the Chinese language as it does in English. I don't quite understand, and I have a feeling I'm not supposed to.

Mega Audino. It appears to be wearing some kind of coat and
boots, which indicates that it may have a resemblance to the
Sweet Lolita fashion style, especially color-wise (white and pink).

And then there's Audino's competitive abilities, which are... subpar. Regular Audino resides in Smogon's lowest tier, PU, because its base stat total of 445 renders it pretty much useless in any competitive battle. With base 103 HP and 86 defenses, Audino tries to be bulky, but it doesn't quite succeed in that. It can take a few hits, sure, and the Wish/Protect combo is as good a strategy as any to make Audino last a little longer on the battlefield, but it simply doesn't cut it. Its terrible offensive stats don't really help either, because they make Audino rely on Toxic for damage. No, you'll need the Audinite, the Mega Stone that allows Audino to Mega-evolve and become... well, not stronger. Bulkier, for sure. Mega Audino does get a slight boost in its special attack, which actually allows you to run a Calm Mind set with Dazzling Gleam, but don't expect to hit too hard, especially since you need a Calm or Bold nature to make Mega Audino as bulky as possible. Wish and Protect are still required, especially since you'll have to wait until the right time to Mega-evolve Audino anyway, because regular Audino has the ability Regenerator: every time a Pokémon with this ability is switched out, it regains a third of its maximum HP. Therefore, I'd recommend not going for Calm Mind at all, but slapping on either Toxic or Heal Bell; Dazzling Gleam is a STAB fairy-type move and hits moderately hard in the first place, so Toxic can provide some excellent residual damage, while Heal Bell lets Audino heal all of your Pokémon's status conditions in one turn. The downside to Mega Audino is that it doesn't get Regenerator as its ability and is, unfortunately, stuck with Healer, an ability that only works in Double Battles. And if there's one thing about Pokémon that I don't know jack shit about, it's competitive Double Battles, so... yeah.

Beautiful, painting-style art of Mega Audino.

Audino has access to a slew of coverage moves many a Pokémon would be jealous of: Flamethrower, Fire Blast, Ice Beam, Thunderbolt, Shadow Ball, Psychic, Psyshock, Wild Charge, Surf, Signal Beam, the elemental punches, Drain Punch, Iron Tail, Knock Off, Throat Chop, Stomping Tantrum, Zen Headbutt... and I don't think that's all yet. These are all moves that Audino isn't going to use, especially not the physical ones; special coverage moves should only be given to Audino when you think it's absolutely necessary, while Knock Off should be given to a Pokémon that can make much better use of it.

Audino does have a lot of support moves to choose from. Rest and Sleep Talk could replace Wish and Protect, but they're more difficult to pull off and should only be used on a Pokémon that doesn't have access to Wish. Magic Coat bounces back status moves to the user, which can come in handy whenever you see a Taunt coming - or annoying status-inflicting moves like Toxic and entry hazards like Stealth Rock and Spikes, just to name a few. Snatch allows Audino to steal an opponent's beneficial status move, but that might not turn out too beneficial for Audino, even though it temporarily hinders the opponent. Encore locks the opponent into the move it last used, while Trick Room is a weird move that allows slower Pokémon to move first as long as the move is in effect. Skill Swap could be used to let Mega Audino swap abilities with the opponent, which means you'll be able to get rid of Healer, at least. Healing Wish makes Audino faint but fully heals the Pokémon that is switched in after it, status condition and all. Then there's moves like Thunder Wave and Yawn, but Toxic is generally better. Substitute isn't misplaced on a bulky Pokémon like Audino at all, and you could even give it Light Screen and Reflect and make your whole team a bit bulkier overall.

Mega Audino and its cute little babies. 

I like Audino, and a lot more than Chansey, too. The whole healer thing has been done before with Chansey and Blissey, but Audino's doctor aesthetics give it a little bit of much-needed personality and flavor. Of course, Audino - or even Mega Audino - has nothing on Blissey, who is far and away the best special wall in the entire game, even though Audino can take physical blows just as well as special ones, which Blissey can't. In the end, I am drawn more toward Audino's design and flavor than Chansey and Blissey's superior competitive utility.

Rating: 4.5/5

#459 - #460: Snover & Abomasnow

Somehow I managed to take it upon myself to listen to every goddamn Eurovision song in existence during the past two and a half months. The Eurovision Song Contest is an annual song competition watched by more than 200 million people in Europe every year and has been around uninterrupted since 1956, with now over 1500 different entries, so it took a long time before I was done checking them all out. It totally explains my long absence from this blog, so I would like to apologize for that while I'm at it. But now I'm back, bitches! It's been a while since I posted a review - New Year's Eve, to be precise - so I wonder if I've still got it in me. Let's start where we left off, shall we?

Snover as depicted in TCG.

Today's topic is Snover, a cute little snow-covered tree Pokémon that is basically nothing more than a walking fir tree topped with a layer of snow. While its brown lower body resembles a pinecone of some sort, Snover is more likely to be the illegitimate love child of the Yeti and an evergreen tree. Sure enough, Snover live mainly on snowy mountains with little human contact, but they move to the lower reaches when the weather turns cold (Jesus fucking Christ, Snover, are you an ice-type Pokémon or what?) and returning to the summit in the spring, when it grows edible white berries with the texture of frozen treats along its midsection for some indiscernible reason. They are boldly inquisitive when it comes to humans, approaching them without fear and gathering around footsteps they find in the mountains. It's all very cute - even its 'hat' resembling three mountain peaks, which is a nice little touch - but Snover isn't nearly as fascinating as its evolution, as is the case with many basic-form Pokémon.

Abomasnow whipping up a blizzard. 

Abomasnow, whose name is an obvious play on the Abominable Snowman (a.k.a. the Yeti of Nepalese folklore), is where things start to get really interesting. This monstrosity is basically still a big walking tree, but the mustache-like appendages that cover its mouth remind me of Cthulhu, which is a classic creature within the pantheon of Lovecraftian cosmic entities for being a gigantic octopus worshipped by cultists. It gives Abomasnow kind of a creepy appearance, that's for sure. Like its pre-evolution Snover, Abomasnow prefers snowy mountains to live in and appears only when snow flowers bloom. Once the flowers wither, it retreats to isolated areas, where it creates blizzards to hide itself from humans, even creating the legend of the Abominable Snowman within the Pokémon universe this way. The most interesting part about this is that Abomasnow is based on a certain phenomenon called juhyou, in which harsh winters in the northern prefectures in Japan cause landscapes to become white and ghostly and the trees to get completely covered in ice. It's an eldritch but stunning sight, and as the phenomenon only occurs in Japan, I have no doubt juhyou (literally 'frost-covered trees') were the main inspiration for Abomasnow's design.

