#336: Seviper

So, in a one-on-one battle, who would have the upper hand; Zangoose or Seviper?

Seviper is a savage.

I would want it to be Seviper, and the image on the right certainly gives the impression it does indeed have the upper hand against Zangoose. However, Seviper is frail and Zangoose is strong and relatively fast compared to its version counterpart, which means that Zangoose will most certainly knock Seviper out before the latter even has the chance to set its venomous fangs into its opponent. Real-life mongooses are skilled snake killers as well, so go figure. Provided Seviper can live a hit, though, it can hardly retaliate with a stronger move. The best STAB move it has is Poison Jab, although in this case I'm not even counting TMs and egg moves and the like. I'm overcome by sadness just by saying this, but even in the competitive metagame Seviper never amounts to anything. It has great offensive stats, but poor defensive stats and very lackluster speed, which makes it easy prey for faster and stronger Pokémon. It's a shame, because it has such a good and diverse offensive movepool on both sides of the spectrum to make use of: Poison Jab (I hope you didn't get me wrong; it is a good move), Night Slash, Crunch, Knock Off, Earthquake, Sludge Wave, Sludge Bomb, Flamethrower, Giga Drain, X-Scissor, Dark Pulse, Dragon Tail, Iron Tail and Aqua Tail. Wanna go special? Great, Seviper even has a recovery move in Giga Drain. Wanna go physical? Awesome, Seviper loves to go physical, as you can see in the image above. Wanna go mixed? It'll be little tricky nature-wise, but it's a possibility for sure.

TCG art of Seviper.

And should you decide to use Seviper on your team, you have two great abilities to choose from: Shed Skin has a 30% chance to cure Seviper of status conditions such as paralysis, burn and poison, which is handy when your opponent is constantly throwing moves like Thunder Wave, Will-O-Wisp and Toxic all in your face, but Infiltrator ignores the effects of moves like Reflect, Light Screen and Substitute. While both have their uses, Infiltrator is a little better and doesn't restrain Seviper from attacking at full power, especially if it's holding a Life Orb. My advice to you is to be cautious with that item, though, as it wears Seviper down faster than a Ninjask throwing its first attack at its opponent.

A more realistic approach on Seviper, which makes
it look more like one of those pitvipers called habu.

But the thing I really want to talk to you about is Seviper's design, of which I am a HUGE fan. Its sleek and slender body is usually depicted scrunched up like an accordion, and the moment a Seviper unfolds it body it becomes that more intimidating. Seviper is quite the colorful Pokémon, too, and I want to believe these bright colors - especially those of a shiny Seviper! - are a warning to others that this Pokémon is poisonous. I like how the purple doesn't dominate Seviper's design, by the way. Don't get me wrong: purple is my favorite color, but the subtlety of the scar-like marks - along with the red eyes, fangs, tongue and tail - somewhat gives its design a sense of urgency and makes Seviper much more aesthetically pleasing. The yellow hexagonal markings on its body look like they're coming from some ancient script and indicate that Seviper date way back, which becomes even more apparent when you realize that its feud with Zangoose has gone on for ages on end. Speaking of which, Seviper is based on a species of habu called the elegant pitviper. Habu is a Japanese name to refer to certain species of venomous snakes that were often pitted against mongooses in roadside shows, but this practice is now considered inhumane and is rarely seen today. They're all interesting things for a Pokémon to be based on, but it's a pity Seviper's Pokédex entries weren't developed as much as its design and origin. Of course, most of these entries only mention its ongoing rivalry with Zangoose, countering Zangoose's 'dazzling agility' with its sword-like tail, which Seviper constantly polishes to make it edgier and also oozes a horrible poison. Not that it works much, as Zangoose have become immune to Seviper's poison anyway.

Also, Seviper's FireRed and LeafGreen entries state that it likes to strike unwary prey with its venomous fangs, but the anime has also shown it viciously killing its prey by constriction and asphyxiation only to cut it into a thousand small pieces with its honed tail.

Okay, maybe not that, but it sure coils around its opponents to immobilize them during battles.

Seviper in the anime.

If you have been paying attention, you should probably know by now what Seviper's rating's going to be. I've absolutely come to adore this Pokémon since I used one in my only Alpha Sapphire playthrough, and that adoration has never faded. Its sleek design, the subtle purple, its menacing look, its origin... I love (almost) everything about Seviper. In my humble opinion, Game Freak even managed to make it look more intimidating than Arbok, and with that face pattern on its body Arbok is supposed to be quite the intimidating Pokémon.

