#278 - #279: Wingull & Pelipper

Ugh. Why does this thing exist, exactly?

Official art of Wingull by Ken Sugimori.

Wingull is probably more boring than Taillow is, and Pelipper isn't that much better. It goes without saying that, with wings like those, Wingull has trouble keeping said wings flapping in flight and instead of that it rides on updrafts rising from the sea as if it were a glider. I also think it is common knowledge that seagulls build their nests on steep cliffs nearby the ocean, among other things. So... meh. Whereas Wingull habitually hides prey and valuables in various locations, though, Pelipper has the tendency to carry eggs and small Pokémon around in its massive bill over long distances, bringing them to safety (the prey it scoops up from the sea is usually swallowed in one gulp). It likes to act like a buoy, bobbing in the ocean while it's resting its wings. Yeah... meh. At the end of the day, it comes down to the fact that Wingull and Pelipper are two mundane sea birds without any excessively distinctive characteristics, and their designs and flavor are just nothing short of unimaginative. On top of that, Pelipper is a bitch and a half to fight in-game. Any time I'm battling an AI opponent with a Pelipper, I find myself struggling with it, for it generally has either Supersonic or a combination of Protect and Stockpile. Even worse, Protect always seems to succeed twice or even three times in a row when used by Pelipper, wasting my time and PP and pissing me the fuck off. I haven't met a single person yet who didn't hate - or at least strongly dislike - the likes of Pelipper, and I can't imagine anyone would go and say, "Pelipper is my absolute favorite Pokémon." Like, no.

Also, Wingull is a seagull and Pelipper is a pelican. Alrighty, then.

Official art of Pelipper, also by Ken Sugimori. Drawing this
thing must have been one of his least 

And in a competitive setting? Personally, I wouldn't want to use Pelipper competitively, but for some reason it has some moderate bulk behind it. Its HP is pretty mediocre, but when it is maxed out it can back up Pelipper's excellent base 100 defense stat, especially when it has a defense-increasing nature (usually Bold). Although it is therefore used as a support Pokémon in order to remove entry hazards with Defog or try to inflict a burn on an opposing Pokémon with Scald, it cannot handle offensive pressure: any electric-type move will quickly do it in and special attacks will leave a huge dent in its health, which forces Pelipper to use Roost instead. This move does take away its flying typing for one subsequent turn, though, removing the weaknesses it has as a flying type and leaving it with only two single weaknesses to electric and grass, which may save its life. Speaking about lifesavers, U-Turn makes use of Pelipper's abominable attack stat, but it lets it get the hell off the goddamn battlefield while still doing a little bit of damage. If you can set up the rain, its hidden ability Rain Dish will heal a little bit of HP, which works very well with the Leftovers. You can even build an offensive moveset around Rain Dance, because its base 85 special attack is quite decent: Scald is boosted in the rain and still has a chance to burn the foe, while Hurricane's accuracy is buffed from 70% to 100% when the rain is up. Pelipper can also learn Ice Beam, which is a strong move almost every water type can learn, so it's a good way to complete your Pelipper's moveset. You can even let another of your Pokémon set up the rain and ditch Rain Dance for Roost, so you can keep Pelipper somewhat healthy. It's necessary, because an offensive moveset requires a Modest nature rather than a Bold one, which leaves Pelipper more vulnerable than you'd desire.

Look at this motherfucker. It's looking at me like, "I'm gonna annoy you to no end
and I'm gonna have goddamn fun doing that."

However, I don't even desire to own a fucking Pelipper in the first place. I hate this thing for everything it stands for: being a nasty little bitch who likes to stall me out for no apparent reason - and, while we're at it, break out of its goddamn Ultra Ball time and time again, even when its HP bar is in the fucking red. Seriously, why does it have a catch rate of only 45?

Fuck this thing. May its soul burn for eternity in the deepest pits of Hell.

P.S.: Have you heard its cry? Irksome.

Rating: 0.5/5

#439, #122: Mime Jr. & Mr. Mime

James from Team Rocket had a Mime Jr. from seasons 9 to 13. It
is probably using the move Attract in this image or something; I
don't even care. 

Oh my God, I hate clowns. And mimes. They're so fucking creepy.

