#351: Castform

You know, Game Freak, even I could've come up with a better Pokémon focusing around the weather mechanics in the game than this pair of balls/boobs/buns (cross out wherever inapplicable).

The split personalities of Castform. Maybe it's better for it to go
see a psychiatrist. 

Based on the teru teru bōzu, a small Japanese charm doll made of white paper or cloth used to wish for good weather, Castform is an artificial Pokémon made by Hoenn's Weather Institute. Its body is made of cells exactly like those of water molecules, causing its structure to be altered by temperature and humidity in order to protect its tiny body. This gives it the power to change forms based on the weather on the battlefield: Sunny Forme in sunny weather, Rainy Forme in rainy weather and Snowy Forme when it's hailing (but hail is not snow, goddammit). Its former signature move Weather Ball is a 50-power normal-type move that doubles in power with a weather condition up, changes type depending on whether it's raining or hailing or whether the sun is shining, and provides STAB for whatever form Castform is in at the moment. This excludes a sandstorm, which does change Weather Ball's type into rock and doubles its power to 100, but doesn't cause a molecular change in Castform and therefore provides mere type coverage rather than STAB. Unfortunately, there is nothing Castform can do with this whole weather thing, as it has to set up a weather condition first, which its mediocre stats won't allow it to do. Base 70 stats across the board are nothing to write home about, as it can't take a hit very well and won't be able to hit very hard in return. A Pokémon based on the English saying "rain, hail, or shine" (whatever the weather; or, more figuratively, whatever the situation) is an interesting concept, but GameFreak could have made Castform a little bit better, at least; for example, increase the base stats of its weather forms to between 85 and 90 each, letting Castform end up with a base stat total of between 510 and 540 rather than 420. As the situation is right now, however, I can't even come up with a good competitive set for it. It's not even that good to use in-game, so...

Castform and its three weather forms lined up. 

For now, there are hardly any redeeming qualities to be found in Castform. I mean, I like how it looks like a giant H2O molecule in some way, and that its name is a play on 'forecast', but that's pretty much everything. I mean, its different forms didn't even get separate Pokédex entries until Pokémon Sun and Moon, and even then I didn't know why the hell they had to include Castform in the Alola Pokédex.

Sunny Forme
Pokédex entry Sun:
"This is the form Castform takes on the brightest of days. Its skin is unexpectedly hot to the touch, so approach with care."

Pokédex entry Moon:
"This is Castform’s form when basking in fair weather. Its body is warm and toasty."

Rainy Forme
Pokédex entry Sun:
"This is the form Castform takes when soaked with rain. When its body is compressed, water will seep out as if from a sponge."

Pokédex entry Moon:
"This is Castform's form during a downpour of rain. Its body retains moisture and gets slippery."

Snowy Forme
Pokédex entry Sun:
"This is the form Castform takes when covered in snow. Its body becomes an ice-like material, with a temperature near 23 degrees Fahrenheit."

Pokédex entry Moon:
"This is Castform’s form when caught in a hailstorm. Its cold skin is as smooth as ice."

Adding an additional form to Castform that is based on the sandstorm weather
condition may not be a bad idea. Then again, it would be yet another gimmicky
form of the same goddamn Pokémon with the same goddamn base stats. Also,
this fan-made 'Rocky Forme' looks a hell of a lot like Baltoy in a way. 

So, nothing special, right? For a Pokémon based on the sun, it's to be expected its skin feels so hot. For a Pokémon based on rain, it's not a surprise it's so moisty and spongy. For a Pokémon based on a snow cloud, it's logical its temperature is near 23 degrees. All three forms are outclassed by other Pokémon focusing around heat, moisture and cold, flavor-wise as well as stat-wise, and all look a little too obviously like weather references in the first place, making them look dumb. I also think they're mildly inappropriate - especially the regular form, which looks like a pair of testicles, breasts or buttocks with a giant head on top; in the latter case even a reversed head, mind you - but maybe that's just my perverse, adult mind.

Balls, why is Castform so bad?

Rating: 1.5/5

#206: Dunsparce

I don't really want to review this Pokémon. I thought I didn't mind Sunflora and Wobbuffet's existence, until I reviewed them and found out that they're actually quite bland. Dunsparce, on the other hand, I have never liked. Sorry for the people who hold this Pokémon dear, but I think you'd better brace yourselves, because I'm not going to be nice.