Abomasnow is also the only name that is a play on the common term for a folkloric creature, as all of its foreign names suggest it has royal blood in some way. Its Japanese name Yukinooh (ユキノオー) literally means 'snow king' (yuki no ō); in its French and German names of Blizzaroi and Rexblisar, respectively, roi and rex both mean 'king', with roi being French and rex being Latin; and its Korean and Mandarin Chinese names of Nunseolwang (눈설왕) and Bàoxuěwáng (暴雪王) both contain the word wang, which of course means 'king' as well.

You'll see the actual Mega Abomasnow in a minute, but I wanted
to include this amazing piece of realistic fan art here for the sole
reason that it is outright terrifying. 

However, Abomasnow is all but a king in competitive play. Even when the sprouts on its back grow into huge-ass icicles as Mega Abomasnow, this Pokémon is nothing short of underwhelming. This is partly due to Abomasnow's terrible typing, as its grass/ice typing gives it weaknesses to no fewer than seven different types, one of them being a quadruple one to fire. Even its solid bulk (base 90 HP as well as base 105 defense and special defense) won't make it live a Fire Blast or a Flare Blitz, and there are a lot of people that have at least one fire-type coverage move on one of their competitive Pokémon, because fire is such a great offensive typing and resists all of Abomasnow's STAB moves. Mega Abomasnow is also excruciatingly slow as its back now has to support enormous shafts of ice, and I can only assume it has taken a hunched posture in order for its back to carry the weight of these icicles. It's not a terrible Pokémon to use, however, and a Brave or Quiet nature allows it to attack on both sides of the spectrum. With both physical and special STAB moves like Blizzard (100% accurate due to its ability Snow Warning summoning a hailstorm in battle), Wood Hammer, Giga Drain, Ice Shard (always hits first unless countered with another priority move or cancelled due to certain moves or abilities), Ice Beam, Energy Ball, Ice Punch, Seed Bomb and Avalanche (does double damage when acting last, but that's a plus with Mega Abomasnow's abominable speed star), you can expect this Pokémon to hit very hard. All moves vary in power and effect and could be tremendously useful, so pick whatever suits your needs. You could even opt to throw a few coverage moves like Focus Blast, Iron Tail, Earthquake, Outrage, Rock Slide, Shadow Ball and Brick Break into the mix or give its Swords Dance to give a boost to its attack. This here variety is why Abomasnow's Mega form is often used as a mixed attacker.

As for regular Abomasnow, I would not recommend using it whatsoever. It is significantly less bulky and offensive while it is only slightly faster, and it'll go down quicker than you can say "Motherfucker!" Yes, it has Soundproof, which nullifies all sound-based moves used on it, but it really doesn't matter if you're going to use Mega Abomasnow anyway.

The 'real' Mega Abomasnow.

Abomasnow is certainly an interesting Pokémon, and I have to admit that I quite disliked it when it was first introduced to us: it looked weird and creepy and it made me slightly uncomfortable. I have come to like this thing, however, even though it left me quite underwhelmed during the one time that I used it and its Mega in an X or Y playthrough. Its origins are interesting, however, and its Mega is a significant improvement compared to its original design, as it now looks like a terrifying, shaggy fur monster you don't want to encounter in the wild. It won't get a perfect rating by any means, probably not even in the future, but 4.5 stars ain't bad.

And we're off to a good start, aren't we? Just you wait until I'll be reviewing the next Pokémon on the list.

Rating: 4.5/5

#447 - #448: Riolu & Lucario

So now we've come to probably one of the most - if not the most - popular Pokémon among the most avid Pokémon fans, and I have to say the love for Lucario is completely justified. Some might say this thing is furry bait - according to Bogleech, there's a theory going around that holds that the easier it is to conceive a fursona out of a Pokémon, the more embraced it is by the fandom - but there aren't a ton of furries to be found in the Pokémon fandom in the first place, I don't think, and my own love for this thing has nothing to do with that whatsoever. Goddammit, I'm not effing Verlisify. Case in point: Verlisify's own mascot is Zoroark, who, in comparison with Lucario, is significantly less popular but far more furry-baity.

Mystery Dungeon art of Riolu. Obviously, the scarf isn't
part of its original design. 

But to stay on-topic: as far as anthropomorphic dogs go, Game Freak did an excellent job creating Lucario and its pre-evolution. Aesthetically, this Pokémon has close similarities to jackals, which, at the same time, gives it an Anubis-like appearance. For those few who don't know, Anubis is the Greek name of a god associated with mummification and the afterlife in ancient Egyptian religion and is often depicted as canine or a man with a jackal's head. His role in Egyptian mythology was to judge the hearts of the deceased souls based on their actions during life, resembling Riolu and Lucario's ability to see a life form's special kind of energy called 'aura'. Sure enough, there's a mysterious air of ancientness surrounding both Riolu and Lucario. Riolu is remarkably sensitive to aura, and it can emanate intensified waves of this spiritual energy as a way of signaling its allies when sad or scared. However, it doesn't have the ability to fully use these powers; it can sense people's aura well enough and can use its own aura to communicate with others of its species just fine, albeit only in ripples. Like all fighting types, Riolu has superhuman strength and tremendous stamina (I apologize for that one), and it is capable of making long journeys on foot in a short amount of time, cresting three mountains and crossing two canyons in one night. It goes without saying, however, that Lucario has its aura-reading abilities completely under control by using the four black appendages it has developed on the back of its head. Lucario studies this energy to predict the movements of its opponents in battle and track its quarry, and it has the power to manipulate aura in an offensive manner - Aura Sphere, anyone?

The Riolu in the Pokémon Ranger anime special is happy to see Ash. 