And they just had to make Pokémon based off of them. Another goddamn baby Pokémon at that, too; like, you have got to be shitting me. As if Mr. Mime actually needed a pre-evolution. Just like any other baby Pokémon (barring Pichu, who can learn Volt Tackle trough breeding, and Togepi and Riolu, whom I consider basic forms rather than baby forms and who were introduced alongside their evolutions Togetic and Lucario in their respective generations), Mime Jr. serves absolutely no purpose other than being a Pokédex filler. Don't get me wrong; I actually like most baby Pokémon design-wise, but they're such pointless additions to the games from Ruby and Sapphire onwards. Breeding was introduced in Gold and Silver and I can live with the likes of Magby and Pichu and such, but baby Pokémon became redundant after that and Game Freak should have just focused on completely new, independent Pokémon not related to Pokémon that already existed and not on the latter's younger and weaker forms. Mime Jr. is one of those redundant babies, and it isn't even a good one in my opinion, because it just looks silly.

Papercraft Mime Jr. and Mr. Mime. NOW GO ON AND TELL ME
THAT MR. MIME ISN'T CREEPY, GODDAMMIT! 

But what is up with this mimicry thing of baby Pokémon in Gen. IV? I noticed that they always try to mimic one thing or another, whether it be their evolution (Happiny), other people or Pokémon (Mime Jr.) or even inanimate objects (Bonsly, whom I will write about when it's Sudowoodo's turn to show up here). Mime Jr. is doing nothing but clowning around, mimicking other people's expressions and motions to understand their feelings or imitating foes in order to create distractions and escape once they are confused. That is so typically a mime thing to do, and that is exactly why I hate those people. And I should prepare to get annoyed some more right now, because I am going on to Mr. Mime; and Mr. Mime (who actually has a 50/50 gender ratio despite its name) is a lot worse than its pre-evolution. Being an excellent pantomime, this Pokémon can solidify air molecules by vibrating its fingertips, creating actual invisible barriers. Don't disturb its act though, because it will slap you to hell and back when you do.

SEE? I KNEW MIMES WERE SECRETLY VIOLENT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Yes. Yes, this is exactly how I see Mr. Mime:
creepy as fuck.

All jokes aside, I'll acknowledge Mr. Mime's utility as a competitive battler. Although the psychic type has lost its appeal a little since the type got nerfed in Gold and Silver, Mr. Mime received a very useful typing in X and Y: fairy (don't ask me why this clown is a fairy type; I don't know and I honestly don't care, either). Unfortunately, its HP and defense aren't all that, but it makes that up with some decent speed and excellent special attack and special defense stats. Besides, it can reduce super-effective damage by ¼ with the Filter ability or it can prevent sound-based moves from having effect on it with the Soundproof ability. Furthermore, Mr. Mime has access to an ability called Technician, with which it can increase moves with a base power of 60 or less by 1.5. In Mr. Mime's case, this could potentially be applied to Confusion, Icy Wind, Shock Wave, Charge Beam, Confusion and Hidden Power, but it is generally better to run another moveset combined with one of the first two abilities I mentioned. Thunderbolt, Future Sight, Signal Beam, Shadow Ball, Psyshock, Energy Ball, Focus Blast, Dazzling Gleam and Psychic are viable options, but usually the last three moves are used. Occasionally, a status move like Nasty Plot (increases Mr. Mime's special attack by two stages) or Healing Wish (lets Mr. Mime faint, but fully heals the next Pokémon coming in) is thrown in for support or setting up. So, what about natures and items? Well, a Timid nature is the best option, but you could go for a Modest nature combined with a Choice Scarf. If that's not your cup of tea, the Choice Specs or a Life Orb are great options, as is an Assault Vest. That increases Mr. Mime's already high special defense by 50%, but only lets it use damaging moves.

Wow, this takes 'creepy' to a whole new level. I know Mr. Mime is exactly that, but
this is almost nightmarish...

Oh God, did I mention that I hate clowns? And mimes? Well, I do. And it's not that I think Mr. Mime is a bad Pokémon per se, but its design and flavor really don't appeal to me.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO' YOUR SHENANIGANS, BITCH!

Ugh, I think Mr. Mime is creepier than most Pokémon with so-called horror Pokédex entries such as Banette, Drifloon or Drowzee and Hypno (and those are only a few of them). I've developed a very, very strong dislike towards this Pokémon that is never ever gonna go away, and I don't think I want it to go away in the first place. I'll probably never hate it as much as I hate Lickilicky and Pelipper, but that won't stop me from giving this motherfucker only 0.5 stars, which is nothing to write home about...

Rating: 0.5/5

#108, #463: Lickitung & Lickilicky

Fan art of Lickitung.

Oh my God, no. No, no, NO! I do NOT want to review this Pokémon.