P.S.: Which genius ever came up with that Pokémon Trainer's Choice in the anime episode "A Fan with a Plan", episode 37 of the seventh season? Seviper was incorrectly claimed to be an evolution of Arbok, which is... moronity to the nth degree.

Rating: 5/5

#335: Zangoose

The next Pokémon, Zangoose, is known for its ongoing feud against a Pokémon that follows directly after it in the Pokédex, a snake called Seviper. You'd think that, as their flavors are so intertwined together, I should rate them together rather than separately, but you'd be wrong. Despite their antagonistic relationship, Zangoose doesn't evolve from or into Seviper and so they each get separate entries.

Zangoose.

Zangoose is classified as the 'Cat Ferret Pokémon', and surely it has some feline traits in its design, but basically this Pokémon is just a mongoose, a carnivoral animal that is well-known for its ability to hunt and kill venomous snakes. Real-life mongooses also have receptors that are shaped so that it's impossible for snake neurotoxins and α-neurotoxins (apparently not other kinds of venoms such as hemotoxins and cardiotoxins, although this is still being researched) to attach to them, effectively making them one of four mammals to be immune to some kind of snake venom, the others being pigs, honey badgers and hedgehogs. This trait manifests itself in Zangoose's primary ability Immunity, which obviously gives it an immunity to the poison status condition. While its Pokédex entries state that Zangoose usually walks on all fours, it is most commonly depicted as being bipedal, which is due to its hostile relationship with Seviper. Its sharp claws are its biggest weapons and are best used when it's standing on its hind legs, although anger could lead Zangoose to start going bipedal and strike a battle pose, especially when it only even smells or catches sight of a nearby Seviper. Then again, the century-long feud between the two Pokémon has left it with the red scars found all over its body (zankon is Japanese for 'scar', although the first syllable of Zangoose's name could come from the Portuguese word for 'angry', zangado).

Seviper has been Zangoose's arch nemesis for centuries.
Even in Horde Battles Zangoose and Seviper attack each
other rather than the Pokémon you have out. 

While the Pokédex states that Zangoose is capable of dodging attacks with its incredible agility, its base stats tell a whole different story. Sure, Zangoose is relatively fast and its base 90 speed is workable to some extent, but it's by no means incredible. Zangoose can dish out a ton of damage with its base 115 attack stat, though, especially when you give it a Toxic Orb to hold. This item poisons Zangoose, which sounds pretty contradictory given the fact that I just mentioned its immunity to the poison status condition due to its ability Immunity, but its hidden ability Toxic Boost ups the power of its physical moves by 50% while it's poisoned. This does allow you to run a Jolly nature if you want some extra speed to work with, although Adamant wouldn't be bad, either. The Toxic Orb wears Zangoose down quickly, and its only decent speed stat makes it very easy to get revenge-killed by faster Pokémon, although access to Quick Attack somewhat alleviates that. This priority move is necessary for Zangoose to finish off weakened foes, although there are three more moveslots to fill with amazing moves like Facade (a 70-power normal-type move that does double the damage if the user has a status condition; works well with Toxic Orb/Toxic Boost and Zangoose gets STAB from it), Close Combat, Knock Off, X-Scissor, Return, Shadow Claw, Rock Slide, Poison Jab, Iron Tail, Night Slash and the elemental punches. You're spoiled for choice. The only downside to using Zangoose over other normal types is the lack of speed and bulk; Zangoose is relatively fast, but there are faster and more defensive normal-type options out there for you to make use of.

Zangoose in the anime.

The only thing about Zangoose that makes it stand out to other normal types is its feud against Seviper. The same thing could be said about Seviper as well, but at least I like its design a lot more than Zangoose's, which I will discuss when I get to Seviper's entry. It's undeniable that Zangoose is a good Pokémon and I'm honestly still torn between giving it either 4 or 4.5 stars. I'll give it a solid 4-star rating for now, but keep in mind this is still subject to change.

P.S.: Anyone noticed Zangoose's claws are purple in its Gen. III sprites?

Rating: 4/5

#333 - #334: Swablu & Altaria

Do you remember that in Flygon's entry I said I like the other not-so-dragon-like Pokémon in Hoenn better? Yeah? Well, this is what I was talking about.

It's an uncommon occurrence that the first image in a review is a
realistic take on a Pokémon, but I had to include this. It's just so
nicely drawn. 