Dunsparce in the anime.

And before we get right down to business: no, I don't think Drampa will be Dunsparce's evolution.

So, what will I discuss first? Its dumb flavor or its competitive utility? Well, let's start with the worst; maybe I'll find some redeeming competitive qualities in the end, although I doubt that somehow. Anyway, Dunsparce is based on a mythical Japanese serpentine creature that is called a tsuchinoko in Western Japan and as bachi hebi in Northeastern Japan. There are a number of people in Japan who claimed to have seen such a creature, so it's very much like alleged sightings of the chupacabra in Latin America or better-known bipedal creatures like Bigfoot in North America or the Yeti in the Himalayas: mostly tall tales and zero evidence. The fact that Dunsparce has wings, might be a reference to the Feathered Serpent, a prominent supernatural entity or deity in many Mesoamerican regions (it was known as Quetzalcoatl among the Aztecs, as Kukulkan among the Yucatec Mayas and as Q'uq'umatz or Tohil among the K'iche' Mayas).

Some very realistic interpretation of Dunsparce. Although it's based on a supposedly
terrifying creature, the end result is pretty dumb.

It also shares some traits with bumblebees - bachi hebi is literally 'bee snake', so go figure - and its stripes, tiny wings and stinger-like tail sure point that way, as does the fact that, when detected, Dunsparce likes to burrow into the ground backwards in order to avoid capture. Go figure. It is even capable of floating a little using its tiny wings, yet Game Freak have failed to make it a ground/flying type. And even though two seperate Pokémon of that type combination in one generation would have been redundant (in fact, Gligar and Gliscor are next in line), it would have fit Dunsparce greatly: it learns a ton of ground-type moves that fit its flavor, including Earthquake, Drill Run, Dig and Bulldoze, and is the only non-flying type capable of learning Roost naturally. It is even classified as the 'Land Snake Pokémon' in the Pokédex. Admittedly, it doesn't learn any other flying-type moves, but Bounce is the only flying-type move Gyarados can learn and it doesn't even get it by level-up, so that says nothing.

Fans have anticipated a Dunsparce evolution for some time now,
and this is approximately what it should look like according to
them. What its typing is, you ask? Normal/dragon or dragon/flying.

No, Dunsparce will have to do with the mediocre normal type instead, and while there are some very good normal-type Pokémon out there, Dunsparce is not one of them. It possesses some considerable bulk; its HP is a very passable base 100, but its defenses leave a lot to be desired. It's perfectly capable of taking a few hits, but considering the tier it resides in (PU, which can be seen as an extension of the NU tier, only shittier - with the exception of Luxray, so I think I'm gonna sue Smogon) there are a few better options, even unevolved Pokémon that benefit from the Eviolite. Didn't I say I would try to find some redeemable qualities? Oh no, wait, I said I might find some redeemable qualities upon research. Well, I found some: Dunsparce's Serene Grace ability doubles the chance of additional effects occurring. That means Body Slam has a 60% chance of paralyzing the foe instead of a 30% chance. Glare is a support move that paralyzes the foe anyway, but there are other Pokémon that can pull it off much faster, including Arbok and Serperior. The perfect moveset would therefore be Stealth Rock for setting up an entry hazard, Body Slam for a 60% chance of paralysis, Magic Coat to bounce back support moves to the opponent (which prevents Dunsparce from becoming Taunt bait), and Roost for healing. Combine it with a Careful nature to maximize its special bulk and the held item Leftovers for a bit of recovery every turn, and Dunsparce might live long enough to pass it on.

Dunsparce is so dumb that I don't even want to like it. It's supposed to be based on an allegedly terrifying creature roaming around Japan, but instead it just looks stupid. The facts that 'stupid' is even in its name - 'dunce' is a synonym for 'fool' or 'idiot' - and its tail has the shape of a dunce cap really don't help, either. I won't equal Dunsparce to monstrosities like Lickilicky or Mr. Mime, but its rating is definitely going to be quite terrible.

Rating: 1.5/5

#132: Ditto

GIF of two Ditto (one of them is shiny) transforming into Dawn's
Piplup and Ash's Pikachu. 