Sigh... I guess I'll have to, right? Goddammit, fuck this shit.

Okay, let's get this over with, shall we? I do not want to spend any more time on this monstrosity than absolutely necessary. To make a long story short, Lickitung is a disgusting Pokémon that uses its tongue for capturing prey, battling, cleaning its body, exploring its environment and gathering food. At 7 feet, Lickitung's tongue is almost twice as long as its body and possibly even connected to its tail, as it quivers when Lickitung extends its long, chameleon-like tongue. The tongue is dexterous and powerful enough to lift people. Lickitung remembers things by their texture and taste, but it apparently dislikes sour things. I'm pretty sure it won't like the taste of me then, even though I wouldn't want to be licked by that thing in the first place. I mean, do you know how much saliva Lickitung produces? Gross. Especially considering the fact that its saliva is sticky and causes you to get a tingling sensation. Ewww.

Official art of Lickilicky. God, do I hate this Pokémon. I hate it
with a burning passion...

Look, it's not that I have a problem with Lickitung per se, it's just that the atrocity that is called Lickilicky overshadows Lickitung's mediocrity. Lickilicky's design - is it based on a bloated gourmand or a puffy baby? - is so abominable and ridiculous that I hated it instantly when I first saw it, which is probably why all of a sudden I couldn't stand Lickitung either. My hate for Lickilicky has only intensified throughout the years and I doubt I'll ever get over it. Up to this day, it is my absolute least favorite Pokémon. To make matters even worse, Lickilicky's flavor (no pun intended) is even more disgusting than Lickitung's, as Lickilicky is a downright glutton and will lick anything or anyone close by for any leftover crumbs. Its tongue is always soggy with slobber and getting too close to it will leave you soaked with drool, which contains lots of components that can dissolve anything, and the numbness it causes will not dissipate. Hideous, ridiculous, disgusting and dangerous...? That is not a particularly good combination, even if I say so. Whoever thought that this evolution of Lickitung was a superb idea should be thrown out with the trash immediately, because the day that Lickilicky was created is a black day for Nintendo and Game Freak. A black day indeed.

Look at this fat-ass. I hate everything about it: the stupid curl on
its head, its round shape, its gluttonous attitude, its ridiculously
large tongue, the white patch on its chest that looks like a napkin,
that perfect WiFi signal on its belly, its stupid evolution method,
the dumb name, etc. etc. etc.

Do I even care about Lickilicky's competitive use? Well, there are people who do like this thing (although I don't know why you would like it) and want to use one (again, it's a mystery to me why the hell you'd even want to), so let's get started, shall we? Even I have to admit that Lickilicky isn't all that bad competitively, so my approach is to use one with an Adamant nature, the Own Tempo ability, a Choice Band as held item and EV investment in HP and attack. Own Tempo prevents it from getting confused, while the Choice Band boosts Lickilicky's decent attack stat by 50% but limits it to using just one move until you switch it out. With an excellent base HP stat of 110 and quite some good defenses, Lickilicky has some natural bulk behind it, so you might as well make use of that attack stat in my opinion. And quite frankly, Lickilicky learns some powerful and/or useful moves, such as Knock Off (knocks off the opponent's held item), Power Whip (a rare physical-based grass-type move), Earthquake, Brick Break, Rock Slide, Power-Up Punch (a weak move, but it raises Lickilicky's attack every time it is used), Dragon Tail (forces the opponent to switch out), the elemental punches, Aqua Tail, Hammer Arm, Iron Tail, Zen Headbutt, and even STAB Return. You're spoiled for choice.

Somehow Lickilicky looks so much better when you can't see its ugly face. Then
again, it's still a fat-ass. 

Some other approaches: a Life Orb Lickilicky with either Curse (lowers its already terrible speed even more, but raises its attack and defense by one stage each) or Swords Dance (raises its attack by two stages), or even a Leftovers Lickilicky with EV investment in HP and defense or special defense and the Wish/Protect/Heal Bell combo. The latter only works if you have one that is evolved from a 2004 special event Lickitung, so it's hard to obtain a legit one.

However, I really wouldn't want to obtain one in the first place, and I don't understand why anyone would, either. Fuck this Pokémon. Fuck this Pokémon so, so much. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, and fuck it again. Fuck it from behind, fuck it from the front, then fuck it sideways until you make it see stars. Make sure it gets a trauma from it. Ugh, I despise Lickilicky and I wish I could ban it from my goddamn memory for all eternity.

Rating: 0.5/5