Both Riolu and Lucario are being treated favorably by their creators, starring in their own Pokémon Ranger anime special and feature film, respectively, and appearing in virtually every set of games after the generation in which they were originally introduced (Riolu was available early on in Black 2 and White 2 as well as X and Y, while found post-game on Poni Island in Sun and Moon). Whereas the two parts of "Pokémon Ranger and the Kidnapped Riolu" are merely regarded as the 71st and 72nd episodes of the Diamond and Pearl saga of the anime series as a whole, the movie Pokémon: Lucario and the Mystery of Mew became a favorite of many Pokémon fans. In fact, said movie is probably the reason why Lucario has become the favorite Pokémon of approximately 99% of the fandom and is still enjoying an excessive amount of popularity. In X and Y, it was even given away mid-game by Gym Leader Korrina, holding a Lucarionite that could be used instantly.

Lucario in Super Smash Bros., invoking its
aura-manipulating powers in an offensive manner.

And why shouldn't Lucario enjoy such popularity? I'm kind of a Lucario fanboy myself and this Pokémon - more specifically, its Mega - was probably at the basis of my recent love for steel types after I used it in my very first Pokémon X playthrough. Admittedly, Luxray pulls off the black-and-blue color scheme much better than Lucario, and the more vivid yellow color in Luxray's design looks much better than the pale beige-yellow color in Lucario's, but it is indisputably a very cool Pokémon. Mega Lucario is even cooler, especially because the tan-colored fur blends in perfectly with the rest of design and thus feels less out of place than on regular Lucario, and the red color and black veins give it a more menacing look. Perhaps the best thing about it are its origins, giving it a legendary feel despite not even being a pseudo-legendary. Its name even gets the Pikachu treatment, as it's the same all over the world, indicating that Game Freak sort of want to make Lucario the unofficial second mascot of the franchise. Lucario's name may be derived from the reverse of the Japanese transliteration of 'orichalcum', which is a mythical metal mentioned in several ancient writings. Also called aurichalcum, this element is believed to have been a noble metal like platinum, second only to gold in value, and is probably the reason why Lucario is part steel type. In numismatics, orichalcum is the golden-colored bronze alloy used by the Roman Empire for their sestertius and dupondius coins, which is probably where Riolu and Lucario's shinies come from. It's a nice little touch, although orichalcum is not the only thing to be the inspiration for Lucario's name; words like 'oracle', 'Cairo', 'pharaoh', luchar (Spanish for 'fight') and lucarius (Latin for 'one of light' or 'luminary', probably referring to Lucario's supernatural abilities involving aura) may have been apparent derivations and fit its design, origins and flavor perfectly.

Amazing fan art of Lucario Mega-evolving.

Another reason for Lucario's popularity, even if its design is disliked by people, is its versatility in the competitive scene. It's not a very defensive Pokémon, but it is powerful on the physical as well as the special side of the offensive spectrum, and it is pretty fast to boot. There are definitely quite some faster Pokémon than Lucario, so it's not going to outspeed things left and right, but it's very easy to work with stats like Lucario's. Damn, it learns Nasty Plot and Swords Dance, and it has a crazy diverse movepool on both sides of the spectrum, so you are spoiled for choice. It even has two STAB priority moves in Vacuum Wave (fighting type, special-based) and Bullet Punch (steel type, physical-based), so you'll be sure to move first a lot of the time, unless a faster Pokémon also uses a priority move. Just keep in mind a Jolly or Adamant nature is best for it on a physical set, a Timid or Modest nature is more beneficial to it on a special set, and a Hasty or Naive (or perhaps Rash, Mild, Lonely or Naughty) nature is preferable if you insist on running a mixed set. You can give Lucario a Focus Sash to live a hit from full HP if the move would have knocked it out otherwise, a Life Orb to give its attacks some extra oomph on top of its Nasty Plot or Swords Dance boost, a Choice item to instantly make it faster or stronger at the cost of letting it use only one move until it is switched out, or even the Lucarionite to let it Mega-evolve.

Just keep in mind that Smogon banned Mega Lucario to the Uber tier because of the boosts in its attack, special attack and speed upon Mega-evolving as well as its unpredictability. On top of that, Mega Lucario has the Adaptability ability, which lets STAB moves now do double damage rather than 1.5 times. It's a step up from regular Lucario's abilities Steadfast, Inner Focus and Justified (the latter of which is the best one due to the attack boost Lucario gets when hit by a dark-type move) and just too powerful to be used in one of Smogon's regular tiers.

Originally a wallpaper of Lucario being a total badass. 

Oh Lucario, you'll never cease to be thrusted into the limelight by Nintendo and Game Freak, and I honestly don't give a flying fuck about that. Lucario is a cool Pokémon and it's not hard to understand why it's so loved by at least half the fanbase. After all the praise for this Pokémon, you people will probably know by now what rating I'm going to give it, right?

Right.

Rating: 5/5

#443 - #445: Gible, Gabite & Garchomp

Let's put out a few reviews before Pokémon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon drop, shall we?

Stubby little Gible in TCG.

For the basic form of a pseudo-legendary Pokémon, Gible is available fairly early on in Diamond, Pearl and Platinum, found in the secret section of Wayward Cave after obtaining Strength as well as the Mine Badge. In comparison, Dratini was hard to obtain because it is found in the fucking Safari Zone or in the Rocket Game Corner for a shitload of coins, Larvitar couldn't be encountered until after you had finished the entire Kanto post-game in Gold and Silver, Bagon couldn't be caught in Meteor Falls until after you had gotten Waterfall and the Rain Badge from the eighth and last Gym Leader, and Steven left a Poké Ball with a Beldum for you to snatch at his house only after beating him in the Pokémon League. In addition, Deino (Black and White) and Jangmo-o (Sun and Moon) are found in Victory Road and Vast Poni Canyon, respectively, which is nearly at the end of the main story. Only Goomy is found before the sixth Gym in Pokémon X and Y, but Goodra might well be my least favorite pseudo-legend in existence, so I'm not overly excited about that fact. It's a good Pokémon, but still...

Regular Gabite (left) with its shiny form (right).