Granted, Swablu is yet another bird with the generic normal/flying typing, but it certainly doesn't look the part. Incomparable with actual generic birds like Pidgey, Spearow, Starly, Farfetch'd, Pidove, Taillow and a whole bunch of other plain-looking birds I'm probably forgetting right now, Swablu seems to be based on a combination of real-life avian creatures. Its blue skin indicates it might be inspired from the bluebird or the blue jay, while its tendency to land on people's heads and pretend it's a hat might be a reference to the gray jay, as both wild Swablu and the gray jay get easily accustomed to humans. Swablu's wings look like clouds but are actually made of a cottony substance, which manifests itself in the fact that Swablu learns the grass-type move Cotton Guard, which increases its defense stat by a whopping three stages. Fun fact: I solemnly believed Cotton Guard was introduced in Gen. III and that it used to be Swablu and Altaria's signature move until it was given to other Pokémon in later generations. I was wrong, because it was introduced in Gen. V and given to quite a couple of Pokémon right away. The things you learn when doing research for review articles, goddamn... Cotton Guard or no, Swablu dislikes dirty surroundings, so it will wipe and polish something dirty with the cotton tufts it has for wings, which it then cleans in streams and freshwater. In that regard, Swablu's name is a nice reference to the cotton swabs used for sanitary purposes.

A heap of adorable little Swablu. Cuteness overload. 

Interestingly, Swablu's Japanese and French names of Tyltto (チルット) and Tylton, respectively, refer to entirely different things. For starters, Tyl is an alternative name given to Epsilon Draconis, a star in the constellation Draco, and is often used in the literature. Draco is Latin for 'dragon' and the fact that Swablu's Japanese and French names refer to this specific constellation may be a forshadowing of what typing it gets upon evolution, although I'll get to that later. Also, Tyltto and Tylton may be a reference to the play L'Oiseau Bleu ("The Blue Bird") by Belgian playwright Maurice Maeterlinck, a story about two siblings - Mytyl and Tyltyl - who are tasked with finding the 'blue bird of happiness'.

Also, Swablu's Mandarin Chinese name Qīngmiánniǎo (青綿鳥) literally means 'blue cotton-flossed bird'. I can't even...

A mother (or father?) Altaria with her adorable baby Swablu.

Swablu doesn't always stay an adorable little Swablu, however, and it evolves into Altaria at level 35. Altaria looks like it could have been yet another normal/flying type, if it weren't for the fact that Game Freak actually granted it the dragon type upon evolution. Pretty much like Flygon, it doesn't look like it's a dragon type, but its typing does come with a couple of benefits - and disadvantages, too, while we're at it. More on that later, though, as I want to start with Altaria's origin, which is a little bit more complex than Swablu's. First and foremost, its name is derived from alto or altus - the respective Italian and Latin words for 'high' - and aria, which is Italian for 'air'. The thing is that Altaria likes to use its buoyant wings to catch updrafts and soar across the sky, gracefully gliding through the clouds - its coloration provides it perfect camouflage, I'd dare say - and singing or humming tunes in a gorgeous soprano voice while doing so. In addition, its voice seems to have special properties that induce a dreamy state in listeners. Therefore, its name might be a reference to an aria, originally a term for any expressive musical melody but now a term used exclusively to describe a self-contained piece for one voice, usually in opera.

Altaria soaring through the skies, accompanied by a bunch of Swablu. There is even
a shiny Swablu thrown into the mix (bottom right). And let's be honest here: Swablu
and Altaria definitely have some of the prettiest shinies out there. 

But I'm not done yet. Altaria is clearly derived from Altair, the predominantly literary name for Alpha Aquilae, the brightest star in the constellation Aquila. This becomes apparent when you take a look at Altaria's Mandarin Chinese name Qīxìqīngniǎo (七夕青鳥), which is a reference to the before-mentioned stage play by that Belgian dramatist and the annually held Qixi - or Qiqiao - Festival. This festival originated from the tale of The Weaver Girl and the Cowherd, a love story featuring the two titular characters symbolizing the stars Altair and Vega - the latter being Alpha Lyrae, the brightest star in the constellation of Lyra.

Now, I need to stop with these stars and constellations before I start seeing stars myself.

Official Sugimori art of Mega Altaria.