And then we have this thing.

Ditto is the abomination of the first generation. It was designed for absolutely no purpose other than being a gimmicky Pokémon. Being able to rearrange its entire cellular structure, Ditto can transform into any Pokémon it sees. This gimmick is actually pretty pointless, because it envelops a tactic that doesn't really work at all. Ditto only knows the move Transorm and can't learn anything else, and until the fourth generation, transforming into the Pokémon of your liking took up an entire turn. But even with its hidden ability Imposter, Ditto is still not a good Pokémon to use. Here's my problem: if Ditto changes into the opponent's Pokémon, it gains the opponent's species, typing, moves (all have only 5 PP after using Transform), ability, stats (except for HP), EV investment, EV yield, catch rate, possible stat modifications and possible Mega evolution, right? But to counter Blastoise with Blastoise or Bisharp with Bisharp makes no sense, as water resists water and steel resists steel, while countering Mismagius with Mismagius or Salamence with Salamence isn't beneficial either, because both ghost and dragon are super effective against themselves. Even when you copy an attack that is super effective on the opponent, the opponent will have that same super-effective move on Ditto as well. And with such low base HP and basically no PP on its copied moves, Ditto is almost always the first to go down.

Ditto, the whore of the Pokémon world.

Thankfully, Ditto has actually been useful from Gen. II onward, because it is used for breeding. You see, Ditto is nothing more than a dirty ho, and it will fuck anything to produce offspring without having the goodwill to pay child support. It doesn't even have the decency to go to some sort of Red Light District; it just does it in a goddamn day care. That's utterly redonkulous! All jokes aside though, you can have almost any Pokémon breed with Ditto to produce eggs. Those eggs will always contain the species you let breed with Ditto, as it is impossible to obtain an egg that contains a Ditto. Most of the time, this is what Ditto is used for in the first place: many Trainers use it for breeding in order to obtain Pokémon of other species with perfect IVs and their preferred natures and abilities. Of course, this is only possible because of Ditto's ability to transform into anything it sees. Strangely, Transform is not its signature move, as there is one other Pokémon that can learn it naturally: Mew. Ditto doesn't only have that in common with Mew, either: they have the same coloration for their regular appearances, the same shiny coloration, the same weight (8.8 pounds), perfectly balanced base stats (Ditto's at 48, Mew's at 100) and no gender.

There is a popular fan theory roaming around on the Internet that says Ditto is a failed attempt at cloning Mew, as in Pokémon Yellow there are Ditto to be found in the Pokémon Mansion on Cinnabar Island and Cerulean Cave. That mansion is where several experiments with Mew and Mewtwo were carried out, and the cave is the place where Mewtwo can be found and caught. This theory is not confirmed, however, and these kinds of speculations don't have anything useful to add to Ditto's flavor.

Stills from "Ditto's Mysterious Mansion"; season 1, episode 37.
Duplica's Ditto doesn't seem to have perfected the art of
transforming, so it seems. Its attempts to properly transform into
Pikachu, Voltorb, Bulbasaur and Machoke, respectively, all
failed.

Speaking of which, Ditto is excruciatingly boring. Its design is nothing more than a pink blob and all of its Pokédex entries come down to the same damn thing: it can copy the foe's genetic code and reconstruct its own cellular structure to transform into any foe that stands in front it. There is one notable exception in Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald's entries, as they state that Ditto may get some details wrong when relying solely on its memory to transform into a Pokémon (or an inanimate object, for that matter). The anime demonstrated that some Ditto can't even properly transform into something that stands before it. In "Ditto's Mysterious Mansion", Ash and his friends come across a girl called Duplica (I'm not lying, that's the chick's actual name), who wants to be a Ditto master and a star in performing. Much to her dismay, though, her Ditto isn't capable of mirroring other Pokémon's faces correctly. But when Team Rocket abduct Ditto and threaten to hurt it if it doesn't do what they want, Ditto transforms into an exact replica of Meowth, which leaves Duplica thoroughly ecstatic after she and the rest come to Ditto's rescue.