Gible is a little shark-like dragon-type Pokémon, with the secondary ground typing and a pair of horns comparable to jet engines to boot. Basically it's just a shark - more specifically a hammerhead shark - adapted to deserts, which is... well, we've seen weirder things from Game Freak, so I'll buy it. Moreover, its design kind of makes sense, as Gible and its evolutions may be a reference to the book After Man: A Zoology of the Future, the first of Dougal Dixon's speculative evolution series, in which one species is mentioned as a type of land shark that lives in desert regions. Additionally, there's also a land shark creature called a bulette (pronounced 'byoo-lay') to be found in the tabletop RPG Dungeons & Dragons. Desert sharks, huh? Pretty clever, to incorporate this idea into the Pokémon franchise. However, when it comes to its flavor text, Gible is nothing special: it likes to dig holes for homes in caverns, play-fight with others of its species, huddle close with others of its species if it gets too cold, bite enemies with its strong jaws or pounce on them forcefully while hurting itself because of its clumsiness, etc. The only interesting thing to say about Gible is that it once lived in the tropics and now lives in caves warmed by geothermal heat to avoid the cold. I really can't see Gible and its evolutions surviving in the tropics, because I imagine the humid environment would have made them very uncomfortable due to their ground typing. Or maybe they were once aquatic sharks - not 'land sharks', as the Pokédex insists - and had to adapt because they were forced to find another habitat? That makes more sense; I guess they're the original Alola Formes, ha ha ha.

I'll let myself out in a minute.

Awesome realistic fan art of Garchomp! When it folds up its body and extends its
fins/wings, it looks exactly like a jet plane and is able to fly at the speed of sound,
creating blades of wings that can fell trees and swallowing whole flocks of birds
while it's at it. In my opinion, the artist perfectly put the emphasis on this aspect of
Garchomp!

For now, allow me to continue and let me move on to Gible's evolution Gabite, whose scales apparently have medicinal properties and can heal most illnesses. What's more, the Gabite Scale is an actual item in the Gen. IV Mystery Dungeon games Explorers of Time, Explorers of Darkness and Explorers of Sky and these scales are stated to be a cure-all for all afflictions in a Mystery Dungeon anime special, however incurable these ilnesses may seem. Also, Gabite loves sparkly things and habitually digs up and hoards gems, resulting in its nest constantly being targeted by thieves. Gabite is so obsessed with its loot, in fact, that it can have its gaze fixed on the jewels it has amassed - or Carbink it has caught - for hours on end. It's an unhealthy obsession and I think Gabite should see a Pokémon psychiatrist. Just sayin'.

Also, want more proof that Gible, Gabite and Garchomp are based on sharks? Gabite's French name Carmache is derived from two possible shark genera, namely carcharias and carcharodon.

Garchomp in the Pokémon Adventures manga series (left) and Pokkén Tournament (right). 

However, Gible and Gabite are nothing compared to the almighty Garchomp. Seriously, anyone who has ever faced Cynthia's Garchomp must have lost at least one team member to it. The first time I played Pokémon Diamond I let my Empoleon stay in, thinking it could either outspeed or live any attack from Garchomp and strike back with an Ice Beam. I have never been more wrong in my life. That Garchomp is one of the reasons why Cynthia is considered one of the hardest Champions to take down, along with the fact that her team is just crazy diverse - in her Pokémon's typings as well as their movesets.

Mega Garchomp whipping up a sandstorm. In its Mega form,
Garchomp is known to become mad with rage, and in its anger
it slices the ground to pieces with its scythe-like blades, created
by the claws and fins melting and morphing together due to the
excessive energy released when it Mega-evolves. 

However, Garchomp isn't just the cherry on top; it's the entire fucking cake. Being a pseudo-legendary, it has good base values in all of its stats, most notably its attack and speed. That's why a Swords Dance set (for some reason, Game Freak did not give it access to Dragon Dance; I guess they were scared that would be too broken) supported by a Jolly nature is the most common set run on Garchomp: raise its attack by two stages and fire away with Dragon Claw, Earthquake and Fire Fang. While Dragon Claw is more accessible than Outrage, you could still go all out with the latter and switch out Garchomp once it gets confused. Also, Fire Fang isn't mandatory, as it also has access to some neat coverage moves such as Iron Head, Stone Edge, Rock Slide, Poison Jab, Brick Break and Aqua Tail. And while Garchomp's special attack is still only 80, Fire Blast is often used instead of Fire Fang because it is more effective against physical walls like Skarmory or Pokémon that like to rely on chip damage such as Ferrothorn, just to name a few - although it has to be said that Garchomp also likes to rely on chip damage with its ability Rough Skin. To finish the set, there is a plethora of items you could give Garchomp: Life Orb gives some extra oomph to its attacking moves, Dragonium Z or Groundium Z let it perform a powerful Z-Move that will probably blow the opposing Pokémon out of the water, the Garchompite lets it Mega-evolve, and the Choice Band and Choice Scarf are excellent items that work well on movesets that only consist of attacking moves. Leftovers is an option, but only if you have a slightly defensive Garchomp rocking Stealth Rock - which, by the way, is not an uncommon option, either.

Gible trying to... eat my precious little Shuckle? GIBLE, SHAME ON YOU!!!
Fortunately, Shuckle is showing the crowd (and Gible) who's da shit.

Garchomp is terrifying and I wouldn't like to meet it in real life. It's a cool Pokémon and aside from the weird-looking square jaw on Mega Garchomp I won't criticize it; it's just not one of my favorite Pokémon. And there are still a lot of 5-star ratings coming up in the next couple of years. I'm not a fan of pseudo-legends in the first place - especially not Dragonite when compared to its pre-evolution Dragonair - and Garchomp is not an exception. However, the only thing that really bugs me about it is its flavor text: Garchomp's Pokédex entries mention that Garchomp can fly at Mach speed (hence its classification as the 'Mach Pokémon'), yet it cannot learn Fly. Great consistency there, Game Freak. Sublime.

Rating: 4.5/5

#427 - #428: Buneary & Lopunny

Now these are some inappropriate bunnies...

Before I dive into some serious Hugh Hefner type of shit, let me get Buneary out of the way. This adorable little bunny is nothing but an adorable little bunny being an adorable little bunny. The only interesting thing about it is that it is capable of delivering powerful blows that can shatter boulders with its rolled-up ears, which I'm sure Diggersby can do much better than Buneary. There's literally nothing else to say about this thing other than its sleeping, eating and survival habits - again, it perks up its ears when it senses danger. I never knew Buneary's name made so much sense, but it's a true eye-opener (!).

Buneary in the anime, striking a pose I don't particularly perceive as 'cute'...