Let's move this review forward by discussing Altaria's competitive utility. In itself, Altaria isn't very good. Its great base 90 defense and 105 special defense are backed up by an alright base 75 HP stat, which makes it a moderately bulky Pokémon, but its attacking stats are mediocre and its speed isn't very high, either. Smogon mentions several offensive sets, but I wouldn't use Altaria for that at all. You see, its bulk, Natural Cure ability and movepool allow it to be used as a very handy support Pokémon: Heal Bell cures all status conditions your team has caught, Tailwind doubles the speed of your entire team for four turns, Roost can be used to heal half of Altaria's HP, Haze resets all stat stages of both Pokémon on the battlefield to 0 again, Cotton Guard raises Altaria's already good defense stat to ridiculous levels (especially with a Bold or Impish nature), Substitute creates a substitute in exchange for 25% of its HP, and the Toxic/Protect combo is a classic stalling tactic. Altaria becomes a real star - excuse the pun - when it Mega-evolves, gaining yet another type combination: the unique dragon/fairy. This time, however, it has good offensive and defensive stats, meaning the damage output when you let Altaria Mega-evolve is significantly higher than when you're using a regular one. Its speed stat stays the same, which is kind of a shame, but you'll have Dragon Dance to take care of that, anyway. Moves that go with that are Earthquake, Return (the Pixilate ability of Mega Altaria turns every normal-type move into a fairy-type move) and either Outrage or Dragon Claw, and the preferred nature to back up this moveset is Jolly or Adamant. It has some steel-type coverage in Steel Wing and Iron Tail, and while I think the steel type is rad, these moves are barely worth it.

Also, considering a special moveset supported by Roost might not be a terrible idea, either. Altaria's special movepool is wider than its physical one, boasting moves like Dragon Pulse, Moonblast, Dazzling Gleam, Flamethrower, Fire Blast, Heat Wave, Hyper Voice, Ice Beam, Solar Beam and all types of Hidden Power, but such a moveset is inarguably less effective than a Dragon Dance set.

Altaria looking savage ain't bad, either...

That doesn't take away from Altaria's awesomeness, though, and it certainly doesn't hold me back from loving this thing to death. If I could, I would keep one as a pet. Because, y'know, who wouldn't want a friendly, fluffy and huggable dragon, right? It will envelop someone whom it has bonded with in its soft, cottony wings and then hum with a warm, soothing voice, and I would lie if I said I wouldn't want to experience that. The following rating of 5 whole stars shouldn't be a surprise to y'all, should it?

P.S.: For some reason I kept misspelling Swablu as 'Swablue' throughout the whole article, and I have no idea why. I've known its name since 2003, so it shouldn't have been a problem spelling its name.

P.P.S.: Bulbapedia states that Altaria is based on Peng birds, ginormous birds from Chinese mythology capable of flying 3000 li (Chinese miles) in one flap of their mighty, cloud-like wings. I don't think Altaria resembles those creatures at all, especially when you consider these Peng birds are usually portrayed having a fish's head and whiskers.

Rating: 5/5

#331 - #332: Cacnea & Cacturne

Bijschrift toevoegen

Shit, I don't know how to start this entry. Cacnea is such a forgettable Pokémon that I was almost surprised this Pokémon was next on my list. Obviously, Cacnea is based on a cactus - or, more specifically, the perfectly spherical barrel cactus - with some traits of a jack-o'-lantern, although it would be a whopping three generations later until we got actual jack-o'-lantern Pokémon called Pumpkaboo and Gourgeist. The problem is that Cacnea's flavor is a little bland, and I'm not referring to the fact that you can actually drink cactus juice to make yourself healthier. Or something. No, it's just that Cacnea can survive without any water for a period of 30 consecutive days, including in desert areas, which is... Why, I'm like, "WELL, DUH!!!" Most cacti live in arid areas anyway, and they never need much water in the first place. Moving on, Cacnea uses its thorny arms as hammers to attack its opponents. Great, so do other Pokémon; ask the ones who have access to Hammer Arm one way or another (fun fact: despite its habit of hammering opponents with its arms, Cacnea does not get Hammer Arm one way or another). The only somewhat interesting thing about its flavor is the yellow 'flower' on its head, which releases a strong aroma to attract prey; and the beauty and fragrance of this flower depend on the harshness of Cacnea's environment. It's not that interesting, though, and I think we'd better proceed with Cacnea's evolution Cacturne.

This is the Cacturne of a character named Harley. As you can
see, it is totally infatuated by... Team Rocket's Jessie! 

Cacturne trades Cacnea's yellow flower for a sun hat, its shape of a barrel cactus slash jack-o'-lantern for the shape of a seguaro slash scarecrow, and its pure grass typing for the grass/dark dual typing. There are actually a couple of explanations for the latter. The first one is that cacti are known as night plants because of this thing called crassulacean acid metabolism, or CAM photosynthesis for short, which is a carbon fixation pathway that evolved in some plants as an adaptation to arid conditions: the stomata (plant pores) remain closed during the day to prevent evapotranspiration and open at night to collect carbon dioxide. The second explanation is that Cacturne remains unmoving during the day - to prevent losing moisture to the harsh desert sun - and becomes active at night when the temperature drops, which may be a reference to the scarecrows in horror movies. It's a cliché, but all scary entities in horror movies come alive at night to take advantage of our limited visual perception when it's dark. It becomes even more unsettling when you realize Cacturne's Sapphire entry states that a ragtag group of this Pokémon will follow a traveler going through the desert in the thick of night and wait for the him (or her) to become exhausted and incapable of moving. Can we just acknowledge that Cacturne is a cold-blooded murderer? Yeah? Great, thanks. Kindly remind me that I won't be entering any desert for the entirety of my life.