I don't like Ditto. Except for the sole purpose of breeding, it is absolutely pointless: its design is very unimaginative, it's a terrible battler and it can't even be used as an HM slave. And if you want a Ditto with perfect IVs, you'd better go looking for hacked Powersaves Ditto, because obtaining a legit one is extremely hard. I don't hate Ditto, but I'd lie if I told you that I'm not at least a little bit bothered by its existence. It's by far not as terrible as Lickilicky and Mr. Mime, two horrendous Pokémon I already discussed before, but still...

Rating: 1.5/5

#50 - #51: Diglett & Dugtrio

"Diglett-dig, Diglett-dig!"

"Trio! Trio! Trio!"

Fan art of Diglett, in which the thing actually looks like a mole.

Yeah, that's right. You just read that in Diglett and Dugtrio's voices. Just admit it already.

Sorry, I just had to do that, ha ha ha.

Anyway.

If I had to mention the most unimaginative Pokémon to date, I would say that'd be Diglett and Dugtrio. I absolutely don't like these Pokémon. I've never liked them, in fact, and there is probably nothing that can change that, except for maybe a Mega evolution. And even then I doubt I'll like Dugtrio all that much. Yes, I know that there are other Pokémon out there that are composed of three or more specimens of their pre-evolutions, but I dare say that Dugtrio is by far the most unimaginative. It looks like three Diglett that have gathered together rather than an actual evolution. Meh. Well, it is actually a Diglett triplet that emerged from one body, so... no, still meh. Even their Pokédex entries aren't interesting. Add the fact that both Pokémon get Arena Trap, an ability that makes your Pokémon unable to run away from it or switch out, and you get an irritating Pokémon.

This is a plausible theory of how Diglett and Dugtrio's lower bodies,
which they hide underground, might look like.

However, there is one particular thing that really bothers me about Diglett and Dugtrio. You see, the Pokédex classifies them as 'Mole Pokémon', and I won't even contradict them in that, because everything points towards that direction: they're ground types, their heads are sticking out of the ground, and they learn moves that show that they clearly have claws, such as Scratch, Slash, Night Slash, Hone Claws, Shadow Claw, and even Sucker Punch. This is what bothers me: their claws and feet are never shown! In one of the Mystery Dungeon games (a side-series game), a Diglett mentions that it has feet, but the fact that there is nothing to see of them bothers me so fucking much! I know it's all part of how Game Freak want to characterize these Pokémon, and I also know they might be based on the moles used in those dumb Whac-A-Mole arcade games, but it's just stupid. I'm not against a little mystery, but of all Pokémon to add some mystery to, Diglett and Dugtrio are most probably the most insignificant. Also, the Internet has been bombarded with the dumbest theories as well: Diglett might be just a tiny part of an enormous nightmare monster, Diglett might be a person whose head is sticking out of the ground, or (and this one is the absolute best!) Diglett might actually even be the penis of some bigger creature hiding undergound. I can't even...

TCG art of Dugtrio.

Even worse: Dugtrio is not a good Pokémon at all. Its speed stat is great and its attack stat is decent, but its defenses are mediocre. It's not that its defenses save the day, though, because these are even made worse by its HP stat, which is absolutely GARBAGE. I guess Dugtrio wouldn't even be such a great Pokémon to use in-game, but there are always people who would like to make use of it, so let's see what this thing can actually do. It learns Earthquake, for starters, but that is a move that almost every ground-type Pokémon can learn, and even a lot of non-ground types for that matter. Rock Slide and either Shadow Claw (a ghost-type move) or Night Slash (a dark-type move), which both have the same type coverage, the same power and the chance to crit, are viable options, as well as Hone Claws. That move should definitely be in its moveset, because it raises Dugtrio's attack stat and accuracy (handy for Rock Slide) and because Aerial Ace is just too mediocre for it to use. Competitively, it is no good either, but an all-out offensive Dugtrio with the ability Arena Trap (which does exactly what the name suggests: it prevents the opponent from switching out), holding a Choice Band or Life Orb, will have to do, whereas a Focus Sash/Reversal combo might do the trick as well.

Dugtrio isn't one of my absolute least favorite Pokémon, but this thing comes damn near close. Luckily for Dugtrio, I don't obsessively hate it like a certain Gen. IV Pokémon (let's say I strongly dislike it), which saves it from getting the lowest rating possible.

Rating: 1.5/5