Seriously though, it is Lopunny where things get interesting, with it seemingly being a caricature of a Playboy Bunny - a waitress at a Playboy Club wearing a costume inspired by and matching the official logo and mascot of the monthly men's lifestyle magazine Playboy, consisting of a strapless corset teddy, satin bunny ears, black pantyhose, cuffs, a bow tie, a collar and a fluffy cottontail. We all know that Hugh Hefner, who passed away last month, intended for them to look sexy, sensual and promiscuous, even though they aren't allowed to touch the patrons of a Playboy Club and vice versa. However, the association of Playboy Bunnies with Playboy, notorious for its vast array of nude photos every month, is undeniable. So here we have Lopunny, a Pokémon based on the logo/mascot of a flagship American lifestyle magazine (special nation-specific versions are published worldwide), which contains adult content on a monthly basis and played an important part in the sexual revolution occurring from the 1960s to the 1980s.

Official art of Lopunny, drawn by none other than Ken Sugimori.
I tried looking for normal fan art of this thing, but that was hard
because it being based on a Playboy Bunny obviously begs for
Rule 34 to be applied. 

The worst part of this is that Buneary evolves into Lopunny when leveled up with high friendship, something that doesn't seem quite as equivocal in, say, Riolu and Lucario's case. The fact that we're talking about what's essentially a children's game makes the ambiguity that much more cringeworthy. Sure, the costume is still popular in Japan, where it has lost much of its association with Playboy and is commonly featured in manga and anime - which could explain Lopunny's coquettish cry and girlish figure - but to Americans and people from many other Western countries, the 'bunny suit' will forever be quintessential of the sexual image Playboy perpetuates. Of course, Lopunny is not based on a mere costume. This Pokémon is based on actual bunnies called lop-eared rabbits, domestic breeds with ears that flop over rather than stand erect. The inspiration for Lopunny's design comes specifically from the ears of the Holland Lop, but other than that the similarities are few and far between. I have a problem with the term 'Holland Lop', however, so allow me to use this transition as an opportunity to tell you that I absolutely hate it when people use the word 'Holland' in such a colloquial manner in so many languages (including my own), with people exclaiming that they've been to Holland when they refer to the country as a whole. Interestingly, my country isn't called Holland; it's called the Netherlands, and Holland consists of only two of twelve Dutch provinces, being North Holland and South Holland.

Well, the more you know...

Stat-wise, Lopunny isn't anything special, having mediocre or only decent stats across the board aside from its speed. Because it has Klutz, an ability that prevents the effects of held items from applying, people teach it Switcheroo so that it can transfer a harmful held item like a Sticky Barb or Flame Orb to the foe in exchange for the foe's own held item. Other than that, it is better to just let Lopunny hold a Lopunnite and Mega-evolve it. Trust me, it's for the best, because its base 76 attack stat becomes a hefty base 136 now, while its already good speed stat also gets a boost and ends up at a base 135. In short, Mega Lopunny is a hit-and-run Pokémon that's supposed to hit hard and fast, and that shouldn't be a problem with a nature such as a Jolly one and moves such as Return and High Jump Kick. Those two moves are the staples of its moveset, with High Jump Kick even providing STAB because Mega Lopunny is a normal/fighting type (regular Lopunny is just a normal type), while Fake Out is an excellent opener and Ice Punch is a great type coverage move. It learns Drain Punch and Power-Up Punch in case you prefer the respective healing and attack-boosting aspects of those moves over the chance of crash damage from High Jump Kick, while other coverage moves such as Iron Tail, Thunder Punch and Fire Punch could come in handy depending on which Pokémon you're facing. Don't bother with special moves, because Lopunny's base special attack is a terrible 54 even as its Mega form.

D'awww, bunny love!

While I think a fighting Playboy Bunny is kind of amusing and Mega Lopunny's design - which may have been inspired by 1980s-styled aerobics outfits - is pretty dope, I can't help but to think this Pokémon shouldn't have existed in the first place. If Pokémon had been an American franchise, I wouldn't have been writing about this thing right now; and let's face it, a creature based on mature content in a children's franchise is kind of stretching it a little bit. Of course, most kids are oblivious to all of this bullshit, so in the end it doesn't even matter, but there are a lot of adults who have been playing Pokémon since they were kids and have come to know Lopunny's origins the hard way. It's not as if you can say there aren't any adults who are amused by it, but you have to admit that a lot of people think Hugh Hefner was a misogynist asshole objectifying women by means of his Playboy magazine, Playboy Clubs, Playboy Bunnies, Playboy jet (dubbed "Big Bunny"), Playboy Mansion and lavish Playboy parties and what have you, so a Pokémon based on all of that won't sit well with those people.

And all of the children who easily have access to Bulbapedia now, you ask? Well, what can I say? The Internet is a bitch.

Also, Lopunny's flavor text is absolutely bland: it's a cautious Pokémon and it starts kicking if its delicate ears are touched roughly, which is about all there is to say about it. I wanted to include this bit a little earlier on in this review, but there was a lot to talk about and I couldn't find a proper way to fit it in, so I'm mentioning it now. To conclude, I'm giving this Pokémon 4.5 stars, but only because I think its Mega is lit.

Rating: 4.5/5

#384: Rayquaza

I have no idea whether this piece of art is actually official, but
Rayquaza sure as hell looks savage here.

Oh man, I don't even know where to start with this one. There is a whole lot to be said about Rayquaza and the majority of that is dedicated to how fucking awesome this goddamn thing actually is. I mean, if you manage to break up Groudon and Kyogre's apocalyptic confrontation just by showing up and roar a little, as was demonstrated in Pokémon Emerald, you deserve respect. It was literally all Rayquaza had to do, meaning Groudon and Kyogre are probably scared shitless of this guy. And let's be honest here: Rayquaza looks like a wise old dragon with a certain degree of authority over its minions, while managing to maintain a look that says it will show you no mercy. Its Mega is even worse, mind you - or better, in this case, as all of the additional horns, orbs and glowing tendrils actually give it more grace, beauty and an air of importance, power and might. That's a difficult feat to pull off when too many additional doodads on stronger forms of certain Pokémon such as fusions and Mega evolutions are sometimes regarded as redundant or occasionally make them look overdesigned. White and Black Kyurem are good examples of that, but Zoptimus Prygarde probably takes the cake. I love the Transformers movies, and I have fond memories of the times when I still enjoyed Power Rangers, but creating a Pokémon that looks like an Autobot or a Megazord is really pushing it a bit, Game Freak. And remember when I talked about Mega Venusaur's butt flower way back when? Yeah, I already regret bringing that up again...

Fortunately, no such fate has befallen Rayquaza, and it so happens this thing is the one I'm actually talking about, so it's no use to keep lingering in such negativity.