Scary Cacturne.

But, ehm... such a malicious creature should be a beast in competitive play, right? Well, not precisely. Granted, Cacturne has base 115 attack and special attack, which is nothing to sneeze at, but its HP and defenses are terrible together and its speed isn't good enough for you to run a Choice Scarf set or something. Therefore, Cacturne is heavily reliant on a move Sucker Punch, which is a dark-type attack (STAB!) that moves first when the opposing Pokémon is using a damaging move. The problem is that Sucker Punch was nerfed in Sun and Moon and its base power is now 70 rather than 80. That is not terribly bad, but the nerf kind of... sucks, if you'll excuse the pun. Cacturne can be used as a wallbreaker or late-game sweeper, rocking Sucker Punch and several other attacking moves such as Dark Pulse, Energy Ball, Seed Bomb, Focus Blast, Brick Break, Poison Jab, Superpower, Fell Stinger, Drain Punch, Giga Drain and Thunder Punch. All of these moves are really good on Cacturne, to be honest, so you'd need a Rash, Mild, Lonely or Naughty nature to make it serve as a mixed attacker, although it could totally rock out with a physical Swords Dance set (with an Adamant nature) or a special Nasty Plot set (with a Modest nature). Depends on what you want or need. Just make sure to give it a Life Orb, which exchanges a little health for a bit more power each turn; it'll wear Cacturne down, but it won't be able to take many hits anyway. And if you think about teaching it moves like Synthesis or Destiny Bond: don't. Cacturne isn't fast enough to pull them off in the first place, and so you'd only waste your valuable turn. Make sure it has its hidden ability Water Absorb at all times, because Sand Veil only boosts its evasion in a sandstorm and isn't all that useful. Might as well give it an extra immunity to water on top of its psychic-type immunity and get some recovery off of incoming water-type moves.

Left: Cacturne waiting for heedless travelers going through the desert in the thick
of night. Right: a happy Cacturne mama with her baby Cacnea. 

It's a shame Cacturne seems to be one of those Pokémon in the 'forgettable' department. It's a scary and morbid Pokémon - which is why I'm surprised it wasn't featured in the Alola Pokédex, by the way - and it has a very pleasing design. Bogleech here opines that Cacturne is one of those Pokémon that is actually underdesigned for a change, and I am inclined to agree with him. A cactus is supposed to have 'seams' running its length, like Cacnea to some extent, and the spikes found all over its body don't look all that sharp - and trust me, I know from experience that a cactus stings when you touch it carelessly. Despite that, I actually really like Cacturne.

So... how about a rating of 4.5 stars? Yeah, that'll do. We don't want to make Cacturne all stingy, now do we?

Rating: 4.5/5

#328 - #330: Trapinch, Vibrava & Flygon

After the catastrophe that is called a Spinda, it is a relief to review a Pokémon I actually like to some extent. Flygon has been a fan favorite for a long time now, and everyone anticipated a glorious Mega to go with it in Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire. They were let down when it became clear upon release that there was no Mega Flygon to be found in the entire game because Ken Sugimori suffered from... artist's block. Yeah, Game Freak weren't able to come up with a decent design for Mega Flygon and so they had decided to let the idea go, even though they could've just taken a look at some fan-made art for inspiration.

Am I right or am I right?

Don't be deceived by Trapinch's adorable appearance: this thing
is a real predator.

Jests aside, Flygon has two pre-evolutions we need to look into. Trapinch is its basic stage and doesn't look like its evolutions Vibrava and Flygon at all, and that's because it's based on the larval stage of an antlion, winged insects whose larvae are known for their aggressive and fierce predatory habits. They create conical sandy pits to trap passing ants or other prey and are adorably called doodlebugs in North America sometimes, due to the strange marks they leave in the sand. The fact that the larvae are more aggressive than their winged adult forms may be the reason why Trapinch's attack is so high: it has base 100 physical attack - the highest of all Pokémon that can evolve twice - and absolutely terrible everything else. Vibrava even loses some base attack points before Flygon increases that amount to exactly 100 again. Trapinch's flavor is very much like the natural habits of an antlion larva, in that it builds its nest in a bowl-shaped pit dug in sand and waits there for its prey to stumble inside. Once inside, it is impossible for the trapped prey to escape the pit. Trapinch is a Pokémon that has shown a lot of strength and endurance, as it can go a whole week without having access to any water or food and its giant jaws are strong enough to crush even large boulders. The Japanese and the French even have funny names for this Pokémon to emphasize that characteristic: Nuckrar (ナックラー) is a contraction of 'nutcracker', while Kraknoix is from the French word thereof, craque-noix. Additionally, Nuckrar may also be a play on 'knucker', a type of folkloric dragon that lives in a hole; something that'll make sense once we take a look at Trapinch's evolutions.