I used a GIF of Kyogre from the same artist over a week ago, just because I think
this guy's style is just so freaking awesome! 

Rayquaza's origins lie in the Hebrew legend of Ziz, the unconquerable primal master of the sky, as opposed to Leviathan being the primal master of the sea and Behemoth being the primal master of the land. While Rayquaza has significant dominance over Kyogre and Groudon and is able to break them up when they're fighting, Ziz seems to be an equal of Leviathan and Behemoth rather than their 'master', meaning Game Freak and Nintendo have shown some imagination in favor of Emerald's storyline. In fact, Rayquaza's signature ability Air Lock eliminates the effect of weather conditions, and back in the day that rendered Kyogre's ability Drizzle and Groudon's ability Drought completely useless. But Ziz is also often depicted as a giant griffin-like bird, which Rayquaza definitely has nothing to do with, and this means it is most probably inspired by other mythical creatures aside from just Ziz. Looking at its dragon typing, it may well be based on the lindwyrm, in British heraldry a two-limbed and wingless dragon with a serpentine body. The word is actually a cognate, deriving from the Norwegian linnorm, the German Lindwurm and the Swedish lindorm (all meaning 'dragon'), as well as the Danish lindorm ('serpent'). It's a little confusing, because in Norwegian heraldry the lindorm also exist, but rather than a serpent or a dragon in general it's actually the same as a wyvern is in British heraldry.

Mega Rayquaza hanging around in what is apparently the
stratosphere.

Not that any of this can be found in Rayquaza's name. It is probably a reference to raqiya, the Hebrew word for 'firmament', which in biblical cosmology is the structure above the atmosphere, conceived as a vast solid dome. Speaking of which, Rayquaza's Japanese name is the same as in most other languages and the word combination of retsu ('violent' or 'furious'), kū ('sky') and za ('seat' or 'location') can be taken to mean "one that sits in the ferocious heavens". Being a dragon/flying type, it makes sense; however, it's most likely a reference to Rayquaza being able to live in the ozone layer for hundreds of millions of years, where it feeds on water and meteoroids. This is actively demonstrated in Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire's Delta Episode, a post-game episode in which it's your objective to prevent a meteorite from colliding with Earth. In order to do so, a character called Zinnia (who's a bitch, by the way) summons Rayquaza and tries to pursuade it to Mega-evolve using an organ inside its body filled with energy from the meteoroids it eats as it flies through the stratosphere. Hence why Zinnia stole all of the Key Stones she could find. The energy stored within this organ is practically nonexistent at that point, however, which is why it devours the Meteorite the player character had obtained and safely stored in its bag after their encounter with Team Magma/Team Aqua at Mt. Chimney earlier in the game. A battle with Rayquaza ensues, and you have to catch it in order to make a trip to space on Mega Rayquaza's back and destroy the meteorite threatening Earth.

And hidden within that meteorite is... well, I'll talk about that when I get to the last Pokémon in the Hoenn Pokédex.

Don't fuck with Mega Rayquaza, because it'll screw you over big time.

Alternatively, Rayquaza's name could be a combination of 'ray' (a term in geometry of which I don't understand the definition at all) and 'quasar'. The latter is an abbreviation of 'quasi-stellar object', an active galactic nucleus - called that way because it occurs in the center of a galaxy - consisting of a supermassive black hole surrounded by an orbiting disk of gas. Quasars have a very high luminosity - the total amount of energy emitted by stars, galaxies or other astronomical objects per unit time - and because they were first identified as sources of radio-wave emission and resembled point-like stars in photographic images at visible wavelengths, the term 'quasar' originated as a contraction of 'quasi-stellar radio source'. It's not as if any of this doesn't make a lick of sense, and Rayquaza is very powerful in its own merits, but I doubt it can be considered the center of a galaxy or something like that. Space always kind of intrigued me as a child, so it's still cool to learn about all this stuff.

A shiny Rayquaza in Pokémon the Movie: Hoopa and the Clash of Ages.

Again, like I did with Kyogre and Groudon, I will omit Rayquaza's competitive capabilities from this article - that is to say, you won't see any suggestions for possible movesets here. I mean, you can just slap any move on it and wreak havoc, especially in Mega Rayquaza's case: because it doesn't require a Mega Stone for you to Mega-evolve Rayquaza, Mega Rayquaza can hold something else, like a Choice Band or a Life Orb or any other item that either increases its attacking stats or strengthens its moves. Therefore, it was even banned from Smogon's Uber tier, being the only Pokémon to date to have been banned from being used in a competitive setting within Smogon and Pokémon Showdown at all. That's how strong it really is, especially when you consider its ability Delta Stream eliminates all weaknesses it would otherwise have had as a flying-type (because it's a dragon type, it is still normally weak to ice, but this makes electric-type moves not very effective now) and prevents all kinds of weather from taking effect apart from the Desolate Land and Primordial Sea abilities.

I already thought Rayquaza was a very cool Pokémon, but I've really taken a liking to it when its Mega evolution was revealed. It's one of the most most well-designed Megas out there; so beautiful, so elegant, so powerful. And damn, its shiny. Black shiny Pokémon are almost always some of the best shinies out there, and Rayquaza is absolutely no exception. Everything summarized, Rayquaza's design, flavor and origins are just so awesome I'm giving it a perfect rating.

Rating: 5/5

#380 - #381: Latias & Latios

Latias (left) and Latios (right) as they appear in the manga
series.

I seriously considered rating Latias and Latios separately, but like with Plusle and Minun, they don't differ an awful lot from each other: they're both known as the 'Eon Pokémon', their stats are practically the same aside from some minor differences, their Mega evolutions look almost exactly the same, both only have one possible gender (Latias is female, while Latios can only be male), and they're each other's version counterparts. Heck, even their characteristics aren't that much different if I have to believe their Super Smash Bros. flavor texts. Both Latias and Latios become super aerodynamic when tucking their arms in, allowing them to fly faster than fighter jets; both use telepathy to communicate with others and detect their locations, emotions and intentions; both use the light-bending trait of their glass-like down coats to make themselves invisible when sensing the presence of a human or an enemy, as they tend to be pacifists; and both are intelligent beings that can understand human speech, even though this applies to all Pokémon to some extent. The only difference is that Latias is a delicate little snowflake sometimes (which is by no means meant to be derogatory on my part), as it is prone to crying shrilly to scare off foes when it experiences hostility towards it, while Latios has the ability to make its foe see an image of what it has seen or imagines in its head.

Some nice-ass piece of fan art.

In fact, it is able to share what it's seeing with Latias as well as with other Pokémon and humans, while Latias is able to share what Latios is seeing with other beings as well. This was only demonstrated in the fifth movie Pokémon Heroes: Latios & Latias, but I thought it was still worth mentioning. Also worth mentioning is the plot of this very movie, in which the Soul Dew, a special jewel that houses the soul of Latias and Latios's ancestor who once saved the city of Alto Mare from an evil Trainer, is sought by a female Team Rocket duo of Annie and Oakley - whose names are totally not a reference to the American exhibition sharpshooter Annie Oakley, by the way. Like, at all. In any case, the Soul Dew acts as a key for activating the Defense Mechanism of Alto Mare - or DMA for short - and once Annie and Oakley manage to get hold of the jewel and capture Latios, using both to control the DMA, they revive the fossils of the evil Trainer's Kabutops and Aerodactyl in order for them to find Latias. Aside from the fact that they look as undead as the rotten walker in the well on Hershel's farm (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little), the big chase that ensues through the canals of Venice - pardon me, Alto Mare - fails for Team Rocket, and Ash and his friends manage to free Latios from a DMA gone berserk. They also obtain the Soul Dew, but the damn thing turns black and vanishes the moment Annie tries to take it back. The waters of Alto Mare become one giant tsunami, which Latias and Latios try to stop with their psychic powers, but Latios is already weakened and it makes the ultimate sacrifice in order to save Latias and the rest of the city, becoming a new Soul Dew and the guardian of Alto Mare once the tsunami dies down.

Latios (right) reaching out to Latias (left) seconds before its death in Pokémon
Heroes: Latios & Latias.

If I included a poll with the saddest deaths in Pokémon, I have no doubt Latios's death would get the most votes. Maybe I'm callous, but I never cried when I saw this movie. I don't easily cry in the first place; you could show me the most tragic love story of all time and I still wouldn't bawl my eyes out, and I honestly think a movie is not worth spilling your tears over. Especially not an animated movie, since it's all... you know, fake.

Finally, Latios's Pokédex entry mentions that it only shows itself before and opens its heart to Trainers with a compassionate spirit, which brings us to Ash Ketchum. You can say what you want about him; he may be dense and highly incompetent at times, but he deeply cares about his Pokémon and always considers them his friends rather than straight-up battle tools, which is very commendable.

Mega Latios (left) and Mega Latias (right). Blue and red make
purple, so I guess these Megas aren't entirely illogical, but I still
think they're dumb and I tremendously dislike them. Ken
Sugimori must have really had an artist's block when he drew
these, goddamn. Literally the only way to distinguish these
Megas are the color of their eyes, otherwise they're basically the
same Pokémon. 

In the games, however, that's exactly what Latias and Latios are: battle tools. Earlier on in this post I've mentioned their similar stats, both having decent base 80 HP and excellent 110 speed. With base 80 attack, 90 defense, 110 special attack and 130 special defense, Latias tends to be more defensive than offensive, while Latios's attack and defense as well as its special attack and special defense are switched around. Despite that, both Latis are primarily used offensively, although Latias tends to be used more as an offensive support Pokémon with moves like Reflect Type, Defog, Healing Wish and Thunder Wave (not necessarily all of them on one particular moveset) along with a couple of offensive moves. However, its Mega allows it to go completely berserk, as its special attack and special defense are now a solid base 140 and 150, respectively, and Calm Mind boosts each of these stats by one stage every time it is used. Set up once or twice and go all out, that's my advice. That goes especially for Mega Latios, whose special attack is now 160 and becomes as destructive and indestructible as Mega Latias once it's set up. But not only does Mega Latios hit harder than Mega Latias, regular Latios is also stronger than regular Latias, and at exactly the same speed as well. That is why many people like to rock out with a regular Latios holding something else than a Mega Stone, such as a Choice Scarf, Life Orb, Soul Dew (yes, this is also an in-game item; it boosts Latias and Latios's special attack and special defense by 50%, but it was banned from regular tiers and now it can only be used in the Uber tier) or the Choice Specs.

Latias and Latios soaring under a starry sky. Beautiful fan art, i.m.o. 

You don't even have to worry about what ability you want, because both the regular and the Mega Latis come with Levitate, which gives them an immunity to all ground-type moves. Their nature should be Timid at all times, so that you can outspeed a good portion of the metagame, although a Modest nature could be run on Latios - Mega or no - to add a little bit more oomph to its attacking moves. And while there are a couple of differences in the level-up movepools of both Latias and Latios (Latias gets Healing Wish instead of Memento, Guard Split rather than Power Split, Mist Ball instead of Luster Purge, Charm in lieu of Dragon Dance, etc.), they basically learn the same offensive moves: Psychic, Draco Meteor, Psyshock, Surf, Ice Beam, Dragon Pulse, Thunderbolt, Hidden Power, Shadow Ball, Energy Ball... you name it. In short, there's no shortage of coverage moves to choose from - or healing moves, for that matter, because they can both learn Roost and Recover. Having both on the same moveset is of course redundant, but it's a nice thing you have a choice.

Latias and Latios racing across the water with the city skyline behind them. 

Aside from their Megas, though, there is one thing I don't partcularly like about them, which is their religious origin. Latias and Latios are based upon the aeons in Gnosticism, immaterial beings of concepts existing in pairs of males and females emanated from God and one another, hence their classification as the 'Eon Pokémon'. That's... fine, I guess? I don't believe in God and I don't think I entirely understand the concept of aeons, so that makes Latias and Latios's origin story a bit more confusing to me. I guess it could be a nice concept for someone who's into this nonsense, but I guess I'm going to rate Latias and Latios based on their designs and competitive utility, which are more than okay. I can't say either belongs on my favorites list, but at least neither will miss out on a good rating.

Rating: 4/5

#374 - #376: Beldum, Metang & Metagross

Beldum emerging from its Heavy Ball, a ball used
for catching heavier Pokémon.

Okay, now we're talking pseudo-legendaries. Metagross is actually one of only two I absolutely adore (the other one being Hydreigon), which should not be surprising to you in the least, because Metagross is a badass-looking steel-type Pokémon and y'all probably know by now that steel is my favorite of all 18 types.