Vibrava would have been perfect as Trapinch's final evolution,
so it's kind of a shame it evolves even further. 

Speaking of, Vibrava is probably the least interesting of this bunch flavor-wise, but it's my favorite design-wise. I don't know what it is that makes me like it so much, but I guess it's just a pleasant bug-like design for a Pokémon that isn't even a bug type. Trapinch and its evolutions are all primary ground types, but Vibrava and Flygon have the secondary dragon typing to boot. I wouldn't even have been surprised had they been bug/flying types, or even bug/dragon types, but even though there are four types that could easily be applied to this evolutionary line, a Pokémon can only have two types. So we're stuck with ground/dragon instead, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you consider dragonflies and antlions - the latter are often mistaken for the former - are actually just species of insect, but I'll let it slide (into the sand pit) for now; some species of dragonfly are actually called 'sand dragons' and this could account for Vibrava and Flygon's ground/dragon typing. Vibrava behaves much like a bug, at least, having underdeveloped wings with which it generates vibrations and ultrasonic waves that induce headaches in human beings. It makes its wings grow by dissolving large quantities of prey in its digestive juices and guzzle them down, which it does every day. If you think that is scary, you haven't seen Flygon's Pokédex entries: its wings make a 'singing' sound when they are flapped, earning Flygon the name of 'The Desert Spirit'. Any desert dwellers will think there are ghosts there, while it is actually a Flygon creating sandstorms with it wings in order to conceal itself. It fares well in sandstorms, actually, as the red, insectoid, goggle-like covers over its eyes prevent sand from getting into them.

Flygon in TCG art. 

While I don't think Flygon is as aesthetically pleasing as Vibrava (it has two weirdly drawn antenna-like appendages protruding from its head, as well as two ridiculously small claws and awkward feet), it is definitely better in the competitive scene. Earlier in this review I said that Vibrava loses some base attack points upon evolving from Trapinch and that Flyon gains these back. Well, Flygon is a physical attacker, although its base 80 special attack is good enough to be used for an occasional special move here and there. Because of its ground typing and Levitate ability, entry hazards won't hurt or disadvantage it (Spikes, Toxic Spikes, Sticky Web) or will do only negligible damage (Stealth Rock), whereas its stats allow it to take a couple of hits, although not too many. It's fast and strong, which enables it to run Choice sets, rocking a Choice Band or Choice Scarf in combination with moves like Earthquake, Outrage, Dragon Claw, U-Turn, Rock Slide, Stone Edge, Crunch, Superpower, Thunderpunch, Fire Punch and Iron Tail (and its movepool is evidence it should have been a bug type: it has access to Struggle Bug, Signal Beam, U-Turn, Bug Bite, Bug Buzz and Fury Cutter, whether or not through breeding or its pre-evolution Vibrava). Both kinds of sets allow you to run either an Adamant or a Jolly nature; an Adamant-natured Flygon works well with a Choice Band, although it is significantly slower than a Jolly-natured one with a Choice Scarf. You'll have to see what kind of EV distribution works best for you.

And, if you're really experienced in competitive battling, you might want to consider using Flygon as a support Pokémon: its entry hazard resilience makes it a perfect choice for a moveset that removes said entry hazards. Defog and Roost are must-haves, while it still needs something to attack with, preferably Earthquake and U-Turn - the latter to gain momentum if it needs to. Roost already heals half of its HP, but the Leftovers are used for a little recovery ever turn; it's not that much, but Flygon can last a couple of turns longer with this held item.

One of the better fan-made concepts for Mega Flygon, made by CoolShallow.

I don't think I like Flygon as much as should, it being a fan favorite and all, but I'm just not all that impressed by this Pokémon. I like Vibrava a little better, but not significantly enough to give it a separate rating. Therefore, the entire line will have to do with a 3.5-star rating, but a solid one at that: there is little chance this rating will be lowered or increased.

I like the other not-so-dragon-like Pokémon in Hoenn better than this one.

Rating: 3.5/5

#327: Spinda

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk.