Like all other pseudos, however, Matagross has to go through its infant stage, and that's exactly the right way to describe Beldum. You'll have to baby it in order for it to evolve, because literally the only move it learns by level-up is Take Down, which isn't even a STAB move and does recoil damage in return. That's not to say there isn't anything noteworthy to say about Beldum; on the contrary, really, bacause its flavor is far more interesting than its generational pseudo-legendary counterpart Bagon. Despite being a mechanical creature, this little dumbbell Pokémon - although its appearance is more reminiscent of some kind of surveillance camera, which is only strengthened by its trait of using the claws on its rear end to anchor itself to walls or ceilings in order to get some rest - still has emotions, the need to eat and sleep, and a way of reproducing. Its body lacks blood, however, and it is instead powered by magnetism: by emitting magnetic waves to repel the Earth's magnetic field, it is able to levitate (it doesn't have access to the ability with the same name, though), and it uses magnetism to move, communicate, hunt and control its attacks. Well, the only attack that it has, that is, unless you have an event shiny Beldum with moves like Iron Head and Zen Headbutt.

Metang's arms are rotated backwards when traveling, so that it
can reach speeds of over 60 miles per hour. 

Fortunately, you won't have to put up with Beldum for too long, as it evolves into Metang at level 20, the earliest of any pseudo-legendary basic stage. Metang is said to form when two Beldum merge, but there is no visible evidence of that - much like with Magneton. In any case, the brains of the fused Beldum are joined by a magnetic nervous system, allowing Metang to generate strong psychokinetic power and enhance its intelligence. Furthermore, its steel body is so strong that even a collision with a jet - as it's still able to hover in mid-air using magnetism - won't leave a scratch on it. But however clever Metang may be, this thing ain't got nothing on its evolution Metagross: whereas Metang is the result of two Beldum fusing together, Metagross is the result of two Metang fusing together, leaving Metagross with a total of four brains. These brains are all connected by a complex network of neurons, which makes Metagross capable of breezing through difficult calculations that it uses to analyze its opponents during battles. In short, Metagross is more intelligent than a supercomputer. How awesome is that?

Steven Stone is a collector of rare minerals and gemstones, so I
like the more 'natural' approach of Metagross here. 

Why, 12-year-old me definitely didn't think much of it. In fact, for the longest time I thought most of the Hoenn Pokémon were the worst, just because the creators had deviated from the 'basic' designs we'd come to know and love so much - at least in my opinion. Game Freak went way overboard with the designs for the Hoenn Pokémon, partly due to Gen. III being the first generation in which everybody at the company was able to submit their own ideas for new Pokémon, if I remember correctly. A lot of players took a dislike to these outlandish new Pokémon designs, and I wasn't an exception. I just dashed through the game with my starter and Kyogre, and that was it. That's what I did when starting a new adventure, anyway; it wasn't until Diamond and Pearl that I started creating balanced teams of six Pokémon. Hence, I never paid much attention to Metagross and its pre-evolutions. They looked too robotic and inorganic to my taste, so Metagross actually only came to my attention when I caught a Metang in my Black 2 playthrough. I evolved it, of course, and it literally fucked people up. Since then, I have come to appreciate Metagross a whole lot more, battle-wise as well as design-wise, and now it is actually very high up on my list of favorite Pokémon. And rightfully so, because who wouldn't want a hyperintelligent mechanical arachnid to command around, right? It's better to get this thing on your side in the first place, because you wouldn't want to be hunted down by this thing: it uses its extremely heavy body (at 1,212 pounds, Metagross is heavier than your average Snorlax, yo) to pin down its prey and then eats the helpless victim using the large mouth on its stomach. Being eaten alive by a supercomputer... that's one of the most inglorious ways to go down, if you ask me.

Badass Metagross is badass.

Guess who my favorite Pokémon League
character is?

The best thing about it is that this thing has a Mega evolution, despite its bullshit Pokédex entry from Sun stating that this Mega form 'results from one Metagross, one Metang and two Beldum linking up'. Yeah, right. At least Metagross gets even more badass by tucking away its legs to the back and creating a set of four giant arms with which it can fuck opponents up, so that's a plus. And with an attack stat of 145, the Tough Claws ability, a great psysical movepool, great defenses and a great defensive typing, Mega Metagross is indeed hard to take down. And because you won't retain the speed stat of the regular form in the turn you Mega-evolve your Pokémon anymore, like in Gen. VI, Mega Metagross has become dangerous to such an extent that it was immediately banned to Smogon's Uber tier. With no quadruple weaknesses and only its base 80 HP not exceeding 100 base points (it has base 145 attack, 150 defense, 105 special attack, 110 special defense and 110 speed), Mega Metagross matches a lot of legendary Pokémon in bulk and power. It suffers from the notorious four-moveslot syndrome, which means you won't be able to choose only four moves it can carry; its movepool is just that good. Meteor Mash and Zen Headbutt are excellent STAB moves, while Earthquake, Thunder Punch, Ice Punch, Hammer Arm, Rock Slide, Bullet Punch and Pursuit are all great options to consider filling the final two slots with. The only downside is that Metagross, and by extension Mega Metagross, doesn't have access to any good stat-boosting moves like Swords Dance or Dragon Dance or something (they're just examples), aside from maybe Power-Up Punch, which is a relatively weak non-STAB move and only boosts its attack by one stage each time it's used. Not worth it. You'll have to rely on Meteor Mash and pray the 20% chance of getting an attack boost comes through. And although its base 145 attack stat assures heavy damage output, it doesn't really help you'll need a Jolly nature in order to maximize Mega Metagross's speed stat and outspeed some of the legendary Pokémon in the tier.

Awesome Metagross is awesome.

In that regard, regular Metagross is better. Sure, its base 70 speed doesn't make it a fast Pokémon, but you can set up with Agility to make up for that if need be. And because it isn't very speedy in the first place, you can breed an Adamant nature onto it and let it hold a Life Orb or Choice Band, maximizing the damage output. You'll absolutely wreck house. And to hell with Intimidate users, because Clear Body prevents any stat reductions completely.

Like I said earlier, I absolutely adore this brutal-looking monstrosity now and I am so glad Game Freak decided to give it a Mega form, however overpowered it may be. I can't believe I didn't realize how badass Metagross actually is when I was just in my early teens, but I guess we've all come to get used to more extravagant and alien designs and have even started to really appreciate some of them. Let's face it, how fucking awesome does 'robot spider' sound?

Rating: 5/5