Ugh, this misfit.

Not only is Spinda a downright hideous Pokémon, design-wise as well as stat-wise, it is also one of the most random ones. It doesn't seem to be serving any purpose in the games at all, aside from polluting the regional Pokédex from time to time (it was recently included in the Sun and Moon Dex; like, why?). Of course I am fully aware of the fact that not a single Spinda is the same; all have four spots located on their face and ears, but an algorithm in the game mechanics makes itso that not one pattern is the same. However, let's be honest here: is that really such an important feature? Nobody in their right mind would start collecting all the Spinda with different spot patterns, as a Spinda's spots are based on its personality value - a 32-bit number that can't be influenced by outside factors in any way - and a simplistic model would put the odds of finding two exact same Spinda at 1 in 4,294,967,295. That's a whole lot of Spinda with different spot patterns you'd have to collect, then. Searching for 20 different wing patterns (Vivillon) or 26 letters and 2 punctuation marks (Unown) is somewhat tedious already, even though it's manageable.

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk. 

In short, Spinda is nothing more than a useless, gimmicky Pokémon that should better be left alone by everyone. Having base 60 stats all across the board, it's just a terrible Pokémon to use in battles, even for playthrough purposes. It does have access to the hidden ability Contrary, which inverts any changes to its stat stages, meaning that a stat will be decreased if it is normally increased and vice versa. But, ehm... guess what? IT'S FUCKING USELESS ON THIS THING! In Pokémon Black and White, Game Freak were so kind to include a feature called the Dream World, in which you could find Pokémon with their hidden abilities and certain moves they could otherwise not learn. A Dream World Spinda had the move Superpower, a 120-power fighting-type move that lowers the user's attack and defense stats by one stage afterwards, but with Contrary these stats will be increased rather than decreased. The problem is that any one of Spinda's stats is abysmal, which means that it can't take hits, move first or hit hard, not even after one or two boosts from Superpower. Moreover, Spinda is a normal-type Pokémon, so Superpower isn't even a STAB move on it, which makes it kinda tricky to use at all. Should you be so brave to use a Contrary Spinda in the first place, you'd have to complete a moveset for it, which is surprisingly not very hard: it can learn Double-Edge, Trash, Brick Br... oh pardon me, it's Thrash, not Trash. Well, Spinda is trash, but I'm hardly saying anything that hasn't been said about this thing, am I right? Anyway, where was I again? Oh yeah, it has access to Brick Break, Rock Slide, Wild Charge, Psycho Cut, Drain Punch, Fire Punch, Ice Punch, Thunder Punch and Zen Headbutt.

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk.

That's a whole lot of type coverage for a Pokémon that doesn't deserve it, to be honest with you. I would recommend teaching it Double-Edge and Wild Charge, which both deal recoil damage. Rest assured it will wear Spinda down faster than a Gale Wings Talonflame can perform its first Brave Bird. To top it all off, a Life Orb exchanges 10% of its health every turn for a bit more power (for what it's worth), which certainly causes Spinda to go down even faster than your Mom can find lost objects. That way, you can switch into a Pokémon that can actually put in some work. Even better would be to not use this thing at all, but if you feel confident enough... why, by all means, go for it.

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk.

As for Spinda's origin, it is ostensibly based on a red panda. These animals also have their own unique facial markings, like Spinda does, although they're a heck of a lot cuter than Spinda is. Also, this Pokémon has the appearance of constantly being drunk, which looks stupid but apparently serves a purpose: the dizzying and confusing dance-like movements it makes are used to confuse its opponents and make it difficult for them to aim at it. Fortunately for you, the game mechanics allow you to body Spinda real quick-like with a super-effective Brick Break, unless one of those things has the Tangled Feet ability and is confused. And that hardly ever happens, thank God. Spinda is such a dumb and terrible Pokémon in every aspect, and I actually carry quite the aversion to it, especially because it appears to be in a continuous state of drunkenness. Such a message you're sending out there, Game Freak.

Go home, Spinda, you're drunk.

P.S.: Definitely check out this X & Y moveset recommendation for Spinda on Smogon. I laughed my fucking ass off at least a hundred times when I read it.

Rating: 1/5

#325 - #326: Spoink & Grumpig

TCG art of Spoink. 

The next Pokémon has such a miserable and pitiful vital function that we might as well put it out of its misery as quickly as possible. Spoink is a pig-like psychic-type Pokémon with no hind legs at all; instead, it is constantly bouncing on its coily tail to keep its heart pumping. Its Pokédex entries mention that it dies the moment it stops bouncing, although it has often been seen keeping still in the anime series. Even the lore about Spoink's pearl carries a little bit of inconsistency with it. It's not about the fact that the pearl on its head - which is produced by Clamperl, by the way - is used to magnify Spoink's psychokinetic powers or that it is always on a constant search for a bigger pearl, often easily mistaking other round objects for its precious pearl. It's not even about the fact that Clamperl's face is found on the pink, pearl-like object situated in the middle of its shell; its Pokédex entries explicitly state that one Clamperl produces only a single pearl during its lifetime, and that is when its body becomes too large to fit in its rock-hard shell and the Pokémon is on the verge of evolving. No, it's a tiny detail that is found in Spoink and Clamperl's shinies: shiny Spoink's pearl is gray, whereas shiny Clamperl's pearl-like body is a vague gold color. It's a detail of little importance, really, and I'm a bit annoyed by the fact that I'm annoyed by such trivialities, but I couldn't help but notice it when I looked at the shinies of both these Pokémon.

TCG art of Grumpig. Because there honestly isn't all that much
interesting fan art of this Pokémon to be found on Google Images.

Aside from the fact that I'm not a pig fan of onomatopoeia in Pokémon names (man, is that pun bad or what?), I like Spoink a little less now that I know that the inspiration for this Pokémon is most likely based on a biblical phrase. I am an atheist and I don't know shit about biblical stuff, nor am I even remotely interested in that kind of bullcrap; so correct me if I'm wrong, but the phrase "...neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." is part of a verse from the seventh chapter of the Book of Matthew and more or less means that you shouldn't waste something precious on people that can't or won't appreciate it. I bet the few religious people I've met felt the same way about me when I gave them the cold shoulder after they tried to shove their religion in my face - and trust me, that has happened to me at least twice. But however much a swine I may be, this little piggy called Spoink (one of the ugliest Pokémon names in existence, i.m.o.) absolutely adores its pearl and even gets weaker when it's not holding on to it. That one big pearl splits into three small black ones upon evolving into Grumpig, though, maybe to emphasize that the manner in which they enhance its psychic powers is much more sinister now: Grumpig can control and manipulate Pokémon and people at will, and when it does so, it performs an odd dance that became hugely popular overseas - and with that Game Freak mean outside of Hoenn, I assume.

This is some pretty awesome fan art of Grumpig. 

Surprisingly, Grumpig doesn't quite make an impact in the competitive metagame. There are a couple of sets that are highly effective on this Pokémon, but its usage is pretty straightforward: it is usually put on a team as a specially bulky special attacker. It's got an amazing base special defense stat of 110 and some beefy HP to back it up, but its defense ain't worth shit, which leaves it vulnerable to physical attacks. If supported by a Calm nature and the Thick Fat ability, which gives Grumpig resistances to fire- and ice-type moves, this Pokémon should be able to tank a couple of special hits that come its way, though. A Timid or Modest nature for more speed or power, respectively, should do the trick as well, but don't even consider breeding Own Tempo or Gluttony onto this thing, because an immunity to being confused or the early use of a berry are side effects that aren't all that useful in Grumpig's case. For instance, Grumpig won't be holding a berry; instead, you should make it hold the Leftovers to gain a little bit of health back every turn, as it lacks any reliable recovery moves. And if you're really scared of your Grumpiggy getting hit by a dark-type move, you can give it a Colbur Berry, which halves the power of an incoming super-effective dark-type move. But Grumpig can't do anything in return without rocking a good moveset itself. One tactic is to let it set up a Substitute and use Calm Mind from there on, building up some strength and bulk before it can attack with moves like Psychic, Psyshock, Focus Blast, Power Gem, Energy Ball, Shadow Ball and Signal Beam, while it can also paralyze foes with Thunder Wave and stall an opposing Pokémon with a Toxic/Protect combo. And as Grumpig can take a special hit in the first place, you might want to consider breeding Mirror Coat onto it, which has negative priority but does double the damage if Grumpig is hit by a special move.

I never realized that Grumpig could be so malicious. Look at this GIF and tell me
that this motherfucker does not look evil. 

I actually really like Grumpig. I used one in an Omega Ruby playthrough and I have to say it was one of the best members of my team, especially considering the fact that it has such good type coverage. At base 80 it isn't exactly slow, either, so most of the time it went first and dished out a lot of damage due to its Mild nature. It's too bad this whole pearl thing just had to be a reference to the goddamn Bible and that its flavor is a little bland compared to Spoink's, but I like the dark turn Game Freak have taken with it. It's still a more interesting and pleasing Pokémon than Spoink design-wise and I have to say I've grown attached to it quite a bit.

Also, it's purple.

Rating: 4.5/5